The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Yup, some have been donated. She wants to keep the "special" fabrics. But in storage for four years?! Guess maybe they will not sell, she must not be trying too hard.

That might be it. The fabrics should be sold as part of the estate - right?

She said they have now moved the fabrics to an indoor storage that is much cheaper. Maybe ts2's home and now she is charging the estate for if? I put nothing past her.

Oh gosh. A consultation might be worth it. Is she still paying $500+/month for fabric storage? That's dreadful.

Have not responded yet. Trying to figure out what to say and do. Maybe get a free 30 minute consult. Though I am not the least bit surprised by this. Almost expected. I do not want to do this again.

And she paid $500.00+ a month for storage of fabric for four years now. Just UGH!

Oh glad, that is terrible. She really is a case. She hasn't been executor for years!!!

UGH! Now, here we go again. TS2 thinks she can charge the estate for years as executor. Does she not even know that it has been 1.5 years? Does she not know that being POA she would have had to submit expenses before now? Or does she? The state limits the amount that the executor can charge the estate. No documentation?

She said " There will be deductions for the hours I put in over the years for executor."

Maybe I should submit a bill since expense before mom's death still seem to be open for collection. Gosh, I hate this!

I sympathize about the Christmas drama. I have come to realize that a lot of it is my own thoughts towards my family. I've always seethed with resentment over the little dis I get from sis every year. We all pile in the doorway, she greets every one but me and then I get the "Oh, I didn't see you back there" Uh, hello, I'm 5' 9", used to be 5' 10'. Not sure how she could miss me. I know it's her way of putting me in my place. Her way of saying, I'm not very noticeable. That usually gets me pissed off and then everything has a way of snowballing after that.

But one thing I've learned finally after many, many sucky Christmases is if I lower my expectations really, really low, I can tolerate it. I sure miss my Mom and my late brother though. She was my angel and he was my partner in crime. We used to sit together and have good laughs under our breaths. The anniversary of his death is tomorrow actually. Ah, my dear, dear brother.

Golden, sorry you are having problems with F M. I hope you can still make it to your Mom's review.

cwillie - Western Canada has lost Greyhound altogether. "Greyhound Canada is ending its passenger bus and freight services in Alberta, Saskatchewan and Manitoba, and cancelling all but one route in B.C. — a U.S.-run service between Vancouver and Seattle."

New businesses are scrambling to take over. The issue seems to be financial (declining ridership) so who knows if the new ones will survive. Thankfully travelling by bus works pretty well here even in the worst weather.

Greyhound service has changed here in Ontario too Golden, when I checked online about schedules I was dismayed to see only two buses each day on what was a busy corridor, and the times are very inconvenient. I hope you improve enough to attend the meeting and check over your mother - travel is only going to get worse over the next few months (which you know better than I).

Next Wednesday is mother's annual case meeting and I had planned to go down and be there and see her awake. But, I am having a major FM flareup and am not sure I can go, I am really torn two ways about it. I do want to see her and be there at the meeting. However, if I don't get better pretty soon, I don't think I can do it - too much fatigue, stiffness, and pain. I was doing so well with the FM until this week. I will adjust my diet back to where it was (more green tea and cruciferous veggies) hoping that will help. Meanwhile my only recourse is painkillers and anti-inflammatories.

To complicate life further, the greyhound bus service here has terminated. I took a new alternative last time. It was convenient and I planned on using it, but found out yesterday that it didn't last long and has now been replaced by yet another bus line which has terminals in very inconvenient places. So I will fall back on the "luxury" bus, Red Arrow, which, when combined with taxis, gives me the best service, if a little expensive.

The next couple of days I will hobble around and get packed so I am ready, and make my final decision Monday, the day I planned to travel,. Flare ups can go as fast as they come.

If I can't make it, they will include me by telephone, which works though is not the best. Oh well, this too will pass - hopefully soon.

fraz - what got me was the your visitors came uninvited, inconvenienced your family, created drama, got offended, then ended up being begged to stay with you. WT*!!! I am glad the kids, and the adults, to a degree, had a good time, but...The bed bugs were just the icing on this cake which, IMO should never have been baked. Now they know they can come uninvited, and you guys will bend over backwards to accommodate them. Hope you have no more bed bugs and no more visits of this kind.

tambra - my condolences in the loss of your sis. Come and vent any time and please look after your BP. Is it time to look for other arrangements for your mum and dad? It sounds like it is very hard on you. Glad you had fun with your kids and grandkids. I know that helped.

duck -sorry to hear about your cousin. It sounds like she is quite ill. So glad you had a good thanksgiving.

needhope - it sure helps knowing we are not alone, Re the cheesecake, it was frozen in the first place and on the package said not to refreeze. I really didn't need any more!!!

tg - happy for you that you got a break and also understanding from your sis.. WooHoo!!! And that you are planning arrangements so you can have more breaks. That is great. Selfish - not at all. You just want your life back which is very normal and healthy.

cmag - good points. I identify. There was no positive feedback from mother - just the storm or the "calm" before the storm when you could see the storm was building. Staying in a hotel when visiting difficult relatives is a great idea -only way to go for me.

ali - it takes a lot of work to overcome the negative tapes -a life time. Saw somewhere you have a new room mate, I do hope it works out very well for both of you.

Kimber - oh dear, that brought back memories of Christmases (and other important occasions) past. Doing the undo-able, setting boundaries, getting scathing letters, and the "poor me" story. Once I cut mother off for a year. It was a good year. So happy for you that your stepmom is in your life. But your in laws - aaargh -another set of narcissists. They can demand all they like. The answer is still "No!" So glad you take your holidays and trips when you want to with a clear conscience

Linda - wise words

blackhole - I am so grateful too for the "normal" (non-parent) adults in the life as I was growing up. Girl friend's mums, friends of my parents, even aunts and uncles.

Kimber - Big hugs! You are doing and saying all the right things RE your mom. Hubby is managing his parents equally well. 👍🏼

I truly believe there is a special place in h*ll for Holiday Harpies who fixate on “the day.” If your love and your kind gestures don’t count on the other 364 days of the year, it says more about your critics than it does about you. Stand firm and create meaningful traditions for your core household.

Your stepmom mom is a ray of light in all the weirdness. Continue to cherish her. (Not that you wouldn’t!)

As I was growing up and growing out, there were a handful of non-blood adults in my life who showed me how adults should really act. I am forever grateful to them.

Hang in there, Kimber. Find your joy wherever you can. Open your heart to the good moments, good songs and good sights in December. 🧡

Linda -  my stepmom came into my life when I was about 30 and she has been more nurturing to me than my own mom. I have to filter what I share with my mom - I can never have any worries or problems but always be the one who is doing OK. With my stepmom and I can talk and it always stays just with us. She only offers advice when asked - then it is damn good advice. She was a young mom under 30 with three boys when her 1st husband died of cancer - diagnosis to death 3 months. She had to support them all. She ran a day care for 30 years and her "kids" so loved her that she got invited to graduations and weddings and baby showers etc.  She is someone I can totally be myself with and she always takes the emotion out of a situation before addressing - so she is extremely helpful. God bless stepmoms because they usually come into a messy situation.

If visiting relatives comprimizes your mental health over the holidays, then don't visit them or at least stay in a hotel so you can get away.

Kimber, I wish we could bookmark posts for reference, because your post would be so helpful to someone trying to learn how to set boundaries and keep them. I know this is frustrating and tiring to have to deal with this drama on both sides, but you are doing a terrific job disengaging, protecting your own family and doing it with respect to boot. Your stepmom gave your dad very wise advice and it paid off well for them. BTW, from stepmoms everywhere, thank you for cherishing your bonus parent and nurturing that relationship.

Holiday time - time for dysfunction levels to ratched up. EVERY year we get the guilt-tripping because we will drive the six hours to visit my mom BEFORE or AFTER Christmas Day but NOT ON the day itself. Our young son loves opening presents, then Christmas Day Mass, then board games, and snowy walks vs sitting in a car all day for a three hour visit. Yesterday I got the "I might as well just die now" to which I said nothing - just let her vent, finally "I love you, gotta go" and was accused of being unfeeling. I am  unfeeling - this happens every year and has been for eight years. When my son was two, we were driving the long drive back during a snow storm - he was squalling in the back, my husband and I were sniping and each other and we decided - no more. Christmas needs to mean more than sitting in a car. I am so used to it that I have a hard time caring. She refuses to see us this year on any day but Dec 25th and vents that she will spend Christmas Day all alone, as usual. Makes me want to hibernate until January 2.

Also, my dad died about a month ago, so my mom is insisting that I no longer need to see my stepmom (who I adore and has been with our family nearly 30 years - met dad years after the divorce). I don't lie to my mom - I told her that stepmom was planning a get together with my stepbrothers and family on the 15th and that we would be going. Did she want us to stop by and see her since we would be in the same town? Fireworks (crying and yelling) that we would still see stepmom to which I replied "whether we see her or not, that is our business. All you need to tell us is should we see you when we are in town?" to which she told me to F myself. I said "I love you, but you can't talk to me that way. Why don't we speak later" and hung up.

so yesterday got a letter in the mail from my mom - five pages - double sided = ten pages with underlining, capitalization, and exclamation points about what a chitty daughter I am yada yada yada. Well at least she got that off her chest. I'm not going to call her for awhile and just send a card for Christmas. I'm tired of dealing with this - 50 years -

Number 3 - my IN LAWS demand that we come and spend Christmas with them. We both live in areas that have snow and the connecting flight is in an airport that gets snow. We have never flown for Christmas WITHOUT getting stranded due to an issue with one of the three airports and winter. So we just don't travel over Christmas. They brow beat us about it every year and refuse to come our way for the same reasons, but because they are older - we are supposed to suck it up. My husband has said no - we'll come at Easter like we always do. They responded that if we take our annual trip in February to Palm Springs they will be upset. My husband told them that February is not Christmas and has nothing to do with coming for Easter. They hung up on him.

We go through this E V E R Y year. As soon as Thanksgiving is over - we know the next phone call will deal with mom and IN LAWs demands and manipulation. One reason I love my stepmom so much is that my dad also participated in the demands and manipulation and pouting about holidays and who goes where / when and who we are NOT supposed to see. When they started dating she told him to knock it off or he would just drive us away. He actually listened to her and would end a visit with "what time should we wrap up so you can stop by and see your mom" without any manipulation etc.

Anyway - I hope you all enjoy your holidays.

TG, why do you keep doing that to yourself? Calling yourself selfish, even if it was meant to be tongue in cheek, is the internal message that keeps you from moving forward with setting health boundaries in your life.

Dad is coming home after his 2 week vacation. The house has been clean, no issues with cleaning the bathroom floor constantly, the laundry room bathroom door has been open all week with no games of keeping it closed while we are trying to dry clothes. Gates have been down since his dog passed and I can freely move around my house without jumping over baby gates (no baby). The house smells clean. with no old spice doused on to cover non showering and quiet (no cranked up TV with bleeping all day). I guess it all comes to an end. It has been nice to talk with my wife at dinner and not have stories or have what we say blabbed all over town and the country. Oh well....... I guess I have been selfish.....

AliBoBali,

Yes and the book, Running On Empty Overcome Your Childhood Emotional Neglect.

My mom was great at deflating my accomplishments as a child and later on. She would never say good job, I am proud of you. Instead she would always say, don't let this go to your head. Thus, when I accomplish something. I hear that voice in my head and can't get excited about what I did. The same is true when my boys accomplish something.

I am working on this with my therapist.

Cmag, I liked your "new insight" comment. I've long realized that I talk to myself in the type of language and constant criticism that I was used to while growing up. It's strange for me, though, because I'm aware of it but haven't completely stopped doing that. You'd think being aware would be enough to not do something you don't want to do. But... I think that some patterns of behavior are just that ingrained. What it would take to mostly stop the internal dialogue in *that voice* would probably be some cognitive behavioral therapy.

Edit: technology, specifically the wifi at work, is not my friend today. I tried to post this a few times, then just shut the browser window. I see it did post, good. I'm surprised it didn't post a couple of times. lol

TG, THAT is amazing! I'm so happy for you!

Finally had a break through with my sibling.

Dad went to her house for a couple of weeks. Making Thanksgiving dinner he made comments on how her pies were dry and "are you going to take them that way?......., or "Its not like moms pie", or "the stuffing isnt the way mom made it".... as she was searching for the adderall for him or her my nephew and niece were livid at his comments. So I let her vent than told her that is what I deal with all the time. Then we got into some of the other meat of the matter and she kept saying "I never knew that". It was an hour and a half on the phone. We have never talked like that. She actually listened and now knows a little of what I have to deal with. Hopefully we can keep the conversation going. I told her I need a week in April for vacation and 2 weeks this summer so we will corrdinate getting him somewhere.
She has her sister in law to deal with as well (bi-polar) but still this is our problem. Hopefully this will help.

Just wanted to respond to the person who was throwing out the cheese cake... You can freeze it....I eat frozen cheese cake in the summer months it is so good...but anyway if you can freeze it ...it lasts a long time....and it doesn't taste like it was ever frozen...

Thanks for your encouragement DDDuck...appreciate that so much...Big Hug
I feel like I live on an island sometimes .... glad to find out I am not alone in this....
Wishing all of you the gifts of peace and joy and love during the holidays.

Oh its cyber Monday so I am going to see if I can find some deals on the things I need to order. To make my tax situation worse!!!! the job stopped taking out taxes like we are independent contractors. This is horrible and contributes to my demise with the taxes. It looks like extra money. The last agency didn't take out taxes and I had the nerve when filling to say I wanted to pay the medicare tax which I didn't have to do. Thought it would be best in the benefits arena. But it was crazy.

Book, I will be checking out the boogleheads forum thanks!!

I made a lot of mistakes in and with my life, I am trying to correct on them, start a new leaf. So I am keeping hope alive.

Rays of love peace and happiness to all!~! Good night. Sleep Tight.

Greetings! I am not caught up but from what I have read it seems like for the most part the holidays went smooth.

Frazzled, I am also one of those people who like a call before you come unless you are a neighbor. I would always call my mother before I came by just so it wouldnt be a wasted visit.

Thank you all for the advice. I needed it and badly. It grounded me.

I made it through Thanksgiving, in fact had a lovely time at a church with my friend Tony. It was lovely, had some good laugh, a little dancing and lots of love was exchanged by everyone. I was glad I got out, I woke up early after a private party with southern comfort and my casino games. My spirit was moving me to get out and my body was southern comforted. I had a great time. I felt blessed. Felt good to set my mother up with a nice place and see her actually eat good.

Then the next day my ex called and I picked big foil pan full with everything. Everything was delicious home baked bread, pie, the works. I felt really blessed because it felt like the thanksgivings I tried to make only I was on the recieving end.

My mother seems to be more aware of things in some senses but still confused. I started feeling burnt out with her just before thanksgiving. When she doesnt eat I go on a mission to get her eating even if its following her arround as she goes through bags and wandering here and there. Its frustrating.I never know when this will happen an last week I just had to leave so I would be on time for work. meanwhile I am noting no other food being left except the dried toast and crakers my sister leave and that wasnt even there a few days. So I resoloved to stop stressing on this. When she doesnt eat those spoon feeds become crucial to keeping her going and sometimes I just dont have the time and I lose my patience. She needs a home attendant even if its a few days a week. I still have to revamp the bathroom from the work that was done. The sink has never drained properly and my mother always left a mess in it even before the dementia really set in. Then I had the nerve to buy that old tree so I have to get it up. Dang!!!!1

On way to work my first whole christmas song played in store. Noel. It bought tears to my eyes. It is one of the most beautiful times of the year when you havea family that is full of love and happiness. That sharing then getting that lovely snowfall that coats the trees. Just the pristine beauty of the snow. Anyway, although I hated christmas from a child. We always went south to my fathers family house which he bought for his grandmother. His mother died when he was a child but he had 13 or so aunts and uncles. The back porch would be loaded with cakes and pies. Especially that fruit cake which I was lured to eat by those pretty fruits and was sick with headache the next day. Oh it was fun having to go to bed so santa wouldnt throw salt in our eyes and lay there listening to the sounds of adults drinking, playing music and laughing. On the surface it was wonderful.

So anyway, I am still in a good place. Want to get my self together and my space together. Its frustrating.

My cousin is admitted in hospital with the lung and stomach cancer. she is always in and out. Sometimes I wonder what the doctors tell her about her diagnosis. Lately she has been worse and having chest pain. Coughing up blood last night admitted today. I have to make a way to get to see her this week.

So I hate to say it but I am scared, I dont want to lose anybody. I realize my own mortality and I am tired of this isolating crazy war with my sister. I realize that they may and probably do feel the same way about me. I just dont understand the denial and negligence of my mothers and then the eventual blame on me for everything.

I hope everyone find the things that are missing!! :). And I am glad no police reports had to be filed!!!

Anyways what ever you are doing to spruce up and have a lovely holiday, I am wishing you all the best from my heart.


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Welcome, Tambra take care of you. Losing loved ones, especially children no matter their age is very difficult. Then add an elderly parent with dementia to the mix, very emotional for all. My mom would ask about her parents, of course long deceased, and a sister even longer deceased. Had to tell mom they were on vacation or something was the kindest way to go, though hard for me. Telling her the truth only started grief all over again. Only tried to explain their deaths to her a couple of times before I learned one of the most difficult lessons as a caregiver, just don't do that.

Hi, I'm fairly new here, so bear with me. I posted earlier about my middle sister, and her antics, but Thanksgiving has been hard on our family this year. My oldest sister died in September and this was the first major holiday without her. She and I used to celebrate Halloween together, so I'd already gone through some of the grief, but my dad, who has Alzheimer's, was off all week. He has been acting like a pill leading up to Thanksgiving by doing things like not letting us know when he needed a toilet, messing with a new catheter that's been put in because he keeps getting bladder infections, he even slapped my hands one day. Thanksgiving day he kept asking where my oldest sister was. It was hard on him and my mom, but when he asked it in front of my brother-in-law, it was almost disastrous. He left early because of that.

Not to mention I spent the entire work week with an injury to my elbow that I re-inflamed at work today. I have a nice case of bursitis and my blood pressure is horrendous. I spent four hours in the ER waiting for the BP to go down so I could come home and enjoy my evening.

The bright spot has been that my kids and grandkids came out and had a grand time playing with our goats and raking leaves. Thanks for the vent time. I hope you don't mind.

UGH, Fraz, I wouldn't know the first thing about getting rid of bed bugs. I would call my son, no doubt. He worked for his FIL for awhile that had a bed bug eradication company. He would go around with these huge heaters to homes, etc. Can't remember how hot or how long the heaters would have to run, though. Just UGH!