The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Gershen, good luck to you in the job hunt. I window gazed as I rode bus downtown for fridge. I saw a resuratant and thought this must be a nice place. My admiration grew when I saw an older woman waitress. I thought of that when I read a post stating certain franchises hire older people. I am quite sure with all the good advice you post that you will be an asset where ever you chose to go.

Also, I am done with my sister and about to be done with my nephew. I text him to stick a fork in me I was done. So many betrayals, and ugly from my sister, with me programmed to take care of her while she sits onher arse. Same with my mother. Its so amazing to see the same words and themes come out of my nephew who is mimicking his mother that my mother used to say and do. The scary part is that I am like a volcano ready to errupt with this. My prayers, and grace from God, and common sense helps. But sometimes I feel like I will blow up so I am glad they avoid me like the plaque.

Cmag, my thoughts are with you. I guess lots of backlash has to be cleared during this difficult time. I had never heard of the bond thing. Sounds like a lot of money and it was paid for you. You deserve to keep it all for your self its yours with your name, no one elses. You dont have to share this part of your father..

Book, like you said this is the dysfunction thread. Sorry you had issues with sister. Sometimes I forget you and certain others are going through the same dysfunction with the solid good advice you give and the encouragement. You spend a lot of posts being sportive and helping us. I will read your post and cry with you and my heart will be with you in your pain or distress. I can not express how you have significantly stopped a spiral I was on by one or two sentences that still resonate that still come to my mind and make me feel victorious over the insanity.

Countrymouse, When I saw the number two I chuckled. I would keep that dag on check. They probably owe you much more than that just in usasge not necessarily monetary.
Frazzled, I hope all is well with you and your mother.
Sharyn I hope all is well.
Hi Ali, I guess you are all settled in your new place. I cant wait to be in that "place" where you are.

The truth is that I know I am leaving, fix up where I am now, run a line to my floor for a fridge. Get bathroom fixed up on my floor, put fabulous locks on doors. move when the apartment comes and keep my space. Its a whole lot to think about much less do. And a major part of the movement is me getting my room straight. I make progress and then its like I dont care, whats the point. Then as I get to working I see its nots so hard. I just need the motivation. I am a go getter once I set my mind. Its like I dont care. Its like I have to learn to love myself. I will go down there and sweep and beautifully mop those floors but wont find time to focus on my own spot. Yup I see it, cant process it though for some reason.

I thank you all for baring with these long posts and absences. Sometimes I want to post but I just dont have it in me. Sometimes I dont want to relive this mess I live. Then other times I need, I mean really need to let it out.

Oh and Glad, I am still loving to hear about your progress in house. Glass tile! whew. That blue sounds pretty. Sounds like you have a collection. It also sounds like it will all have a lovely flow. How did the maple wood selection work out.

Forgive me please if I missed something. I am not all caught up. I tried though.

Its so nice to come back here. Its like I am in a room visiting with some real serious, honest, and good people. I dont laugh often. In fact a genuine chuckle and laugh is hard to find for me. But here I get that chuckle, I get that laugh, sometimes I even share it with others and laugh. But for sure everything I read and learn here resonates though my life.

Okay so if you can bare with me a tad longer. I want to share that learning about narcisssim and now codependence is helping me deal with my issues.
Therapist gave me assignment to watch Melanie Beattie "Codependent no more".
Its awesome, I am not finished but after hearing certain things over and over in different ways it begans to become clear. So very very true, and so very helpful so far.

Also Pia Mellody on codependncy.
As I learn I grow stronger.

The good thing is that I realize my mistake in not believing my mother and my sister when they showed me who they were. A few years in but now I believe him too! so I try to avoid as much commucation unless absolutely necessary.
It still behooves me when I am off how I clean and cook and then when my sister is off she continues to straight up stairs when she comes in. Leaves her coffee and a mcd breakfast sausage and pancakes. Which i often find on table. att least now she cuts the pancakes. Last years I was so tired of cleaning syrup spills in fridge amonsgt other spills. Scrubbing syrup off table where it dried or off the floor.

Anyways, it me or them. I'm not trying blow a fuse with my pressure fluctuating. Sometimes when my nephew text me I feel like some one is choking the s#$% out of me my head gets so tight.

I have been thought all that maybe its me s%^& I did it with my mother and my sister. Im putting an end to it. Anything I ask or say is reasonable.Can you ask doctor for a script for ensure. Can you ask doc to refer her to podiatrist. she needs a home attendant. fix the door. The ignorance and malice is sickning. I have applied for a lot of complexes being built here in NYC the rentals are based on income and unfrtunately a lot of times I am over the highest bracket or under the lowest income bracket for eligibilty.

Mean while the refrigerator molding is off again. Its still fressing things and I should have a new one coming in sometime next week.Once they process the paper work I can pick and or upgrade. I am going for a whirlpool this time. The fridgedaire is mostly all they had in top freezer, plenty of double door higher priced fridges. Guy says next day delivery. Stainless steel is 100 more than the black one. contract is more also. Well I hope the gate is properly fixed by time of delivery.

I have to find my keys to the upstairs doors. Luckily I made copies when I got my mothers keys once when she was acting up.. Anyway the ones i have tried are not working. Meanwhile I told nephew I need copies. I could not lock gate because it does not close properly and key could break in lock. If i find my keys I can use door upstairs to come and go and just use gate to throw out garbage. If I dont get copies or cant find mine I will have to change the locks which will be expensive but if I have to I will. I will do a good search my days off. He had some one come and half ass weld a brace to door and screw to stoop but the door doesnt close properly. I dont know if its temporary or what.

So I made a nice dinner friday. Made my cheese bisuits in convection oven broke the timer. When I went to take care of fridge buisness I saw they had the convection oven contract so I just have to bring it in. I had kept box like the man said but couldnt find reciept. so I was a happy camper when I saw that picture on the screen. I go back to put in order when they process paper work.

Hi All! I have just finished trying to catch up. A lot happens on this thread in four or five days. Then had on my mind for quite a while to respond to older posts.

Golden, I hope your sinus issue is better and I wish you all the best in coping with the situaton with your mother. I know as much dysfunction I have with my mother if you stick her with a pin I feel it. So I can imagine the toll on your heart. I how much worse it can be on top off past losses. My heart is with you always I admire your strength.

I have always been the strength and support for my family and friends. I'd be there solid and strong. After so many loses, I cry and hurt easy, now and I feel worn and torn and then I spoke to my friend O who was my prayer partner at one time and the conversation ended with him saying I was stronger in a different way. After I was like, no! I cant handle stuff like I used to . Then I thought about it. He was right.

I admire your strength. I see myself there at some point.

I take bp meds for many years. I have uncontrolled HTN at times. after finally seeing a cardiac specialist. (this was after I moved back in my mothers house with her and my sister, I kept getting threatened with admission to hospital if my pressure did not go down. so I had to sit in office for a while after medication.
anyways the cardiaologist after some trial and error put me on three meds. The third family of meds makes me itch for some reason so I only take two different meds one of which he says they can keep increasing if needed. so I just take an extra pill adjust my diet and salt. So far its a lot better more like my normal high. I bouhht one of those one dish instant mash potato pouch. Dang! it was delicious , I didnt eat the whole thing but enough to trigger a blow up which is just comming down. My bigh problem is the diastolic or bottom number.

Oh and Golden, you were right on point with exerciseing the foot. I have been reading up on this issue and it does help. I ordered a foot spling for sleep I still dont think I got it right but it helps a little. Plus cod liver oil. it helps in healing.
Still have the heel pain, it up and down. Funny, now the hip pain and knee not listening to my demands is gone. Amazing. Thank goodness these things take turns. Sometimes its scary.

Oreo, that scapegoat stuff is very painful. Its also so riduculous. The gatedoor under the stoop is falling in. coming apart from stoop normal wear and tear, not to mention my mother always used a shover to brace against the wall to the gate for extra protection. So lots of times even having the key to open gate I had to ring bell to get it was obvious that the tension would cause erosion at the attachment. It even cased erosion in the door at the point of where she put the handle. But of course someone is trying to steal the gate now. Then the house has become a target. There are two main doors one is wooden which is the one we need a key to get in and out of. When I briefly started just leaveing gate unlocked but closed when I started running errands. There was markings that some one was scraping to door. The blinds are open mostly in the summer and you could look right in. There is really nothing in the house. The larger flatscreen is broken that was gone when I came from trip to Korea and the old large heavy tv is back.. There i another medium sized flat screen in kitchen. Nothing else. Anyways, I was in house when I hear this noise like someone slammed a door real hard. I ran to window to see who was leaving or coming in and saw no one. I went back in hall waiting an listening to hear a key turn. There are 6 people who have keys. Noone was there. When I left out to run errand I could barely open or close gate. So anyways I text nephew about door and tell him I cant wait to see how he and his mother figure me into it. Other than that I see he has same gene that my mother and sister had. Either that or he is stuck on stupid like I was for most of my life.

cmag - glad you are safely home. People can open their mouth and put their foot in it at these times, Maybe stopping by your mum's grave after the Ohio service would be a good thing for you, Take care.

Well, I am back home from the first memorial service. One comment that I could have done without was hearing my step-sister tell me that she is glad that my mom left my dad so that she could meet my dad. Truth be told, he was nice to her, but her mother was mean to me and her mother was mean to my dad.

I learned that the bond that dad paid down was $5,000 for each visit which he got back after the visit.

I just looked up the current inflation value of the $5,000 bond that my dad had to put down each time he visited me as promise money that he would bring me back.

The current value of $5,000 from back then is 41,363.09

I almost stopped by my mom's grave to tell her what I think of what she did, but decided I wanted to get home more. Maybe on the trip back from Ohio for I pass very near the cemetery.

glad - thx -getting there. I am hoping that the next communication with the NH will report an improvement. So far the nice weather is holding. I don't do politics well either. Re the back splash -maybe a certain colour of light bulbs would tone down the blue. I guess a delay in closing is inevitable.

gershun, thx, doing better- I hoped for years that things would work with my sis and mother, but finally kept getting hurt so decided I would accept how people were and act accordingly -keep my distance. I can't say there is much I miss about my family except for my dad who has been gone 40 years. Volunteering sounds like a good idea. I have always enjoyed it,

cm - my sis keeps up the front too - the appearance of being interested in a relationship when, in fact, she isn't. But she is interested in having me around to play her games. I have opted out. You have such a interesting (challenging) social life! That was a lot of annoyances. You did right by cashing the cheque.

cmag - glad the service went well. Have a safe trip tomorrow. Obviously the visits with you were very important to your dad. Itshould be good for you to see your cousins at the Memorial mass. Sorry you are feeling lonely. You may for a while.

fraz - I hope mother's pain is under better control. Yes it is stressful. We are the ones who are overseeing their care and strive to do a good job. Sometimes I feel quite helpless. I know you are going through worse. BTDT. It was an awful time and my sis was in there supporting mother's inappropriate ideas. Re holidays we have had to develop our own traditions too and they change as the kids grow up and have their own families. Our whole home life when I was a child was drama, fighting, tension. tension. tension - walking on eggshells. Horrible. Sounds like they are getting a plan for your mum. I hope the financial mess gets sorted soon. An NH specializing in people with mental illness sounds good for me. It really worked well for mother.,

sharyn - that was very sensible of you and sounds like your sis to try to fix things. I learned to leave mother when she started on a rant. There was no benefit to staying and lots of grief.

Bedtime here - take care all. Be good to you.

Gershun, after I got married, I would leave my family get together when I felt the tension rising. I could always tell by remarks my mom wou,d start saying. I avoided being there when all he!! Broke lose. For some reason my sister always stayed. She said she thought she could fix the situations.

Ah, so much to ponder here. First off, Magnum, I'm sorry you are sad. It's going to take time. Hang in there.

When we had Mom's little service at the park, I think I was still in a daze to be honest. My one sister said, "I didn't see you crying" Well no, partially cause I had arranged the service and was hoping it would go off without a hitch, or my B I L acting like an ass as he is wont to do. He generally brings a case of beer with him where ever he goes so I was thankful that didn't happen. In fact I requested that my narc sis serve only beer and nothing stronger so that no one would resort to their baser nature at the lunch at her place afterward. Plus, I think I'd cried so much by then that my tear ducts weren't working properly. I don't usually cry in public. I've always been the type to go off by myself somewhere and bawl.

Countrymouse, going out and making friends with strangers is the last thing on my list right now to be honest. As much as I feel I need to get out, I'm not the type to join or go up to a stranger and chat. I have been applying for part-time positions etc. and am also going to possibly look into volunteer work of some kind. Then, hopefully, I could make some new friends that way.

I think one of the reasons I always feel defeated after family occasions isn't just because of narc sis but also cause I'm always hoping this time will be different. You'd think I'd of learned by now.

Countrymouse,

My dad paid that bond and got it back once a month for 14 years plus other times when he visited me.

Banked it! Ha!

Still blushing.

CMag the "make sure you bring him back" bond sounds like a lawyer's suggestion to me. Unless one is a lawyer, or a keen watcher of Tarantino films, I don't think the idea of a bond would pop into one's head would it?

The the bond money was to make sure that my dad brought me back to my mom when he visited me. In my opinion and in her brother's opinion, she was just making it more difficult for Dad to be able to visit me.

Agree with Fraz. Deposit the check CM, if you must do so, give them the difference.

CM, about the check, I say, take it to the bank, cash it, stick the money in your purse, then forget about all of it :)

Golden - sounds like your mom is getting stabilized. Hope the pain meds help her and continue to improve her appetite. I'm glad you've been able to feel more at rest with everything, I know it is stressful.

CMag- What was the bond for? It would have been lot back in the 60s, especially. The gift to your Godchild sounds special, I bet it will be treasured. Thinking of and praying for you over the next few days.

Gershun- I know what you mean about longing for the family closeness that will never be. I have gone NC with some family on mom's side; others, it's hey, how are you, every now and then. Holidays we either spend just us and the kids or with my husband's family. Although, since they live out of state, we can't always make it. I hated the holidays growing up and for a long time as an adult because there was always stress, fighting, drama, etc.

Since I went NC and started creating traditions that were important to me and our little family here, that are just ours, not other people's that we for years felt compelled to follow, I actually now look forward to the holidays as they are much more peaceful, at least most of the time, unless we have mom drama going on.

It does feel lonely sometimes, but I'm not good at faking it either. I'd rather spend time with a few that are dear to me than with a bunch of people I don't like.

CM- Reading your story about your ex-MIL and her mom made me sad. It is true that even someone who is narcissistic can get hurt sometimes, and that it's really hard to watch. I see it with my mom and her mom, and it's a thing in my family with the women trying to please mothers who can't/don't know how/didn't love them like they needed or couldn't be the mom they needed. *Raising hand here too* Your MIL was, in that moment, like the little girl trying desperately to please her mother. I'm trying to be to my daughters the mom I needed but didn't have. It's the only way I know to break the cycle.

Speaking of mom, she was discharged yesterday back to her facility. They had mentioned possibly waiting until next week, but I guess the doctor felt that she was stable enough to be released already.

Her therapist there called me during the discharge planning process and said that she feels mom needs NH care, as she's not sure how long mom will be stable where she is with a lower level of care. She feels like sooner or later we will probably experience a repeat episode. I'm inclined to agree. I explained about my legal hurdles getting finances straightened out, all the trouble with my sister taking her savings and leaving her almost broke, etc. She advised that as soon as I can get it all straightened out, I should probably look into moving mom to a NH that specializes in people with mental illness. She gave me the name and number of a place not too far from here. Called and inquired about pricing, etc. I will keep that info handy for the near future. In the meantime, I hope she can thrive where she is for now, at least to buy us some time.

She did seem calmer when I went up there yesterday. Still had some paranoia but not nearly the agitation and nervousness as before. She did actually go down to dinner and sit at the table with some other ladies and socialize, which is good. Time will tell. Still cautiously optimistic, but without getting my hopes up too much.

I have a small headache. Small but annoying. The annoyances are numbered.

A month ago #1, against my better judgement if I'm honest #2, I was coaxed into accepting an invitation to my SIL's home in London #3 for dinner and an overnight stay #4.

I expected there to be a certain amount of rolling up sleeves, washing dishes and waiting at table - always is, SIL is a loving but useless hostess - and made sure to get there early enough to help.

I didn't quite expect that she would have thought that one leg of lamb would feed fourteen people. Buttoning my lip, I put my coat back on and walked to the store that she claimed was just round the corner (round the corner and half a mile up a busy road in the rush hour #5, but I'm sure the exercise - should have seen me scuttle across that bus lane, life in my hands - did me good).

Walking back, in high heels #6, as much lamb as they'd had heavier and £18 lighter #7, I worked myself into a fine grump reflecting that I had let myself be wheedled into an evening that was proving expensive, uncomfortable and hard work and had no one else to blame. Humph, I thought. Drive 125 miles and buy your own dinner. Thanks a lot! And this was before my evil ex husband swapped the seating plan around when no one was looking and left me stuck with his mother all night.

SIL was very grateful for the lamb. She said I must give her the bill #8. She said she must look for her purse #9. I didn't care about the bloody bill #10.

I had just got over all this and genuinely forgotten it, when last week SIL calls my landline #11, then my cellphone #12, then my landline #13 in quick succession. I stop running from room to room and go outside for a cigarette and who can blame me. Now calm, I ring her back. Ah! There I am! She would like my address so that she can send me a cheque for the lamb. I say I will email it to her. No, she wants my postal address. Yes, I will email it to you. No, not your email address. No - I mean, I will type my postal address onto an email which I shall then send to you.

I did not say: if you think I believe that you can take down an address over the phone without making a prolonged hash of it then you have forgotten how long our acquaintance is.

Phewf. We move on. She tells me that she has booked her hotel room ready for my daughter's new wedding date. The new date is certainly news to me #14. Thanks for passing that on. She has bought her outfit for stepdaughter's wedding in February. It is a dress and jacket with a matching passionflower print, and matching shoes and handbag. [She is going to look like a happy triffid.] Have I bought my outfit? I have not. Mother of the bride! I am aware. Although I am unable to shake the feeling that the bride must think of me more as the bad fairy - when was she planning to let me know about the change of date and venue..?

I love my SIL very much. She is a good, loving and *clever* human being. She also at times makes me want to stick my head into a food disposal unit.

Today I have received a nice letter and a cheque for £30. Both are from my BIL.

Do I cash it and not worry that it's nearly twice as much as they owe me?
Not cash it, and feel aggrieved all over again?
Send it back and ask for another?
Frame it?
Hang onto it until I next see them and ask them to amend it?

I think I will try to forget it. All of it.

Also.

You can always hope, yes. But wouldn't it be better to hope for something you're more likely to like if you get it?

They say you can't choose your family, but you can choose your friends. You love your family very much, and always will, they're your family. But these do not seem to be individuals on your wavelength, people whose company you enjoy, people you can talk to and be at ease with. When it comes to good ways to spend your run-of-the-mill time and feel less alone, they're not going to do it for you. Not ever.

Not being a joiner-in myself, I know how difficult it can be to connect with others and you won't do that overnight. But you can make a start. You can't possibly be the only person in your community who would like to have a coffee with someone, or see a movie, or discuss a book. If you won't make a move for yourself, what about making it for the others near you who are also wishing they weren't on their own?

Gershun - we're only here for the trimmings! would be funny. But her making the dinner and nobody showing at all...

It's difficult. The rare occasions when a narc is hurt, with good reason, and can't disguise it are very hard for people of normal sensibilities to witness. Because we are normal, we can't bear to look. Even if, all said and done, the narc has only herself to blame.

It puts me in mind of my ex-husband's grandmother's birthday, the first year she was in a nursing home (various care options had been tried and come to grief). My prize narc MIL organised Champagne and sandwiches for her ever-glamorous mother, and issued a three-line whip invitation to close family, who dutifully assembled in GGM's room for the little party.

It was not one of GGM's good days, alas - things got thrown, ungrateful insults among them, and the whole scene might have had great comic value if it had been fiction. But it wasn't, and I saw MIL's desperation, and my stony grudge-laden heart went out to her.

The first Memorial Service for my dad went well. I took a photo board of photos of my dad with my mother and me and from selected trips down through the years plus photos of dad with my sons along with my elderly dad with his baby brother. I also brought a picture of his invention and of the diesile engine that his research and development department designed. My step-sister offered the picture boards that she had made. I took them and will use them in the room where everyone will gather after his Memorial Mass in his home church in Ohio.

The hospice chaplain was good and helpful, but he just kept talking and talking. Evidently, my step-sister asked him to read dad's obituary.

It was nice to hear my step-sister say that my dad did not treat her as a step-daughter, but as a daughter. That was not true of how her mother treated me for 35 years and my step-sister apologized for that when her mother died 5 years ago. My mother did not relate well and did not care to with her step-children. My mother's second marriage did not go well either. When I graduated from high school, she left to live at the beach house unless I was coming home to visit.

I learned today from my step-sister that my dad had to pay a $5,000 bond every month when he drove down to visit me. Think about how much $5,000 was worth back in 1961? My mom's side of the family has told me about that and how wrong they thought that was.

My dad has 49 nieces and nephews plus numerous great nieces and nephews in Ohio and nearby. He has one living sibling. He and my cousins with their families plus people who remember him in the area will come to that service. His Godchild and I will be doing the eulogy.

Since the obituary that my dad wrote was too long plus too expensive ($700) to publish in one paper in Ohio, I had the funeral home make a very short obituary for two of the Ohio papers and that cost about $350.

I am going to print my dad's full obituary with some editing for those who attend his Memorial Mass.

It is just too much to expect people in Ohio to drive to Maryland. I asked my relatives in Ohio and they all wanted the service in his home church. I drive back home on Sunday. Next Thursday, I leave on a two day trip to Ohio where his Memorial Mass will be on Saturday. We are anticipating about 75, if not more.

I'm thinking about taking dad's Godchild a special gift from what I inherited from my dad. My dad always took her a gift when he visited her family. I feel very lonely today.

CM, I rarely see my siblings to be honest. Once a year at Christmas and even then my one sister who lives out of town doesn't try to make the trip anymore since Mom died.

Last year at Christmas another sister and her family skipped Christmas as well. My narc sis who always has Christmas at her place said once "I'll keep on making the dinner and whoever wants to come can come" I sat up one night chortling to myself imagining her making dinner and people showing up, grabbing a to go plate and leaving. LOL, Can you imagine? Hell, she could arrange a little drive through window at her place and we could all nod at each other in passing as we drive away. LOL,

CM, I get what you are saying. I guess I've been feeling lonely, missing my Mom and hoping I could possibly fill the family void with my sibs. But, probably won't happen. Not in this lifetime anyway. I can always hope though.

Sometimes the like ticker will advance more than once when clicking it. I am usually able to see that someone other than me has liked a comment at the same time as I have.

Gershun, you do also have the option of giving it up as a bad job, you know.

The reason I find it easier to stick with this solution myself is that I am not nearly as like my mother as my sister believes. For years and years and years, more than ten anyway, most Sunday mornings my mother loyally visited her two sisters and had coffee with them. They met in the middle sister's flat.

My mother quite liked the middle sister. But the oldest of three, when all is said and done, was a right bitch. Crushing, cynical, bitter, and self-righteous. Sometimes descending to outright spiteful. My mother would sigh: "she *means* well..." and this was true. I'm sure my aunt did believe that she always had people's own good at heart. Most people do "mean well." But that does not mean that you have to put up with their company if you find them hurtful and depressing. Unfortunately I could never get mother to see that, and every Sunday she drove round there with her heart in her boots, believing she had to go.

My sister persists in sending me get in touch messages. Not often, it's not harassment or anything, but I am surprised that after a two and a half year silence she does not yet seem to have received *my* message that if I never see her again that'll be quite soon enough. Clearly, she thinks that if you have siblings you're stuck with them no matter what your aversion to their personality (she has never successfully hidden her aversion to me, though most of the time she wasn't even trying). I disagree. I think if repeated experience has shown that relationships with your siblings do not work, it is fine to wish them both well and a long way from your door.

You credit your people with too much power. You are free to select how you deal with them in any way you choose - including, if it suits you, not at all.

Odd, when I click on like it gives two likes. Anyhow............

Thank-you Golden, and you are right. My relationships with family probably won't change. I can always hope. I do believe in miracles. I don't know if I've ever experienced one but ya never know what kind of scraps God has gotten me out of that I was not aware of at the time. Anyway, hope you start to feel better.

Glad, I agree. I don't do good putting on fronts either. It wearies me. I'd rather just be quiet and risk being thought of as a fool than open my mouth and remove all doubt. Others in my family do the opposite most of the time. Everyone likes to drink too much and get loud. I don't drink much and when I do I get quiet, or even more quiet when I'm around them. One of my cats likes to look in mirrors too. My Hubs parents house has a skylight and he would cower every time he looked up and saw his reflection. He'd drag his belly across the floor like cats do when they get scared. Amusing.

Golden, take care of you. Hope mom's pain is controllable. Hope it stays fall for you. This week we have fall back, but it was so cold over the weekend that leaves just fell, not much color to them.

Magnum, must be difficult to see how dad's asset will be divided. My grandma passed before my step grandpa. She did not have much in assets. If she hadn't remarried there would not have been much there. Step grandpa passed and we were shocked that we were in his will to equally share his estate with his six children. Maybe it was a way for my grandma to provide for us since we lost my dad so young. Step grandpa was a very kind man. I have wondered how his kids felt about it. Never a hint of dysfunction, course they were about 1,000 miles away. I am not sure if I ever met all of them.

Fraz, how is mom?

I have read CM's post a couple of times, went right over my head! Maybe it is just too late for too much cerebral thinking.

Always remember, gershun, keep your friends close and your enemies closer. I prefer the detach method. I do not do well putting on fronts for the benefit of others. I do not play politics well either. Too inclined to speak my mind.

Well, light fixtures arrived. I only ordered two of one that I need. Maybe one will be broken. Returning with amazon is quite easy. And in this small town never a line at UPS. Love it here.

Backsplash in kitchen is in. It looks much bluer than I was expecting, thought it would look more grayish. Maybe it will tone down when I get some other items in the house. Get out my collection of blue bottles, very blue bottles, maybe that will make the tile look more grayish? Is there a way to tone down glass tile? Contractor has not built in this subdivision before. Waited too long to get natural gas run to house. This is the first indicator that closing may be delayed. Utility provider took 30 days to just get the request for natural gas processed. Water heater is in. Getting closer, but looks like completion will be delayed.

Ad this crazy cat has been using boxes to jump up on dresser. She has just found out what she looks like. Course the way she looks in the mirror I don't think she realizes it is her and not another cat. Cheap and free entertainment!🐱

gershun - nothing wrong with you. It's them. No one wants enemies, but sometimes you have them anyway and there is nothing you can do about it. Just be true to yourself. I doubt you can change the relationships.

sharyn thx - I think the sinuses are getting better. If I am not quite better I won't go. No point in going and getting worse,

fraz -how is your mum doing?

I called a nurse at the NH and asked how much mother was declining and if they thought she was approaching the end and she laughed and said, "No. she is amazing," The morphine is lowest dose and strictly for pain control. Then I asked if she had had any weight loss, but the RN didn't know, so I will ask the aide next time I talk to her. I asked the nurse abut her breathing and she said she hadn't noticed that it was laboured at all. Mother had a "china doll" complexion with lovely pink cheeks up until this year when she became pale. I do want to see how she is myself. If the dilaudid controls the pain better her appetite may improve. Pain does nasty things to a person.
Nonetheless, I called the funeral home and got some information emailed to me so I can discuss things with the kids and make a few choices. When I get down there, I can finalize arrangements. It is the place I used for my youngest son. Mother was there for his funeral and liked it. They have a nice viewing room which we will not use, a lovely chapel, a nice gathering area and beautiful grounds.. I doubt that there would be 15 people there as she has outlived most of her friends and alienated the others and there is not much family out west. Later I will arrange a memorial service in our old home town church down east and the urn will be buried next to my dad's in the local cemetery. There is more family in that area and some of them might come. I want to do the services properly. Mother liked "occasions" and these will be her last ones.

Feeling more at rest about it all now. Taking lots of cold medicine and hoping I can sleep better tonight.

It was a lovely fall day and the weatherman promises we will keep this weather for a while. I hope so!

CM you are such a riot! Seriously! I must admit I did have to read your post a few times to weed out the message you were trying to convey but it did make me laugh and I'm seriously laugh deprived these days so Well Done!

It does say in the Bible that being kind to your enemies is like heaping hot coals over their head. I know that's not exactly what it says but close I believe. The thing is I don't want enemies and I certainly don't want my siblings to be my enemies.

But, I will continue to try to do the right thing. I do believe if you want to make a situation better doing the right thing is mandatory. I know everyone has their own version of the right thing but I'm certainly not going to roll around in the muck with the dogs and rise up with fleas. I'll try to stay clean and flealess.

Thank-you all for raising my spirits with your kind responses. I'd truly be lost without this site and all you good people.

Cmag, very disappointing, I’m sorry. It’s so hard dealing with after life issues of our parents.

(((Hugs))) Gershun! It seems to me I see so much competitiveness between adult siblings. I don’t know if it’s inherent or what it’s cause. I agree with you, family should be a warm soft place.

Golden, I hope your mom’s pain can be managed quickly. You have a lot going on with your own health too. Hoping your trip will not be too taxing on your energy.

Gershun, I'm a bit prone to "knight's move" thinking so bear with me.

There is a *wonderful* tv series called 'Last Tango In Halifax' by the incomparable Sally Wainwright. A propos of nothing at all I can recommend it heartily, it's terrific viewing.

Anyway. Not to spoil the story, but there comes a point where one lead character (A) is extremely angry with another lead character (B), and this comes about just as B is about to marry her female fiancée. Being both angry and drunk, alas, A reflexively texts B "f*** you you mad dyke I hope you have a sh*t day."

Its being B's wedding day, B doesn't see the text until the following morning, when she and her (adorable) wife are lingering over their happy new memories. B and Mrs B are puzzled by the message, being completely ignorant of A's fury; and between them decide that, knowing A, it's most likely her idea of an affectionate joke.

So when A - now hungover, repentant and better informed - gets B's reply, it is...

"Thank you :)"

So Narc Sister decides to unload her catty gossip about Other Sister on you. This makes you sad, and depressed, and regretful. As you might well be if, for example, you'd stumbled over your choice of today's "man's inhumanity to man" making countless thousands mourn.

But how you *respond* to it makes all the difference. Ummm, e.g. "yes, and she speaks so highly of you too."

Find your own way to disagree with NS, and to behave as you think is right and kind. I know she thinks she's bigger stronger better richer more talented more stylish righter cleverer blahblahblah-er, and just going along with such people is an easy habit to form. But she's not *correct* about this, you know. You can make changes without her co-operation.

((((Hugs))))), Gershun. This mist be so painful.

I've watched this in DH's family. His mom talked alot about family unity but held long-standing grudges against various family members and gossiped with each kid about the others.

Not a way to teach your children to hang together.

Well, I'll post this here cause it is the dysfunction thread. I know you are all having your own health problems and then the continuous health concerns of your ailing loved ones, so I almost feel like I'm being a bit selfish posting this but anyhow.

So, I think I mentioned that my family got together for Canadian Thanksgiving. My narc sis was at it again. Talking over me, interrupting, making me feel small. I seriously don't even think she knows that she does it. It's so ingrained in her character. So I spent the next few days seething and feeling sad, frustrated, angry at her, angry at myself for taking it. But I've really been trying to be the bigger person. Turn the other cheek. Do the right thing. All that good stuff. So, she and her husband left for a holiday. I e-mailed saying have a good trip, stay safe. I know I probably sound stupid but I'm really trying here. Trying to keep relations with my not close family. She comes back with thank-you but then starts on about my other sister, trying to create a rift there.

It's so disheartening to always see my family members taking sides. Why do we have to take sides? Aren't we a family? Aren't we supposed to be on each others side? Am I naive? Am I just asking for trouble by being nice?

Some may ask, what's this got to do with care giving. But you see, my Mom's dying wish was we would be close as a family. I get so depressed when I'm around my siblings. It takes days for me to recover from a family get together. I always leave these events feeling isolated and alone and lonely. Just like I always used to feel when I was young. I used to think there was something wrong with me but I think there is something very wrong with my family. It's sad.

Anyway, just needed to vent. Thx for listening.