The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

I got a call this morning from Shady Sister’s landline. As it was ringing I was wondering? Is this my 9 yr old nephew? Does he need help? Is this my BIL? It was her.

I did not expect it to be her. She always calls from her cell.

Anyway...she was whimpering and sniffling, nothing new there.

Short conversation. She said CPS would be coming to their home today. She said she got two tickets one for failure to control speed and one for kid or kids with seatbelt/seatbelts. She said she would be most likely get a DWI. I asked only DWI or DWI with Child Endangerment. She said she did not know.

She went on to apologize for disappointing and embarrassing me yet again. I stated that only I could embarrass me. I stated she has never had ability to disappoint me. I stated the wake of destruction she leaves is her own responsibility and the time had long passed that I was able to help her in any way.

She said her life was fixing to change drastically one way or the other.

Silence on her part and mine.

She then asked if I would take her calls. I told her no. I reminded her of our conversation 4 yrs ago that if she didn’t get her life together I was done.

Shoulda stopped there but I didn’t.

I told her that I had paid my dues to our family and I have nothing left to give.

She said okay and that was the end of the conversation.

I decided right then not to answer her or or husbands calls. Or any calls from their land line or cell phones.

Im sure if there is a tragedy I’ll have a voicemail or text to deal with.

I was calm. Tried not to say anything to push her over the edge if that is where she is. An outsider truly never knows but I truly doubt that’s where she is.

Sissu, if you ever end up in tact with your mom again, please get her to a geriatric psychiatrist. She badly needs meds for depression.

Sissisu - Your situation sounds very stressful and your mother sounds like a miserable person. So, vent as much as you want here.
You said at the end that you didn't know what to do. But you do know what to do and what not to do, and you said those things yourself.

You won't move her in with you or you with her.
You won't quit your job.

And your words:
"I think the relationship or whatever it is with my mom has come to an end."
" I think it may be best to go no contact."

I agree with you. At least, don't contact her for a while to give yourself some peace. If she needs you, she can contact you.

Wow to everyone struggling, I think my situation seems somewhat normal. Hugs and prayers to you all. I feel kind of silly posting, but I need to vent somewhere. I think even my friends are tired of this situation. Heaven knows I am, but I feel like I'm between a rock and a hard place.

I think the relationship or whatever it is with my mom has come to an end. She's done nothing about complain about her hands and shoulders, crying last week. She'd seen and we'd discussed her going to a local chiropractic and pain center, butt he always put it off a bit. Something always took precedence. So I told her last week, I'd emailed them, but had no response. I was going to call on Friday, which I did. The offices were closed. I said I'd call on Tuesday, which I did this morning. I spoke with someone in the office who walked me through completely what they did - loads of tests and consult with the doctor, then he'd review and we'd go back the next day (another day I'd have to take as vacation but whatever). So I set up two appointments, and left message for mom. No response. I made the mistake of calling her. She was IRATE at me. How dare I do that! I set up appointments for her but can't get myself to a dentist! (What that has to do with anything, I do not know). The utter gall of me to do that! This is from the same person who cried and said no one helps her out, no one finds out about her hands. She said again, that I never looked it up online. I have and there is no magic pill, no magic lotion or potion that will fix it. I just said I'll cancel everything, but do not tell me again about your hands. I then added, I think you want to just have a pity party, and I wasn't going to be part of it. She kept saying 'your day is coming' and I didn't know how to talk to a mother. Probably correct in that moment, but she will tell me how her other friends' children or DIL or whatever take them to the doctor or hospital. How wonderful they are. She then said I'll give you the answer you gave me years ago (about moving in with me - NO). I said fine, it doesn't impact me one bit. It impacts you but you're cutting off your nose to spite your face. She then said don't bother coming this weekend. Again, doesn't impact me. I'm fine with not going. She then hung up on me after calling me back to yell at me. She's sent away for magic water, cures, etc., which she then stashes away because it's not an instant cure. She said the chiro only tells you about the success stories, what about the ones that don't work? I said no doctor will say yes, I can cure you. You go in for cancer, no doctor will say I can cure you. 'Oh that's BS.' No that's the truth. It's never a given. Then she said I say about my knees being bad. Yes, and I went to an orthopedic doctor years ago, when the one was so bad I could hardly walk. I got treatment, and he said I have arthritis in both knees. I have to watch it. If it flares up again, I will go back to him. Whatever I say or do is wrong. I think it may be best to go no contact. That there is no magic cure, I'm sure it's because I didn't look hard enough, do enough, am just lazy, or it's just all my fault due to the work she did for me (packing for me when I moved). Yes, that caused problems with her hands, packing boxes.
I just think she wants to move in with me or have me move in with her. I'm not quitting my job at this point; she thinks I can get something else I guess. "Others get jobs here". Yes, let me lose 30 years service, take a low paying job, if I could get one being 60 plus. Her home town is everything and I mean everything to her, so she'd be miserable here. Which would make me miserable; guess maybe that is her end goal? If she's miserable, then I have no right to be happy or just content? Or she just needs attention 24/7. Either way, I cannot handle it.

Thanks for letting me vent. I'm exasperated, and I don't know what to do.

Stacey,

We have more things in common not just a parent that had PSP. Unfortunately they are bad things.

Your story and the series of events parallel mine in an strange way. Your BIL sounds a lot like my sister. Is it the addictions or the mental health issues. I don’t know.

I was in your position 4 yrs ago. Counseling, helping, finding resources, try to push in the right direction.

Its hard. It’s hearbreaking. It’s exhausting. Being lied to and manipulated by someone you are trying to help is maddening.

I hope you are able to help your sister without it taking too much of a toll on you.

I agree. We are done with our Caregiving journey and we think it’s gotta be smooth sailing for a while. Then it’s not.

Take care. I’ll be thinking about you and your sister.

So, today is my sixth day of taking my medications on the schedule I devised, and cleared with my pharmacist. It’s a sad world when our doctors don’t assist with medication instructions. But, six days in, my meds on a schedule, instead of taking three of them as needed. Since the liver meds interact with everything, taking anything on demand isn’t working, as if I take on demand, the meds are inactivated by the liver meds, up to four hours post liver meds. Six days of no diarrhea! You guys can’t know how horrible quality of life is when you can’t get from the sofa to the hall toilet without soiling with explosive diarrhea. This disease is ugly! I am probably being premature, but by taking the as needed meds on a schedule, whether I have diarrhea has been a lifesaver! I can’t believe how much less the discomfort is. And I might be able to actually leave the house on my own terms, not just when it’s not as bad as other times!
I am truly angry about the horrible mess our medical system is in. And, the people from the UK are finding shortages of the liver medication. 3-4 different companies, every single manufacturer of this medication, are all claiming production delays and shortages. It is an excuse for them to all raise their prices together, as the UK is presently putting their national healthcare drug formulary out to bid. It’s only a matter of time the manufacturers create the same artificial drug shortage here in the US, to raise the prices exponentially.

Thank you Send, Becky and Sharyn and everyone for your support! I know that everybody has their share of family strife, and mine is home different. We can only do what we can to support those who we love, and the rest is in God's hands. I will pray for all of you who are dealing with lifes struggles.

Just when you think the troubles of caring for your elders and dealing with the aftermath and grief are finally behind you, there is always another of life's lesson put before you to sort through, especially when you come from a big family such as mine. I am thankful that my husband and I have gotten ourselves well and set up following many years of caring for his Dad in our home. At least now we are in a position to help my sister through this and get her on her feet. I hate that it might force us to put up boundaries towards my BIL, as he has been in our lives for 35 years and is the Father of my 2 nieces. Somehow we will find the right formula to help them both build a life separate but on good terms hopefully, but my allegiance is to my sister's wellbeing first and foremost. It is time that she lives a relaxed and stress free life for a change. I hope we can pull this of for her sake, I can see how this has aged her and put her life in peril for far too long.

God bless you all!

My nieces 1 yr anniversary is coming up soon. My sis is going to spend it in Kentucky with her youngest daughter.

Lizzy, I am so sorry to hear about your sister and her dilemma, dealing with others mental illness and drug abuse is so difficult! It sounds like you have put up those important boundaries which is very hard to do sometimes!

I am so glad that the kids in this car weren't seriously hurt! Hopefully this will set off a chain reaction that will lead her to the help she needs in her life.

Tough love, it's very hard when it is family, especially when there are children involved. Hugs to you and I hope you are able to go on your vacation and put this in your rear view mirror for a while. Hugs!

Stacey, it must be very difficult and painful for your sis and the rest of your family to see this going on. It is very heartbreaking. I sure hope he goes in for counseling and it may be beneficial for your sis as well.

Im so sorry your family is going through this. It is good you are close by to support your sister. (((Hugs)))!!

Send,

Thank You. You are so kind. When I detached and only communicated by phone years ago, now I can see I should have walked away completely.

There is no way I will re enter the madness. Now to detach my mind from the dread of the phone call from her husband about what she’s threatening, what she’s attempted or what she’s committed, I am struggling with that. The smart thing I guess would go no contact with him. I don’t know that would help. Trying to figure that all out.

Stacey,

I think you are continuing your post. I will check back later on you.

Cont...

3 more years to full retirement at age 63, and he knew all this, but couldn't fly right for a few more years, such a shame.

Part of me feels like he was so jealous of my husband and I both retired and setting up our lives to live comfortably, which you all know we have been working hard towards doing this for 2 years now since my FIL (who we cared for) passed away, and he's been jealous of my sister not working, who is on SS disability with a bad back, however she does look after their 16 month old granddaughter in their home which is a lot of hard work! He always feels that everybody else has it better than him, but he won't do anything to change things.

My BIL stopped caring about everything around their home about 7 years ago, the house, yard and gardens used to be his pride and joy, now left unkept and in disarray, all part and parcel of his deep depression and drug abuse.

How things got to this level is so mind boggling. What used to be a proud loving man who would do anything for his wife and children is now but a shell of himself, and it's hard to know exactly how to guide either of them. I want her out, 15+ years is too long and I can't imagine him ever changing enough to satisfy my sister, plus she no longer wants or even loves him in a marital kind of way.

There is no easy solution, but I do thank you all for your kind words, suggestions and support. I will encourage her to seek counseling, and of course I will be here for my sister at every turn. It is hard to continue to be supportive to my BIL who only ever lies to my face that he Will do this or that but never follows through on anything. When he does do something like he cleaned up their yard one day recently, and he acted like a child who only did it for the accolades I would give him, not that he had neglected his responsibilities for years and years, it's sick, typical Narc, but pat him on the head I did, anything to keep him doing the right thing!

Anyhoo, thanks for listening to me rambling on! I know what I need to do for now, encourage her to get counseling!, and pray the other show won't drop any time soon!

Things went on with them, we were still going by often, I helped him with his job hunt, his resume, but he wasn't into it, just wanting to do the minimum in order to get Unemployment coming in. My sister was Stressed, he was drinking and smoking pot more and more,which was actually unusual for him, as pain pills are his drug of choice, but now that he wasn't working, no more work drug tests, so anything goes I guess.

My BIL has had an estranged relationship with his family for many years, he used triangulation to estranged my sister from his family and Visa versa, so there was no love loss there, she does not have a relationship with them, but now he was more actively calling them and they calling him.

About 2 weeks after he lost his job, I offered to take my sister out to the Casino, and pay her way, something like a Thank-you for having us in their home for those 2 months. I knew she was broke, stressed,and felt she needed a few hours out of the house, so out we went.

We left at 6pm, and at 9pm I got a phone call from BIL, he was upbeat and in good spirits, sounded very normal to me, he said he had been talking to his brother, had had a great chat, "got his head on straight", asked if we were having fun, had we won (I had, and was sharing with my sister!😃) and our call ended on a positive note.

At 11:30pm my sister dropped me off, went home and walked into a complete disaster! Her husband has destroyed their home, turned over every piece of furniture, smashed the TV, and every lamp and overhead light fixture. He pulled every knob off of the kitchen doors and drawers, pulled the food out of cupboards and fridge onto the floor, destroyed his granddaughters books and toys, the baby swing and other baby items, had punched and kicked holes in the walls, it was horrible! My sister walked in and said "what have you done" and "do you feel better now" in which he replied "Yes", and she immediately called me to see if she could come back to my house, and she told him she was leaving and he begged her to stay, nope, she left.

He then called their daughter (30 with a new baby), midnight now, threatening suicide. She told him she was calling the police, he said he would kill them too, she called the suicide hotline, they told her to call the police, she did. By the time she got to her parents home, there were about 8 police cars, and she couldn't get down their private drive. The police took him 8nto custody without incident and they transported him to the hospital in a straight-jacket per my niece.

So he was in hospital for 4 days and then transferred to a Psychiatric hospital 7 additional days while they evaluated him and got him on some Psych drugs. He was supposed to follow up with counseling, but so far has not done so. This is when my sister moved into the MIL side of their house.

Of course the whole time he was inpatient my sister and her girls were there trying to pick up the pieces. Clean up the mess he made, and trying to get him and his mental health care sorted, however never once went to see him inpatient. Whether to punish him or bury her head in the sand, she was truly and completely over rot with stress and shame and mental anguish. It was this that finally got her to share all of the ugly details to our other 2 sisters, as up until this time, I had been trying to keep it a secret, her too embarrassed to let them know the entire truth of the shambles that is her marriage.

I have been supportive in every way I can be, it is hard to beat a man down when he is going through life's difficulties, but for the most part he does know what he has done and is doing to my sister and their family. For some reason my husband and I have always tried to be supportive of him, steering him to the right path, if only to help my sister in all of this, and I mean years of counseling him to do the right thing to no avail.

He could have such a cushy life, he had a great job with great benefits, CONT..

I hope it's okay to vent here. (It's my first post and if i'm not following the forum guidelines please remove).
I'm the youngest of 2 and have an elder drug addict brother.
My parents live with me and my husband.
My father is 89, an depressed alcoholic, weak heart, very old world values (the man is the master of the house).
My mother is 85, has dementia (no short term memory, some delusions).

My brother lived with us on and off the past year after going to rehab. At one point his dog killed my dog which was very painful for me. He also totalled our car. I thought he was mostly clean throughout the year, but turns out he wasn't. He's not living here any longer.
My parents both lost their driving licenses last summer and moved in with me, at my request and also at their request, in September. I'd been asking them to move in for the past few years because they were very isolated and my mother wasn't receiving care, my father didn't give her meds or even bring her to medical appointments. He only focused on himself and he refused to move. So until they lost the ability to drive he was adamant they would not move.
From the day they got here things have been tumultuous. My father blamed me for their moving and I was the focus of his resentment and anger. They both have never respected me and have always preferred my brother (old world culture preferring males). My brother was here over Christmastime(who has always controlled the finances) and has been stealing and convincing my father to give him money for many years now. I found his drugs over Christmas and he screamed and me and stormed out.
My father calls my 3 cousins and complains I am verbally abusing them. I do lose my temper on occasion because they both refuse to allow me to manage the cooking (I have never previously prepared a meal for them in my life because they refuse to allow me believing I cannot cook). So they like to control the kitchen, but being in the state they are, have to be supervised very carefully. Gas has been left on, things get burnt, things get salted and then salted again... My cousins are taking my father's word and refuse to discuss anything with me (we have never been close, but my father calls them regularly. My father drinks daily and often pours my mother a drink which turns her into a mess. We've asked him not to encourage her to drink and he was outraged we dared to mention it. My mom complains to my father I am rude to her and she wants to leave and my father who would love to leave leaps on the bandwagon and they plot to return to their former apartment (5 hours away), or move overseas where they have an apartment. No one who knows them thinks they can live on their own. I've told them they can go to assisted living, but they both say they don't need to.
So my brother is mostly estranged from me. My parents call him regularly asking him to help them find an apartment, or to come visit. They don't really believe he is as bad as he is.
This is all meandering and nonsensical. I'm rambling.
But it's all driving me crazy. I'm exhausted.
It's funny, but my parents and brother always considered me the irresponsible and stupid family member. I have been a stay at home mother most of my life and they just think my opinions and ideas are meaningless. But now it turns out I ended up being the responsible one.
My husband and I live a quiet peaceful life and we feel like a tornado has come through.
Thank you for allowing me to vent. It's just so complicated that I don't have the energy to explain to my friends.'

Lizzywho,
So sorry this has happened.
I know about detaching with love.
I know being dragged back in by horrific circumstances.
I know the always on my mind, gut wrenching thoughts of caring and concern.

Then, attempting to detach again, with love, a lot harder. But you will find the best way to save your own sanity, I am sure of it.

For me, it is all too often, not answering that phone call.

I hate to hear when people use the Suicide card frequently, in order to control others thoughts and actions, in a "crying wolf" sort of fashion, it so unfair.

We are taught to take action any time someone says that they are going to harm themselves or are going to commit suicide, but when it is said over and over again, that person clearly needs help, but also is trying to manipulate you, and this is what has been going on in my sisters relationship for years. At some point you become numb to react to the threats, and that is such a terrible place to be forced into, and then add alcohol and drugs into the mix, it's mental cruelty.

Besides the ever present issues with Always keeping my sister off her axis with sadness, worry, and secrecy, my BIL is very manipulative, he is a pathological liar and he spends large amounts of money on Nothing (scratch cards, casino gambling, booze and pot, Anything) without any remorse or regard that it is taking resources away from where they are truly needed, and then my sister (the bill payer) must then find a way to borrow Peter to pay Paul, it's a vicious cycle with him.

I could go down a list of all the horrible things my sister has put up with for years, it's all awful and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy, and she's such a lovely person, wife and Mother.

My BIL lost his job with the Wa state Ferries, 30+ years, 3 years to go till full retirement, he sabotaged it himself, poor performance, poor attendance, a job my own husband says was his Dream Job, well my BIL went off the deep end, and this all happened when my husband and I were still living with them temporarily. He blamed everyone but himself, claiming they were "out to get him". He was able to hold it together until my husband and I moved out about a week later, actually, my sister said that the 2 months that we stayed with them was the most peaceful time around their house in a very long time, but it was only temporary.

So he lost his job and we had just bought our new place, but before we moved out, both my husband and I did everything we could to be understanding and helpful, it was a major event, my sister was devastated not knowing how they were going to make it financially, how she was going to deal with his craziness, knowing that things were about to implode, and here it was supposed to be a very happy time in our life, it was tense around there to say the least. On one hand we couldn't wait to get out of there fast enough, and on the other hand I just knew BIL was unstable, and that sister was terrified of what would happen next.

So we tried to stay positive for him, counseling him on what to do next, I helped him apply for Unemployment insurance, and apply for his Pension. Helped her to get Medicare which she is entitled to due to being on SS disability and no longer under his work health insurance plan. Told him to go to the VA for health insurance, as he is a Veteran, all of the things I could think of to help to alleviate some of the financial pressures and worries off of them ASAP, and now here we were, moving out and with us the 1000 rent monies we were paying each month, another blow, I felt guilty leaving her with this mess all the while knowing he was going to implode.
Cont...

Stacey,
I’m sorry to read about the struggles in your family.

Golden,
I read your posts and others on this thread. Your nieces death what a tragedy.

I have never spilled my guts on this thread. I just never felt compelled to do so.

Some May have read in my posts to others threads about my Shady Sister. She is the youngest. My middle sister was killed in a one car roll over accident in 2001. Alcohol was involved. I am the oldest.

Shady Sisters life imploded in Feb-April 2015 about the time my Mom went on Hospice. Her husband asked my help to try to get her into treatment. She was erratic and he was afraid she was suicidal or would become suicidal as her life implosion was unraveling. So, it happened the big meltdown. I got her to the ER and she was admitted to the mental health adept for three days. Alcoholism yes we knew that. Cocaine also! She was referred to an out patient treatment center. She fell off the wagon or was caught by her husband 5 weeks later.

I threw up boundries but I did my walk away. I would talk to her on phone occasionally.

She had a Gastric Bypass surgery July 2018. I did not know how that affected her drinking. I just wasn’t involved.

I left house without my phone Saturday afternoon for several hours. When I got home I had a missed call and text from Shady Sisters husband. I knew it was not going to be good. I have not been in contact with him since Fall 2015.

I returned his call. My sister, with basically no stomach, was driving around on a country road, drinking, with 5 kids in the car. She went thru a curve, through a fence. Air bags deployed. One kid was in front seat. His face was burned. I don’t know how seriously. Everyone was transported to hospital and released except the child affected by the airbag.

The State Trooper relayed to the husband blood would be taken at the hospital and she probably would be looking at a Felony.

I have zero, zilch, nada, no sympathy towards my Sister. Very little for her husband due to the fact he has enabled her for so long. Their 9 year old son and the others in the car I am just sick about that whole situation.

I didn’t have much to say to BIL. No I told you so, etc. I only told him I could get him a name of an Attorney. Not to get her out of this! This is just undefendable.

Anyway, due to the subjects here in the last few days I felt compelled to post.

I am in no way going to enter stage left in any way into this downward spiraling vortex that is their life.

At first I was livid, angry beyond belief, then numb. This morning I woke up with this dread in the pit of my stomach.

DH is going to be on vacation this week thru next weekend. We are busy and headed out of town late week. When I am busy the thought of this mess is not in my mind. But in my down time it invades my mind.

Im gonna give this a few days. If I am not handling this any better I will have to get myself to a counseler or therapist for help.

I am fixing to call my neighbor. She is very familiar with my sister’s history. She was, years ago a tough love coach or counseler. He brother was a Vietnam Vet and an addict.

My neighbors Mom and My Mom passed away within six months of each other. We leaned on each other heavily.

My Sister when in a situation she can’t talk or cry herself out of then talks of suicide. I guess that is what the feeling of dread is in the pit of my stomach.

Tgengine,
What kind of thanks did your friend get for picking up your Dad's phone?
Interesting story, but long story short.

Your wife was right, you should have held onto the phone awhile. Therein lies part of the problems you are having, imo. Giving up control too easily, too willingly, too often.

He who has the money, the cell phone, the car, has the control. He who has control has the power.

I cannot think of anyrhing right now how you could have used that control to reign your father in a bit, but others might. I don't know if it would have been a good thing, or a bad thing. But maybe achieve a balance between always being used up, resentful; and your too generous ways, resentful with your father.

Keep smiling.

Has anyone used CDB oils? My friend who is a chiropractor uses it? My 89 YO neighbor is in constant pain. She was advised to use it. I got a bottle for her and advised her daughter. 5 drops a day for pain. Hopefully it will help her. She has a lot of leg and back pain from years of broken bones. Has anyone had any luck with it? BTW it is not the oil with THC in it. I am sure that would be better for her tho!

Dad lost his phone the other day, wandering around looking for it., I called it and someone answered it. An older gentleman. Long story short it was 45 minutes away from me and my friend lives in the same town. So I asked him to get it. The next day I drove 45 mins out and 45 back to get it. I give him his phone and he just says "oh wow". Apparently he lost it in the porta john at the park. I told him to mail the person a gift card for being so nice to hold on to it. Not much of a thank you for going out of my way to get it. My wife says I should have held on to it for a while. Just another someone else will fix it. I figured the relatives will be concerned about him.

He seemed a little miffed because my wife asked him not to invite his lady friend to the picnic this weekend. Too bad, my house my rules, my wife did not want his lady friend being the center of attention as she does. The morning of the picinc she upset my daughter with her antics at church so it is hitting home here.

It is challenging living with a parent. I am trying to live my life the way I want but have to live the way others want to have.

Stacey has sis talked with hubby's doc to let him know how bad the problem has become? How is hubs getting the drugs? I know she probably does not want to do that. She in enabling hubby to continue on the path he is on. Doc may have suggestions for her as well.

Stacey, I’m so sorry your sister is having problems in her marriage. I was in a bad marriage for 25 years. Went to counseling. But that doesn’t accomplish much if the other person doesn’t go. Finally, left. Took a long time to get past that. She’s lucky to have you and your other sisters for support.

Duck, Hope APS gets busy on your mom’s case. Feel better. Sinus pain is the worst. I had it for several years before I had sinus surgery. Fortunately, haven’t had many problems since then.

Thanks Glad, you are right in that she needs counseling and I will push her to do just that, the sisters are not a substitute for unbiased counsel, as we are too close to the situation.

She is strong and not in denial of situation, she knows that the time has come to take action, it's just taking that first big step into the unknown that has her frightened.

It's only a matter of time before it happens. I appreciate everyone's advice! Thanks again!

Ahh, Stacey. So sad. Been there too. My relationship with J was only 15 years. He basically committed suicide by alcoholism. And I hung on and hung on until mom needed care. That was my way out and it did me wonders as there was someone I COULD help and someone that needed it, wanted it and was appreciative of it.

Sis needs to be in therapy. I did alanon for awhile it was not what I needed either. I needed a partner that was able to want sobriety for himself. He just didn't. A group setting like alanon is very hard, especially for people that do not want to make their problems public, even if shared in a so called "closed" group. It still gets around. It sounds like sis is in denial about hubby's problems and hoping that magically one day he will make the decision to get clean and go after it as if nothing were more important in his life.

After sis on anti's so long, she may need something else. Why is she resistant to therapy? It is great that you have such great relationships with your sisters and that L finally told other two what has been going on. Therapists are specially trained to help and have seen it all and know how to talk to people that are suffering. Your sister is not safe. If she is afraid hubs will commit suicide she MUST get out of there. Often they will take the one that they love the most, but the brain just is not functioning properly.

I worked with a woman, very pleasant, cheerful, but something was not quite right. She lost her life in murder-suicide, quite the shock to everyone. Thank goodness the children were not home. Talked with another woman that worked with us following the deaths, she, too, knew something was not right.

Whatever it takes, she either needs to get out of there or get hubs hospitalized for his own good and for her life. The support she receives from you and family is wonderful though not a substitute for what she needs.

So sorry this is happening to her and your family.

Dduck, thank you for your support, and I'm glad your birthday party for your Mom went off alright!

I am lucky that I have 3 wonderful sister's to share in life's troubles, we are always very supportive of one another so my troubled sister knows she always has someone to talk to. I am just happy that she finally opened up and completely shared all of their issues with the other 2, as it does take some of the pressures off of me, who always felt like I had to keep her secrets., but I do realize it's embarrassing for her to reveal the ugly fractures in her marriage, especially when it has to do with his addiction problems, so now they know everything, they knew things were bad, just not How Bad. A problem shared is a problem halved, and all that!

I have faith that it will work out for the best in time, I just wish it would hurry up, but it is tricky as we all do care about him too! He was a great guy until the drugs got ahold of him, but he still tries to justify his pain problems, and until he faces up to the facts that these pain pills are his downfall and get off of them, his problems will only get worse, it's such an vicious cycle. He knows he needs help, but is paralyzed to put one foot in front of the other, and with his mental health issues on top of it, it's like it now gives him the excuse and the control, but he's wrong! He is the one who stands to lose everything, she will be fine! It's just so sad!

StaceyB , so sorry about your sisters situation. Its so hard to let go and move on from people who are hurting us sometimes. Losing a 35year old state job is very truamatic. I hope your bIL gets the help he needs. Meanwhile its great that your sister has a sister like you to lean on. She has probably gone through a lot more than she has shared and I am quite sure it helps having someone like you in her corner.

I did the dinner and cake for my mother, my cousin Mari didnt come she had leg pains but "aunt' Jean came. My mother barely made an effort to blow out candles.But it was nice. and I felt good seeing the candles lit up. Meanwhile the twisted whose birthday is 22nd next day after my mother went to I guess atlantic city. I noticed her whole floor was dark. she had turned out the light in the hall and bathroom and the bulb in the room my mother likes to use was out and she was up there in the dark. I dont understand what she was thingkin to leave everything in darkness plus the toilet running. Then I noticed the room right under the "kitchen" on my sisters floor has buckling of the ceiling by the window. That room is also cluttered with junk. I could barely get the door open. And I am so burnt out that I dont even want to do what I need to do in my own room. Got to learn and find the way to focus on me and learn to love myself and take care of me first.

I had a dilemma again with the cake. Last year, the top of the cake slid off. I caught it before I got on train and took it back. This year the dang store was closed. So I high tail it downtown to a store to get this fabulous carrot cake, well dang! the cake was discontinued! So I got a cake from foodtown and had to wait forever just to get the writing on the cake. On the bus back home a homeless man had the bus stinking. I didnt notice the smell, I think my sensors got burnt out working with homeless in the emergency room. Its sad, the mental illness, anyways, I ran into a scene with a mother and young son and bunch of police and inquired around and the mother was dragging the son down the street and was drunk, lots of witnesses. Its so sad you never know what a person is going through or has been through.

Today I got on bus with a new but now regular driver. I always say hello, or good evening he never answers. long story short, I got a smile out of him today when I jokingly asked if he talks. Then I thought about how sometimes I have felt I had the world on my shoulders and that maybe he is going through a personal hell right now and to just smile when I get on his bus.

I have been having horrific sinus pain at night, up crying, flushing my nose its been hard. The psuedoepinephrine help but my presure goes up. Suffer or blow a fuse? So Saturday I tried afrin which I was advised against. You can only use it 3 days. I also picked up a painkiller with benadryl. Took one pill and used the afrin and the pain resolved much faster than before.

Still havent heard from APS , hoping and praying the case doesnt get lost in the process. I keep calling, leaving messsages. Meanwhile it gets overwhelming with my mother at times. Sometimes its frustrating trying to get her to eat. and the surprises that she leaves and create can be overwhelming not to mention the onset of summer heat, flies, nats and moths. Oh boy!!!

I hope you all do some "me" time and hug yourselves and love yourselves and pat yourselves on the back for being awwesome folk and survivors.

I call mom daily, basically to see if she's ok (physically). I honestly should cut back, tell her it's my cell services, have to call on special days only or something. It used to be a couple of times a week, at most, but that was when you paid for long distance calls. If I do not call her now, she'll keep calling me over and over until I answer.
So I opted to not go there this weekend in favor of next weekend, her birthday. Her birthday MUST be celebrated, after all. It was never that much as we were growing up, but now we have to do a real dog and pony show.
She was fine with my going there next weekend, but I knew by the time Monday rolled around, she'd be in a foul mood. Yep, just got off the phone. Bad day, all alone. The thing is all we'd do would be is me making some big old meal for her while she sat, and then probably groused about something being too tough or not hot enough. She was all fine Sat and Sun. Sunday she and brother went out to eat and she had to (HAD TO) tell their waitress next weekend was her birthday. Sure enough waitress came over with that restaurant's birthday treat, and they sang to her. Oh she really hit the jackpot!! Had to call and tell me all about it. Whatever. Restaurants do that all the time; it wasn't just for you. (I think she thinks it was).
So, tonight she said I don't care about next weekend. Well, if you don't care then I'm not busting my ass to get there.
Then I had said oh did you see the ex-MLB player passed away from Lewy Body Dementia? I said I believe it hits people mainly in 50/60's (at least the cases I have read about are in that age group). "Maybe I have it. There's something wrong with me, everything aches, and I can't do anything with my hands!" Of course, she has to be suffering more than anyone. She can move her fingers enough to feed herself, so not really paralyzed or anything. She's lost dexterity, which does come with old age. She says it's from doing so much for everyone during her life (and now no one - aka me - will help her!!). I am calling the local chiropractic/pain center there tomorrow. They do non-surgical treatment for carpal tunnel and related hand issues. If she refuses to go, I'm drawing a line in the sand. I will pack up right then and there. She wants help (so she says), but when I've said let's go see your doctor, the response is "doctors now days don't know nothing!" She expects me to find a miracle cure online. "Well, you're online all the time!" So passive aggressive dig and another one - why can't you fix me - underlying theme - it's my fault.
It was a relaxing weekend for the most part. I see it more and more that I will probably have to go no contact if she keeps getting more and more angry and nasty. So unfortunate. If we could keep it just civil, just civil, it would be so much better. She thinks we should be like other mother and daughters, except we were NEVER close. It was her dictating to me, never ever having any in depth conversations - except about her. Her horrible life, the same stories of how she's been wronged. Never once did she ask me what do you want to do - what are your hopes and dreams? Nothing ever. So she's wanting a closeness that was never there. And when I've said as much, she says so now it's my fault. There's no use in saying whose fault, water under the bridge. And even now, if I say something, I'm talked over, ridiculed, laughed at, some passive aggressive remark is made, lectured to, or just ignored (she'll say oh I was watching/listening to xxxxx on the tv). So whatever I say isn't worth listening to one bit. If I don't talk, then she gets mad, too. She'll just talk endlessly where I can't get a word in edgewise, then yell at me for not saying a word. She's seen other mother/daughter duos (like some sappy ad or Hallmark moment), and thinks that is what I want, too! Of course, it's my fault that we're not close to that picture.

Golden, I completely agree with you, counseling is in order. Thankfully she has been on anti-depressants for years, but that is not enough in dealing with this current problem, and you are right, separate but same household is not enough as with his particular issues, he does not/will not respect the boundaries even though the intention was there to try to save money which is tight, until they could come up with a more permanent solution for their marriage problems. His losing his job made everything worse , but also brought all of the problems to the forefront

We all know and she knows that divorce is the only way, but 35 years is hard to flush away, especially now that there are 2 beautiful new Grandbabies to share and what should be the best of retirement years to look forward to, they will have to find the best way around this. Even thi morning I asked her if she thought how things will feel at family gatherings if they should divorce, and she feels like she could be fine with it, but I know she is worried that he will commit suicide without her, and that is what is holding her there, it is very sad. Thank you for your wise words as always!

stacey -so frustrating and worrying for you and the rest of your family. In my view, sis does not need a cooling off period but a time apart from her hub with certain objectives set which have to be met before they can reunite. It sounds like everything is run by emotions, I also think sis needs individual counselling. Reading off the internet isn't doing it for her. Sounds like she needs antidepressants too. The staying on different sides of the house was doomed from the start. Of course he would break boundaries - that's the nature of the illness.

You are your family are doing all you can. One or both of them have to make the changes - you can't do it for them and I know you know that. (((((((hugs)))))

Golden, there have been many times where my sister has come to stay with us when she was fed up, or was not feeling safe, using it as a cooling off period for both of them. She has many people who care about her and have offered her a place to stay, and it is only a matter of time before she reaches that point of forever, and we are prepared for that.

I have personally taken her to a couple of ALANON meetings, but she doesn't feel she needs this, she is a voracious reader and gets her support from this and from family at this point, but she is definitely depressed and has been for a long time, which keeps her shut in and tethered to this unhealthy situation and her home.

Just recently, and following his involuntary stay in the mental hospital, she moved herself to the MIL side of their home (the side we lived in for 2 months following the selling our home) to put some distance between them, and post his release, several of us had quite the sit down to discuss the necessity of this, and the boundaries necessary for her to continue staying there, however he pushes those boundaries often as he is understandably "lonely" being restricted from entering "her side". Initially they felt this might work for awhile (even before his breakdown), while they decided what to do about the state of their marriage, but it is definitely not a long term solution to their problems, nor any way to salvage their marriage or their housing issues.

It would be best if they sell their home, live separately for a while, including a "legal separation", until they can figure out if they want to make divorce official, but both are struggling with that decision, as deep down there is still either love there or merely the feelings of responsibility to one another, but in my opinion, their marriage has been over for at least 15 years, way too long to just "put up" with one another and certainly no way to live, so unhealthy and unhappy too! They both need individual as well as together counseling, big time, which has been suggested Many a time.

For now, all we can be is supportive to both, and help them to make the right decisions. It is a very sad and sometimes scary place to be, as I Love my sister, and love her husband too, unfortunately he has changed so much over the years from his chronic drug abuse.

duck and stacey - thank you

duck - it takes time to accept that they are playing games with us and then to take the necessary self protective steps.

stacey - what a horrible situation. Your sister is in danger IMO and she feels responsible for her sick hub. What boundaries has she put up? You all are right in wanting her to leave the situation. I can see this is a terrible worry to your family. Has she gone to counselling herself to learn about her issues? Her husband is a very ill man and is refusing help. Separating from him until he gets help is not giving up her marriage. It is protecting herself and giving him the opportunity to do something good for himself. If he does not get help she doesn't have a marriage but a dangerous trainwreck of a relationship. ((((((hugs))))) to you. This is a nightmare.

My niece and her husband had a good and peaceful relationship. They really cared for one another. That didn't stop her from taking her life. Tell your sister that.

Extreme fire hazard again and then waking up to the smell of smoke is not comfortable. We are getting smoke from the fires to the east of us many, many, miles away, thankfully. I am staying in as my eyes sting from it sometimes even indoors.

glad - we could use some of your snow here right about now. Did I really say that??? Rain would be better. 🌧 ☂