The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Mom has been ok off and on, having a few rants at me every now and again. Honestly, for the regular rant, I'm almost becoming used to it as a norm, like yeah it's Monday, so I'm due to be yelled at again. Wed or Thurs and Sat are usually "good" days for her because she gets out of her house. Wed/Thurs is grocery and pick up a bite to eat. Sat is church. The rest of the week is a crapshoot as to her mood.
So I called her last Friday. She'd been fine during the entire week to that point. She starts in oh I made a sandwich (hot) and it's cold before I can sit down to eat it. Ok, well I know her. She gets so distracted that when I cook for her, I keep stuff on the stove or in the oven until the last minute, until she's at the table, because it takes her forever to get to the table. I'll give her at least a 5 to 10 minute head's up - go do what you need to do, but she'll just sit. Several times, I had the meal out and she said oh it's not very hot now. Well, it was when I put it out and I gave you a timeframe when it would be there. Usually I hear how busy she is and how she has things to do. No, I see you just sitting watching tv. So anyhow, I hit the mute button on the phone. She wanted a fight. Then she said, did you rearrange the things in front of the furnace in the garage so you could get your car in the garage? No. I didn't touch her stuff (it's a mess - no way did I touch it). Well, I think you DID. Really nasty attitude. I lost it and said yes, I did it. Well, goodbye. Hung up. I did call her on Saturday (even though I had an issue with a water leak - think a poor roofing job - which I've had the same issue/weather conditions twice now in roughly 8 years (time to get a roofer out to check it out later this spring I guess), plus I was sick. I called Sunday, and again no answer. So she was pouting. She called me late on Sunday, and said nice of you to call. Say what? I called twice. Well you didn't leave a message. No, but I called. I explained what was going on with me and she said 'what a house' because according to her I had no right whatsoever to buy a home without her okaying it FIRST. I'm 10 years old in her mind, not nearly of retirement age. Then I said I'd been sick. You need to get to a real doctor. She doesn't go to a doctor herself, because he doesn't know anything (typical Narc response - she knows more). Secondly, she doesn't know my doctor one bit. I said I told you a few people at work had some sort of stomach flu last week. Oh. Spoke to her last evening, she was ok. She called me today, while I was still working. No answer, but left a voice mail. I listened to it. Full rant. She went into her bathroom and there was another ant. I've seen them. They are tiny. I picked up one in my hand because she said that's not an ant (around Christmas). Yeah take a look, your basic ant. Got ant traps and voila. Apparently she's seen 2 to 3 (now 4 total) in her shower. I don't want them in my bedroom and closet! She poured hot water on it and it was gone. But her knee was ready to 'give out', and she wants to get her hair cut and doesn't know if she can climb up the curb (I think there's a handicapped ramp - it's in a strip mall). She said then you need to feel some shame what you've done to me. Her mantra is that I needed to buy a ranch style home and have her move in with me. That was HER dream. Yes, but my nightmare! I told her it wouldn't work. 'Says you!' Right there is your answer. We're not compatible. You don't even want to try! Been there done that with your prior visits. So anxious before and during, and the relief when she left was overwhelming. She also added she's not going into no damned nursing home! Her memory is better than mine. She knows more! She doesn't realize this validates my decision even more. I'm afraid at some point, I'll have to have her live with me. Maybe I can win the lottery/get a huge house first? LOL.

Duck, is your surgery scheduled? Hoping you feel so much better afterwards!

Nighty, nite, Golden.

I contacted an attorney friend of mom's to review the objection and motion. Emailed the objection to her on Friday she said she would get back to me on Saturday. She was on a plane from Florida to New York to see her doc's. Cannot remember what all she said, but an enlarged heart. So, have not heard back from her. Maybe she is hospitalized? I don't know about enlarged hearts. Anyone?

Well a very nice pleasant day here today, mid 50's but now blizzard warning for Wednesday and Thursday. Those farmers must be working hard to get the animals taken care of.

duck - I am glad you are looking after your health. Prayers for good results.

thx glad -feeling better but still very tired, and a few chills, but the coughing has almost stopped. Has anything happened re ts2 and the estate?

I have been napping in the daytime which is a good way to deal with the flu. I don't have much energy, but I was craving home made chicken soup so I put some chicken bones in the electric pressure cooker this afternoon. They are cooked enough so I should have good bone broth to make soup tomorrow.

Bedtime here.

Take care all.

Duck, Hoping that biopsy results are negative. My mom had fibroids, ended up having them removed along with hysterectomy. She felt so much better after it was all done. Hope it all works out well for you.

glad, u r right from day 1.

i held a key down too long and typing means holding every key down for 2 seconndds

Golden, take care of you, the flu is awful and is slow leaving. Hope you feel better soon.

Duck, hope all goes well with the biopsy. You have APS now looking at home condition? Maybe twisted and nephew will realize that there are things that have to be done and NOT on your dime. Maybe it will be time for you to get out. You know that is what would be best for you and long past due.

Golden, I hope you are better. I am just getting over something and now my client has either a bad cold or the flu so here I go again, hopefully not.

I hope everyone is in good health and spirits.

This week was a rough one for me. Met with oncologist, had biopsy, waiting for results. Surgery is definitely in future regardless of results. Fibroids off the wazzzu! I saw the pictures and of the mass they found. Dang it was a lot to look at.

Meanwhile the next day I had the recert intake for my mother's meals. Also presented what I had of my mothers finances. I didnt have all. Meanwhile I am asking her what will happen if nephew and sis refuse to pay out of my mothers funds. That I could not afford to pay it all. $22.20 an hour. Well anyway I show her the bills, I hadnt even opened them just picked them up from mail the day before. Again, the bill is behind at least a few months. I showed her the shed which she says is a part of the house, a room off kitchen. I showed her the bathroom floor by toilet which is buckling and caving in after a flood. She is reporting situation to APS. Requesting an outside guardian to monitor my mothers care and tx. Yay!!. I just hope they dont find a need to condem house or put my mother in nursing home or put us out. I dont know how it works but I feel it is a good thing and that finally I will see some real justice. I mean dang a lifetime of sabatoge without seeing anykind of correction was making me feel bitter and angry and wanting vengeance. The best vengeance is correction of wrong. I am hoping to see it. All I want is what is best for my mother. And of course my own security and safety. Please keep us in your prayers this is going to be a big situation. As its going to be very hard for my sister and nephew. Now she can really sabbatoge my character and intents but hopefully these people are professional and trained and see through my sisters beautiful lies and manipulation with the support of my policeofficer nephew. I am truly hoping and feeling its going to have a good end for me and my mother.

Frazzeled I hope you are okay and taking care of yourself. Ik

Sharyn, I hope your brother is still making good progress.

Vic and Girl, I hope you are both hanging in, and getting resources that can help.

Chris, A doctor is not violating if he accepts information on his patient from a third party. Violation can only occur if he speaks about a patient with a third party or if he/she gives out information about the patient. Write a l{tier to the doctor and leave with the receptionist. You do not have to sign your name. You can give this information to the local police, the state highway patrol or the local driver’s license bureau.

chris - as far as I have every understood it and read here that people do it, concerned family can remit information to the dr of their loved one. It is one way commutation as due to HIPAA, the dr cannot communicate back to the concerned person. However, that does not prevent the dr from acting on the information. You obviously feel that your mother should not be driving. Some have contacted their state's DMV anonymously and informed them that they thought an individual was not safe to drive any more. This may force a testing of the individual. by DMV.

duck -the messes sound awful!!!! I guess you have to pick your battles and your messes.

Finally we got temps above freezing this afternoon and the sun shine is glorious.

The chills I have turned out to be flu I think -aches, cough etc. Probably got it when I was travelling. It's hard to tell b/c the CFS/FM feels like I have flu a lot of the time, but this is a bit different, a bit worse. I was going to tackle the pile of mail with a vengeance this week, So much for plans, I do have it looking better but...

Take care all. Do something good for you.

Of course they can act on it.

You give them information in writing about your concerns.

They can't tell you if they are doing anything. Biut you've provided them your observations.

cmagnum-Even if I mentioned something in regards to my mother. They cannot act on it. Because, Their responding to what I told them. Without their having a HIPPA release form signed by my mother, so they could talk to me. Acting on what I told them. Could potentially be a violation of HIPPA. Because, Even if I knew who my mother's GP/PCP was. Their office cannot confirm, or deny. The status of my mother being a patient.

So, That is back to confiscating my mother's keys.

When my (ex)fiance had to have emergency brain surgery. She had never signed a HIPPA release for me to be able to talk to them. So I had to give the doctor's a rundown about her health. Telling them, it would be harmful for them to not talk to me. When, I have had the same health issue in question, all my life. I even showed them my surgery scars to prove it.

But with my mother, it isn't anywhere near that easy.

Chris, I think HIPPA only keeps you from discussing her health, but not telling the doctor your concerns about her health. That is a fine line, but it is a thick fine line.

Golden23-It becomes another one of those HIPPA things. I don't have HIPPA permission. So, Whatever I would tell them. They can't act on. Since my mother hasn't been deemed mentally incompetent by the courts. My mother isn't even close to that. So the only recourse I would have. Is confiscating her car keys.

Hi chris - I know you worry about your mother, with good reason. Can you pass on that information to her doctor? You have been concerned about her driving before.

thx girlsaylor - when the going gets tough, the tough get going, or something like that. ((((((hugs))))) back to you.

I just want to give all you guys here a big hug! We all go through so much, yet still care for ourselves and others. I feel so privileged to be included in your circle.

Does anyone's relative have a problem with depth perception?



I went to the grocery store today, with my elderly mother.

The grocery store she prefers to shop at, is Wegmans. That necessitates, her driving on the interstate. While there are several local ones', that don't require her driving on the interstate.

Anyway, While PM-Rush hadn't started yet. She kept tailgaiting one car for several miles. Even though the 'bumper-to-bumper' situation didn't exist yet

Since she admitted long ago. To problems with depth perception. I wonder who I can talk to. That won't create a firestorm

Girlsaylor, I lost a pvt message to you. I understand how you feel with incomptetent doctors that can cause you to dies because of poor assessment and treatment

Vic, wow!! I can imagine how hard this is on you. I can imagine the strain and stress. Maybe you can find some resource for you father. Must be hard on him too, a life time. I have not much clue to this family turmoil.

Golden, Yes, and its not to mention the messes. This afternoon before I left, I put her food in microwave, while she was in bathroom playing with a clogged up sink that she keeps filling with water. I cut the water off but somehow it still getts drip that builds up. Anyway I went upstairs to get a note I wrote for my sister which I forgot to mention. Same old same ole stuff Stating if she needed moneyfor food I would gladly help her out. I started to tape some money by the note.
Anyways when I get back downstairs. There is a glue trap on the microwave with a dead mouse on it. Typical "my mother S%^T" My sister is just like her so you can imagine the turmoil and dysfunction.

Its all just really really sad. That kind of stuff gives me flashback. I dont know how many times I have gone crazy trying to find and figure out what happened behind a crazy tactic. I really believe that my mother is natrually not healthy for me that she naturally just throws me off kilter. Then I see this. Now if she can do this with dementia, imagine what she did before dementia.

Her recert is this month and I will show the case manager everything.And hopefully gets constructive guidance. she knows the jux of the matter. Her supervisor came with her when My sister and nephew kept saying my mother doesnt need nor will she never need the meals. Now it looks like my sister needs them. Anyways I am getting a good lesson in putting me first with all this medical issues. I am also learning to stop being Ms make it right also LOL

Rays of love to all.

((((((duck))))) you have a lot of health concerns and now your mother is not knowing to use the bathroom. I am sure it all is overwhelming. Don't have any suggestions - just hugs and prayers.

Hi all, I hope you are all well and in good spirits.

Sharyn, was good to hear your brother is making progress.

Frazzled I do not have a clue to all these legal terms, positions or events. I am learning things from all the post that are shared in these legal matters and I trurly interested in it all as I know I will most likely end up in that place.

Golden, your advice is always right on point. I do see my growth and I am proud of my little progress and a lot of it is being a part of this forum.

So I was really under the weather and then got worse. Then I got better, had that cat scan with contrast. That is some experience but I ended up with a mild headache, feeling pooped, eyes red then woke up with severe burning in chest like congestion. Which is one of my greatest fears, as the congestion gets so much worse and takes so longand could be the last of me it was really close a few years ago. Kept going to doctors and emergency room and ended up on respiratory with pneumonia and came pretty close to leaving here. So congestion really freaks me out. So I have so many remedies that have worked that I find them looking for something else. I do feel better. Keeping hope alive.

Anyways Had ct friday, saturday was the meal delivery. I woke up with the burning around nine decided start on some of my remedies and fell back asleep inbetween doozing I heard my sister going up and down the stairs around the time the meals are delivered. I figured if I missed them I will just have to figure out a meal plan for three days while I am working. I had started cooking thurs which is usully when I cook and do laundry if I dont have apt. Anyways when I get downstairs I open fridge and the milks and juices for seven days are in there but only three meals in freezer. I dont understand it. My sister fought like a demon to keep my mother from getting the service. this is the third time she has done this that I know of. Its not even like my mother eats all of them. But she barely eats and my sister took the best ones the first time I noticed.

I give the unused ones away any way. But I mean dang, she actually needs to take the meals or feel entitled becuase she bought them in. I dont even think she really even cares that my mother doesnt eat. They wont ask for ensure and when leave message with doctor they tell him she easts and they feed her everyday. I am there and see its not everyday. She doesnt eat at all somedays. Excepts cookies and sweets, who can live off that, and for how long.

I have gotten frustrated with feeding her. Then while I was down there thursday she went in basement. I went down there and while I was looking at the water damage and ceiling where the bathroom floor is caving in, she goes to a corner squats and doses this long pee.telling me to wait. Now I was wondering why It smelled like ca ca in the hall sometimes. I just couldnt go see that corner.

So I was worrying about my health stuff. Called to get results. I am to see an oncologist on thurs if its approved.. I have many many many fibroids and if there is approval to remove this mass between uterus and bowels they want to do hysterectomy. And I still have even got to the thyroid issue. So it was sought of a relief that it may not be ca.

I am still stressing; I dont know whether to share this with my son until I get a full picture. I am starting to plan for surgery which means getting my pig sty in order. Leaving messages with case manger my mother is due for recert and I am due for recert withg the psych program.

So naturally my anxiety continues, not to mention getting my taxes done. I yi Yi.

Rays of love and light to you all

((((((hugs))))) Linda. Mother dropped weight during the six months before she passed. In the year before her "moods" returned. They tried the anti psychotic that had worked so well, and a variety of antidepressants. She had the appetite stimulant too. None of them helped. She was simply winding down. I believe everything that could have been done was done, but she declined anyway Could this be happening to your mum? Mother's vitals were good right up to the end when she refused food and drink and was gone in a few days.

Hi vic - welcome and Oh wow to the fam dram!
To quote you "I truly have no idea what I can do to make everybody happy. "

The fact is you can't make everyone happy, or for that matter anyone other than yourself.. I think your sister is wise in saying they have to work it out themselves. Your dad and your mum are triangulating by coming to you for solutions rather than dealing with the problems themselves. You have your own problems -you are not responsible for theirs. It sounds like you have enough with an alcoholic son to deal with. For that I suggest the CRAFT method. It is the newest technique for dealing with addicted people and has a better % success rate than anything else available.
https://motivationandchange.com/outpatient-treatment/for-families/craft-
overview/

Good luck. It may help you deal with your parents too.

Girlsaylor, thx for the input - the staff is watching her eating and weight. I'm dropping a little more often at mealtime to keep an eye on her. Due to her age and health, any procedure re: hernia would be only in event of strangulation.

Linda, you don’t say, but have they ruled out anything medically causing her to not want to eat? You say she has a hiatal hernia. And seems to be so sad, maybe depressed. I would not accept that as reason enough for her to be losing weight. It may be what is going on. Or maybe more. I have a little medical scenario that might help get some wheels turning, or not.
I was hospitalized for diverticulitis in Summer of 2017. But due to my new-to-me Medicare HMO, I was sent to new docs on the plan, and one neurologist, for my diabetic neuropathy. She decided to take me off all the pain/neuropathy meds all at once, thee meds that are supposed to be slowly tapered off over one year minimum. I was violently ill, went to ER within the week. Hospital physician insisted it was a psych admission. Despite me telling her I was too sick to eat, had diarrhea and incontinence of urine as well. She refused to treat the diverticulitis, the UTI, nothing. Discharged me. Told me to go see a shrink, in her words. A couple months later, about 20 pounds less, still lingering, spouse took me to the HMO internist in my nightgown as a walk-in, and told her we weren’t leaving until she did something about me being so ill. Ended up I had a superbug, acquired in a medical setting, procedure a few months earlier, caused an UTI, which the hospital knew about from hospital labs, and did not treat, nor did they treat the diverticulitis, no antibiotics, nothing. My internist treated me for the Klebsiella Pneumonae super bug, but cut corners and did not culture it to find out if it was antibiotic-resistant. She just threw some Cipro and Flagyl at it. She got lucky, as it did seem to cure me. No thanks to the lousy south FL hospital doctor and her lack of care in treating me. And an internist who kept Pooh-Pooh-ing my complaints of diarrhea and incontinence. I finally recovered from the diverticulitis as well. But, less than a year later, extremely sick, similar feeling, losing more weight. Nausea, no fever once again. Lost another 25 pounds on top of what I hadn’t gained back from the superbug/diverticulitis hospital episode. Was hospitalized once we got moved, and turned out to be Salmonella food poisoning I couldn’t shake, and diverticulitis. Was treated with antibiotics once again and recovered. But with the last two serious hospitalizations, I had no fever at all, no pain with UTIs, no foul smell. But, I could not tolerate food under my nose, much less to actually eat it. Sorry for oversharing, but it’s worth ruling out the less obvious.
Please, make sure they are doing thorough medical workup, to be sure it it not all emotional, sadness, depression. You just could save her life. And I hope she feels better soon!

Hello all,
I'm new to the group and looking for answers. My family is the poster child for dysfunctional. This has been made clear over the years after my mother got her degree in social work. She has continuously tried to diagnose all 3 children's relationships as well as diagnose her grandchildren. This has not been pretty. It has strained the relationship with our parents tremendously. My father has learned to just be quiet, agree, and avoid confrontation. She always has an opinion of how things should be. "My way or the highway" mentality. This has resulted in her losing friends, alienating most members in our extended family, and being thrown out of her dr's office and dentist office after altercations with staff and other patients. Even her grandchildren don't like being around her because nothing can be fun. Everything has to have a purpose or meaning. My mother draws us in by saying she is all alone and has nobody, or that she is hurt in some way and my father doesn't care. When we respond, she sucks us back into her personal drama. When we offer suggestions or our opinion, of course we are wrong and don't know what we are talking about. She has even gotten into my husband's face and my BIL's face accusing them of horrible things and basically flipping out. That was the final straw. It's been almost 2 yrs since my sister and I have talked to her. We see my dad occasionally at the market but he doesn't say much. Last week, she called me saying she was hurt and doesn't know what happened and needed me. I went over and assessed the situation. I even had police do a welfare check since she had bruises, and didn't know how she got them. They found nothing. We actually had a good visit with no drama which should have been a red flag. Several days later she called crying, saying that my father was emotionally and psychologically abusing her and she couldn't take it. She then apologized for bothering me. I wrote it off as another one of her ploys to get me drawn back into her toxic mindset. I was able to talk her down and haven't heard from her for 4 days. This morning my dad calls asking if we have room for him. He says that my mother is driving him crazy and he can't take it anymore. This happened several yrs ago and he came to live with us for almost a yr before he went back. I feel guilty that I haven't called him back but I just can't be dragged into this drama again. I have enough going on in my own family including dealing with an alcoholic son. I've talked to one of my sisters and she thinks they need to work it out themselves but I'm afraid that something bad is going to happen. My husband refuses to get involved which I totally understand, but these are my parents. He can't relate because he lost his parents before we were married. I truly have no idea what I can do to make everybody happy. I never thought I was going to have to parent my parents.. thanks for listening.

Linda, there is an antidepressant called Remeron that is used as an appetite stimulant, especially in elders. It helped my mom tremendously. You might want to ask if that can be trialed.

The staff would be able to tell her in all honesty that it was for her appetite.

Glad - best of luck I hope things progress smoothly. I totally agree with you about people posting stuff about themselves and others that used to be considered private. I just don't get it.

Linda22 - I am with Riverdale. If your Mom is not on antidepressants maybe she would benefit. My Mom is like a new person since she started on hers. Mom has always been against any kind of mental health treatment so she is not aware that she is taking an antidepressant. Not sure how Sis (Moms medical POA) pulled it off since Mom is not officially incapable but I am glad she did.

Sharyn _ Thank you for sharing the good news. So happy to hear about your brothers progress!

Ali - I share your frustration with bullies and how they get away with it. On my more cynical days I think that deep down a lot of people admire bullies because they see them as winners. I know in my family, the more aggressive a person is the more respect they get. Pretty sick if you ask me. On a more positive note, I love what you wrote about your brother getting the help he needs. Thank you for sharing that!

Golden - I'm glad the break was a good one for you!

Riverdale, yes, she probably would. But I don't see her agreeing to it - she'd pop a cork if a psychiatrist were to chat with her, especially with the mental health stigma from my mom's era.

Linda, do you think your mother could benefit from an anti depressant if she is not on one already. At my mother's present AL I rode in the elevator with a psychiatrist who said she often visits patients there thus making it easier for them and their issues.

I went to the quarterly care plan meeting for my mom last week. I figured it'd be 15 minutes of update, everything holding. Instead, she's dropped 5# in the past couple months, and her appetite is really poor. I explained that she had a hiatal hernia, which might account for her requests for Maalox. I visited with her, and her tablemates said she's not eating much at meals. I talked with her about eating some toast, cereal, something if the entree doesn't appeal to her. There's no swallow issue. She can't see her food very well, but refuses any help. I doubt she'll drink Ensure. She's incredibly depressed-all she talks about with her friends is wanting her daughter to take her home. Showing her family pictures on the iPad just make it worse. I've been trying to sort thru my feelings - I guess just an overall sadness that she's been so unhappy for so long, even when her life was pretty good. Other than that, a sort of non-feeling. Not numb, really. Just like all that feeling, angst, FOG has used up that reserve and there's not much emotion left. You guys know how that is .... One of her friends stopped me as I was leaving, shook her head and said "she just doesn't accept any of it. None of us want to be here, but we understand we need help. " So, I guess it's a new phase. I need to find out how the NH handles this, as her weight drops.

A side note - I ran into an acquaintance at the NH/rehab, whose son (27) is there rehabbing - brain trauma. She's in her 50's and has jumped in with both feet, as she's there everyday, all day. I feel like I need to caregiver mentor her a bit, as I've been in that spot with my kids in medical crisis. At her age, I doubt she knows contemporaries who've been/are caregivers. All I can do is give her a smile, a candy bar, a caution that this is a marathon, not a sprint. I mentioned to her husband to be sure she keeps up with her own health needs, doctors appts, tests, time out with friends.

Fabulous, Sharyn