The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Sharynmarie,

I'm gathering that your brother is in a facility for his health conditions.
I do need to go back and catch up big time about what has been going on with everyone. Do try to, when I can get on hubby's computer, because mine is just not accessing lots of things about websites anymore. Need to upgrade, once I can afford it. Anyway, this must be a difficult situation for all of your family, and the fact his wife cannot stay there. But she probably needs a bit of time away also.

O.K., just wanted to say hello, and will be thinking of you and your family.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Some of the best holidays were spent on vacation with just my husband and I.

Some of the best holidays were spent on vacation with just my husband and I.

So to get to my dysfunction.

I am still strong in my new found detachment. A part of me still yearns for what I thought was a loving family, especially in this holiday season.

I opened an electric bill disconnect notice. I immediately texted my nephew and communicate that I thought he was handleing the bills, are the property taxes her and in nc taken care of. doees he need help I can remind him.

Well he responded that I could pay it if I want to.

Meanwhile before I got that text I sent that I kjnow its a burden and he could set up automatic payme.

He sends Again, you can pay if you want, You can also set up automatic payments with your information to make it easisr. That would help.

Now, The last week when they took my mother to doctor and I stress a little before I figured it out. When they came back and I was leaving I noted my sister turn a way with what I though was a smile. So I just assumed she was smiling know I had had an alarm and stress.

Now my nephew is in charge of my mothers accounts and he took over with her consent obiviously payment of bills thourgh her account. My mother's narcissism would not let in bill be in a name but hers. Once when I wass much younger in I payed an outstanding bill and when she found out she cursed me like I was the sscourge of the earth. I didnt understand and all I could say was con ed doesnt care whose money pays the bills, that was her control.

I expected this type issp like hisue to come up after my mother passed if I lieved to see it.
Lights go off no heat, no light for entire house .

So I know I was a tad harsh and maybe should not have even responded in fact I was angry at my self for contacting him. it is obvious that his mother knows the bill is not payed this is since august and this includes the entire house.

Well I went on tto say its was obvious he was under duress or extreeme stress. or becoming a sick puppy like his mother feeding on his poison .
And he was highly mistaken to think I could be manipulated by any devius and spiteful manipulation and that God's justice will prevail.

I told him as I have said to him so many times to do the right thing. I have also said we can get togethr and try and fix up house and split the bills.

I already know my sister will not ever pay anything and it will get to going to court and having responsiblity to bills like heat and electireicrked out. and gas . The heat is gas.

So I am still in the same place of growth even if just for a moment my neck and head swelled at his response. If he is not paying the bills then he is not meetting his responsibity in handling my mohters accounts because that was the purpose of him handling them.
I think my chances of changing things legally are nil. there is no power of attorney because my mother would not knowingly give away any authority.
But I will not be manipulated in paying bills that involve my sister in any kind of way.

I text and told him I was still paying for the fridge that he and twisted didnt care to notice need replacement, That he nor she dont really care about her or we would not be at this place. They refusing to get her insure and and home care and that she deserves better. My mother has good health plan from work and medicare. Its crazy and sad. And yes I did flip my switch when I saw that response. The disconnect notice will be shown to lawyer also if I ever get a chance to see her. Anyway if the light go off that means he has not been doing his job in managing her accounts and bills. I dont know where this will go. But those lights will be off meaning no heat in the winter time which will be a case. And I am quite sure that my twisted is aware becuase this affects her as well.

Anyways I am out. Rays of love and peace to all. Sleep tight.

Golden, may or may not be a rally for your mom. Great that someone thinks they have maybe figured out the dentures may be causing her pain and discomfort. Thinking of you, take care of you.

Duck, nope nothing close to cooking up a storm. Kitchen just gets presentable then I find more boxes to unpack. Then counter loaded up again. Even started decorating for Xmas a bit. Came across some things to put out. Was searching for the Xmas tablecloth that mom made for the kitchen table that I got. Was worried maybe ts1 didn't give it to me with other table linens. Even emailed her to ask if she gave it to me. Then VOILA there it was in a box. Hooray! Needs washing, but I can do that.

Gershun, my holidays have been strange since I started the caregiving seven years ago. Just have no desire to be with twisteds. And my kids seem to be all over the place. They try to all be in town every two years at the same time for holidays. When they aren't here, one is in Florida, one southern Colorado, and my oldest was South Dakota which won't be for her any more, in process of divorce. 😕 It has been hard for them for a number of years, both are type A personalities. It was hard to visit at their house.

Sharyn, hope the new place will work out better for your bro.

Hi all!! I am trying to catch up. I may have went back too far.

Golden, I am so happy about your mother. I beleive that nurse or aide is an angel sent to alleviate your concerms. I dont think it is a conincidence that a person takes so much time and interest in a busy health care facility.

Gershun, I hope whatever you decide works out well. To be honest I miss the family gathering, because all I did was out of love and in a spirit of happiness. Not knowing the jealousy and ugly that was stirring.

I am so happy now, I dont know how to say it. I know I could never sit down with my sister and nephews ever again as a family forget the holidays! They were painful enough when I didnt have a clue. I wouldnt dare to think of such a gathering now.

Sharyn, I am also happy for you, and glad your brother is moving to a new place.
I can picture you baking and cooking up a storm for your boys its a wonderful feeling. Your plans sound beautiful.

Glad, sounds like you may be cooking up a storm also. I figuring you are going to bless you new home with a lovely meal. In any case enjoy!!

Barbs, I did not get to read article but will check it out, your links are always on point and interesting.

I hope everyone is handling the stress of this this Holiday Season., I hope its wonderful and happy and pleasant for everyone!

Gershun, you sound like you're figuring out what you need for yourself despite the situation. That's great. It's never a happy thing to need to detach (geographically, too) from family, but it is what it is. I left out of my family's area when I was still in early 20s... and caregiving to my dad affirmed what my gut already knew: I'm better off keeping a distance. It's not that I don't love them. Of course I do very much and that has nothing to do with it. It's that they bum me out. And sure, some part is my own doing. Let's say, for example's sake, that ALL of it is my own doing. How does that change the fact that every single time I'm around them for any length of time, hurtful things happen..? At some point, you just want to stop banging your head on that wall. It's tough and you have my sympathy.

You know I'm seriously thinking about skipping Christmas with my family altogether this year. Someone on another thread, I can't remember which one said something that resonated with me. How she was hoping for some sign that her mother cared and loved her right up to the day her mom died. She was looking for that morsel of affection to sustain her. I thought about that and I think every time I get together with my family I leave the gathering extremely depressed and out of sorts. It sometimes lasts for days. I think I'm always hoping this will be the year that I feel "okay" about things. But I've finally figured it out. I need to detach from my family and be "okay" with that. They are never going to give me what I need. I have to have that inside me already.

It's not even their fault. It's just the family dynamics I grew up with and I'm sure I contribute to it in my own way. I'm certainly not perfect although I do believe I'm more evolved than most of my siblings and they may never catch up. I'm not going to wait for that or expect it anymore. It's too disappointing.

I haven't decided for sure cause spending time with my spouse's family brings it's own kind of dramas and I'm sure he will want to spend it at one or the other or lord forbid, both. Oh, the horror...................!P

Golden, I’m happy you have this aid taking an interest in your mom. Being able to eat is more tasty than puréed. My nephew said he’s pretty sure they are moving my brother tomorrow.

Glad, lol!, yes I’ll cook and have the boys too! Dd is making the mashed potatoes and green beans so I really only have to do the stuffing and the turkey.

Frazz, yes, there were times I wanted run away when my mom was still at home.

On the mother front, I got a phone call this afternoon from the NH and the friendly nurse may had figured out some things about why mother is crying so much.. First of all, mother's dentures are loose, even after the relining, and she needs Polygrip. That is easy to fix. Next, the nurse reported that mother talked a lot, which she has not been doing, and said she wanted some bread to eat, and some cereal, and no pureed food. So the nurse went against the diet recommendations and gave her a couple of slices of bread with a little butter on them and mother ate them both with no swallowing difficulties. So the nurse has asked for a review of mother's diet. Thirdly, she cleaned mother hearing aids filters and now mother can hear much better. And, since mother has been given pepsid again, her stomach does not hurt any more. We couldn't figure out where that meds got lost in her travels as she had been on it for years but not n the NH

I am so glad she is taking this interest in mother and hopefully between these "fixes" mother will be doing better,

To me this sounds somewhat like an end of life rally, except that the dr says she could go on for years yet. I guess time will tell.

Pamz - that's awful. Here I think it is babies more than seniors. More resources definitely needed.

fraz - I would like someone to put me on a plane to a warm destination. Not kidding! Mother once tried to fly herself east but she didn't have proper ID. It was the beginning of a very difficult time.

glad - great!!! I still have some hand written recipes -"take a jug of milk" and some others that are more modern. Nice to have your books on shelves. Cold and snowy here, I had fried polenta rounds and maple syrup for supper last night. Not something I would do often, but it was good. Tonight I think it will be butternut squash soup with spinach added, and some hemp hearts for protein.

sharyn -not sure what meds they are trying on mother now. More on that later. I do hate seeing her depressed. Finally I think I am over the flu shot. It took a while but the flu would take longer. Glad your knee is getting better. So sad your bro is having all these problems. I can see why your sis is frustrated. I hope they find a new place soon.

Having trouble logging onto a bank account today. I've renewed the password a couple of times and it still doesn't work. I'll try again tomorrow and then phone them if it still doesn't work. Very aggravating!!!

Sharyn, or should I say Nancy? Be careful, don't push.

Sorry to hear so much worry over your brother.

What a deal! DD will work so you can cook? I don't know who has the more difficult job. But, I do know that you will have the most fun.

Golden, I hope the meds are going to work for your mom. It is hard to see them depressed. It tears at your heart. It’s good you are recovering from the flu shot. I haven’t gotten one yet.

Glad, I have my mom’s recipe box. I sent several recipes to my niece. She loves to cook like I do. It’s a nice treasure to have.

Duck , you are moving in the right direction. Detach, detach!

My knee is slowly getting better. I’m now known as Nancy Kerrigan at work, lol! No one is stepping up to be Tanya Harding, ha ha, can’t blame them!

my brother has panic attacks when his wife is not with him. He is on an anti depressant and anti anxiety meds. The anti anxiety can be given in a lower dose but staff gives him full dosage which knocks him out for 12 hours and they put him on the ventilator. He misses PT and it takes 3-4 days to wean him off the ventilator again. My sil is very frustrated with the facility and they are trying to get him something better. She is with him about 15 hours a day and she would stay but they won’t allow it. He is suppose to get only filtered water in case there is bacteria in the water and him being on anti rejection drugs which lowers immunity. The staff will get him water out of the bathroom. We are all worried about his progress or lack of progress at this time.

I hope Thanksgiving will be a good day for everyone. My dd volunteered to work so I wouldn’t have to.....but I’m cooking the dinner for us, lol! She only has to work 8-2 as the store closes by 4pm.

Oh book - SO awesome that you found the recipe boxes. Cherish them (and the handwriting..... and the dribbles). And make them!

My mom had a handful of signature recipes that I would have loved to have. When I cleaned out her house, I found everything but. ☹️

Good food and good memories are often intertwined. Go for it, book! 👍🏼

Found my and mom's recipe boxes! Got those books from the "Book" room emptied and put on shelves. Gosh I knew I had purged books before the move three years ago, but this is the first time that I have actually placed them on the book shelves since then. Have yet to organize them, maybe old texts and such on one of the shelves in the room that will be office stuff. Then fun reading books in other spare room. Hmmmm.... My next goal is to finish unpacking boxes in kitchen, figure out where things will go so that room looks at least somewhat organized and useable.

Cold, sleety day here. Went out first thing this morning, before it got too bad, for my weekly coffee and a few groceries. My driveway is somewhat steep, slid a bit getting to garage. But now those outside chores are done and I can hunker down for the rest of the weekend. Maybe lentil soup for dinner tonight. It is a soup kinda day.🍜🍞 Or Marie Callendars chicken 🐥 pot pie.😌

When I read the article, I just didn't realize how a hospital can become overwhelmed with so many abandoned seniors. It made me wonder about those news stories seen in the news of hospitals dumping their patients into another neighborhood - still in their hospital gowns. And why the hospitals do their hardest to try to get ANY family member to take their patient home.

I just read that article that is so sad.

I'm not gonna lie, the first thing I thought when I read the article was, "Gosh, there are times I'd love to put my mom on a one way flight, preferably to Timbuktu or somewhere." I wouldn't really do that, of course. I don't have that kind of money...

In all seriousness though, it is heartbreaking that we don't have more resources out there for our elders and their caregivers. We really do need a better system in place.

I hope you guys know I was joking about the first part, though mom does drive me nuts sometimes.

Glad where I work we often get elders "dropped off" at the ER before holidays and such,, we call them "Granny dumps" and it is horrible. Then the family is not answering the phone, etc until they get back from their vacay or what ever. Just drop and run... They sit in the ER until someone sees them for intake,, and surprise.. no family around.. But at least they are warm and fed until the family magically reappears after a few days.. And of course no insurance... We get the same thing from the panhandleres that surround the hospital. They get "nipped" by a car and check themselves in for a few days of warm , TV and meals They have it better in the hospital than a homeless shelter. We really need a better plan in place for everyone.

On the light side, my front door adventures were far less threatening than glad's, though having groceries delivered at 10:40 pm was surprising, and the loud knock the Loomis Courier guy gave on the front door unnerved me briefly, However, I was glad to see 3 boxes of items in good shape, and promptly put them away. Chicken rice soup, butternut squash soup, maple beans, polenta and corn grits will serve me well in the cold weather. It was fortunate I was still awake,

My other adventure was quite different, One morning a few days ago, a thin, older gentleman with a pronounced limp came up to the house, looked in my recycle bin, and took out a few bottles. I waved at him through the front door sidelight, went to the kitchen and got my inside recycle bin. By then he was back on the street with his cart, to which were attached several bags of cans and bottles. I put the indoor bin on the steps and told him he could take what he wanted. I also told him in future I would gather my bottles and cans into a separate bag and leave them outside for him. Before the fire, an Asian gentleman came biweekly and I did the same for him. This gentleman walked closer and we discussed and decided where was the best place for me to leave them. He was concerned that someone else would take them. I reassured him no one else did this. Then I wished him a good day and he reached out his gloved hand to shake mine, and said "Gary" and "Thanks, honey."  

I have some admiration for someone with a disability who will get dressed up and go out on the cold to make a few bucks, even if I might not care for the way he spends the money.

This morning I have Folgers in my cup, uh, mug, ☕ and can't get that ditty out of my head.🎵🎵🎵 But, it did have a nice aroma when it was brewing.

Finally getting over the reaction to the flu shot, so today is looking brighter. It is better than getting the flu, but...I guess I'll take my blessings where I can find them.

Be good to you, do yourself a kindness every day, even a small one!

duck - narcs are jealous. My sis, and dd, and mother all are, I don't think there is much you can do about it, other than keep a distance. Dd is on various meds and they seem to help her, thankfully. I am glad your son is doing so well.

needhope -so glad you got a "spiritual boost". I get those confirmations too. Cutting the ties with your bro (and sis) sounds like the best thing to do. I grin and bear it and go through the motions when I have to be with my sis too. So glad you got to visit your dd and that you are grieving and letting go your dysfun sibs. My sis also worries about me getting whatever from mother. Honestly I don't think they missing anything because they don't want a relationship, they want stuff. They can't appreciate the things you do.

sharyn (((((hugs))))) take care of that knee, It must be hard seeing the conditions due to wildfire where you used to live. So sad for everyone.

madge -that is awful, People get desperate.

barb -thx for the link. I checked it out this morning. Dreadful.

glad- that is shocking. More resources are needed so badly.

Have a good day, all.

Wow, so many elders being abandoned! There needs to be better resources available. It’s so sad and discouraging.

Ms Madge, the fires are just horrible. My home town looks like it is fogged in from smoke. People have lost so much, people still missing.

I got an email from a friend yesterday with the verse Gods grace is sufficient ... It really blessed me a lot because I had posted it here the day before feeling it was the Lords word to me in my heart...and then having an email sent to me with it was just a comfort like no other... Believing the God of the universes talks to us in these subtle ways like a coincidence ... but they always come these little coincidences ...and through the years I have come to know this is the way the Lord talks to me through His word and then I will get the same verse from someplace else and it is just a comfort to me ...Knowing He knows and He is working behind the scenes on my behalf. Another word was that humility comes before honor. For me that means to accept my lot as from the Lord and serve Him to the best of my ability. Who am I ? I am Gods servant. I serve my mother and family too by caring for her as I do...but ultimately it is serving the Lord in what He has called me to do. I get the help and grace I need From Him...I will never get this from the family...and as the years now go by I see the reality of the way things are ....Thinking my sister and brother would be there has been such a great disappointment to me while I am here giving blood.... They see it as something easy for me to do. They are both so incredibly only worried about me getting something they wont. Well one thing I am getting that they won't is years spent caring for their mother 2/7... and really they are missing out in so many ways. So I am excited now suddenly about my future ...I know the Lord is here in the middle and it will be His doing whatever comes ....I am good with that. Hope all of you will have more grace during the holidays and have peace and joy in the middle of the storms in your lives....Praying for all of you as I see so many of you have it worse than I do! God Bless You and keep you in His Arms of love.

Check 9news website. They are running a series on vulnerable adults. The rate at which the vulnerable abandoned at hospital ER's is frightening. There needs to be resources for burnt out caregivers. Some of these caregivers are nursing homes and other facilities. The issue in Denver is that there is a public guardianship program that the only source of funding is donations. The people that work in the office are volunteers. No benefits, NOTHING!

https://www.wltx.com/article/news/man-with-alzheimers-sent-on-one-way-flight-to-denver-among-scores-of-patients-stranded-in-hospitals/101-614151227

In case anyone is interested!

Looking for a break from the wildfire news, I stumbled upon an equally distressing story of a Florida woman sending her dad with Alzheimer's on a one way plane to Denver 😱

Sharyn, be careful sounds like overall you are ok.

Cmag, I can understand your feelings. I still have anger at my mom for seeing me as irresponsible and passing this mind set to my siblings.

This week has not been my best as I fell at work on Tuesday and had to get x rays on my left knee. I’m still sore and can’t left anything heavy or squat for several days. I’m slow at work but will heal with time.

Take care everyone and hoping the week ends ends peacefully.

I have been sad i cant be with my daughter...she was better when i left but i cd only afford to cover moms care 3 nights and the flight left me so very broke now ... but at least i got to br there a little while..my daughter cried when i was leaving and i felt so torn in two... But God's grace is that i could go and find a great RN who stayed the whole time ...it was a blessing...first time away in 2 years here...felt good. I am letting go of the bitterness i feel little by little and it is a form of grieving the loss of famy ...they just are so not there and dont get how hard it is on my end. They never will. But God does....and thats enough.

My grace is sufficient for you..

God says that. I believe it is true....My brother came to visit Mom... to celebrate his birthday we met at a restaurant...it felt so dysfunctional...since last time he taiked to her he got mad and hung up on her...she just skipped that and made nice with him...She was too tired to go to legal appointment so I went alone...while she took a nap. They made me the client instead and are looking into things best way to handle situation.. I want free from any ties with my brother whatever the cost. He is a constant rollercoaster and i just want off. Praying for God to set me free and provide another way since he is holding on to what does not belong to him. ...just because he can. HE is a very sick person and yet my heart hurts for him ...just sad. So will see if they can come up with any advice on how I can deal with the situation. My siblings are very much alike. They have both stopped talking to me ..
And it felt fake today with my brother going on about his ventures in the stock market...he did bring Mom some presents for her birthday 3 weeks away and also a coffee cup for Christmas as well so that he has covere FIND d it all with the one drive through the new year.. I guess he feels some obligation to avknowledge her on holidays ..
Last time we saw him was the week after mothers day. ..
But he feels no responsibility to help me with her care or help me get a break. Or help financially
SO i just grin and bear it going through the motions..