The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Thanks Glad. Sis stays overnight twice a week w Mom and Dad although she gets there at their bedtime and leaves early in the morning so she really does not see them in action for long. I like the idea of bringing in a geriatric care manager but I doubt Sis would do that. I think she just does not want to see reality.

In regards to the labor violations, I have told her at least twice how serous it can be if you are caught paying under the table. She does work with an elder attorney which our folks pay for. According to Sis, the lawyer said what she is doing is OK. I find that hard to believe for the following reason. I ran my own business for over 20 years. In our state the laws are quite strict on contract labor vs hired employees. These caretakers are considered employees and Sis is responsible for paying half their FICA along with deducting all appropriate taxes and filing a W2. She is also responsible for paying workmans comp.

Sis dismisses anything I tell her and accuses me of trying to mess up her efforts if I voice a concern.

Unfortunately I think we are reaching a turning point and I need to decide if I want to get involved or wait for the natural consequences of what is developing to just happen. I might voice my thoughts/ides and make it very clear that I am not going to be available to step in, in any meaningful way, if her current system falls apart. Then let go and let the chips fall where they may.

Glad, I was disheartened to learn Flood Insurance premium has been increased over 20% in only one year! Just how do these prices correlate with the measly cost of living people on Social Security receive?! Must be due to all the hurricane flooding claims in the last couple of years. While we have retirement savings, they won’t go far enough with the insurance and drug pricing increases we are experiencing in the US. I keep tweaking the budget, trimming costs wherever we can. But, frankly, most people don’t earn enough over their lifetime to be putting enough money into a retirement kitty sufficient for today’s prices....gloomy in the head today.
Have been working on compiling records for income tax prep. Daunting task, given interstate move and three hospitalizations, hubs’ two major surgeries, in 2018. My own hospitalization sidelined me months, when I could do virtually nothing more than pet care. Had to teach spouse how to purchase and prepare ready to cook meals at grocery store, as his mother never taught him basic household skills. Did that from my bed. Now I am well enough to do all the home tasks, plus all hubs’ unpaid business support. Unless you call my daily meals my payment for working so hard....dang, I need an attitude adjustment, lol.

Trying, good to hear from you.

I think sis needs to spend a couple of weeks with the folks. Then maybe she will realize the help they need. Or get an assessment done by the Agency on Aging or a Geriatric Care Manager.

Does she know that paying someone under the table can cause issues with Medicaid should the folks ever need it? That is to say nothing about the Department of Labor if one of these caregivers were to report it. Sis needs to speak with an elder law attorney to understand the law and to better provide for your folks. The elder law attorney would be on folks' dime.

Hi all! I have a bit of time so I thought I would share.

I fear we are entering a new phase with my parents. Sadly Mom and Dads abilities have been slowly deteriorating and I think it might be time to talk about the next step. My folks have people staying over night in case of a fall and people come in to do their meds and to help with bathing and housekeeping but they spend a number of hours a day alone in their home.

A few weeks ago Mom fell and got some nasty bruising (nothing broken thank goodness). Dad was able to help her up this time but the last time that happened Mom was on the floor for four hours (she did not use her lifeline).

Friday after work I went to see them and both Mom and Dad were in bed. Dad is often in bed but that was unusual for Mom. Mom was hanging half off the bed so I put her legs up and tucked her in. She said she was tired and slept for an hour while I cleaned the kitchen. On the table were multiple plates and bowls of cold uneaten food (this is the third week in a row there has been food like that on the table).

Mom has become obsessed with feeding Dad because Sis decided they need to record everything he eats to make sure he consumes enough (apparently he lost a few pounds at one point). If a caretaker is not there, it is up to Mom to record Dads food but she has early dementia and loses track. As a result I think Mom has begun putting out multiple plates of food a day. Dad eats plenty but Mom fights with him to eat more. It's a mess. I don't think Sis understands much about cognitive decline and how Moms dementia affects the way she processes information in her mind.

Bro is worried too. He went over to see our parents a couple weeks ago and Mom had burned her sleeve and there was a burned grilled cheese on the stove. Bro and I both think it is time to talk about assisted living again but Sis runs the show and she is dead set against it. She says it is because of what Mom and Dad want but she also talks about preserving their money so there will be an inheritance (bro and I have both told her we do not care about that). Sis uses their money to hire caretakers under the table and pays low wages. She keeps the caretakers hours down as much as possible to save additional money. It's been OK up until now but things are changing. I think they need 24 hour supervision now. I dread going up against Sis and it will likely do no good because she is POA but I think we have to.

On a bright note. I did get that other position and I am finally away from the toxic work situation I was in for the past 3 1/2 years. The new team is great and our lead teacher is quite nice and very professional. She runs her program well and is clear and reasonable with what is expected of us. I am beginning to feel more relaxed and find myself smiling much more.

Take care all.

Glad, already sent my agent an email. Probably get quote tomorrow. Thanks for having my back!
SharynMarie, I am so sorry for all the troubles your brother has had. Actually, I saw a talk show segment not all that long ago, about delirium. It is apparently misdiagnosed, a lot. Very serious. Stay on it, hope for the best. Baby steps.

Thanks everyone, it is great my brother has turned the corner on his recovery. The dr at the rehab facility he was in for a while, told my sil he would not get any better. I hope my brother walks in there when he’s able and say, hey, remember me?

I have never ever heard of icu delirium until this happened to my brother. It sure can interfere with a persons recovery.

Have a a great day everyone, enjoy some shepherds pie or corn beef and cabbage for St. Patrick’s Day!

Girlsaylor, do it soon as when you purchase it, it will not go into effect for 30 days. And check the maximum payout on structure and possessions on the policy. I believe it will be $500.00 a year. Pretty cheap considering homeowners insurance will not cover flood loss.

Ali-
yes, since we are not in a flood zone, the price isn’t too bad. But really, anywhere on coastal southeast coast can flood. So ima gonna sign up, lol.

Hi all..

Just dropped in to say hi and see how everyone is doing. :-)

Sue

Just getting caught up here.
Sharyn - So happy to read your good news about Bro!

To all that were affected by the terrible storm and that B-cyclone it must have been scary! Hope all is settled and back to normal.

Duck - Hoping to hear you get good news about the biopsy.

waha - It is a hard thing to live with a spouse who is changing before our eyes. Does he have dementia? This is a good place to come for support. Glad you are here.

I have to go but will catch up more later and share my own news.

Sharyn, it's great to read a nice update about your bro. What a long journey this has been for him, but it's wonderful that he's improving. Your comment about your SIL's cough makes me think my recent bout could have been some extended version, too. I don't ever remember having active cold/cough symptoms for a month, but I had them the entire past month. Boo. Can't wait until everything is better and Spring is in the air. Soon! I remembered why things like ginger and lemon tea is sooo good when you're sick. I hope you have some things to help you cope with your virus.

Girlsaylor, your post reminds me how much work houses can be at times. There were a total of 5 trees that came down during my time at my grandparents house. I removed two smaller ones (because dead or not wanted) myself and got on ladders and sawed away at lower hanging limbs of all of them. There was a generator at that house and it was handy at times when storms would knock out power. Get your flood insurance in place! It's relatively inexpensive, isn't it? There was a flooded basement at the old house and thankfully due to the insurance, a $14k USD mitigation and repair was done to bring the basement back together again.

lol I love fixing up houses and putting in gardens, etc, but this reminds me of how many times, after several years at old house, I said I'd NEVER live in a house again. lol

It's work, but it's mostly fulfilling work, if it's your own investment.

Sharyn, great news about your brother! And you were even able to talk to him.

I feel guilty posting about our gorgeous days this week. So many got hit so hard with that Bomb Cyclone. We’ll get our sultry heat and hurricanes soon enough. Praying we can see our way clear to purchase a generator to run my oxygen in power outages. They are becoming a way of life here in coastal GA. But, right now I’m saving up to pay the remaining taxes, plus getting bids on some tree trimming. We have at least a couple of dangerous, huge, dead limbs that have to come down before hurricane season, risking the house and our lives right now. With moving from south FL last year, unexpected new roof, and several other things that had to be done before we could move in, we couldn’t see our way clear to tend to the trees last year. This year, I have to pick up flood insurance as well. Went without since buying the home 4 years ago, but with climate these days, I’m not gambling another year. Yikes, do you think my hubby has a clue what I do behind the scene?! Got tax appointment next week, plus one arborist coming so far. I’m requesting certificates of insurance and license, not letting any tree monkeys on our property, due to scam risk, getting sued. Some of these guys are not on the up and up, sadly, and I’m not risking somebody dropping a limb onto the house. So, I’ve been busy with the non-caregiving this week, as hubs has been doing decently.
Wish everybody here a good weekend!

The bomb cyclone, what a mess! We had high wind for 2 days but lots of snow higher up. Hope everyone is safe with no damage to your homes.

Duck, I hope you can get out soon. Prayers for good news from the biopsy.

Ive been sick with a virus, my son in law is still recovering from a lingering cough after 4 weeks. It has been a strange winter heading into spring. We get snow one day, the next it’s in the 50’s then back to snow. Today is beautiful with blue skies, no wind.

I talked with with my brother yesterday! It was great to hear his voice. He is slowing getting better. My sis said when he gets tired, he reverts back to being unaware of what is going on. Once he can walk without a walker, he can go home. Maybe in 4-6 weeks. He can only do pt every other day ecause he hurts too much the day after.

Get well Golden, bone broth sounds wonderful. I’m going to get an insta pot soon.

I noticed there was Tornado watch here today, Glad. Not a warning, just a watch. We drop 20º from high of 60 today to 40 tomorrow. Not going to get into freezing temps, though, thankfully. It's nothing compared to what you guys got!

Work was very slow, at least. I did ok for a few hours and then I was ready to crawl out of there and go home to bed. This particular eatery location relies on foot traffic and when the weather is off, it's usually slow.

Ali, that bomb cyclone is over you now. Is it windier than the Windy City usually is?
Getting any snow with it? Heck of a day to go back to work!

Hoping you all are safe as these storms move through! Stay safe. Let the other guy do the stupid stuff!

Winds still terrible, many road closures, office closed today. 🌼🌾🌲🌲🌲🍜🍜🍜💨💨🌺🌺

I am ready for spring so I can get out of the house. I am now the caregiver of my husband whose memory is really going downhill fast. He is living in the past most of the time. Old 40s and 50s songs, sayings, tv westerns and lies constantly. He hates me with a passion. He wanted to help our son today and I was glad to see him go for the day. (Our sons roof had severe wind damage and his sons house had part of the roof ripped off during the storms). He came home smelling like a wet, dirty ashtray. I am allergic to the smoke and he says he doesn't smoke. His mustache and beard have turned yellow from the tobacco and I can smell it. I had a nice day without smelling his cigarette smoke or the vape smoke. No coughing, sneezing, stuffed head or headache. Until he came home. I asked him why he got cigarettes. He denied it. Finally said he got some cigars. $5 for 2. Later he told me our grandson gave him a cigar. I asked why he told me he bought them and he denied it. A bit later, he said he had plenty of cigarettes put up. (Won't be if I see them. They will go in the trash). Then he accused me of an affair with his friend. No, I didn't and his friend has been dead about 15 years. So, he chose another friend. No No NO! I was so tired of his arguing and accusations I went to the kitchen to cook. Then he said he wasn't eating anything I fixed because I was trying to find a way to get rid of him. He will say one thing then change it to something else a couple of hours later. He says I'm crazy not him. No one tells him he is crazy. Says I need to be tested. I have been. Said our son told him he thought I wanted his dad to have dementia. My grand daughter said no he didn't. If it was spring, I could go out in the yard. It would be so nice.

The moose had heard the library had copies of the new NY Times bestseller thriller for lend. He was waiting to check it out but got a little sleepy during his wait.

That's some storm you got, Glad.

News just said winds closer to 60mph.

And moose closing libraries! 😀
https://denver.cbslocal.com/2019/03/13/silverthorne-library-moose/

And of course some just plain idiocy!😡
https://koaa.com/news/covering-colorado/2019/03/13/csfd-rescuing-person-stuck-on-manitou-incline/

Thanks for posting Glad! My son the actor is on the road, currently in Denver. Had a nice chat with him tonight: they cancelled the show due to the snow. Stay safe!

Snow has for the most part stopped, but is still WINDY, probably 40-50 mph, maybe more. At least my builder did a great job on Windows and doors. I am afraid to open garage door in the morning to see the drift that is most likely there, as not much snow in the yard it has gone somewhere.

And two hour delay for work tomorrow, trouble clearing roads due to numerous abandoned and stuck vehicles. Why do people even try in a storm like this?!

I am in and warm, power came back on after about four hours, so I am hunkered down with my snow flake chasing Ming and my electric blanket.😊 Stay in and warm all the storm is heading into Kansas and other points north and east. Hang on, it is a nasty one!

Ps internet took longer, maybe six hours as it is satellite, snow had to slow down so my satellite could see the tower.

Bomb cyclone is here, no power. Must sign off, save battery. Will read an old fashioned book for diversion instead of reading here. Hope power is back on soon, no heat. Wide spread outages.

Country Mouse—he doesn’t use it either. He was however forced to quit drinking alcohol by his doctor though! He also refuses to listen to anyone younger than him, and he refuses to listen to anyone who is a woman. So I’m going to be honest, we have washed our hands of him. Everything is a power struggle for him and I don’t want any part of it. His behavior is textbook psychological projection 24/7, when it’s not straight up racism, aggression and threats to blow someone’s head off.

Hi all, just getting caught up on here a little...

Glad, stay safe! I've heard of a nor'easter, and I'm not from the coast, but here in the midwest it's crazy too. Snow last week, 60 degree weather this week, but lots of wind and rain...so bizarre, like Mother Nature is drunk, ha!

Golden, glad you are feeling a little better. Take it easy and give yourself plenty of time to rest and recover. Easier said than done, I know.

DDDuck, I'm hoping for a good report for you on the biopsy and that surgery goes well also. You're in my prayers. I'm glad the case manager is reaching out to APS to get your mom the needed help. I know it's very hard, but it sounds like it's what needed to be done, for her safety and well-being. If a state guardian can be appointed somewhere along the line, that might be better for all involved. I know it will help to ease your mind, as I know it's been very stressful on you. Take care of yourself in the meantime in the midst of all of this and get plenty of rest.

Sissisu, I know it's hard dealing with a narcissistic loved one. You may have to limit the number of calls per week for your own sanity. Tell mom you'll talk to her on X day at X time, and just let any calls in between go to voicemail. It can be very draining, I know. You would NOT want her to live with you, even if you hit the jackpot, I promise you. BTDT.

Have been trying to take care of things here. We were scheduled to go out of town with the kids for spring break on a road trip, still are, but hubs is having an umbilical hernia repaired tomorrow. Was gonna cancel the trip, but he insists he will be fine to go, just will rest a lot (you know how men are). We are to leave this weekend. I sure hope he's right. The doctor said in a few days it will be feeling a lot better, but for the first few days it's going to be sore. I said that I will do the driving and enlist our 17 year old son to help too. We're looking at just wanting to take in the scenery and some R&R really, anyway, so the best thing is probably just to go and relax. If he's in too much pain, we won't go.

Still working on estate stuff too. I'll be so glad down the road when it's all closed out. I feel like it's symbolic for me of letting go of the long journey behind and moving forward, and I know it's still a process to go to get there. I've just been hoping we get through the rest without a lot of family drama.

I talked to another law firm yesterday regarding mom's estate, the whole situation about the house, etc, and explained that my sister hasn't been wanting to cooperate and that I wish to avoid a long, drawn out legal battle if possible. I've told my sister a couple of times that I don't want to fight, let's work together, etc, and she will give lip service but stalls and stonewalls and doesn't answer my calls when I talk about how we can resolve it. Meanwhile, the estate is still footing the bill for all of the maintenance, upkeep and insurance expenses.

I did decide to go ahead and serve as the administrator after all. I just wanted to make sure mom's final bills and everything got closed out and handled properly. Lord knows if my sister or any of the Narc bunch had their hands on it, anything left (which isn't much, just enough basically to pay the attorney and bills) would be pocketed and still mom's estate would be owing. I guess for me it's trying to honor mom's dignity even in death.

The attorney I talked to yesterday was very compassionate and has dealt with situations like these before. She says there is a chance the judge when we close out the guardianship and submit the final accounting will be able to order the house transferred back into mom's estate based on the documentation that we already have, and recommended we try that route first. If successful, it will avoid a civil suit, save legal costs, and get it resolved much more quickly. So I've decided to go with her instead...we'll see how it goes but I feel hopeful.

NoMore, I hope you are sternly advising your FIL to lay off the maryjane.

Funny story today. It’d be upsetting if it were not glaringly obviously untrue. So my fiancé and I both got pretty sick over the weekend/early week with upper respiratory infections. Ya know...fever between 100 and 102, chills, sore throat, coughing, aches, etc. I demanded to stay home and I am grateful to say that I did both Monday and Tuesday.

Here is the funny part.

When my fiancé told his father (abusive racist jerk, violent cluster B recovering alcoholic) that we were sick, his father refused to believe it and insisted that we were both suffering from MARIJUANA WITHDRAWAL SYNDROME. We don’t smoke, in fact we both lean towards being straight edge (we might have three glasses of wine between both of us a week at most if that).

Now the old racist has an an upper respiratory infection and he is refusing to take medicine or drink water or do anything to take care of himself, and acting like a toddler even more than usual. I can’t even. It’s more funny than upsetting! Karma really sucks doesn’t it? XD

I feel better for having stayed home for two days...

Beautiful day today, 58 degrees and under a blizzard warning, supposed to be a storm of epic proportion. Called a bomb cyclone. Usually on the east coast as a noreaster. And such a pleasant day today.

Now the winds and rain are starting. Office has announced a noon closing tomorrow, about the time the snow is to start. But, it is looking like the start time may be off. Schools have announced closure for tomorrow and Thursday already.

Happy to be in a warm house and hopefully will not lose power. We do not usually have use for generators around here.

Sissu, I feel for you. Hold your ground.

Girlsaylor, thanks. The surgery is not scheduled. I have to have another test done which is sheduled in two weeks. Then I see the surgeon. I will get biopsy report hopefully this week. Surgery will be scheduled after the abdominal study is done for the mass they see in the scans and after consult from the Gastro Doctor, Surgeon and Oncologist. They want to take the mass out with the hysterectomy.

I spoke with the casemanager for the meals on wheels and asked what my sister and nephew said when she contacted them. She said she spoke with her supervisor and since she has been on the case for three years and no movement has been made in my mohters behalf she is authorized based on her finding to contact APS without contacting them. So I am looking to hear from them by the end of this week. I am a nervous wreck. And got a lot done, I want to say had a windfall, with my room before I left work. Long story short there is a clearance and I threw out a lot of stuff. A few more wind falls and things will be looking good. Sometimes I cant see the forest for the trees and dont feel like messing with the trees, Today I saw the forest and I tried to cut it down! I made a nice clearance lol. Its so crazy that the things I need to do I find so hard to do. I felt so good about myself and happy when I left out for work this afternoon. Yay Yay Yay!!!.

I will see thearapist in lthe morning and then psychiatist for recertification for the therapy.

I hope everyone is in a good and happy place,

Rays of love and light to all.