The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

I have to use that lavender oil to keep me calm when I have to go up to Atlanta n see my transplant dr. I have to make that trip June 7th for my routine 10th yrs post-kidney transplant. Except now they have us oldies coming in around noon and leaving almost before folks get off from work. I hope n pray I don't get in that bumper-to-bumper mess for I may have to just take a bath in that lavender oil. ; )

Emjo, yes that tension you wrote about. I too know what this feels like, after I've had those phone calls from my sister loading me up with her views about her mis-behaved daughter who lives there with she, and mom. It can be also about the dysfunction about my brother's situation and his family unit who had that beer fest birthday party, of which his wife was absent. Apparently, she's still out of the house staying at her sister's house. Then as I've written about in the past there's always, my sister's ongoing need to be the controller in too many situations, w/o any boundaries in place. The boundaries, that I'm really reminding myself about daily, as they surface in a variety of ways. But if I may suggest Emjo, try taking a walk, maybe some stretching. Anything, to release the pent up tension. This helps me tremendously! I even do the walks up and down my block, when I feel I'm not up to longer ones. Smell some lavender scents, it's very calming. Hugs & Peace,
Margeaux

I think a garden to relax in is great-I spray painted my which plastic chairs bright blue and have part of a shower chair I use as a table that I painted yellow-my flower gardens have too many weeds to be relaxing.

Austin, I love the idea about creating a "Lady Cave." Everyone should have a cave of some sort. Our place is somewhat small, so I use our lovely garden for some sort of sanctuary. But if we had more room, I was imagining the kid of cave I would create for myself.

cmagnum, I am not even going to attempt to give you any advice on the tax deal except good luck. However, I would like to say something about your Man Cave and that is, "You Luky Dog." I had to give up my computer room and I took all my certificate n diplomas down so that the mnl would feel more homely in at least one of the rooms in the house. I aminly use my laptop in the living room right across from the mnl chair. I do go back their to my computer if I need to make copies and to check on mnl when she get too quiet. I learn that when my son would be quiet. : ) That is great that you have a room away from the house n you have AC in their too, man! It sounds almost like a mini vacation.

Emjo I used self talk ab=fter reading Dr. Phils book and repeated I do not deserve to be treated this way until I believed it. Do you have a lady cave you can disappear in to or a favorite chair aor a piece of a flower garden or a bird feeder or birdbath-watching the birds bathe in the bird baths gives me joy-I have then near a large window where I sit or wind chims make me happy-how about calling a good friend-I know you have some real good friend because you are such a nice lady.

Joan, I heard from the CPA that my step-brother faxed him the needed information after calling him on the phone since the e-mail from two weeks ago did not get a response. Thus, the taxes will be finished in the morning.

Joan~Yes I can relate to that feeling of constant anxiety and tension. It took many years after I got married to be able to wake up on Sunday without the anxiety associated to Sundays (my dads only day off and the day everything would come to a head with my mother). The sound of ice in a glass was another trigger for me for many years too. I detached from my mother back in my twenties so I think that helped a lot. Currently I like you, know that just about any time she will turn on us creating unnecessary stress. Positive self talk is good. With my mother, I can usually determine that she will create unnecessary stress after something gets said to her that she ruminates on for a few days so I always prepare myself in advance for her attack. She is pretty predictable. I became my mother's surrogate spouse when I was 12 years old. She came to me for all her emotional support. As a result I learned how she thinks because I used to think like her until I started breaking the cycle. Living your own life and enjoying your life is so important to keeping a balance. I don't know about your mother, but my mother is so child like, so immature emotionally and maybe that makes it somewhat easier to deal with her personality and to prepare for her next tantrum. Take care and relax by doing what you enjoy♥!

Still struggling with the battle of wills with my mom. After I put my foot down my SIL helped with some loose ends that needed doing. She helped clean a closet and empty the apartment garage stall. My sister came up today to deal with whatever other re-arranging my mom wants done. We are still struggling with her demanding she needs something urgently to only decide it is irrelevant when someone comes to do it. Then there is the whole mess that she insists I am "on call" for her whenever she wants something. She won't use either option from the apartments for getting grocery and other shopping done. She insists I do it instead. So part of the plan for the last 2 weeks was I be unavailable. Other family members try to do what absolutely needs to be done and her nurse, OT and everyone else is supposed to be working on getting her to sign up for either grocery store option. Here's the problem. No matter what the issue is my mom won't get it through her head that I have to work and have other things I must deal with. I tell her I can't do such and such because I have to work, can't lift it etc. and she just ignores it and makes up something else. She insisted I must have been offended as the reason for not being around last week. I assured her that was not it and that I have tons of work I have to get done (i'm self employed). She then decided maybe I was out of town last week. I can not get her to understand that I work and can't just do whatever. It doesn't seem to matter who or how this is explained. She refuses to believe I work. So all the effort to get her into a routine, using the apartment service for errands or anything else is become totally frustrating. She simply won't believe me or anyone else that I work and have other responsibilities. My being gone doesn't seem to be working. Help?

Joan, my mother is not benefiting from her husband's income at all! Everything that is not covered by her long term insurance is paid out of our joint account and will soon draw on the income from our securities. This is even more reason to disconnect her taxes from his.

Cmag, to me. it sounds like some good ideas from your therapist. I would think filing as married but separate would give your/your mum some protection. There is no way part of the taxes on your step dad's income should be paid by your mum. IMO. She is not benefitting from hi income is she? I also think trying to get them to sign an agreement, as you mentioned is a good idea, as is letting it go if they won't. You can only do so much, and boundaries are very important. It does sound like your mum has taken another step into the dementia maze, and her doc needs to know that.

Thank for the support and understanding, everyone. I am so glad the weekend is over. I am reaping benefits in terms of being more relaxed, and also due to hearing from cousins who want to keep contact. I feel blessed by this. For too long I have been isolated from the "healthy" branches of the family. It is another result of being a child of a dysfunctional branch (there are more than one). My mother's sister, and brothers were the nicest people you could meet, and it was so good for me to be able to be with their offsoring. I can identify with how they approach life, which I can't when it comes to my mother and sister.

I am wondering if anyone can relate to being in an ongoing state of tension/ stress, always, waiting for the "other shoe to fall. Even in between episodes, I know that sooner or later there will be more craziness, and I am expecting it to happen - and - it always does. So I live with a degree of tension, which I am sure is not healthy. It may be part of the PTSD, and, if anyone has any ideas about getting rid of it, I welcome them. I think 'positive self-talk" is one. For example, telling myself that there have been X days without craziness, and beng thankful for that.
It is a beautiful morning here - sunny and 55 going up to 77. That is just about right for me. Unfortunately I also have a trip to the dentist, but that is what I call "necessary pain". It is all the" unnecessary pain" that is hard to take. It seems like such a waste.
((((((hugs))))) to all
Joan

My therapist is more concerned about me setting boundaries with that side of my family. My CPA has told me that I, as mom's durable POA, can decide to file my mother's taxes married but separate. My concern is that if he is not willing to even begin paying my mother back, then is he going to be willing to pay for the taxes filed jointly when the all of the tax due is because of his income and not my mother's? The other legal stuff I can check with a lawyer about, but I think it is a basic legal agreement between two people that would need to be notarized. I gather that neither my step-dad nor my step-brother have seen my mother's will. It took me a while to find it, but it says that I'm the executor and the sole beneficiary of everything she ever bought, was given, or inherited. Learning that, it not going to make either one of them very happy. Also, I'm co-owner with right of suvivorship of my mother's personal bank accounts, CDs and securities which is how she set things up about 10 years ago.

Cmagnum: Are you sure your "therapist" is the best person to get tax guidance from? I think I would want a second opinion from an income tax and estate specialist. You're a smart guy, so maybe you've done that. Just seems odd to have a therapist giving you tax info. Especially in such a critical matter. Hugs, Cattails

That is right, the CNA has been calming mom down twice this past week. I do think a call needs to be put into the doctor about this for he might want to order a bed with rails. This is the beginning of her fourth year in the nursing home. My question is has she reached a point where she needs to be in a nursing home with a memory/Alzheimer's Unit.

My therapist recommended that I draw up a contract concerning the money my step-dad owes to my mother that she paid on his past-due taxes, penalties and CPA expenses when I cleaned up that mess from 2004-2009 after it came to my attention in 2009. I really should have had those returns filed married but separate and I would not be in this mess of my step-dad owing my mother money that came from her and my joint account to pay his part of taxes. He said that I needed to draw up the contract for my step-dad and his son who is his POA stating that he owes my mother this money and as her POA as well as the executor and sole beneficiary of her estate, I want to keep her estate in tack. Thus, I want a monthly payment to my mother of whatever amount they chose until this $32,000+ is paid off. Just in case, one dies before the other and the debt is not paid, I need to state in the contract that if my mother were to preceded my step-dad in death that this debt would be owed to her estate or if my step-dad preceded my mom in death this debt would be owed to my mother from his estate. He said if your step-brother and step-dad will not sign this, then just forget it. He also suggested that I just call up my step-brother who continues to drag his feet about the 2011 tax return, tell him I am going on and filing my mother's return as married filing separately and wish him a good day for his dad and those taxes are now his full responsibility.

lildeb, my "Man Cave" is a good thing. It is in the back of my garage which is not attached to the house. It is a 20 x 20 room that is furnished and decorated just the way I want it. It is "my room." This is wear I go to unwind.

I have a desk with my computer and huge screen. One wall is filled with all of the stuff related to Tae Kwon Do that I once did. Another wall is filled with diplomas and certificates. A third wall is full of shelves with my books and I have my special chair for me to read in with a ceiling fan overhead. The other wall is where the door is and the window with the AC.

Lildeb: The CNA was saying what THEY do to deal with it, which is talking to her to help calm her down. Also, she is in a Nursing Home right now, just not one with a memory/Alzheimer's Unit. I did thing your idea to report her confusion to the doc was a good one. Cattails

"Man Cave," not sure if that is for the good or the bad? I call mine stuck in, "Prison."
As for your mom, she mention that, "she was NOT doing what they wanted her to do and she is on their bad side? What exactly is she talking about? Is she making this up? You may have to put up a camcorder or monitor to check things out.
As for the CNA telling you to, "deal with it." That sure does not sound too professional.
Since this has happen twice withing a week, I would make a physician phone call and see if he is aware of this odd behavior. Their can be a number of things that can triggor odd behaviors and that is where the dr should have been follow up on her changes by the CNA. Of course, that is what I would think.

You know that a CNA can get burned-out just like us and she had overlooked forgot to report any behavioral changes to your mom's physician. I would call the physician so that he is aware to find out what is going on with your mom.

As for considering putting your mom in a NH, that will be up to you when you think you can no longer help your mom and manage your life as well. Only you will know when that time is right.
I am glad that you n your wife got to enjoy a nice meal n y'all probable had a nice drive back n forth. Hey, appreciate every little minute you get and enjoy life.

lildeb, upon entering my mother's room at the nursing home, we noticed her legs were not under the covers and her feet were at the side of the bed. I asked if she was too warm. No, she said, I must get out of here and drive my car to ___ for they are expecting me over there soon. We were able to divert her attention to other topics, but she did manage to keep returning to that one. She claimed to have walked the day before and wanted me to help her out of bed so that she could go get in her car and drive to ______. I told her that I was not able to help her stand by myself, but I was going to get a CNA. She did not like that idea for she said that she was already on their bad side for she did not do everything they wanted her to do which she said in a very quite almost little girl tone of voice. The CNA informed me that mom has been like this twice this past week. To deal with it, they just talk with her and help her to calm down. Upon leaving, we told the RN about this. They are going to keep an eye on her. Does this mean she needs to go to a nursing home with an Alzheimer's unit? She can't walk and has not walked since April of 2009. However, she thinks that she has been standing and walking a lot.

We made a short visit with my step-dad who has not been able to see my mother since Friday with his helper gone. His step-son took him on a trip over the weekend in order to keep an eye on him. He was glad to hear that we had visited my mom but did not ask how she was doing which is what he usually says. Maybe he is finally seeing just how demented she has become. However, he also seems to think that there is some magic wand that will make my mother all better and if I keep in contact with her more, then she will clear up. Sad wishful thinking.

My wife and I went out for a nice meal before driving home. I'm presently in my "Man Cave"

I hope your trip is safe n you have a nice visit with your mom. It sounds like you already done a mail address change at the post office so maybe some mail takes awhile. You and your wife should go out n have a nice dinner as well just two of you and just breathe and smell the fresh air. Good luck.

lildeb, I know what you mean, but I'd like to use a rapid fire shotgun.

Your Irish? Cool. My dad is Irish-German and my mother Scotch-English.

I guess that I should just forget the money owed and cut my step-father loose on his taxes by filling my mother's taxes, married but separate. I'm going to discuss the money thing and taxes with my therapist tomorrow.

My wife and I are traveling up to visit my mother today and will stop by for a quick hello with my step-father to mainly check on any mail that has come for my mother that is important that did not come to me like I have all of her other mail come to me that comes on a regular basis. I think that I may have posted these poems before, but I will post them again if anyone is interested

Cmagmun, I'm one those rescue person n I use to do my past life with poetry, mine was very depression with a hint of humor. I have always tried to help others n it is very hard to get those few whom r not willing to help themselves. I'm having that issue with my dad n he lives in another state. My brothers have tried to talk to him too n nothing. It breaks my heart because he is still my daddy even though he has let alcohol control him n the freaking step-mom too! Father's Day is around the corner n I have this feeling he may not be around to see the next Father's Day. You can only do so much with a stubborn Irish-alcoholic parent. Now, I know where I got my stubborness--my dad n mom's side, for she had Apache in her n she was alcoholic too. What is the deal with the freaking alcohol? I have always wanted to take a machine gun and just blow every one of those liquior store to bits. However, I know it would only hurt some innocent people n don't forget you have all those bootleggers.
I only saw the therapist during my college time and it was only about 4 times. It probable wouldn't hurt me to go now, however, the mnl will be stuck up my you know what n that's not going to help either. So, I bite my tongue until I blow. I am getting better from not biting my tongue sometimes by doing heavy intense burning work around the house to wear me out. Plus, I only everybit of 4'7" and 90lbs soaking wet. ; )

Getting back to you, as for the $$$ that is owed to your mom, I agree with Cattail that, "it is better to just cut ties with the sibs and realize you will not get any help from them in caring for your mom. You are banging your head against a brick wall there." That was a good one Cattail. Sad but true and its not worth the headaches that it will cause for you. You will have to try n be the bigger person, just let it go n move on. The Social Service idea is another good one and all they can say is no or denied.

burnedncaringst, how do you even go about trying to get compensation or can u even get paid taking care of a eldery AD relative while living in same house?

Sharynmarie, You got to teach me that, "to exercise my emotional muscles of detachment." I am terribly sorry and she seems so hard-headed. Yet, at least for now she understand you are trying to 'prevent' her from going to the NH.

I hope everyone has a very nice day. Here in GA we have a hint of breeze-n- a little sunshine. love it, I may try n clip some weeds.

I hope everyone is having a quite, relaxing Memorial Day Weekend!
Joan~I also am glad the birthday party went well. The anxiety we experience when we are going to an event with other people who have a history of creating drama can be so intense. It's always a relief when it is over.
Yesterday sis and I had a long talk with mom. We have been trying to get her to see a neurologist for some time now. Sis did some checking on mom's long term healthcare policy which will pay for home healthcare, however, mom must be diagnosed before we can bill them for home healthcare. We talked with her about this, telling her we are only trying to follow the plans that you already set in motion but because you are fighting us on following through, the only other option you are leaving us is to call APS when you progress to the point of not being able to care for yourself, and if we have to call APS, the situation is out of my and sis's hands. Mom wouldn't commit to seeing a neurologist but has agreed to go see her elder law attorney with my sis and me. Mom tried to turn it on us by saying we were trying to put her in a NH, take her car away, etc. but we told her we can't put you in a NH home against your will. We are trying to utilize your long term healthcare policy so you can stay home longer. I told mom that if she doesn't do this, she will have to pay out of pocket which will use up her money quickly and she will be placed in a NH sooner than she wants to be. So far she has not retaliated with nasty phone calls to us accusing us of a long list of elder abuse. She was very lucid yesterday but because of past experience with her, I am not holding my breath that this will go as easily as making an appointment with her attorney to have him explain the same thing to her. Without sounding totally pessimistic I am prepared to exercise my emotional muscles of detachment when and if the fallout comes from our visit yesterday, Lol!!

Sorry I haven't been on here in a good while...I am trying to get my printer to work to mail my taxes...sucks cuz i am out of black ink. Then I am helping out a family also besides taking care of mine. I am also praying and crossing fingers that I get a teacher's aide position so I will be working 2 jobs...night time caregiving and working at the local school to help the system out there since both of my kids will be in school come august. I can't believe it my daughter has 3 days left and she graduated. As for hubby's family and some of mine dysfunction rampant so we have em on ignore list. Family helps family by being there and supporting another; not stealing their money etc. If ur a family member like me taking care of a loved one whether its the state or private care yes you do deserve some compensation....it had taken me five yrs to finally get where I am at and so far I am grateful...I am glad I got a drug addict to stop harrassing my husband but next time she tries coming around restraining order will be placed...so yes it may be rough right now but i am taking care of business...Learn to vent and yell at the wind and learn to detach ur emotions from ppl who do not care what ur going thru is good excerise.

Emjo, Margeaux, Sharynmarie: Thanks for your comments about my Granddaughter. She's a keeper for sure:)

Emjo: I'm so happy you had a big good side to your family visit experience. There will always be some negative, like your mom's comment, but I'm sure that's just her way of saying you are not involved enough in her life. Just think of all the other sarcastic comments you would get if you were more involved in her life. Ahhhhh, love those boundaries.

Gavonna: I think a letter from your attorney to Social Services demanding that appropriate reprimands be given to those who mishandled your mother and failed to investigate your sister's charges against you is more than appropriate. Social Services should be required to take action to make sure this doesn't happen again and they should tell you the steps and actions that have been taken. Going further than that, however, may cause you other difficulties....but maybe not. Just responding to their comment to you that sounded like a bit of a threat. Do what you and your lawyer think is best.

My other thought was, "how much is all this lawyer business going to cost you?" I so agree that it is better to just cut ties with the sibs and realize you will not get any help from them in caring for your mom. You are banging your head against a brick wall there.

Since your mom is now living with you, can Social Services provide in home help with her care. If so, it will help ease the burden on you and your friends and everyone will last longer, including you.

These are just a few thoughts. You have your hands full and it's a crying shame that you have had to endure all the other BS in addition to caring for your mom. I do agree, there has to be some skeletons in the closet that you are unaware of.

Good luck and keep us posted. Hugs, Cattails

Emjo, I'm so happy for you that the birthday party is behind you, and you can breathe a big sigh of relief! That's how I felt the weekend after that birthday party at my drama brother's place for his granddaughter.

Isn't it interesting when a narcissist knows exactly what to say, as your mother about not recognizing you. Good for you, that instead it sounds as if you had a good time reconnecting with other family at the party. Again, I find that we must become very aware, and hopefully this gives us that inner strength we really all have w/in us, to detach from these kinds of people. It's almost like a muscle, if it doesn't get exercised, it goes soft. So let's exercise these emotional muscles! Love & Light! Margeaux

lildeb, I'm glad reading my condensed autobiography was helpful. It does seem a bit less painful each time I write it as I'm gaining distance from much of my past.

You comment, "However, we all know we cannot do it all and hopefully your children will eventually be able to break what chains that are left that need to be broken in order to live a happy life style for their children." is very true and I see some of what remains in each son. The oldest son deals with his pain and anger like I did in college by all of the physical training that he does. He's in the same pre-olympic condition that my dad said I was at that time. However, also like me back then, he is not as assertive as he needs to be; he gets overwhelmed with the needs of others; and he tries to rescue people, but he is very quite about his own feelings and thought with the exception of poetry sort of like I did with playing the guitar, singing and writing songs back on those days. While our youngest is more assertive, but was the hardest to raise, I can see issues of pain and anger that display themselves differently, plus issues from being more enmeshed with his mother for a bit of time that our oldest ever was. However, his enmeshment with his mom was never as bad as it was between me and my mother.


"I think that it is so great that you are seeing a therapist to get help through all those years for know there is tons of other stuff in between that can be pretty nasty, hurtful, scarey and yet there is a lttile good as well." I would hope that after 10 years of therapy which has been quite a journey that I've covered most of this already and I'm exhausted in part from that journey. (BTW, my wife has been in therapy for 14 years.) Had we each been where we are now, more of those chains would have been broken earlier for our children, but as young adults they benefit from where we are now.

My insurance is such that I've been able to see my current therapist weekly since 2005 and that has helped a lot. Sometimes, issues from my childhood would arise during the week and I would write about them in what some people call 'free association' where you just let you mind go and write as feelings, thoughts, and events come back into your memory which meant I knew I needed to see my therapist soon! I've written several poems out of this experience which I can and have made public, but there is one poem about my childhood that will never be public.

All in all, whenever someone finds the story of my life or a part of the story of my life helpful, it tells me that my pain is not wasted.

I'm glad that this thread is helping so many people and I hope everyone has a good day.

While I don't have any real siblings, I do have 3 step-siblings, the youngest of whom lives near my step-dad and once again is dragging his feet about getting his dad's information to the CPA so that my step-dad's and mom's joint tax return can get done during the extension that we filed for. I took on the whole mess of their unfiled, unpaid taxes from 2004 onward on myself back in 2009 and with the help of a new and much better CPA even got the 2010 return in on time. However, this meant paying the taxes out of my mother and my joint account for the CPA wanted to wait until the end to figure how much tax was my step-dad's and how much was my mother's. Turns out, that my step-dad owes my mother over $32,000. He and his son promised to make monthly payments, but I've not seen a dime of it. My step-brother's excuse is that he has to explain this over and over again to his dad, but the check never gets written. He's his dad's POA and could write checks himself, but he is afraid of his dad. My wife thinks he and my step-dad are just glad to have gotten a free ride on past due taxes from my mother and thus have no intention of ever paying her back. I'm leaning very strongly toward having my mother's return filed married but separate.

I hear you, tbailey, brandy and sharyn. Hope everyone has a good day.:)

I do not want to be a critical spirit like my MIL. It is a shame when MIL/FIL won't fully accept those that marry into the family.

Thank God I do not have to take care of MIL. She was a handful and especially didn't like me or my daughter. I am forever grateful she lived 500 miles away.

Oh I think there is alot of us on here I'm taking care of my MIL in our home & Her daughters are nothing but drama.. Even though there mother always did for them her whole life! I think its pretty common on this site & great place to vent about them!!!!!