The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Hugs, Golden, I'm so sorry.

That's sad news for sure, Golden. I'm sorry for your niece. Life is tough for everyone, but Life is incredibly tough for those who have parents who continue emotionally hurting them throughout their life. Not everyone is successful in drawing healthy boundaries. I hope your niece is at peace now.

So sorry Golden. Will be praying for you. HUG

Oh, Golden, I am so sorry! HUGS.

Well, it doesn't stop does it? Just got news that my niece committed suicide. I know the troubles she was having with her mother (my sis) had sent her into a downward spiral. I am shocked but not surprised.

TG, WHY doesn't your father know about his lady friend's track record of gold-digging? Either it's true, and you're sure of that, and he needs to know. Or it's a rumour and it wants putting to bed one way or the other.

I think if I were... friends... with a widowed gentleman, much as I might wish to console him on the anniversary of his loss I wouldn't think it particularly sensitive to do that at his son's house. She wins no points with me on that score. But did she know?

Just an FYI on my friends child, the child is 26 years old. He had a break down after college and wont work or fix the issue. He has started part time but it still living with them. Very similar.
Dads lady friend stopped by today and he invited her to sit by the pool for coffee, of course after she was here and by the pool he came down to ask if it was OK. I was fuming by then (working in my basement office) and kept totally silent. He got my drift very quickly. The sad thing is today is my moms birthday., I know I am being petty but I wish he had some sense of people around him but he doesn't care anymore. I know I am being petty. Personally I dont like this lady, she has a track record of gold digging he doesn't know about. And to boot I had oral surgery today so I am really not in any mood to fight let alone talk!

I am trying to keep up to date. Having the ups and downs. Today is my mother's birthday. She is 83. I used to cook a holiday meal and buy a nice cake and ice cream and invite anyone close to her. Did this every year since before my son.
This year I am a tad down, I really dont feel like doing anything, the house is going down and this year I am not doing all the cleaning as I used to do. I am not making a pretense of the situation. Its only my "aunt" Jean a close friend of my mothers and Mari my cousin who used to idolize my mother when she was younger. Anyway we do utube and play gospel, old songs, everyones favorites like gypsy women, and tequilla!. I am just going to order out from a icon rib play in area. Still debating on traveling to get the cake or just get one from the food town. Sometimes, I just feel old and tired.
This morning when I got in I wished my mother a happy birthday all happy, kissed her and told her about plan for a little party for her on friday as I tried to get her to eat. Well when I came down later she has all kind of icecream out the freezer, just buzzing away in and out of fridge.

TG, talking to someone will help you.

For me I know it took a lot of sabatoge and ugliness for me to see my mother and sister for who they were and how they really felt about me. Then it almost broke my heart and spirit. Now I cant drop my mother, that is a different kind of love and as far as my sister and nephew, that is a done deal.I was listening to a like prayer partner sent on utube - Lisa Nichols - how to turn your fear into fuel. well after all those yes yes, there was a good message. For me I am working towards knowing their negative and wrong perspective of me does not dictate who I am and once I really see this clearly It really wont matter what they think, I am giving them to much credit to think they will ever correct themselves. I cant change them but I am working on me slowly, painfully and surely.

Gershun, I understand the frustration with your brother's situation.

Glad, again, I enjoyed the progress around your knew home. It sounds exciting and a fun , hard project.

I did get a little down and well since the parental controls are on my favorite shows at my mother I went back to watching my religious channel. And what was the main subject of the first one I watched. How the the mind is powerful and how the enemy attacks our mind to break us down. so we think how bad we are, how ugly, fat, what ever or he uses whats close to us to form the attack. It was so good and uplifting. Even my mother was repeating the affirmations, I wish I could elaborate but right now I can just say it was good. I love Td Jakes,
Joyce Myer and Joseph Prince. Olsteen too. So if anyone is reallty down I would suggest checking these guys out. It really helped me way before I found this forum and especially when I first moved back into my mothers house into her and my twisted's realm of narcissism

Rays of love and light to all. Smile. It's awesome.

Tg, here's the first test of the new resolve to set boundaries. Logical consequences - if you tell Dad that the car cannot be taken out of state and he does it anyway, what will the consequence be? Also, if your dad has lost some cognitive functioning, you might want to ride with him a couple times and assess his driving.

TG, a person who is having issues with their child and going to therapy is in a very different boat from you. Just fot starts, they have a legal obligation to that child. Your obligation to house, feed and care for your dad is a voluntarily undertaken obligation.

You seem to think your dad is being purposefully oppositional. You are not considering the idea that he's lost some cognitive functioning.

Ttherapy will help you sort out the stuff you have control over, and what you don't. And perhaps alternate ways of getting yours and his needs met.

TG, I think what you need is a way to set boundaries with effective consequences without feeling like you are a bad person, which all of us following your story know is the opposite of the truth. ((hugs))

I will research some options. I have a very close friend going through the exact issues as me but with an age difference, Their son vs a parent. Same issues we are having. They are all in therapy and it is expensive. I will look at some of the facilities in town and ask today.
Rough week, very close friends anniversary who passed a number of years ago, moms birthday in a couple days are all reminders.
Anyway, come home a dad is rummaging through his stuff in the garage he put there after he cleaned his car out (his car crapped out and now driving my daughters car temporarily) looking for his GPS, "Why, where are you going?", "ahhh, no where, I just wanted it".... Nope, the man does not just want something, he is up to something.... Guess I have to put my foot down on the car not going out of state, My car My insurance!
He is still doing the opposite of what we do in the house. When I ask to have the doors in the laundry open to dry clothes, he closes them. Ask not to drive on the lawn and he still does. Ask to turn off lights when he leaves and he leaves them on, Just like a child when you say no they do the opposite. How do I combat that with talking to a therapist! He is still doing what he wants and that is OK, has his lady friend so it gets him out of the house but he is sly about it all now..... I dont want or need to know as long as it doesn't come back on me.

Sissisu, practise saying this

"Call me when you're in a rational mood." Then mime putting the phone down.

Keep doing that until it feels natural. Then apply it to future phone calls.

God alone knows how anyone would think that she can make you fonder of her or more attentive to her wants by insulting and abusing you. But if I'm really honest? - I don't either understand why you are prepared to engage in this kind of conversation.

Your mother is amusing herself by tormenting you verbally. She doesn't want you to move, to stay, to do anything. She wants to play the game of saying hurtful things to someone she can rely on to be hurt and who will respond as desired. The only way to stop it is... not to play.

Do I sound as if I think your mother is so appalling that I don't care about her? I do care. I am very sorry to imagine any human being who has no better purpose in her life, no more enjoyable occupation for her time, than the habit of torturing her child. I hate to think how she got like this. Probably it was not her doing, not to begin with, not mainly. But CERTAINLY it was none of your doing; and your comfort and wellbeing we can do something about. Hers..? Trickier.

Well, I called Mom tonight and she was in just an AWFUL mood - angry, ragey. You talk, because I <sniff> cannot. I am not well. I said well, I'll let you go so you can take care of yourself. KaBOOM! I cannot take care of myself.....hands, arms, etc. I then said what you need is to see a doctor, and I'll take you. "How am I to get there?" I repeated that I'd take her. No you won't. You never take off time for me. (I have taken off entire weeks for her). It deteriorated into her litany of how I'm selfish, I'm an awful daughter, only think of myself, etc. I stayed calm for a good part of it, saying I have a right to my own life (she scoffed at that - your own life? - what about my life!!). I then said look, the only thing that may make you happy is for me to sell my house and move back there. "There you go jumping off the deep end again, you can't be told anything!" Then she said I needed to know I wasn't perfect, I am quite aware I am not perfect. Everything I said, she had a snide comeback and that all I wanted to do was to 'run her down'. I hadn't said a word to her except for her to take care of herself and she went off. I heard everything anyone had done to her ever - all over again (heard the same stuff many times). It was an rambling rant, with no purpose I think except to throw me off and she had a woe is me moment. She then said something about going to the dentist, which I said was ironic. Basically, she said she'd taken me several times to the dentist, but it was so difficult for her to drive there, plus it wasn't a big deal about my teeth (being crooked). If I was so concerned, I should've spoken up then. When she was constantly saying I wonder what that bill will be - as in oh it'll be high and it'll be all your fault. Wow. It was a big deal to me. Then she went into why a single person would want a 2 story house...….I said fine, if it makes you happy, I'll sell my house, Will that make you happy? Because all you do every other day is yell at me. (Oh she had to tell me how she'd gotten me things during my life, paid for school - which my dad had insisted on - otherwise, yeah she wouldn't have done so, and how she helped move me). I said everything you did had strings attached - and nothing is ever enough to pay you back. She said she doesn't yell at me, I'm the nasty one. (This is all NARC 101, which I realize). She kept going on about my house. She said I know why you got a 2 story house (so she couldn't visit - she can't do the stairs - except she could when I bought it - plus, I'm not that smart). Then again she said I had no business buying a house without 'someone' advising me or going to houses with me. Basically, she wanted to go along, and then would veto each one. I said again, I looked for 4 to 5 years before I bought this house, secondly there are not many 1 story new homes or homes in this area that I'd want. "Oh there are 1 story houses there!" I then lost it, saying oh of course you know this area! You know everything I should do!
She then hung up.
I don't get it. Her goal is apparently for me to do more for her, go there more often. Why would I want to be chastised and belittled no matter what I do? It honestly is like going into a morgue or funeral home there. She has most of the blinds not open a lot (hard for her to open/close), typically in a bad mood when I get there, maybe pouting, then the heat is on high. If I sit down for a few minutes, I'm being lazy. If I ask how she wants something - I'm being stupid or complaining.
I used to be very upset when blowing up, but right now, I'm just numb. So used to being yelled at that it's the new norm. I guess I need to be more gray stone, and just let it bounce off of me. Thanks for letting me vent again.

TG, I thumped away at the like button for about half a minute (still only got 1 like, though, meanies) then scuttled off to look things up in your locale.

You are not short of options. But whoah just a minute: spend a little while visualising outcomes. Talking to somebody will help because after that...?

I will be able to handle the stress better.
I will feel less helpless in this situation.
I will feel less helpless about changing the situation.
I will be more optimistic about alternatives.

Retirement communities may well be able to recommend experienced counsellors. They will certainly have people you can discuss the whole issue of care planning and caregiving with. But I wouldn't rule out seeing a therapist.

You say this is more about you, not about him. YES! IT IS!!! It is ALL about how you manage his care while protecting yourself and your wife and your shared way of life. My personal feeling, remembering from way back, is that you're here feeling as you do because you have a serious difficulty with how to say no without feeling like a cruel worm.

Therapy does not involve trudging to the office for months on end and talking about ink blots. Not any more. It is far more focused on practical techniques for measurable gains, and you're talking about an agreed number of sessions towards an agreed outcome. There are at least two groups in your town who offer wide-ranging services and list the insurers who cover them. Do have a look, do think about calling them before you rule them out.

Call one of the retirement facilities (Assisted Living?) and ask to speak with the social worker on staff. S/He should have a list of folks who see people with the sorts of issues you are having.

Do you have medical insurance? This should be a covered service, with a copay. No, you don't want to break the bank, but therapy isn't forever.

Good therapy is worth its weight in gold. It keeps on giving; when done properly, it not only helps you solve the "presenting problem" it gives you the tools and clarity to help with whatever life throws at you.

Guessing I should finally talk to someone about my issues with living with dad. They seem to be getting worse (on my end). I dont want to break the bank on hourly office visits. Not sure how to find someone who I can talk to that will understand. Anyone have ideas on how to looking for someone to talk about this to? I dont want to go to a meeting with a group and talk in a circle. This is more about me than him. Ideas? We are chalk full of retirement facilitates in my town maybe start there?

Sissisu, my Dad had numb/tingly thumb & first 2 fingers on hand, other hand a bit better but thumb & smallest finger tingly too. Tried physio, osteo & had scans. Best medical guess: Carpel tunnel (both wrists) plus 'trigger finger' in fingers. Specialist seen (plastic/reconstruction surgeon). Surgery suggested (one hand at a time).

It was really impacting his life. Was dropping drinks, could hardly cut his food. I was worried about his holding the steering wheel when driving!

Day surgery now done & thumb & fingers have regained full function.

There was a theory of pinched nerves from shoulder area, but in my Dad's case that was ruled out. Sounds like a few investigations need to be done for your Mother.

My Dad is quite anti-surgery but is so pleased it got this done. He is back to his independant self - otherwise, no driving & not feeding himself was on the horizon!

Here I thought Mom would be in an okay mood at least; she has 'things going on' this weekend - new appliance being delivered on Sunday. Brother will be there since she doesn't want to be alone with delivery guys.
She was in a pity party mood tonight when I called her. Her shoulders and hands are hurting. At least 3 fingers have some numbness. I've tried to get her to a doctor, even a local chiropractor that advertised as having good results with hand issues, such as hers. I said let's make an appointment, first appointment is free as a consult. She then backed out of it. I've had great results in prior years with a local chiro here for back problems.
She started off about her hands/shoulders hurting, onto how cold church was - why would pastor have the a/c on today? It was 85 outside, that's why. She did say most people did not have jackets on like she did. It's all this younger generation's (meaning me) fault. My brother also put on a jacket and admitted to her yes, church was cold. I think he just agreed and put on jacket to keep the peace. I've been with them there, and it wasn't cold at all. It's just that she's older, her circulation is not as good, so she gets colder easier.
So tonight, I heard no one knows what I'm going through, it's not fair. The wrong person died (meaning she should have instead of my dad). My fingers are useless. I don't know why I got a new shower, I can't do it much longer. I'm sure part of it is her way of trying to get me to say oh come live with me (not happening). The pain would still be there regardless of where she lived, but I guess she'd expect me to wait on her all the time. She says she's handicapped. No, she can get around, and she is able to feed herself at her favorite restaurants. I'm sure that it does hurt, but anything I get her - from arthritis creams to heating pads, she won't use. Oh, it doesn't help. She expects instant relief. That's not how it works, and I've told her that, having chronic back issues myself. I have to use a heating pad and do relaxation methods that work, but the pain sometimes does not go away for hours.
Anyhow, she was diagnosed with a torn rotator cuff in one shoulder (most likely both shoulders now). Her GP said no to any surgery, given her age. I think she really vetoed it as a neighbor who was the same age at that time had it done, and was 100% better. But, that was a good 4 to 5 years ago, so no way now. Her fingers - thumb, index, middle fingers, are numb. She keeps saying they feel fuzzy or furry. I've googled until I can't google any more, and I don't see a clear cut diagnosis. Any idea on what type of specialist would be beneficial? I would offer to take time off of work and take her if it'd help her at all. She does not like her GP one bit, so suggesting she go there is kind of a waste of time. The best he did for her was to get those compression gloves, which she wears once in a while at night ("they don't help").
I would lay out that the trip is off unless she goes to whatever doctor; not there to do her gardening. (I would set up the doctor appointment). She finally spoke to her landscaper, who surprise (not) is now behind schedule. She really wants me to do it. I had contact my 'guy' in March; my flower beds are all nice and tidy now. He came out this week, as his time to work has been limited by all the rain we've had. That is precisely why I contacted him early.
I ended the call very cordially this time, telling her I hoped she felt better, so at least I didn't blow up.
Any suggestions welcomed.

I get it, I am trying here to not give in. I ask him not to do things and he does the opposite. "Pop, dont drive on the lawn when you are backing the car out beacuse I am trying to grow grass". 5 minutes later with a 40 foot by 30 foot open parking area with no cars in it he drives over the lawn. "Im going out with my lady friend to a show today" "OK, you have money?", he says it doesn't cost anything... OK then... have fun! I cant wait until the end of the month and he asks for money because this is going to be the big NO and have a sit down. This is the MO with this lady she gets people to take her out, He has no clue I do my research.
It is hard living in this situation. The stress is huge and he comes and goes like a free spirit.... no worries...... Times are changing, they have to or I wont be here to manage things.
My mom did coddle him, I get it, she worked her butt of and rightfully so did he but he spent trying to keep up with others and now he is doing the same. This is why when he moved in I had to take MY credit card away from him, yes MY credit card becasue he couldn't get one. I knew if he had it it would be maxed out in a month and I would have to pay it yet again. My mom asked me to get one so he could buy materials for his business (while she was alive). So between her and I we got it managed, as soon as she passed I got it back becasue I have a very high credit score becasue I pay my cards on time and have one revolving card, the others get paid off each month. I learned from them.
Thankfully my mom worked up until she passed and had great medical insurance. He is at the Dr.s once to twice a week, At least at this point he is in reasonably good health aside of the mobility issues.
The biggest issue is its all about him right now..... Not very good for us. Thanks for letting me vent, that is all it is, yes I am taking a harder stance, I have to.

Love the chemical analogy, Countrymouse. 👍🏼

Gershun,

Sometimes I feel that there is/was a target on my back as well. My brother had always bullied me and my mother never told my dad and she never did anything about. This is just another reason why I don't have my brother in my life.

I agree with CM. You don't need these people in your life. If they can't treat you with respect, compassion, and love then they need to go. I have 2 big rules in my life: 1) people must treat me with respect because that is how I treat them. 2) NO toxic people allowed in my life.

My I suggest a book called "Life Code" by Dr. Phil Mc Graw. It is an easy read and I found it to be most helpful in this world we live in today. I think it could help you see your family and yourself much clearer. In my opinion this is the best & most helpful book Dr. Phil has ever written.

You deserve so much better. To bad that your famliy doesn't see just how valuable you really are.


Hugs!

Gershun reading what you just posted made me see red and want to rush over there and give them, as children, such a slap. I was just about to start swapping stories of older sibling abuse and then realised - everything that's made me feel better over the last couple of years has been the result of cutting them out. Forgetting is better.

All I can say about giving them the benefit of the doubt is: it's wonderful when you stop.

I don't even have to have opinions or reasons any more. I have come to see us as chemicals. Fine and useful in our individual ways, no doubt, but stinky and toxic in combination. Best kept apart!

TG, your mom apparently enabled your dad her whole married life. You are continuing that tradition.

Only you can change this. Let him go bankrupt. He has no assets to attach.

Countrymouse you are right on both points. My family have a lower compassion threshold and are callous and unfeeling.

I don't have to do much to paint a target on my back with them. I think my compassion for people in general, not just family sets me apart from them.

They've always been mean. As far as I can remember. I don't recall a time when they were not like this. I remember my younger brother standing outside my bedroom door when I was a kid and imitating me crying instead of asking me what was wrong. Or my sister walking two feet behind me when we were walking to school cause I was getting bullied and she didn't want to be seen with me. Or her saying to her friend at a bar when we were older "I don't usually hang out with her" meaning me.

Why I 've continued to give them the benefit of the doubt over the years I don't know. But yeah, I think I was born with a target on my back.

Thank you Golden. I hear you. This whole thing with my brother has once again opened my eyes to the lack of family support there is with my clan.

Oh well, at least I know what to expect should something ever happen to me. NADA!

Sorry that you found Mother's day hard. This seemed to be a particularly hard one for a lot of people.

(((((gershun))))))) - I guess you just have to do your thing apart from them, This kind of division is not nice but out of your control. I am sorry that your bros outlook is not great,

glad - so good to hear about your son, What a blessing for you.

margeaux - thanks

heart look after yourself as best you can

tg - glad to hear that the bank of son is closed

hugs to everyone - we got through mother's day

Last weekend was hard for me with father's birthday and 5 months since mother passed happening on the same day, (Friday) then 2 days later Mother's Day.That day, as usual, hit me over the death of my son more than anything else. Now the finality of mother's passing produced by dealing with paperwork is hitting me. Maybe time to go for a walk in the sunlight.

I am not sure I will go down east for the interment. I can send the urn and ashes. My bil is doing the service. At the most, besides my sis and bil, there will be two cousins there, one of which I don't care to see, nor do I care to see my sis. Right now I need to be done. Too much is too much. However,I won't make a final decision yet

Take care all.

No disrespect intended, but the similarities here to raising a teenager are everywhere. What did we tell our kids? You have your allowance so if you need more money, you do more chores/get a part time job/wait till next allowance day.

The thing is he's not going to sink. - you may not be subsidizing his dates, his outings, his trips to Mexico. But he will still have 3 meals a day, a warm, safe place to live, a car he isn't paying for, fully stocked kitchen and laundry room. You need to be ready to say "I'm done" and stand behind it. You need to be a duck and let everyone else's comments roll off of you (if he chooses to throw you under the bus). If he incurs overdraft fees, then that $35 a shot will decrease his next month's fun money.

Btw, your situation is NOT "just a difference of opinion". It is that your father is spoiled, entitled and will keep taking as long as you keep shelling out. You do NOT need to keep adjusting your attitude, while allowing his boorish ways. You don't want him using the doors near your office? Then set up a key station and coat hook near the door you DO want him to use.

The key here is credible threat - he's going to think if he keeps doing what he's doing, you'll cave in. So you have to stand your ground every single time, regardless of how much it wears you down.

T, just tell him you know his situation, and you are sorry but you cannot HELP him at this time.. but if he wants to spend time with his "lady friend" she can pay, or they are welcome to spend time at your house,, doing free things like watching TV... or sitting on the deck "talking". You are not obligated to pay his way.. he is basically living rent free, and she is enjoying his paying her way.

Contrary to the normal response: don't tell, ask.

"Dad, how much money do you have in your account to last you until June Xth?"

If he evades, rambles or demands to know why you're asking, tell him how much money you have had to give him this year, and tell him it's not funny any more. Say, in your own words:

"I do not have the budget for this. I am telling you that I will not bail you out again. Could you repeat that back to me, please? - because I am recording it for future reference the next time you ask me."

And stop scrabbling around for reasons why you're not prepared to sub him. Never mind your extra bills, you shouldn't sub him because you shouldn't sub him, not even if you were as rich as Croesus. He should live within his - very adequate, given that you house him - budget, same as everyone else, and has the man no pride?