The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Thanks gladimhere ~ I will be 70 this year. I was laid off at age 59. I do my best to make it from SS and Pension checks to the next ones. After layoff and before SS I used all my savings that was supposed to be for now. It is hard not to be resentful but with the help of support groups and therapy I have learned to let that go. Yesterday when I went shopping for Mother I got a few things for myself like paper goods and some pet food and litter. I will be expected to pay this back when Pension comes in tomorrow. Just as an aside, my Mother is VERY well off. Now and then she tosses me a bone. I don't mean to sound ungrateful but it is hard to see her freezer full and shelves packed while I go to a food pantry each week. I have had "the talk" so many times and gotten nowhere. I have siblings but they are not able to assist with care or financial help. My faith and finding that little miracle in each day gets me through. Even better, now I have found this place of companion travelers. Thank you!

I hope this year brings loads of blessings, happiness, peace, prosterity, love, wisdom and understanding to you all.

(((((((HUGS)))))))

Jade, you will find, if not solace, comfort in knowing that you are not alone in your struggles with caregiving. The most important thing to remember is that you need to find a way, some time, to care for you too! Do something that you enjoy tomorrow!

I was laid off in 2009 as well, I have been back to work for the past two years, after four years of 24/7 caring for my mom with AD and her hubby, general age related decline. Mom passed a year and a half ago after being in a facility for just over two years.

Hello All ~ Happy New Year! I have been reading this thread and finding that I am not alone. So many things to identify with. I am caring for my 91 year old Mother. Before that I cared for my Dad for about 2 years in the Nursing Home where he passed from end stage dementia. We finally sold the house and have moved her to Independent Senior Living. I go over there about three times a week and basically handle all her business and other needs. I am suffering from Caregiver Burnout. Before my Dad I also cared for a couple of elderly Aunt's. I was "retired" in 2009 due to a layoff and have not had any time for a real retirement yet. To add to my situation my friend of 35 years is in end stage cancer. I go there twice a week also. Yesterday I called my Mother and said I needed to stay home. The guilt is overwhelming. Also I do not get any money or help from Mother for doing this. I cannot work because of the nature of caregiving. I hope to begin volunteering at a Day Care Center soon. Thank you all for welcoming me I hope to find solace here. Best wishes and again Happy New Year may we all find peace in the year ahead.

Frazzled, happy that Christmas was relatively uneventful, less drama, separation anxiety I think is very common.

Golden, a house? What about a patio home? smaller property, exterior maintenance covered by HOA dues. If we had such a thing here, I would have bought that.

Sharyn, what a pain, CenturyLink down for a couple of days?! Absurd! My first thought was Russians!

Duck, sounds like you are doing well and beginning to realize your limitations.

Emotionally numb, we all get there, we all reach a limit to what we can do and that is OK!

Ali, where are you? Probably out on NYE, you youngster you!

Me I am staying in, still fighting this bug and it is nasty. Wish I could just get my ears to stay clear. It drives me nutty. And it has been very cold an windy today. Hey where is WindyRidge? Getting below zero tonight, with chill factor estimated at -20. BRRR! Stay in safe and warm with a warm kitty on my lap.

How do they have new year celebrations, fireworks, etc on a cold night like this? Not for me any more. There was a time when I enjoyed NYE, about 15 years ago, now? Just not interested any longer. Here is to a happier new year for all.

I lost a box of food, soups, tea, and kitchen stuff. It must be here somewhere.

Golden- glad you are sleeping better and seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. You deserve much happiness, you did the caregiving thing for a long, long time.

The place you describe doesn't sound crazy to me, it sounds really nice, especially having the window overlooking a garden. I know what you mean too about needing the space. Condos can make you feel claustrophobic if they're too small or cramped.

EmotionallyNumb, it does sound like you're overwhelmed. It's okay to have a good cry. I hate crying too, but sometimes you just have to let it all out.

You might have to put your foot down and tell your mom some of the stuff is going to have to be donated to charity, as you don't have time to mess with trying to sell it. It's okay too to set limits and say no in order to take care of you. Your feelings matter too.

DDDuck, I'm glad you are feeling a little better despite the struggled with your mom. At least you have some peace now with it all. You just do what you can do, and it sounds like you are doing your best.

I'm staying in tonight. Have gotten a little work done today, but haven't gone much of anywhere except to run errands. I think I'll be lucky to make it till midnight without falling asleep.

I'm looking forward to the New Year, just hoping it's not as chaotic as 2018 has been. Hoping for a little bit smoother sailing.

Christmas was okay too. Went to eat with mom and spend some time with her for a bit before coming back home and finishing our presents and just relaxing. I feel bad sometimes because it seems like mom gets more upset when I or we (hubs and the kids) visit than if I stay away for a week or two. She still cries to come home with me, and I'm still trying to encourage her to get out and go play bingo and participate in the activities there like she did before. It just seems like she has severe separation anxiety, even if she just saw me the day before. Like when it's time for me to leave, she cries and throws a fit. But the times when I've gone a week or more without going up there, it seems like there is less drama. I don't know what that is about, other than maybe my visits are a reminder that she can't come home with me, that the place there is now her home, which she still struggles to accept, or maybe they are a disruption even though she says she wants the visits. I hope she will gradually be more accepting this coming year and that there will be less drama.

Wishing everyone here a happy New Year as well. Don't know how I would've made it through 2018 without the support I've found here. Cheers to a hopeful 2019!

sharyn - hope you have wifi back by now. In any case. I hope you had a great Christmas with the grands.

jade -welcome! Peace to you too. I think you will find much understanding here.

glad - it seems close to a crisis point. I am glad the law-makers are looking at it. Caregivers have their personal crises even if they do not abandon their charges, and they need help too. The abandoned ones are just the tip of the iceberg.

Lorraine -we see that here time and again and, I don't think there is anything anyone can do if the person in question is still assessed as competent. Adults make their own good and bad decisions. It doesn't seem right when the adult is seems to us to be compromised. I read your profile and am sorry that your dad is taking his anger out on you and your bro is as he is. I know that one. My sis reveled in getting me in trouble with our mother. Yet, I was the care giver. Take care of you.

duck - glad your Christmas was smooth. Realistic expectations are so important.

emotionallynumb - you sound burnt out. Is there anyway you can find someone to give you a break? We can't please all of the people all of the time. That is a truth and not being able to does not make you a bad person. You need to look after yourself. A full time job and care giving is too much. If you could fill in your profile a bit it would help. Does mum have a dementia, is she ill in any way? No matter what mum wants, you have to also consider what you want, and what is good or not good for you. There comes a time to set some limits on the demands that others make on us.

Hoping 2019 is a better year for everyone. I am sleeping better, in general and feeling stronger. Yay!!! I have given myself a break from executor duties and that feels good. I can see a tiny light at the end of the tunnel of a life where I am able to deal with my stuff, and my stuff only. I am looking forward to it.

I have been rethinking the condo idea as I think I would feel boxed in. My thoughts about it have changed since mother passed. I feel much freer. I do want a kitchen window that looks outside on a garden, I want stairs (they keep me healthier), I want a wood burning fireplace. and I want SPACE to walk around in. However, I know it is not good to make decisions right after a major event in one's life. I will go south and look at a place I saw in the net and see if it feels right. It is about the same vintage as this one, split level, fireplace, lots of windows and mature landscaping. One step at a time. If you want to tell me I am crazy, feel free, I kinda think I am too, but I can hire people to do the house/maintenance work and I don't plan on having as much furniture in it as I do here.

My grocery order arrived so I have smoked oysters and other goodies for tonight and my bean soup is ready. It works well in the cold weather. Hope everyone is surviving the season and the weather reasonably well. Minus 9 feels like minus 25 here today, but better the next few days. Take care all.

I'm listening to her cry right now and I'm so tired. I'm glad the holidays are almost over as they were really stressful and I started crying right before our family one because I had a lot to do and I didn't want to disappoint anyone. My mom really wanted to have everyone get together for the holiday and so I had to contact some siblings that I hadn't talked to in a long time and ask them to come.

I really try to be happy most of the time and not add to other people's stress. I don't usually hold onto things or dwell on the bad things around me, I can go years without crying. I am beaten down right now and will need a good cry tonight.

She has stopped crying now and is talking about how hard it is for her to do things. She does try sometimes but then sometimes she gives up for a couple weeks. I'd love to throw about two rooms full of stuff out but she wants me to try and sell it first. I don't have the energy for that, I work full time and take care of her, I just don't want to and would just like it gone. Always something she wants me to do, that's how I feel. Like everything is on me, everything to do with her anyways. Like doctor appointments, my sister took her to one appointment and developed some 'sympathy' symptoms afterwards and is now afraid to take her to anymore. She has the choice to say no, I don't.

Soooo, my Christmas went was smooth. I guess it was part becuase my expectations were realistic. Its funny but I felt so much better when I cam home the day after and saw my mother had been bathed. I had just finished discussing with my son how I had to find someone strong and sensible to help me get her in a bath and change clothes and wash her hair. And I get home and wala!!!

She is still eating poorly. So one morning I was prepared to wait on meals delivery and cook and go do laundry. I had my laundry all packed and decided to just take my things and get dressed downstairs instead of walking back up the two flights. So I swept and did damage control and when I go take shower my mother had confiscated my bag. It was a real struggle to get it from her and I had to be a tad forceful. I was so frustrated. Then as she was fussing at me telling me how stupid I was and fussing that I just stomped in there and did this and that, just hearing the same old themes when she refers to me, still hurt. I was so worn out from getting my bag because it was a long process that I didnt feel up to changing her linen as I had planned.

When I came back I brushed oiled and braided her hair. She would not let me wash it.
Then she is doing more crazy stuff. Today as I left I saw she had pulled a full shopping cart up a flight and was obviously exhausted. Then what if she tries to take it back down and fall?.

So, as hard as it is sometimes. I just step back and leave stuff alone. Sometimes I feel her lack of care and honor and quality of life is her karma. That she deserves my sister and that the best I can do is try to keep her fed and eating and her surroundings clean. That in it self is hard. because she just doesnt even want to eat because she is buzzing around going through every corner, cabinet, packing stuff including food and milk. It gets very tiresome opining these bags and finding old food, old juice or just plain searching out the source of a foul odor. Meanwhile every week I throw out at least two trash bags of the papers and junk. I dont know where she keeps finding theis stuff. Other than that she seems to be more aware about our routine. She knows when I come down I am going to cook and clean and she starts buzzing trying to be helpful but I cannot lead her to do something like sweep. She just wont do anything i ask its just natural. the way its always been.

I am so grateful to be in a good place. I had found myself spiraling into a depression and a bad, sad place. Thinking and thinking. So I am checking out this self awakening stuff on utube and see what it does.

So have a lovely, safe, beautiful New Year and holiday season eveyone.

Rays of love and peace.

She

Golden, I have not caught up and I am just on this page. I was very moved by your post. Your advice is golden, thank you, thank you, thank you. Because your advise always strikes a cord and is is so applicable and great guidance.

Jade, you are in the right place, among people who have or had hurting hearts, survivors with wisdom and understanding. You will get a wealth of help, understanding and perspective. Keep posting and welcome aboard!!!!!

Still trying to wrap it around my head what i was told by the social worker " your father has the right to make bad decisions".

Check out this 9News Special, Stranded. If the link disappears, google it.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=tZLl673jSko

Jadestar, welcome. Lots of open ears and understanding here.

I am new here and am very grateful for this group. I hope to find peace and understanding here. Happy Holidays to all

Our WiFi is out nation wide, using my data. I hope everyone is well. Hopefully our WiFi will be back up in a couple days.

(((((Gershun)))))) well, at least you set some boundaries by arriving late and leaving early. Good for you. What you need to process is not what happened there but how you are feeling. Feel the feelings, cry the tears if you need to, write out what you wanted to say, share how awful it was, then, when you are ready, take a deep breath, dry your eyes, have a nice cup of tea and maybe go for a walk to get rid of the cobwebs. Works for me anyway. They will never be the family you want and need. Build relationships with others that are supportive to you. The yucky feelings following yet another disappointment can be motivation for change. Today is the beginning of the rest of your life.

glad - special gluten free,dairy free crackers, There is so much more on the market now than when I first went GFDF. For a while I had given up on crackers. These are a Sesmark Ancient grains, sea salt crackers made with quinoa, amaranth, millet and sorghum. Very tasty with hummus,liverwurst, smoked salmon etc. I can make a meal out of canapes. Hope you are getting over that bug.

blackhole - yes, nurture yourself -good advice. It is a special kind of exhaustion. I saw your post on your mil and expectations, Oh my. That's pretty bad, but, I am afraid, fairly typical these days. I feel badly for your mil. I hope you had a nice time with her anyway

Beautiful sunny winter day here. Everything is covered in fresh snow, Do I want to go out in it? Not really. Looking at it is fine. The shower is fixed and I have new thermostats installed. The guy said that one I had was ancient. The new ones are digital and keep the temp much steadier. I was running back and forth to the old one adjusting it all the time. To day is one more day to slack off then I have things to do tomorrow.. I didn't over eat, over spend or over socialize, so no hangovers of any kind. Feels good. It's another way of looking after me.

Gershun - It’s a special kind of exhaustion, isn’t it? Take it easy today. Nurture yourself.

Golden, special crackers?

Golden, thx for asking. So we went to sister's. Last to arrive, first to leave. There were seventeen people there. Not all of them family. I have not processed the evening yet and may just not even bother trying to. When you have your antenna up like I do when I'm around family it's next to impossible to accurately process things anyway. I do feel my usual after Christmas depression beginning though. Par for the course unfortunately.

Send - that sounded scary

Linda - hope your day worked out well. Nice to bake cookies with dd.

susan - hope there were no outbursts and your time with dad went well.

heart - good to see you back, Hope you have a decent holiday season,

glad - Dinner with tw2 went well? That's an improvement! Hope she gets her executor duties in order. There was some denial within your family about your mum I guess . Do hope you feel better soon.

maxine - so sorry about your sis abusing your dad. Horrible. Is there anything you can do about it?

trying - good to see you back too. Thank you. It was her time. She was more than ready to go.

stacey - sounds like you are having a great time this year and you deserve it. Yes it is break time -a nice quiet break!

duck - the twisted sister games continue. The only thing is to not play. Thank you -I have grieved mother for so long I am not feeling much different now.

blackhole - cocktail and Christmas tree sound cosy.

sharyn -trust you had a great time with family and that the boys really had fun.

cmag - best wishes to you too.

girlsaylor - I hear you about it being two ways and not doing obligatory stuff. I keep it pretty simple too.

fraz - baking - did that years ago. The kids and I used to decorate sugar cookies. So glad you heard from your dd. It's a start. Baby steps!!!. Hope the time with your mum went well. I have been doing the relax thing all day and enjoyed it. Love and hugs back to you.

Gershun -wanting to know if you went to family this year and how your Christmas was whatever you did.

ali -I don't know how you did it either, but it wasn't good for you. I am glad some relatives "got it". and you are having a peaceful time this year. You have earned it.

Had a very peaceful and enjoyable day, I texted with the kids and R. Last night my ex connected and we had a good chat. Heard from a girlfriend that her hub- who has the spinal deterioration is in hospital having surgery on a blocked carotid. Their health has fallen apart this year - they are 75 and 78. Makes me very thankful for my health, though the CFS and FM are limiting etc, neither are life threatening. My highlights were getting my special crackers delivered by Walmart yesterday, and watching the Goonies today. I'm easy to please. I had a great fire on all day, watched Christmas music programs, and ate much as usual. I will do the salmon tomorrow, Dd is pretty tired with her dd's issues and didn't get much sleep so I will visit another day.

Sending love, hugs and prayers to all. Be good to you.

I am not caught up but just read this page.

Glad, I sure hope you feel better, plenty of fluids, lots of vit c.

Ali, its beautiful to talk with reasonable people. Glad you are in a good place.

Golden, Fireplace, oh how lovely, I could put my tree by the side and sit there and watch the fire too. I am glad for you having a smooth day, I would go and share the joy if I was up to. Get out and share some love. You can always come back to your cozy. At least you have a cozy. :)

((((Hugs)))) and love to you all. I really love you guys. Just trying to catch up is so uplifting at times. Especially when its good news and positive, all of it makes me feel connected to something good.!!!!!

Sleep Tight, Rest easy, I am out.

I

Ho HO HOOOO!!!!!! Merry Chistmas,

Truth be told this is never a good time for me and I find myself in tears sometimes just because I saw an exhibition of love in a family or friendship. Then I think of Sham and her children and I cried for joy about the baby.

But deep down I am so grateful to God to let me see who and what my family was and that I have moved up a level from crying for what I thought was love and family.

I did mention about the tree, and the movement. Then when I got home I found the microwave on the floor. I took the tree upstairs and deep down I knew not to feel guilty that, guilt is one of the holds or weapons my sister use on me because I have always been blamed.

Anyways I felt so good when I left out. I came in this morning and nothing was out for my mother not even the hard bread, bannana and crackers that I have to pick up and throw out mushed in a cup. I was thinking hey she is off let her be responsible knowing it wouldnt happen. So I bought a danish heated it up and gave her some apple juice, when I came in. As I was doing this my twisted comes down walk right out then steps back as an afterthought to tell myh mother she would be right back. I figure she is going to mcD's. I have a threshold for sleep so if I am not sleep by about 11 its a wrap. so I go upstairs and watch my new fav. series (medici family excellent) till I dose. Sometimes it seems I have been out a long time and its only 45mins. So I go down and check seeing no sign that anyone came or left. no MCD or antything. I encourage my mother to finish the danish and give her a breakfast bar and go back up to try and sleep. I may have dosed two hours and just said get up try and spend more time to get her to eat before I go to work. I also went back up to get phone to record this because its getting crucial If my mother keeps this poor appetite. So I heat two meals and follow her around trying to feed her. Sometimes she sits and fumbles with stuff and its easier. Sometimes she eats and sometimes like today its frustraiting because I follow her around as she dig in bags, fridge shopping carts where ever her mind leads her. Finally I gave up and went to shower, I heard my nephew come in but of course I didnt see him. I go up get dressed hear foots steps up and down my sister is over me. When I come down theymy moter asks if that is me coming, They are spead out on sofabed, the one I change and clean linens, with toy cars and trucks, I guess for my oldest nephew sonb who has out grown those things. But I alwayts ask him how he is and if he remember my mother. He says he is going to bring him by one day. my mother is in rocking chair I kiss her and tell her I will see her in the morning. She follows me out asking where I am going and how and when,,,, I tell her to go back in with her "company". I was pissed that I had swept and did damage control. As I set trash bags out she was at the window calling for me. I think sometimes my mother knows what she has done to the family and to me as well.
Well the bottom line is I am glad I took my cornyassed tree upstairs and pissed that I swept and went around dumping stuff in garbage. I am so greatful for whatever spirit hit me and said just take the tree out. You didnt get it to start nonsense. Well that was the HO HO HO in my merry christmas.

It seemed childish but everything does to me when it comes to reacting to my sisters spirit and that I think gives her the go ahead to continue. Sometimes I can hardly walk. I am tired, I am stressed, burnt out. Its like I am a sitting DDDUck for her and her sickness. Drawing the line with someone who is sick is like digging a hole for myself. She has no boundaries and is very skillull in the art or lying and manipulation. A beautiful liar, manginificent painter of delusions. I am out of my league with her and its frustrating and sometimes I cant help myself, I feel I have to respond. So childish as it was, I left a gold ball in the place. :D

Decided to go to ER for a flu swab. I feel just so awful! The swab came back negative, but the doc said that could happen, She started me on TamiFlu anyway. Took first one at the ER, yes it was an expensive visit, but I felt horrible.

Feeling a bit better now. Maybe the TamiFlu kicking in, or maybe the Prednisone to help clear out my lungs and my stuffy head. Have not been to an ER if many years for myself.

Ali - Very glad to hear that some other family members perceive what you perceive. A little bit of validation can make all the difference.

Merry Christmas, all. I'm at older bros and it's been such a peaceful year interacting with various relatives.

I've been able to talk openly with a few relatives about different dysfunctional people and patterns and it feels good to both be heard and I feel like they're all generally more understanding now about the behaviors that drive me away. It feels good that it's not just me that sees controlling, narcissistic behaviors in some of my relatives. I used to feel that I was the ONLY ONE who had any problem with several relatives who manipulate, or act hateful, etc.

I'm not naive enough to think family get togethers will be without some interesting dynamics... but this year has been a nice time. I spent very short time around my dad and I know that helped me to feel more at ease.

I don't know how I was EVER his live in caregiver. That just cannot have been good for me emotionally. I'm very glad that's over. Whew.

Merry Christmas, everyone, and wishes for a great new Year!

Just finished watching a hilarious senior version of "The 12 Days of Christmas" The first line was 'On the 1st day of Christmas my true love gave to me a membership for AARP." The rest followed suit and was on the University of Mobile Christmas tv program. Worth watching, Lots of funny sidelines. One singer/actor wandered off to the comment "He has digestive issues". Lol. I can relate.

Nothing traditional about my Christmas except I have a fire in the fireplace. I will probably bake salmon later. DD invited me over for a visit and a cup of tea. Her hub just got a job after being out of work for a while and he is working today so she is doing nothing special. Haven't decided if I will go yet.

I'll get back to all the posts later. Just wanted to say "Hi."

Have a restful day today, exactly what you need and desire. Merry Christmas, YOUR way.

I have been staying with DD1 since Friday. Christmas all done for me. The time with my kids was fun. I am driving home this morning. Wish I could just stay in bed at home. Caught DD1's cold. Just do no feel good and not too enthusiastic this morning.

Had dinner at ts2's yesterday. It was ok, I just didn't want to go. But she and I had a long overdue chat. Twisteds and auntie dearest just did not understand how sick mom was. And the summary of the trust is incorrect. She is so busy all the time. How do people live that way? Much rather be my homebody self.

Merry Christmas to all my friends on Agingcare.

Just got my baking done, finally. Decided to make a Millionaire pie and try a new recipe for Coconut Pecan German Chocolate pie (I'd be afraid to know how many calories is in either one lol), so we'll see tomorrow if they are any good. Made some sugar cookies for the kids for a treat this evening.

Oh, also heard from my estranged 20 year old daughter earlier. We chatted for awhile, mainly small talk, but I was glad to hear from her and that she sounded like she was in a good frame of mind. Our relationship is best described as "it's complicated" but I always love and pray for her as my daughter. Had gotten her a couple of gifts from us and sent them in the mail just to say we love her and Merry Christmas, so she was calling to say thank you and we got to talking. I don't want to get my hopes up too much, given our history, but I'm really grateful anyway.

Planning on going to eat with mom and spend some time up there with her tomorrow, then come back and finish doing our gifts here and just relax and watch Christmas movies in my comfortable clothes (read: stretchy yoga pants). That's the plan, anyway, as much as planning is possible these days...love and hugs to you all, and wishing all a very Merry Christmas!