notrydoyoda Posted January 2012
The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?
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- How do I deal with an emotionally needy mother who wants all of my time and attention?
- I get so angry with my 88-year-old mom sometimes and find myself getting resentful to her and not treating her very good. How can I deal?
- How do I deal with being "cut" from the family?
- My sole mate is sole care taker of both parents. Where do I find help dealing with this?
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I'm still getting used to Daylight Savings Time. Last week my body clock was all out of sync, kind of felt like a slight jet lag. Anyway how are you all doing? I noticed on my wall that I received hugs, and I don't know where else to ask, so here goes. I'm trying to figure out where I'd respond to the hugs I noticed when I viewed my wall I've received. No hug goes unnoticed! I'm still learning how to navigate in this tech world, can anybody help me please? O.K. going for my second cup of Joe. Margeaux
You know my husband is not a happy camper when he ends of being the one to takes my dad to the bathroom when he has a BM. Usually I do all the bathroom stuff, but sometimes it just can't be helped. But the good news is I love him for doing it and he knows that and he takes a certain pride in not leaving me with all the dirty work. Time for your hubby to step up to the plate.
Don't ask them, just tell them that you need to focus on your son and they need to make other arrangements. Your husband is a big boy and you can help with lining up a caregiver. Your mom won't like it, but she'll survive.
This is a critical time for your son. I've read up on his illness and I know the testing period will be intense for him. Let me repeat, this is a critical time. It's also the perfect time for you to say NO to your mom and husband and drive to the airport or hospital ALONE with your son.
How often do you have the chance to be there just for him. He needs you more than your mom does. Please try to do this. Please Izzy, you have to start somewhere. Do it now.
Love and Hugs, Cattails
I'll log on later, have to tend to my birdies right now. Margeaux
"Letting Go''
To "let go'' does not mean to stop caring.
It means I can't do it for someone else.
To "let go'' is not to cut myself off.
It's the realization I can't control another.
To "let go'' is not to enable,
but to allow learning from natural consequences.
To "let go'' is to admit powerlessness
which means the outcome is not in my hands.
To "let go'' is not to try to change or blame another.
It's to make the most of myself.
To "let go'' is not to care for, but to care about.
To "let go'' is not to fix, but to be supportive.
To "let go'' is not to judge,
but to allow another to be a human being.
To "let go'' is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes,
but to allow others to affect their own destinies.
To "let go'' is not to be protective.
It's to permit another to face reality.
To "let go'' is not to deny, but to accept.
To "let go'' is not to nag, scold, or argue,
but instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.
To "let go'' is not to criticize and regulate anybody,
but to try to become what I dream I can be.
To "let go'' is not to adjust everything to my desires
but to take each day as it comes and cherish myself in it.
To "let go'' is to not regret the past,
but to grow and live for the future.
To "let go'' is to fear less and LOVE MYSELF MORE. "
Here's to "Letting Go"!
Margeaux - I agree that mum will likely regress with losing her sister, and you can't expect too much from her. Expecting warm fuzzies from a narcissist is a lost cause, but some of us realise that sooner than others. Your sister must get frustrated trying to maintain control - I am glad you are out of that, and in charge of your own happiness.
Hi sballen -glad to see you back and hope things are going reasonably well at home
cmag - hope you have a good week.
austin - glad you have gained some tools - we can grow emotionally at any age, thankfully - to quote you - "now know I was not just a bad child as she wanted me to believe and finally got my power back that I had given to her all those years ago-and the power she had to hurt me-I can ignor." Amen to that!
the trick is to not get sucked into the games they need to play... which always hurt us.
hugs to all
It's been a few weeks since I've been in touch but know that you're in my prayers daily. I am so grateful for this site.
May God continue to give us strength to face each day.
I'm rather curious about your statement, "I am not supportive of you guys."
Would you care to elaborate about this?
I called my sister to see how our mom w/ALZ-91 yrs. old is doing. It's just now up on 2 mos. that her 93 yr. old sister died, w/whom mother and sister lived. My mom was a narcissist while my sister and me were growing up. So emotionally we were quite neglected. Yes, there were the roles put into place early on. But at some point, I've decided for myself, that I didn't want to continue doing the codependent thing, or at least I try my best not to. So when I asked my sister the other day, how our mom was given the recent loss of her sister, sister tells me something like, "Well mom has gone back to the sleeping all of the time bit, tuning out." My mom way before the ALZ always new how to tune out, when she should have been majorly tuning in. So my sister and me feel a bit as if this is some very old behavior on her part, now given ALZ, and age, well what can one expect? Anyway, I could hear it in my sister's voice, the frustration, and I guess she's still somehow dreaming that our mom is going to miraculously step up to the plate and provide her with some kind of warm and fuzzy behavior, and bond w/her. By contrast, I gave up that thought a long time ago. So I just told my sister that under current circumstances we cannot really expect much out of my mom. Also, I pointed out the fact as to the meds she's on, also that she may have gone to the next step in the ALZ, given grief. But I realize in my sister's case her ongoing need to be codependent, and definitely she gets paranoid when she feels she's losing control of a situation.
In general, after having read some recent posts, it would be good for several of us to read about this. We can't be responsible for people's emotional happiness, hopefully we can be for our own.
cattails - I am glad you are coming to terms with your sister. I am too and life is better for that. We each have our own time lines as to when we can do this.
burned - prayers for finding your wallet. Losing important stuff is so frustrating.
A little word about codependency for everyone - something we can so easily get drawn into in caregiving, especially a narcissist.
This definition is from Wikipedia:
Codependency (or codependence, co-narcissism or inverted narcissism) is unhealthy love and a tendency to behave in overly passive or excessively caretaking ways that harm one's relationships and quality of life. It also often involves placing a lower priority on one's own needs, while being excessively preoccupied with the needs of others.[1] Codependency can occur in any type of relationship, including family, work, friendship, and also romantic, peer or community relationships.[1] Codependency may also be characterized by denial, low self-esteem, excessive compliance, or control patterns.[1] Narcissists are considered to be natural magnets for the codependent.
I quote this because I have BTDT, got the t-shirt and am not going back. It is a terrible place to be, but possible to get out of, though it does not seem so at the time. In a dysfunctional family, some are groomed to becoming codependent, to meet the needs of others. Melodie Beattie has some good books on that subject - one being "Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself".
Yes, strangely enough, being codependent is controlling behaviour.
A quote of hers from another book “I used to spend so much time reacting and responding to everyone else that my life had no direction. Other people's lives, problems, and wants set the course for my life. Once I realized it was okay for me to think about and identify what I wanted, remarkable things began to take place in my life.”
Another quote from Robert Burney (Joy2MeU) - "Some of us (classic codependent behavior) tried to control through people pleasing, being a chameleon, wearing a mask, dancing to other people's tunes..."
I see a lot of codependent relationships on this site. Prayers for release from these bondages.
jo
Arrangements are being made for my son to go to mayo.. and this will be a week (or more) trip.. so it looks like I have to take my mom with.. Im not looking forward to this.. hopefully the hotel will be close because I will spend the day going from mayo to the hotel.. back and forth..
There are times I feel somewhat guilty for even feeling this way, and yet I dont even know what Im feeling.. is it resentment.. is it anger?? I dont know.. But I do know when my mom was my age she had her life.. she worked..she went out with friends.. she ran her house as she wanted..she never had to "take care" of anyone but her favorite daughter (and it wasn't me).. And my life now is completely opposite.. everything I do I have to consider her..her health issues..her feelings.. even things in my home are now so different then the way I like them to be..she will say "Is it ok if I move this here or put that there".. and she knows I would never say no.. I so often think "you had your time..this is mine".. Im sure this is an extremely selfish thought for me to even have.. right?? .. I miss the days when it was just me and my family.. especially now that my son needs me I find myself feeling these feelings even stronger.. I cant make her life over now and yet I feel it is up to me to not only care for her health needs but also her emotional needs.. Ive tried to find her hobbies.. well she likes nothing but planting flowers and Ive tried to tell her that she needs to accept that her life has changed now she can no longer be out in the heat planting flowers.. That is when an arguement starts.. she will not accept she is 83 with health issues.. Even her Dr. tried to explain this to her.. She is now looking for a different Dr.. This is when she reminds me of a "spoiled bratty child"..
My prayers are with us all today and everyday..
My sister was supposed to be here during the holidays to see my dad and give me a break. She never came and she never told me she wasn't able too. She just chose not to talk about it. Then she said she would be here during Spring break, she has the week off as she works for the school system. I talked to her today, Spring break starts Monday and she isn't coming. She didn't tell me she isn't coming, but I know she isn't. I could get angry with her, but she has little money and she loves to avoid the fact that she doesn't come through.
I've started taking a depression medication that is really good for anxiety. It helps me to not rip my sister's face off. It is what it is, Burned. It may not be fair, but it's reality and I can't change it. So, I am trying to take care of myself and give my dad the best care I can. That's all I can do. Love and Hugs to you, Cattails.