Follow
Share
Read More

34K Comments

Newest
First Oldest
First
1132 1133 1134 1135 1136
I am sorry, I see from reading other threads that your mum has passed. My condolences. I am with you on wanting to cut contact with my sibling once mother has gone, and the financial dust has settled. What do I expect from my sib - the worst, and nothing less. then I am prepared.
(0)
Report
Not callous at all. He has had excellent innings (cricket reference, I know - my Uncle Bert took me to a cricket game when I was over there). My mother seems to enjoy her suffering to the fullest. Everything is a battle for her. Is your mum ready to go? I do think that readiness can factor in there to some extent - sometimes (and that is about as vague as one can get, I know). Re the May Madness, i decided that I was giving them too much power over me, Has my sister behaved atrociously? Yes, and I expect that will continue. I have no control over her, or anyone else. I am only responsible for me, I have found that I had to accept the realities of my family, and grieve the lack of support and healthy relationship, (it ain't gonna happen) , before I could move on. If you lower your expectations of them, you get hurt less. It is a bit of a pill to swallow to accept that you share genes with people who behave as they do, but once you get thankful that you aren't like them, it gets easier. Note - I didn't say easy.
(0)
Report
Humor does help, and if it only helps you (which is not the case) that is fine -something to add to my list. Chinese firedrill - that gave me a laugh and I don't think anyone would perceive it as a racial slur. My own week is becoming more and more complicated as I just had a call that sig other's dad is in hospital at death's door, so as well as a family reunion, and Mother's 100th, a funeral may be thrown into the mix by next weekend. I was looking forward.to a leisurely week of preparing myself for our family's version of a Chinese firedrill. I call it May Madness. Mother will not like being upstaged, and there is only one way she can ramp up her position, but I don't think she wants to do that. ;) Do tell us details. It will be a good distraction.for me. :)
(0)
Report
Thanks and Happy Mother's Day to all.Do something good for you today.
(0)
Report
Happy Mother's Day to all!
(0)
Report
Happy Mother's Day to all you wonderful ladies! The job you do as caregiver is the hardest job of all and all of you are loving, caring daughters, granddaughters, nieces, etc. I hope that everyone gets time on this day to spend for yourselves. Love and hugs to everyone!!
(0)
Report
Hi bill - welcome to the thread. I like your honesty. :) I can identify. We have mother's 100th b'day celebrations on May 20th, and I feel my stress levels rising, and my one sib is a major reason for that. The meeting you are going to sounds much worse than a family reunion/birthday celebration. The time comes when our reactions to our situations need to come to the fore, and we need to deal with our emotions, for our own sakes. It sounds to me like you are there. My big event starts Saturday too, so what can we do to help ourselves get through this next week. Let's leave the fall-out from next weekend for later. One day at a time. Venting is good. It helps. Being with people who prop me up helps me, not necessarily talking about the "stuff", but just being with friends, and having some distractions,. When I have felt as bad as you sound, I have gone for counselling. Exercising (walking for me) helps to wear off some of that negative energy. The stress can affect your physical health too. Are they worth it?
Hope you come back and tell us more about you and your situation. Caregiving is one of the hardest jobs in this world, and there are lots here with much experience.
(((((((hugs)))))
Joan
(2)
Report
bilmo I am so sorry -try to not get so upset just ignor those people-maybe you have someone who can be there with you to support you-I hope so. Tell us more and maybe we can help you cope.
(0)
Report
Margeaux~Thank you for your support. Yes, it was a stressful night. When I get emotionally stress, then my stomach (acid reflux) flares up. Things are calming down now. Mom is more lucid than she was on Thursday which is good. We have told her the dr. doesn't want her driving right now and she is cooperating but her suspicious radar antenna is up. She is asking whether the dr. is trying to take away her license. My sis was a real trooper through all this since she handled most of it this time. Usually I deal with most of it myself. We are a good team where she is the good cop and I am the bad cop. I am the one who will get tough with the drs. Sis's low blood pressure (94/68) causes her to become lightheaded, weak and fatigued easily. Today is my day to care for mom, I will be taking her out to the grocery store soon. Love and hugs to you!
(0)
Report
Sharynmarie, how are you doing? I read your post about the trip you took to the emergency with your mom. This must have been really stressful for you. When I read the part about you struggling with her, then having the moment of feeling bad for her the next day, made me think of this double edged sword many caregivers go through when they are having to jump through the legal hoops, not to mention the everyday challenges. Crying is good too. It's a total release of tension, hopefully it has helped you to sleep also.
O.K., Sharynmarie, your on it w/the legal matters, it will be resolved because you are giving it the proper energy. Meanwhile, I will be thinking about you and your mom. You are a wonderful daughter to her! Love and tons of light! Margeaux
(1)
Report
Happy Mother's Day to everyone. Health issues do seem to explode along with the stress. Pineapple, yes I noticed the MSW--I'm an MFT and yet these family issues hit hard regardless don't they? Family members can certainly be a awful teacher in life. sharyn I hope you are able to get your mother in to see the neuro right away. I had a similar situation with my dad while he was dying from cancer--we had to scramble to get control over his finances and health decisions. Sending out hugs to all of you.
(2)
Report
thanks sharyn - my health issues "exploded" when I first moved mother into an ALF. I do believe that there is a connection, I developed systemic (invasive)candidiasis which has a 45% mortality rate. Fortunately, it didn't get worse than it was, but I am having a heck of a time getting rid of it. This is not helped by doctors who know very little about it. I have virtually a lifetime of antibiotic use behind me which is one major causative factor (due to allergies followed by infections), but have found another way of dealing with these, as well as avoiding the allergy triggers as much as possible. For peace of mind and stress reduction (stress is another major causative factor), I have to cut off contact with mother periodically, as, even though I have a degree of detachment, her antics still cause me some stress - all the childhood buttons I guess. Hence, I caution others to look after their health. There are consequences to dealing with family members with personality disorders, to being a child of a narcissistic parent. and you have to develop somewhat unusual means of protecting yourself. I have been pretty healthy all my life and was more able to tolerate the stress up to my 60s, but have found in my 70s it has more of a physical impact on me. Most caregivers here are younger than me - 40s to 60s. Parents are living longer, so more will find themselves being caregivers when they themselves are seniors. This brings additional complications. Any prayers, positive thoughts are most appreciated.
Pineapple, what a blessing in your situation that you have this knowledge. Have you decided on a course of action? Sibs can be the biggest problem, Mine is probably worse than my mother, and would take me to court in a minute if she thought she could get anything out of it. I found out recently from her estranged son, who she has disinherited, that she has been obsessed for years with her potential inheritance from mother, and hoping to get it all. I was written out fo mother's will at one point, but she (mother) has reversed that. Oh, what a tangled web we weave...
(2)
Report
Anyone who is interested in learning more about geriatric care managers, you can look it up on this site. There are several good articles about what they do and finding one near you.
(1)
Report
whope- my sibs forced me to learn a lot more than I wanted to know. :) also the MSW stands for Master of Social Work so got the basics anyway. Good luck!
(0)
Report
Joan~ I did not know you were having health issues regarding yourself. I am happy your new dr. is running tests and I will keep you in my thoughts for answers and results. I know what you mean about people with personality disorders being their own worst enemies. It is a shame that they make life so difficult for themselves and everyone around them. You have such a great attitude and have distanced yourself enough so that you don't get caught up in the drama they unnecessarily create. Take care and I hope you get some satisfaction with the new dr.♥!
(1)
Report
Vhope00 and Pineapple, we do have a DPOA...but we can not use it without a diagnoses from a neurologist and the DPOA only gives of financial control. We spoke with an attorney last week. He told us that we cannot force her to do anything physically against her will without a conservatorship because it violates her civil rights. This is why we can't force her to see an neurologist, place her in a NH or have home healthcare. I truly believe that APS will agree she should be seen by a neurologist. It is not the way that we want to pursue the situation but we have very well have to. Mom's cognitive awareness today is very decline. It was late when the hospital gave her the sedative so it may be still in her system, or it could be from the trauma yesterday that the Alzheimer's has progressed to the next level. If she does not perk up by tomorrow, we will know she has progressed which means we are going to have to act quickly to get home healthcare to come in to assist her for 4 hours a day. My sis and I could actually discuss her situation with her sitting at the kitchen table with us, she could not follow our conversation, very big decline and very scary!! If she continues to be the way she is now, we will probably be able to make an appt. with a neuologist and she won't understand. She is not taking any medication that would cause her decline, only an antibiotic. It broke my heart to see her like this today. She reminded so much of my dad when he had Alzheimer's and he would sit with us while we all were in a conversation. He would pick up the newspaper, an advertisement, anything he could get his hands on and read it out loud because he couldn't follow the conversation going on around him. My mother has a living trust, no one can take her house. Her attorney saw to that when he wrote up the living trust. My mom does have long term health insurance that will pay for a NH, when that runs out, her other financial matters come into play. Thank you for that information it is very helpful to know. I have a feeling that we may be able to get her in to a neurologist since her situation is showing a marked decline. Love and hugs to all!! Please take time this Mother's Day weekend for some much needed down time for yourselves♥/
(0)
Report
Happy Mothers Day to all
sharyn I aked about you on another thread, It all seems to get more complicated for you by the minute. They are their own worst enemies, but blame everyone else. It is so frustrating and draining. My mother has now decided she has to move - to another city to be near a "friend" who is barely an acquaintance. I will not help her do this, as I believe she is as well off as she can be where she is. It is the old geographical change routine. She will not be happy anywhere for long, and moving takes up resources. I have had to change doctors, as my gut infection is not improving any more, and if it flares up again that is serious. I felt my old doctor was humoring me. I see already my new one has made a mistake on the requistion for tests, so I will have to go back to him today and get that corrected. We don't have great choices here, but at least he is ordering tests. What a balancing act we all are going through
pineapple that sounds like a nightmare.
vhope sounds like you are stepping back and taking a breath. We all need to hugs to all
Joan
(1)
Report
My brother and I have both fors of the POA and so far it's worked well. Pineapply you have so much knowledge about this stuff...scary stuff about what APS can do...
(0)
Report
sharynmarie - you do not have to involved APS and in my opinion that can be a nightmare. Try for a power of attorney first. If you or your sister have a health care power of attorney, you can make decisions in your mother is not able to. That is least invasive power. Also an attorney can do the conservatorship instead of APS. I would not be comfortable turning over all the choices about my mother's well being to a government agency together with all the conseuqneces (potential consequences). I do not know if you know but if your mother owns a home and APS determines she must go to out of home placement, they take the house. The state has right to sell the house (it might not be until her death but also can depend on if others live in the house when) to recover costs from what they pay for her treatment in out of home placement. It's a federal law.
(1)
Report
Sharnmarie, my heart goes out to you. It is terribly hard when the parent fights against something that is actually helpful. Crying is a great thing to do and you were successful in getting her help. Will APS help you get a conservatorship? It's a new day and something I try so hard to hold on to is "this will pass".
(1)
Report
Hello everyone, it has been relatively quiet on the mom front until yesterday. My sis took mom to the dr.for a procedure done in the office. Sinuplasty~not going to go into detail about what it is but they do pack the nose afterwards. The packing was to stay in until mom's appt. with dr. this morning. Mom told my sis she was going to the bathroom and she pulled all the packing out. It resulted in her nose bleeding which is what the dr. said would happen. Was at emergency until 10:30 last night at which time they finally admitted her for the night because she would stop picking at her nose. It was still bleeding when I left. The sedated her and put these gloves on her hands so she wouldn't pick at her nose. It was so stressful because mom refused to listen to me and my sister. She refused to be admitted, refused to be sedated and without a conservatorship our hands were tied!!The emergency room dr. said we can't violate her rights by forcing her to do something against her will. I told him we are not trying to violate her rights, but at the same time you are witnessing her agitation, confusion and refusal for healthcare that is needed so how are we supposed to help her make the right decisions when she refuses to see a neuologist to be diagnosed? We don't want to have to bring in APS but she leaves us no choice. The dr. said we will have to do that. Once her dr. agreed to admit her, mom settled down rather quickly. It was a mess to deal with and I don't want to go through something like this with mom again. She is going to fight us on everything because she has to be right. I feel bad for my mom but why does she have to make everything so damn difficult!! I finally lost control because of the stress and had a good cry over it all, I guess I needed it.

Hang in there Pineapple, I hope all settles down for you soon. I hope everyone else on this thread gets some peace and rest regarding your situations, we sure need it!!
(1)
Report
Margequx, To clarify....my brother did not have a power of attorney. It had been revoked, but he usedit anyway. We know he made changes to many accounts and in essence stole a substantial amount of money. Because he stole it (and I did not know about the accounts even existing at the time), it was not Mom's. (Still is not at this point.) It is substantial enough that if Mom had had the money she would not have qualified for a VA Pension. She has been receiving the pension for about 2 1/2 years now. Now, if VA knew the money was MOm's, but not reported, she would not qualify for the pension and it would have to be paid back. But since my brother took it, he had it and it was not reported. (So all was done exactly as it should have been done and Mom qualified.) Now that I have discovered the theft (but do not have all the proof), I am thinking telling VA abou thte situation as they have the muscle to get all the proof, and then they would be able to recover Mom's money and theirs. It's complex. But trying to decide if it would make my life better or worse where VA issues are concerned. :)
(1)
Report
Pinapple, I do not understand how all of the bureaucracy works when it comes to people's benefits. However, you're doing the right thing. I'm sure when you star the process you'll have more information to sift through this.

In our family, when my sister was the re-appointed POA after our brother messed it all up, our mother's, aunt's (her sister) financial matters were in bad shape. This event happened about 4 yrs., ago and my sister was telling me that to date, she's still unscrambling this mess. There was one issue in particular where our aunt, made my sister recently believe she was no longer POA, for her. So when my sis tried communicating w/aunt's attorney, they wouldn't return calls. Finally my sister found this out on her own from that very attorney. But she was trying to address some problem about a change of title, on a property owned by aunt, which had been re-assessed. This meant taxes went up. Attorney's mistake. My sister and the other brother (nice one) who's next in line as POA, haven't pursued this error?? by that attorney, yet. I'm not at all in this mix, but I've been thinking that if they don't pursue it, that isn't good on a lot of levels. I'm a firm believer, that we shouldn't allow people to rip off our elders, or jerk them around.

You'll do well, and I'll be thinking of you! Stay strong! Margeaux
(2)
Report
Info / update..... Mom has been receiving a VA Pension that she would not have been eligible for if the money had not been stolen. (A cousin that is helping me with this and I figured out that it is substantially more than what we first thought - potentially closer to $1M.) Anyway, as soon as I get a bit more documentation (proof) which should be next week, I am going to ask VA about helping with this. They would have $$$ to recover. I have a contact person that is high enough up their food chain to be able to know what to do and how to go about this. What do you all think about that approach?
(0)
Report
Hi June, yes we are around the same age. I will be 75 this summer - thinking about starting a blog about turning 75 - Necklaces, Blue Nail Polish and a Hearing Aid - LOL. I figure if I have made it this far, anything goes!!! I have come off antidepressants - speaking up more about what bothers me, and refusing family abuse helped as well as sig other's support. I still have a chronic infection that I am dealing with, and need to change doctors and get a referral to a specialist. You are right that Margeaux's niece could pull her weight, considering she gets so much done for her. One thing I have found is that if you make yourself available to do things, no one else will step up.

Hi and hugs to everyone - Joan
(0)
Report
Margeaux since your sister does not seem able to set boundaries for this kid-I would just say what I want to her like mind your own business and learn how to talk to your elders and you make me not to want to come over to help your mother and why do you not help your Mom instead of sleeping all day and going out every night-someone needs to tell this kid some social skills. Joan it is so good to see you back here-we are about the same age-I miss your postings and hope you are feeling ok.
(0)
Report
Thank for the hugs. I am doing OK. The big family reunion./mother's 100th birthday celebration is coming up, This is not bringing out the best in everyone. Family dynamics can be strange. I know once mother passes, things will change, and I suspect my sis will be more interested in a relationship with me, but it willl be no more positive than it ever has been, and it may be worse. It is not unusual for one to step into the shoes of another. I don't need that. Things change but do not necessarily improve. As always - look after you! Let us know if you manage to "clear the air:"
(0)
Report
Emjo, how are you? Yes, I had noticed you hadn't posted here for awhile, we miss you. Yes, this is the only bedroom on the ground floor, and I do/did end up sleeping in an adjacent living room, on sofa. Boy did my back feel wonderful, when I returned back home, had to resort to the Aleve! HAAH! Yes, it is creepy, and especially because she was creepy, sorry but that's the truth! Thanks for the suggestions, and no, I've been wanting to really burn some sage, but for I'm aware that sis, & even mom don't like the fragrance. I think my sister also thinks I'm on the superstitious side because of my belief system.

Oh yes!! I am doing the boundary thing with all of them over there. I mean, if my sister wants me to keep coming in relief for her mode, the very least I hope for is that I don't have to go to that address as I once did while our aunt was there. But isn't it interesting in our families, while we think that once one of them is no longer w/us, things are going to get more calm and positive. Now that she's gone, this niece seems to have taken center stage over there. Well, even as a small kid, I already saw some big red flags w/this one, too! O.K., I'm going to try the oil. Glad to hear from you! Hugs! Margeaux
(0)
Report
Hi all
Haven't been on this thread for a while, but read it daily. You all are doing so well.
Izzie - how are you doing? You made a good decision to place your mum with your sis when you had to take your son to hospital. How is he?
Banshee -miss you and wondering how u r.
austin, cmag, burned, many others - thinking of you
It seems so much of this is setting boundaries - we can only change our own behaviour, not anyone else's.
I get a little nervous around mothers who give their all to a child. i don't think it is healthy for either of them. Marg, all you can do is set your boundaries. I agree this niece looks like she is spoiled and has few social graces.You are not obliged to give her any information. As far as adjusting to the "atmosphere", is there another room you could sleep in? I think I would find that a bit creepy. I gather it is your mum's bedroom, so you really can't change anything in it very much. As a Christian, I would go through the house, pray and anoint door jambs etc with oil. That might seem a bit far out to some, but I have found it has good results.
The effect of growing up in a dysfunctional family is great. At 74, I am still having new insights, leanring about things, and resetting my boundaries.

Have a good day everyone
Joan
(0)
Report
There is a very ungrateful grand daughter, and niece to me, currently living at our mom's with my sister. She is 22 yrs. old. This is my sister's youngest daughter, and she is very spoiled. My sister is paying her car payment for her. The girl, goes to a community college. She doesn't work, never has up to now as far as I know, not even a part time job. She is very rude also. Usually when I go to mom's, if she is there, she manages to sneak out the door while I'm in the bedroom w/mom. One day my husband and me were there for a visit, sitting on the couch w/mom and the caregiver. She pranced down the stairway, and gave us a wave and left. My sister hasn't taught her daughter some important social skills.

The other day, when I went to sit mom, I did see her car in the driveway. It was four o'clock in the afternoon. Then about 6:00, I decided to go upstairs just to see if she was there. Well, her bedroom door was open, and I could see her foot on the bed; she was sleeping. She sleeps all day, but oh boy, she comes alive at night. Sure enough, I heard the front door slam about an hour later, and she never came to say hello.

So the next day, my sister returned early in the a.m. We were done w/breakfast, and my niece came downstairs, again not really saying hello. I had to initiate it.
Now because of her obvious attitude w/me, I by no means go out of my way.
She then turned into this 12 yr. old, telling my sister that she was starving. So my sister jumped right to it, and started to ask her what she wanted to eat. My sister just caters so much to her, and I know that she doesn't so much as help my sister, when needed w/mom. I was getting ready to leave, and niece starts to give me the third degree about an ex-negative friend from my past. She asked something like, "what ever happened to Lila"? To which I responded, something like she's part of my past. Niece, continued to prod, "yeah but, what happened, did you guys have a fight, what was it about." I couldn't believe the audacious tone coming from her. She said this in front of my sister. I of course, gave her a very general answer. So you see, how rough around the edges this niece is? My sister hasn't instilled even, what we were taught, not to ask people way older than you intrusive questions. The thing that really gets under my skin, is she says things like this in front of her mom, and my sister doesn't at all tell her, anything. Can anyone give me some insight here? These are some of the things also about going over there at my mom's that I don't like to have to come up against. Interesting, how some .....now I'm going to be not so nice, "PUNK," can't say hello, but thinks she is privy to info. about my business. It's very difficult to say anything to my sister about her daughter. It's the kind of situation in which a parent w/always diffuse, make explanations, etc. So I'm w/any of you who are concerned about grandkids and the like who just take up space. Margeaux
(0)
Report

Recent Questions


Popular Questions


Related Questions

Start a Discussion
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter