The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

So now Mom is in a dark mood again. She's fairly cheerful for a while, then you just walk on eggshells waiting for the bottom to drop out. I live over 4 hours away, which she's been saying more and more oh I wish you were here. Nope, not happening. Even though I'd love to change jobs, I'm getting close to retirement, and it'd be just stupid to switch up now. I'm one of the 'go to' people at work, so even though I grumble, it is a pretty secure job. I've got a 2 story home, as most are here. I hear how I did it on purpose (2 stories) so she couldn't come here (she cannot navigate stairs now). I should have consulted her, got her opinion before I dared buy a home. I'm just selfish.
She had a big old meltdown the other day when I called her. She really wanted to get in a big fight, and I put the phone on mute, saying maybe 3 or 4 sentences. It really upset her, because she just loves attention, even if a big fight. I'm done with it. So she hasn't answered her phone now for a couple of days. Kind of new, but she does pout when you're in person, so this is just an extension.
Weather has been bad, so no travels there since the holidays. Holidays were not good at all, so not anxious to be visiting again.
Her latest complaining was that she had to put her Christmas decorations away. Well, tried to tell her to put out a table top tree, but it was too small for her. Always has to have bigger and better than anyone else. Honestly, if she wants to put all of that stuff out, which isn't necessary, then it's hers to deal with when it's time to put it away. She thinks that my brother and I would bitch if she didn't put out decorations. Nope. Could not care less. I'm pretty much done with any holiday or celebration, as it's miserable. It's her complaining endlessly. As my brother told her (when he blew up at her) nothing is ever enough. He pops in and delivers things (groceries, mail) and may do small household tasks. She leaves it to me to do all of the cleaning, laundry, etc. Last time I was there, I was rushing to get packed and leave. She was very calmly sitting reading the morning newspaper, watching the local news. As soon as she saw me, she started crying, "I need your help!". Ok, what? She'd wet the bed. The whole story was suspect; she sat on the edge of the bed for a few minutes as she felt she had to go to the bathroom, but didn't get up. We have bought personal hygiene pads, pads for the bed, etc. So yes, I had to stay extra and do more laundry. I said (again) you need to wear heavier pads or get Depends underwear, plus a mattress protector that actually isn't threadbare. She doesn't even try to be proactive. She then cried and said why me? Uh, it is VERY common, and she's not senile. I'm almost tempted to say she does it for attention; she has always had to be the center of attention. Her friends are less receptive to her calls, distancing themselves. I got her a cell phone and pad, which she then said the cell phone is 'stupid' and she can't sit on the internet all day! I didn't say it had to be all day, but she'd said she was the only one who couldn't get online. Well, there you go. Again, nothing is ever enough.
She'll call me again when she needs something. She had a little pouting spell about two weeks ago, then had laryngitis and called me asking what to do. I knew she was over her cold when the typical complaining started up again.
She keeps wanting to come for a visit, even saying she'd just set up her bedroom in my living room (due to stairs). No that won't happen. I had entertained the thought of a brief visit, but with every little episode that idea dims more and more.
Thanks to all for letting me vent. Such a helpful forum, knowing I'm not the only one who struggles with an elderly parent.

Shout out to Stacey! Hope all is well after Winter Storm Maya! We are currently under severe storm warning for the same storm, but not as severe as your area received. Stay safe everyone in the path of Maya.

Wow! Never saw these before, nor heard of them. Ghost apples on trees in Michigan after ice storm. Just saw this on the news.

For those here who are grappling with severe effects from malignant narcissism from a parent, if it’s allowed, I found a forum on psych central, for C-PTSD. It seems to have some followers posting who have been targeted by usually mothers, at the worst end of the narcissism spectrum. Many have been and still are being abused by their narc’s Flying Monkeys. If not okay to post about another group, I apologize. Just trying to offer a possible online group option. The folks here are wonderful, but as narcissism, like autism, exists on a spectrum, maybe a bit more targeted forum may be another resource.
Have a beautiful day, all.

No more, you do have to love yourself. It is hard when self love and care have not been modeled. It is hard accepting that the woman who gave birth to us cannot accept us as we are. Many of us have experienced this. We talk so much about setting boundaries with family and others; it is necessary to have boundaries. You say you are young, learning boundaries and limit setting is something you should consider. There are many websites that talk about boundaries....check them out and decide if it is something you want to do.

No More. It is sad to hear your recent post. Have you tried to find any support groups covering different subject matters? It seems that in general more issues are being addressed in this era although it may be harder to find in certain areas but I would think if you search you may find some. Often hospitals offer some. I hope you can find some relief from your despair.

It’s just been my experience. Maybe it’s the region but the majority of women I’ve known around here view younger women including their daughters, nieces, and daughters in law as useless, as someone to do menial chores for them or just competition. Abusive marriages and worse things are routinely swept under the rug and daughters and young women seem to be badly neglected...they get stuck in bad
abusive marriages themselves and continue the cycle. I’m in a very economically depressed and conservative region and I am slowly suffocating under the weight...

Nomore, I sympathize but disagree about the "most women don't have any capability to love a daughter or daughter figure" I look around and see lots of mothers loving their daughters. I think sometimes we experience things and then see the whole world through our experience, which is natural to do but doesn't always paint an accurate picture.

So because I don’t have health insurance and have a horrible pain in my right hip I decided to do a really fancy nice manicure. She complained because it isn’t practical, yet I still prepared her food, cleaned the bathrooms, styled her hair, painted her nails, mopped the floors, washed all the dishes and fetched her drinks. I’m limping around and I have no way out, no better job awaits, but I’m darn good at what I do and I look good. She’s jealous. Which is sad because I started doing this because I wanted a mother to love me and I am starting to realize that most women don’t have any capability to love a daughter or a daughter figure. I’m realizing I have to love myself...

You guys are just the best! Thank you all for understanding, being non-judgemental. I am sorry to have so much company here on this thread. But amazed to learn others understand I am not mad, that dysfunctional families are lifetime emotional burdens.

Thank-you Golden. You are right. Intellectually I know what I should and should not do. Emotionally, not so much. And yes, I do have my guard up with my sister. Actually my whole family. I always breathe a sigh of relief when I'm by myself again.

If you are encased in molasses, then I must be encased in congealed oatmeal. I know I eat enough of it. :P

Gershun (((((hugs))))) agreed about friends here. I am sorry you are blue. I wonder if the sad thoughts are trying to get out rather than in, You must have sad feelings and thoughts inside about the loss of your mum and other things. Maybe they are trying to be expressed. When we express our sad feelings we feel better after and are resolving our grief.. When we shut down our feelings, all feelings get shut down - pleasant and not so pleasant. We numb ourselves from grief pain this way, but we also numb ourselves from the good feelings that come with opening ourselves up to others, and the grief pain is still there affecting us. I think many find it easier to open up on line as you have much more control over the amount of connection you have with anyone, One click and they are gone if you need that!

I totally understand you not feeling safe with your sis. I don't feel safe with mine either.

Yes, God knows what is gong on with you more than you do, and He loves you and wants you healed. Sorry I am late in answering. I still have this inertia. Hopefully it will go soon. "As slow as molasses in January." I feel like I am encased in it.

sharyn - sunshine is lovely no matter the temp! Your weather sounds great! Sorry Tiger is not well but glad there is an easy solution. He is a decent age.

girlsaylor - glad your hubs is doing well. Wow he has a lot of health issues and you have a lot of work and your own health issues. Oh dear - the golden haired sister thing. You are totally right. There is no use explaining anything to them, I am in careful contact now arranging mother's funeral, but when that is over - sayonara, baby!!!

We are in the worst of the worst winter This morning at 10 am it was -41.8 F feels like -56 F. It's a little better now and getting better during the week. The worst of it will be over soon. Meanwhile, I am in hibernation mode and want to sleep a lot and not do much The probate document is ready to be signed so I will travel south to do that, but not till the weather is a bit better. I don't want to travel at these temperatures. I don't think it is wise. Last time I flew down we had to walk across the tarmac to the terminal, I am not risking doing that at 35 below in a wind.

One blessing - I can use the lovely and expensive bubble bath Yay!!! Crabtree and Evelyn have gone out of business in Canada, but I can get some on line for now.
Enjoying the longer days and looking forward to the warmer weather that IS coming.

Take care. all. Be good to you.

I just cannot keep up with all the comments here, so many struggling.
Right now hubs is doing well. He is back to driving to some of the many appointments. But it’s only a matter of time, the inevitable complications of severe arterial disease, two bouts with cancer, and his emotional instability revisit. Each illness is worse than the last. There are still a lot of procedures I have to take him to, manage pre-op instructions, medications, perform all homemaking chores, shopping, etc. it wears on me, being early diabetic, needing a cane to walk, toting my oxygen around for my lung disease.
But right now he’s doing better than he has for months. I’ll take it.
As far as my dysfunctional family, even though both abusive, narcissistic parents are gone, the Flying Monkeys still Circle me. I’ve gone no contact with most all family. Yet today my golden haired sister still trying to pull me back in with an email, wondering if I’m ignoring her. Hell yes, now that I understand her rage when our mother died. They all rage at me. Even had a meeting and all ranted about me while they hurriedly cleaned out mother’s belongings, before letting me know she had passed. Really sick way to scapegoat your own sibling. But now I understand, and no longer give any of them the audience. There is no point in explaining anything to a golden haired sibling. They like their elevated standing in the family. They scapegoat to keep themselves elevated. Sorry, sis, you drank the kool aid. Only you can stick your finger down your own throat and come clean of your own sickness. For me, choosing mental sanity.

We have had lots of sunshine here which always perks me up with highs in 40’s and ccalm winds. It’s been rather nice.

My 16 year old Tiger kitty has lost weight, increased appetite and thirst. I was concerned it was kidney failure and had him tested. Turns out he has hyperthyroidism and it’s easily treated with meds.

Stacey, many changes and a new journey for you and your hubs. Exciting, new and good changes. I hope you find a condo you love soon!

Send and Madge and all of you. I love you too! You truly are my friends. As I said to someone on here once, even though we haven't met we have had a meeting of the minds and hearts and that's most important.

Golden, I am having the blues period, not just the January blues. As I told Hubs the other day I feel like my heart is so guarded since Mom passed. My mind is like a steel trap now and if I see the trap open up even a bit with sad thoughts trying to get in I shut it immediately. The only problem with that is I'm not just keeping sad thoughts out. I'm keeping everyone and everything at arm's length. I'm definitely not as warm and open with people I meet on a day to day basis. It's sad cause I used to love to open up to others and now it's like I'm scared to. Yes, I open up to you guys but you are safe I guess cause I can't see you, you can't see me. It's kind of anonymous I guess.

I went for an evening snack with my sister a couple of weeks ago and normally I would enjoy sipping on some wine, chatting and soaking up the ambiance of a place. But instead I felt rattled and nervous and just not myself. I just wanted to get home where it's safe.

My husband is still away and now might be gone even longer than I had thought. So I'm alone all the time and I know that's not good. But when I go out by myself to do errands etc. I feel even more morose. I think that's why I felt God talking to me the other evening. He knows what's going on with me better than I do and I felt that. It was comforting

Anyways, thx for letting me spill my guts once again. :)

Well, "end-of-January blues" here . I am not blue so much as blah!!! Don't feel like doing anything and been a bit that way for a few days. Today is bitterly cold outside, so I have jacked up the thermostat and am dressed warmly - even in the house. Overall it hasn't been a bad winter, but the next few weeks are probably going to be fairly cold. I am looking forward to the end of it.

My sis is showing her colours. First it was an request that I arrange the funeral for certain dates ASAP as she needs to get a good deal on plane tickets to the large city 1 hour away. from where the funeral will be. They have just returned from the Canary Islands so they aren't exactly hurting financially. Though I hadn't planned on doing this for a couple of months, I contacted the cemetery guy and got one of the dates approved. Then she suggested her new hub (retired pastor) could do a graveside service rather than us having a funeral. That one works as it is means less arranging for me, so I agreed to it. Of course, he will get an honorarium out of it. Then she wrote that they would be counting on us for transportation in our old home town when they were there. I haven't answered that one. There are taxis, but we don't mind doing a little locally. I actually checked it out and there is a bus - one a day - or a train plus half hour taxi ride to and from our home town and where they will be staying. They will have to figure that out, She followed that up with asking if we were flying into the same city as they were. I haven't answered that either as I know she wants us to chauffeur them around. Actually, we have decided to fly west of old home town to Ottawa, rent a car and stay a few days for the interment, then rent a cottage near the Gatineau Hills to enjoy the fall scenery and I don't want to be saddled with driving sis and her hub around. It is not beyond her to change her plans to fit ours and expect us to take them with us for free. The less info I give her the better. "No" is a complete sentence!!!

Sent my quick passport application off 2 weeks before the late date and it didn't arrive in eastern Canada in time, so I will have to redo it using the long form. Aaaargh! Getting tired of forms. I need a cert from the Ontario govt to be able to inter the ashes there. Hoping that is about the last form I have to do for a while.

That nice bubble bath gel arrived today. Here's hoping I am not allergic to it.

Treat yourself, everyone You deserve it! Everyone needs a boost once in a while.

glad - the temptation is awful isn't it, but you got a great bargain!!!

heart - so glad you posted. Can you come back and tell us how things are with you? Your mum is getting on i years.

ali -I am back low low carb. I really need to live on it. I sure understand not wanting to diet. Feeling the end of January stuff. More on that later. I am staying warm (mostly) thank you.

duck -turning off the brain isn't easy but distraction, soothing music, exercise, reaching out to friends about something different, a good book, hot bubble baths etc all help. maybe counting to 10 before blowing would be useful. You need to heal from the family dysfunction and it is very hard to do that when you are in the middle of it. My new drs mall is a tiny strip mall, no window shopping there!!! We only have 2 indoor malls in this city - both downtown.

gershun - ((((((hugs))))) Hope your dentist visit goes well. It reminds me that I am due for a cleaning. So glad God assured you that He loves you. I have had Him say the same thing to me when I was doubting myself. Could you feeling the end of January blues? Lack of light can really do a number on us.

tg - glad you didn't clean off your dad's car. About helping your daughter who is out of work - my position was I would never see them wanting for a meal or a roof over their heads, but their debts were their debts. They need to take responsibility for themselves. Are you assuming that for your dd? You need your vacation!!! You can choose your perils! "A person exhibiting a martyr complex will exhibit the following psychological traits:low self-esteem, an exaggerated sense of responsibility to others, fear of being abandoned, and difficulties adjusting to change." (from the web)

cwillie -sounds good to me. No need for formal dinners.


no more - what barb and fraz wrote. How can she insist you walk to work? I don't understand. Don't take on her worries. Let her own them. Let her get angry! Do what is good for you. Because she was abused as a child does not give her the right to abuse you. You don't HAVE to make sacrifices, and you do NEED to take steps to help yourself.

fraz - so well said. We have to like and love ourselves. Sometimes that means detaching from family or friends.

MsMadge,
You are exactly right! We do love Gershun!
And, we love you too!

Hugs, NoMore, I'm sorry you are going through this. There is hope though. Please don't give up. In my city here, there are a couple of women's shelters that help with putting a roof over your head and helping you with basic necessities and getting back on your feet, even finding a job, etc. Do a search and give a few of them a call. Tell them you are needing out of a situation that is taking a toll on your health and mental health. Also I'd call your local social services office and inquire about how to go about getting another caregiver or guardian appointed for your fiance's mom, and then give fiance and his mom your notice that you are quitting. Doesn't mean you and fiancé have to break up necessarily, just that you no longer have to deal with this.

Know when others will love and appreciate you for you? When YOU love and appreciate your worth too. I'm not being sarcastic, it's true though. I had to learn to like myself enough to realize that I needed to break free of some of my toxic family members for my own health and sanity.

So, I’m the state paid caregiver/sucker who doesn’t have family that can help me. She’s driven off almost everyone else who isn’t a cluster B sociopath. I don’t yell at her or hurt her like the sociopathic woman she’s not even friends with but doesn’t have a spine to stand up for herself and I am the one who has to make sacrifices.

like I said before I hope I slip on black ice and break my femur and die in the damned snow.
I guess because she was abused as a child she has the right to hold me down?

Nomore, why is someone telling you that you have to walk to work?

I'm not getting why your finance's mother is allowed to/enabled to/privileged to tell you how to run your life.

Please take care of yourself. Tell your SO to deal with his parent.

So she gets angry? So what?

It’s not my mother it’s my fiancé’s mother. I’m the one who has put off marriage because of her.

so we’re supposed to have snow, ice, nearly no visibility and yet she still insists that I have to walk to work, 2 miles in the snow and ice and nearly no visibility. She needs her shower. She was worrying about how to wash her face because she had a biopsy done 4 months ago that has healed up well. Afraid to get water and soap near it. And pouted when I reminded her that we WILL have children one day. I don’t have any insurance and make too much for Medicaid, so if I get hurt walking around the hills two miles I’m going to give her a dose of her own medicine—I’m gonna cry and wail and make her feel as bad as she makes me feel. She’s only 53, and she’s more helpless than a toddler! She refuses to watch the news and insists that the weather forecaster is wrong, she said she would be angry if I call anytime before 11 am when she gets up. Well I guess she’s going to get a call tomorrow and I will cry bloody murder about my right hip which hurts as it is but I don’t matter.

TG you need to have dinners like we used to have at my house - everyone filled their plates and disappeared, no need for conversation and no awkward silences🤣

dad came home from his trip to mexico, called me from the airport trying to get me to go clear his car from the snow at the bus depot. of course i said i was out for the day. the weather melted his snow but i didnt tell him that. just love the gall of him having meo t drop what i am doing to tend to his needs. he needs help with everything but lo and behold he can go to mexico on 2 days notice he can clear his own car, i was at the bus station a couple days ago to drop off my daughter and check his car anyway but didnt let on.
of course he got sunburn and had blisters due to not applying sunscreen. no sympathy from me.
dinners are silent really uncomfortable. now i have to try to come up with topics to talk about. not sure what the problem with me is. Too many people to care about now with one daughter out of work and having to help with finance. there goes my vacation fund. Everyone gets to go on vacation but not me.
i have to stay put and be sure my house is in one piece. Getting frustrated.
planned a big vacation for our anniversary but now looks like it will not happen..... the perils of caring for a parent and children....

And, so do we, Gershun

Well I'm here. Was just brushing and flossing and think it's time for the dentist. I noticed what looks like a couple of small holes on two of my front incisors. Yikes! I am terrified of going to the dentist and put it off and put it off until something like this happens and I have no choice.

I was having a really sad afternoon and started talking to God. You know how you read that you should not only pray but listen for God's answer? Well I'm sure he said to me today "I love you exactly where you are right now and not just where you think you need to be" That really resonated with me cause so often I think I'm not good enough and have no right to expect certain blessings to come my way.

I truly am in a bad place right now with lack of motivation and just plain old lethargy. But it's good to know my heavenly Father loves me anyways.

Golden, you are right about the flashbacks. Its a reality slap in the face and sometimes I get stuck and its a bad place to be.

Frazz, Stacy , Sharyn, ((HUGS))

Sharyn, thanks again for the tip on robins. You know I listen to these things over and over and the concepts begin to make since and I acutally internalize some things which help me. So true about the 5,4,3,2,1. Wish I could have done it earlier today. Also the procastination thing and how our brain really want the comfort or regular routine. Just as I get older I am so stressed out with the smallest change or new event. Even gettiong my sordid room together. There are times I go full speed ahead and knock stuff out in an hour but most days I am like I will do it next week and so on. So its truth and it helps. Then I tag on to others that pop up or are similar. But she got to core of a lot of things. Thanks again.

Golden, glad you are feeling better, got things done and found a doctor right down the street! in a mall! you can sign in and if its busy widow shop the wait away!

Rays of love and light to everyone!! Be strong and smile. Oh the smile thing really works. Whenever I am down, I smile and get it back and it make it better.

Glad, your advice -turn off my brain- was right on point. I will expand later. Is your picture of an eclipse. I have never acutally seen one but looking its awesome and I see why they say to wear protective lenses. The universe is so awesome. Great deal on the stools. good luck with light for vanity it can be found !.....:) Oh and when I was driving I would pick up some nice pieces of furniture if i could use. A friend lives in NJ and practically furnished her back yard from furnishings she found while riding around. Nice expensive stuff too. Some folk have it like that. I got some nice kittchen chair, conservative, wood, thick cushions and sturdy for 20bucks about two months ago.My mother spenta lot on her dinning set but after 30 years it fell a part. But the table we had 50 years ago just went out. I tend to ramble on and on about one thing. Even when I was young every now and then and honest friend would say "just get to the point"

Ali, I read about weight gain. Girl!! check it. Its hard to get off and more wear and tear on the body. I am at about 174 now. 5'6.5 inches. Awhile back before I moved in my mother's years ago I was almost 200 pounds. It built up slowly, I love to eat for one things, suddenly got into cake and sweets, daughter in law does a bad a^^s carrot cake any kind of cake for that matter. Anyways, I could barely walk up stairs being short of breath, aches and pains in knees and legs was tripled. I just thought about that this week in doctors office. I still get short some days and some days its like mountain climbing walking up subway steps. I am notiicng the stomach getting a little bigger and pants a lil tighter so my radar is up!

Beth stick to your guns. Must have been very painful at some point as that sore progressed. It takes time but it comes back. I have seen craters where a buttock was. Slowly and with good care. He is scared. lucky to have you.

So well. I had another blow out with sister before I left for work and as I rode on the train and calmed down the same words Glad, said in post few days back are exactly what I came to.

Only this time I could not restrain my self from blowing up. My mother was not downstairs when I fixed her food before I left. So I took it up to her, usually in back room on top floor. My sister is usually in her room in front with the door lociked./ Well I called out and my mother was there so i went to door to give her the food my sister closes door tells me dont come in my room. dont come on my floor take it down she will get it. I freaking almost lost it. Why couldnt she just take the dang plate and give it to my mother. So as we screamed at each other she send my mother out and downstairs with the food. Then with the outburst I learned of all her delusions about me and that what is most disturbing because some of her words echo stuff my mother would say. the crazy. Also that living room was a mess. Like I have said my mom goes bolistic sometimes so there were crackersand papers and twisted sshiysta going on down there. I have been on strike in the living room. It just does something to me sometimes and I have to step back. THe clinger is that my sister is to lazy and trifling to do anything and really doesnt even care. But uses some delusion she makes up in her mind to make me the cause therefore an excuse not to do shisyta. So that took me to higher frustration to hear her actually say I am buying my mothers pastries and cakes and she is not cleaning it up. Then she brings up the meals saying I would leave them on the door. (for four years lying) and everybody knows it. so im like well did you feed her or just leave them there. The truth is I would get them just like now when I wake up to go to work. But the twisted wrongness and sickness tares at my heart especially having experience same type of blame and reasaoning from my mother as I clean her bathroom and halls and house. Telling me she tird of cleaning up behind me/.

Heart, Good to see you! Next door, I wonder if they even have it out here. I hate signing up on all these websites and getting bombarded with junk email. I swear, I could spend all day going through email!

Hello, Heart! *waves* How are things with you? I hope you're well. Hugs.

Nice deal, Glad. I love it when that happens like that once in awhile -- clearance item and discount for opening credit card or something. Feels good to get something worthwhile, like furniture, so cheaply.

Golden, I should diet some to slow down my weight gain but I don't want to right now. I'm thankful that you post about this reality of life because... I'm realizing that it will be easier to deal with the few extra pounds now, rather than to try to deal with it later if I keep gaining. Hm. I hope you're feeling decent and staying warm.

The weather here is bad this coming week, snow and VERY cold temps. I may take days off. I appreciate the income but there's not much point in going in when it's VERY cold out, because then not many customers are coming in, either. My job is very direct supply and demand in some ways right now.

Nice to read posts from others: Sharyn, Stacey, Duck, Fraz, Gershun... sorry if I'm forgetting anyone else by name... And welcome new posters on this thread.