The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

gavano~Wow, what an ordeal for you and mom to go through! I see nothing wrong with you having friends or people from your church community help you. You are only one person trying to do it all and we are not superhuman. I suggest that you not contact your siblings again. All communication should be done through your attorney, including informing your siblings of any changes in your mom's health that you want them to know. These other issues you refer to could be something that goes way back with your family and since you are so much younger than the others, you have no knowledge of it. Some times there are issues that have arisen that family members sweep under the rug. I say this because it happened in my family. I, being the youngest was kept in the dark about some issues regarding my brother when he was a teenager. It most likely could be something that doesn't even involve you, but they are targeting you just the same. Continue to work with your attorney and in the mean time, don't contact your siblings again. I hope you get resolution soon as well as some help from friends/church family. Keep us updated and welcome to our group!!

Bilmo2012, thanks for your input. Unfortunately, my mother never had any siblings and we never really knew my father's side of the family, so there are no relatives to hand except me. When this got nasty last year I tried to contact some of my late dad's family and a cousin on my mother's side but although I received a response, the gap of many, many years in not being involved with someone didn't really lead anywhere.
The two sisters, 16 and 20 years older than me, one here in Scotland, one in USA, caused most of this. My brother, 26 years in USA now, lives in a conveniently straightforward world - he says that I have the power to choose to put our mum in a nursing home if I want, that only I am stopping myself from having more freedom. He did not express outrage either at what our sisters have done, - he lives in the same state as one of them and does not talk to her. Whilst he stays in touch with my mother and I, he has also voiced that he doesn't think I should be involving people outwith myself to be carer! I point out to him that these people are my friends and that is what friends do, especially when all other immediate family REFUSE to give any help at all in practical terms. He has stated that he will not help out in practical terms, that it is my 'call'. With him being in USA for 26 years and his sister there for 40 years (I am 45) AND the one here (she is mid 60s) estranged voluntarily from her mother, the gap in years and distance of miles have done nothing to help this situation, although we all have the same parents. I still see it as no excuse for them offering no help and in the sisters' case, resorting to base lies about myself to authorities, to cover their own refusal to help in anyway, once I started pointing out to them a couple years ago that our mother was getting older and that I am only one of four!
As regards the legal aspect, given that my mum was released into my care after her horrific ordeal last year, the lawyer believes we have a case for action against the social services staff who failed to verify the lies of two sisters before acting as they did; as regards dealing legally with them themselves for slurring my character with lies, we are told that we would need to use a lawyer in USA (TN) to deal with the one there, but the lawyer we have here in Glasgow (SCotland) can deal with the one who lives here, although as she told us, proving slander/defamation is a difficult thing - we are in the process of accessing the social work records to find out the full extent of their lies before the lawyer proceeds. I have decided to 'give it back' via the law to them as what they done was completely uncalled for and affected both my own health and the health of their mother, mid 80s. The sister in USA used what she thought was the distance of miles and difference in legal jurisdiction to write some of the most insane lies - that I had a criminal record, was 'dangerous', had 'multiple personalities' and had been 'diagnosed years ago with schizophrenia'. All of lies, as I easily proved to social services by asking them to access my doctor's records and to make a check on any criminal charges I had (none). The lawyer says it will take time but we may get a result that makes these people realise there is a price to pay for what they did. The hatred I encountered also from the two sisters was beyond reason - the jist of it being that they say they believe I shouldn't have been born! (Yes these are women now in their early and mid 60s, I am 45). And all because I asked them to play a part in looking after their mother. The sister here has the only grandchildren (now in their 30s themselves) to my mother yet they also refused to visit her and the grandson even refused to invite my mum to his wedding. Why I do not know - I feel as if I have been caught up in not just my mum's care, but other issues I do not understand as they never explain their actions. I even wrote to this grandson (my nephew) last year to remind him my mum was still around but the communication was ignored.

Cmagnum, Thanks for allowing us to have the opportunity to read your autobiography. I can relate to a lot of what you mention and especially not having much of a childhood lifestyle. I am so happy that your wife and you are able as well to try and break those chains so that they do not move on to the next family generation cycle. However, we all know we cannot do it all and hopefully your children will eventually be able to break what chains that are left that need to be broken in order to live a happy life style for their children. I think that it is so great that you are seeing a therapist to get help through all those years for know there is tons of other stuff in between that can be pretty nasty, hurtful, scarey and yet there is a lttile good as well. In a way this website is like a therapy place for me sometimes and one day I may still write that book. ; )

hanna36~ Yes home healthcare does run around $20. an hour. They can also do laundry, light house keeping, meals. So they would not just be sitting with him. Another option is if you belong to a church. You can involve church volunteers to come and stay with him. Or call the local county Area on Aging. It is a tough situation and I hate to see you lose your job because you will have to work in the future. Maybe you could go out on stress leave and get disability for 6-8 weeks and use that time to dig into looking for a permanent solution for dad.

Shary, I do not live with either of my parents. My dad is under hospice care so they do provide a visiting nurse and aid to help with bathing. But no service that I have found will just "sit" with him unless paid $20 or more. The fmla is set up that way but due to the fact that I got very sick (from being burnt out they say) this past winter I do not have enough hours worked to qualify.

The crazy part with him is that his gf is a nurse who doesn't work....yet she basically shut down and is useless

hanna36~Are you living with your father and his girlfriend? Who is paying for dad's care? I ask because you may be able to get home healthcare to come in and help a few hours a day at the time it is most helpful to you. I know that parents refuse to have strangers come in the home to help them, but you may have to stand strong on this and tell your father you have to continue to work. Isn't the FMLA set up so you can reapply yearly? If so then reapply. I have found that with my employer, the less I tell them about my mother's situation the better because I don't feel they are very supportive of this type of situation. I know it is difficult, and ailing parents tend not to think about your future in terms of your employment. There is also placing him in a nursing home or respite. My mother will eventually have to be placed because my sis and I have to work also. Good luck and I hope you find some help soon.

Margeaux, my son does work and so does his wife, it's just they are strapped. Part of it is the debut both brought into the marriage. During the year that they lived with us, they paid no rent. Before moving in with us their rent was $550.00 here in Norcal. That is a lot of money they saved and I can't understand why most of their debut was not paid off. DIL has student loans so I understand that will take longer to pay off. I know its hard in the beginning of any marriage managing money for two people and living expenses. DIL's family is to enmeshed with each other in my opinion and here is why: Son and DIL have a family plan with their cell phones. They have included DIL's brother who does give them money for his part of the bill, however, DIL's aunt is also on it and she never gives them money. I don't know why DIL"S mother doesn't have her son on her own cell phone plan. It's things like this that they do for her family that I think they shouldn't because they can't afford it. Since they have moved to SoCal, we haven't given them anything. I want to keep communication open between us because I am concerned that at some point in the future my son may get fed up with her family especially MIL always controlling everything.I see too much enmeshment with DIL's family and I don't think its healthy. You know, they are happy right now and I guess they are not bothered by creditors calling everyday. I know I couldn't live like that but it is their life. Btw, MIL/FIL live next door. I am glad your parents leaned regarding your brother. My sister was the one who always needed financial help from my parents. She got pregnant at 17 to her HS sweetheart got married. They divorced after 6 years because he was a drug addict (he died when he was only 42). She remarried 2 years later to a man 13 years older than she and he physically abused her. They divorced 6 years later. By this time she was on her way to being an alcoholic. She got involved with another man about 11 years older than she. She didn't marry him (she was afraid to marry again) After 15 years of a strange relationship full of drama and him needing so much admiration and attention, he finally told her he was diagnosed with Paranoid Schzophrenic. She was always in need because of bad choices. She has sobered up and has no man in her life which is a blessing. My parents saw her as more responsible than me, Lol!! My sis and I have a great relationship now and while she still views life through rose colored glasses, she knows herself better and isn't an emotional cripple like she was in the past. Dysfunction becomes a legacy and a hard cycle to break. My eldest brother is also an alcoholic, he is the one who has disowned the entire family. My parents were both alcoholics, my dad admitted it and got sober about 12 years before Alzheimer's was diagnosed. My mother...denies she was an alcoholic which isn't surprising, Lol!! She only quit drinking because our family rallied behind dad when he was sobering up and she was the only one still drinking. Yes giving money to our children can become a full time job. Bailing them out of one hardship after another can drain the parents. I was called by a check advance business back in January after my son moved to SoCal. They were behind in the loan payment. I gave them my son's new phone number. I will not enable them. You are a wise lady Margeaux, thank you for responding to my post. We have a great group of people on this thread and I am happy I found it♥! Enjoy the rest of the weekend.

This is about as dysfunctional as it gets.....I have been caring for my mother for 10 years. She has end stage cop as well as fibromyalgia. Her mobility is extremely limited. My father left her when she got sick and moved in with a girlfriend. He and my mother have never divorced.

Now, my father has mesothelioma and his girlfriend and I are his care givers. He cannot be left alone at all and is ALWAYS obsessing about something that is bothering him......this making whatever it is that much worse.

I have three siblings. One is out of state so he can't help. Two are local. One is a drug addict and can't take care of herself let alone anyone else. The other is controlled by her husband so she never helps either.

I also work full time and am at risk for losing my job because I have exhausted my fmla.

I am sooooo tired all the time.

Sharynmarie, How are you?
My parents throughout the years, became wrapped up in many money matters w/my brother I've written about, "Golden Boy," over the years. He always seemed to have some special status. He was given money after high school to supposedly open a studio for photography. He was neither a photographer, nor business man.
All he did was have a studio, and invite his party buddies to hang out there w/women. My parents paid a one year lease on this place, and he never did anything with it. Much later when he married and had his children, my parents again lent him a huge lump sum, so he could rent a tool truck, to see if he could start his own business again. This truck just sat parked in front of his house. This fell through also. As time went on, my dad at least got the picture that Golden Boy, not only was bad w/money, but also took advantage. Dad took measures to not be his open wallet.

Anyway, my point is that I really believe parents must be very careful to whom they plan on giving money to, for how long etc. A gift to someone, well I think that is a different story. If you are saying that your son and DIL are not responsible w/money, and had debt before the marriage, unless they win the lotto, or something of sorts, how will they handle a mortgage, anyway? You have done a lot already, by just having them live in your home since 2009.

I really feel at least in my family w/Golden Boy, and the way my parents unfortunately just gave and gave for awhile, it did not teach him some values about responsibility, and being grateful.

Your son's MIL, sounds like a manipulator. It's just none of her business.
Anyway, please don't feel as if you are unfair, and some manipulator, is trying to push your buttons! Stay strong! Margeaux

I am a carer for my mother in her mid 80s, I am in my mid 40s and youngest of four, by far. We are in Scotland, but two siblings are in USA and have been for decades, one is still here in Scotland, nearby where I live. Being the youngest and at home with my parents for years after the others had left, I hadn't left home for my own independent life until my parents were aged about 70. My mum managed ok even after my dad died 2004 but in the last few years I have been there as the ONLY family member to help her as she gets older. The others, one way or another, would take NO RESPONSIBILITY at all and I mean none. It is what I would call a dysfunctional family (why I don't know) as apart from the two in USA the one here has refused to even visit her mother with no explanation after my dad died in 2004. To cut a long story short, as my mum entered her 80s and had a fall or two, though could still walk, I was at breaking point and one of the siblings, the one who lives nearby, came to 'help'. Within months she was looking for excuses to have no responsibility even though I was living with my mum at that time. Anything would suffice for her - excuses that she couldn't get on with me, etc etc. When in 2009 I had had enough of this completely non-contributing family giving NOTHING,I voiced to them that there were four of us and that we needed to work out how each of us could help my mum as she gets older. The result: two of the siblings, around 20 years older than me and having not seen their mother in many many years, made made malicious and false allegations about me to local social services, everything from physical and finanacial to mental abuse of my mother. To make matters worse they DENIED having done this despite social services and medical records showing it in black and white. At first there lies were not believed, I had to fill in social workers about the family background and they realised after talking to me and to my mother that she had not even had contact with her family for years. As time went on, (being in Britain we have the NHS or National Health Service) social services were happy that I take my own home again and my mum was given 4 times daily homecare visits to help her as she gets older. This was not the end of it - the two sisters mentioned (my mother's daughters) were apparently unhappy that she was having these homehelps, again despite not even visiting her or contributing in any way to her welfare. They were intent that she should be put in a carehome unless I bore all responsibility of care - despite social services being more than happy that I have a life and my mum have her homehelps visit, with me still visiting her and taking her out several times a week. A social worker phoned me about a year and a half ago to tell me that the sister in USA was still writing to them, now complaining that somehow I was 'controlling' my Mum. The social worker again told me that they were now ignoring her. At this point I decided, on the advice of the fourth sibling, a brother in USA who although taking no responsibility, acknowledged the help I wax giving my mum, to change my mum's phone number which she had had for 20 years as the sister in USA who had been writing to social services was phoning her, which calls were doing nothing to add to my mum's peace of mind. Sometimes she would go into her workplace at 7am before any other workers and use their phone to make these calls which essentially were meant to frighten and undermine my mum's confidence. Again she complained to social services that I had now changed the phone number, I had also written to her workplace and apparently she was questioned in some way as regards using their phone etc. A few months went by without event until last year, my mother broke her arm and ended up in hospital and was discharged after 4 days - but in those 4 days, the sister in USA had somehow found out my mum had been hospitalised and went overboard and wrote to hospital social workers this time, a different dept from the others, and included an insane ranting letter stating that I was 'dangerous', that I had been diagnosed with schizophrenia and had refused treatment, that I had threatened her and her sister (the one who lives here in Scotland). We did not know at the time about this letter and calls she was making to hospital social services - but within a day of my mum being discharged for the broken arm, she was suddenly re-admitted, they said they felt they had let her home too soon. I agreed with their decision - THREE AND A HALF MONTHS LATER MY MOTHER WAS STILL DETAINED AGAINST HER WILL in the hospital, with a view to hospital social services attempting to take guardianship of her (despite me having Power of Attorney already!) and have her placed in a carehome. My Mum was told by heartless staff that she would never be returning home and that she could not see me again. CAN YOU IMAGINE THE EFFECT THIS HAD ON A WOMAN IN HER MID 80s? I had been her only family, with her for decades, after the others had left.
We then became aware of the letters she had sent causing all of this as she had insanely sent copies to our brother in USA and he sent them to me. Immediately I contacted social services and showed them that I was immediately able to clear my name - I showed them that I had no criminal record and offered my medical records to them to prove I had no mental illness or schizophrenia etc. With the help of other social workers who had met me the previous year when she had begun to make these allegations, and a retired doctor we knew, the whole thing was proven again to be malicious. WHAT DISTURBS ME IS THAT she was allowed to make these complaints without any real investigation into their truth - I literally had to PROVE my own innocence! I now have the whole matter with a lawyer, despite social services sending me a letter saying that it will be to my and my mother's 'detriment' if we pursue the way they handled it! We do know that now, however, the social work files are updated to make sure she can never do this again.
Since it happened, and my mum again now lives with me, the said sister has sent a letter to our brother in USA claiming again that she wants to know if I am 'anywhere near my (her) mom'. She also says in the letter that she has been diagnosed with a bipolar illness!!
Apart from the extremity of what happened, still I remain the only one of four to be there at all for my mum. Even my brother, over a decade my senior and in USA, does very little - he phones hardly at all, and when he heard that since my mum has moved in with me, and I have my friends helping with her care, that in his opinion I should not 'be putting that sort of responsibility onto other people'. Unbelievable I know. I pointed out to him that friends offer because they see that no other family members seem willing to help in any way. He says he cannot do anything living in USA. I told him that I am NOT here to be the only one helping our mother with no help from anyone else and that if he feels my friends should not be helping then he should be over here. He says if I want my full freedom in life then I must place her in a carehome (which neither I, my mum or my friends or social services expect) - all to ease his guilt, I suppose, at doing NOTHING. He is the only sibling I (or his mum) is now in touch with. I have read some stories on here but feel mine is depressingly extreme, involving people who refuse all responsibility but even then cannot just have the guts to say it as that, instead making up all manner of lies to cover it.

Cattails, Congratulations to you and your granddaughter. I am happy to hear that you are a part of her life and helping with the wedding. It is a special time so enjoy. Yes my son has a lot to learn and I am happy for them because I see the love between them so I guess I shouldn't complain, Lol! We will always be here for him. I too enjoy spending time with him, he reminds me of a puppy dog wagging his tail. I like your posts because you say what needs to be said. Direct and to the point and I appreciate that. I also am glad we have gotten to each other better. Take care and enjoy this day!

Rant away Sharynmarie: I hear you sister loud and clear. The simple truth of the matter is you are right. You are 150% right. My son is now 44 years old and he is making headway. I've come to understand that he will never be like me. He is a good person, but he is a bit self focused. I can't tell you how much I love him and what a delight he is to be with, but he will never manage money or see the importance of that the way I do. Not going to happen. He is my only child, but he has given me one terrific granddaughter. She is more like me. She goes to college, works a lot of hours and pays her way. We help her as much as we can with some of her college costs,. In fact, we practically raised her to the age of 12 years old. She's now 22 years old. Recently she realized that our health care coverage increased by $600.00 per month, so she called me one day and said, "Grandma, I don't need you to pay for by books any more. I'm making enough money now so don't worry. My son, bless him, says he thinks this money responsibility thing must skip a generation.

Here's the good news Sharynmarie; my son has been dating and now living with a very nice woman (his age) who is a nurse and makes really good money. She is very easy going, no flipping drama, doesn't need to be saved and knows what she wants. They get along so well and just seem like a perfect fit. I hesitate to say that, but in fact it's true. So this is a comfort to me in my old age. He's happy, he's got a good job again, he's found someone who makes him happy and it's not about money or possessions. So there is hope.

We put my dad in respite care over Mother's day weekend and I flew to North Dakota to see my granddaughter. I have not been able to visit her for the past 4 years due to my folks needs. She is getting married this August and, yes, we are helping financially with the wedding. I got to be with her for her final wedding dress fitting and do other special wedding things with her. It was very special to me. She's a little young to be getting married, but really she is an old soul at heart and the guy she is marrying is so wonderful. I am very encouraged for their future.

So now I'm babbling on, but I just want you to know that I am behind you all the way. Your son has a lot to learn, but let him learn them. Everyone has the right to make their own mistakes, just don't rescue him. (When I say that, I'm not suggesting that you let him live on the street. You can put a roof over his head, but you don't assume his debts or make it possible for him to incur more debt.) Someday he will be 44, like my son, and he will have experienced many things and be a better person for it.

By the way, I have a great husband too. I'm so glad to be able to get to know you better. Love and Hugs, Cattails

Cattails~I agree. I worry about the marriage based on the fact that my son was raised traditional. I took my children to church but I can honestly say we are not necessarily spiritual or religious. My DIL was raised Jehovah Witness. She does not celebrate Christmas, birthdays, etc. They do celebrate wedding anniversaries and have their version of Easter so my son is sacrificing a large amount for this union. My son is the main wage earner, however their marriage revolves around her. It is the same with her mother's marriage. MIL was a HR director for a chain retail store for 11 years and was fired 2 years ago. MIL published a book of poetry which has not been a big seller. MIL wants to help others who have been abused or have addictions (which I have not issue with that), but she sees herself as someone who is authorized to expose the "THRUTH" to people whether they have asked for her advice/opinion or not. I understand accountability, but I am not a member of her church community and when you live your life dodging creditors calling you daily as she does and her daughter/my son, you lack credibility in my book to go around calling others out on what you see as wrong with their live. Please don't get me wrong, I understand that there are situations that happen where we are not able to pay our bills, but when it is a way of life...there is something wrong there. I know what you are saying completely and you have my support in the way you have handled it since giving your son the money. We gave them a gift card to a nice restaurant for their 1st anniversary. They lost it. The love and care we put into that was lost as well. They did finally find it a year and a half later. So I see that as no respect to us and no regard to how hard we work to earn our money. I don't want to sound materialistic, however, they just don't seem to take anything very seriously in their life. It's basically, Oh well, I don't have the money to pay you right now so you can just wait until I do and because I do eventually pay you, you should be satisfied with that. My husband and I work hard for what we have and we take our credit rating very seriously, but they don't care...they can get what they want by paying higher interest rates. It is no exaggeration that hey are called every day by creditors. I agree with you on this and we have no intentions of helping them get a house until they can pay their phone bill on time. Thank you for letting me rant, LOL!!

Austin, I am disabled to the extent that I could not work anywhere doing anything. I am in constant pain. In my little town, there are very few jobs and virtually no part time jobs. I am in the middle of nowhereland. Even when I was well I couldn't find a part time job but finally found one after 192 applications. Finally found one but had to quit it b/c of the constant pain in my back. I can't sit or stand for only a few minutes except in a very comfy chair and no lifting. Even if voc rehab could find me a job, I couldn't do it. Thank you for thinking of me, but.... Brandy.

Brandy I understand but is it worth it for you could you earn some money another way working part time in a job close to home.

catails, no not 1949, I am older than that. I want to stay semi anonymous on this site b/c of sister who might recognize me and then yell at me for airing the family's dirty linen. Its a mess.

Billmo: It's a lesson for sure. But it's in the past and I don't hold any ill feelings. It was our choice and our mistake. We should let them make it on their own. If it helps someone else then I'm happy to share.

Sharynmarie: Before you worry about Grandkids, let's see how this marriage pans out. Number one issue for divorce is money problems. Don't mean to be negative, it's just that I've been there with my son. FYI, my husband and I took out a tidy sum from our retirement account to cover the down payment on a home my son and his wife wanted to buy. Our son was making good money at the time, but several years later, when the economy crashed, he was let go of his $75,000.00 a year job. Of course they never saved a penny. Spent it as fast as it came in. The wife decided it wasn't fun anymore being married to someone who wasn't bringing home the bucks, so she left. The house went into foreclosure. Wish I would have kept that $20,000.00 down payment. I would have made much better use of it. Lesson learned. Love my son to pieces, but never again. Hugs, Cattails

Oops I hit enter by mistake as I am typing on my kindle. My son and I had a great time together. They live 10 minutes (WALKING) from the beach. My son told me its only a 10 min. Walk mom. What he didn't tell me was it was all downhill, lol! I made him carry my tripod and we walked back to his appartment on a less steep street. Needless to say my lower back and legs were sore the next day. My son would say its not that far mom. He's 32 and I'm an out of shape 54 year old but I made it up the hill taking rest breaks.

Thank you Joan, I do believe MIL will interfere with us regarding grandchildren as well. I would hope that my son and DIL can have a life without creditors calling everyday, but I also see them as not taking that too seriously. Good luck to you at the reunion and do what you have to to keep your sanity.
Cattails how right you are about buying a house in San Clements. Being a resort area ot is very expensive. All the homes in the city proper have been converted to appartments.

Brandy: I don't know your history and your profile is blank. If 1949 is your birth year, same for me. No doubt you have your hands full. My heart goes out to you. Fill me in on your history if you feel up to it. Love Cattails.

Austin, yeah I should turn her down but I need the money. I will get paid. Sometimes I wonder if any amt of money is worth it though. My husband who has dementia too, invested unwisely and lost a huge ton of money so we don't have that much money, since he has dementia he can't work, so then I was working when he, once again the dementia patient, wrecked the car and I got badly hurt and I can't work. We both have SS and some savings and no pensions, and that's it. So the extra income is nice but not the aggravation. The last time I did this, I said never again and I might again. I will keep you guys posted. I know you are there for me. Sister is giving me a choice. Brandy.

brandy -why do you have to take care of your Mom more days-you are the one with plenty on your plate with your husband -can you say no-let your sister do more-what right does she have to put more on you.

Got news that I am to take care of Mom more days. I am dreading it. I am praying for better days.

Sharynmarie: For what it's worth, I think you have been very fair in all you have done to help your children. I see no favoritism at all. I'm not saying this to be disrespectful to your son, but he's not proven himself capable of handling finances at this time in his life. Hopefully he will grow in that area over time.

We all want to help our kids, but each child is different. Where could they possibly afford a house in San Clemente anyway?

Hugs, Cattails

sharyn - you are not being unfair -you have given your son a lot and in any case it is mone of his mil's business. Each child and their needs are different. . I think that woman will interfer with grandkids regardless of what you do, so you may as well do what you feel right about. You are right that your son doesn't know how to handle money - not your fault and now his responsibility. Glad your freind is getting some help -she has had a big load to carry
bikmo - I am on the road to the family drama in a couple of hours -wishing you well with yours on Saturday. And, from another post, you can have a romantic relationship in your 60s and 70s, The important thing is not to repeat past mistakes. I think I finally have it right. I have been done wrong too.
Margeaux, it is sad to see them go down hill, as difficult as they can be, it is still sad.
cmag -glad you are feeling better You have a lot of senior family members nearing the edge. Keep looking after you
austin, I do enjoy your encouraging posts
tbailey, sounds like you have dealt very well with quite a lot - and yes, who cares what they think
brandy - glad your mum liked your mother's day gifts, sounds like sis is a real big controller. How is your husband?
thinking of you all - if I have forgotten anyone it is not intentional - I love hearing about how everyone is doing

take care - I will check in when I am settled in the hotel.

Joan

That goes for everyone - look after you.

Thank you tbailey! I know I wrote a novel, haha, I wanted to bounce it off others that are not as close to me and wouldn't worry if they disagreed. I called my friend yesterday. She said she is checking into having her mom placed in a NH. It is her brother who is dumping guilt on her. He has told her she is selfish for not wanting to care for their mother but yet won't even come by to sit with their mom for a few hours once a week to give her a break. My friend (Sandra) is older than I and retired. She owned a small business for years. When Sandra was in her 30's her first husband died playing basketball with the guys on Saturday morning (massive heart attack). He was only 38. She remarried some years later and lost her second husband to cancer when they were in their mid 50's. Two years ago she was involved with an older gentleman who died from cancer and COPD. She has had a difficult life involving caregiving for many years. Her mother has Alz and is advanced enough now that Sandra has to bath her, dress her, brush her teeth, etc. and it is taking its toll on her emotionally and physically. I think she will follow through with placing her. She told me she went to local Alz support group meetings and they talked with her for 3 hours about the whole situation. Sandra is the sweetest lady I have ever met. You know the kind of person you meet who makes you feel comfortable from the beginning and she values people. I can't say enough about her...she is a wonderful person. As far as my son's MIL is concerned, I don't really care what she thinks. I only want peace between us because someday we will be sharing grandchildren and I don't want her interfering in that, however, I think she is will. When my son and DIL lived here in Norcal, her mother had a family thing going on in Socal so my DIL basically blew off my daughter's wedding and every get to together our family had, she had a reason not to attend. DIL wasn't like that before they got married. Thank you for reading my novel and responding. I am not upset over it because I think my husband and I are doing the right thing until they can get out of debut and show us they are going to manage their money responsibly. If they save their money and qualify for a loan to finance a house, then and only then will we give them a monetary gift. Even though we have already given them a lot of money over a period of them, MIL says that is not fair because we gave our daughter money in one lump sum. Oh well, we gave to our son and DIL where we saw the need was at the time.

Cmagnum, I too have relatives that love to put on airs about who they are. I have one cousin who's about five years younger than me. She is an only daughter, and grew up quite spoiled. Now as an adult, she is a principal of a high school. So any time we see her, oh boy, she always manages to remind people that she is a "professional."

Well I'm glad to hear that you're not feeling as overwhelmed as you felt I guess it was a couple of weeks ago, now? What you said about your dad and the caregiver's input, with your mom and stirring things up when they've been maybe giving her ideas that she'd leave the nursing home, I'm sure that made it extra difficult for you. So yes, this must make her feel more confused.

I know as time goes on, since I'm really learning what the effects of ALZ can do to a loved one, I'm having to realize that there could be some decline going on with mom. On account of this, I totally understand how you feel when you've written about your mom's situation. Yes, I've had my sad moments. Last year I had a grieving of sorts, realizing mom would never be the same. But now I have tried to adjust my attitude to the now. What I do is try to work with it, and try to be on the look out for changes, clues....then maybe I can put my little grain of sand to make things a bit more comfortable for her.

Well, that is good, Cmagnum, that you do have the long term insurance, and she is in the NH. So at this level, this is a very good thing. You're a good man, I know from reading here you take care of a lot of people and business. Stay strong!
Love & light! Margeaux

sharynmarie I read your whole post carefully & no you are sounding fair stick to it... Myself was like your daughter well lets just say my 2 sisters had big fancy weddings my parents helped pay for. Well I'm the middle child & my husband & I kinda did things messed up see we been together since age 15. We accidently got pregnant early with our son. I was 17 going on 18 & graduating HS My husband on other hand had lost his father at a young age & recieving soc. sec. & alot of credits behind & was in trade school ffor welding & if we got married he lost his check so I graduated & got a job till he finished which he also took schooling after HS so It took 2 years by the time we were ready to marry I told my mom I knew what a dollar was worth and I was not spending all that money to impress anyone I just wanted my family to be one. So parents
knew my husband & I had plans to go see some of his family in tenn. that summer so they just gave me a small amount before vacation then rest when I got back Which I told my mom to do because I didnt need all they were giving us to blow on a trip. Its your business who cares what they think...I just hope your son isnt influenced by them he probaly knows how they are. He is around them more than you. GOOD luck...
How is your friend? Was she trying to decide to quit caregiving with no regrets was that it? just wondering...

Cmag~I am so glad you got good news regarding your health. I am sure that is a load off your mind. I hope things improve with your family member's health issues. I know my mother has progressed with the Alz and can no longer tell the difference between me and my sis when we talk on the phone. Surprisingly enough, she thinks my sis is me all the time now. Maybe because I am the one who looks after her primarily. It surprises me because my sis is her "Golden Girl" as Margeaux has stated, LOL!! Take care of your self as your health and well being is what gives you the stamina to take care of your mom♥!
Margeaux~Alz affects them differently at different stages. As I told cmag, my mother confuses me and my sis all the time now. She continues to disregard anything we tell her and I don't expect that to change...it's what I see as her not recognizing us as adults or as separate beings from herself (personality disorder). It's a shame family get to together's are so uncomfortable. With my family I am comfortable because they accept me. My husband's family is a different story. They want me to follow their traditions,etc. and disregard anything that is about my family and I refuse to do that. Maybe I am wrong, but I do not believe I should clone myself after my mother-in-law to be accepted by them.
Pineapple~I am happy you have a great attorney working in your behalf. It will make things easier in the long run.
Bilmo~I love your sense of humor and totally get it.
I returned yesterday from visiting my son and daughter in law. There are some issues there that I have not shared. Back in February my sons MIL sent me, my husband, my daughter a message about how their family comes together in a time of need. It went on about how my DIL's brother gave my son and DIL a down payment on a car, and how brothers and sisters should help each other during times of need. All three of us were very offended with this message. If she had just posted it on F/B we would not have taken personal. My son and DIL lived with us until January 1st of this year. They were suppose to pay us $200 a month. Not because we need it, because we wanted them to know it wasn't a free ride. When they got married in 2009 they both brought debut into the marriage. My son wasn't raised that way but he doesn't seem to be able to handle money well. They lived with us without paying anything. We continued to give them money to help them out just as we did before they moved in with us.Apparently they were also getting money from DIL parents. When my son left here in NorCal to go to SoCal (San Clemente is about 375 miles south of us), he blew the engine in his car because he wasn't getting regular oil changes, etc. He then drove his wife's car for about 3 weeks when it went dead too. MIL blames my son for DIL's car biting the dust which I dont think is deserved in that short of time. Because of the message MIL sent us, my daughter (I told her not to respond) who is very assertive and does not put up with other people's garbage told MIL that she is way off base and that we as a family have helped them as much as we can without going into debut which we are not willing to do. She also told her that she was not aware that both cars had died and that she and her husband could not have helped them anyway. MIL responded that me and my husband favor her over our son. This is because when my daughter moved to Idaho, she was living with her fiance and his parents and they(daughter and son-in-to be were saving money ) While I was planning their wedding here in Norcal, my daughter surprised us by telling us they bought a house in Idaho. Her fiance did not want a formal wedding so my daughter was torn on what she wanted to do. We could not afford a big formal wedding and were planning a simple formal wedding that was going to cost us around $3,500.00. Because she was torn on what she wanted to do, we offered to give her $3,000 as a gift for her house and have an informal wedding. They went for that instead. My son and DIL had a formal wedding that cost around $10,000. We paid $500 for flowers, the tux rental for our son and my husband, 2 nights stay in a luxury hotel because his MIL want nothing but the best. We ended up spending close to $2,000. Plus we were giving them money to help them out when the wedding was over because they were and still are financially strapped. MIL stated that we should have offered my son and DIL money to get a house like we did for our daughter. I told her it was none of her business and that she is trying to place a wedge between us and our son. Please be honest, are we wrong in not giving them money for a downpayment on a house when I received a call as recently as today from a company down south that they are behind in a payment??? I just returned from a visit with my son and DIL. I offered the olive branch to MIL. She took over the conversation (she is very assertive and describes herself as having a "BIG" personality"). I took control back and told her I was not going to split hairs over our differences and that I apologize for "misunderstanding" the message she sent to us. I did this only because we will be seeing each other from time to time and yes, I am being selfish because I will demand my rights to my grandchildren regardless of what MIL may say. When my son and DIL can get out of debut, save the money for a downpayment on a house, and qualify for loan...all on their own, we will give them a monetary gift as well. Is this fair or are we showing favoritism toward our daughter??