The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Golden. thx for asking. I checked blood pressure day before yesterday and it was a healthy 111 over 76. My pulse a little high at 96 beats per min. but I'll take it.

Received some disturbing news. Those who know me on here know I have a brother with schizophrenia and an addiction problem.He suffered a brain aneurysm on the 6th and is in I C U. He is stable for now. Prayers much appreciated.

Golden, just take it slow and easy. You will get there. I had about two years between caregiving and mom's passing. It was a very strange two years for me. I went from doing all, moving out of state, so doing nothing at all. My grief, I think was over that four years of providing care.

Yes, I have requested detail four times now since Decemeber and the 35K discrepancy. Nothing provided so far. Told ts2 that spreadsheet format should be downloadable through the bank. How does she respond? Thanks for the info. Heck, she knows that. Just hopes that I am as stupid as she thinks I am. A court order I think is the on my way. That option will also include that she pay her own attorney fees and mine.

Gershun - how's your blood pressure doing? I hope you are feeling better.

cm -for me white coat syndrome relates to the doctor. I had proper readings with only one doctor - a very laid back guy. Go figure.

glad - I suspect there is a rat at work, You are right you need details. Are you going to ask for proof re the accounts? Such a mess!

jamma - your grandma is pushing your guilt buttons. It certainly would be healthier for you to be away from her. I am glad you are staying away 1 night a week for a start. Her falling would not be your fault. She needs some care, and if her brother can do it, you are off the hook. Take care of you!

duck - let go and let God is good. You can't change others or some situations, and many you can't please. Working on loving yourself is great. Did APS come? How is the groin pain?

Linda - oh my, I realize the need for self care more and more -even after the fact. Yes, the negativity and criticism affect us even when we think we are doing well. How is you mum -did she have a UTI or TIA? What's your new plan for dealing with the stress? If I had to do it again, I would have detached and distanced sooner and more.

Having more better days from the FM. Melatonin seems to be helping. And the better weather must help too. Saw a blue jay in the garden and my squirrel friend is out and about. The driveway s clear of snow but I still have a pile on the front lawn. That's normal for April here.

I am going through some emotions related to mother's passing. After 3 months feelings tend to come out more, I am flaky, getting stressed over a few things that normally I wouldn't - that kind of thing. It's not major but it is there. I certainly am not missing her, but I guess it is an adjustment period for "life after a narc mother" and a time of finding my new normal. After 80+ years. I am coming out from under the narc rule - something I longed for all my life and it is finally here, It's a good thing, just different, and I have to figure out what I want from here on in.

Take care all - no one is more affected by that than you, and you are worth it.

We need to be careful about our own health and the effects of dealing with our difficult parents. I got a call last night that my mom was quite confused and upset. I spoke with her for a little while, and she had no idea where she was or that she lived there. She expected to be dropped off at my house. I've never seen her with that level of confusion and rolled with it. Then she shifted into snarky mode. I remained calm and thought I was ok when I hung up. I took my blood pressure a little later, and was still up 20 points. My pulse rate didn't go to normal until 1AM. They'll check for a UTI and it's possible there was a TIA. In any case, it made me realize this stuff takes more of a toll than we realize. I need a new plan to manage the stress of dealing with her.

Duck, I hope that all goes well with APS and results in needed improvements and care for mom.

JAmma
I agree with previous responses. Guilt, shame and blame are powerful tools dont call into the trap. Your intuition tells you truth. You are young. Follow your dreams. Try and get her help or support and move out. What we think is love will suck you dry then kick you to the curb thinking you did something wrong

Golden sciatica did Cross my mind. I will Check And see suggestions help. Glad you are feeling better.

I hope this post finds everyone in good spirit and health.

I finally got intouch with APS. Case manager for meals on wheels says he has been calling and came to house and left number. I filled out something on web a while back and I have been getting at lots and lots of scam calls. Anyways I check the messages and none were from APS . When I did contact the gentleman on the case his call back numbers 1, his cell phone which I noticed had called me around the 13th of last month. I called back and didnt get answer. In fact the his office numbers did same thing one just automatically hung up so this is why I missed him.

Well we are on point now. I have his office number and cell phone. He will be coming to house in am this week. I am a nervous wreck but I know this is the right thing. Shysta is going to hit the fan. By the way twisted turned shower head to spary me this past sunday. It kind of made me feel good to know I pissed her off about something. Talking to a lady on the bus today really helped she was like mess her up by not paying it anymind. I have done that a life time with her crazy and it just empowers her. I am praying that the smoke screens and manipulations, lies and most of all the truth comes out.

I am prepared for some retaliation. God's justice will prevail. I pray for strength and preseverance thoughtout this investigation. I am rolling up my sleeves and getting ready for the fight its will be a done deal by the end of the week. I will learn more about the process when we meet.

I sure hope you all are in good spirits. I am not caught up but Gershun, that pressure is not proper at all and I hope by now you have addressed it with a medical doctor.

My pressure is still high. I have just learned about coconut water. Very high in potassium. It helps to bring it down. Whats great for me is it brings down the diastolic pressure (lower number) which most meds just dont do for me. So my numbers are still red on the readings and sometimes normal on the systolic.

I dont believe in coincidences. My friend and neighbor was in a less cantankerous way this morning and susgesst yoga and breathing, that I take care of me as I go thought this. I soaked it up. On bus a woman said the same thing to me as we talked. Also a woman was on the train and just started crying her friend was sitting next to me and she missed a seat by a second by a women. You just never know what people are going though and how there is always someone or something worse. My heart went out to her, I had to fight to hold back tears. The train was crowded but I want to put my arm around her and tell her what I have seen in each and every moment I have been in the pain that makes you cry. That we have to look to God, He got us in his hand. And that its going to be alright.

I am so trying to learn to live by letting go and letting God. Trying to make things happen, make people happen, please everyone and make things right and how I want them to be. Then look up after being broken and rejected to see its only me and God. And His Presence is very true.

Anyways, I am still exhausted, tired, I have something to look forward to. I am gong to check out a yoga place two blocks away I found on line. Try to change and love myself.

Rays of light and love to all. and SMILE!!!

Thanks for the encouragement polarbear and golden23. This site is kinda hard to use and keep traxk of everyone but I appreciate the replies.
My mom passed away 3 yrs ago and didn't want me to end up caretaking but here I am because I hate feeling like I'm a bad person and my grandma threatens to not talk to me if I move out and I feel she needs me. (Im kinda messed up maybe I need to be needed?) Its my fault I haven't left yet.
Update on me staying away 1 night a week: I'm going to do it. She doesn't want help finding someone to stay with her and says she'll stay with her brother.
She tells me it'd be better if I just moved out. i don't know if its just her trying to make me feel bad or what. She says won't accept my help if I leave/try to live my own life.
I feel like if I stay away or leave and she falls it'll be my fault. I bet she'll fall on purpose because she's really dramatic like that.

I was just asking about this on your profile, Glad. :-) Cute doggo avatar.

Yes, used up, very cute pup. Not mine, had to put down my golden a year and a half ago. Think about another sometimes. Thought maybe the pic would help. Just don't know if I want the responsibility of a dog again. Put that pic up on international puppy day.

Gladimhere, Cute dog in your avatar.

Heard from ts2 last night, email. She said she was working on putting a single document together. Heck it is in a single document now as a summary. That summary spreadsheet came from something. I would prefer the original documents anyway. That is the only way that discrepancies could be discovered anyway. Where did that 35k go? It has reappeared but I small a rat.

Maybe I should request proof that both twisteds still have account setup that mom started for each of us. A requirement of the trust is that each of us keep that account. Hmmm, makes me wonder.

Gershun, white coat syndrome generally refers to the deceptively high reading that some people get for some reason after they've been snubbed by the receptionist, spent an hour and a half in a waiting room squished in between a teething baby and a smelly man with bronchitis and finally get seen eighty minutes past their appointment time by a twelve year old doctor who doesn't see fit to apologise that they've been kept waiting. Funny, that.

What is your blood pressure normally, is the thing. If this is unusually low and you have other symptoms, go and get seen. Don't guess and don't wait.

Thx Golden for the info. I'll take everything you said and my machine to the doctor after I've done the analysis. I do take my readings about once a week and usually in the evening but I'll start doing what you said.

Hi Levianthan welcome. I don't understand how you were chosen to be POA without your consent. You have to sign documents and need not do that if you do not want the job. Saw on your profile that your mum is quite ill. Dysfun siblings are common here. I am sorry yours don't help. We know all about sibs making trouble -all too common. Can you get some help from someone else? You have to look after yourself. Care giving is very stressful.

jamma - what polarbear said. You are too young to be saddled with this. I agree you do not need discuss to with her. Just make your own plans and move out giving her adequate notice.

polarbear - well said

cm - details are good

trying -are you getting enough rest? Glad you are feeling better. Thx for the encouragement. Today was much better.

gershun - thx. The flu seems to have really triggered flareups. Woah -a bp of 94/84 sounds off to me. Pulse pressure (systolic minus diastolic) should be in the range of 30-50 according to the web. Yours was only 10 last night and that is too low,IMO. I had a friend whose normal BP was 90/50 but she did not have your symptoms and had a normal pulse pressure. What I do when I want to convey something about my BP to the dr is keep a spreadsheet over a few weeks of my BP taken morning and evening. Take it 3x each am and pm and then average the three figures. for that am or pm. That gives a pretty reliable picture of your bp. Mine is almost always high at the drs but they believe me that it is white coat syndrome when I show them the spread sheet. I took my machine in once to a doctors office to compare it with his machine. That convinced him. Your hub gets angry b/c he worries about you. No fun for you.

glad - so happy to hear about your neighbours progress. I hope, being young, she will recover totally. How is ts2? Last you reported she had some health issues and your request to her re the estate was not moving ahead. I agree we aren't cheerful all the time.

Melatonin and robaxin seem to be helping thankfully. Today was reasonable.

Darn snow - partially melted and I hope it will be gone next week. It is still below freezing at night and more snow expected on Sunday, Ugh!!!

Take care all. Do something good for you.

Neighbor is making progress, held chap stick, put it on, took hair out of braid and tried to brush her hair. Wrote a bit on an envelope. Phew, a relief and good to hear, it has been three weeks now since the accident.

I had a very grumpy day a couple of weeks ago, have no idea what that was about. It think it is just normal, whatever that is. We cannot all feel wonderful, cheerful and ready to take on the world all the time.

Golden, sorry you have been feeling low.

Ali, sorry you've been grumpy. I get it. I posted on another site that my blood pressure has been really low. Too low I'm thinking. Hypotension I guess they call it? I think. I feel faint almost. I was sitting down for dinner yesterday evening with dh and felt like the room was spinning for a moment. Didn't tell him cause he gets angry when I'm not feeling well. Don't ask me why. He either overreacts or says, ah, you're fine.

Yes, I know the obvious thing would be go to the doctor but when he tests my pressure on his machine it reads normal. White coat syndrome I guess. But my readings on home machine are pretty low. Last night 94 over 84.

Golden - so sorry to hear you were not feeling well. do something extra special for yourself

Thanks guys! Today was better, the morning was tough but I felt better by evening. Ali- I agree it probably has something to do with the change of seasons.

Jamma, just talk us through the background - how did your grandmother come to move into your house, and when?

jamma - you are too young to be spending your life taking care of an elder. At your age, you should be out working, building your career, making a life for yourself, not at home babysitting a childish 87 y.o. granny.

Your goal should be to move out on your own, and reclaim your life. Who will take care of granny? Her children if there are any left. If not, she should move to an assisted living facility or go live with her brother, not hijack your life so she can live. The longer you stay, the more life she'll suck out of you.

You are not responsible for her happiness. So what if she blames you for her unhappiness. So what if she blames you for a bad hair day or global warming. It's not your responsibility to make her happy. It's hers.

She says it's too expensive to hire someone, so that means you're working for free. Why do you have to talk to her about you reclaiming your life? Why? You need her permission to live your life? NO. YOU DON"T. Just do it as Nike says. Just TELL her, not ASK her.

Are you working right now? If not, you need to. You need a job to support yourself, and MOVE OUT.

Hi Everyone! Got a boat load of dysfunction over here, but I am trying to be grateful my situation could be much more stressful. Just turned 30 and I am the sole caretaker for my 87 yr grandma who is only diagnosed as having 'histronics' - not a medical term anymore. All I know is that she is extremely controlling with guilt trips, prone to anxiety, acts like a child, and my grandfather and mother took care of her every whim and she expects me to be like that too. We have no other family members to help. Anything I do she will blame me for all her unhappiness. I want to start spending 1 night away from the house and she is already coming up with all these reasons I shouldn't. I really need to reclaim my life and have space, but she tells me I hate her and she's all alone. I don't think anyone would want to live with her. I don't know what to do, but next Wednesday I want to stay away from home. Usually I deal with these situations childishly, but I'm trying to grow up BUT she won't have grown up conversations with me about the situation. What if I just hire someone to stay with her? She'll hate it and it is too expensive. She said she would stay with her brother, but I know he doesn't want that and she's just saying it to keep me here. Too many words sorry, HELP

I am the yougest of 5 children, been chosen withou my consent as the poa for mom and dad and only found out after my dad's death. But i can understand why since ive always been the only one that cared for them and when out of my way and sacrificed to help them. Sometime i feel like giving up, no one helps, sisters and brother only pretend they care but never around unless they want something...its like they dont see my moms condition deteriorating.....instead they cause troubles to make things harder for my mother and i. I know this sounds crazy but it is what it is.

glad -yes warped floors. I hope the sub floor is OK. Good luck with the weeds and landscaping. We have snow today again It doesn't sound great for your neighbour, sadly. Mississippi pot roast sounds good.

duck - sorry your MRI was cancelled. Groin pain can be sciatica. Oldest son had it. Hope APS shows up soon. Try to relax.

tg - been wondering how you and yours are. I also agree you need to heed your wife. Your generosity with family is backfiring. As I recall your wife had some health issues from the stress. Do you think dad hiding things could be a sign of decline? Why are you afraid to leave dad alone in the house? Is he not safe with the stove? He doesn't have to be ill to go to a facility, There is subsidized seniors housing, and IL or AL where he could have partial care like meals. Having a parent living in your home is very difficult for many. Do you plan on keeping him for the rest of his life?

hi ginger - distancing from the dysfun fam is great. My sis (older) is the golden child too. I have had life long negativity too, but thankfully my dad was not part of it. I have had the "make up with sister" talk too. No, thank you and for the same reasons. Honestly I am not sure that narcs get hurt by no contact or just miss the game playing. You are entitled to a decent life without the fam dram

cm - good point about the objective assessments

trying - hate those kind of days. For me, usually I am dealing with some anger or loss from an unrelated source. Makes total sense to not call your mum when you are feeling that way. Hope you feel better tomorrow.

ali - you have had a lot of illness recently. I find I am irritable post flu for example, and, yeah, waiting for spring to REALLY come.

Had a nasty day with fm pain and the chills. I am over it now, but totally wiped. When I am up to it I need to go downtown and buy a new dishwasher and look at flooring. It is completely white outside again and still snowing. I'll wait till it stops and melts.

Had some bad (hopefully not too bad) news from dd. Her hub (sil) has been tired and tests showed some heart concerns. He will see his dr. and I am waiting for am update. He is a hard working man with no bad habits so I doubt it is lifestyle, except perhaps the hours of overtime which is hard on the body. Prayers appreciated.

Have a good night, everyone. A wool blanket and hot drinks for me.

Trying, I've felt like that lately, too. I've been more irritable than usual and couldn't shake it, even though I'm aware of it and trying to get myself to move on, trying to stop being such a grouch. I wonder if this time of year has something to do with it. It's the end of a long winter for a lot of us.

I am having an angry day for some reason. I had little patience with the kids at school, not their fault, they were just being their tween-age "middle school" selves. I did NOT call Mom today, I simply could not listen to her complaints. I snapped at my husband twice about silly stuff. I just want to throw something and I don't know why. I am going to veg in front of TV and go to bed. Tomorrow will be better...I hope. Thanks for listening,

TG. I hope you're not closing your ears to anything your wife might be trying to tell you about changes she has observed in your father.

What if it isn't just a matter of cleaning up after him, pain in the neck though it might be, but that she is becoming genuinely concerned about his safety when he's alone. You sure you're really listening to what she says? Have there been any recent objective assessments?

Hugs Ginger May. I'm just very sad to read your post.

So. What improvements does your father think he and your sister should contribute to the family dynamic? Where does he think they could do better, be more supportive, try harder to understand your point of view?

H'm. Is that a stampede of tumbleweeds I'm hearing?

Give your parents what you're okay with giving, because you want to give it. Not ever because it's being demanded of you.

I have felt better than I've felt my whole life since distancing from my mom with early AD and my rigid dad. Mom has narc tendencies and dad is her enabler. Older sister is their golden child. The three of them align negatively against me my entire life. No contact with my sister in over one year. Reduced contact with parents several months ago. It is easier for me to just not talk to them, but I decided to try boundaries with parents. They call several times a week never needing anything but my attention. Each message dad tells me mom is depressed and I am the cause of it. He tells me she needs to see me more. He tells me I should call her more, should visit her more, should bring my husband over. They tell me I should "make up" to my sister. (Make up to my sister for not speaking to her after she repeatedly treated me badly.) They make me responsible for their struggles. Any contact with them just makes me feel bad about who I am as a person. It is a familiar lifelong feeling. I am trying to find a happy balance of contact, but have not found it yet. I don't want to hurt them, but I don't like feeling so bad around them.

Havent been here in a while, trying to come to grips with dealing with Dad. Its been going on 5 years now since he moved in. In the mean time Daughter moved in with now X son in law for 2 years and she has moved out and in with a now future son in law (we like this one). Its a merry go round in our house. Other daughter is out of work and looking for a job and I am sending her money to keep her apartment and health insurance (my vacation fund).
The big issue is no privacy. Dad is here 24/7 and I work at home. We dont go anywhere as we have to be sure the house is still standing when we come home and no one will watch my dog ( I watched everyone else's for a long time).
My wife finaly admited yesterday our marriage is suffering. Not is a bad way just we dont act like we did before all of this change. We have taken to writing notes and whispering so Dad doesnt hear and tell everyone else in the family every tidbit and gets it wrong.
Dad has taken to not disclosing the whole truth lately. After the Mexico trip saga where he got an almost free trip from his church friend (turned out he had to pay in the end). He goes out and doesnt say what he is up to when asked or makes other excuses. Really I dont care what he does as long as it doesn't affect me. He gets out and socializes which is wonderful. He leaves the house right after I do so he doesn't think I know (thank you video surveillance and phone notifications and I am linked to his bank account). Yesterday at dinner, "so what did you do today?", "oh just went to the shore and a store"...... "That was it?" I ask... "pretty much, saw a light house". It turns out he was with his church friend for the day. I know her very well and she tells her daughter everything who is also friends with my daughter. Apparently they had a good time together. They go out to lunch once or twice a month which is fine with me he socializes but he has taken to not telling the whole truth lately.
Having him here is taxing on me and my wife. Siblings are no where to be found. In the beginning it was I'll take dad 6 months you take dad 6 months. She cant take him 6 days. If I reach out to a sibling with an olive branch I will get it back with a sharp end and stuck in my eye......
Dad is somewhat mobile, he goes to lodge 2 times a week, church on Sundays and a few meetings a month for a couple hours. We get about 2 hours on Sunday morning to ourselves. We long for a weekend cabin away but my wife is afraid to leave to house alone with him. I planned a 2 week long awaited vacation but that has fallen through so did our week at the lake this summer. I plan to try to get my sister to take dad for a month this summer. Not sure it will work as my BIL and he dont really get along after 2 or 3 days. He is not ill enough to go to a facility, I cant push him off on other relatives they have their own lives.
He loves to be taken care of when he visits, everyone lavishes over him for a couple days so his head gets really big.
I have friends in similar situations with parents or children and are experiencing the same issues.
No he cant live on his own, no money and wont take care of himself. I have given up on managing his health care as he wont listen to me. I make fairly healthy dinners 6 nights a week so he is not deprived in anyway shape or form.
Anyone else experience similar issues or am I just b*tching too much?
Frustrated and exhausted.....