The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Wishing everyone a Happy Easter weekend! I am taking a break from things so I will catch up everyone soon.

cattails, the last family care meeting we had was with my step-dad, his helper, my mother, the social worker, a person from PT, me, etc. The social worker outlined what my mother would need to be capable of doing and the need for doing a safety inspection at home before the doctor would give her a safe discharge.

My mother has not worked with PT since she got there for she is just like her mother after she broke her hip. My step-dad and his helper already tried to take care of her when she was recovering from a stroke and through working with rehab that time got back to walking. However, after 8 days she was dehydrated, undernourished and her blood pressure was so low that she could hardly walk. In my opinion, they failed.

My step-dad's helper has already tried to get a $40,000 loan from my mother which I put a stop to, but my step-dad could care less about my mother giving away that much money. So, I think the caregiver has her eyes on $. She's already basically moved in our house which my step-brother gave her permission to do. He's in a wheelchair and not of sound mind himself, but for his alcohol should be in a nursing home himself. Also, my step-dad's thinking is so unclear that he offered one caretaker some money to help him defend himself against their lawsuit for forging checks in their name by which he stole $14,000+. Neither my step-dad nor mom believe in hiring certified people and the riders that my mother bought with her long term health care cover home health care and home builder, but no when she needed them she had hidden them and when they were found claimed they only were good if she was totally out of it. It is sad how sound our minds can be when making plans and then how warpped and obstinate they can be when in need of the care the planned for themselves to get and had paid good money for over the years.

The caretaker does not like nursing homes at all. After she gets up in the am and gets my step-dad up and going as well as drives him to see my mother and takes him back to the house, she then goes and does what she needs to do before going to sit with another elderly person until about 11pm.

My mother can neither stand up nor walk and has not worked with PT to get there now for 3 years. Her memory is horrible. She often does not know where she is and even when you mention what season of the year it is, she will often go into a conversation as if she is in another season of the year totally. She can't go to the bathroom by herself nor bathe herself. If it were not for the nurses, she would not take her meds or not take them on time. I've noticed that often she can barely feed herself.

My step-dad thinks all of this decline is because she is in the nursing home and that her head would clear up and she would walk once again if she just came home, but I'm the mean person. They call me on the phone saying she asks to go home when they leave, but can't satisfy her and so will I talk with her. Then when I do talk with her I find out that they told her that I have the authority to get her out of there and so the first thing she says is when are you coming to get me. Now they set up the expectation in her head that I was getting her out of there and then I had to explain that no it is up to the doctor who I plan to see Friday after lunch for that is when he makes his weekly rounds there.

Plus, let me add that my mom and step-dad have not been that close over the years. She never accepted his children. When I graduated from college, she left for the beach house and hardly ever went home until her first seizier sent her back home for good. My step-dad drank more when she was gone and someone asked her then why doesn't she stay home and did she love him? Never heard the answer. I do know that they had quite interesting arguments in front of my wife and I, even when we had the children with us. BTW, my step-dad has not paid a dime for her care that she's been in need of from 2009 on. He knows she has a lot of money in the bank and that is what is paying for the costs that the long term insurance does not cover. He hates the insurance too and feels like it is holding her like a prisoner in the nursing home. Yes, I'm anxious and my wife getting all drama about it over and over and over again for days has not helped. I don't need her cranking my anxiety up with her drama. I need her support. I've even said that I've heard enough of this and your going over and over this and all the possible things that could happen for days now does not help and I will know something definitely on Friday. But no, she has to keep right on being Mrs. drama rehashing everything plus all that her mother went through with her mother and siblings who did some underhanded things. Thus, I sleep as late as possible in the am and then at night come out here to my Man Cave for some peace and quiet. If the doctor says she can go home, fine but it will be up to my step-dad and his helper to figure out all of the practical details and tend to them without leaving my mom abandoned like she does my step-dad for I don't live there and am disabled myself and so is my wife. I don't think they realize what they want to get themselves into and I don't think my mother would last long at all. Who knows, maybe she wants to go home so that she can die in her own bed which the helper is sleeping in right now.

Cmagnum: Are you concerned that a nursing home doctor would consider releasing your mom to go home? Maybe you are a bit anxious too. Maybe you should have a talk with the nursing home doc. It sounds like you are taking your boundaries a little too far. I am thinking that you believe that your mom is not capable of living outside of a nursing home due to the extensive care she needs. Now you have an 86 year old step dad that misses her and has a care giver that relates to his grief.

I think that, as a well grounded person, you should talk to the nursing home doc, remind him/her of the documents and trust that has been given to you and at least suggest that a move would not be in your mom's best interest.

If the doc decides otherwise, then I understand your position that you will not over rule it and will let the chips fall where they may. Eventually, however, you will need to do everything over again, put your mom back in the nursing home and possibly your step dad too, but it is your choice, do it now or do it later, or don't do it at all.

Do you think that your step dad's care giver honestly feels that your step dad is correct or possibly she just wants more hours and income which will result from her having both of them at home?

I am not talking about you having a discussion with your mom or her husband. I am just suggesting that you bring your intelligence to the attention of the nursing home doc. That's all you can do.

Margeaux, thanks for your response. Yes, the old broken record response. Even it gets a bit worn out and stressful to do. I'm glad you are staying strong. My wife is very worried over what my step-dad might try like convincing my mother to have me removed has her POA. Even if he tries this, it has little chance of working because I have two notarized letters from her neurologist and another doctor that she is incompetent to deal with her own business in a business like manner due to her dementia and alzheimers. Even if I do have the authority to over ride the doctor, I am not going to do that. I have a list of reasons why, but I don't think my step-dad or his helper is going to listen to reason. Does anyone know if either medical or durable POA trump a nursing home doctor's opinion about a resident being released.

well family drama is non existent on both sides lol and can ya believe it I miss my domineering sister with her big mouth and I can't begin to tell ya what its like to almost deal with my husband's family...yet they still expect me to pick up the phone but overall they do not care still since they disowned him long while back. still tick at how the kids are treating their own mother...what form of narcissim runs there...but if they do not want my help or advice gladly give them the heave ho and let them battle it out with my husband's sister. The woman needs help but the level of misunderstanding and pure bollocks is crazy. today tho ended on a good note with the cardio so i am gonna let that be my good news ...especially with my bff coming to live this way in the middle of nowhere. I am so excited yet worried new batch of problems may crop up because of her bipolar/add/adhd/epilepsy so pls keep ur fingers crossed and pray on that because she is a wonderful woman tho sometimes she can't focus all but she does her best...yet I feel that i am her keystone and her husband is her heart and life...enough rambling hope everyone gets to enjoy something of a nice wknd here soon...

Hi Willow, How are you? We totally understand, if you can't get to your computer on account of pain you are in. I too have been having some back and shoulder pain myself. You know, I've learned that it's very important to stay hydrated. But also, try having a couple tablespoon fulls of olive oil. This is great to oil & lubricate the body. Another easy thing I use to get the circulation going, is boil some hot water, and add a pinch of cayenne w/some lemon, this you can flavor w/honey. This w/increase the circulation throughout your body too. I use this method for any kind of arthritic issues. If I think of any other quick and real easy things that could possibly help you out w/your pain, I'll send it along. Lots of love, & I visualize warmth all over you! Margeaux

Well, I'd posted about a week and half ago, that my sister, had become also all swept up into our brothers Prostate issue. It's a recurring situation for him. He lives w/his wife, who just seems to live there, doesn't relate to him much. Then there are there four grown kids, also still living w/their parents. When my sister got this news, she took it upon herself to get completely involved, via appts., w/my brother.
She said she was doing this, because of the near to non-existent relationship she and my brother have between the two of them. We are very thankful that his biopsy came back negative. But today he had a procedure to open the blocked area. Throughout all of this, my sister tried to push some guilt buttons w/me. I've called my brother and given moral support. But I don't feel I need to get involved as my sister has chosen to do. I couldn't believe it, sister went so far as to call up one of my brother's doctors and pose as his wife to get some info. from the doctor. Anyway, Cmagnum, if you read this...so this has where I've become the broken record w/my sister and just telling her what I'm able to do in this circumstance. But I'm staying real strong on this one! Margeaux

Cmagnum, Oh boy! Isn't it just wonderful when there's an over zealous caregiver in the mix like this one who spends the night with your dad? We had one who was sent by Hospice, (the bather) for my narcissistic aunt. She came about twice. The first time she did her duty, but also got swept up into our aunt's need to bad mouth my sister, and the other caregivers to her. This person went so far as to call the head of the Hospice, to snitch about what my aunt was telling her. Truth was as always, my aunt was plain out lying to her. Nothing worse than having these kinds of people working w/our elders. Well, all I can say is stand your ground. Sounds as if your wife is getting kind of nervous about it, but still stand your ground. You know what's up w/the whole thing Cmagnum. I've had to resort to a broken record approach in my situation w/my sister. Sometimes it's not easy, especially when someone wants to keep talking about it also. Stay strong.
Margeaux

Hi, the latest dysfunctional family dynamic is coming from my step-dad who is 86, in poor health with an unclear mind and a helper who spends the night in order to keep an eye on him, plus takes him to see my mother at the rest home in the morning. They just don't understand how poor her health is. He thinks if she just comes home, her head will clear up. He and his helper are now playing the end around game of trying to turn my mother against me by telling her that I am the one keeping her from going home and not the doctor which is what has been said to her earlier by the nursing home staff. I've talked with her on the phone that her getting out is up to the doctor, not me, but how long that will stay in her mind who knows. Even if I could legally over ride the doctor's opinion with my POAs, the idea of her going home in the shape she is in is not feasible, practical nor reasonable! My wife is more wound up about this than I am for she keeps wanting to talk about it and what kind of strategies we could take which she says the same thing, the same way, every day for the last several days. I've told her what the nursing home staff has said to my mother with my step-dad right there and I am going to stand by that instead of getting triangulated into the middle of this mess. All I really need to do is practice the broken record approach of saying the same thing over and over again without becoming reactionary or letting them see me swet.

Hi Everyone! Sorry I've not been online and in touch too much lately. I want to make more of an effort to come here to AGC.com, especially to talk to others who come from and are dealing with very dysfunctional families. As for getting Assistance, I honestly have tried Everything! The Dept. of Public Assistance absolutely refuses to help me in any way at all now that I have SSDI. I don't make near enough money to get a place of my own. I also can't get a job, even a part time job on the side b/c 1. I would lose my Disability, and 2. I have SO MUCH physical pain 24/7/365 for the past 12 years, that I'm hardly able to get out of bed, take a shower, etc... Still, I'm expected to do the laundry, which seems never ending, and take care of SO much other stuff around the house, in addition to the INTENSE Stress and anxiety of trying to remain kind in the presence of my mom and s-dad. My s-dad used to at least take the dog out to do his 'business' if I was sleeping, but now just ignores the dog. My s-dad spends most of the entire day on the couch, basically ignoring everyone. My mom sits at the kitchen table ALL day, EVERY day, chain smoking and drinking Diet Coke. That's her entire life! She complains about not having enough money to pay bills and worries about everything and anything. I think she's just addicted to worrying! She won't take care of her health, physically or emotionally. I had Meals on Wheel's for them, but my mom cancelled them b/c "they didn't like the food"! At least it was some sort of help for them! I'm in a severe depression, to the point where I pray to die. I'm not suicidal, but if it weren't for my strong faith, I would be afraid I'd try to end this suffering! I'm having daily, frequent panic attacks and other than doing what I absolutely must to do for them, I stay in my room and hide. I get very anxious when I know I have to go out to be with my mom and/or s-dad b/c Everytime I go out into the house, there's something for me to do. My s-dad doesn't say much at all to me, which is just fine. My mom knows I have severe pain b/c she see's me crying, bent over, sweating and sick to my stomach with pain. Still, I'm expected to do all that I can, and all that I can't, to keep them in their home. If I could get a PT job to gain some extra income to put away for a place of my own, I would, but the pain I have is crippling and disabling. I don't eat b/c I have trouble being in the kitchen with them b/c if I go out of my room, I'm going to be asked to do something, and I just have too much anxiety to be in the kitchen b/c of the dysfunction, tension, etc... I've been mostly living on crackers that I can eat in my room. I have too much pain to stand at the stove to make even something simple, and the depression and anxiety takes over and I can't eat anyway. I stay in my room as much as possible and try to sleep my life away. It's the only escape I have. If my mom would fall and break a hip, she would have to go into a NH! I've already told her that if she can't walk, I cannot lift her or take care of her. Still, she doesn't want to try and even walk around the house to get stronger and won't doctor for her increasing weakness and the severe pain she's in b/c of Osteoporosis, in which I'm certain that she has spinal fractures b/c of that. She has a defibrillator implant, and does get PVC's and says her heartbeat is 'irregular' at times. She's consumed with her bowels, and then she'll take so many laxatives that she gets diarrhea, and then her potassium gets so low that her heart goes out of rhythm. She says that her Vertigo is so bad and that's why she won't try to walk. I've tried everything to encourage her to get help, but what I say just angers her. My s-dad goes to bed at 10pm everynight and my mom expects me to sit with her from 10-11pm, everynight. I get tired and just want to sleep, but the guilt overwhelms me. Then I start to think about all of the "what if's"... What if something would happen to her tonight, and I had refused to sit with her the night before? I know I'd feel so bad. Yet my mom hardly says a word to me anyway. I need to sit in my designated chair and it hurts my back SO bad. My pain doesn't seem to matter. I'd love to be able to come here to AGC.com a lot more often, but the pain prevents me from getting on the computer as much as I'd like to. In all honesty, you guys/gals are all I have and the only ppl who understand what this caregiving s**t is like. I feel like a prisoner or a hostage. I have NO life of my own. I do love my mom. I just don't want to be the caretaker anymore!!! At this point, I don't even feel guilty saying that. I'm worn out physically and emotionally, and feel extremely defeated and trapped. I know anyone here can understand that. I can't tell you all how much I appreciate your posts, words of understanding and encouragement and friendship! If I don't answer a post right away, it's not that I'm not reading what all of you have written. I use my cell phone to get on this site to read the posts, but am not able to answer with my cell phone. With the cellphone, I can get online while laying down on my heating pad or some ice. I pray for help. I need all of you and thank all of you SO SO much!!!!!
Much love!
Kathy

Yes we all live in the same town. Mom has vas dementia. She lives in her own home, at least for now.

Hi Willow, yes you are really in a spot right now. Izzabella is right, you have come to a great place for support from all of us. This thread has helped me very much.
I don't know what being in the situation like yourself must be like. But Izzabella also has given you great advice about the doctor's. When we had a very difficult elderly aunt who was verbally and emotionally abusive to many in charge of her, I used to advise my sister to be more in touch w/her doctor's, and unfortunately my sister became too sucked into the emotional side of it and didn't use these kinds of tools. Things became unbearable up until the time of her death very recently. But possibly if you do this, you could also be hooked up with Department of Social Services, and maybe they could help you also. Try to do some searches also, with info about seniors and aging in your area. At least if you begin to find services that could assist you, you never know, you could find help. The important thing is also, is not to think of this as a situation of that you needed a place to stay. No matter what, these two elders sound as if they really need you. But even in this scenario, please seek some help also for yourself. I too understand about your dogs. I have two doves. Our pets are our little spiritual partners to us, and no less in times like these. It's good that you have them.
O.K., well I send you lots of love & light, and a great big hug! Margeaux

Brandywine: I'm sorry there's so much difficulty between you and your sister. Do you all live in the same town? What's wrong with your mom and does she live with your sister? Hugs to you, Cattails

Cat, thank you for your kind words. I have written to her and she wrote back and said "its always about you isn't it." She thinks she has all the answers.

Brandywine: I checked your profile, but it says nothing about your circumstances. I'm just wondering. Is it possible for you to write your sister a letter and tell her how you feel. If you told her how much it would mean to you to be included in her life and the holidays, do you think she might understand it better? I have no idea what the problems are, but your last comment was so heartfelt. It would be impossible for me to not be touched if my sister expressed that to me. Even if she does not respond the way you want, at least you would know that you spelled it out in a kind fashion and let her know how much you miss being included.

Just a thought. Love, Cattails.

I would be much more cooperative with my sister towards my mother if sister would include me in her holidays. I don't want money, I want someone to have the holidays with. This is the way it is, I invite mom to go to the restaurant with me or to a brunch or to my house for a brunch. Mom says she will, then literally 5 min before we are to go, mom calls me and says she is going with my sister. Sister will absolutely not invite me to her parties or to the restaurant with her. I could go and be at the same rest. and see her and she wouldn't even invite me over to her table or even wave across the room. She has had mom every holiday for the last 5 years and husband and I have been alone all those holidays. Our kids live far away and friends have other places to go. But then when sister wants something, I am to jump and ask how high. Then if I won't do what she wants, she says I am uncooperative, probably posts it on here.

Willow: You are on SSDI, so if you take a job will your SSDI be revoked? Can you make a certain amount without losing your SSDI. How much of an income do you have? Sweetheart, you have to do something. You are living in a house of cards. There has to be a way for you, your dog and cat to have some peace and safety. Can you answer the questions and let us see if we can find a way to help you. Love, Cattails.

Willow, your situation is difficult. I agree with the suggestions already given. Going to church and getting established in a church family will be a step in the right direction. You need to expand your world because the more people you have contact with the better you will feel about yourself. Coming to this site also helps as you have found out. Can you get medical thru the state? What income to you have? I ask because in California, people can get reduced housing rent thru a program called HUD. I work with a woman who gets this. It applies to apartments as well. The woman I work with has 2 kids at home and she only get 24 hours a week like I do and she is able to rent a 3bd home. You may only need an apartment for yourself. I encourage you to look into it. You deserve better♥!!

Willow-- This site has helped me through some very difficult days.. so please know that everyone on here is now your "Friends".. Therefore you are know longer in this alone with no friends.. And although we are not there close to you to help you physically we all are here to help you emotionally.. And even though emotional support does not offer all the answers it saves us all from feeling complete despair.. you can turn to us everyday all day if need be..

Willow-- I so understand your feelings towards your dog.. I have more then one! And Ive often said "I like my dogs much better then most people I come across"!! .. I know it is on mind if you were to find a shelter of some sort they may not welcome your dog also.. But I know some of them do.. Please look into ones in your area.. you cannot live like this anymore.. this way of living is beyond stressful.. its horrible for people who are suppose to love you to treat you like this.. I know your health is not very good.. but stress also plays a part on how you are feeling.. how can you feel good on any level living in this Hell? This is just an idea-- But I would privately call your parents primary Dr.. I would tell him the situation.. Especially if there is a danger of your mother falling.. And then I would explain to the Dr that your S-dad is a threat to you and quite possibly other women because of his sick twisted way of treating you.. Bottem Line Willow.. Its time to fight.. for you!!.. Their primary will have to offer you some help.. you were a nurse (as I was) the Dr cannot by law turn his back on the saftey matters you will bring to his attention regarding your parents..

This all may sound really "mean" but really its not.. You cannot sit back and allow your s-dad to treat you this way.. and you cannot leave it up to your mother if and when she wants to involve outside help.. Can you imagine what your life will be if your mother does break a hip?? And since she would refuse a NH that will be up to you to take care of her.. and even if she did go into a NH as you said you cannot be alone w/your s-dad.. You need to let someone know of this entire situation and I would begin with their primary Dr.. He may get things going.. You have to start somewhere.. I dont see this all getting better.. it will get worse if you leave it in their hands.. and if God does reach his hand out and they both get placed somewhere.. you will not have to leave that house right away.. meaning in the meantime you can figure out plan B-- Right now take one day at a time and make that phone call.. Remember you have all of us here praying for you!!

Willow I am so sorry about your life-are there any shelters you could go to -your parents sound horrible I would not even try to help them-could you rent a room in someones home or care for someone in exchange for room and board-you do not deserve the treatment your parents are giving you could you call social service and tell them what is going on and have them deal with your parents and ask them what they can do to help you-I am worried about you and want to help.

Well said, Burned.

You may be their sole caregiver but based on ur age even with medicare you should qualify for state medicaid as supplement because my husband has both. I say when they are both grouchy i suggest u just go for a walk ...Get out and breathe...take your dog for a walk...even if they are sound mind refusing to see a doctor is a sign of them not willing to take the right approach to their healthcare. YOU can do this...think about going to church again even if they won't you owe urself that much and are they paying you to be ur aide. I live in Az they pay me to be his aide...since ur are or will be the survivor each of you should get something after u apply for survivorship benefits. Do not trap urself its not healthy and since they think they can take care of themselves then maybe you can find part time job to help you escape the drama. I have sister with a dominance issue and a brother that wont talk to me and a half sister who i barely know since she graduated college. I know dysfunction some of can be within the norm and some totally asshole wrong way. Seek help and give urself mental breaks...you can do it...you need to do it...prayers to you:)

Willow: I'm so sorry to hear your circumstances. WTF is wrong with this country when someone who has been a nurse for 26 years can't get health care. Listen, Willow, you don't have to explain to me about your dog or cat. I understand completely. I love my dogs. We lost one of our 3 dogs just before we brought my dad home from the NH. She was my love and it happened so fast that she was gone in a day. I still miss her everyday. I don't know what to suggest to you. Just sending my love. Cattails.

Hi Cattails :) Thanks so much for all of your support and suggestions. I'm on Disabilty and get SSDI. I was a nurse for over 26 years and always worked FT + usually a PT job on the side since I wasn't married or able to have children. Therefore, I make just over 'too much' with my SSDI to qualify for ANY Assistance. I've tried and tried and tried! I do have Medicare, but it doesn't pay! It's mostly useless to have it. I've called a few Psychiatrist/Counselling offices for an appt., and they've all refused me, telling me that they don't accept pts. who have "Medicare only" b/c it just doesn't pay. I can't afford a secondary insurance supplement. A group home really isn't an option for me either b/c I have a dog (who is my world!) and a cat who I love dearly too. I've had so much loss and I just couldn't bear losing them too. I'm not staying with my mom and s-dad b/c of possibly getting their house if/when something happens to them. I am an only child, but have 2 step-sisters. I used to be the sole heir in their Wills, but when my dad died (who I was REALLY close to), I moved from their house to Seattle to live with my half-sister for a while b/c my s-father was drinking and got very violent toward me for wanted to move. This angered my mom and s-dad so much so that they got rid of all of my belongings that were stored in their garage and changed their Wills. Now anything they have is to be split equally btw me and the 2 s-sisters. They also have a Reverse Mtg, so most of the house money will go to the Rev. Mtg. Co. The house will need to be sold and then what's left would have to be split 3 ways, leaving very little. Basically, I'm looking at being homeless if/when something would happen to my mom. I couldn't stay in this house alone with my s-dad if something would happen to my mom first. I have no other family, no boyfriend/husband and no children...and have no friends that would be able to let me stay with them for even a short time. At least I have my car...for now. I plan to do everything I can to keep my dog! I guess that sounds silly, but my pets are all I have that keep me sane. Another problem my mom just made me aware of a couple of days ago is that she's having major pain in her right groin, where she has a stent for PAD. She said the pain is so bad she feels her leg will give out and she'll fall. I asked her to please call her Vascular dr., and she refuses. She got angry with me, telling me that "that's why she doesn't tell me anything, b/c I'd ask her to go to her dr. and get checked." I'm hoping the stent couldn't break loose, and act like a blood clot that could go to her heart. I'm not s/p to care? Everything is so stressful here. I walk on eggshells all of the time. I've talked to my mom about them moving into an Assisted Living apartment, but she won't hear of it, and then I get in trouble for bringing "such a thing" up... I'm SO thankful for this group and everyone here! I really appreciate the encouragement, suggestions, support, friendship...
God Bless!
Kathy

Willow: Can you qualify for medicaid? Your not working, so income should not be an issue and you need medical assistance. Try to take that step to help yourself. Check into food stamps for yourself, whatever assistance you can get. Your goal is to get well. Maybe through this exploration, you can get into a support group that charges based on your income. There is help for people who want to do better and change their circumstances. Instead of approaching this from a perspective of your parents needs, start looking at it as it applies to your needs.

If your parents are reasonably sound mentally, then just focus on saving yourself. It's not ideal, but you do have a roof over your head. The more you focus on saving yourself, the more you may get to a point where you can leave their home.

Maybe you can find a group home to move into eventually that will help you get back into the mainstream. Don't give up on yourself. Don't think your life is over and you must continue to live in a dysfunctional family situation. Your parents have made their bones and are comfortable living the way they have always lived. You can't change that.

How long have you been living with them? Maybe you think that if you can hang in there for several years and they have to go into a nursing home, the house will become yours. That's a possibility, but you must measure the pros and cons. You can still take the steps I have mentioned. Take steps to help yourself. Best wishes, Cattails.

Thank you so much for your post! I've tried working wtih the Office of Aging and I do go to therapy when I can afford it. I'm basically un-insured so I can't get medical or emotional care for myself. My mom and s-dad both are mostly mentally sound and it's their house, so I can't make them accept any help or get evaluated. It's such a bad situation. I'm really scared b/c I'm exhausted and don't have anyone to see how bad the situation is here except me. No one visits them. I don't blame them. I just need help in a bad way.

Omg that sounds rough...maybe u should get a mental eval done on both of them and see if their insurance can send a respite caregiver so u can get a break. You need one but my situation is different.. I look after my husband and raise 2 kids. Yes the depression can get ya and if you have insurance seek therapy before u do harm to urself or them by accident which I doubt. Call the local council on aging and also call social services to see if they can make headway with ur stepdad. NH may be better for them both after u can see what they have and get some advice. You have done enough but sometimes it can break the limit...seek help before you go insane...Praying for you

Hi All. I'm having a horrible time coping with being the sole caregiver for my mother and s-father. My s-dad and I have never gotten along. My mom and him are married for 43 years now. I'm on disability b/c of chronic pain, yet they don't seem to understand that. My s-dad is very sexually/verbally abusive to any woman that comes into their house, and out of the house also. He's always been sexually inappropriate toward me until I blew up and told him I would not take any more of it from him! I try to keep the peace. My mom sees and hears it all, but does nothing. My mom is getting more weak, has a lot of trouble walking b/c of vertigo, weakness (that she won't do anything to try and get stronger)... I'm so frustrated! I've gotten to the point where I'm so depressed now and having frequent panic attacks b/c of the situation I find myself in. I feel there's no way out and my middle aged years are passing me by b/c I cannot have any friends come into the house, cannot date b/c no one else is here to care for the parents, etc... I certainly cannot bring any other female into the house b/c of my s-dad's very bad behavior. I can't handle being the sole caregiver anymore, but have no choice. They refuse any outside help. I'm living wtih them only b/c I lost my home and everything else when I got sick with multiple chronic pain conditions and musculo-skeletal problems. I don't know what to do and am am SO down and feel so alone. Any friendship, would help greatly. Also, just hearing what others are going through helps too. I know many others have things much worse.
Thanks,
Kathy

Well, I had one week. I'd written about my brothers recurring Prostate issue, of which he had to go get a biopsy for beginning of the week. My sister (Ms. Fixit), had called to tell me about it over a week ago. This is the brother who has a real
dysfunctional family. He & wife live together, but communication is zilch. They're adult children still live w/them. A few of them have their own kids now, and seem to be bringing them home to my brother's house.

So my sister took it upon herself that she was to go and have a talk w/brothers kid's; since they don't appear to be the concerned nor accomodating types. Up until now, they've been the takers. Well, Ms. Fixit did just that, and discovered that his kids weren't aware about what's going on w/our brother. So the oldest of the sons showed concern and said he'd go to the next appt. w/ him. GREAT! My sister then informs me, that she's going to take the day off from work and go w/them.
I stayed silent on the other end of the line at hearing this! I then, asked her......whether she's asked my brother: a) is your wife going? b) would you like me to go w/you & your son? Assume, assume, assume! Anyway, as I posed these ideas to her, I could tell definitely she didn't like it. I admit, it did take some courage on my part. My relationship w/my sister has been one of dominance, I realize. Many times, yes I admit... to keep the peace, I've said nothing. But this is getting OLD!!!!!!!! Later, low and behold, I find out that wife is going to the next appointment w/her husband. WOW, I was so glad to hear that! All I can say about my sister, is that she's a complete boundary crosser to the umpteenth degree. Now remember, she's living w/mom w/ALZ. My friends who I confide in, all tell me, that she's behaving like a complete nut! I realize she thrives on drama. O.K., enough! But I feel good that I didn't allow myself to be drawn into the continuing dysfunction. I read & reread Emjo's post, "Letting Go." Thanks again, Margeaux

Austing, 195, How are you?
You are always so supportive of people here.
I was trying to go back and read more about your story, I guess it's way in the beginning of the posts. But I do know we have some family issues in common.

Hope you're well! Hugs, Margeaux