The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Sharyn, wonderful news on bro!

sharyn - awesome about your bro. Such good news!!! He has made terrific progress.

Glad, I’m sorry you have to deal with the twisted again. I hope the motion your attorney files helps spur twsted into action.


Just a quick update, my brother has made great progress just this last week. He is walking with a walker short distances and he is talking. This is great and I’m so happy for this improvement!

glad - good for you! I sure understand not wanting to incur more attorney's fees. I hope this gets some action from ts2. She is sitting on her job as executor and allowing storage fees to build up at the expense of the estate. To me she is not doing her job properly. Soooo frustrating!!!!

Well, found forms online to file a motion to provide complete financial records. And form to file objection to partial distribution. Will try to get this done this weekend and in the mail. Good that I have exhibits to attach in the form of emails from her and emails to her at the same email address that sometimes receive responses.

Will start out Pro Se, as I just do not want to start accumulating attorney fees.

I think a little of both, but just plain stupid. Maybe she would start doing her job if I had my attorney just file the motion.

I hate to start on attorney fees again!

glad - I don't understand ts2 unless she is patently incompetent or blatantly dishonest

Well, sent off an e-mail to my attorney. No response from TS2 that I gave her a deadline of today. Already have a response from my attorney.

fraz - horrible situation. I think it is realistic to wonder about sis's motives. I certainly support any course of action you take, You are walking it and no one else knows what it is like for you. I came very close to giving up POA. It isn't easy.

melly -welcome. It is not unusual on this boards to hear of sibs who do not help. I am sorry you are one of us, Hope you get the care for your dad that you feel he needs. Dealing with large institutions can be very challenging. I had the opposite experience - I ( and the aides) saw mother declining, but her doctor said he saw no reason she could not live another 4 years. She died a few weeks later, To me it was obvious. Take care,

to pick up on a few past things

Pandabear - I had lifelong narcissism from my mother and my sister. I have more control over contact with my sis now that mother is gone. I need to stay away from her for my survival.

trying -so glad things are better for you and your family Yay!!!

Sissisu and others -no one can post too much. Sometimes we get more answers and sometimes not, but keep posting and venting!!!

Narc siblings are a common topic and also narc parents. They make life very difficult for us.

Remember, you are worth care and a good life as much as anyone else is, You count. You matter. Be good to you.

I am so happy that people are discussing dysfunctional families. I am the only one taking care of my father for four years and no one else wants the job, although they all talked a good game in the beginning and did not do anything at all. They just visited him at my home twice in those four years. My father is now on a feeding tube in a veteran nursing home. It just seems that they want to write off quick, but my mind tells me otherwise about him leaving this world. I am up for a fight with those people because I do not believe or feel that he is at deaths door. It seems at this stage of time that no one really cares for the love ones accept those that have been caring for their family member. Doctors and nurses seem to think they know it all especially in the meetings. I have seen some bad situations at the military nursing homes and although I have complained to the top authorities, nothing seems to be done. I feel no matter what all elderly should get the best care. What is going on?

Gotta love family drama...NOT!! I agree with others here about not rushing any decisions, but I do have a decision to make soon (really soon, as in next week) as to whether I truly want the job as estate administrator. From what I understand from the attorney, we still need to get the ball rolling on that regardless of whether litigation about the house is filed since mom died intestate and her bills are coming due. So hearing on appointment of administrator is next Thursday, the 7th.

After that loaded conversation with sister and Ngrandmother the other day, my sister left me a message Monday saying she doesn't want to fight about anything, she is sorry Ngrandmother got in the middle of it, and that other relatives are trying to get in the middle of it too, and that she is willing to do whatever I think we should do about the house.

So, again I texted and tried calling her back, leaving a message about what was suggested before about putting the house in mom's estate, selling it to pay her bills, and splitting anything left over equitably, so we can just be done with it. In my message, I asked if she could go with me this week to the attorney's office to sign the necessary paperwork.

Well, now she won't return my text/call, and hearing is on for next week about administrator issue still...husband and I have been talking about whether to fight it or whether to just walk away, and still no decision made yet...but we're both of the opinion that if I take on the responsibility of all of the duties as administrator with no guarantee of getting compensated for even that since very little in the actual estate as it stands now, then I should go all in and fight to get the house issue straightened out equitably as well; otherwise, if I am going to just walk away and let it go, why take on the role of administrator, as it just essentially means more free work for me?

So still trying to decide...I'm thinking a) either sister was just thinking she is buying herself some time to get an attorney by making me think she wants to work together when she really doesn't b) she was playing on my sympathy hoping I would give in and just say, "Ok, the house is yours", or c) she was wanting to work together when she called but has since changed her mind or the other narcs got in her ear and encouraged her to fight with me.

Either way, I kind of took what she said with a grain of salt, knowing how she is. I just have to decide from here how to proceed with the whole administrator thing. I am honestly just sooooo ready to be done with all of the drama.

ali - family stuff !!! Aargh, Some say that writing out a life narrative Helps you to understand how you got to where you are at. I think you have some good insights. Yay for bro and his meds. I am not looking forward to our little "reunion" (funeral) in the fall, but it has to be done. You are building your new life. That's what matters.

glad - I hear you about f/b. Too much !!!!! I don't want to know the details of everyone's lives. My family is pretty good at protecting their privacy. thankfully.
Snow tsunami? The weather is crazy!

pbond - welcome and yes you have the right to say no - to anyone and especially to someone who is abusive. No explanations needed - just NO. Narcs are exhausting, Enough!

duck - you are making progress. Remember progress not perfection, Some of us can never get what we need from our folks -=just the way it is. We have to find it other places,

Looked at some nice house here -just from the outside, but in areas I liked - backing onto trees and a ravine. Looks like there are some possibilities for later.

Flying home today. Other than the lawyer, it was a good break. Today is not too cold, so it is a good day to be on the move.

Take care all. Do something good for you - a special coffee, some flowers, a movie, -something just for you,

Ice tsunami in Ontario!😯 looks cold up there. Do they just let them melt or move them?

Well I am off for a few. See therapist tomorrow which has been such a great help.
I have to pay now. So I go every other week. The repetitive mantra's and thought processing with reinforcement really helps.

I am starting to ramble but I got a little insulted when a person bought up low self esteem. Me not Me! but that is a major part of my problem a big part of the damage I am trying to undo. Which also why I fell a good NO in my heart.

So anyways be good everyone, much love and ray of light to all.

Glad I have the applications in. But truth is that I may not be able to afford this high rent. I am paying off taxes 10% and another is more than 10%. I am still waiting keeping fingers crossed. Searching out another job that is not too demanding.

Pbond, I understand how you feel. Its so hard and so sad.
My mother could pee on me and I would still be back to cater to her. I had not choice but to say no some times but should have done it one million times which is why I am posting NO nO more!

Keep posting, you have so great and beautiful people here with a wealth of information and experience. It takes time to learn and understand and then conmes the real hard part lol. Hang in there.

Golden, I know I will have to refer to some part of information you just shared in your last post. Sounds good to me. I am in no way familiar with any of the legal terms and ramifications with probates. Didnt even know what probate was, and a lot more things until I got on this forum.

Ali glad to hear the medication is working.

Glad I do agree that the social media can be sickening. There is a lot of good and interesting information. But the personal stuff is crazy. My Sham did a lot of that posting then she switched to instagram. I dare not venture there.

Usedup, thank you.

I know how to front real good because I grew up holding in tears and hiding pain that lurched from my heart to my stomach.

When I post I am posting my own experience and communitcating my hope for some type of justice along the road. I am not an angel, God has blessed me so many times over and I hope and trust in his endurance and patience with me.

I am so full of rejection, slander, castration you name it. Yes it was a norm for me at one time but now its not. I love my mother so dearly but I cant erase who she was to me. I with her dementia and aging I am getting a bitter taste of what I have always longed for but not feeling loved to late for that anyway. Sometimes I am tormented by memories which bring me to earth about my mother. I live with the tidal wave of who she was in my sister. It angers me. It hurts. Even as I grow to see what the narcisssim is and what its about. It still doesnt take it away. Its like ptsd. Add health concerns, and illness and lonliness and I am a walking time bomb.

I cant fight ignorance but as I get myself together I wll also be pursuing the best for my mother. I know its going to be a rocky road.

The floor in the bathroom around the toilet is buckling. My new found understanding tells me to stop trying to controll and fix everything. So my nephew is incharge of my mother's accounts I made him aware of the situation about two weeks ago. Saw him yesterday he spoke (always the fake grin yesum) was on the phone put up his hand like just a minute and I havent seen him since then. I keep forgetting to take a picture. Now when something goes wrong up stairs my sister calls and its done nothing out of her pocket.They get insulted when I fix things then blame me or who ever I get to do something for anything that goes wrong. I am always breaking the pipes. They seem to feel I am not entiltled to the same priviledge. There is no winning with ignorance. But hopefully these incidents as they build will help put them both in check. If they really cared they would want her environment safe. I am so tired of this situation. I dont know what is down the road for me the results of the cat scan or the tyhroid issue whatever it is I will have to deal with it. I dont want to burden anyone, I have always felt like a burden, and then I really dont have anyone to burden with my issues and concerns. I am tired of the wrongness where I live and If I get someone or find someway to put a check on the situation, correct it or bring things to justice then I am going to fight the good fight as long as I can,
Many times I can remember saying" let this or that go, dont address it its not that important, its not worth it. dont stoop to that level yada yada." That just fuels the monster. I am just saying I just cant sit and take it, I cant handle, the infringements dont just role off my back anymore. I am not on the war path but as the wrong build up I am keeping it documented and hopefull put an end to this pompous power play going on with my sister and nephew. I still did not get the key to the door upstairs, I got the key somewhere but missplaced it. my mother always used these type tactics to pit us against one another. One time I had the key upstairs but not down stairs. Its sad. I am just saying If I can help justice along I will not turn away.

Rays of love peace and strengh to all.

Pbond, it is ok to say no to anyone. Not just those that you feel are abusive to you!

Welcome to this thread.

Duck, anything going on with a move for you yet?

I am stressed beyond belief. I have never felt so angry and resentful for my mom not accepting the care I want to give her. If the the care is not me driving her everywhere 24/7 then she doesnt want it. So be it! She can get herself to and fro and navigate doctor bills and managing a house. Lets see if she thinks its such an easy task. I realized today that I have the right to say no to someone who is verbally abusive to me. It is time to take care of myself. After care for my dad for 5 years through chemo and radiation and now 5 years of narcissim, I have officially emptyied my caregiving tank. I am on empty.
Patty

I am depressed! I am officially self diagnosed as out of touch, old-fashioned, and just plain do not understand.

You all will, I think, understand. I have decided I HATE Facebook! It has become the norm for communication of all sorts.

Ok, get on with it. DD1 has been separated for about eight months, dating someone pretty seriously for about four months. They discuss when they will make that relationship public by posting on FB. Then I think of my ex SIL and how he must feel. They talk about these new relationships with each other, even to the point of how they were dumped (oh, excuse me, I guess it is dissed now).

When I was divorced my ex and I did not talk about our relationships with each other. It was none of his business and I am sure he felt the same. The only information I ever got was from my kids and I told them I did not want to know about it.

DD1 called tonight went through the rigmarole with ex and girlfriends and her and mr hot, and how the kids are told by dad how his most recent girlfriend broke up with him via text. How he had a STD scare, etc, etc, etc....

Her ex is a nice man, loves his children, but couldn't tolerate my Type A daughter any longer. Now she is on cloud 9 and posts stuff to FB that I would never dream of. At least she calls me, I guess....

Hi. :-) My maternal grandmother had a 90th birthday open house celebration on Saturday and I traveled the few hours to attend. I knew I would be persona non grata if I didn't go without a very good excuse to be absent, plus it was a family reunion type of thing, so I got to see distant cousins and such that I RARELY see. I saw some cousins I haven't seen since I was around 8-10 years old.

I suspect, based on my grandmother's behavior, that she may be bipolar, borderline, or narc. It's hard to tell without spending a lot more time with her and I'd rather not, thanks. Even when we were small children, she was one who would pit child against child. I blame her actions for partly why I have disharmonious relationships with siblings/cousins, and she can be very cruel to my aunt and my mom.

I saw her in action on Saturday. The party was mostly dying down and, for reasons that turned out to be a misunderstanding on her part, she started yelling at my aunt in front of everyone, being very hateful. Then at some point my mom went to try to reason with her and she was yelling at my mom. Oof. It was just one of those moments where I realized so clearly that hurtful behavior goes back generations, that perhaps it's mental illness, perhaps it's something else plus some mental instability.

It really doesn't matter WHY, does it? When it causes problems in families, it doesn't matter WHY, only that it's there, and too often.

I don't know why my grandmother feels entitled to treat others poorly. I have bad days, too, I get tired, too. It's never ok to take that out on those closest to you only because you can, which is exactly what my grandmother does. She's a vicious bully if she wants to be.

Another interesting thing that happened is I made a pit stop on the drive down to pick up a package for older bro at one of his work locations up my way. Turns out he had left a bottle antidepressant medication. I picked up the bottle and took to him at his house. But I was a little surprised, and also happy, that my bro was open to taking medication to help his chronic anxiety issues. We grew up with a lot of stigma about mental issues and meds, so I'm surprised he would take a med but I'm also very, very pleased that he decided to try something. Or, who knows, maybe he's been taking it for 20 years, haha. But I don't think so. My sibling instinct says this is a fairly new decision/change for him.

My SIL gets bad migraines and between her headaches and his anxiety, both which are treated by psilocybin, I mentioned to SIL that I had taken some psilocybin last year to help my symptoms. You would have thought I said I drank glue, the way she reacted. lol

That's ok, I get it, it's not for everyone. It's helped my symptoms, I can already tell, as I'm 2 months now without a major anxiety headache day. To me, it simply works when nothing else seemed to, and I would drink glue if there was research that said it would help my debilitating headaches and anxiety issues. I take only a little bit at a time and don't worry about any kind of OD. Seems fairly fail proof -- or at least on the same level as any other psychotropic medication. Modern medicine needs to synthesize it as a treatment, or better yet, just decriminalize it and put out a lot of information about how to use it for medicinal treatment.

That's just me. I get it that it's not for everyone. But I also get the feeling that the reason most shun it would be based on some notion that it's an illicit, bad thing that only crazy types would take.

Golden, happy that work on the estate is trucking along. Expense your travel as much as you can, imo. A laborer is worth their hire. You've done a lot on your mother's behalf.

Fraz, I sympathize. If you don't need the money I think you're better off to walk away from settling the estate as soon as you can.

Hugs, all.

DD Duck, I’m so sorry you have so much going on. I hope that your health tests are all negative and that you can move forward feeling better.

You go, girl!!!!!! Woot!!!!!

Hi all - thank you for the support. I will be sending the lawyer an email regarding my instructions. After probate the estate monies can be dispersed except for $5000 which will be put in a trust account and stay there for 6 months to pay any outstanding bills.

The lawyer's plan to disperse all the estate and have me work out with my sister the payment of the final bills is not acceptable to me, nor is denying me reimbursement for my expenses as executor travelling to the funeral.

She will be told that and if she is not willing to follow my direction, I will pay her off and find another lawyer. I believe she has been biased by my mother and sister a few years ago, and my sister more recently. I was not trying to speed things up - the lawyer was. Less work for her.

It triggered off stuff from past - abusive treatment I received from my mother and sis, The lawyer has been recruited as a a flying monkey. I don't need it.

Fraz - I am so sorry you are going through this. I agree - give yourself time to process it all. Dysfunction is the gift that keeps giving, unfortunately. I too can't wait to be finished with it.

I am not up to catching up with everyone. This garbage takes something out of a person.

Travelling home tomorrow. We are still in the deep freeze for another week or two and then decent weather is forecast for mid March. It has been a very tough February.

As always, take care of yourself. You are worth it. Protect yourself from the narcs. Group ((((((((hug))))))

So tired of seeing wrong being strong.

I am feeling so much better. I was sick like a dog last week. I am coming around now. Maybe it was stress, I dont know but I feel better. I still have a lot on my plate to adress and face the next few days.

During the last week I felt my mortality strong. I prayed and I just said I have to rest and knew I had to build myself up.

Golden, Frazzled you are both in my heart and my prayers. Rest a few days as so many have mention its not a rush. This was and is a lifetime.

I know I am going to come to crossroads many times in this lifetime and I am going to always stand against her wrong as strong as I can. My goodness its draining and depressing but after each round is done I feel better and stronger because I know I stood for good.

I dont owe my sister anything!!! Her weapon is guilt and shame and rejection only now that her cover is unraveling and I am learning how to defend love and protect myself, see her mode of operation how she uses what she learned from my mother, knowing I have just as much right as she does to just exist helps me to prevail over every thing does to outcast me or discourage me from the good in me or just being me and existing. So I will continue to stand and not allow her nonsense anymore. I can write a book just on the past few days. How down and out the last few days and still making a priority or my mother. How every I have to make sure she eats when i put something in my mouth no matter how bad I feel becaue3 that is me. Then accept who my twisted is who can lie, manipulate insult my interety and intents and slander me and watch her take her *(**l up stairs when she comes in from work and stay in her room. I apologize
I tend to go on and on and on. I just feel a certain kind of way;. Thanks for bearing with me. I just have so much pent up inside..and its hard to see people get walked on. Its crazy, Its my sisters theme. take from me cause I already have,make me pay cause I have more. use, take you forgranted and then gives you their back bottom when its all said and done. Just say no for hopefully the last time.

Please heed the advice of some of the wisest , beautiful posters that came back to back saying the same.

Thanks for bearing with my book. Just expressing view.

Rays of love, light, peace understanding and strength to all

Frazzled, just hold off on making any financial decisions for a bit. In the midst of the grief and all that is going on, not a good time to make such important decisions.

After my mom passed, within a couple of hours I told ts2 to just give it all away. She didn't and now it is an issue. She as executor wants to claim all of it after mom's funds paid roughly 35k to store the stuff. And the value of it is probably twice that. So, does she owe the estate roughly 100k? Who knows. It would be so much easier if she would do what she should have done before mom went into care.

Just take your time and don't make any rash decisions.

Hi all!. Frazzleled I feel a certain way about just giving in on that sister thing. These twsited sisters are freakin monsters and I can imagine your frustration because so many times I want to give in and give up on everything. At least you have proof of your sisters malfeasant intentions. That's is a big weapon., I know its hard and draining but I would put up this last figt and make it the good fight and expose her for what and who she is. sounds like my sister. She even once told me when I told her how she used me and taught her sons to do same she said "let them use you. You were supposed to for us cause you had more."

Frazzeled I can imagine your turmoil. Do what is best for you, but you deserve the same as your sister. She doesnt give a putt about you. Please bear this to the end and let justice prevail. Giving up is what they want from us. Dont give her the victory.

Golden what everyone said makes sense and what stands out in my mind is Magnums post. I am thinking this was your lawyer only. If the lawyer is also for your sister then she has pobably poisoined him or her against fairness toward you in a very smart way the way narcissist work.

I am dreading this moment with my own sister should I live to see this come. I have lived knowingly and unknowliong against her and my mothers sabagtoge.
My sister has people who dont even know me hating me. Everyday I see her neglect and how she doesnt give a dam about anything or anyone. So I am sitting here wanting to see the justice get panned out.

Its so hard to hold your head up and yourself together especially under this type of duress but trust me the twisteds are scheming and manipulatinbg the biggest project probably in their lives, fight the good fight.

Please dont take my input in a wrong way. Its just I live this life full of unfair outcomes some I didnt even iknow were in the works. I get on here and i see me life my pain, my experience in so many ways through others. Its wonderful to see how beautiful you all are and how you maintain that goodness in the mist pure ugliness.

I am so tired even just now. Trying to get myself together before I take on this thing with getting my mother some services. I am motivated by the strenght and love here. Its going to takie some time and more heartache but I plan to fight the good fight.

Frazzled mama, you need a hug! {hug}
I know you want to be done with it. You seem to be a gracious person, and sister is trying to run over you. Perhaps, speak with the lawyer who said the deed was contestable, ask if he/she can handle it, to just handle it without you being pulled into the drama. Sister obviously doesn’t have funds to challenge you, is counting on bullying you like she appears to have bullied your mother. Ask how much the attorney will charge the estate to handle the filings, and request he not bill estate for any phone consultations with sister. That will force her to pay for her own legal challenge, which I’m going to bet, she has spent everything she already mooched off your mom (your words). If you think there can be a good relationship with your sister down the road, this may not be what you wish to do. But if not, and the lawyer can handle it and send you the final legal summary, you might be able to just let the attorney handle it. If the attorney can give you the emotional distance from the fight. Estate attorneys do it all the time. And they see the ugly side of families all the time.
whatever you do, I am proud of you for being a good daughter.

My 2 cents Golden is with everyone else. The funeral expenses and your travel expenses should be covered by the estate. It should be reimbursed to you before disbursements are done. She sounds like she is letting her own personal feelings enter in on her professionalism.

Frazzled, I do understand you're not in the mood for a fight.

Do you need to make any decisions about this for the time being? Can you just leave it all in suspended animation for a month or so?

Hugs, Golden. Yes, you should be compensated. Twisted sisters are the worst. I'm dealing with one myself.

We paid our respects to mom on Saturday. She had always said she didn't want an elaborate funeral, just wanted to be cremated and scattered in one of her favorite oceanside places, which we will do when we take vacation this year. No help from any family in planning the arrangements except for choosing some photos for the slide show.

Twisted sis and mom's Nmother were really quick to jump on the fact that my sister's name is still on mom's house as a joint tenant with right of survivorship and that I need to "do the right thing" and give my sister the house because "you have a house and she doesn't".

Never mind that my sister abused mom physically and mentally, stole $30K and more from her, leaving her with very little for her care which is the reason I was working with mom's attorney about mom's house while she was still alive, and , while guardianship proceedings were going on, the day mom was discharged from a psych facility, took mom, unbeknownst to me or any of the attorneys or the court, to have my sister's name added to the deed. The deed is completely filled out in my sister's writing, with mom's signature. Mom later told me that my sister threatened to leave her to fend for herself if she didn't do as she was told, not to mention probably had mom scared that she would be hit or something.

I fought hard to get this all taken care of on mom's behalf while she was still alive, but the attorney kept dragging his feet, so now here we are.

My sister and I talked about next steps for the estate since mom died without a will. I had filed to be administrator so I could close out the rest of her bills, etc and had told sis, as I didn't want to catch her off guard with the court papers. Mom's attorney feels a lawsuit about the house is appropriate given that the deed is fraudulent and we have a court judgment against twisted sis for money that she stole. However, I am not wanting to go through a long legal battle, I'm just not. Really, how much is my peace worth? It's priceless, really.

So when sis and I talked about the house I suggested just letting the judgment go, putting the house in mom's estate, selling it to pay her bills and attorney, and then according to state law, anything left over would be split between us as her only two heirs. But you would have thought I suggested she go jump off a cliff. How dare I even suggest that I deserve anything at all? After all, I have a house and she doesn't. Never mind that hubs and I have worked hard for years and she has done nothing but steal and mooch and exploit.

I've been praying about what to do. Mom's estate truly doesn't have the funds to engage in a long probate litigation, nor do I personally. Nor honestly do I even want to. I have put in an email to the attorney asking what my liabilities are if I withdraw my application as administrator, submit my final accounting for the guardianship, and hand my sister the keys to the house. I really just want to be done with all of the legal drama. I fought hard for mom because had she lived much longer as I anticipated she would have needed all of her resources for her care. But she is at peace now, and my own peace is more important than "stuff".