The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

I had a picnic for my club a my house this weekend. Dad was a part of it. I was cleaning up and my wife was helping in the kitchen. He made one trip in the kitchen. I am on my way out and I hear the comment he made to her. "So where is your black and white maids outfit"...... she calmly said "that is not funny, nor is it appreciated, I am not a maid and you will not say that again". He thought it was funny, he says stupid things like that. When we were traveling 7 hours to help him after mom died and we both were cleaning the house he said to someone on the phone "Oh my maid is here"... took days to peel her off the ceiling. Or when his friend goes out of the way to pick him up "my chauffeur is here"... or he calls me "chef". I have told him many times these comments are rude and offensive to the very people who are helping him.
I get tired of his comments. It is hard when it is my house and I cannot just leave. He thinks he is being funny, nope... still not funny.

Big hugs, Golden. “Complicated grief,” indeed. There’s no antidote. Just ride the wave. And throw in a little self-care - no matter how little!

Golden, I sympathize. I had a bad day today missing my mom as well. I miss my mom's company. When I was out somewhere or whatever I may have been doing I used to look so forward to our little get together's we had when she was still hale and hearty.

Sometimes I still get this sense of anticipation and then I remember and get this letdown kind of feeling right afterward. It's like reality comes crashing down.

I hope your tomorrow is better Golden.

The grief just comes some days like an ocean and it swallows you Golden.
Everything will be going along ok and then I'll think of something Mother said or did or I'll come across a note or see a project she had meant to finish or a million other things and it will blow me away for the rest of that day and it's hard to accomplish anything....
I'm really sorry youv''e had a hard day.Get some good rest tonight ~
Many {{{hugs}}}

Golden- sorry for the rough day, keeping you in my prayers.

It is six months since mother passed. I am grieving today, but not for her, as such, but for the destruction over the years. Really for myself and the hardship it has been. I have unanswerable questions. "Why me?" What if...? Should I .have...? and so on.

My legs and head ache, which is not that unusual. Would they if...?

As I said - unanswerable questions. Another day to get through and hope to do a little something productive.

I think the winter was too hard on my Engleman's Ivy on the trellis edging the northeast side of the front deck. I have just given it another liberal watering hoping it will bring signs of life. (I don't give up easily.) If not another choore is added to my list - that of pulling down the dead vine and disposing of it. One of the three new roses survived the winter and it is looking healthy.

We have sun today and no smoke from the fires which are abating. There is much to be thankful for.

Hi all! I seeing my growth in this situation with my mother and her care and being the outcast.

I am tired of second guessing my self and that is possibly a defense mechanism so I wont have to face something or programmed in me for blame and shame and guilt. The main weapons of a narcissist.

Anyways I will be going for the abdominal study the end of the week. Hopefully have this mass removed find out whats going on with the inside. I saw commercial about claritin d extended for the sinus pain. I tried it and it helped. I had to nights free of pain, took that and my reular meds. I will be getting annual pysical through the wtc program soon and from there get referrals about any and everything under the sun. So I will revist the specialist make request and hopeful resolve somethings. Hopefully sinus is not bad enough problem for surgery.

The hip and knee pain, I guess is my knew persona. I believe I have an injured ligament or tendon somewhere in groin are which give me intermittant pain. I mean its hard to turn around in bed or walk sometimes.

Okay so, APS came again Friday. Saturday got letter stating that my mother has a case with them with an option and form to appeal. That wont happen. Mr. G says he had not spoken with twisted, he didnt have number. I called my Aunt (my mothers baby sis who is same age as my sister 2 years younger than me.) for number and gave it to him expressing to please try and contact her so there are no technical difficulties when we go to court. He says the process takes about two months its long, and an expense on the city. That it would be goood if we all cooperated. I am counting on twisted to do her norm and not cooperated. He sat we will get subpoena to court where judge will appoint some outside ageny to be guardian or my mothers care and affairs. My goodness , its needed.

Meanwhile my mother is staying on that top floor. Barely comes down. Today before I left for work I went up to feed her and she was in my sisters room. I called her she didnt answer, I ask twisted if she was in there she didnt answer then I heard my mother say something low. She ignored me a lot yestrday as I fed her it was like it was obvious. I think my twisted is telling her I am trying to put her away. That is the sentiment she fed them and which feeds this whole situation an a sense. I told my sister in a not to nice way that she needs to make sure she eat and maybe call her son to help her bathe her. I told her she was spiteful and her motiveation to do anything for my mother is always based on something against me. Told her this acutally helped me. That as long as my mother was okay I was good. Now I hope she does not use this tactic to very often. I could have called police on her.Refusing to open the door to let me see and feed my mother. I dont want to interfer with karma and God's Work so I pray I dont lose my temper in the mist of her retaliatory schemes.

Other wise I still struggle inside an out with this situation. I stay in prayer. I havent gone into a funk for a good minute now.

Rays of light and love and blessings, on us all.

Ali I am happy in a special way that you have outgrown the forum. You input was always very helpful and insightful and it always amazed me how the things you express so well were similar to my own thoughts.

Reasons, seasons. Thank you for sharing and helping.

I can guarantee you that whenever you stop in and Im around I will be glad to "see" you.

Book, the same sentiment, to you. You are one of my icons and your wisdom and goodness came through to me and touched my heart and my life significantly. So those drop ins even in rare I am sure are helping in some way for someone.

I think there is a reason certain ones of you are here, your spirit, experience and pain and goodness come together profoundly in a special way and touch live. I think its a gift from the higher power. This forum was a life line for me. Sometimes it wears on me to read and hear similar pain, sometimes it helps, sometimes its awesome to see the same "magic" that helped me at work. Some times I see myself and most times I know that its hard to move on past things that is obvious untill you can process and understand. I didnt know I was clueless and in denial about my family dysfunction and the ugly within. Or I wondered how a defense mechanism made me blind and how input from her helped me find see truth and it came in a way that I could handle it. It didnt kill me but it broke my heart for a minute and I still heal.


Thank you AgingCare, all of you.

Hi ABB, I hope I don't sound like a hypocrite here (being that I Rarely post or read here on AC now.) I just wanted to thank you sooooo very much years ago when I went through some tough times. This Dys thread has always been a difficult place for me to read. But it's a favorite place for most of those I follow - so I do drop by and read.

It's a given that sooner or later, regular posters will slowly dwindle from AC, when the time comes. Your time has come. Go and enjoy your new life - before something comes up and tries to pull you down. Make some new happy memories. Go for it!!! {{{{{ HUGS }}}}

Hey there, all of you...

I've decided to be more absent from AC. It's not like I need to announce it or anything, but I also know what it is to worry (it's what caregivers do! lol) and wonder how someone is doing.

I'm doing FINE... very good, even. I think it's time to move away from daily/weekly AC use and focus on this stage of my life. I'll come back around if something happens... i.e., I'm dreading the day my father dies and I can't think he'll live all that much longer as COPD is progressive and he hasn't stopped smoking...

But short of a crisis, I'm living a different life now, and my attention is focused in other places.

I get a little teary trying to figure out how to say a "see ya later, thank you more than I can say" in a way that honors each of you, in the way I'd like to honor you, so I'll mostly skip it. :-)

Leave a message on my Profile if anyone would like an email address, or a Facebook link. (My Facebook is mostly used for socializing with my circle of often-irreverent music-related friends, but you can always Unfollow and still have a way to stay in touch.)

Gershun, you've summed up DYS thread, and the experience of posters here, pretty well I think with this: "It's sad for me to have come to the conclusion that no family contact is necessary for me. I always held on to hope that it could and should be different."

I think everyone who uses DYS as their primary AC thread/contact feels this way. I know I feel this way. At some point, it doesn't matter why, or who's fault, or any kind of score keeping. You just need to live YOUR life, and survive, and hopefully thrive at times, and when a relationship with family (or anyone) is keeping you from doing that then it's time to cut that contact back to a minimum, or whatever makes sense for your individual situation.

That is it in a nutshell I feel, what everyone here has had to feel, this grieving and/or anger of a loss even while people are still alive, while you want and wish for something different that you're not in control of. You can control your actions and your behavior, and that's it.

Anywho. I'm sure I'll check back in in the next day or two just to further (((((hug))))) it out with you guys....

I feel kind of silly, there's no need to make an announcement, I just realize this is the direction I'm heading in this year. I'm making a big mental break from what I experienced as a caregiver, and heading in a different fun and in-the-moment direction. I think it's a very good step for me, as I get further away from any daily anxiety disorder affecting my life, and I feel more confident than I've felt in years. Who knows what the future brings but for now, AC isn't part of my daily Life. :-)

Cheers!! Love y'all more than I can say. REALLY. Which is why I won't try to say. :-D Take care, you guys.

La Bunny please get her some help - my mom is currently in hospital with infection and she was acted very vacant and would not open her eyes.

My question is what do I do about my brother, who wants to appear so popular, that he has not told people he knows that my mother is to only have family visitors? She is taking her clothes off sometimes and would be mortified to know that a practical stranger was seeing her that way. I am from a dysfunctional family and am POA, much to brother's chagrin. In the past, he has called law enforcement on me, told doctors that I was not giving parent medicine, etc. You get the idea.... This is adding to my stress at dealing with the hospital situation.

Welcome L,

It sounds like you're in a tough spot, but your grandma needs help. Yes, it may be a UTI, which can be treated with a course of antibiotics but if it is a UTI and left untreated, it can get much worse and lead to serious problems - since gma has a history of neuro problems, please do your best to get her help - even if you must call 911 to have her taken to the ER

Bunny, you can always post your own question. That may get more attention.

Grandma may have a UTI which is treatable. Those behaviors sound like what this may be.

You could try picking up a test kit at the drug store. They are not always accurate, but if it is positive a good reason to get grandma to the doc, if not allowed by step mom, you take her anyway. She needs to see one whenever there is a drastic, sudden change in behavior.

I am supposed to be working with my step grandmother today, as I usually do on Thursday. This is typically a 12 hour day for me.

Today, though, I am not working because her daughter, my stepmom, has thrown a fit and won't 'let' me work.

My grandma is blind, on oxygen, and has several other health issues. In the last 2 weeks, however, her mental state has deteriorated significantly. Within the last few days, she is barely able to walk, or keep her head up. She has frequently been found in unsafe positions (like standing up on a couch), and has been talking to people and reaching for things that are not there. I have noticed she sometimes has a hard time finding her mouth to eat or drink, and she has left meals put before her almost untouched. She mumbles incoherently, and has had incontinence to the point where she wets herself numerous times a day. All of this is NOT NORMAL behavior for her.

And yet, my stepmom won't allow me to take her to a doctor, or urgent care, or anything. She says I am being 'neurotic' and that I need to calm down. Keep in mind that my stepmom has dealt with her own health struggles. Many of them. But I believe that because she has her own experiences with medical issues, she somehow thinks she is in a place to say whether or not my grandma needs to see a doctor. Almost like she is diagnosing her. While I have my own ideas about what may be going on with my grandma, I am clear on the fact that NEITHER of us are medical professionals, and I just don't see the harm in taking my grandma in to see someone.

Unfortunately, when I suggest this, I am met with screaming from my stepmom. I don't wanna upset my grandma with our fighting so I've chosen to just leave it alone.

But I don't feel good about it. At all.

There could be something very simple going on with my grandma...and then it could be something serious.

I just need to vent. Part of me feels like this is a situation that could very well involve APS, and I don't wanna go there. (Again.)

I just worry that, even if her symptoms don't worsen, that my grandma could get hurt physically by roaming around an unsafe area of the house, or by climbing up onto to something and falling. How she manages to get up onto things, is anyone's guess.

I feel helpless to be of help to my grandma due to my stepmom's need to control this situation (or whatever it is she is doing) and I fear the worst will happen.

Anybody have any suggestions for how I might deal with this situation please?

Golden23, thank you for this (needs to be reposted regularly)!

NOT MY JOB:
fix or save people
be liked
do it all
please everyone
hold it together

MY JOB
love people (and yourself)
be authentic (be true to yourself)
take the next step (don't try to control everything)
speak my truth (in love, but speak it)
breathe (give yourself some space, take time out)

Golden, hope you get to feeling better. Yes, stress definitely takes a toll for sure. I don't blame you for wanting to avoid contact with narc sis. Sounds like just being around her is stressful, particularly right now. Take care of you and take it easy.

Gershun, I will have to watch that documentary. It sounds interesting. I know what you mean about the no contact with family. I've learned more about the term "narcissistic mobbing" with my mom's side of the family than I ever wanted to know. It feels lonely at times having gone NC but it is also freeing in the sense of not having to deal with the drama and people that want to put me down and make me feel guilty for pretty much everything, even existing. Life is too short to allow the negativity to steal your peace.

Girlsaylor, I hope your new internist can help. It really stinks that your doctor put you in that position.

Duck, hopefully APS will get on the ball. It is a lengthy process sometimes. The attorney may be able to help too as far as getting a state guardian appointed for your mom. He/she might be able to talk to the APS caseworker.

It was nice of your son to send the shoes. It's very uplifting when we feel good about ourselves, that's for sure. Do something nice for you today :)

It's been busy here, with the baby being home. She got to come home a week after my birthday and a day before my husband's (we both have May birthdays), so it's been a good kind of busy for the most part, aside from the nasty messages from my oldest, which I still have not responded to, and won't. She's off her meds and very manic right now from what she sounds like, in addition to being mixed up and enmeshed with Narc relatives.

Also mom's estate stuff still ongoing, but attorney got the final accounting for the guardianship filed and the guardianship closed out, and just filed the petition for constructive trust in the estate, so we're hoping maybe we can get things wrapped up soon so the house can be sold and creditors and attorney bills paid.

It's been really hot and humid here, after a couple of weeks or so of record flooding. Dang mosquitoes are terrible too. Thankfully, we were not in the flood zone areas, but areas in surrounding towns were flooded pretty badly, and many homes and businesses under water. It is so crazy, we had all the flooding here, and I read in other areas about the fires due to drought. We need a better balance all around.

Hope all have a good day, the sun is out here so maybe will dry things out a little and help get rid of the mosquitoes.

It's sad for me to have come to the conclusion that no family contact is necessary for me. I always held on to hope that it could and should be different.

I haven't been to see my brother in the hospital recently due to my own health issues so I texted my other brother who has taken on (at my request)the main responsibility for this as I could see me getting the job again. Not happening! He gave me an update and I said I'd try to go see him on Sunday. As it turned out I was really not well and could not make it. I stated as much in an E-mail. He didn't even acknowledge it. Ask how I'm doing. Nothing!


I'm just so done with losing sleep over my family. The brother in hospital, yeah. The rest of them can .........you know.

Dh and I watched a documentary last night called "When the Screaming Stops" about a former English band made up of twin brothers who didn't always get along. One of the brothers said "If a friend spoke to me the way my brother does I'd cut them out of my life"

Good documentary. I'd highly recommend it if you get the chance. It's mostly about their family dynamics than the music. I found it very insightful.

Linda, glad you have found a solution. Hope it continues to work.

lizzy - thx. I thought it said it really well!

duck - sorry about your sinus pain. I know well how bad it can be. Do you have an infection? Hope APS shows up soon. Sounds like your place is in pretty bad shape. Keep working on yourself. Nice outfits help. 😊

girl - lots of problems with your meds. I hope you get someone good for an internist.

circle - here we are talking about abuse - sexual, emotional physical verbal type of abuse which has taken place since childhood - not just the problems of caregiving, though the abuse exacerbates those. While it is true no families are perfect, that does not necessarily put them in the same dysfunctional category as those with mentally ill family members. For myself, my mother was emotionally, and verbally abusive all my life. She was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder and was narcissistic. I still acted as POA financial and medical as she needed someone. It triggered PTSD in me from childhood abuse. If you haven't experienced it you won't understand it and I am happy for you that you did not experience it. Personally, I am glad that my sister was little involved as she has similar problems as our mother had and is abusive to me too,

cmag - yes, absolutely,

Hoping for more rain. Thankfully, the fire hazard has dropped. I am grieving for my niece in a fashion I recognize for other family members. Grief, if it is that, for mother is so different. My CFS/FM is acting up a bit more so I am not accomplishing much day by day - just limping along so to speak. This too will pass. My score on the stress scale is over the top with two family deaths in less that a year. It means the likelihood of getting ill in the next year is high. I have no intention of this happening. I suspect I will be dealing with CFS/FM flare-ups more than usual, whatever that is. Hopefully the melatonin will continue to be useful, though it is no panacea for sure.

I am even less likely to "do" the interment of mother's ashes with my sis after my niece's death. Seeing sis is even more stressful for me now. And the flare-ups make travelling more difficult. I will make arrangements that will work without me there, and we will see.

Take care all. Do something good for you - it helps.

Sometimes the dysfunction is toxic and that's much of what we deal with here.

Every single family has their issues that can put them in the category of having a dsyfunctional family. The weight of caregiving is the weight of caregiving. In the best of families.....the challenges are there. it is so important to remember that everyone handles challenges differently. I am a caregiver of my 88 year old mother. I remember early on how every stressful I was and how angry I was that my other siblings did not step up fully. I have one sister who is a trooper but the other three are awful....so I allow them to be awful and I do not give them a single thought. I keep my eyes and mind focused on the prize.... my mother. #circleoflife

If hugs to all here!
Today I called and left voicemail for the medical facility manager my internist is affiliated with. Requested the pain management referral yet again (5 weeks Thursday), and requested correct blood pressure medication prescription be called into my pharmacy, to replace the incorrect prescription. I don’t expect to hear back. At this point I am 15 days out from appointment with new internist. Since I have been abandoned, ignored by the doctor, her manager, her nurse, and the tech, I’ve decided to compile everything into date order, who I spoke with, dates, method of contact, response. It has become apparent I am going to run out of blood pressure and other medications before I can get into new internist, so I will have to ration some of my medications, documenting what I am forced to do to prevent heart attack or stroke.
Once I’ve seen the new internist, if all is good, I will file a formal complaint against current internist with the State Medical Board, for patient abandonment. I have received no notification the doctor will no longer see or treat me, so will be laying low. She won’t know what hit her when I file the complaint against her license.
I doubt I will take legal action, as doubtful it would be cost effective exercise for me. However, I’ve composed and posted three negative physician reviews on her online, thus far. All true, carefully written, concise, so that nothing can be misconstrued or misinterpreted. Less is more in public reviews, so that I don’t get backlash for the reviews. I also left another message on the patient portal. More documentation, creating my own audit trail. Hopefully they will let other people considering her know the truth, and spare others the pain, I’ll health, and emotional distress I have experienced. Stinks, but I so wish somebody had written the truth about this doctor. So sad anybody receives such poor treatment.

Other than that, just cooking, cleaning, doing laundry. Life goes on.

I think that water coming down spooked my mother because she was on top floor each morning after each down pour. When I am not frustrated or overwhelmed with things, I enjoy my mother and thats something I cant remember happening. Or its like when we did team work. Like cooking and fixing plates or something related to some or other affair she was involved in. Those were the rare time we just got along.

So the lady Ms. Queenie made me a birthday cake one year maybe 20 years ago pineagpple coconut cake from scratch. It bought tears to my eyes because I had not had a birthday cake since my father died and then the year I took the kids to Disney world.

I am really totally confused on what and how my sister and nephew are thinking. The halls are tracked like dirt paths. I know they have not looked in that hall room under the kitchen on top floor. Its been jimmied so you cant open the door so that is more stuff for my mother to bring downfor me to clean and throw out. Today I took a bag fool of the junk my mother had packed in a bag and took it up stairs and dumped it in a container and threw out the bag. I feel like I am slow cleaning up the "sh&&* from her place.

On my way to work we passed each other in the street. I am looking at her and she slowly looks me up and down with such hatred. It was almost funny. but it was sad I chuckled she looked to me like she on the verge of losing it or barely present. I cant explain it. I think that APS has been leaving messages, I dont know if they have to send out mail also before they move on but I can feel the animosity. I did mention that she put parental controls on the shows she thinks I like. Crazy and spiteful. So now I find other interesting shows actually I do remember posting that it led to watch more of my religious shows which really help me every time I watch its like they are addressing my delima my pain.

Leg hip pain real bad today I feel like a really old woman having to stop to turn or move. It comes and goes. Today walking down the steps the knee felt like it did this sharp twist thingie, I froze let tested it and then went on with care. Dang !!! Dang!!! Dang!~!! and then we die! lol..

Maybe I should not joke with that. But one thing I want to add is when I heard about Sylvia I didnt feel sad, I felt she was in a good place. I had a similar but terribly strong feeling with Sham that was like she was flying and happy.

Also I got my package from my son. Two pairs of sketcher shoes. One color like a bronze weave match perfectly with a jean set I had got from a yard sale and never wore. It has like gold fringes two rows on the ends of the sleeves and the pants. I wore that the friday I went to get my mother cake. It felt good I got a lot of compliments. So I was like I need to keep making my self look nice. Its uplifts and then of course nothing beats a SMILE!!!!!!!

Hi to all!

Lately my pressure has been up because of sinus pain. sudafed which really helps raises blood pressure as does afrin which gives relief but can only used for 3 days and its not advised to take with other meds which I am on and some on the highest doesage. Its horrendous pain I have found a way to lessen it with the benadryl but its still bad.

Anyways, APS was to come on Friday. I called and left many messages, he called me back and he assured me my mothers case is open and on the board. He states that it will be better if everyone cooperates and he is not getting any answer from her. I told him that she would not cooperate but he could exhaust his options in contact. He says if that is case then he had to speak to his supervisor and was to come by on the next day which was Friday, explaining that if twisted didn't cooperate then it would have to go to court and its a long process. ( I know lets get her done) So he didn't show up and I am guessing that visit was to verify on paper my agreement with their findings.

Meanwhile I see MR. C who did crack job in shed and plumbing. We had a death of one of the elders on the block, Ms. Queenie, she had been in a nursing home. sweet lady, her wake and funeral was Friday. Also an elder I met through my prayer partner and friend passed away on Saturday. I met Sylvia at their home and fell in love with her. She was 93, Queenie was 95. so there was a lot of emotion for me this weekend. Plus the 2nd was Debbie's birthday.

I do tend to go off the tangent but anyway C say me coming and says he had not heard from my nephew about bathroom floor. Says he told my twisted that the beam under bathroom was corroded and he was surprised it was still holding up. He says you touch it and it crumbles. So this had me shook. I asked him to please call nephew and tell him this. He lost the number and I sent it to him. twisted probably never communication the news. Then that night we had this heavy rain fall. Once I witnessed the water coming down the door between shed and kitchen like a water fall put to garbage cans their to catch water.a Dirt and sand was all over the floor on that side of the wall and in front of the door. I was hoping to show this to the APS. but he never came. I dont know what happened.
So my frustration and depression started to slide in. I just pray it holds up until ApS takes over. I have a man comming this week to clean the gutters on roof.

I am sorry to read the tribulations I read in some of the posts and it is uplifting to see how others especially oldtimers step in to help and give perspective.

I just want to say that that is such a beautiful and loving thing to do because one small word and thought can change a life for good. Many words and thoughts have set me on a good path out of being stuck.

So to the those of you who have come aboard keep posting, dont worry about looking stupid or foolish. or all the other things the enemy uses to keep us from progressing.

Keep posting its carthartic, and the people here are wonderful and somewhere in the mist of your posting you will see or hear a theme or thought that will give you the perspective you need to move on.

I have much love for you all.

Rays of love, light, healing and strength to us all!

Golden,

I love the Not My Job/My Job.

Perfect.

We had to add another pill at a different time, and it's thrown off DH's habits. So....I ordered an Amazon Echo, in hopes that Alexa will remind him of what specific pill to take. And a reminder fifteen minutes later ;-) . It'll be good for reminders to stay hydrated. The bonus will be that he can ask Alexa to play his favorite music. Adapt, adjust, keep on going.....

gckgck - welcome Absolutely it is OK to vent here. I am so sorry you lost your dog. Many people think moving failing parents into their home is a good thing and then find out afterwards it wasn't. Adding addictions in makes it virtually impossible. It sounds like your parents are not safe in your house because of their behaviour. I would agree with them leaving -even back to their apartment as they will soon find out they cannot manage and then you will have more leverage to get them into assisted living. All of this mixed in with your bros drama is very stressful for you. Talk to your local agency for aging for ideas how to get them out of your house into a suitable place. You and your husband deserve to get your peaceful life back. Good luck

lizzy - I hope you get some peace of mind. Detaching is the only thing that works for me. I think the mental health issues and the addictions are linked - just my opinion. I also think you handled that phone call from your sis very well. "I reminded her of our conversation 4 yrs ago that if she didn’t get her life together I was done." Way to go!!! You drew a boundary and are sticking to it. To me that is the most helpful thing you can do for your sis. If there is a tragedy, you will hear about it someway.

sharyn - ((((hugs)))) this is a hard date for you and your family

stacey - yes we never seem to get a break for long do we? Do enjoy your new home and your retirement too.

sissi - again your mum does not want solutions she wants attention - that is what a narcissist craves. If you stop giving it to her she will find someone else and your life will be easier. You don't know what to do? I think you do -as someone else said - you maintain a separate residence and a separate life. You go low or no contact. You stop engaging in these toxic discussions. You keep your job. And you start putting the energy that you are putting into this toxic relationship with your mother into some friendships, hobbies, other activities that are good for you. You need some peace.

polarbear -totally agree Well said!

barb - with all due respect, "getting" a narcissist to a geriatric psychiatrist is not an easy task and not one I would recommend that sissi even try at present. Yes, mum needs treatment, badly. Also sissi needs a break as or more badly. I was not able to get mother there. It took a couple of doctors, a case worker and nurse and a community psychiatrist to do it for mother after she became suicidal. For years she would have benefited from treatment but never agreed. I had to distance and detach for self preservation. Sissi can't even get her to a chiropractor! My 2 cents

girlsaylor - lots of meds issues!

glad and gershun - since when are weather phenomena described that way? Are tornadoes winds having tantrums?

Less smoke today thankfully. The fires are still bad and still far away.

Just when I was on a roll watering the lawns the sprinkler bit the dust. Need to go downtown for several things so will make a trip of it. Trouble is, since my niece died, I am sleeping heavily in the daytime starting a little after 12 for a couple of hours. I know I need it but I am groggy for a while afterwards and definitely not ready to drive downtown. Oh well, Canadian T is open late. Just hope the tailors is too.

Take care all

Remember

NOT MY JOB:
fix or save people
be liked
do it all
please everyone
hold it together

MY JOB
love people (and yourself)
be authentic (be true to yourself)
take the next step (don't try to control everything)
speak my truth (in love, but speak it)
breathe (give yourself some space, take time out)

stacey - for me it would be better to concentrate on the now and making that better I'd let go of the idea and talk of divorce which is obviously a hot potato (divorce can happen down the road at any time when necessary or best suited) and so what will make your sis's life better now which is counselling. and possibly a review of her antidepressants. She is stuck in a rut. What is important is that her QOL improve and a divorce will not necessarily bring that about. If he does commit suicide while she is in her present mind set she will blame herself for it for the rest of her life She needs help to get into a better frame of mind to deal with her problems. my 2 cents anyway. Glad the other sisters know now. I think the suicide card is attention getting too but that doesn't mean he won't do it, especially with substance abuse. Sis needs to separate her money from his so shen is not propping him up. His paranoia goes along with the addictions. I have no doubt you and your hub did everything you could. What a difficult time He is making some very bad choices.

sissi - your mum treats you badly. You can decide to go low of no contact without any explanations to her. She will only twist them against you anyway. Let her call go to voice mail. Eventually she will realise she cannot force communication with you. Mother was like that about birthdays too - typical narcissist. Mother thought she was very special too. I would take her at her word -she doesn't care about next weekend then you can make other plans, Mothers illness had to be special too and she was always sicker than anyone else. Have you ever gone on line and read about daughters of narcissistic mothers? You may find it an eye opener. Whatever you do you will never please her -she wants to complain.

duck - Nice you had the birthday party for your mum. Glad Aunt Jean came.Sinus pain can be awful. Hope you hear from APS soon.

glad - I know you went through a lot with J. Alanon isn't for everyone. Good point about enabling. Such a lot of snow. Fast melting can cause real problems.

tg - so much stepping and and fixing things for your dad. You can live your live the way you want to. You don't have to live it to please others. It's your choice.

send - good words There sure is need for a better balance of whose needs are met when.

lizzywho - thx wow what a bunch of dysfunction. Yikes!!! You are wise to keep strong boundaries and to get to a therapist of you need one,. I'ts a pretty sickening situation. I;, glad you have that friend close by.

time for a new post I think

Glad, maybe that bad, bad snow pack should stand in the corner for a while or write a thousand times on the blackboard, I am a bad snow pack.

Snow pack 400% of normal. Drought gone for first time in years! What if snow pack melt is not "well behaved" as it usually is. "Well behaved" I had to laugh, is this a technical term used by all those scientific meteorologist types and flood monitoring people?

Still some snow storms in mountains. Forecast high for Monday here is 90 degrees. Sounds like snow pack might melt at a faster than "well behaved" rate this year. Just had to laugh at this scientific term and measure.😉🏂

Oh ugh, the usual horrible internist issues. Her staff can’t even phone in a prescription to pharmacy correctly. Pharmacist agreed to send over request for 90 days script for the correct blood pressure medicine for me. They are playing the 30-day script game. Between us two, that’s ten maintenance scripts each, so if they will only give 30 days worth of maintenance scripts, not controlled substances, not quantity limitations imposed by our drug plan, I would have to drive to the pharmacy 20 times per month. Refusing to play that game. And every single time the doc does this, I get a phone call from our drug plan to advise me they expect me to get 90-day scripts for maintenance meds. I’m sure they get billed a charge for each pharmacist ‘fill’, so are insisting on 90 days supply. I keep telling them it’s the idiot doctor, that I am requesting 90 days at a time. They call me every single time. And CVS pharmacists are too lazy to call the doc to clarify the drug change, when I’ve taken the same one for several years. They just filled it, no questions asked. So instead of generic Benicar with the diuretic, the doctor’s staff just calls in generic Benicar. Wrong drug.
The pain management doctor I was referred to May 2nd, declined me May 3rd, faxed my doctor he doesn’t treat chronic arthritis joint damage pain. The idiot employee at my internist suggested his partner. Well, duh, he won’t take me either. It’s my internist’s responsibility to give me adequate pain relief, and I’ve not received any pain relief if 28 days. I have three more weeks til I have appointment with new internist. Sure hope I can get through this headache every single prescription refill, for the next three weeks.
I'm just exhausted, constantly dealing with this horrible internist.
So, finally today I was well enough to leave the house to get badly needed groceries. The workforce here is not the best, just like Southern public schools turning out poor quality. Today was the 10th time I was using a battery operated mobility scooter in the local Publix, that the cart failed, battery dead. Stuck in the middle of the store for the 10th time in a single year. The carts can show full charge, and as soon as you ride down a couple aisles, they can drop to zero charge, no warning. As a mobility disabled person using oxygen, this is a really tough situation. I’ve made the managers aware every time I broke down, I’ve contacted corporate, been called back by regional manager, who assures me carts and batteries are ordered. But they never get new carts or batteries in. We don’t have many grocery options here. I’ve tried Shipt, and their shoppers do as little as possible, bring you spoiled vegetables, make crazy substitutions, won’t get rain checks for sale items. I’ve always tipped generously, but when they don’t bring several items on the list, makes it hard to justify paying for what little they do. Looks like I may have to just start ordering from the Walmart grocery service, and pick up at the curb. Don’t want to shop there, but Publix can’t be trusted to have a working cart. Ever. These people just don’t care. When I use gas and drag my sick body to their store, it’s disheartening, when I face barrier to shopping, have to turn around and go back home, for their lack of charging their carts. It’s their employees doing it. We disabled people aren’t backing in rows of motorized carts to the wall, leaving them unplugged, then crawling across several of them to leave through the exit. It’s their employees not doing the job.
So, I didn’t get many items on my grocery list, when I transferred my groceries to a different cart, part way through my shopping trip. I was exhausted from climbing over the dead carts, then my portable oxygen ran low for the extra half hour it took, waiting for an employee to bring a cart with a charge. Til I put groceries away, fed pets, cooked and cleaned up dinner, I simply couldn’t move any more.
So, it was a rough afternoon.