The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

fraz ((((((((hugs))))))) My deepest condolences. Loss is harder when it is so sudden. This is the end of a long difficult journey for you and the beginning of a (hopefully) better one. I pray the next few weeks aren't too hard on you. Take care of yourself.

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Frazzled, I am so sorry,, it seems worse when it is not expected,, you are left wondering.. Please take care of your self and allow yourself all the time to grieve that you need. Love you..

Oh Frazzled. I'm so sorry for your loss!!

Frazzeled - Hugs to you.

Your mother's difficult journey has ended. Hopefully your caregiving journey ends as well. Take care of and be kind to yourself. Many emotions right now. And that's all right.

Oh Frazzled I'm so sorry. ((hugs))

Mom passed away this afternoon...I'm still kind of in shock I think. It was very unexpected. The staff were in her room this morning to give her insulin, etc and she was eating breakfast, and when they came back this afternoon she was lying on the couch unresponsive. CPR tried, but staff and paramedics unable to resuscitate her. I think she may have had a heart attack in her sleep. They called me this afternoon and said they needed to see me right away.

I feel a lot of things right now....shock, disbelief, sadness, also mixed with relief that she's not suffering anymore.

I've called sis and let family know, will be making arrangements in the next day or two. Oldest daughter called and going to stop by here in a bit. Just....still trying to process everything. I got kind of emotional when I was up there talking to the staff and when I went in to see her, but it's more of just this shell shocked, worn-out feeling right now...

Thank you for this particular forum on caregiving and dysfunctional families. I realize my situation is not unique and it helps to share frustrations, fears, suggestions, and encouragement.

My mother has struggled with mental illness all of her life but never sought any kind of treatment...even when my sisters and I offered to pay for everything. As a mental health professional, I can't diagnose family members or close friends (ethical issues) but I can say she meets the DSM-5 criteria for Borderline Personality Disorder, Major Depressive Disorder, GAD, mild agoraphobia, and bulimia. My late father was an alcoholic; my grandmother was bi-polar, and miscellaneous family members were physically and sexually abusive.

When I would open up to individuals who were not raised in craziness, they just don't understand.....good for them as I have a mixture of jealousy and gratefulness they don't know what it was like.

She is now living with me because no one else can stand her. Her grandchildren haven't spoken to her in over two years because of her hatefulness and my sister and I are on our last efforts after unsuccessful attempts at senior living and hiring caregivers. She was so verbally abusive to the last caregiver, she left in the middle of the day while I was at work. After hearing all of the horrible things my mother said to her...I couldn't blame her.

Anyway...thank you for this forum and the opportunity to vent.

I have not caught up. So I apologize if I missed acknowledging anyone. CRS has me mixing things up.
Just know that my heart and support in spirit prevails.

I will always be a work in progress, just wish it wasnt so painful. Some times those flashbacks hit hard. Sometimes my mother will do or say or act in her norm and its nasty and then I remember who she was and things she did knowing this fool is going to always come back no matter what I do.

The thing is, sometimes I feel like that fool. Ms. fix it. Ms make it right. and I get bitter from the gaslighting that I had no clue on the game.

So anyways Praise God, I am still walking around with a head on my shoulders and I havent given up hope, I get down and dont care but I still hope to see justice and real love and feel normal one of these old days.

Love peace and happiness to everyone.

Hi all,
Girlsaylor, you spoke my heart and mind on the posting. I get CRS when I am posting (Cant remember s**&T). Also, its wonderful how you have come to terms with the a abuse from siblings and narcissitic mother. Sometimes I can laugh at my sisters antics but the pain is so deep rooted in me that I am still bitter. I am not ugly enough nor do I want to be that way to seek revenge about so many things. ANyway the time is past for past harms. Last nite I dreamt of a time when my sister just came in room and snatched the covers off me while I slept. I just pulled them back on and layed back down she came in and did it again. I was maybe 17 or 18 at the time maybe younger and had my lady thing going on. Well she came back and did the same and then went in my parents rooms to look out the window. My dog who slept on the foot of the bed (which my father didnt care for but gave in I guess) went and jumped on my sister behind the blinds. He was a german shephard. Starteled her good. But thats the spirit of our relationship. I guess then I didnt have the heart to face her ugly or my mothers. I stay in amazement at how accepted that as a norm for so long. It makes the scars go deeper.

Golden, your post bought back memories. I used to drive south a good 12 hour ride and back in then it was the worst thing to get caugt behind one of those farm machine trucks or a school bus. So furstrating in a two way road. I got a good smile out of that one.

I am still not caught up.

Security, I feel for you in my heart. Its very painful and vindictive to be blocked out of a loved ones care.

Speaking of which I found an old form sent by the teacher's retieremant leagal department sealed to be returned with forms for my sister and her son to be health care proxy, power of attorney over care and finances and being able to gift. It was not signed. My mother a true narc and obsessived with controlling and weilding power just like my sister would never sign away her power. I still dont know if it was done though this was stamped 4/18/18. Its not even amazing. Its proof of the shifty behaviour. Everything they try to blame and project on me is what they are guilty of.

So I continue to apply for housing. have to lchange income on application again. Its lower since I took the trip to korea. No work no pay. I will also in contact with casemanger for the meals on obtain some type of home care.

Right now I am sought of consumed with finishing these test I have been taking. I am waiting for approval for a cat scan with contrast. They saw something in lthe MRI but it wasnt clear. Still have to see about thyroid, So even though its not a concious worry. I know deep inside its wearing on me. I was already down but sometimes I really dont care. It seems I can get up and plan something that I have to do for someone else and find it so hard to do what I need to do in my space and time that will make me feel better and take a load off my mind.

I have to get some glasses. I think that is part of my issue. I have to pairs broken. I wear contacts. Plenty of those. I get them really cheap, But once my day is done and I go up to my room I take them out so I can read and watch my series I need reading glases see. Then I cant see for daisies anything not right in front of my face. I watch shows on my phone. I dont watch tv and if I do its very close to the bed.

So this week schools out for presidents day and winter break so I will be taking Sham's children iceskating. Dreamt about that too. But I dont think I will be gettin on the ice. I may be too much for these old joints!:) lol. But who knows. In dream I was skating threw slush went up on an embankment and did somersalt in the air and then was sliding on my but on the ice. Whew! Scary but I have always been kind of adventurous and crazy. Anyways I am looking forward!!

Panda, welcome to this site but I must disagree with you on one thing. I don't believe dementia always brings out a person's true character. I know in my Mom's case it didn't. I think dementia is one of those disorders where you can't really say it's always this or always that. That is one of problems with treating dementia. It always presents differently with whomever it attacks.

Trying, great to see you! Good luck on that new position, hope you get it, less stress is always an uncompensated benefit, but very worth it.

Welcome to the newcomers, Panda, Security and Gabnea, Sissi Girlsaylor! And anyone I may have missed.

Hi all. Once again it has been a while. So glad to "see" everyone... long timers and new comers. So much courage and wisdom on this thread.
I wanted to share two bits of good news today. After a lifetime of untreated mental health issues Mom was finally put on an SSRI and the change is dramatic. She no longer complains 24/7, when she shows signs of aggressiveness it does not escalate, she is not picking on Dad like before and she actually smiles and laughs now and again. I have been pushing for this forever but Sis is Medical POA and she was very resistant. For a very short time a couple years ago, after Mom had a bout of Psychosis, Sis did agree to have Mom put on Psych meds but that was short lived. I think she was worried there would be side effects. Anyway Sis is also thrilled with the improvement in Mom so I doubt she will start second guessing her decision. Fingers crossed.

My second bit of good news is I am applying for an opening in a different program in another school. The new job would be less stressful and I hear good things about the team and lead teacher. It will be a cut in pay but I really don't care. I want out of where I am. I love the staff I work with but we are all burned out by our toxic boss. She is the quintessential gas lighter and people seldom last more than two years under her. I am in my fourth year and enough is enough. I spoke with the head of Special Ed and she thinks my chances are good to get the new position. She was really nice and said I would be a good fit for the job. She also said she thought I would be happy there. I thought that was sweet of her.

Sis and I have come to a truce of sorts, mostly because I stay out of her way. I purposely did not attend an advanced directive meeting for Dad. Sis does not listen to any input from me so there was no need for me to be there. My brother went because he shares conservatorship with Sis and he said it was a circus. Dads dementia has gotten much worse. Sis kept trying to get him to state his wishes but Dad just went off on delusional rambles til finally the lawyer quietly told her that Dad was obviously not competent to contribute in a meaningful way. Sis got defensive and said she was respecting our Dads right to have a say, which would be fine but he is not able to do that. I am so glad I did not go.

Thanks for listening, I havethe next week off from school so I hope to pop in more often. Take care everyone.

Golden23. The phoning and passive aggressive behaviour has been a life long trait. The total lack of empathy for others and monitoring me has gone on for 40 years
Its my aim not to be that percentage who die first. I live in Australia and I am guessing most people here are in USA. Help for Carers and those needing care is pretty good here. The hard part is getting it. If my husband was 65 or over he would at least be in respite care by now. However we recently introduced a National Disability Insurance Scheme or NDIS which allow for someone like my husband, if the doctor and specialist reports support it, to be assessed under the Aged Care Act On 22.2.19 his psychiatrist is putting him in hospital for two weeks observation and I am not ashamed to say I will be pushing for such a report. I am only 61 and I think 41 of those years is enough to give him. I have noticed that when a person has Dementia their true nature comes through. My mother was a very unhappy person most of her life and others always told me what a fun and happy person she used to be. The more her Alzheimer’s progressed the more this lovely person came out. Someone I never knew. My husband is just as self absorbed and controlling but without the filters. He also has an uncanny ability to make people feel sorry for him. He is not a bad person just a selfish one who somehow has three adults running around like a chook with no head doing his bidding

I’m not nearly as good as Golden in responding, so chalk it up to me having no memory. I read a post, want to offer support. But next post, and the last two posters’ names go out the window, lol.
So, on the sibling who won’t give an accounting of the assets, been there, done that. My half brother refused to give an accounting of the assets, told me to go ask my dead mother. Okay, the narc is gone, but the Flying Monkeys are still trying to abuse me. I contacted the estate lawyer, who refused all contact with me. My siblings were like vultures when my narc mother passed, had a big gathering to divide the spoils, didn’t call me to tell me she passed for weeks. They had a whole lot of pissing and moaning about how dare I inherit anything, after they, and their offspring, were the Golden children and grandchildren. My half brother/executor skimmed the estate horribly, hundreds of thousands by my estimate. I found out from one lone niece about how they were teaching my nieces and nephews, by example, at the scapegoating meeting. I live hundreds of miles away, and choose to just stay away. Nobody is entitled to an inheritance, and when the estate lawyer refuses to communicate with the family, he’s in on the collusion. I decided to take my pittance that remained and the priceless peace that comes with going no contact. I’m so done with them. No legal fight for me. My parting shot is going no contact, since they have assassinated my character, trashed my reputation, etc. I am no longer available for their baiting, their hooovering, their disgusting abuse. I suspect their sense of loss at not having me for a scapegoat is worse than my grief over losing my narc mother. Once you realize your siblings have been abusing you for decades, and take back your life, it’s amazing how well you can laugh at their sick little games. I am no longer the sick one. Damaged, absolutely. They are the sick ones. Let them choke on it.

Aaargh - the snow eating and spewing machines, and the large trucks that follow them to haul the snow away are doing the road in front of the house. I stay in all week and they choose today when I have to go out. One has to be careful not to get stuck behind them or on the wrong side of the large middle of the road windrow. Maybe I will pass on getting the mail today which is around the corner in a keyhole crescent. Tomorrow will do.

Take care all.

Welcome, Security, Your profile says that your sib got POA after your mum was declared incompetent. Then that POA should not be valid. Do you have it in writing that your mum was declared incompetent on a date before this POA was drawn up? Then you should be able to take that to a lawyer and have the new POA (your sib) revoked and the old POA (you) would be in force.

I question when you say (in your profile) your sib had your mother put on hospice. Doctors have to be involved in and make that decision. POA cannot make it though they can agree or disagree with the doctor. If your mother has been declared ready for hospice then I don't doubt that she needs it. It is really unfortunate when a sib keeps all information from other sibs.

Caring for a senior when they are terminal is not easy. Your mum decided at one point that she preferred to have you as POA, then she changed her mind and wanted your sub, and now she has changed again and wants you back. I wonder if she will be content in any situation. Alz patients often ask to go home, but what they usually are taking about is the home of their youth, not any place that could be home now. She probably needs 24/7 care and that is hard for anyone to provide in their home.

In any case, to get a POA revoked you need a lawyer. That would be the place to start. Good luck!

Omg where to begin a diet long got poa after both patents medically diagnosed with alzheimer's then sold house to daughter at discount .now daddy has passed.mama stuck on assisted living in sibling care .they do not like each other and my mother wants to be under the care of me or my other sibling how can we revoke poa to get her out of assisted living and into our homes.not to mention she is on hospice and neither of us are on a list to know anything.

Welcome, panda. 6 years of complete hell. I don't doubt it. How could you stand it??? I understand about a parent dying and that being a relief. My mother died in December and it has been an enormous relief for me.

It sounds like your hub is very controlling. Parkinson's and LBD are extremely challenging for a care giver -and certainly no fun for the person who has them. Trying to make him understand is a fruitless task. It sounds like the dementia is progressing and you can't argue anyone with dementia out of their point of view. The lying may be part of the dementia.

If you do not have access to his medical info, who does? Who is his POA and health care proxy?

I hear your anger and understand it. Care giving is a very hard job with few benefits. A manipulative controlling spouse is hard to live with. Care giving changes a person and in some ways not for the better. Could you find some ways to improve your quality of life? How about start not answering the phone when he calls unnecessarily. He will be mad, but what's new? Have you considered counseling for yourself. There may be a PD/LBD/dementia support group near you, that you could attend.

Do you have any help coming in? As the PD/LBD progresses he will need a higher level of care. and it may become more than you can manage by yourself.

In any case, come back and vent any time. We understand and others are gong through similar things. 30-40% of caregivers die before the one they are caring for. You need to take care of yourself. (((((((hugs)))))))

Hi. I am new to this site and this way of communication. I am looking after my husband who was recently diagnosed with Parkinson’s but has been steadily “losing it” since early 2014. It now seems he has Lewy Body Dementia. We have now moved to another state to be near our son who we now live with. It is very hard as my husbands decline has been rapid. However the really hard part has been the abuse and treatment I have had from his family, especially his mother and my other son. It’s no exaggeration to say it’s been 6 years of complete hell
we moved house 3 times in 4 years. I also had my father to take care of which was hard as he was not a nice man and completely selfish. He died November last year and it was a relief. My husband is also a very self absorbed person who never really connected with people but was still a good friend and person but with no real empathy for others. Work was his whole world whether paid or around his own home. He had no interests or sports. He only wanted to do things with me. The mobile phone was the curse of my life. It was nothing for him to call me 6 times a day. He wanted to know where I was at all times and resented me having anything that was my own. It was nothing to be at the hairdresser or such and he would suddenly turn up or phone me if I was out with friends. How long will you be. What time will you be home etc. I can honestly say that the only responsibility he had was to go to work which he did well but he loved it. A lot of resentment and anger from me to him has built up because of it and the fact that he was always totally clueless to any of it no matter how much I tried to make him understand. He loved to tell people (even his therapist that he didn’t know why I was so angry all the time as he was the best husband in the world as everything he did was for me
now I am accused of doing this to him. Of lying about his condition. Of trying to keep him from his family and trying to put him in a home. I am not trusted and to ad to the insults no one talks directly to me, his wife about how he is
as I no longer have to be endured. I am angry on a lot of levels. At my husband not just for being sick as I know he can’t help it but for manipulating the last 40 years of my life and now I am living with my son. My husband is only 63 and not eligible for aged care assessments for permanent care or respite. I am angry at the notion that I am a strong person and will just soldier on. I am angry with the way I have been treated. I hate my life i see little sayings about how being a Carer is such a fulfilling experience but honestly I think it sucks. It is very hard to care for a person, such as my father who you don’t like. I am treading water waiting for respite time from my husband. If this shocks people then I am sorry
i think there are a lot of us out there who feel this way. In a holding pattern. I saw a meme which read
I miss me
The smiling me
The happy me
The gone me

Welcome GABMEA2. That sounds like a pretty uncomfortable situation. Your profile says your relationship with your mum has been shaky. I guess it still is. Yes she is blessed to have you looking after her. Some people see their glass as half empty not half full. My mother passed in December, She has her health and her mind pretty well until she was 100, and was comfortably off financially, yet she was negative most of the time. I could never have had her live with me. I am sure this is very hard on you. (((((hugs)))))

glad -she sure is playing games. If she keeps it she should pay the estate for it and for the cost of storage, in my view. I am glad you have given her a deadline, This is getting ridiculous.

Tokay, I am angry. My mim is whining about what she cant do and doesnt have. She can walk with a walker, needs help dressing and bathing, her mind is in tact. I am home with her 90% of the time. She us blessed.

She is an idjut!

With the distribution she wanted me to sign a day before Christmas, the am out was 35K less than she has said just a month or so before. Oh, maybe she forgot about that money she used for something or other.

I sent an email tonight giving her a deadline of March 1.

If ts2 keeps the stuff that was stored, shouldn't she also pay the estate for the cost of the storage?

So sorry, glad. She really is impossible -out for everything she can get.
Legal action may be the only route, I think she is derelict in her duties.

No spinning here, Everything is working fine.

UGH! Twisteds! Probate! Trust! Estate! Secrets! No responses! Back to dysfunction. Mom has been gone for a year and a half now. Still the same nonsense!

Asked for full accounting two months ago, nothing! Spends 35K in four years for storage of mom's business items and fabrics, then TS2 thinks she will donate and keep some? Asked if she was buying, then she stated she was going to charge the estate for her bookkeeping, when the accounting cannot even be obtained?

Just plain nuts!

Is anyone else having trouble posting? The spinner just keeps spinning and spinning!

gershun - I don't eat molasses!!!! lol Actually I don't even have it in the house. There are grief exercises online. A good group can really help, but you had a bad experience. One thing I found hard after my youngest son died was the terrible bouts of crying. I was afraid if I "gave in to them" I was going to get lost in the darkness and never come out of it. But I learned that I always did come out and to just let it happen. Grief needs to be expressed. At that time we learned about the 4 T's of grief recovery Tears, Talk (or writing). Toil (like new rituals for special days), and Time if you do the other 3. Now they have 6 Ts a bit different. Any way of expressing your feelings helps.

nomore -I am glad you look good. That always helps. I see you are part of the club of those whose mothers were/are unable to nurture them. We survive anyway by parenting ourselves and getting some help from friends and so on. Keep venting. it's not my experience that most women can't mother, but mine certainly couldn't.

girlsaylor -good suggestions. My mother had borderline personality disorder and narcissism. I did join a BPD group once.

Sissisu - keep up the boundaries. Mother (passed in December) used to visit but I had to put a stop to it as her demands were too great. Last time (some years ago) she took the bus up and then said she wasn't leaving till I drove her back. I was working full time and it is a five+ hour drive. The whole time was complaints, negativity and put downs, They don't want solutions they want to be the centre of your world. No thanks, I didn't sign on for that. Come back and vent any time, We understand.

glad - I saw pics of those snow apples. Unique!!!

stacey - thank goodness you moved before the storm. So very well done. Time now for you and hubby to relax a bit. Hoe you are snugly settled in at your sis's place. and warm!!!!
mally - got to go where the guys are!!!

Hi duck -stay warm, Happy Valentines Day to you too.

Been taking a break The weather has been so cold it affects me even though I mostly stay indoors. My oldest son agrees that it freezes your brain. The Siberian front has moved away from us but is still in effect further south where I have to head to sign the probate document. Next week will be OK hopefully. It is the windchill in the -30s and - 40s which is so bad.

Got a pile of unopened mail staring at me balefully. I'll get to it eventually. I am having some grief reactions but not the normal missing ones -more like anger that I still have to be doing stuff. This too will pass.

Deep breaths.

After all, tomorrow is another day and all that good stuff. Frankly my dear, I don't give a d...!!!

On the bright side, even at these low temps my car starts, if somewhat reluctantly. It is in the garage, but not plugged in. Good vehicle!

Take care all - group (((((((hug))))))).

(((HUGS))) to everyone. Just checking in to say hi. I am not caught up and miss you guys. Same old S&^^5T going on just a different day. Lots of same of stuff going on plus doctors appointments trying to resolve some issues.


I hope everyone is fine and in good spirits.

Much love to all. Happy Valentines Day! Be safe, be well and be good to yourselves.

Some of us never get used to it (spent many years in FL and CA), but not willing to leave my hubby to escape.... oh well...

SharynM, Yes this Storm Front is Crazy! We have about 11 inches, with 3-6 more expected tomorrow in the late afternoon, and Another round coming even later in the week! This type of heavy snowfall is unusual for the Seattle area, but it is definitely pretty if you have the provisions and can stay home, hunker down and enjoy it!

Tthankfully my husband was able to get out and about, get groceries, gas, Rx's, a take & bake Pizza and get back before the next round of snow starts up. We are So Lucky to have had our move all buttoned up befor this latest storm hit, wow that would have been a Mess!

After a few days of all this snow, I am over it. I don't know how you folks who live with a whole Winter of snow on the ground do it, but I guess you must get used to it.

I hope you all are fairing well, as it sounds like most of the country and Canada is being hit by some form of bad weather, so you all take care now! Love Stacey

Sissisu- Right on! Do not allow her to hijack your life.