The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Cwilley, thank you so much for the support and the Link, I will read it and pass it on, Much appreciated!

Stacey, I recently was following a conversation on the web about women who choose to remain with their (potentially) abusive partners, and the advice given was to have a plan in place and to establish some firm boundaries that let you know it is time to run. I'm linking a brochure you and your sister might find helpful (bearing in mind that this is a resource from a Canadian province so some parts may not be applicable)

http://www.legal-info-legale.nb.ca/en/uploads/file/pdfs/safety-planning/strategies/Safety%20Plan-Eng-Web.pdf

Dear Golden, I am so sorry to hear about your Niece's death, how tragic to feel so desperate to then take your own life. Life is so not fair to some, and I am sorry for your loss. Hugs Love!

We are dealing with a difficult situation in our own family, my Fave Sister Lorraine is in the midst of a very dysfunctional long term marriage and her husband is having some mental illness issues that he will not deal with in any way, ie; drug and alcohol abuse, sabotaging his own 34 year state job to the point of being fired recently which recently resulted in a mental breakdown and hospitalization, and it has been a living nightmare for her.

Her marriage been dysfunctional and co-dependant for so long that she has had to shut down her emotions and feelings and put up boundaries towards him and their situation and no amount of encouragement and support from us 3 sisters has been of any help to her to leave the marriage, as she feels a certain amount of responsibility to him for fear he will go off the rails and possibly injure himself or even commit suicide should she leave him, keeping her in a very unhealthy place, and even she admits that it is only a matter of time until something bad happens which will result in her having to take action, however I am extremely uncomfortable with her taking that stance on the issue.

All 3 sisters, as well as her own 2 daughters have offered her a place to stay while she gets through a divorce which is a long time coming, help has been offered to help them to sell their home, and all of the family has been supportive to her husband even, they are just no good to one another and haven't been for many years. My husband has been kind and supportive to my BIL, with offers to get him to mental health care, assisting him in job searches as well as SS disability if that is what he would like to inquire, but all offers have been declined, leaving my sister in a constant state of worry and fear of her safety as well as his. My husband was able to get the 2 guns out of the house, as this was part of what brought police to the home, resulting in an involuntary stay (12days) in a mental hospital 3 weeks back, still nothing can be done encourage him to seek help yet.

So sister here this morning, needing a moment's peace from his ranting and ravings, and despite my ( and everyone else's) repeated trying, there is nothing I can do to change this dysfunctional dynamic as I've tried everything I can think of! Just waiting for the next shoe to drop, not a comforting place to be.

BIL was diagnosed with Depression, Bipolar disorder, and Sociopathic behavior and NPD, so he is in desperate need of serious mental treatment, but is refusing all care, but has no problems blaming his diagnosis for his awful behavior, leaving my sister between a rock and a hard place. I fear for her safety, but she refuses to leave him and everything she has worked for all her life, it is a very co-dependant relationship, Ugg!

It is a cruel and painful life with a narcissist.
Golden, that list was helpful.

Frazzeled, so true how they take in any and everyone to build a case against you. Same with my mother and sister.

We have to keep repairing the fences around our hearts and mind.

It really scared me that it took so long to grasp the truth and now trying to learn ways to keep up and rebuild barriers.

Golden (((HUGS))) I'm so sorry for your loss my heart and prayers are with you. I pray your niece is at peace.

I hear you, fraz. "Just trying to live your life..."and "hard to understand the cruelty behind their behavior". 

My earliest memory of these dynamics was sitting on my bedroom floor as a preschooler playing with my toys when suddenly mother descended upon me like the wrath of God and ripped up one side of me and down the other for I'm not sure what. My sis was standing slightly behind her with a little smile on her face while this went on. Mother's anger was to do with something sis had told her about me. I never did understand what it was, All I was doing was playing with my toys.

This theme was played many times during my life till I realised it and significantly reduced contact with both my mother and my sister. Even then nastiness came at me from sis. After she would turn around and smile and deny that anything had happened. Mother would do the same if she had a blow up. You were supposed to forget that it ever happened and carry on normally. I can't do that.

Her daughter (my late niece) said to me recently how cruel, and cold her mother was. I said, "I know. I grew up with her."

There is something wrong with their wiring. It does sound like you need firm boundaries again with your dd. They tread all over your feelings with no regard for you. For me, it has come down to self protection above the family ties that bind,

Hugs, Golden, you are absolutely right about the narc behavior. It's sad and at the same time makes one angry, and for me it's hard to understand the cruelty behind their behavior.

I am dealing right now with my oldest daughter who is totally enmeshed with Ngrandmother and Nsis, whom I had reconnected with around Christmas time and we had stayed in touch since. Her behavior sometimes resembles theirs as well.

A few days before the baby was born, we went to a game night with some ladies from my church and then that weekend went to a movie together. She told me she had moved out of Ngrandmother's house "because of all the drama" and had moved in with her boyfriend (another drama-filled situation, come to find out).

Later, when I was in the hospital recovering from a C-section after baby was born, she texted me at 2 am saying how she was so upset because she had gotten into it with her boyfriend and with my sis and that sis told her to just "f-ing call your mother" and that she could just walk to work. Apparently my sister has been letting my daughter use her car. That's the MO. When I refused to tolerate disrespectful behavior a couple of years ago and set strong boundaries, my daughter moved in with the narcs who were only too happy to swoop in and enable her and make me the bad guy. And of course grandmother talked her out of going away to college in favor of staying close by, despite the fact that she had scholarships. In fact, my daughter dropped out of classes altogether, and I think has only recently re-enrolled in a class or two. Just sad to see her give up her dreams because of what grandmother wants.

On Mother's Day, I had sent her a nice poem that I had found about how much my kids mean to me and I sent it to her to be thoughtful, not necessarily expecting mother's day wishes or a response. But it hurt my feelings that her response was, "Well, I'm finally glad I was born for once in my life, and for the lessons I have learned. Everything I have been through has made me who I am today." I told her, "I've always been glad you were born." She replied, "Thank you, I'm glad I was too." No idea what her problem is/was, but she texted me yesterday asking if she could come hug the baby since SIL told her that baby was now home.

She does this often, will say mean and hurtful things and then text later and act like nothing was ever said. I asked her if she was angry about something and told her that her text on Mother's Day hurt my feelings. She responded with a bunch of hurtful ranting, saying that I let my mother die because I didn't take good enough care of her, I should never have been a parent, and she said that my SIL made some comments about me and hubs and our marriage also. And a bunch of other mean things. I just told her that I love her but I'm not going to argue with her amd haven't responded anymore, even though she is still sending ranting texts today.

Hubs asked his sister and she said my daughter was lying, and texted me that she doesn't know why I believed my daughter, that as an adult and knowing how my daughter is, I should know better, etc etc. I'm not going to argue with her either. She's said things in the past that make me believe some of it she actually did say, plus she knows what we've been through with our daughter, so why is she telling her our business?

I've finally come to the realization that I think I am going to have to just go no contact with my own child for the time being. She's an extension of the other narcs who are using her to get to me, I'm sure. I am just trying to live my life without all the drama.

glad, sharyn and others - I know that suicide has affected you deeply.

sissi - I have wondered why you call your mum so much when you always get upset by the calls.

tg - I hope you find a good counsellor to help you with the dad problem. It is not going to get easier.

thx, heart. Yes we are only human and we do need to look after ourselves.

gershun - glad to hear you are building boundaries with your family. You have had a lot of grief from them. At one point I visualized a brick wall and planted climbing roses against it. I may have to go back to that. You are right that as we age we lose more and more people.

answry - sorry to hear about your mum. Hope hospice will be very helpful. Disgusted with family dynamics is the norm here, I think. I have lost many people too. It means I have to rely on God more .

The hardest part so far in the grief of losing my niece is anger at my sis. Narcs see only what serves them, My nephew was the golden child, who miraculously broke away from her, and was disinherited by his mother for doing so. My niece was the servant child, who was never able to break out of that role. She remained in an unhealthy relationship with her mother and suffered great emotional pain due to that. I know the pain as I suffered it due to the treatment I received from my mother and my sister. Narcs jerk you around if you let them, I finally learned to distance myself. That did not get rid of all the pain, but made contact with them tolerable - barely.

The sun is shining today and a rose that with permission we dug a root of - actually three roots - from the garden at mother's last alf has survived the winter. I will pull some dead stuff and see it the other two are growing. It had a lovely pink blossom 🌸 and the best scent I am smelled in a rose here for a long time. When I move I will take it with me. The landscapers have raked, aerated, mowed, weeded and feeded over the past few days and given me a 50% discount as I am an old lady. Can't do better than that! Can't remember if I have already mentioned that. I asked them for it as the appliance tech gave me a discount. Doesn't hurt to ask. Getting bolder as I get older!!!

Take care all. Have a good day today. It's all you've got.

answry, I think as you get older you lose people along the way. Such is life. It doesn't make it any easier knowing this but rest assured you are in good company.

I've lost a Father, a brother, my mom, my first love when I was very young, a B I L, you name it. I know I'll lose more down the road. I wouldn't think of it as God taking people from me. It's just life. We lose people and have to somehow manage to go on.

Stay strong!

Mom entered hospice this week. I’m unsure of the decision but with the help of regular home health, we got it done. I look at mom and wonder if she’ll still be with us this year.  Dad is still hostile and not just with me. I plan to ask social worker or the chaplain to work with him. I am finding myself disgusted with the family dynamics and then sad about mom. Sister is still hostile toward me. She started such mess the other day that I thought police would have to be called in but everyone finally settled down.

Back to mom. She asked me today, did you wash the dog? I happily replied, he all washed up and peacefully sleeping. Yesterday she told me before leaving to plait my hair and get some sleep when I get home (I plait her hair). Honestly I am dying inside.

I’m just wondering why God seem to take away everyone I’m close too. My younger brother, one of my older sisters, my grant-mother in law, and now mom seems to be leaving unless she turns around, and dad seems to have abandoned me after all we've been through together.

Sleep is needed. Going to go and try to get some.

Golden, you are right. You keep those boundaries up.

I've just started building my boundaries with those in my family who'd like to mess with my well being. It's not a strong wall yet but it's getting there.

I'm busy putting my oxygen mask on and can't hold anyone else's on for them. Leading by example I guess.

My heart and prayers are with you Golden. I like the list you put on here... I need to instill these things in me also. We are only human and can give and take so much. Take care of yourself... (and, everyone here). 🌹🌹🌹

TG, on a macro level, you appear to think that folks, starting with your dad, can percieve/see what you are seeing without being told.

That was a huge problem for me, before therapy. I just assumed that everyone was seeing the world through my eyes. And that when they didnt do " the right thing" it was because they were in some way ignoring or insulting me.

Understand that not everyone pays attention to or values what you do. It's a starting point. Also consider the possibility of cognitive decline.

Hi all - thx for the support. I'm OK . Having some tears over my niece which I didn't over mother. I think I had cried enough over the years that there were no more left for her. Feeling very sad for my niece. I have no doubt the the house issues she went through with her mother in the last months were a significant factor in her suicide, the last straw so to speak, on top of a lifelong dysfunctional relationship.

I have had a few emails from my sis looking to increase our contact. I understand where she is coming from but cannot afford to get any closer to her than I am. In fact I need more distance. She now has lost the two main players in her game - her (our) mother and her daughter, and I know she is looking to recruit me in as a substitute. That would be like drinking poison and I have no intention of downing the cool aid.

I came across this today and it spoke loudly to me.

Tg, and some others, you might take it to heart

NOT MY JOB:
fix or save people
be liked
do it all
please everyone
hold it together

MY JOB
love people
be authentic
take the next step
speak my truth
breathe

Good guidelines for healthy relationships and a healthy self.

I had a burst of activity yesterday and ploughed through a pile of mother's mail, sorted it and will shortly address the outstanding issues. Feels good to have gotten this far

Take care all. Look after yourselves.

TG, you have something against this lady based, in fact, on what you have heard about her from reliable and concerned sources.

But to your father, it looks like you've got something against his having fun with a lady companion. He thinks this is a game.

Would it not be better to share the information with him? He thinks you want to stop him having fun, but what you actually want is to stop him being mugged. Say so.

My B I L who committed suicide was always the life of every party. And yet, when he and my sister divorced he became lost. His own immediate family were a nightmare. His father abusive, his sister a prostitute. When he felt he had lost all of us as a family I think he felt he had no where to turn. He had phoned my mother a few times after the divorce, reaching out no doubt. My mom didn't respond probably in loyalty to my sister. Not that it may have made any difference. Very sad.

Suicide stays with all in a family for their lives. Lost my dad when I was twelve. Not a day passes that I don't shake my head and wonder what the heck. The things he missed through growing up years, children and grands and even greatgrands. Broke my grandma's heart, he was an only and a very depressed person. I wasn't surprised, but it did not make it easier.😢

Golden, so sad. I am so sorry. The fact that you are not surprised about this news says it all I guess.

My sister's first husband committed suicide and I was not surprised when I heard that news either.

Please feel free to vent to me and everyone Golden. No need to always be so strong as I know you are.

(((((Golden))))

Golden, I am so sorry for your loss. As one whose family has been touched by suicide several times, I believe I can understand your sadness, and the shock. Please take gentle care.

Golden - that is horrid. You have my deepest sympathies.

Golden, I am so so sorry for your loss. I understand your shock. Prayers for you and your family. Sending (((hugs)))!

Tg, my mom's doc said she was fine, too.

Took a geriatric doc about 30 secs to send mom to a geri psych. Took geri psych another 30 secs to send mom for a neurocognitive evaluation.

My mom was not fine.

And yes. I was the bad guy, for a while. You know what? Being an adult is being the bad guy sometimes. When it's the right ( not the easy) thing to do, it's a tad easier.

What's wrong with being the bad guy?

Havent spoken to his Dr. lately. He would say he is fine anyway.... everyone does. I tried before, the doc then talks to him and I am yet again the bad guy. No one knows when to keep their mouth closed.
I got myself into this by having him live with me but there was no choice. Again, if I left him to his own device then I'd be the bad guy.

TG, with that list of issues your dad has, are you still claiming that he has no cognitive issues?

Have you spoken to his doctor about his steady decline?

Golden, I am sorry to hear of your loss, that is terrible news. My deepest sympathy to you.
As far Country mouse, not too sure dad is aware of his friends track record and it is not rumor, I know from experience and families affected advising me so, more than one. I am sure it is not intentional but she is looking out for herself. She is not a bad person just nosy and I am not thrilled with her in the picture. She wiggles her way into peoples lives. She is already trying to get an invite to our daughters wedding which will not happen, this is way it is. Our daughter is friends with her daughter at church. She is trying to get into my family and I wont stand for it. As long as he has company fine but I draw the line at my house. My wife asked him last night at dinner not to invite her to our picnic this weekend. He didn't say a word.
I know I am being petty but I have no privacy and I am stuck here 24 hours a day as I work from home so I am around it all day long.
Yesterday was a pretty tough day for me.
My biggest issue is not being able to get vacation away from all the stress. Pretty much the stress is self driven so finding a way to confront it is difficult.
Getting tired of supplying everything, cleaning up pee on the bathroom floor when I go to use it, fighting over doors open or closed. Cleaning up, smelling his terrible smelling bedroom in the rest of the house or looking at his dirty laundry sitting in a bag in his living room floor for days on end. Yeah that kind of stress.

Golden...I'm so sorry to hear about your Niece and that youv'e had another loss in your family.
Many,many {{{hugs}}}

Golden,
Sorry for your loss. Yes, tragic.

Oh, Golden! I'm so very sorry. ((((((Hugs)))))).

So sorry for this trajedy, Golden

Ohmygod, Golden, what terrible news.

Do you know what happened?