The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Big hug, Golden. In order to easily determine an executor’s legitimate expenses, step back for what is called an arm’s length view. If a bank trustee were appointed executor, would the same expense be considered as a legitimate expense for the executor to bill the estate? If the answer is yes, then do bill it and don’t feel bullied into not claiming it as an expense.

Golden, I'm in agreement with everyone else. You should be compensated for any and all expenses tied to your executor work and the lawyer should honor that!

Any expenses you incur in your capacity as executor are claimable.

I am baring my teeth at the thought of some simpering bint going all syrupy about the loving daughter crap. And Golden, claim for *everything* allowable, down to the last bus ticket, parking meter, coffee en route (subsistence, it's fine).

These are straightforward binary True False decisions. Sentimental values be buggered.

Golden, YOU are the executor, Yes? Or are you coexecutor with your sister?

Funeral expenses come out of the estate before distributions. Or at least before final distributions.

The lawyer is acting more like a judge than a lawyer helping execute the will. The funeral expenses and other expenses of each of my parents were paid from their assets first.

It also sounds like your sister has talked to the lawyer and now the lawyer has a conflict of interest. I think that I'd tell the lawyer to help execute the will like it is written or you will report him to the board that licensed her.

Golden,
Another circumstance where an attorney acts like it is their own money, and you have to "beg" for it.

I agree with others on here Golden . I know you would like to have things wrapped up but maybe you are expecting too much. It took over a year for my Mom's estate to be finalized. They kept wanting proof she wasn't a Niscah Indian. Yes, I said it.

Give it time. ((((Hugs)))

Ahhh, Golden, executor expense should be claimed for the past two trips at least. I kinda do not understand the situation. You are executor? Is this attorney just overlooking everything? Maybe she tries to make it more difficult by evaluating proper executor expense so more money for her?

Has the funeral been scheduled? I am surprised that it sounds like you are so close to done. It has been a year and a half plus now. My case, yes there are business assets to account for. But, nothing on that front at all since mom passed.

Maybe sis has talked with the attorney?

Golden, tell the lawyer that because your mother was mentally ill and you looked after her because of obligation not out of love you likely would not have made the trip if you had not been executor - perhaps suggest a compromise and ask for 1/2 of the cost. Then tell her that you have minimal contact with your sister and there is no possibility that she will share any expenses equitably.
The estate shouldn't be finalized until the final taxes are paid and revenue canada signs off, as far as I know that's common practice. Remind the lawyer she is your employee, not the other way around.
What is the rush? We are nowhere near finished, I'm just beginning to get our T-slips in the mail.

Need some feedback here.

I met with the lawyer and signed some documents. Then I mentioned there would be some expenses to be looked after yet - taxes, refund to HOOP (pension) . my expenses travelling to Ontario for the funeral, and the funeral expenses themselves. She said everything had to be properly recorded (duh, yes), and as I was traveling as daughter the expenses to Ontario weren't executor's expenses, and since my sister and I would each have our money by then we could together pay the other expenses. Actually when she asked if was travelling as daughter or executor I answered "Both," and she just smiled as if her point was made. I didn't even mention the two trips I made this winter re probate.

I am not impressed. The will says executor's expenses are allowed. I doubt I would travel to Ontario to be with my sister to bury mother's ashes unless it was my job as executor. I didn't go to my father's funeral in the east as mother and sis were getting in my case. Sis is getting on my case in a different sense now and the less I see of her the better. And i do not want to be put in the position of getting money from my sister to pay funeral expenses. She likes to hang onto her money.

What do you think?

Frazzled, I'm so Sorry for the sudden loss of your Mom. I know that the coming days will be busy with arrangements, but soon after, I hope and pray that your life will be a bit easier, and you can concentrate on feeling better about things, and pushing forward on making your life better!

Take care of yourself! Love, Stacey B

Mine family is plenty disfunctional, however my mom passed three years ago so much of that stress (not all) is gone too. But my poor husband (who is in a NH because of his dementia) has a very disfunctional family too. I feel so sorry for him, my family keeps in contact more with him than his own and that includes our two sons. All I know is when he passes no one better be looking to me for soloce or comforting.

Back again. Hope I'm not posting too much.
Mom was good again for a few days. Apparently, brother was sick today. She had to mention, he does so much. Not really, but ok. He lives 2 miles away. He brings in her mail, runs errands as he does his own errands, like bringing over a loaf of bread type of thing. Her house is on his way to/from his work, so he doesn't even have to go out of his way to stop. Anyhow she then added, what he'd said before, he can never do enough. Yeah, it wasn't him saying oh shucks I can't get it done, it was him complaining that it is never enough for her - whatever you do. Her latest complaints were re: her bank (new bank took over and they've been less than great, very poor service), then her lamp post in the front yard is basically rotting away. I'd told her that as I did trimming around it, and she yelled at me and said she didn't care, it could fall over. Now, she noticed it and is having a fit. She just has to order it from the management company for her complex, and pay for it. She then said oh I'll have to "worry" about a roof, and a new water heater. Neither have shown signs of being bad or worn out. Her neighbors (some) have had to replace one or the other. One had a leak, one's water heater died. It happens. Anywhere you live. Now she says oh she never wanted to live where she's at, she wanted to buy a smaller single story home. Not true at all. She only looked at condos. Period. She asked if I was home from work again today. Yes, I was home sick. Not one word re: how I felt. I will probably have to drag myself into the office tomorrow as I'm sure co-workers are talking smack about me. (Most there work through being sick, so they can use sick days as vacation, then get others - like me - sick as a dog).
Anyhow, weather was supposed to be relatively good this weekend, and Mom was hinting about me going there. It's now supposed to be "lousy" per Mom. Yeah I saw it is going to rain almost all day Saturday, which means she wouldn't want to be out and about (so not wanting me to haul her around to different stores to shop). Sunday the temperatures are dropping from near 60 to below 30, so I'm guessing some of that rain will freeze over. Then I heard how she's not had her hair done in ages (neither have I), and her sheets need to be changed, she just doesn't know how she'll get the sheets back on her bed (accompanied by a sob). She then complained that her arms and hands are hurting. I've sent multiple items to her that other people have said helped, and she uses once, then said it didn't work. No, you have to use more than one time to see if it helps. If it's that bad, then you need to go to a doctor, which she refuses. I basically got it that I'm lazy, she was such a hard worker all her life. She wouldn't have helped me years ago if she knew then what she knows now. Again, she asked to come and help me move, because as she said, it was better than sitting home doing nothing. Even if she'd not done that, it would be something else she'd done for me - maybe fed and clothed me as a child. I just feel stuck between a rock and a hard place. If I go, I'll be miserable, worn out, and maybe more sick. If I don't go, then I'll be yelled at, and when I eventually go, she'll yell more.

i hope this is the last stretch of dealing with the details Golden. Glad to hear you are taking time for a moment of R and R.

Hi all - just wanted to connect but I am not up to posting much. I am in E'ton and probate stuff is signed so it is a waiting game now. There is a pile of mail to deal with back home which I will tackle once I return, Guts are acting up - just a reaction to stuff. The sooner this is all this done and over with, the better. The weather is slowly improving and it was actually nice being out yesterday.

Will respond to posts later. Just chilling for now and may be take in an IMAX or something like that.

Take care all.

Frazzled
I am so sorry for the loss of your mother.

Love, peace and healing to you too Duck.

Well I got the approval for the cat scan. But upon reading the reason - screening for malignant neoplasm, I got a little scared and frensied. Then I caught a hold of my self. I have been feeling pretty bad the last few days with something like a bad headache that gets worse if cough or laugh, and the trapped gas pain in my belly which Is horrible and I get every so offten and my pressure is rocketing. My mother got a double delivery of the meals. The first order was from a company they uised in an emergency and the meals were basically the same some of the seals were broken and bags were open so I called and complained while adding my appreciation for the program. They sent another set. In the first was a veggie burger. I knew my mother wouldnt eat it so I took it to work and had for a snack. thinking I am eating vegetables that I need but ended up with horrible, horrible gas. Hurts when I walk, cough or laugh.

Then to top it off I accidently lost my debit card on the way to work and missed it as I stopped to pick up lunch, I had it when I left the house so I ordered a new one via fed ex and I hope it gets here before thursday because I am taking the children iceskating. The ringer is the central park skating rink only takes cash no credit or debit cards. I just really want to get this over and off my mind.

I am due for a reassessment for my therapy. Got these tests and worry. then it time for taxes also.

I was reading some of the post and its so sad the pain that we go through in life and the wounds and rippling effects.

My mother giggled at me today when I came with her food this afternoon. She hasnt been eating but she ate part of her breakfast sandwich. I pray for understanding guidance and wisdom and strength. Sometimes knowing her spirit in the past causes me think and feel like a fool.

I am in a good place spiritually. I feel a little stronger than the past few days.
Its like I dont have much choice, some things I cant change and I slowly work on finding the strength and understanding to change the things I can. Its hard. But I truly dont want to be going through these issues the rest of my life so I go lots of work to do now.

Rays of love peace and healing to everyone.

Oh Frazzled, my heart and prayer are with you. I am so sorry for your loss. Be strong and remember to take care of yourself.

Im doing WAY but today then I was 7 months ago. My mom fired me ...treated me like dirt all my life. I totally disowned her. I'm sorry but my GMA was truly the one who cared for me. My " mom" has been mentally unstable for as long as I have known her. I got cheated from a childhood. My dad was a alcoholic,etc. I Lost my daughter in a car accident awhile back. I was in the car too when it happened she was 4. My whole family blamed me. As far I'm concerned It's just me & my kids & grandkids.. After Marion fired me she called me every name in the book, etc. So last week she had enuf nerve to message me. Wow. She's got sum damn nerve. Insane. Toxic..Narcissistic. I will never tall to any of them. Never

Frazzled, I am so very sorry for your loss. So sad for you.

Frazzled, I am sorry for your loss. I can see why you would be shocked. Take your time dealing with service arrangements and paperwork. (((Hugs))),

So glad I found this thread. My family is so dysfunctional. My dad,87, was diagnosed with VD and AD in 2016. He had a fall in Sept 2018, was hospitalized then in rehab for 2.5 months. My mom, 81, hates my dad. Before his dx she all she would do would be complain about him and say how much she hates him. Crazy thing, my dad is madly in love with her. His last 3 weeks in rehab all he did was cry becasue he was afraid she dumped him. He is now home, my sister is his primary caregiver and I am his health care proxy. Mom lives in the home and we try to keep her away from him. She claims she wants to care for him but yells at him, tries to get him to understand her, etc. We encourage her to stay away from him. Yesterday I called to get papers for the lawyer and all she did was yell at me. She was mad becasuse my sister called the police on Sat. night to help get my dad off the floor. My mom wanted to be woken up so she could help get him up. She is crazy and I can see signs of early dementia in her. So glad I have a place to vent

Frazzled - I am so very sorry for your loss. Take care of yourself during this difficult time.

Sissiu - Your Mom likely has a Mental health issue. It has nothing to do with what kind of daughter you are. I'm sorry you are dealing with this.

Hugs, Frazzled. Too sudden to think of anything else to say other than take care of yourself and give it time. Hope there is lots of support around for you, apart from us virtual friends.

Frazzled
such a shock
thinking of you in the days ahead

FrazzledMama,
So very sorry for your loss.

Oh Frazzled, so very sorry for your loss, so very sorry. Will be praying for you and your family. (HUG)

Frazzled, I am so sorry for the loss of your mom. She is now at rest and you will be able to take care of you.

I had about 3 or 4 days of "cheerful Mom", and I was just like oh this is nice, when is the shoe going to drop now? Talked to her on Sunday afternoon, she was in a good mood. I was feeling like I was getting the flu, actually said I'm calling you from bed, chilled to the bone. Got a "you're in bed right now?" Yes, not feeling well. Almost expected the "you are always sick". Never one ounce of empathy, but if her big toe aches, it's the end of the world.
So, I called her back later that evening. If I don't call 2x on Sunday, I'm a rotten daughter. Yeah, it was back to her greatest hits. Never thought she'd be living alone, she doesn't eat right, she barely had anything to eat that day (now mind you she was just fine around mid-afternoon, no complaints at all), she even groused about how her parents behaved at her wedding. She couldn't remember if they congratulated her. The wedding was over 65 years ago, give it up already. She drags up every wrong, real or perceived, ever done to her. She's had such a horrible life. She's done everything for everyone, now no one (aka - me) will help her. To be honest, she's done stuff, true enough, but she always made sure everyone knew she did something, never just a silent good deed, had to be announced far and wide.
She went on a rant how she wanted to move away after my dad passed away more than 50 years ago, but she didn't get her way. She says 'you kids' said no.
What is wrong with that statement? Maybe the fact that YOU were the adult, YOU were in charge. If you felt it best to move, then you needed to do so. I told her that once, and she said oh I hate when you say that, that I was in charge. Well, you WERE. She also doesn't think that it was her job to make sure we were fed, clothed, and had a roof over our heads. That was above and beyond, because my dad died. No that is part of any parent's job, whether married or single. She now has added the refrain of I wished I never had children, especially if I knew what I know now. Great. So you'd be all alone, no one to do your bidding or bitch to every other day. But we do nothing for her.
I was thinking, and she's been really a joyless person for the majority of the time I've known her. She gets her only joy if she's the center of attention or gets her way. But never played with us as kids, never read stories, just do your chores, get your work done. If we achieved anything, she wasn't really happy for us, it was more of a feather in her cap. She never had one conversation ever, so what do you want to do in life.....she assumed that I had a few options: secretary/office worker, teacher, maybe a nurse. She never brought up nursing because she's squeamish. If she wasn't interested, just assumed we surely could not be interested.
So I got through the half bad conversation last evening, and now of course, she's not picking up tonight. I've not been there since Christmas, and frankly, her bad attitude just pushes the idea of a visit further and further out of my mind. I'm sure if I ever go there, she'll be bitching about how long it's been since I've been there. Her line is, if you don't want me to live with you, then you have to visit more often. No, that doesn't mean it at all. I've almost said, I'm going to see if your friend's helper would stop by here and help you out. I'll pay. Seriously, I would if it'd improve her attitude one bit. I'd probably hear how great the helper is, unlike her awful daughter.