The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Burned I hope for better for you-you will do ok in the future.

I am back and doing better having finally fought the bug but what gets me is that no one else will take in my SIL and she calls and calls....I would have her over but she will bum smokes and maybe ask for money..then my own sister on the other hand hasn't responded back to me since I told her I do not want my dress UPS to here I want it COD....btw does it seem the whole world is falling to pieces...I know its not the sky but I mean the govt sucks and I am tired of doing the footwork...I can't wait for the kings and queens to come out when my husband passes...Ill have authority around to remove them...I am trying to save my family from the same curse that has befallen both of ours ...as much as you can u cannot never truly breed out dysfunction its there and its invisible plus there isn't any vaccine that i know of yet ...but on the upside I had a decent V Day...staying strong and praying lots:)

This has been a hectic last few days. I've just now been able to read the posts. Izabella and Nancy, my heart goes out to you, because I can feel the pain you're in. I wish it was easy to fix. It is hard to be the one who is being used up. And even harder to make changes that are needed for your own health. I find that just talking about it to someone who cares helps so much.

Izabella, I agree with others that you need to reclaim your life. You need a few years without stress to beat the cancer. Stress is terrible for the immune system and you need to concentrate on yourself and pulling you nest of children and husband back in. It is not selfish to do this. We can take care of our parents without having to be there all the time. There are so many options. Right now you need to take care of you. The family meeting sounds like a good place to start.

Nancy, you sound like you are being worn down by having so much dumped on you with no support from the outside. Don't you love these families we're in? When I read what you wrote, the idea occurred to me that caregiving doesn't have to be all or nothing. I wondered if there was some way to provide some temporary care for your mother, maybe even turning it into a permanent situation if she is happy with it.

I realize that it is a lot easier to type these things than it is to actually do them. Sometimes I think that it is cruel that elder care typically falls on the shoulder of one child. (cmag, it gives me heart to see there is the occasional male.) I would not be surprised that within dysfunctional families, the care falls on the shoulders of the one that was treated the worst.

cmag, I adopted names for the roles played in my family some years back. My oldest brother was the black sheep, the next brother was the golden boy, and I was the kicking boy/sacrificial lamb. My Johnny-come-lately little brother was "the last hope." He was like a separate family. My mother favored the black sheep, which is what probably destroyed him. She let him so whatever he pleased to the sacrificial lamb to placate him. She even admitted this later. She said that the brother would get so mad that it just seemed easier to let him tear me down daily. When he drank himself to death 6 years ago, the only thing I thought was that I wished he had died a long, long time ago. Growing up with him was terrible.

It is difficult to fathom, but our parents cast up into family roles, often for their own convenience or satisfaction. In my case, it was easier for my mother to let me deal with my brother than it was for her to deal with him. To this day she feels no guilt. It was just convenient. (This reminds me of something she said the other day, that I would be the one to bathe my father because I was convenient. She doesn't realize yet how inconvenient I've become.) If it becomes too hard for me, I'll be out the door in a minute. There are too many options.

I guess my thinking about this made me know what you are going through. We are not the only option for our parents. We might be convenient for them, but this convenience thing goes two ways. Often in dysfunctional families, caring only goes in one direction, so we have to care for ourselves.

I didn't mean to write such a book. All of these things are just on my mind tonight.

what a great topic. I'm doing terrible thanks :)
my Mom just passed away after me living with her for 5 years as a non medical live in caregiver. I never asked Mom for a dime. and now that she is gone, the inheritance comes to around $150,000.00 to be split 4 ways. nobody wants to give me a PENNY for my 5 years, much less a dime. perish the thought. I have an appointment with an attorney next wednesday. we'll SEE how much they are gonna pay me, now that all the brotherly love and acts of kindness are shown in their true light, as in non existent. I'm gonna suggest 300 grand to my lawyer. I will write back and keep y'all abreast of theis dysfunctional family and it's sordid shenanigans

I'm googling on this subject tonight, and have focused more on being the only child (son) of a dysfunctional single mom which my mother was during my early childhood up to when I was into my pre-teen years. Her second husband was more like her dad, an alcoholic which after some time she became also. Basically, he was her escape ticket from being a single mom and she never accepted my step-dad's children, plus she continued to hang on to me very much.

cmagnum, Codependent only child...that's me too! Thanks for the post! Very informative! :-)

I know that when I got stronger and set boundaries the husband's behavior became worse but my therapists had told me ahead of time this would happen-so I was able to understand when that did indeed happen.

An only child in a dysfunctional family, like with the presence of alcoholism, may take on parts of all of these roles, playing them simultaneously or alternately, experiencing overwhelming pain and confusion as a result.

The sad thing is that we become as addicted to playing our role(s) as other family members become addicted to us playing that role(s). Thus, when we stop playing our "role" the family dysfunctional balance is thrown off and people become angry at the person who now has some boundaries in their life.

There are several roles which people in a dysfunctional family might have more than one of. 1. Family Hero who become very responsible and self-sufficient plus have the least insight of their own inner needs. 2. The caretaker or placater who takes on responsibility for the emotional well being of the family unit with a self-definition so focused on the needs of others that they don't know how to get their needs met. We often call this person codependent for how happy they are depends on how happy others or one specific other in the family is. They often get involved in abusive relationships in an attempt to rescue the person. 3. The scapegoat who acts out the tension and the anger that the family ignores. Often they are the first person to go into or needs to go into some kinds of recovery program and thus are the one the family feels ashamed of. 4. The adjuster or the lost child who escapes by attempting to be invisible. 5. The opportunist who capitalizes on the other family members' faults in order to get whatever he or she wants. My role with my mother was the codependent only child. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dysfunctional_family

Izabella, It sounds like you are the "Leader of the Pack"...the "Captain of the ship!"...Everyone turns to YOU, follows YOU, waits for YOU to decide! It's hard to be responsible for everyone, and everything, and I know, you probably don't want to let anyone down...right? I am the same way! I am 49, with husband, and kids, and I am the primary caregiver for my MIL. I am an only child. My husband's siblings, who should be involved in their mother's care, AREN"T! I agree with 195Austin, maybe you should have a "family meeting"...lay it all on the table...maybe mom would like being in assisted living (if she is able) where there are activities and others to talk to. Where will you be when the continue to spread yourself so thin? At some point, we have to think of ourselves!...And not just in the shower! PS. I hope you continue to do well! (after your surgery) ..Take Care! :-)

Izibella -maybe it is time to think of placement for your Mom-she is taking your life away from you and your husband and children-after she passes if she has not killed you what will you have if you lose your husband and children. Maybe you can sit down with your husband and children and ask them what they want and then make a decision about your Mom. When I was caring for my husband I kept waiting for others to tell me he needed to be placed and my therapist said I was waiting for someone to rescue me and that was not going to happen then I decided he needed to be placed and everyone one came to my defence-but I had to be the one to take a stand.

Nancy, have you been on this site long? People here are very caring and knowledgeable...(I know I have said this repeatedly). I haven't been on long, but I find it helps me cope, everyday, to read and post on AC. I have the "duty" of almost all the care of a MIL, and 2 out of 3 of my husband's siblings live within 25 miles! I am an only child, and thank God MY mother is still healthy! My father passed away 7 years ago. I have had a SD for the last 26 years though, and he now has Alz.! His own kids don't help him! Needless to say, I have been depressed quite often too. Why is it that some of us continually get "dumped" on? I feel quilty saying this, but it is the hard fact! We are ALL too caring! I think everyone here on AC fits into this catagory. We all have "those feeling" at times...it's only human. And, yes, stress will take it's toll...I know first hand too...I am 49, and falling apart! So, my only advice is to take a deep breath, and continue to visit AC where it is comforting to know there are many other caring people dealing with the same types of issues! Take Care of yourself! :-)

I am searching for answers. Coming from a dysfunctional family makes caregiving extremely difficult. I am very depressed as I have been the only one taking care of my mother the past 5 years when she was diagnosed with Alzheimers. She is 79 years old. Both siblings out of state. No emotional support whatsoever. My mom has suffered from depression, suicide attempts all of her life. Being the oldest all responsibility fell on me since I was a young child. My father was always absent emotionally. Poured himself into his work and outside interests. He passed away 2 years ago. I have plummeted into depression. I feel as if I will never have a life. I am a kind and caring person but feel guilty for feeling this way. I'm having health issues of my own from all of the stress. Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks! Nancy

HAPPY VALENTINES DAY! May you all have a chance to have at least a few special moments today, in whatever way you feel you need! :-)

I havnt posted on here for a while.. I had another (reconstruction) surgery a few days ago (due to breast cancer).. So I am now recovering from that.. and this one was pretty rough.. but I had to take a min. and post on here..everyone on here has been my leaning post through this time in my life... So.. today I am feeling very torn.. I feel like I am being torn in different directions.. Besides taking care of my mom,I also have my sons who need me,and my husband I know feels like I have put a wall up between us.. But I honestly feel some days like I have nothing left to give to my sons or my husband.. My mom as I often decribe her is like I had another baby.. she depends on me for everything.. from constant questions all day regarding her meds..her aches and pains.. she also gets lonely so she likes to talk ALL day.. then I am the one that does all her Dr appts... bottem line.. I am all she has..And mom is VERY needy.. but then I have my kids who need me..and I have to take all extra time I have and give it to them..I feel very guilty because I know they often see me stressed out w/mom and I dont want them to not come to me.. so I make an extra effort to reach out to them.. and my husband is the type who if he sees me stressed he will just leave me alone.. and that has built a wedge between us.. I have completely forgotten what me time feels like.. I had to stay in the hospital after my surgery and even then I was on the phone w issues regarding my mom.. At times I will admit I get a little resentful.. My mom had her time.. to live..raise her kids..ect.. and I dont have that.. my days revolve around everyone elses needs.. the only real thing I do for me is shower.. I miss my home being what it use to be.. I miss the time I had w/my family and I know I wont get this time back.. soon they will be gone living their lives.. and this makes me so sad because I am missing time w/my kids.. And I know the only soulution is for me to continue to try distribute myself around.. not much of a choice.. This is why when I saw this "how are you doing" thread it grabbed my attention right away.. because no one ever asks me that..

Marge what you said about your youth was the same as me I was 7 when my sister was born and was expected to care for her and clean the house then 2 yrs. later as a9yr old take care of them both and clean the house and start supper when I got home from school. My sister was the golden child and I was the one who was not going to amount to anything. I have given up any relationship with Mom I do call her often but when visiting I stay at my sister's home-she has seen how Mom picks on my at 71 -me she has me in tears.

UCantcare2much, Thanks again, coming here and reading the posts are great, and I truly appreciate the encouragement.

Emjo, Thank you also, I'm right now trying to go w/gut instincts, because you know when we can get past some of the b.s., then we can honor our own truth!

Margeaux

WOW! Cmagnum, I was backtracking this thread and read your post about dysfunctional families, and how we do this dance of not standing up for ourselves I did this for a very long time myself, as I was the eldest of four siblings. When I was a kid, I always felt as if I had to figure out everything myself, as I was from that generation, from remember "latch key," kids? Maybe for some of you that don't know what this is, it means basically the kids came home to find the key hidden under a door mat, or a plant. It meant being home alone, usually since our parents were at work. So I just got so used to being in charge, not being emotionally equipped for this job, of being three other siblings mommy. My sister, who always was acknowledged by both my parents as being smarter, more capable. So for all of my input during childhood, it somehow didn't get validated. My mom also while my sister and me were very young, placed unreasonable demands that we do all the cleaning of her house. Mom had a real weird relationship w/her sister (who was always in our lives) she was narcissistic. There were no boundaries w/respect to her. But anyway, mom used this as a guilt trip w/all of we, her children. e.g., of course my aunt would buy us things. But at times there would be some verbal abuse by this aunt. Mom never put a stop to any of that. So because of mom missing in action as a real parent, I feel that now that my sister is POA, MPOA & living w/mom, she feels somehow I guess she's trying to make that last ditch effort to get some of what a genuine parent should be to a child. I love my mom, but I let go of that illusion a very long time ago. Thanx for writing about this, I'm trying to learn more about this. I realize that at least in my family the boundary thing seemed non-existent. Good conversation! We're really on to something on this thread! Have a great evening to all! Margeaux

I am sorry I misselled your name.

Dory I am so sorry for what you are going through-I do not know how you stay there-is there a possibily your husband would go for counsuling with you.

dgrey63, What terrible living circumstances! I'm wondering just how long you will actualy be able to put up with him! You are taking on way too much stress for YOUR well-being! I wish I had some advice here, but thankfully I haven't had to deal with this type of problem. Hopefully, someone here has something for you! I know I'd be running-from-the-house-screaming!...But, I'm sure that is not an option for you! Read all you can here...my sympathy to you, Beth

I find myself getting more frustrated everyday. I am the caretaker for my father-in-law ( my husband and I moved in with him last year). He is a 78 year old, O2 dependant ( severe copd/emphysema ) , and alcoholic. He is also never wrong, very rude and stubborn.
I know from what my husband told me, that my FIL was abusive to his wife ( who has been deceased for 35 years ), and never emotionally there for his children.
Since my husband and I have moved in, we have had to deal with a sister who is a drug addict, who we had to evict and serve a no contact order and another one who moved in that is mentally ill.
I sit back and watch the dynamics of a dysfunctional family at work. There is drug addiction and alcoholism. There is dishonesty, denial and shame. No one is happy.
I do not like my father-in-law and I can barely stand to be in the same room with him. Everything is a battle; from getting him to change his urine stained clothes, to washing his hands. Anything I suggest, to enable him to feel better, he argues against. So, here I am, watching a sick, old man drink himself to death and adult children that are unhappy.

cmag, I also LOVE dairy! How cruel this IBS diagnosis is!!!!

OK...my bad...It's actually this topic too! :-)

emjo, Thanks for your input...I am trying to cut out as much gluten as possible right now...it is hard to go "cold-turkey"! Unfortunately, one of my greatest weaknesses is pizza.:-(

Since I am on the "How are you doing" thread...I'd like to take a few minutes to ask anyone who reads this to pray for a dear friend of mine. She is another super human being who needs all the support she can get! (she has Leukemia) I had a long visit with her yesterday, and found out that even in her situation, most of her (large) family is "ignoring" her! Why is it that friends seem to be there more than family? I couldn't imagine not helping out! I had a close aunt that passed away 5 years ago, from cancer, and I was always there for her...unconditionally. I don't know why she didn't tell me about this sooner...maybe she is ashamed of all of them. I just thought, once again, how dysfunctional ALL families are!...But, that's another topic!

195Austin, You are so right...I think most people ask how you are doing out of habit. They probably walk away not remembering what your answer even was! There are a few of us out there who do listen and care...I think, maybe, they are ALL on AC.com! lol I am certainly enjoying all the comarderie here!

When my husband was alive and people asked me howI was I always said pretty good hoping they might be interested why I did not day fine-I think most people do not even hear your answers.

I think that is a good idea having her call your brothers to help out-they may not even know how bad your mother is if they never spend time with her-my mother hides things from my brothers and one only tells her his problems and hardly ever calls and never goes to see her but has time to go to the cape during the summer.

My wife has IBS and finds that avoiding dairy products or drinking only lactose free milk helps her a lot.

I am glad to see more people finding this thread and that continues to grow.

Prayers and hugs to all and to all good night.

ucant - the IBS may be related to gluten sensitivity. have you tried eliminating all gluten? It isn't easy, as it is found in most processed foods, but can be done. I have been without it for years. I am glad you feel people here care. I think they do and sharing your feelings, when you are ready, helps. Our family has struggled with IBS issues, and found that modifying your diet helps.