The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Love to you Joan and best wishes with the doc appointment. Drive very careful coming home. Hugs, Cattails

Joan~so happy the situation is not as serious as first thought. My thoughts will continue to be with you!

Thanks all - made it here safely - diner coffee helped. Mother is starting to feel better as she has stopped one of the laxatives, so our first trip tomorrow will be to her doctors clininc. Today the receptionist told me mother's doc was not feeling well and may not be in tomorrow, but another doc would see us, and can go through test results with me, and answer questions I have about the use of laxatives, so I find out what is going on.That might be my second opinion right there. I won't tell mother that her doc may not be there - as she may not want to go. I emailed the lawyer and I can act as mother's agent in financial, personal and medical matters, if she cannot do it herself, so I am on safe ground there, particularly since she wants my help now - otherwise it would be a battle, which i don't want, I could feel your prayers and wishes with me all the way down - very special - and thank you from the bottom of my heart ♥

Joan~my thoughts are with you and your mother. I hope you can change her doctor and her current one should not be practicing anymore. Be safe and update us when you can, Hugs!!

Joan, be careful, take breaks, and let us know how things are going. Glad you feel up to the trip, brave friend. Hugs and prayers from NC.

Joan have a safe trip -gets her bloodwork done is very important-when that is done you will have a better idea of what is going on-the med. group I belong to makes docs retire at 65-that way they get new blood in all the time-my fantastic surgeon lived to be well into his 80's and I am sure he contribuated greatly after retiring-I would hope you could get her to get another doc-I did laast year when my primary stopped listening to me and am glad I did. Keep us updated and know we will be with you in our thoughts.

Joan, thinking of you and prayers coming your way. We all will be waiting to hear. Make sure you stop plenty and stretch your legs. That is very important.

Keeping you in my prayers, Emjo. Love, Cat

a quick one here. I am heading off to Edmonton to see how mother is. She says she is weak and only wants to lie on the sofa. This is not like her at all, Her doctor, who discussed physician-assisted suicide (illegal here)with her after her 100th birthday, is continuing to prescribe senna -a laxative that can cause diarrhea (which she has) and can deplete potassium, which can be very serious. It makes no sense to me for him to be giving her a laxative when she has diarrhea. She trusts him totally, but I don't. In my view, he has no business bringing up physician-assisted suicide, either. I discussed it with my local pharmacist last night who recommends I go there ASAP and find out what is going on, and get a second opinion. Maybe there is an explanation, mother has made a mistake about the drug she is taking etc. her doc who is 80, is incompetent, etc. However, she sounds like the stuffng has been knocked out of her. I plan on taking her to the hospital to get her electrolytes checked, and we will go from there. She wants me to go to her doctor with her, which is a change, as before she would have resisted this, and been suspicious of me. You guys and gals understand.I always have to filter her information, and take her narcissism into account, so it is difficult sometimes to know how she really is, but this time she sounds different. She is not being a drama queen. I don't know what kind of authority I have here, so have emailed her lawyer. As far as I know the POA is financial. Wish me luck and if you pray, I could use prayers. I am coming up 75, it is a long drive (5 hrs) which I haven't done for a couple of years, and I am only tackling it as I do feel better. Having a car there would make life easier. My laptop comes with me so I will be in touch. Thanks in advance, I hope I am wrong. If it is her time - naturally - so be it, but otherwise i want her looked after properly.

Sharyn, thanks for including the codependency on this thread. One applies to me and I can see another applies to my younger sister. Sis likes to re-arrange every room of her house...drives me crazy because she jumps up and then tells everyone, "I can't stand the way the house is. Let's re-arrange." Everyone groans. I back off and just watch. When she's done, she looks at me and says, "Isn't this better?" In my head, I'm thinking "No Way! I like the other one better." I always respond neutrally, "Doesn't matter to me. But didn't you just do this set-up a few weeks ago?" And her kids groan. I just assumed sis had OCD (??)

Oh, thanks for the book recommendation. Someone on this site also recommended Vincent Peale on Treasury of Courage and Confidence. I've been meaning to order it. I've already order Nancy Lace's "The Thirty-Six Hour Day." Still waiting for that book to come in. (Going on 3 weeks now.)

Burned, I don't respond to your comments because I have absolutely no experience with all of your problems! I always thought where I lived was "the back woods." I guess it's not as bad as living in a small town. I'm sorry that you're struggling on all fronts. Hang in there! and Take care!

I don't generally support books written by celebrities, etc., however, I am currently reading a book about childhood abuse by Ashley Judd. "All That Is Bitter & Sweet" chronicles her childhood abuse, going into recovery, and her outreach work in third world countries promoting HIV/AIDS education to prostitutes and abused women in their countries. Ashley is quite open about her childhood abandonment, sexual abuse, emotional and verbal abuse. The book is written in such a way that it is not about exposing her famous mother for being abusive but about Ashley's experiences as the "The Lost Child", and her journey to reclaiming herself. She writes about how her experiences in Thailand, India, Africa, and South America helped her recovery and her continuing mission in these countries allows her to grow in Christ. Take some time out this summer and read this book.

When I was living with my sister and taking care of hubby..I had double whammy guilt trips from her and him. I also told my sister had enough of her know it all attitude that I wasn't going to take her crap anymore just cuz her life isnt satisfying...ooh btw she is pregnant with her 5th child and I still say she needs therapy. David, sees the cardiologist this thursday at 11.15 pm in the afternoon check his heart but i am really frustrated with this heart doc he doesn't give me time to answer questions etc so pain in the ass. Hubby still not able to hold food down too well. I am praying soon my friends will be settled into their new place soon. Ok this may sound retarded but i live in a small town right ...well i go get groceries and they didnt like how much i brought on the bus and my best friend brought his own groceries so they combined both of ours has being over the weight limit and they are talking about fucking banning me from pick up from the one grocery store in town because i do all the shopping. I do not have a damn car and i hardly know anyone who wants to take me to store and pick me up when I am done. I find it discriminatory and prejudice. Its yes parts of the big city transit system but serves this town and out of town. Any ideas besides setting up a petition or banning myself from the bus system when i go to the store. its the small town mindset that gets me cuz i never had this problem on when I lived in indianapolis. Then I got to find another set of sheets to mail to the agency that i forgot to send. anyways...dosage increase is helping for longterm anxiety but i need something to combat the short term attacks i get. sorry i havent posted for a good while been busy and still waiting to hear from the school;

Good Morning Everyone!!
I meant to post this article here also but I have been working everyday since last Wednesday and I don't get a day off till this Thursday. Here it is:
Codependency describes behaviors, thoughts and feelings that go beyond normal kinds of self-sacrifice or caretaking. For example parenting is a role that requires a certain amount of self-sacrifice and giving a child's needs a high priority, although a parent could nevertheless still be codependent towards their own children if the caretaking or parental sacrifice reached unhealthy or destructive levels.[2] Generally a parent who takes care of their own needs (emotional and physical) in a healthy way will be a better caretaker, whereas a codependent parent may be less effective, or may even do harm to a child.[2] Another way to look at it is that the needs of an infant are necessary but temporary whereas the needs of the codependent are constant.
People who are codependent often take on the role as a martyr; they constantly put others' needs before their own and in doing so forget to take care of themselves. This creates a sense that they are "needed"; they cannot stand the thought of being alone and no one needing them. Codependent people are constantly in search of acceptance. When it comes to arguments, codependent people also tend to set themselves up as the "victim". When they do stand up for themselves, they feel guilty.
Codependency does not refer to all caring behavior or feelings, but only those that are excessive to an unhealthy degree.[6] Indeed, from the standpoint of Attachment theory or Object relations theory, "to risk becoming dependent"[7] may be for the compulsively self-reliant a psychological advance, and "depending on a source outside oneself ... successful, or tolerable, dependence" [8] may be valorized accordingly.
Co-Dependents Anonymous offers these patterns and characteristics as a tool to aid in self-evaluation.[2]
Margeaux~ I understand your frustration with your sister. That need control everything, thinking only they can do everything right. Yes she will wear herself out both physically and emotionally. I am glad you see what she is doing and are not getting caught up in her busyness. My mother was very much like that. She has calmed down on her busyness since the Alzheimer's but I do remember her always tearing the house apart and redoing something. She even had the interior painted when my dad was still at home. He had Alzheimer's too and the disruption of their daily life with the painter there had my poor dad so upset and confused. Of course my mother became angry with dad for not cooperating with her but she never put 2+2 together to figure out why he was behaving badly. It is a stress factor when a controlling person is involved. They seem to want everything yesterday and complain when people don't jump through hoops for them.
Joan~I am happy you are feeling better. You sound better and happier. Enjoy the girly time with your daughter and granddaughter. I don't have grandchildren yet, but I can't wait until I do. My husband and I are planning to drive to Idaho the first week in October to visit our daughter. I enjoy doing the girly things with her such as shopping and being together. Last year when we visited I bought a couple of things for my office/art room that I could have bought here but it was so much for fun with my daughter. I only work in my office/ art room when I have consecutive days off which I haven't had in a while. I do have Thursday/Friday off this week so I will spend some time working in there again.
Two weeks ago I spent 2 hours on the phone calming my mother down as she was really giving my sister a bad time with accusations again. My sis is not feeling well these days. She did find out she has pneumonia in the left lung. She has some other issues and will have a colonoscopy on Aug. 3rd. For the time being mother has calmed down and is leaving sis alone.
My sis informed me the other day that as time goes by, I will have to be her caregiver. This has been weighing on my mind since she said it because I would really like to move to Idaho when my husband retires. Sis's daughter's live in Kentucky. I know I will not like having to drive the 45 minutes several times a week to check on her (I'm being selfish, I know). I tried to get her to sell her house about 10 years ago and move back to our hometown where I live but she refused and now the economy and housing market is so bad she can't afford to do it. My sis's oldest daughter is also very controlling and she may give me grief if I am taking care of her mother. Just some rambling thoughts going through my mind right now. I think sis will need to talk with her daughter's about this subject.
Relax Margeaux and Joan enjoy your time with your grandchildren!! Hugs♥

When you Mom left the hospital they should have given her a written list of instructions which she probably had to sign listing meds and any other details inc which meds she had that day-you might want to tell the doc or better yet the nurses that her mental condition may not be as good as she seems to be-my mom can fake it so she seems to understand but does not and of course she only tells part of the story like my side door does not open-of course it dosn't-she had an accident-only a small bump and paint from the other car was on her car-the hospital would have a copy of the insructions-this may help next time she is admitted.

emjo, no the med change is not helping. It's two more weeks to work or my psychiatrist will make some other change when we meet on July 30th. How frustrating!

((((((((((((margeaux)))))))))) I hear your frustration over your sis's compulsion to control, and do everything. People who criticise others are usually critical of themselves, and not happy people. i wonder if your sis has a form of what your aunt had. i do believe that there is an aspect of genetics in some cases of personality disorder. I am not surprised that you found the whole situation very tiring. I am also be concerned that your sis will end up hurting her own health. However, there is nothing you or anyone can do about it, except make better choices yourself. I liked your comment in a previous post about looking out the window at the trees. I do that daily, as my bay window looks out on the green belt across the street. Love drinking my coffee in the morning, and looking out at the trees. I need to be able to see trees from some of my windows.
burned - so glad that things are improving and that you are having good times with your friend. As I remember she has a health issue. How is she doing? I have had to let go of my sister, and reduce contact to very minimal, as the nasty words and the games inevitably come out, and I don't need that.
sharyn - i really liked the info about codependency you posted on another thread. In my view, it was very valuable and I hope some benefitted by it. How are you doing?
cmag - is the med adjustment helping?
teacher - are you still managing to maintain your emotional distance?
thinking of all who have posted here, and wondering how you are doing
I continue to improve on the new meds, though I have had to decrease the dose a little (as the dr suggested I could). It is wonderful to get up in the morning, and want to plunge into the days activities, and also to see problems as just that, which can be worked on and not insurmountable obstacles. I did not realise how much my health issues were affecting my mood. I have a long list of things to be done, which I should have done in the past few years, but did not have the energy. I feel I can tackle them now. Woo Hoo!!! I passed my drivers medical though my right eye is not good. The eye dr said I will need cataract surgery - probably next year. Meanwhile my left eye is good, but a cataract is starting there. Hopefully it will stay good until I get my right one fixed. Other than that my eyes are healthy, which is great.
On another note, my mother has been taking laxatives, including senna, for a month now. she says, prescibed by the hospital, and then complains about some watery diarrhea, and a sore behind. I really wonder if she heard them right. Has anyone heard of prescribing a strong laxative for that long? She does tend to give "out of context", or very selective information, not just to me, but also, I think, to the hospital, and her doctor, and as well. It is part of the borderline personality disorder. And she is very selective as to what she retains from what people say. Her hearing loss, even with a hearing aid, may mean she does not pick up it all anyway. Also I see that she does not comprehend things as well as she did. She is very verbal and still very bright, so the hospital and her doctor may not pick up on that. Her doctor is, himself, 80 years old!

In future when she goes into hospital, which is usually for a gut-related issue, I will ask them to call me, and give me the info about any meds that are prescribed. The time may have come when she should have the nurse aides dole out her meds, but I doubt she will allow that. She has done a very good job taking her regular meds - thyroid, blood pressure, and gastric reflux, as well as some supplements, and is fiercely independent. She has asked me to go to a doctor's appointment with her this summer to be sure she understands her condition - especially her digestive problems. My daughter had her gall blader out, and had stomach problems after due to bile reflux. I wonder if mother has the same. her stomach gets inflamed easily. There are meds to deal with that. So I will plan a trip down, and go with mother to her doctor. In the past she would have resisted this, so I think she is seeing that she needs more help. She had totally misunderstood about the state of -physician-assisted suicide, and I did explain that to her. I see a very slow decline - not nice for her. I remember when my father was declining (vascular dementia) and he was aware that he was. It was sad. It was easier for him once he did not realise what was happening to him any more.

Have a great day everyone. I am off to babysit my grandchildren while my daughter goes for an appointment. So good to feel well enough to do this! I am buying earrings from ebay for my daughter and granddaughter. Love doing "girly" things with them.
Love and hugs ♥
joan

Good Morning Everyone,

Hope all of you had a good weekend.
Well, I went Sunday night to spend the night over at mom's house, as my sister & me took her to an appointment on Monday. My sister so burns the candles more than at both ends. I'll refresh people's memories. She lives w/mom, and until recently w/our narcissistic aunt who passed in Jan. She manages everything over there at mother's, with the caregivers, etc. She has a full time job.

Well, mother's home is in need of some repairs. My sister had told me she was going to put a new carpet in this weekend, but it got set back a weekend, since they had to take care of a beetle problem, by spraying the bathroom, and under kitchen sink.

When I arrived over there Sun., night, my sister looked like a crazy woman. She's currently packing everything up, so that the carpet layers can have the area fee, when they come to do that job. This is a 4 bedroom home, two-story.
It was absolutely unbelievable, and quite overwhelming for me just to see my sister, on Sun. evening looking so exhausted, huffing and puffing as she was trying to pack things away.

This of course she does, w/little to no help from a 22 yr. old daughter who still lives there with her. I've posted about her in the past. She's so spoiled, it's not even funny! She doesn't work, is still playing the student game. I'm all for parents being supportive of their children, if they want to pursue an education. But I don't get the impression w/my niece that she is really that serious about her education.
My sister never has put any pressure on her to go and get a job, so that she could really start learning to become more responsible and independent. But I realize that this is my sister's doing, also.

I know that just being around that energy was tough for me, because again I see how controlling my sister is. One cannot tell her either to slow down. Also, while I was there my sister and me were talking. She has a boyfriend, who is a plumber.
As I recall when they first met about 9 yrs., ago, he was invited to a Thanksgiving at mom's house. That day mom had plumbing problems, and he jumped right to it, and fixed it. My sister is in charge of some rental properties of mother's, and again her boyfriend has done quite a bit of repairs there w/my our more capable brother. But on the weekend, my sister was complaining to me about the fact that she thought her boyfriend should fix a broken toilet seat in mom's upstairs bathroom. This is how she said it, "You'd think he being a plumber, that he would fix this seat, after all, it just needs the screw tightened up." Now I thought, WOW,
I recall the work he's done before at her request, he doesn't live there, visits.
Why in China, is she being critical of him, almost as if she were married to him?

Anyway, there's a part of me that sometimes feels for my sister, and it's really because I do get concerned that she is really overdoing things. Like even on 4th of July, she was at my brother's w/mom & boyfriend. We'd been there for a bbq.
This brother lives at least 45 miles from mom's. So after her boyfriend dropped her and mom off at mom's house, my sister jumped in the car w/mom and they went to her daughter's house. My sister said she wanted to spend her grandson's first 4th of July w/him. He's only 8 mos. old. Anyway, this woman just can't stay put, and I do get concerned about our 92 yr. old mother, w/my sister's constant need to be moving around like a crazy lady! Ay, yay, yay! There's more, but for now I have to gather my thoughts! What I'm writing about here are also some of the reasons many times, I just get discouraged from being more involved there with mom, also. I feel like my sister just wants to run the show her way.
We are so different, but her need to control everything, and be very critical of people who actually help out, I don't know! Somewhat frustrated! Margeaux

Fireworks were awesome in Ajo, Az ...after all were barely a dent on the map of arizona here. I had blessed time with my friend and things are improving. I let go of ppl that tend to lie and make assumptions of my life. My mom said my sister and I never gotten along. I would of gotten along if i wasn't busy protecting her from bullies and yes i have to admit i did some but she loves to take things out of context so forth so now I let remain a broken bridge that will never be fixed.

Hi Everybody,

Did we have enough firecrackers? I went to a bbq about an hour away at my brother's house. It was nice, since it was only we adults w/our mom. She is real cute these days. For some new people here that don't know about my mom, she's 92, w/ALZ. Well, even though it was a rather long drive for my husband and me, it was good to spend some time w/my mom, my brother ( the nice one), my sister and their partners. Even though mom has the ALZ, she can still come up w/one liners that are quite funny. It's interesting that even w/ALZ, this part of her personality still surfaces. What a difference, also, now that her sister is out of the picture, we can finally enjoy my mom, w/o the negative interference her narcissistic sister always brought w/her. May she rest in peace!!
That story was some of the dysfunction that brought me to this thread.
Have a nature filled weekend, even if it's just looking outside your window and looking at some trees! Love & Love, Margeaux

We do learn from and support one another. Your feast sounds great, sharyn. So glad work is getting better. About old feelings cropping up, I think it is not that easy to leave them behind, and very important to be honest with ourselves about them. They are seared into our memories, and I don’t think those memories go away; we just learn how to deal with them. We can rewrite some of the scripts that go through our heads, to tell ourselves we are worthwhile, we DO do things well, we are lovable and so on, but all the negative experiences we went through as children have formed us to some extent. They have left an impact. Good for you for turning that corner, though, frankly, I have great difficulty imaging you being anything like your mother. I can identify with looking for and finding mother figures, Even as a child I knew my mother was abnormal, so I observed my friend’s mothers, though didn’t “adopt” any. Thankfully as a young teen I was sent to England to live with my aunt (father’s sister) who was a normal person, had a decent marriage.It was a good experience. I went to school there, met some good people, and one of them particular became a very close friend who I visited. Her mother over a number of years became a mother figure to me, and she was a good influence in my life, through some very tough times. Then, later, there were a few others who I realised later, were mother figures, more like my own mother, who like you sharyn, and margeauxI had to let go of. By now I think I have internalised a “good” mother figure, and don’t need an external one. I have read that feelings come from thoughts, and if we can change our thinking we can change our feelings. Recovery IS a lifetime process
Lilli – you definitely did the right thing –what a game!!! I am so glad you saw the truth of the situation. I know all about the constant contacts and manipulations – it gets very tiring I find, .
Burned - guilt trips are a huge form of manipulation, it is good you can see that and resist it. Praying that you get that job. There is no doubt that stress is affecting your health.
Hi johnnycares – certainly there is a “me” generation probably the age of your kids, affected by society’s standards. The world has changed from our parent’s and grandparent’s days, when agencies and facilities did not exist as they do now. Which is the cart and which is the horse, I don’t know. Goodness, you are looking after your wife, don’t give yourself a hard time because of your kids. Sometimes our kids make bad choices; it doesn’t have to be our fault. Do come back and let us know who you are doing.
bw – you are doing it for the right reasons (((((((((hugs)))))))
margeaux – yes, things can get quite weird. I have had a couple of manipulative “friends”, long gone now. I think it is perfectly natural that those of us with NMs would seek out mother figures. The problem comes when those mother figures are like our own mothers. Having had the support, and love of a couple of wonderful ladies, I have reached out to some younger family members, and others, to pass that on to them. I could only do this once I had become healthier myself.
Love and hugs to all

I meant this time..

No News on the job yet still praying I get it and but next wk have hubby sees his PCP and I reschedule his pulmonologist appt one more time and arrange transportation. I just pray that they have a cab that is able to come and get us last time. I had already filed a complaint against them regarding verbal treatment to him and I ...I am just doing my job lol. I am hoping that this second job can work miracles for me and I love children and I love my husband...i just do not want to stay home forever. On a good note i got my antidepressant increased to help with my anxiety disorder and a muscle relaxer to help deal with the physical stress that my body is taking on trying to be the momma and the poppa and everything else in between so good news i have a new doctor that knows I am not making up crap and I rarely make visits to the clinic regarding my health. TG i am only one 5 medications at the moment 1 for allergies and 1 one for heartburn issues, 1 for general pain/migraines, 1 to help my muscles relax from doing it all. Next month is my birthday and wedding anniversary...12 yrs now :) ty for ur support and prayers.

Margeaux, Bookworm84~Looking for mothering from others was a symptom that took me many to discover why I did it. Once I started to love and accept myself, I no longer looked outside myself. We can learn much from our mistakes and those of others. I had so much pain during those years that kept me depressed. I was refusing to grow and blaming others. One day I woke up and said to myself, "I am sick of being depressed and being dependent on others for emotional feedback". That was when I started mothering myself. Loving and accepting self is a turning point in our progress. Hindsight is always 20/20 and once I saw what I had been doing I was able to change it. Of course the "friendships" were lost but I also realized they were not good friends for me. Sometimes I slip backwards a little but I am now able to recover quicker and get back on track. This thread is wonderful for insight to apply to our lives because everyone is at a different place in their journey and recovery is life time process. It can't for forced or rushed, therapy helps too. Margeaux, I can relate to being taken advantage of by "friends". It is a hard lesson to learn and a painful one as well. Boundaries are so important and like you said, sometime we just have to end the relationship.
Cattails~I don't recall you mentioning having lived in Visalia. It is about 2 hours south of me. We passed that way many summers going to Kings Canyon. Yes I just needed to get my groove on.
Cmag~enjoy your bbq.
Everyone have a wonderful 4th and as always I thank you for your support!

Sharynmarie, Yes, I guess if we are not careful, some of us can become like our dysfunctional parents. I do understand when you wrote about leaving certain friendships that you felt maybe you found a mother in. I know I did that many years ago, since I realized my own mother didn't provide this for me. I discovered though much to my dismay that when the other party (the mother) in that situation, isn't really kind and loving, or really an authentic mentor, things can get weird.

This happened to me w/an older cousin of mine.
Believe me, she was/is sweet and al those things. However, she is very unfocused in her own life. In our family, she was one of the first cousins I witnessed becoming a single parent. She was living/married a few guys, throughout her youthful years. This cousin even went as far as insinuating to her own brother (who I was very close to), that I was flirting w/some loser she used to have living there in their family home. She's about, 18 yrs. older than me. That really hit below the belt for me. It was not at all true. This happened many years ago. It hurt, because I did naively feel close to her, w/that mothery thing looming in the background. This was one of my RUDE awakenings!

Recently, I had to let a friend go, also. She thought she was being some kind of mother to me. After becoming acquainted w/her, I realized that this feature was a big part of her personality. It could also be, that I met her right after I lost my dad, so I was kind of lost and feeling some trauma from that. But this friend also had some major physical disabilities. In that scenario, lot's of manipulation, over-stepping of boundaries surfaced. In the end, I felt like I was being taken advantage of. No more Ms. Nice Person!!

Well, what can be said, hopefully we live, and we learn, right?
I over the years found myself asking why it was I needed sometimes the mothering, and I knew why. But yes, I'm all for moving on. Life's too short!

Hopefully we can discern some of this dysfunction in many relationships we will encounter in our lives, because many of us sure have lots of experience in this area.

Oh, your bbq, sounds wonderful Sharynmarie, delicious!

Happy Firecrackers! Margeaux

Well, sounds as if

bookworm84, you didn't put your foot in your mouth and you did not do anything wrong that needs apologizing for. You expressed where you are in your journey and that is what we all do.

cattails, I have not focused on getting anyone for yard care yet. Right now, I need to contact an exterminator to rid us of a bug problem that using those canned insect foggers throughout the house did not kill.

Wife and I are getting ready to go to a pig picking to celebrate the 4th.

I hope everyone has as happy a 4th of July as possible.

Love and Hugs

Sharynmarie: Always good to here from you and listen to your history and insights. Did you know that I lived in Visalia for 30 plus years. Don't remember if I told you that. Have a good week my friend and so happy about your accomplishments at work. I knew you had it in you. You just needed to find your groove.

Lily: Clearly you got it right. I'm so sorry for all of you who have parents who love to manipulate. What a burden to the heart and soul. Follow your gut and don't let them rule your lives.

Burned: Did you get the job at the school?

Johnnycares: What do you need help with? Have you checked to see what services might be available to your wife through social services. You can also contact your local area on aging and see if there is assistance available to you.

You are in your early 70's so I'm guessing your children are in their late 40's early 50's. How many children do you have and what do you need from them. Are they putting kids through college? Just curious what the family situation is. Let us know, maybe we can give you some suggestions. You seem to have a good heart and a gracious manner. Wishing you the best.

As I am typing this, the western sun (finally saw some sun today) is casting a beautiful light across the hillside which is covered with evergreens. It just turns them gold in the light. Really beautiful and makes me wish I was a painter.

Emjo: Sending you love.

Cmag: Hugs to you. Did you give anymore thought to hiring yard care.

Have a good week everyone. Love, Cattails

Hi johnnycares. I wonder if you raised a very dysfunctional family since your adult children won't help. NOT!!! I think with the times we are living in, people become so involved on Themselves. Look at the high rate of divorces. The high rate of child sexual abuses (don't care if their kids, they will rape even a 1 year old!). The high rate of drug addictions (feeling so high worth Everything). It's all about Me, Me, Me and more Me.

Anyway, talking from experience, I grew up from a Very Very Dysfunctional family. So bad, that myself and 2 younger sisters have blocked out our childhood memories. Out of 8 children, I stayed to help both bedridden parents. I sometimes wish that I could be Selfish, pack up and just walk away. But, I can't. And it's NOT out of obligations to the parents. It's higher up - God, who told us in the New Testament that we must Honor our Parents. Sigh...That's what I'm doing...and hanging by the tip of my teeth! Like you, I really do appreciate this site. (I think I put my foot in my mouth when I commented to Cmag. Still trying to get the nerve to apologize!)

So, being nosy, what's up? What is that you need that your adult kids will not help you with? I read your profile. You like to communicate...so....vent, and vent and vent!!! Take care.

I must have raise a very dysfuntional family because now when I need for my adult children to pitch in and help us they are so into what they do that there isn't time to help me or my wife, This page was really needed,thank you for the start up,Johnny cakes

imo, i think u did cuz then she wouldn't develop the gumption to do it herself. i may not be caring for a parent but i am caring for my husband i have to use tough love on him now because he expects me to drop everything and get home etc etc. latest spat is about me workin at the local school to get me out of the house and more adult stimulation. i am also am his paid caregiver and living on ssdi and my peanuts check aint cutting so hence the need for a second job. his family doesn't care if he lives or die and mine say i do not give a shit...sometimes you gotta do what ya have to do but guilt trips are a severe form of manipulation and he has use it on me. in the end before ur mom gets worse u will be grateful that you gave her that push to give her independence before the real co dependency behaviour starts so yeah i say u earned a movie night with some wine and/or date with ur hubby ...

I had the weirdest experience today. I had posted about the problems I had been having with my mother. She had decided I would do everything for her and that she didn't need to continue to push on her therapy. She had it in her head she could still live in her apartment, stop post stroke therapy, live in her wheelchair and that I would be there every day to do all of her needs and take her wherever she wanted to go. It eventually got to the point I had to step back because my being in the picture was encouraging this unproductive behavior. She has therapy and home health care, lives in a senior apartment with services (van to the store etc.) and my SIL stepped up to make sure there was someone who could do things when family absolutely had to assist.

This turned into a very weird manipulative month or so of my mother calling me nonstop, sending me manipulative letters and trying to engage other family members into manipulating me. She tried the same routine on other family members that she couldn't walk or use a walker so they must take her everywhere . She was walking with a walker at this point and other family had witnessed this etc.

Anyway, I was at the grocery store today trying to grab some food before the holiday rush. I saw my mother in the store WALKING without a walker, pushing a grocery cart. She didn't see me and I didn't think that was an appropriate time to have whatever very weird discussion we were going to have. I just checked out and went home. On one had I am ecstatic that she is walking without a walker! On the other I feel a bit vindicated that I was right that she was misrepresenting her ability to get around. Her therapists reports and home health care showed she could get around with a walker just fine months ago. I'm also a bit angry about all the drama, manipulation and guilt trips I have gone through. If I had not put my foot down and engaged everyone else in this tough love plan would she still be sitting in a wheel chair running me half to death? I think I probably did the right thing..?