The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

sharyn - glad you are getting better, My sinuses are much improved. Ah yes, being in contact with little ones exposes you to many bugs. Sorry to hear your family is hot happy with your bro's care. He needs the best! Ugh, that niece's hubs has a girlfriend. It is hard enough without that.

duck - Glad you are feeling stronger. it is hard when you first start to see the reality of your situation with narcissists. I have a narc mother and sis too who played off one another. Now sis can't play the same games as mother is too far gone, but she can play other games to my detriment. I don't need it. You are changing as you are getting more aware. I found I had to protect myself more than anything, Melody Beattie is good on co-dependence

glad - have the neighbours had much of this kind of trouble or was it an isolated incident? If it was, it really makes me wonder why he targeted your house. It is good you have contact with the sheriff. I bet you are tired from the move, Hope the new internet will be up soon.

madge - thank you . It is good to be home, From what I understand the deep sleeping is part of them winding down - more sleeping less eating. Yes, it is hard to accept. She's there, but she's not there.

needhope - have a great time with your daughter and a well earned break from care giving. Hope she is recovering well. I have found much comfort and help here too.

Margeaux -sounds like you are getting the know the ropes, I am sure you need to as some people will try to take advantage of you.

Processing some feelings now - mixed ones, I tend to do a lot of anticipatory grieving, There is some sadness as I will miss mother when she passes, despite our very checkered past. On the other hand, a great burden will be lifted off my back. It is hard to even imagine what that will be like, but it has to have a good side. Still waiting on a return call from the doctor. I have found some rentals in Eton that could work so I can be down there more. I need to rest up before I go down again. Wish I was 20 years younger. Sigh!

Glad, scary first night in your house! Outside security w/cameras and motion sensors sounds like a good idea.

Duck, I’m happy to hear it sounds like you are detaching from some of the stress, keep on heading that direction.

Golden, it’s good to be home after these trips away.

Im getting better, I can breathe through my nose again, lol! So many bugs going around right now and our grandsons like to share them!

my brother is in rehabilitation , however, my nephew tells me they are very disappointed with the place and checking to see if they can bring him back to Stanford. He said they have failed badly in doing what they should be doing.

My sister has very conflicted feelings about her daughter’s suicide now that it appears my nieces hubs has a girlfriend. Not too many details available and we all feel disappointed in him and wondering if this was the trigger.

Needhope,

Thank you so much for the advice about my foot. It's doing a lot better than when I'd first posted. It just had to run it's course of healing. I was icing at first, then put lots of tiger balm and castor oil on it.

Also, you are right about the rules re: IHSS. I'm learning, and next time this issue comes up in an interview I'll be better prepared. You are so right about the amount of work caregivers do, and that its to help clients stay in their homes.
I'll have to remember that.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Hi Book,

Thank you so much for your opinion. Yes, you're right, I do need to read the fine print regarding my insurance policy. Actually, I think I'm covered, but should read it anyway.

The rules out here are that we can do approved shopping for the client.
This woman I was working for, I'm afraid wanted to go over the approved amount. When her daughter interviewed me, because she handles her mothers things, told me that the client had real walking issues. She uses a cane. After I'd been with her over a week, I found out that she really should be using a walker.
I helped her put on those support hose for bad veins. So the daughter basically was combining these shopping trips as a way for her mother to do some walking. This isn't really walking, because all the woman did was lean on the shopping cart, and walk around very slowly around the stores. It was really a way of getting her mom out of the house. I'm suspecting it was also a way to get her mother's shopping done. Then on weekends or time off her own daughter wouldn't have to take her mom to do this. But these trips, I've come to realise now that I'm no longer in their employ, aren't really within the IHSS rules.
Since I left, I got on the computer and read their manual. It only allows one hour for actual grocery/necessary shopping. Heck this lady had me take her to Ross/99cent store.
This was my first time working w/in this Resgistry. I got busy doing other work, but am going to go at it again with the IHSS. This time, I know more, so I'll be better equipped about knowing how this system works.

Hope all is well with you Book. I'm sure life has changed for you.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Thank you for listening to me and for your comments.. I appreciate this site so much...has helped a lot. I am going to my daughters in the morning... thankful I have help to stay with Mom the 3 days ...a blessing .... So off I go ! Daughter was discharged from hospital tonight ... yey ...love and prayers...

Golden
glad you're home safely

even though it has been going on for months, I still find it hard to get my head around not being able to wake the Viking when she's in sleeping beauty mode especially since she's such a light sleeper by nature

Oh, the lawyer canceled our apointment I have to reschedule. It worked out fine becuase I was going to forfeit voting so I could make apt. I would have had to get up 2hrs earlier. And I had to walk about 9 blocks to and from the polls. Not to mention that I left my phone and didnt miss it untill I was 3 stops away on the bus. so I walked about 8-10 miles today,

So when I realized I left phone, I thought it was for a good reason. Accepted it and kept it going, While I wondered how all this walking would help this crazy groin stuff and knee stuff and heel stuff. Its crazy stuff.

Then I found a nice store on walk home that made a nice breadfast that I left my mother eating and went upstairs to exhuausted to feel stresss.

Boy oh Boy!! I hope I can keep this mindset I have had lately. Calm cool, and collective and most of all thankful. YaY!

Be Blessed everyone, I am out. Sleep tight.

I am not caught up. I just posted a tad and my eyes are red again.

Oreo, and Need, keep posting its so cathartic. sometimes as I post I see my self in an objectionable way and see my situation better.

I just wanted to share that I feel there has been a big change in my life. Its wierd, and I was expecting something bad or some more drama. I feel stronger and I feel like my prayers are being answered.. Its wierd. it feels good and peacful maybe its wierd because such feelings are so rare in my life.

In any case I am grateful. I feel God in my life. I mean, I feel that way all or most times but I feel as if I have had special breakthough in my behalf.

Now the drama continues. My mother still has poor appetite. I missed her meals on wheels on sat. We made it through just fine and I felt even better when I came down and saw someone had left her a fish dinner wondering why it was on the floor and a piece of fish was on the floor. Thinking she put it there for the Prince? who just passed on.
So I am grateful that this one time I dont have to prepare or heat up food, I take my shower. And looking at the fish and why it was on the floor, I noticed she had moved the container next to the fish that was on the floor. I had questioned her about why she had it on the floor. It looked good.

My mother moved the container closer to the fish and a whirl of activity started flowing from the containers. I had to stop my self from stomping and fast stepping due to this recurrenet but subsideing heal pain and recurrent, returned groin pain. so I had to leave them alone to return with combat gel and order somemore traps.

Now that was wierd, I dont know if my mother put them on the floor becuase of the roaches or what. But I do know I had gotten them down to almost zero. And these were fast as running furriously. Our guys are kind of low keyed, different.

anyways the first time I saw a nest in the old fridge hinges I cried. In fact seeing a bunch would bring a tear of frustation.

I think that breakdown of crying I had last week made it very clear in my head that I have no control of events. That I have slowly been killing myself, trying to control things with my need and desire for normality, love, acceptance, respect.. knowing deep down inside its not a possibiltiy and never was as long as I stayed connected to this family.

So later I was proud of my self for just seeing it as something to get rid of instead of a symptom of the dysfunction in my family.

And oh boy!! do I have a long ways to go and I have no idea whats around the corner and I hope I can continue to keep my head.

Meanwhile, I am still on Utube, Sadhguru, gives good advice and teachings. I am still exploring codependence and narcisssim. Everything and anything that helps me understand myself and my issues better.

God much love for you all.


Rays of love peace and understanding

Talked to contractor, he didn't know anyone by the name the sheriff gave me. I am grateful for that neighbor and must try to talk with them tomorrow. Yes, Golden I have thought about a security system especially after last night.

I sent an email to the sheriff this morning so he came to my office to let me know they gave the guy a verbal warning to stay out of the area. Sheriff did not know I live here, now they do and next time they will call with notification if something is going on. Scared the living bejeebers out of me.

I am loving this house, just wish I had more energy to find things like my dishes. It sure seems that I have plenty of storage, though I reserve the right to change my mind. It just feels so good to lay down at night, I am so tired.

This wireless internet is for the birds! I need to move the modem closer to this ended of the house to see if it helps. It is the only internet currently available, but fiber optic is suppose to be constructed in the next few months. And I am trying to cut the cord, roku and dtvnow. Not happy about it so far.

Oreo, Glad and Country, are making very valid points.

I do understand how important your mother's birthday would be to you especially with the realization that she may be leaving you soon and that very possibility can distort things and make things urgent.

Please do not lose your good job, history, ethics for a day with your mother.

let her know you cant be there for her birthday but plan something special with her.

I had a big break down two weeks past when my mother said she was tired and was going home. My heart was so torn, just the thought brings tears. Through that tumoil, and after crying like a banshee I acutally saw how I was so manipulated and programed by my narcissist mother. How I depended on making her happy to my detriment and pain throughout the years. How I blocked my self from progress and goodness because of decisions I made with her in the center my focus, my guiding light.

I cant change a life time of programming but I recognized and finally acepted it and how it has affected my life, relationships, my world. With tears I say I dont want to go there anymore, not ever again. I cant change over night but I am working real hard. And after those hard tears, and seeing my self so broken and torn and realizing thats about the summit of my relationship with her outside of my own love for her. I loved her hard and still do but I acutually realized that what I felt then was basically the norm of our relationship.

glad (((((((hugs)))))) very scary but glad you have good neighbours. You have to wonder if he was around the house before you moved in. I do hope that is the end of it. Let us know what you find out from the contractors. What an awful thing to have happen when you are just settling into your new home. Have you thought of installing a security system? Hope you find your kitchen dishes soon.

sharyn - get well soon!!!!

tambra - welcome You are in a very difficult situation. Just the fact you are caregiving two people is a huge burden. I am sorry about the loss of your sister. Having a dysfunctional sib adds much to your burden. Can you get some help - home care or such? It sounds like it is all too much for you and it will only get worse as they decline further. Anyway, come back and vent any time. Annoying sibs are VERY aggravating!

book - that must have been scary, I leave front and back porch lights on at night and the neighbour has a motion activated light which goes on when anyone comes up their or our driveway. The neighborhood has been so safe though there was one break in around the corner some years ago He ran into the bush and the RCMP tracked him with a dog and caught him. We have a low crime rate compared to the rest of the province and the country as a whole.

Still waiting for the dr to call back. I need to recover from this trip before planning the next one. Need to contact my sister to let her know that mother has declined. Can't count on my niece as a go between now with the trouble between them. So much for spending a quiet winter here. Need to get some jobs done before I go south again, The best laid plans of mice and men...Sigh!

Glad - scary experience to hear pounding door in the middle of the night. Happened once to us. I slept in the sofabed in the livingroom with bedridden dad in his hospital bed near the louvred windows facing the front porch. There was this very authoritative knocking on the door. I woke up and sat up suddenly staring at the door. We didn't have a security screen door - just the wooden livingroom entrance door from the front porch. I looked at dad. He was awake and staring at me with wide eyes. Thank goodness this was the one time he did not automatically call out his usual: "Come in!" As the pounding kept on, we just stared at each other.... I found out that night that I'm one of those wimpy people you see in those horror movies - who freeze when they're scared... Glad, I don't think a single thought popped into my head to call 911! I was so scared, everything froze - even my thought process.

I'm glad you're safe and sound. And that your neighbor will also be keeping an eye out on you. And vise versa, especially with a little kid.

Lowes sells some paper blinds $4 you just stick them up on the windows temporarily-especially for move-in days. I kept mine up on one window for extra sun relief, about a year. (They are fan-folded), and look so much nicer than sheets!

Now, I probably won't sleep now. knocking, knocking, shining flashlights in through my uncovered Windows, knocking ringing bell, knocking... Scared me to death! Very brazen burglar if that is what it is. Called the sheriff, it is deputies at my door, then wonder what did I do? Dispatch asked me to open the door to talk with them. Oh, poor Ming scared to death too, off to a hiding spot.

There is a car parked in the street by the side of my house. A neighbor called because he saw someone run between the houses. Looking for the owner of the car, belongs on a street that has a terrible reputation. His car being here? Very strange.

The neighbor that called sheriff came to the door earlier tonight with caramel corn and cookies to introduce herself and her five year old son. She asked if I was married. Probably went home and told husband that I am single. So, they are watching out for me.

Sheriff has not found him, wonder if he worked on the house. Call contractor in morning.

Ugh... where do I even begin... I am the last of three daughters. My oldest sister died last month after a long battle with lung and kidney cancer. My middle sister... This is so hard... we hadn't spoken over thirty years, her choice, because of my life choices like marrying someone who wasn't white. She quit speaking to my parents about twenty years ago because of her own screwed up reasons.

My husband and I live with my parents taking care of both of them because mom is in congestive heart failure and dad has Alzheimer's. Since my oldest sister's funeral, my other sister has been wanting to be friendly, but in a really diffident kind of way. She keeps apologizing for asking questions to me on Facebook, and acts as if none of the cutting off was done by her, as if, for some reason people just exited her life rather than her being... well, I can't say what I want to on this.

Anyway, she's a nurse and she's infinitely more qualified to take care of my dad than I am. I'm a dog groomer, give me an aged pet and I can work wonders humans are completely different. Also, my job is already very physical and when I have to come home and take care of dad I just get too exhausted. So back to my sister: I'm trying not to feel resentful about her wanting to give me advice, because I really do need it, but just the way she plays her "poor little me" game irritates me no end. I don't really need advice. I just really wanted to vent to get this off my chest.

Back to work tomorrow, I still have boxes everywhere. DD1 was here Saturday afternoon and part of the day Sunday to help with boxes. Maybe I told you all that already. But, still many boxes to sort through. Have not found my kitchen dishes yet, but I did find my teapot. So, I can have my cup of tea in the morning before returning to work.

And next week is a three day weekend, which I really need. Will try to do a bit each night.

duck - try to build more quiet, less stressful times into your life. (((((((hugs)))))

needhope - I think you are wise to let them go. It is sad when families are so fractured, but we can't make it right. Your dd can contact them that she is sick or whatever. I have found the less I share with my narc sis the better life goes. The more space, detachment and boundaries, the better. Hope your dd is much better, That was very scary for you. Share your family news with trusted friends who can support you.

oreo - you are in a very tight space. Those holidays which may not materialize sound wonderful, but what a disappointment if you cannot have them,.You are still coping with the news of your mum's diagnosis which, understandably, is sending you into a tail spin. It is a time when we want to do things right, to set right whatever we can, but that may not be possible. It is all part of grieving what we know is coming. Breathe deep, be kind to yourself, give yourself some space to process your feelings.

sharyn - hope you shake that bug soon

glad - whoopee -you are in your new home!!! So happy for you.

Pamz - glad the funeral went well. These times can be difficult with dysfun fams.

Back home - tired and hopefully recovering from the big D . It started a few days ago but really hit me yesterday before I got the bus back home. Imodium to the rescue! Got off at the wrong bus stop which left me stranded on a street corner in the snow and wind. Thankfully middle son was on the way to pick me up as I called him when we hit town. It is a new bus, as the greyhound has shut down. Now I have the hang of it for future trips. Get off at the end of the line and wait in the office for your ride. A sweet older lady, who also got off at the corner, checked to make sure I was OK. Her son came to pick her up and they would have given me a ride. That was heartwarming,

Mother is asleep most of the time. I tried to wake her yesterday but without success. But she does wake enough to take in some food. She doing better with liquids so if she doesn't take in much of her pureed food they blend it with liquid and also give her Ensure. She still likes her desserts. The LPN had asked the doctor to call me to update me on her condition. He called my home phone so I missed it and I will call him today. Mother's colour is better it was in the spring and the loss of 20 lbs has her looking more like she used to, but, without doubt, she is declining. Sleeping the rest of her time away is a kinder way to go than some and I would be relieved if that is what she does. I need to figure out how to spend more time there, and what times of day are best to get her awake,

Winter is here with a vengeance. I have to go out today and am not looking forward to it,

A quote from one of the works of Don Marquis is apt here -
Cheerio My Deario (By ARCHY THE COCKROACH)
talking with Mehitabel the alley cat.

"butwotthehell
archy wotthehell
its cheerio
my deario that
pulls a lady through"

Take care all

Needhope said it perfectly about a visiting home caregiver's responsibility to the clients. That sounds what I thought it is.

Oreo, I was going to comment to your first comment but decided to read the other comments first. In our large family, we have been known to celebrate Thanksgiving or Xmas the day before or after the holiday. It felt strange but due to work schedules or other in-law obligations, my family was the more flexible ones. I like CM's advise about celebrating the holiday with breakfast rather than dinner. Taking inappropriate designated leave of absence is not good. They will know why you're really off on those dates. You will become 'unreliable.' I'm not sure if a competitor company would want to hire a lying (false reason leave excuse) and 'not a team player' (as in Nov/Dec is the busiest time) into their company.

Starting today, why don't you start buying little trinkets or outings or share a poem/song/movie with your mom? You don't have to wait until it's xmas. Start making each day precious with your mom by doing/sharing things with her. It's the little things that count. One day, visit mom with her favorite flower (it could be just one or 2 stem flower.) My ex-bf got me a rose. Whoop-de-doo. My bosses visited me after my surgery and brought a very very small flower arrangement. It touched my heart 150% more than that rose. Why? They brought flowers that had some purple blossoms. My favorite color was purple. I still treasure that gift up to this day. Those little purple flowers beat that rose hands down! See, it's the little things that touches the heart... =)

Margeaux, I'm not familiar with IHSS rules/policy. I do know that here on island, the gov't caregivers uses their own vehicles to visit clients. I also know that they perform light housekeeping (note: light), do not do finger/toe nail trimmings, etc... I also know that they can do shopping for their clients. I never really asked any of them How they go about doing this. But I'm assuming that they buy the stuff for the clients and bring it to them with the receipt.

If I were working for them, I would hesitate in using my car as transportation for the client. If I got into an accident, they can sue me! It's one thing - if I'm using company vehicle to take clients to the store but my own car? Heck no! I assume your car insurance covers your passengers? Does it also cover if you're using your vehicle for business purposes? I recall reading my insurance policy which I mentioned at enrolment that I only use my car for personal use. I'd read the fine prints of your insurance policy just to make sure it also covers when doing business related stuff.

Oreo, holidays and birthdays do not have to be celebrated on designated days. My entire life holidays and other celebrations with family are often combined and observed on different days to try to accommodate as many schedules as possible. Would mom want you to risk your job to see her on the specific day? Don't quit or risk losing a job until you have another.

You can still have a special day with mom on a day that will work for all. You have given up a trip for her. What else are you willing to give up? What would she want you to give up?

NeedHope been there, but a bit different Twisted sis1's son at the age of 21 had a stroke, two years ago now. I was mom's and her hubby's caregiver for four years. During that time, it was constant onslaught from both twisteds who had formed quite the dysfunctional bond. Everything from APS reports by them for how I was exploiting them (TS2 was mom's POA and knew there was no exploitation) to constant harassment. Their goal? Who knows. I was never notified and only found out by mistake. Even my kids kept the secret.

Then stepdad was hospitalized quite ill and I was not notified until it was thought he would pass within a couple of days. That was by his daughter who had also joined the band of dysfunction. I was living 450 miles away by that point, but drove the following morning to see him. When I entered his room he looked at me with astonishment and asked what took me so long. He and I had become quite close. When I told him I had just found out and that the dysfunction continued he was obviously very hurt by his daughter and my twisteds. Heck I wasn't even listed as a family member on his hospital contacts. He fixed that during my visit. TS2's excuse for such vindictive behavior? She thought I may have changed my cell phone number! Really! But, that was the way it was.

So, yes your daughter is capable of notifying who she wants and her health is her business and hers alone until she decides differently.

You are not the first to go through this and most certainly will not be the last.

Sigh. There's no need for your mother to guilt or force you into doing anything if you're happy (and relieved?) to do the job for her.

1. Tidy up your CV.
2. Have a little browse around job sites and see if anything appeals to you.
3. Send out some feelers with a view to a 'new year new career' change - I suppose that could be January or February, then, couldn't it? Depending on which new year you pick :)

But *meanwhile*. You could take your mother flowers on her birthday and have breakfast with them, instead. You could ask the family to arrange the dinner on the adjacent weekend, or your nearest day off. All I mean is, that if the Perfect Plan A - big birthday dinner on the day itself at 6:00 pm sharp - isn't working, there are plenty of other options besides resenting your job.

Look. Illness may have caused changes in your mother, she may have changed her perspective, you do want to store up good memories - I do get it, I promise. But a bit of me, and I suspect part of you, is groaning "oh come ON! You're not falling for that one, are you?!" I hope that part is excessively cynical and it does turn out that this phase of your relationship with your mother and the rest of the family is positive and lasting. But don't let your guard down.

dear countrymouse

I know where you are coming from, I really do.

But actually I wanted to spend time with her on her birthday (and for Christmas and my own birthday) out of my own choice. I just don't want to regret not having spent those last special occasions we have while I still had the chance. She really isn't trying to guilt me into this or force me into this.

My work hours are also usually from 11AM-8PM, so a family dinner after work for her birthday is also pretty much not a feasible option when my dad usually wants to go to sleep by 9PM and they usually all eat their dinner at around 6PM.

Honestly, when it comes to my company, they're not that fantastic to work with either. Our turnover rate is atrocious, our salaries are stagnating, and our work hours are extremely family-unfriendly. At least half the colleagues I knew have left in the past 4 years and replaced by new people who will then usually also quit within 2 years. I have had a different boss every year too in the past 4 years. We have 12 hour long shifts on weekends, we have to work 4 public holidays out of the 11 we have in a year, we even have to BALLOT to be able to take time off for Lunar New Year (I had one colleague who did not manage to go back to his parents in his hometown in Malaysia for 7 Lunar New Years because of this reason)...

I've tolerated all that nasty sounding shit so far because yes, the company needs to do what it can as a retail business to maintain profits blah blah blah, but more importantly my husband and I could match our schedules and we got lots of travel days in return. Now it has come to a point that I am coming close to throwing my resignation letter with a big fat middle finger. I know I can get a job easily with a competitor company.

At this point of time, how I wish my mom was a horrible person that I could hate, I wish I could still hate her with all my core. But the problem is that she's not. Perhaps it would be easier for me if I could still hold on to all the hate and resentment I had. But now when the anger is gone it's just a crushing sadness of the things I'm gonna lose. I wonder, would it hurt more losing something that you've never had, versus something you've had for just a short period of time, versus something you've had all your life? I'm the middle one now. I enjoyed my family, finally feeling like it was a normal, happy, functional family for just two years (since I moved out)... and now it's going to be gone? If God exists, he is seriously a cruel one.

Hugs, Oreo.

Ahem. Do not crap on your hard worked-for career with a reputable company so that you can spend the entire day on your mother's birthday. Go to work, and then go to see your mother after that.

Sheeeeeessshhh, those FOG tentacles. They work into every corner of your soul.

Why is it necessary that your mother's birthday should claim every hour of that day? It is an important day. You want to spend time with her on it, and mark it properly. Of course.

But how does that require you to blot a good work record? You are a good, professional employee. The company has legitimate business needs which you fully understand. And they needn't stop you respecting your mother's claims.

Don't you see that if you "pull a sicky" you are sacrificing your professionalism on the mother altar? Your mother's birthday is important. Your mother is important. Does that mean that *nothing* *else* can be permitted to be important?

I'm picking on this subject precisely because it's only a little detail in the whole picture. One tiny step at a time.

Deal with what is in front of you. The much bigger issues, the diagnosis and prognosis - and your LIFE!!! - just keep repeating "time will tell."

I'm glad for her and for you that she's doing well at the moment. Time will tell.

Hello all... I'm back here again.

So since my previous post, I've been meeting my mom (the one with probable Creutzfeldt-Jakob disease) and my dad just once or twice a week while working the rest of the time. Since I don't stay with them, I only see them on my off days.

In the past few weeks I've just numbed all my emotions about her diagnosis and my thoughts of my childhood living with her narcissism. I tried to live life like it was before this shit all started. Not wanting to think about the future, or of my mom's disease and all that.

Honestly, a tiny part of me still wishes somewhere that the diagnosis is wrong--hey, it's November; her symptoms according to her started in May, but she's still completely functional to us at this stage. The only signs of "progression" to me is that she claims her memory is worse, and her reading / typing / writing is getting worse. These issues DO correlate to the parts of her brain that are affected in the MRI. But still doesn't quite sound like a "rapidly progressive dementia" where 90% die within 6 months to 1 year of symptoms starting, right?

I'm still wishing that we will reach May next year and she will still be the same and then the doctors will say "oh we don't think it's CJD anymore!".
I'm still wishing that her complaints of her symptoms worsening are just her trying to get attention. I would be happy if that were the case.

But I know the statistics of what we saw in the MRI (90% accuracy in diagnosis)... and I know things can change very suddenly when CJD progression occurs. So now it's just easier when I don't think about any of it at all.

Now I'm crying after so many weeks of feeling OK because my husband and I (we both work in the same company) tried to apply leave for next next week as it would be her birthday. And it got rejected because our roster master says there will be a lack of manpower (a lot of pharmacists like to go on leave in Nov & Dec and we can't all go or there's no one to run the stores).

It's not like I have the luxury to plan and take my leave in advance like in the past. My husband and I used to plan and apply for our leave half a year in advance for the past 4 years working in this company, and we did the same this year... until all this happened. Since my mom's diagnosis in late July, my husband and I have had to cancel a 21 day trip to Russia (forfeiting our visa for that as well), and we were desperately holding on to the leave days from that trip in case of any emergency (because with CJD, things were SUPPOSED to progress very quickly?!)

We cleared some leave days for the family trip in October and I was hoping to be able to use the remainder for more family trips. Now that my family has decided NOT to go on any more family trips, I thought of clearing the leave for special occasions (like my mom's birthday, and my own coming up in December), but here is this shit that the November and December slots for leave are fully taken up. Plus our company policy is that we are not allowed to carry our remaining days forward to the next year.

Crying at my desk while writing this now and I just can't stop. After weeks of feeling normal again and successfully escaping reality, I am now reminded again about how my life has been thrown upside down, that I cannot plan for any of the overseas trips that I used to live for (I wanted to go to South America in 2019 and I don't see how that's going to happen now), that my future ahead is shrouded completely in thunderclouds.

My bosses ARE aware of my mother's condition. I have just asked if it is possible for us to have an exception this time for my mom's birthday. If they say no, then fuck them and I will just go see a doctor to get medical leave on that day. I am also supposed to work on Christmas Day--I am probably going to just take medical leave that day too. Same for my birthday that is just a few days before Christmas. After all, statistically it is highly unlikely that my mother will be still around for all that next year.

Yesterday I found out my daughter is in ICU- She had high fever - a very bad case of the flu- she is doing better today and getting moved to acute care. I am flying out there for a couple of days ... haven't seen her in a long time at least two years before I became Mom's care provider....
I have felt sad ....remembering I would have been on the phone right away in past times with my sister and brother ...telling them what is going on with my daughter...But now since they don't want anything to do with me ... I felt weird about calling them. I asked my daughter if she had called either of them and she said no, and that she never talks to them any more that it didn't even cross her mind. I asked her if I should call them and let them know, but she didn't want me to. My sister tends to want to take over and can cause a lot of upset and when Mom was in the rehab after falling my brother showed up drunk ...very dysfunctional ...She and her husband are both so exhausted - she had a very close call almost died ... They said they hadn't thought to call anyone except someone to watch their dog. Just glad they called me ! Somehow I feel this is a defining moment with my two siblings. They both have expressed that they don't want anything to do with me ... So maybe this is how it will be from now on ? It has been a lot less stressful since they aren't talking to me...in the past when ever there was a rift I would bend over backward to get things worked out with them...but now I am too tired and can see that it is sort of better with out all the roller coaster rides they bring. This time I have just let it be....if they don't want me in their lives because Mom wants to leave me her little broken down trailer ... which she can''t anyway since it's in joint tenancy with my brother....I am just feeling really kinda sad. I was in home health for 26 years ... so I know the pay I would be getting as a cna and besides doing the case management ...but they don't get that. So I am just feeling sad tonight feeling the loss of what I never had anyway - a brother and sister who cared about me. I have some real friends who have been in my life 40 some years...and they have been there for me and not treated me with the abuse and disrespect I have gotten from my brother and sister. So I think this is the way it will be now... I will stop pretending that my brother and sister are there for me and my daughter, because they really aren't and never have been...at least not since she was about 14. Shes in her forty's now. So- she can decide on her own if she wants them to know whats going on in her life and I am going to just not insist she involves them ... Part of me thinks that I should call them...but it always turns into a nightmare. Just feels sad.

I had a good few days off. Thank goodness there was no crazy drama, except that I over slept and missed my mothers meals delivery. I was a tad upset with myself because that night as I watched my shows to put myself to sleep I kept thing to check my alarm. It was set for every Saturday, and had I checked I wouldnt have missed the meals.

It felt funny but good having no events this weekend. I did a lot of U tube and check out a lot of things. So, I am thinking of getting a moldavite stone which is supposed to be one of the best ones.

I was lucky enought to work with some bad butt spiritual women who exposed me to gem stones, and colors and other things. It spiked my interest on top of my serious investigation of herbs to treat the lymphedema in my leg.


Anyway some how or another I started checking out the maldavite stones. I always loved ameythest, and toumaline. I had tourmaline earrings once and I immediately notioce how things changed in a good way. Of course I lost them.

So it seems maldovite helps clear the spirt the mind and the body. And brings about positive change. Lots more but good stuff from several different sources. I hope I luck out with a genuine one.

Wishing you all rays of peace and love.

Greetings to all. I hope everyone. I hope you are all in a good place.

Sharyn, I hope you feel better soon.
Golden, all I can do is give it my best. I see a lawyer this week and will get the real deal on possiblities. Main priority is a home attendant.

Panz, seems like things went smoothly I am happy for you.

Glad, you sound so organized. Hope the move went well.

Stacey, I wish you the best in selling your house. and much more in finding a new dwelling.

Ali, I hope all is well with you.

Frazzeled, I hope all is well.

Book, thanks for the advice, its helped.

Pam, glad the day went well with a nice turn out. We are having a lot a drizzle rain here.

I am sick still/again now adding in bronchitis. I went to urgerent care earlier this morning. Now I’m taking an antibiotic, a steroid and using an inhaler. Ugh!