The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Yes, they just left a few minutes ago, but I did let them know to be sure and wash and vacuum all of their things. I threw said bag in the dryer while they were here. They seemed freaked out about the bug as well, and after thinking about it, were thinking their son may have brought them from my husband's other sister's house. He spent the week at her house just prior to their coming here. She has had bed bug problems in the past, not sure about now or if she ever totally eradicated them...

fraz - you have told them about the bed bug I presume!

Our guests are still here...it's been an okay visit all in all, especially for an unplanned one...but now I've got some work ahead of me. I just found a live bed bug on the outside of one of their bags, which means I have to now vacuum and treat the entire house ASAP. So I'm kind of anxious for them to go so we can get started. :/

Ali, it will turn up. I was starting to wonder if it ended up in a donation box after the fire and that long dreadful move which has now become a figment of my imagination. Loved being in a smaller town but the job was far from memorable or even the slightest bit satisfying, but served its purpose.

New insight!

We internalize how our parents treated our emotional needs and that is how we respond emotionally to ourselves as adults.

Wait. What’d you find, Glad? I looked back but didn’t see but sounds like it’s a relief to you. Good.

Sterling flatware, I see it now. Reading on Mobile is so much more difficult to me.

I’ve still yet to uncover a couple things from my move but they’re relatively small items. But one of them is my 8oz sterling vintage Taxco necklace. I think I hid it from myself but I don’t remember WHERE.

Found! I was so concerned did not want to have to file police report, etc. Then dealing with insurance? Not something I need now.

Susan, next time when not under such a stressful situation.

Contractor came by yesterday, adjusted some leaky doors and it has been so windy. Much quieter in here. And got the disposal unjammed. It was a flooring nail in there. And contractor, not subs, installed the flooring. He apologized.

Guys came and installed bathroom mirrors, finally!

Must get up, shower, look into finishing up with boxes. Have not found my sterling flatware yet. But first saturday coffee and gluten free egg pie.

Well I wanted to try out my new tactic, of acting like my Dad has dementia so I wouldn't fight or fight back..a mature and fail proof plan. BUT on Tuesday, his Retirement Village place called me. He had passed out, in his apartment, and cracked his head open, and was acting as if he were having a mine seizure. So off to the Hospital he went...Long story on all the tests, etc...but bottom line: No bleeding on the brain from the fall (miracle considering the blood thinners he's on), and the reason for his fainting, seizures, whatever, were not brain related, but were heart related, and most probably due to many different, and some conflicting heart medications he was on. He;s on a heart monitor now.
He was finally released on Friday (today). My Thanksgiving was about the worst there was, with worry over him, wondering how bad his heart is, if he has a seizure disorder (doesn't), and being stuck at a lovely, but not fun, Retirement Community, with many many families sharing a beautiful, delicious , buffet dinner. Not me. Just couldn't make myself go to the Dining Room by myself for this festivity. So, for the day..my Dad sleeping in his hospital bed...and me..alone mostly..well..with my dog Thank God.
But as I checked him out of hospital, and his controlling nature returned, I FORGOT TO ACT LIKE HE HAD dementia (he doesn't), so I would fight or fight back. Oh well...next time, during a normal time, I will come prepared, to do my 'la de la..nothing bothers me, as he has dementia ' act. I leave tomorrow.

Yay! I love happy endings! Well done for rising to the occasion, I hope the kids have a great time.

Do you think this might have arisen out of a prior dispute between BIL and wife that at first had nothing at all to do with the visit and then became... "You ring them." "No you ring them." "I thought you'd rung them." "You said you'd ring them." "It'll be fine, stop making such a fuss" etc etc etc

Don't give them any alcohol!!!

Thanks for letting me vent earlier. Yes, I was livid about the fact that they got bent out of shape about us having prior plans that we couldn't just drop altogether just because they showed up without telling us.

But, I did start to feel bad earlier when my husband said his brother texted later that he and his wife were arguing and that they were going to head home. His brother wasn't upset and said he'd wanted to stay and did acknowledge that it probably would've been better had they called, and his wife was wanting to head back because she felt that they weren't welcome. My husband wasn't going to respond, but I could tell he was disappointed.

So, I texted his brother (didn't have his wife's cell number) and said to please let her know that we didn't mean they weren't welcome, just that if we had known they were coming we would've been able to plan to be present and able to visit with them and the kids (and the house wouldn't be a mess!) instead of being gone all day because of prior arrangements. I told him that they were welcome to come back and spend the weekend with us (by that time we were getting ready to head back home) but that if they couldn't, we understood and would see them next time.

After some back and forthing between them about whether they were going to go or stay, they decided they would come visit this evening and stay for the weekend after all. I decided to go ahead and make the best of things because we haven't gotten to visit my husband's family out of state this year (4 hours away) because of everything we've had going on with my mom, and I know hubs misses his family too.

I love and enjoy visiting with his family too, when it's not last minute under stressful circumstances, and when I can actually relax and enjoy the visit. The kids were all excited to see each other and his brother and wife don't seem upset anymore. I know they don't fully understand because they're not here and haven't lived what we have these past few years, and I honestly don't feel like we should have to defend or justify ourselves, but at the same time really don't want hard feelings between us and them.

Tomorrow we'll put up our Christmas tree and decorate, which has been our after Thanksgiving tradition these past few years. I know the kids will enjoy helping with that, and it'll be the first time we've done it with his family here. Praying we have a good time and no more drama this weekend.

I know by Monday I'll be ready for some downtime. I'm about to go to sleep, turkey and adrenaline tired me out today.

(((Hugs))) everyone, have a good night.

Somehow there were two HUGE pumpkin pies at dinner. Way too much. They must have been 12" pies.

First time no real turkey, ex's wife bought smoked turkey at Costco. It was quite good but just didn't seem right. And of course no good smells of Turkey roasting. Ex's wife quite rude to him, kept interrupting him when he was trying to talk to me about something. He would look at me and just roll his eyes. Don't know how they are doing. Just kinda strange.

Dinner was about 12:30 so youngest grand could get home for her nap. Boy did she LOVE that smoked turkey so a good nap was in order, I think. Nice to have dinner so early, I was able to get back home before dark, about 4:30. If it had been much later I would have stayed at daughter's house, but really wanted to get home.

My contractor is coming tomorrow to take care of a few things, I will finally have bathroom mirrors and a disposal that will work. It kinda blew up the second time I turned it on. It sounded like metal in there and did not find anything. Contractor told me to go ahead and run it, I did and it seized the second time I turned it on. Dingy contractor, I told him so.

Hope all had a relaxing, well fed day and at least partially enjoyed those they spent time with.

Hope all my US friends had a good Thanksgiving!

glad - mother is an anomaly. It's anyone's guess.

send - absolutely. I have spent some great holidays alone - fire on in the fireplace, music playing, candles on, some treats...and peace!

teelee- welcome. So true that unless you have walked this journey you don't have a clue what we go through. With your mother being so difficult sounds like you need to set some boundaries for your own good, (((((hugs))))

susan - the grey rock technique. Don't give them any ammunition. Just walk in on a different plane -a higher one, and don't take any of it personally, It really throws them off if you agree with them.

linda - good words.

margeaux -good to see you posting again

duck - it all sounds so complicated. Keep it simple as possible, and have as little interaction with the aggravating ones as possible.

fraz - I'll get back to you on that one, I am still burning. How dare they???? Manipulative creatures that they are... Keep your boundaries.

I shared American thanksgiving by buying a gluten free, dairy free pumpkin cheese cake. It is about 6 " across, so I defrosted it and cut it into 6 pieces (they recommended 4 or 5) and ate one piece. Quite nice, but rich. Then I noticed that it doesn't keep longer than 3 days on the frig, so later I ate another piece, Don't think I will do that again. I may have to toss some of it. That's OK. It was worth it. I can't remember the last time I had cheesecake, Of course it wasn't proper cheesecake being dairy free, but it was a good facsimile.

Everyone - be good to you.

Frazzled, I would be if anything more annoyed at their taking offence even than I would be about their thinking you can turn up mob-handed at a relative's house without calling beforehand. It is absolutely absurd of them.

I mean, really, what did they expect? "Ooo what a WONDERFUL surprise!"? Idiots.

The kids are 12, 10 and 21 months. My husband did go out there and try to smooth things over, but they left in a huff and his brother said that his wife has a relative about an hour from here that they would go stay with instead. His wife wouldn't even get out of the car after my husband's initial conversation with his brother even though I invited her in.

His brother had said to my husband, "Yeah, I know, I told her we needed to call, but she said she didn't want to because you all always have something going on." My husband said that was kind of the point, that we've had everything going on with mom that has made everything hectic. We also have a 20 year old daughter that doesn't live with us anymore that we went through a similar situation with for about 3 years prior to me becoming a caregiver to mom. She also has bipolar and schizoaffective disorder and our life was crazy from the time she first started showing symptoms at 16 until she just up and left last year. Mental illness has put us our family through the wringer.

His brother did say after all that by text that they would come back this evening and maybe stay the weekend. Not exactly how I'd planned things, but I don't want his family to feel unwelcome. Hubs said he thinks maybe they think we just don't want them here and are just using excuses. I said maybe I should bring mom here for the weekend so they can see what we deal with. Just shaking my head...

How old are the kids? If they are young I'd try to smooth things over for their sake, but otherwise - you show up unannounced on a holiday and are shocked and angry that someone has already made plans, seriously?

Morning from he&& here...mom had an episode this morning where she was having a panic attack and high blood sugar, so the facility called the ambulance and called me. I came up there, she had her insulin (which she has been wanting to refuse) and something to eat and calmed down, and didn't end up going to the hospital thankfully. The PLAN was to go back and eat lunch with mom at the facility, then take her to a movie with us before dropping her back off later....but a few minutes after we got back, my husband's brother and wife and three kids showed up unannounced. They did this to us a couple of years ago at Christmas too.

My husband has told his brother to please give us a heads up because the past 3-4 years have been especially hectic. We had decided it was okay and that we would bring mom back here to eat before we all left for the movie. Well now his brother's wife is mad at us because we were obviously not that happy at first when they just showed up and about my husband telling his brother that we needed more notice (not rudely, just stating that we had made plans, but that we would adjust them), so they are wanting to turn around and leave, but he is outside trying to convince them now to stay. Arrgh...can I just go back to bed until tomorrow??

Thank you for clarifying, Duck. So, what is your lawyer appointment for? Are you consulting with you WTC lawyer about something, or are you visiting an eldercare attorney about your mother? I think you need to carefully think through your questions.

In terms of finances ( penalties and taxes on investme T5s you cashed in), do you have any reliable source of financial advice?

One good, trusted resource is the Bogleheads Forum. Google it. It's a group of investors who subscribe to the methods of Jack Bogle, who started Vanguard, the investment firm that specializes in low cost Index Funds. You will find lots of good direction there.

But as horrible as my mother was at times, she did not ever desert us for anyone or anything. Twice I played dead when she would start beating me. She wouldnt stop until I cried and those two times I had really had enough. Wanted to do something crazy like run away or turn bad. but afraid of the shame on the family.

I guess that is why this forum is here. I know there are so many with worse abuse and worse pain. sharing and reading post have helped me as well as good advice from wells meaning loving folk. And I love you all for that.

I think whatever happened to me came right on time because I think with the holiday and yearning for that imaginary dream family I have want I may have gotten sick or really broken. My pressure is getting down, still got those hip and heal issues they take turns :) But I am grateful that by the Grace of God I am in good health and spirits as this season comes in.

I am so happy I dont have to and am not pressured to be around people who hate my guts or who are using me in one way or another. (My mother and sister and her two sons) so thats a relief. I dont think they will ever do a holiday celebration among themselves and that is sad.

I am so happy for those of you who are prissing and prancing around the house making things beautiful and lovely for your loved ones.

And just in I am not back online before ThanksGiviving. I am wishing you all the best and rays of love, happiness and a wonderful moments with your family.

I appreciate any feedback, I'm out, rest easy.

Hi all I appreciate the feedback.

Barb, The utility bills are in my mothers name. On all floors. And neither one of pays rent. Which I why will try to keep house up and have noprolem with doing anything in the house.

There are no leases and the deed only has my mother. I just picked it up a few weeks ago.

When my nephew started taking my mother to the bank to ( I had beendoing it preiiously) I guess he just gotl permission to pay bills.

This has always been the situation. Which is why I had no problem buying groceries, supplies appliances as needed. Il would go all out for holidays. take boys and sister on weeend trips, disney world. And drive family south for funnerals or events and foot the bills. I always feltthat wasmy way of jpaying rent.

I took a lot of abuse becuaseof mydecision to stay there ovvver the years when I could have invested in my own.

The property taxes in new york are paid. the ones in NC the last I checkedwere not paid. (Please excusetpos i have a sticky keyboard. someone spilt something on key board and theyare sticking)

Once I was out the house my mpother started in on my nephew accusing him of selling drugs, using drugs etc... He was a police officer and I told him not to waste his life and freedom thinking it was a good deal. To move out and get his own dont make my mistake. Where bythe time I left I didnt have much of anything but a car. A few investments which I cashed in and got taxed heavily
This was when we were on good terms. I went through It as an RN in charge all this authrity on the job and I came home to get beat down bad. This is why I have so much pain and issues and it really scared me it took so long to see who my mother and tweisted were.

If anyone needed anything it was ask dummy.
So the thing is I suspect envy, and plotting to get me to pay. Its no coincidence that the electric was not paid since August when I returned from korea arouund the second.

This is why I was reluctant to leave. I have a very large taxx bill state and federal which I am making slow process on. With what is left I save some, and by groceries do needed repairs, supplies, etc. Wigs for my mother, linenes what ever I see she needs. Meanwhile my sister does clost to nothing. She was using my condiments freely, i buy 3 lawrys salt one is missing. Same with cooking oil. And anything else. anything she needs down there she takes. I dont have cable and watch certain shows while I am downstairs. If they could cut off the service they would.

When my mother was lucid she would just turn off the tv if I was watching it while I mopped and cooked food. When I dint have a phone I could not use hers I went to corner. Now they have these free kiosk like things with free wifi.

So I know I tend to babble and thanks for bearing with me.
Nephew has no authurity except to pay bills. Bills in my mothers names. She had tenant who was a friend of mine. No problem with rent but he moved out when my moter started stressing him to switch electric to her name. she was very controling that way, so I know she did not give any of her power away with a power of attorney to anyone.

I believe she would tell twisted and nephew twisted lies to get them to do things when I started refusing becuase of lies and accusations of stealing. I am a lot of things but not a thief. She would hold mail from my lawyer with wtc saying I was trying to take the house. Said I was trying to have her committed so I could take the house and take over.

Both of them know how much abuse I have taken from my mother and at one point it was amazing to see how the entire systematic ugliness was being repeated. It tore me apart to the core when I realized the truth and had to face it.

Just thinking of these things gives me flashbacks of tears and saddness and bewilderment. It a lot of stuff I dont even speak on. Once my sister gave3 me a memory she had and It shocked me that I had forgotten it.

Duck, by what authority is nephew in charge of paying bills? With whose funds? Your mother's?

Do you, your sister or nephew pay rent? Do you have leases?

Whose name is on the deed to the house?

Whose name is on the Electric/ Gas/ utility account?

Are the property taxes being paid? By whom?

Duck, you seem to get caught up in the dysfunction/ lack of love/getting off a smart line to other family members. You wrote that there were unpaid property taxes back in the summer, and you didn't answer our queries about what was being done about that.

I too don't want you to pay any of these bills out of your funds. But you need to clarify, at least in your own head, whose responsibility those bills are.

Thank you, Margeaux. It is always great to hear from you.

Duck, you need to figure out a way to get the heck out of there!

Duck, I would not consider paying the electric bill of any others. Once you do, it will be your responsibility there after. Your nephew is supposed to pay out of your mom’s accounts, leave it in his hands and don’t mention it to him again. If the power gets turned off, report it to APS.

Margeaux, this could turn into a bad situation. I am so tired of my sister and nephew feeling and acting as if I am not entitled or have the same rights.
Just like my mother they will cut off their nose to spite their face.

The electric bill last payment was in august the same month I rerturned from my trip. What they dont realize is that my sister as her health care proxy and him in charge of her bills are both setting themselves up for questioning. When he has been paying the bills this long and stops why. Then the fact of no heat that is neglect and danger especially for my mother. If this happens then I will have to call APS report it and that he knowingly let that happen and of course my sister being in charge of care allowed same.

I have no problem with paying anything but I am fed up with being used all my life in this same spirit. My sister once told me I was supposed to look out for them because I had the money.

It hurts me becuse I am still in the process of accepting who these people really are and who they seem to think they are wielding this self given power and authority and so strong in being wrong.

They were counting on me feeding into it but what this will hopefully do is expose them and help with finally getting so decent service for my mother. The envy, spite and jealousy and so much other nonsense has blinded them to their true responsibilities. Their only ammunition is blame.

I so truly appreciate your suggestion and I will look into it. I need all the help I can get because these two are magnificent in constructing blame and fault and making it pristine no matter how utterly ridiculous it really is. It angers me, I want to lash out, I want them to see their wrong. I want them to change. Its frustrating becasuse there is nothing I can do. But now with this, I see it as rope to hang themselves. But with people like this they will be hanging and still blame me. because they can see no wrong in themselves.

I have spent my whole life catering to my mother my sister her sons, my own child. Getting blamed for every hardship or scratch and being used in any and every kind of way. When I didnt have they kicked me and loved it. I actually felt compelled to tell my mother I m not going to always be like this. I not going to be down forever. Those were some of my worst memories and moments realizeing who my mothr and sister were and the farce of love and family I thought I had. I have always wondered what happened to divine justice. Then everynow and then I would get just a glimpse and its so awesome to see. I hate to say it but I would love and cant wait to see it again with them.

Linda 22,

I agree with you, that if one doesn't know or isn't aware that when dealing with negative people you just have to really focus on not giving in and allowing then to take you on the neg bus ride. I remember the days while my aunt, (mom's sis), was alive, she was the narcs of all narcs. It was the reason I ended up here on this thread. Once I realized that it wasn't going to get me anywhere to react to her stupidity, and especially during holidays it's always rough to be around this energy. The food, cheer & even decorations are a good distractor.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

DDDuck,

I really sense that you're in a very challenging situation with your family.
So apparently there is no power of attorney since your mom wants to remain the only authority in your family? This situation you have going on with your utilities being turned off sounds very bad. Aside from the meeting with this attorney, is there any possibility of having Department of Social Services getting involved?
I don't know where you live, but this could be a problem for both you and your mother if you're in the colder region of the country. Wouldn't want you getting sick.

Take care,
Thinking of you,

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Glad,

It's good to hear that you are settling into your new place.
I'd read a couple weeks ago, when you had that very unwelcome intruder lurking around your door; must have been super frightening!

Your post of Nov. 12th says a lot. I remember when you were still looking after your mom and her partner. You've come a long way since those days, and have become a wiser person for it. We should all follow your lead.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Susan, I think there’s a similar way of interacting with people with cognitive challenges, whether it be dementia or just age related changes. You just adopt an attitude that much of it is little stuff that you let roll off you.

My mom and I have a prickly relationship, and her increased cognitive impairment really makes it a challenge. I’ve clued in DD and we’ll spend Thanksgiving refocusing her topic of conversation to the wonderful day of family together, isn’t the food delicious etc. I’m determined to keep from being pulled into her vortex of negativity, and not enjoying the day with my family. Attitude of gratitude.

I think I have a game plan that will help me get through the visits coming up with my Dad. I will just assume he now has dementia...he doesn't. But he does have some age related illogical, and confused thoughts...coupled with his marginalizing me, and sometimes explosive personality...that he's always had. But, I now know I can't 'correct him' or change him...or win an argument. So, I will do as you do for those with Alzheimer's...or dementia...I will just agree...I won't argue, I won't care..it is what it is, and it won't change, and I can now let go, while still being there.
Wish me luck. I'm kind of looking forward to my new role.
I'll fill you in after Thanksgiving.
:)

I think this would be helpful,I feel that a lot of the time no one ask the caregiver how are you doing because I don't think others are aware of what we are going through, I dont think this topic is something I feel comfortable talking about except to others that have or are going through it,personally I feel my self feeling physically ill when I approach my house, not knowing what to expect, and I actually feel sick