The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

TG, as far as I can tell you don't have a spare car you can let your father use. The car is your daughter's. Has anyone asked her if she's happy to let him drive it? What about insurance? Will he be covered if he's driving the car without the owner's permission?

Tg, every time you post, you say that you don't have it so bad as others.

You have a VERY bad situation.

1. You have an entitled, boorish, manipulative father invading your privacy and precious home.

2. You have two lovely daughters who expect to be supported.

3. You have a saintly wife who is showing physical symptoms of the stressors on your marriage.

4. You have an unreasonable voice in your head that says "must be cheerful, must give them all money and cars, must give up my space, my privacy, my sex life".

You have it quite bad. The only one who can fix this is you. Stop being the enabler in chief. ( I thought you said wife told you no way could dad use car her sister left DD? I wouldn't push your wife.....)

TG, what is it that keeps you from setting boundaries with and saying no to your dad and daughters? Try to think about how all of this makes your wife feel. Surely she can't be happy with the situation either. Are you willing to sit down and have those hard talks with dad and daughters and put an end to the enabling?

Remember, nothing changes if nothing changes.

Hi Everyone,

It's me again, checking in. If you all can believe it, but since the first of the year
things have just been coming at me at such a high speed I feel as if I just can't keep up at times. So I just want to say a big hello to everyone here on the forum, and know I've thought about all of you.
O.k., so one of the main things that preoccupied my mental time during the first few months of 2019, has been that my best gf had an unfortunate breast cancer diagnosis. She doesn't live close to me either; it takes about over an hour to get to her place. She got this diagnosis at the end of 2018, and into early January it was all about appointments, etc. I felt so bad for her, and apparently it is a rare kind in terms of the breast cancer. But the other thing I've been going through with her is the fact, that early in January, she just stopped calling me, so I tried keeping in touch through emails. But she basically didn't want to talk about ANYTHING she was going through. She vaguely mentioned when it was she'd have the one breast removed. Even for that, I really didn't know when exactly it was happening so I could be of moral support to her. Now she is someone that I usually talk to at least every other day. Now nada, at a time like this.

All I could really do, is send her short emails, but after awhile not knowing absolutely anything about her situation, I'm kind of at a loss for what to say to her.
She started to respond, but very minimally since all this started.

I know she's been scared out of her wits, understandably so too! But after a few months, I kind of had to take a mental break. I respect that she doesn't want to talk about it, but I know she's also going through lots of isolation, but hey that's up to her. But I also feel like I can't be on the sidelines, wondering either. Still send her short emails; sometimes I'm just out of things to say to her though.

O.K., I'll be looking on AC more often, I have to get ready to go take care of mom, doing an overnighter. BTW......she turned 98 on April 5th. I'll catch up about all that later.

Biggest Hugs to all!
Much Love & Light!

Margeaux

Seriously Tgengine? YOU are the Problem in this scenario, by continuing "give in" to your Dad, time and time again! It's no wonder that your Dad and Daughters have the "failure to launch", and continue to return to the family home, and with husband's and boyfriends ("fiancee's") to boot! This Is all your fault, as you have never been strong enough put your foot down, and just says NO!

None of them, Dad and daughters, will ever Grow Up as long as Daddy continues to open up his wallet at every little turn! Let the old man figure out his own ride issues, he's got friends, granddaughters, a Girlfriend, Uber, public transportation and maybe even the Senior bus for a reduced fee. Krimminy, will you be My Daddy?

You go on about how You have given up your home, You have no privacy with your wife at This Age? You are having to go without vacations, that You are having to spend all of Your money on their cars and insurances, their travel expenses and living expenses, but the key person here is YOU! You have never set boundaries for your Loved ones, and now You are paying the price for your lack of smart "parenting"!

Of course you Love them, but let (force) them to stand on their own 2 feet for once, and learn the hard lessons that we all have had to learn in life, that money doesn't grow on trees, and that you have to work for what you want, or they will Never learn the Normal Life Lessons, NEVER, hence your Dad there with his hand out! "Son will fix this, he Always does!

You say that Dad has no money to get out on his own, and get himself a Senior apartment, but this is not true! From everything that you have said over the years, he sounds perfectly capable living on his own, he can manage his own ADL'S, he can drive, can shop, can cook and clean, can go away on his own on Vacations with others, and that's Wonderful, you are very lucky that he isn't fully dependant on you for these things, as many here on the forum have agonized over.

There ARE Senior resources out there to supplement his lack of financial resources, many others here have had to find them, and my guess is that once implemented, he would do very well and would probably Thrive out on his own, but you would to search them out and help him to apply for them. Have you ever even Tried to get him the help he would need to become self sufficient? Everything is possible, but you have to research the resources out there!

Have you ever considered that it is YOU that is the stumbling block here in this equation, maybe it is YOU who is the "happy enabler", who subconsciously enjoys the being the "Savior" in all of this, and then Enjoys complaining about it all. You might do well getting some counseling to come to terms that you are doing your dependant loved ones more harm than good, allowing them to always have you as the "fall guy", it makes you feel needed in their lives, but in actuality you are doing them a disservice by not allowing them to grow the he** up!

Llisten, I mean no disrespect, I know that you are a Great guy, a Great Dad and Son, that you Love your Wife and family to bits, but somewhere along the way they aren't learning and implementing the fundamental principles of being independent of Daddy, and that is not right, and not fair to them! Only you can make this happen for you, but you've got to truly want them to be independent of you, and I don't think you are there yet.

So what would happen if you didn't buy him a car, if you didn't allow him to use your daughters? If you tell him you are working and ask him to leave? If you don't fork over extra money when he blows through his? Aside from him throwing a tantrum like a two year old and you somehow blaming yourself for not being rich enough, charitable enough, (doormat enough) to be all things to all people?

And the kicker today is his car died..... now I have to let him drive my daughters car (she lives in NYC) until I can figure out how to buy him another car so he doesn't drive this one into the ground. Crap... more money out of my pocket.... He cant afford to buy one and my sister gave him $6,000 to fix the car 3 years ago.... Will have to find a cheap car that I hope wont bankrupt me with repairs...... He is lucky I have an extra car, what if I didn't? The level of expectation is unbelievable. Everyone has to pony up!!!!!!

You have no obligation to loan him money. Just say no. He asks and demands like a petulant child. You have let him take over your house. Tell him you gave him adequate for himself and that he is expected to spent time in his space, during your work time. Give him a budget for his spending money. Until you set and enforce boundary, he is going to continue to act the way he does.

Sigh. Now that you have trained him so well in "borrowing" money from you it is indeed going to be a difficult habit to break.

Turn it over in your mind casually. He gives you the spiel about the "stone me I issued a check months ago and somebody cashed it how could he be so inconsiderate I really wasn't expecting that I'm a bit short can you sub me $x..." - which is actually what he was doing in your office, wasn't it, nothing at all to do with waiting for his friend - just suppose you say:

"No. I'm sick of it. Don't ask me again."

What would he say? I'm just curious, but you know his speech patterns and I don't. What words would he speak?

Thank you for all the positive comments. I know it seems I just keep ranting on about the same issues and I have nothing to complain about compared to what most of you are going through. There is only so much I can complain about to my lovely understanding wife. It helps to get it off my chest so I dont pop a blood vessel!
This AM he comes down and his new thing is to watch my video screen in my desk that has the security cameras around the house over my shoulder in my office, (4 screens on my desk, yes overkill). I installed them for 2 reasons, security for one, the second is since I am stuck in the basement I need to see who is arriving at the house like UPS FedEX someone at the front door.
He stands behind me watching the screen for his ride to show up. He has a 6 foot window in his living room that looks over the driveway and the stream in the yard (formally known as my beautiful office). Watching over my shoulder goes right along with nails on a blackboard. This is MY OFFICE!!!!! IM WORKING! Then proceeds to ask to borrow money because someone cashed a 3 month old check.... I wish I ran my life so easy......
Sliding doors are going up in my office next week... just another layer of closing me into the dungeon..... So what am I supposed to say you can't borrow money?
My former office his now living room I had to install french doors to keep it quiet and private. Lucky I did as it keeps some of the noise down in his living room. I guess the same for my basement office......

I THOUGHT I came from a "normal" family, but how wrong I was growing up!  So, like everyone else, I just do what I think is best.  I listen to what others have to say, then do what I think is best.  I try what others say to do, and it doesn't work out for me, so I do what I think is best.  So far, my ideas have worked out best.  The others can do THEIR thing when it comes THEIR time to deal with what I have been dealing with.  Then we will see how it works out for THEM!

This is such a great place! Honestly, it makes it a little easier, and lets me know that I'm not completely crazy.
Mom was in an okay-ish mood last night when I called her. Grumpy and went on mini tirades, but not full Armageddon type rants.
I kept comments to very bland responses, and topics to like the weather (oh it's rotten weather - which I'm sure is all MY fault - LOL).
I could tell she wanted a big old fight or reaction from me, to get validation that she'd upset me. Nope. I was cool as a cucumber on the phone. I vented in my journal big time, though.

Today, late morning, I get a call from Mom. I'm like oh she wants something. Yeah, she wanted to yell at me. Do you know how to clean a bathroom? Yes. Well you didn't shake out the rug (this is all in the guest bathroom), and the shower curtain wasn't pulled one way or the other. Keep in mind I cleaned her filthy bathroom, pee and poop stains on the floor, toilet which was an awful mess, cleaned off her countertop and sink - which I had to scrub. That one got me - you can't take a wipe and run it over the sink once a week? And, I did shake out the rug - did so to all her rugs.
The phone went on mute and she ranted away, how she'd had to clean up many times after I'd left, with poop on or all over the toilet (lies). I actually kept the phone on mute as she just went on and on - I was blamed for everything wrong in her life. I'm totally selfish, I never do a damned thing for her! She really wanted to elicit a response from me, to show that she'd upset me (she did - made me mad). I think it's because (1), she's in such a bad mood so she wants me to be in a bad mood, too; (2) she's a narcissist and any attention is needed to fill the void she has; (3) it's a way to get control and power - if I say something back to her or get angry and start WWIII, I'm giving my power to her, I'm allowing her to alter my mood or plans for the day.
I'm so over it at this point. Sadly, she just doesn't see she's self-sabotaging. Wondering if she thinks oh if I yell, she'll do more to "make up" or that I'll try harder to please her or invite her to my house. It does just the opposite.

Then after all her ranting, she said oh have a nice day. Seriously?
Well, yeah, I'm going to try and enjoy the rest of my day. I hope everyone here can do the same.

Chriss, people on here do understand, trust me. Keep on venting.

I came here because I am at my wits end... Today I am horrible... Maybe I'll sleep n be good in the morning. If things move 2 inches I took them. If the room isn't 70 I'm trying to freeze her... Most days I'm ok... Tonight I want to scream. Some says are just so much worse than others... Sorry... New here. Just venting to people who may understand.

Duck, You’re taking good care of your mother and trying to get her the services she needs. I hope it all goes well and your surgery as well. Give yourself a big pat on the back.

I think all of us have dysfunctional families when it comes to parental caregiving.

Whenever there is a perception of an imbalance of that which might be worth fighting over -
attention
love
money
power
favoritism
responsibility
stuff and/or
limited time

The environment is well-suited for war.

Too bad. I loved my family and felt (long ago) like they were mentally healthy.

Frazzeled!! Congratualations!!! I am so happy for you.!!! Seems like lawyer's plan has your sister in check, that is great. I guess its stressful with the older children and having this brand new blessing. I think you are so blessed.

I hope everyone is in good health and good spirits.

Sissu, be strong. Twisted sister Yikes!!!! Amundo!!!!!

Barbs, thanks for the advice.

Golden I hope you are cheered up and taking care.

Country, Barbs, I admire your spirits.

Well, I am still waiting for further from APS. I am sure it takes time. I just hope the case isnt dropped or overlooked.

Had another flood in the basement, 2nd within two weeks, we had heavy rain fall all day on friday,. Flood in the basement, I hear the water fall, not as strong as a few weeks ago (that sounded like niagra falls in the house) This last one was not so bad but any leak is bad. I turned of water. Monday I was going to reach out for advice, as I have decided to go "no contact" with my nephew and stay no contact with my twisted. Just like last time, I knew she would call nephew. Only it stayed off for three days. I turned it on Sat and sun to shower and clean dishes, wondering when twisted or nephew would address issue. I knew if I texted him it would be on me. I have almost exhuasted my funds trying to keep things up. Then get blamed for every single thing, while no one else does anything. My nephew has authority to pay bills from account and uses it to take care of any issue upstairs. But not to fix buckling floor around toilet and other repairs. Its not my house. I have already said we can all chip in and do repairs and that is just out of the question because my sister pays nothing, never did. So I am counting on APS Guardianship to take over manageing my mothers's care and disrepair of her living area.
She is eating well and I have had some funny moments with her I wanted to share but have forgotten. Almost forgot this one this afternoon as I am feeding her, she takes the fork and feed me! lol so I ate it. yes you can feed me too! I think she is getting used to the idea of being fed, like accepting it.

I will be glad to get a home attendant so I can get her bathed regularly and take her out and do things like plant or anything out side. Things two sisters would normally do toghether for their aging mother. I see similar scenarios in the street and I tear up.

So now surgeon's office called about apt I canceled when the bowel study was canceled. Its approved now so I will be back to making those appointments to prepare for surgery.

Here I go again. All these events are stressfull. I mean I worried so much around this APS case and it went so easy, was very emotional, as something like this really tells on the family. Things you want to hide like the dysfunction. Just as I told the casemanager for the meals, a lot of questions she asked, I lied about my mother to make her look good like I always have. This time I told the truth.com. and even as I felt wrong almost like a traitor exposes the family secret, I felt good because hopeful this will improve the quality of what left of my mother's life.

Anyways, I am so grateful to be a part of this forum. I know I am long winded and stray and babble and I appreciate any and all of you who care enough to comment, be honest and truthfull and give guidance there were and still are something I couldnt see or understand which I eventually did see and come to terms with and that was because I could considered the options that were directed at me. And my goodness I do so appreciated you all!

Tgengine, It ends when you set boundaries and quit propping him up financially.

Congratulations Frazz! A new daughter, so special!

Oh, I missed that post Frazzled - a new daughter, how wonderful 🤗

Frazz, congratulations on the birth of your daughter! Ivan imagine you and your hubby are exhausted with all that’s going on. I hope you two can get a day or two to just relax soon. It’s sound like the attorney has a good plan to avoid a lawsuit later. Sibs can make trouble but never offer to help.

Man can go to Michigan with a lady friend by himself but not independent enough to live alone.

I'm not giving you anymore advice, TG. You're making your own bed by not looking at ANY of the reasonable alternatives.

You're not making a big deal of the stress but ohmygod you do make rods for your own back.

You have TWO doors which are nowhere near your office. You say "but no-one uses them." Well, hey, they do now! Or else!

Get a nice little hall stand and put it by the door you want him to use and put his coat and his keys there. He will soon get used to it, after a false start or two. Double lock the door to the garage that you don't want him to use, or put a bolt on the inside. Do not respond to knocking except with GO ROUND.

Do this now. This battle is worth picking. If you don't pick it, you might turn into the kind of bitter resentful curmudgeon who scowls and turns his back on a cheerful greeting. Hem-hem.

What did you want your sister to do, exactly? Can't tell if that was a battle worth picking or not.

Dads back from his trip to Michigan with his friend. I called my sibling before he left and she was like no problem. Anything with her is no problem because he doesn't live with her! He came back with his ever present timing 5 minutes before my wife got home. Anyhow, he and his friend come into the lower level where my office is, I am no the phone with a client and they are at the top of thier lungs with hellos... dog is barking. Great way to run a professional business. I didn't even turn around to acknowledge them. SO I am yet again the bad guy..
Am I making a big deal of all this being standoffish?
It is hard to run my business from home wihout people coming and going through my office.
I have to have it in the basement where the entry door is (we do have a side door and a front door but no one uses them). it is where his keys and coat are at the garage entry and is right in my office which used to be the beautiful formal living room I had when I moved in but gave to dad so he could have his own living room. That is right, he has a beautiful sunny living room, his own bath room and huge sunny bedroom, Pretty friggin nice accommodations. I digress...
So now I have to put doors in my office to drown out everyone else's noise.... in my own house.... locked in the basement............... but no assistance from my sibling when I told her I need a break after 5 years....
I need a break..... Now I have to start looking for a car for him.... his wont make it much longer..... yup, more money out of my pocket......
When does it end?

Sissisu, I wasn't familiar with your situation so I just read the posts on your profile.

This is a complete gem, her response when you said no you were not moving back to your hometown: "Well, why did you bother to be born here?"

You could argue that perhaps most people have *some* narcissistic traits, and it's a very broad spectrum from the occasional wobble to distinct tendencies to marked disorder.

24 carat out and out can't miss them Narcissists, though, are quite rare. I think you should be proud of how well you handle yours. It's incredibly difficult to maintain such strong boundaries and still provide high quality support - hats off to you.

Any ideas of what you might need to do to cope with her in the future?

Been awhile since I updated here...these past few months have been like a whirlwind. I don't think I mentioned on here that I was pregnant again. Hubs and I waited until 2nd trimester to announce it to anyone...partially a little superstitious because we lost a baby early on before we had our two and a half year old, and partly because I didn't want my family to ramp up their drama. Mom didn't even know for that same reason.

So, we had our newest little girl April 16, born 8 weeks early at 32 weeks. She's doing well for her size, but will be in the NICU awhile until she gets a little bigger and can take all feedings by mouth. Right now, half of her feedings are by mouth and half are still through the nasogastric tube.

Still working on mom's estate stuff, although it's just kind of a gradual process, and has kind of taken the back burner these past few weeks. Nothing more from twisted sis so far. The new attorney that I hired is working on doing something called a constructive trust to place the house into the estate so that it can eventually be sold to help pay bills and attorney fees. Not to mention upkeep, insurance, etc still being paid from what little estate account funds are left. Hoping it all gets resolved soon. At least this way that the attorney is trying will avoid a long, drawn-out lawsuit if approved by the judge.

Between going back and forth to the hospital, and taking care of the other kids and trying to keep my head above water, I've been pretty wiped out. Hubs has been by my side and supportive, and I know he's tired too between work and everything else.

Oldest son, who just turned 18, also announced today that he was getting his things and moving out to his friend's house. And he did. He's not working and sick of me 'telling him what to do'. I figure he will either sink or swim. At least we haven't dealt with cops and all of the drama with him that we did a few years back with our oldest daughter, now 21 (yes, our kids, the oldest and youngest, are spaced far apart). He's just wanting the independence without any responsibilities like chores, curfew, etc.

I'm so ready for a breather, like as in a day off or something lol. But I had some butter pecan cake earlier that was pretty good too...off to bed here in a few. Just had to get in a little downtime, 'me' time, while everyone else is asleep. Hugs to everyone here. I'll respond to some posts and get caught up some more soon.

Just got off the phone a few minutes ago with Mom. She was in a good mood on Saturday. I was under the weather a little on Sunday, so I called her a little later - just went to her answering machine. So, yes I was in the doghouse for not calling her earlier. Every Sunday though she is in a FOUL mood. It's so boring, I never thought I'd be all alone. Well, maybe if you weren't always complaining or telling people what to do, they'd come and visit you?
So I figured she'd be in a bad mood today. Yep. She was going on about how her fingers are useless, her arm hurts (she won't go to the doctor). Not sure what she wants me to do. She'll say "you're always on that computer, and you know so much, surely you can't find something to fix it?" No, I'm not a doctor. I've gotten her pain creams, heating pads, etc., none of which 'work'. I'm really done with buying her anything else. I got to hear her 'greatest hits' again - how she helped "people" (aka me), and if she knew then what she knows now she wouldn't do it. She never thought of herself though. She wanted to move far away when my dad died. Nope. Never the case. She never says where she would've liked to move either. It's a fantasy. If only we horrible "kids" would've allowed her to move, her life would be so wonderful now. She has to have a scapegoat, and I'm goat #1. She also didn't quite make it to the bathroom multiple times yesterday. I'm not sure if it's a ploy to say, I really need to move in with you or what. And if she even visited, we'd review on when she would intake liquids, have regular bathroom breaks, and wear heavy duty Depends. I do not plan on operating a 24 hour laundromat, not when it can be avoided.
She even mentioned that her friend is debating on what new flooring to have installed in her home, carpeting or wood flooring. Hmmmm. I am debating the same, but very much leaning towards the tile that looks like wood. Mom is very pro wall to wall carpeting. I don't think her friend is looking to install squat. I think it's a passive aggressive way of telling me to get carpeting. I'm actually planning on getting new everything - it's time. I had her ear in my head when I got the last living room furniture, and it's not me. It's her. I'm getting what I want. She even told me she called her friends to tell them it was windy and they needed to get their garbage cans in NOW. Her one friend didn't do it right away, and Mom was a little ticked off by it. That friend will take her good time to do something; she doesn't let anyone boss her around. Mom really has little self awareness; she unconsciously pushes people away with her actions.
I'm now debating if I go there for Mother's Day. She got a call back from her landscaper, but did not return his call. I know she wants me to do the work. She expects me to work hard for her - and hard work is manual labor. I do not work hard at my day job - it's just sitting at a computer, after all. I told a friend I should go to a medical supply store and get a neck brace, saying oh I have a displaced vertebrae, so I can't do any manual labor. Or maybe walk in with crutches - nah, I'd still have to sit on the ground and trim/pull weeds.
She was really wanting a fight tonight, baiting me. I kept the phone on mute, writing in my journal. As a narcissist, I know she has to get the attention, be it positive or negative. I'm half waiting for a late night call where she yells at me; she's not done that in a while. But, I have to remember to not take the bait.
Someone asked if she'd been tested for dementia or other mental disorder; she won't go to the doctor. She's partially intimidated by him, plus he's not a chatty sort, so he doesn't flatter her or compliment her. She also doesn't like anyone else to tell her what to do, she knows best. She's even said, these doctors now days, they don't know a thing! So unless she's really sick, no way to get her there.
Thanks for letting me vent

Sharyn, my oldest has just recently divorced. Their home was a stressful place to visit they were angry with each other much of the time. At stupid stuff that really didn't matter in the whole scheme of things. It has been stressful for them both, double payments, rent and mortgage, utilities. They finally got a contract on their home to close the third week in May. What a relief. Then the stress of her trying to find a rental, the market is tight and expensive, but cheaper than two payments.

So sad. Hard for all.

i didnt mention the other day my son and dil are separating. He is not sharing what their issues are and that is ok. He can’t move out until June as they have a lease. He has been depressed and feels he will be better once he moves out. They would celebrate their 10 year anniversary in November.

Did everyone get to their appointments today?
I went, got weighed, and I am a loser!!!
0.4 lb. (that is 1/2 a pound.)