The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Ah TG, I'm sorry I snapped at you, I just want you to take better care of yourself. I won't bother you any more.

Yesterday was 5 months since mother passed, and coincidentally, my father's birth date. This strange grieving process had me missing my father a lot. It was a difficult day. I went to the hairdresser for my regular cut and colour and when I looked in the mirror I saw my mother looking back at me. OK, not really, but there was a little likeness around the eyes. I never resembled my mother, more, her mother , (my maternal grandmother), and she (mother) looked more like her father. But it was there and rather eerie at that. I looked strained from the past winter's stresses and that was part of the likeness. Mother rarely looked relaxed.

Relaxing is something I have to work on, and being able to get out to walk will be a big part of it. Reading my detective series is another. I am transported to Botswana daily and enjoy it immensely.

Finally, I think I have the dose and regime for melatonin which will work for the fm pain without giving me too bad side effects. I get a very strange head in the mornings if I don't manage it right.

I had a bonus this week. The parts for the stove came and the repair man did the work yesterday. He hung out with my middle son many, many years ago and has always done a good job with my appliances. We chatted about losing parents and grandparents. I knew his dad, from a job dad (who was a excellent carpenter) had done for me years ago. . He asked me if I was retired! Hah! Many years ago. He had trouble believing I was the age I was, but then said seniors get discounts don't they? How much ? 15%? I didn't disagree. ( I could have bought a new stove for the price of the repairs but it would have been hard and costly to arrange a different type of ventilation,) He seemed quite pleased to offer that to me. As well as repairing the stove, he took the oven door off and cleaned the glass for me, That was a real bonus too, so I did well.

Dgd (deargranddaughter) came over and we cooked a meal together. The next day she came and did a little work for me getting books into boxes for donation to the library. Moving on that slowly, but moving.

Thinking on it, I don't want to be present when the house is showed for sale. It's too much for me with my unpredictable energy and pain levels, so my present plan is to scale down the furniture in it, (leave enough for showing), move what I need to south, store it there, and rent a place to stay in the south until my house here is sold. Then with the proceeds, I will be able to buy without getting a mortgage. Much less pressure all around.

DD and I will do lunch together next week to celebrate Mother's Day. I think I will buy myself flowers as all the mothers I used to send flowers to have passed.

🌺🌹🌷🌼🌸 for everyone here! Havea good day.

Happy Mother's Day weekend, all, if that is appropriate on this thread. If nothing else, do something special for you,

I think that venting is one of the purposes of this forum. Offering ideas and alternatives for the problems voiced is too. Sometimes we need to go over and over what is bothering us until we finally hear ourselves and open our minds to other solutions, or we don't, if we are not ready. No one can force another person to change.

Setting boundaries with a narc parent or other family member is difficult, but not impossible. I wish I had set more sooner, but then hindsight is always 20/20. Some of the opinions offered by friends were helpful, and some weren't.

sissi and tg - you have a place here to vent. Some of us will offer solutions sometime - take what helps and leave the rest.

sharon - I am not altogether surprised about your son. I hope things work out for the best for him. Glad bro is doing well. Hope you and the rest of your family are,

gershun - how's your brother?

margeaux - sorry about your girlfriend. It's a horrible diagnosis. I have lost a couple of girlfriends to cancer. It's so sad.

duck - nice to have some good moments with your mum. Keep looking after yourself.

girlsaylor - hope you get the dr thing worked out

heart - nice to see you posting How are you doing?

tg - I am concerned about the effects of the stress of caregiving on you and your wife. She already had a cardiovascular event.

sissi - give yourself all the breaks you need. The drama from these type of people is exhausting. Build up your life apart from her as much as possible. I know it is difficult as they want to be the centre of your universe. It's a challenge.

glad - nice story lol. Hope work and settling into your new home are going well. Has the landscaping started?

Finally we are having some warmer weather. So great to be able to walk in the sunshine without wind, snow, and a chill in the air.

Sissi, at least your mom keeps her brain active?😊 Not in the way you would like, our elderly often keep their brains and mouths going by keeping track of those they can see. Often, the unknowing neighbors. Think you need a break? It sounds like it.

A story, sometimes this does serve a purpose. Sitting down for a meal one day while caring for mom. The table sits in front of a picture window with great view of a few neighbors houses. One home had someone ring the bell, mom watching very closely, it was the most exciting thing to happen in quite awhile. The neighbor wasn't home so the visitor went away. Mom kept talking about this person what they were wearing, etc, and on and on.

Later in the day the police were ringing our bell to ask if we saw anything strange at the house across the street, it had been burglarized. Of course mom had forgotten all about what she had paid such close attention to, but because she did, I was able to tell police something. Probably more than I did had I paid more attention to mom.

Sissi, try to turn off your hearing when you are sick of listening to mom. Or, banter back, try to make it a fun interaction for yourself, instead of increasing your frustration and blood pressure.

Well, the day after I hung up on Mom, she called me endlessly the next day. I didn't know because I'd blocked her on my phone. She didn't leave a message, so didn't know until I unblocked her. It was all sunshine and roses for a day or so, which yeah, because she wanted something from me. I was actually planning on going there this weekend. Got stuff done last night errand wise so I'd be ready to go early this morning.
Called her last night. Oh I'm sooooo busy! I can't talk much. Ok, fine. She'd been working on arranging her fake flowers for outside planters (looks crappy but means I don't have to maintain them, so go fake flowers!). She couldn't redo one, so trashed it. Ok, whatever. Then had to (HAD to) watch the neighbors because it was garbage day (I get a full accounting of who put out trash, how full the bins were, who put their cans in timely (and not). Well some neighbors put out recycling, and it was not recycling day. The horror. She actually called one neighbor, and said oh you're confusing me, is it recycling this week (alternates weekly). That was a big fat lie, as she knew it wasn't a recycling week; she just wanted to call them out (basically neener neener, I'm better than you). Then went into what is going on with her neighbors. They're sloppy - that's a given - trash all inside garage, upkeep on place is just about none. There's a lot of people in and out of the house, but they have teenagers. She sat and watched the comings and goings of some yesterday, which she said the teen girl came out and talked with one guy a while. Ok, probably her friends. No, now she thinks they are running a boardinghouse. The guy was there maybe 20 minutes, so I think she's confusing with another type of house? Maybe not.
I heard how she's behind with her work. She doesn't take breaks, doesn't stop to eat, does not PLAY GAMES. That was a dig re: my being online a lot. Also a dig that I'm lazy, I don't really work (all I do is 'punch' in things on a keyboard, that's not work). Yes, I am online a lot, but that is my own business. I think had she not spent most of her morning being a busybody, she would've gotten her 'work' done. She then ranted away at me for a while. I then heard about her friend who had new flooring put in her house. One part was done in hardwood. Mom told her oh no you don't want that! It's hard to clean, plus it's slippery. Her friend said no, the installer said this type was not slick. "Oh, I don't know about that. You'll end up falling!" Way to crap on her new flooring, but her friend 'dared' to do what she wanted. It was also another passive aggressive dig to me, as I have said I'm replacing my carpeting (at least 2 water leaks, so no carpeting for me), most likely with tile (the kind that looks like wood). She had to tell me the story again how in her first house, they had hardwood floors. Dad loved them. She had to get on her hands and knees to clean between where area rug ended and floors began to the walls. Dad said oh I don't want you doing that so they got wall to wall carpeting. I think she didn't need to clean that way, but it was her way of having a hissy fit until he acquiesced and said let's do what you want (wall to wall carpet). Another example of her way or the highway.
So after being yelled at, my enthusiasm for the trip evaporated. I actually got sick to my stomach, and I called off going early this morning. Of course I got yelled at, and I was told I needed to get over any sickness quickly, as I had to do my share, do my duty, and take care of her. Not her fault, it was my decision to live apart, so too bad - I need to just take care of her - period.
I still feel relieved, even after being yelled at.
Thanks for letting me vent.

TG... Sending you lots of love, especially on Mother’s Day 🌹💓

tgengine - don't leave. We all need to vent in order to go on. Don't let a little back and forth with a few well meaning but frustrated posters cause you to leave the forum. That would be a shame.

To answer the $64,000 question? To get it off my chest because no one else listens nore cares..... I guess what is the point as in here..... No point, thanks for the enlightenment....

Dear Heart-
i am so sorry that happened to your mother. I believe you! It is a travesty that these doctors can retain their licenses and hospital privileges!
i hope others will read what I am typing next, as it could affect any of us.

Here’s the biggie, folks. Please pay attention.
I have a decade working in an HMO, wrote legal appeals. I thought I knew my stuff. Apparently I’ve not anticipated everything that can go wrong. I did internet search, checked the usual websites where people can check doctor reviews. This current doc didn’t have much info, nothing bad, several websites. Board certified. I neglected to check the group practice, another error on my part, shame on me. The worst error was this: today I went to our state medical board to check her credentials. She graduated medical school seven years ago. And in those seven years, this internist has settled malpractice claims three times! Reminding you guys, this is not a specialty surgeon who has high risk patients and has had three unfortunate surgical outcomes. This is an internist who has been sued and lost three times, or settled out of court! Someone sho doesn’t perform any procedures. Three times she had poor enough outcomes to have legal action brought against her. And this info never showed up on all the searched reviews sites! So, her staff fills out the demographic information, and does not know about, or does not enter the actionable legal strikes against her!

Yesterday I picked up what I thought was two waiting prescriptions. But my pain medicine for failing hip, and severe arthritis was not filled. Never called in despite me telling the nurse I needed it during taking vitals. Told the same thing, two scripts needed refills. She has apparently decided no more pain meds out of ignorance of CDC guidelines on prescribing. Never discussed with me, per CDC guidelines, just referring me for pain management, and who knows how long it will take for the referral and appointment. So, I asked twice personally, the nurse and the doc. And pharmacy agreed to fax my request to refill. I called when no script was called in, left message for clinical staff today. No return call, no pain meds. So I’m being left in medical crisis, as she abruptly cut off meds, didn’t discuss, didn’t wean me off, all CDC prescribing guidelines. I can barely move, for the pain and withdrawal symptoms. I at least have the ER for backup up til I get in to a new doc. Trust me, we don’t have very many docs taking new patients here, doing the best I can to find a good doc.

Despite the pain, I need to get on the state medical board website and check out my new doc and hubs’ doc next.

To get it off his chest, I expect. That's okay too.

Definitely better than sharpening up an axe, anyway!

TG every intervention ever offered you is met with a - yeah but. None of your excuses are insurmountable, but it's easier on you in the short term to just keep swimming in the pool because climbing out will take effort. If that's working for you why do you keep posting here?

TG, you DO realize that there is income-based housing for the elderly near where you live, right?

Cmagnum, I like the analogy..... car, boat, helicopter..... I get it. I know I can just toss him out but I can't. So I keep trying and setting boundaries. I try to keep the positive spin. as for his money, he gets SSI and it covers his meds, insurance and gas a what over he spends during the month which is $100. over what he gets form SSI.
Daughter had a meltdown at church when his new lady friend sat in their pew next to dad. This was hard for her since she and my mom were so close. It is hard to see someone move on and I get it. I just gave her a hug and let her go. The issues are she knows the person and some of her motivation is not the best. She has a history of cozening up to widowers and one married her after her first husband died, she spent quiet a bit of his money then the kids threw her out as she tried to occupy the house after he died. The house was left to the kids. Then the second one she tried to get to marry her and she wanted him to sign all his property over to her so she could live there (learned after her second husband). The son is friends with me and knew of her situation and talked his dad out of it... twice! I am very fa miler with this person before she got close to my dad. As I have made her aware, dad has no money. It get it, he needs companionship and I am good with it as long as she is not in my house.
So it is either I give him my daughters car and then when she needs one I help her out, in the long run it will save me money.
Trying to ignore his comments or lack of compliments. Trying to focus on business and realize I am in this alone but for my wife. Oh and BTW, wife and I are very good, we talk a lot about this, maybe too much.
If I could set him up in his own place I would but I can't, there is absolutely no money left after his regular expenses. That is why he lives with me. I cover all the rest of the living expenses. After talking with some of my cousins who are in the same situation I have it pretty good. We all come from the same cloth of taking care of family, must be the gene-pool.

Tgengine, I hope you take many posts and feeback you have been getting to heart. Its hard to break away from the patterns we get stuck in. I think once you make one small stand it will get easier and easier. Its going to be a struggle because it seems you are too kind hearted and afraid to hurt or insult others.

I am having a good spell with my mother, she can be very funny. I gave her ensure and sometimes I "soup" things up to get her to eat or drink something. So today after I finally got her to taste the ensure. She she was like UMph!! UMph! umph! this is good. Then she says "guurrrllll" I cracked up my mother is too much. The day before I had on jeans and some shiny rain ankle bootsfor the rain. She was like that's a pretty dress, turn around so I can see it. So I did the model thing ( we alsways did fashion shows when I was a girlscout my mother a leader) So she ssay ahh!!! shucks!!! I left for work full of laughter and smiles two days in a row. So I am feeling very grateful and melding into this care giver up and down business. Meanwhile I am still waiting for the APS intervention or to hear something from them. Then to top it off. My twisted put parental controls on my mothers cable so I can't watch my shows that I catch up with while I am cooking. So I got caught up in some crime solving cases. I had just bought a new remote as the other one went missing. I had been having my mail sent to the store around the corner but the brother whose name I use went a way and I have to ask new one. This was so that I would get my orders without sabatoge and keep them out of my business. So I guess she saw the remote and took the next step. I think that is one bill my nephew pays for my mother., Its all good, I have my showb^^&x and I will utube and see if I can unblock the parental control on optimum without pass word when I get a chance.

Waiting on authorization for the interography study of intestines. Then to make an apt to see surgeon and then eventually surgery.. Other wise all is well and I hope the same for you all.

Rays of love and light. When I smile, I get a smile back. Like with my mother I guffawed over her antics and I got a little more and a smile back. Cant remember the last time my heart felt warm from my mother. So Smile! Im going to hold on to this "up"!!! Cause I know, just know something waiting right around this corner called life. :) :)_

Well, I'm still shaking. Just hung up on Mom. She really was in a foul mood. Oh, I hardly eat (which is crap, she snacks all day long, snacked in front of me offering me nothing - I'm too fat, which is hilarious because she's always been overweight). It's all my fault, of course. I heard how my brother went to the dentist, thank goodness it was all fixed (his tooth). He goes regularly, why don't you? You don't want to be like me (false teeth). I find it so hypocritical since she didn't give a damn about my teeth as a child, with my finally getting braces for myself as an adult. Secondly, none of her business if I go or not. If I say that, I get the response, see you know best, you can't be told anything!
So she goes on and it's all about how wonderful my brother is. He takes her on errands, picks up her mail. Errands - 2 per week. She was crabbing today about her arms and fingers (I've offered to take her to various doctors, which she has refused - better to be a martyr). He said oh I wish I could buy you new arms. They'd gone appliance shopping (something is dying slowly, so getting it replaced). He offered to buy it for her birthday. She said no, it's too much. Oh, he'd 'make her pay half' (meaning me). Excuse me? It would have been over $275 - without asking me? I have the funds, probably more than he does, but it is just the idea of going ahead without asking. I wouldn't have dared. He yelled at me one Christmas when I gave him the bill (we divide the expenses). He'd forgotten about one item, which he had 'okayed'. He's always been the golden child. I guess I need to just always remember I'll never be good enough, and to stop trying with her. It's pointless.
So she keeps on her tirade. She told my brother, he should make me pay for all of it (appliance) as I don't do a damned thing for her and all I do is complain about doing anything for her. Cue the tears. I lost it, phone still on mute. I do all of the manual labor for her, and it's not enough. I do it "wrong", or if I ask what she wants or say you didn't tell me I needed to do xxxx, it's complaining. I also have asked she tell me what needs done, so I'm not running around at the last minute trying to do everything. "Well I didn't have a list when I did things for you growing up". She thinks that feeding, clothing, and putting a roof over my head were extras. I told her no, it was her responsibility if she wanted a child, and now she says oh it was my job (in a very snide way).
She continues, and then says WELL ARE YOU THERE? Yelling as to why I call her, just yelling more and more. I couldn't take it, and I said (yelled back) yes, I am here. Why would I want to talk with you when all you do is yell at me? I honestly wish I were dead right now, so I didn't have to deal with it all. Then I hung up.
As I was yelling, I was like oh stop it. I just fed the narcissist, which is what she wanted.
On top of it, found out today a good friend had a mild stroke. She's in her mid 40's. I was feeling sad all day, then this continual whining and yelling got the best of me.
She broke me. I am so tired of hearing that I'm worthless. When I tell her that, she'll say oh there you go to extremes. She got in more digs about me being on the internet when I come home after working 9 to 10 hours. Well I got my work done FIRST, then I played. She never played. Honestly, she was pretty joyless, even before my dad passed away.
I'm just so tired of everything being my fault. If the weather is bad, if she doesn't eat right, if the tv shows aren't to her liking, if she has dexterity issues, if she doesn't make it to the bathroom, if her toilet doesn't flush (seriously I got blamed for that), for the fashions on the shopping channels...….I get the blame for anything that isn't right in her world.
Sadly, she thinks that by yelling at me and constantly degrading me is the way to wrangle an invite to my home.

Girlsayor,
i feel terribly for you and I totally understand as I had horrible Dr's for my mother and myself and reported 2 of them to the State. (One Dr left my mother in her 80's by herself and never returned because he was insisting on my mother taking Celebrex... She had bled from when a previous dr gave it to her, and he was mean.. and, said "then, I'm not going to be your dr"... She thought he was coming back as I waited in the waiting room and wondered what was happening... When I went in after asking a nurse, my mother was crying (which she very rarely does)... I had to hold back punching this guy out and reported him... wha a jerk... (during these years my mother wanted to go into the room by herself so I gave her space/individuality... another reason why two people should be in the room, especially with seniors). We went through a lot of bad Dr's who hated their job... it showed Big time.. and I could go on.... and on... my mother, now 91 seems to have better dr... (fingers crossed)... Even if you have a dr now, I would suggest asking around for one closer to where you live... you are not 'locked in' to keeping any of these Dr's... Do what's right for you!... Never let someone have 'power' over you.
Best Wishes... ❤️🌹
PS. It's so shameful how this country has extremely little respect for the elderly.... makes me really upset!!!
(wait until they get there... and they will)

Nothing really going on here, so that’s good.
Been trying to find different internist, discouraged, as I want a female, board certified, decent reviews, reasonably close to my end of town. Seems there are precious few internists on my side of town. A dearth of qualified, board certified ones. Most reviews are terrible. Pretty sure it’s doctor flight to the wealthier parts of town, as we live in very modest, older working class neighborhood. Lots of Medicare/Medicaid recipients, so docs make more money elsewhere. Private insurance reimbursements are higher than Medicare/Medicaid. Most docs this part of the county have been absorbed into a conglomerate, very poor administration. Their reputation is known as very poor, I’m learning. The nurses, billing & clerical support are rude, much incompetence exists. Last week’s appointment was the last straw. After the medical portion of my appointment, I asked the doc if I could speak with her about the issues we’ve been having. She said no, she would have me speak with her office mgr, who is a big part of the problem. So, I went over my written documentation about billing issues, over ten phone calls to get them to refund overcharges, which they refused to refund, spoke with seven different people, finally with the CFO. It was that bad. Not one person makes the promised calls back.
Then there was the paperwork we needed our docs to sign for property tax disability reduction. Two people, different docs, same practice. Two checkmarks and a signature on each form. I supplied them with our parts properly filled out, stamped, addressed envelopes. There are deadlines on these things. Hubs’ doc was never given his form, by his nurse. After 3 weeks, my doc finally filled mine out, but the staff didn’t mail it. Because I had to come pay her paperwork fee. Which I was never advised I owed, despite me asking initially what I needed to pay when I hand delivered the forms to their front desk. Only nobody ever called to advise me to come pay, & pick up the form. I assumed both were mailed when neither of us received a phone call.
My last visit, in Dec., doc said come back in 6 months, so made appointment before I left, for June, per her instructions. Two weeks ago my maintenance meds refills were declined by this doc. Not controlled substances, no mfg prescribing changes, no medical status changes. I was told she wanted me to come in end of April instead of June. Changed her mind, arbitrarily. Otherwise, if I did not come in for an appointment ASAP, I would get no blood pressure meds, no thyroid meds, no other maintenance meds. Purely revenue gathering. Clinic just purchased new patient tracking/billing software, & decided to hold patients up for extra revenue, where no medical reason existed to move up appointments.
So, I tried to discuss all the issues I was having with the office manager, who also brought the nurse in with her. Since the doc didn’t care about how her patients were being treated. When I got to the part about the nurses not handling paperwork, not giving forms to doc on timely basis, not calling patients to pick up completed forms for over a month, the nurse heaves a big sigh, rolls her eyes at me. I kid you not!
My error, when first looking for internists for us, when we moved here, was that I checked the docs’ reviews individually, but didn’t check the clinic’s reviews as an entity. Shame on me! I have since looked at the clinic reviews, and they are horrific. Everybody else has same problems we have been experiencing.
I’m fed up with this chitty treatment, have found a different doc. But I have to travel 45 minutes across the county, each way, to get in to see a decently rated internist. Pray this is a decent physician in a decently run practice. I checked her out, checked out the practice as a whole. With the kind of health issues we both have, it’s really not the best to have to travel so far. Appointment late June. Wish me luck!

Why would you do her yard work for her if you're going to hurt your back?

If she's got money for two Alexas, she's got money for landscaping.

She didn't teach you any self preservation skills, did she? THAT is a mother's job.

Stop playing her sick little game.

I would stop taking bribes particularly if it means hurting your own health.

I guess the good part of my situation is that Mom doesn't ask me for money. She uses money as a way to kind of bribe us to stay "loyal".
She's been in a semi-good mood the past few days. Called her today, and said, hello, after it took her a while to answer. She said "well?" I said ok, well wha!t's new there? Nothing, same old Sunday, boring. She really expects that someone should be there to entertain her. Her friends do not always have people around on Sunday to visit or entertain - and they do not whine about it. Two good friends of hers had no one at their homes on Easter, and they did not whine. Mom would have had a fit!
So then anyways, she starts in on how she has an "Alexis" in the box, I've not shown her anything about it. She has the Amazon device (actually two). She HAD to have them. I asked when she ordered them, what do you want to do with them? I don't know, I just want it. I said well you have to figure out where you want to sit it (well both), and what you want it to do, then I get to program them for you. "I can't hear you. Your phone is lousy."
The whole phone deal is because she had an iPhone I got for her and pay for her on my plan. She could never work it. My brother got her two other smartphones, both Androids, he took them both back. "I want one that's all programmed". They were. I've shown her multiple times. I also got her an Amazon fire - larger screen. It also doesn't work right. Works fine for me. She's just not technically inclined at all. Even with icons for stores or whatever, you have to type in some data or go to menus. She kept saying with iPhone that 'voice control' came on all the time. I had disabled everything - no Suri, no other voice control at all. My phone (I have the same model), never does half the stuff she had happen. She returned everything to me, saying I'll get my own. Maybe I need to get my own computer. Ok, then. Do it.
So anyhow, I said do I need to shout for you to hear me? Her hearing is gone, but she will not admit it. I said I will call you back. Her line is still busy, a good hour now. She's playing games, and will say it's your phone. Nope. I have made other calls and it worked fine.
She was in a sour mood and wants to upset me.
She'd also said last night she has so much "going on right now", she hasn't called her landscaper. Sure, she wants me to do it when I go there for Mother's Day or Memorial Day. It's her version of payback - for whatever I've done to her. She has said that I do not know what work is - because I don't do much yard work - and she did. She is the hardest worker ever!! So she gets delight in watching me with my bad back working out in her HUGE flower beds. She added more than what is with a typical condo - all around her house, extra in the middle of the yard, and then more along her property line. Ridiculous. "It was my enjoyment". Sure, but you didn't plan ahead. You assumed you'd move in with me, without any discussion whatsoever, that I would roll over and do your bidding. This is after not having a close relationship ever with her. She was just demanding, and honestly, it was no big deal if I didn't go to her house for a holiday type weekend when she was mobile. She'd have a small fit, but move along. Now, she wants the relationship, and doesn't get it that we're not close. Her antics also drive others away. She's just exhausting to be around.
Phone still comes back 'user busy'. I know she'll try to say it's my phone. It's just a game to get me upset. It kind of works, but I'm just going to go about my day and ignore. I may ignore if she calls me back.
Very doubtful I will go there next weekend, ranting and raving be damned.

Good advice Madge! I think sometimes when people are sick, especially if it's something serious they just want people to treat them like they always did because all the concern etc. just reminds them more of the seriousness of it all.

I know in my family people are very secretive and I seriously wouldn't know if someone were ill or not unless their appearance changed drastically. I think that stems from my mom's example. She always wanted to keep up appearances even when she was sick. When she was 79 she had actually scheduled a triple bypass and wasn't going to tell us. I found out by seeing surgery written on her calendar.

I wouldn't recommend this behavior by the way. I was really mad at my mom when I found this out. I mean what if she'd died.

But as far as helping a sick friend out. Try to keep things as normal as you can under the circumstances. I M O.

This is what I need

Margeaux

sorry about your friend's diagnosis - does she have family to support her through treatment ? Sometimes, folks don't want to be a burden on their friends. Even we caregivers sometimes have trouble accepting help from friends.

When my dear friend was going through treatment, we would meet occassionally for a cup of tea usually not more than 30 minutes or so and I would keep the conversation light and think of things that might provide a chuckle. If I saw a movie on DVD, or some item that I thought she'd like, I would mail it to her as a little thinking of you gift. As often as I offered, she never let me take her treatment, do any chores for her, or see her in her final days - her passing broke my heart

TG, Does your father get social security or a pension? If so, what happens to that money?

TG, you say. "I know, I am the enabler..... not sure what to do at this point, I'm stuck...... it will be easy soon, Ill be out of money......", but that is just a Cop Out and you know it! You Need to take the Bull By The Horns and Actually Do Something about your situation, Not give up and let them all continue to run right over you!

By saying that, you are just continuing to invite us all to your Pity-Party, you will Forevever be stuck in this Rut, and your life will Never Change, and that is unfair to You and your Dear Wife! The time is Now to Impliment Changes, and take the nesassary steps to improve your life, and ultimately their lives too! Why are you so resistant to changing you situation for the better?

Only You can research the options out there to improve your own situation, but Don't just roll over and give up, we all have Faith that you can be a Success story, and improve your life for you and your Dear Wife, she above all people deserves your efforts! Believe me, it will definately be worth it in the end! Make 2019 Count for Something!

TG, your situation brings to mind a fictional story. There was a flood and a car came to pick him up. He said no for God would provide. The water became high and a boat came to rescue him and again he said no for the same reason. Later a helicopter flew by and the man was on the roof. He said no to the rescue effort for the same reason. Then, the flood took the house and the man. In heaven, he was angry at God for not providing. His response was, I sent a car, a boat, and a helicopter.

Do not be like the man in story.

TG you are like a drowning person who keeps swimming around in circles refusing to even consider grabbing hold of the lifelines we keep throwing your way because you are stubbornly convinced that this is your fate. Nothing will ever change until you grab a lifeline, if you can't act on your own please reconsider finding a therapist.

Tg, are your daughters going to be there to hand you money when you retire and are broke?

You need to start saying "no". Not in anger. In self preservation

"Dad, we're going to put your name on some lists for senior apartments. You living here isn't working out any more. You will need to find other accommodations by September 1".

And when he bad mouths you to everyone, just ignore it!!

I know, I am the enabler..... not sure what to do at this point, I'm stuck...... it will be easy soon, Ill be out of money......

And have daughter take her car. There are parking lots in the city. Oh, but I know, it is expensive. But then......

Just have daughter remove that temptation and your dad.