The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Well, one of the friendly aides at the NH called and the doctor saw mother today who expressed that she is in a lot of pain, so he prescribed Dilaudid (hydromorphone). I knew that was the next step for her pain control, and it also signifies another step down in her condition. I hate that she is suffering.

I am still troubled by the sinus infection, gut issues, sweats etc., but I need to get down there as soon as I can and see how she is. Her breathing was laboured in May, which I had never seen before. I suspect it is worse now, I also have to get to the funeral home and start making arrangements I know she is closer to the end and want to get some of that out of the way to make it easier for later.

Good news is that dd says my oldest grandson is doing very well. He has Asperger's. has a part time job and is planning on getting his own apartment. The job was project, but is now permanent part time and they have got him doing some computer work which he is good at.

cmag - doesn't seem fair. Hope you have a safe trip.

Take care all.

I saw a document from the bank today that showed how much more my step siblings are getting of my dad's IRA than I am. The only reason for this must be my step-mother's influence. She didn't like me and this is how it worked out. It's the principle of the thing that bothers me the most.

Tomorrow, I leave for my dad's first memorial service in Maryland where he lived since 1962.

The next week, I drive to Ohio.

Oreo, I know this will sound cruel. But it is a sort of silver lining.

If your mother's diagnosis is correct, it will make not a ha'porth of difference how skilled the care planning is. That would be like kitting a car out with airbags, seat belts and the latest side impact systems and then driving it at 200 mph into a concrete wall.

Perhaps spend a little time selecting agencies and service providers whose reputation you're happy with, to have on standby in case of need. Do this for you own peace of mind, mainly so that if you do find yourself unavoidably stuck with a task you are immediately able to delegate.

oreo - we virtually cross posted. Sounds like you have got it together! Not helping make any decisions as you will be blamed is great. Not that, in my experience, a narcissist can't blame you anyway but you will feel better about it. Well done!

glad - you are having fun??? Good luck getting the light fixtures sorted out.

oreo - Good, I wondered about CJD. That is serious and untreatable. Nobody can sort out how much of her behaviour is due to her personality issues, and how much is due to the disease, The fact is she is very difficult to deal with. You are first and foremost her daughter - never mind the health care professional. You are not alone in finding that the anger and resentment wells up easily again when again you are in close quarters with your mum. I have read it before here and experience it myself. I think it is highly unlikely that the old stuff will change. Your dad is right and he is the one in the position to act as regards your mum's care. Outside help is what is needed. Let go of the guilt and fantasies that things will be better this time and look after yourself. We will reinforce you keeping good boundaries!!!

fraz - . It took till age 96 for my mother to be diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. They didn't do anything to follow up. Later after a year in a geri psych hospital where she was diagnosed and finally accepted treatment she was transferred to an ALF that specialized in people with mental illnesses. I am in Canada - our systems are different from the US. Vascular dementia sounds like a possibility, Time will tell. I understand you being nervous re her facility. Hopefully the meds will work well enough for her to manage. "No!", is the answer to her moving to your home, For years I made it clear to mother that my home was not an option for her at any point. My jaw still drops when I hear "you are so lucky to still have your mother". I don't know what to say. I hear you about being a caregiver since very young. I am really tired of it, but I will do what has to be done. Sorry you have financial issues to deal with as well. Fortunately mother has a great financial adviser and has managed her money well. One day at a time is good, and so is praying. I do a lot of that.

duck -good to hear from you. Do you take BP meds? I have had heel pain and found that stretching my ankles in the am before I got out of bed helped a lot. It sounds like you are learning lots about narcissism which is good. Hope plans for moving out are coming together.

cm - very good points. Re Christmas in France, which you mentioned some time ago, surely your future mil is a seasoned enough hostess to have plans for the 5 days so that no one will get on anyone's nerves. Worst comes to worst you can hide in your room a lot and/or go for long walks.

sharyn - that is good progress for your bro and great that he will be closer to home. PT will be very good for him. Our temps are hovering around freezing -a little above this week thankfully. 60's sounds balmy to me.

cmag - doesn't sound like it was handled right. It will be nice for your family if you get something from it.

Well the bad news - not so bad but...is that the sweats are back. Not sure where they are coming from. Sinus is still not quite right, guts are a bit off or it could be the CFS or a combination. They are all things I can work on. The good news is that my hair salon is offering nail fills again. Makes my life easier and the gal does a good job.

Take care all and have a good night!

to countrymouse:

I come from Singapore, so I guess we're one of the best in the region when it comes to healthcare. I'm sorry I've been so cryptic about my location and my mother's diagnosis so far. This sounds crazy but I'm terrified that someone I know may come across this posts and there are so much identifiers here that it's undeniably me posting... The worst would be if my family discovers this, cue the absolute meltdown from them all...

I have looked at hospice options. We have home care hospice services, day hospices, inpatient hospices and of course, hospitals itself, depending on the severity of the patient's condition. And there are government-linked organizations that can help arrange everything with heavy subsidies; some services might even be free. We just need a referral from our neurologist to set things up.

The shitty thing, is that when my mother was fretting over her future care plans, I contacted our neurologist by email to ask if they could set us up for Advance Care Planning with trained personnel. BUUUUUT then my mom changed her mind and said it was too depressing to have to discuss such matters, and that my brother would not want to do it, so--OK! I don't care anymore! I'm just gonna let go!

Yes, now I know not to let myself get trapped. Thank you all so much for your great tips. My family should just outsource for all our sanity's sake. Let me just play daughter, and not nurse. I have also told myself not to help them make ANY decisions, lest they blame me for it when they feel things go wrong. I will let go, let go, let go, and just go back to how I survived in my childhood--being a bystander.

To DDDuck
"I was getting blamed for everything" -- I totally understand this. When I lived with them, during my adolescence years I pretty much shouted this all the time in our arguments: "fine, everything is my fault, okay? the end".

Please take care of yourself, I hope you've gotten yourself to a doctor, the blood pressure sounds worrying. Physical ailments can be a result of terrible stress and worry, which in return exacerbate our emotional and mental worries because we're not feeling well, creating a really vicious cycle on our bodies.

When you say "how do I stop trying to fix everything and save everybody but can't help myself", I had that problem initially too, wanting to do everything "right" for my family, but now I tell myself to let go, and not to hold on to things so much--it's the only way to keep my sanity. You asked us to be good to ourselves, so remember to be good yourself too, and sometimes the only way we can do that is to simply let go of trying to help others out of their problems. As we are not experts, we can't save people who are drowning by throwing ourselves into the sea with them, or we might very well be pulled down with them too?

To Frazzledmama
I hope things get better for you. Yes, let's just take one day at a time, I've found that thinking and worrying about the future just becomes exhausting at some point of time. Is your mom a very negative or picky person by any chance? When you talk about how the staff and you have tried so hard and that you "don't know that we would find a place as nice or as accommodating", I somehow think of my own mom who always nitpicks on everything--some people are just impossible to please. Do you think that your mom wanting to move in with you might be still a way of her wanting to manipulate you?

To Sharyn
I hope physical therapy will help your brother greatly, may he get better soon!!!

To Cmag,
I honestly don't know how you have managed to take care of your dad and then your wife for such a long time, you are an amazing trooper, you know that? Hang in there and we are here for you.

Hi Country! Long time no "See"! Great advice, as usual.

Cmag, I think she knew exactly what she was doing. Hang in there and take care of your self.

I am missing my girlfriend a lot. So many times I want to call her. I also miss my crazy cousin Larry. I dream of them both every now and then very happy to see them knowing they have passed on and happy at how good they look.

My cousin Sham is steal struggling with ca lung and stomach probably everywhere. she is such a trooper. Been through so many bouts with ca. Her daughter is pregnant. She was pregnant with this daughter when her mother passed on.

Now it seems like another cousin just passed away. I was checking Facebook and saw this cousin who came to visit my mother often just like his grandfather for some reason.. But anyways he posted his mothers picture. she did not attend the grandfathers funeral (her father) there was some type of falling out. I dont know when or what but I dont think I can take another funeral. His mother was the cutest little girl with the cutest little birthmark on her face. Pretty, there are a lot of us that became close even for a small stint as we grew up because our parents were very close and united. The father passed away about two years ago. My mother still had some of her mentality. My nephew picked her up and took her to the funeral. didn't ask me if I was going or wanted to go. I took a bus. Almost didn't sit next to them but went on and put on the fraud that we were a close family.

Anyways, I am glad I see the light even though it hurts like hell. I am worn out!! I see how God is working in my life and working things out. I see how I need to step back and let go.

How do I stop trying to fix everything and save everybody but can't help myself.
What gives me hope is know things always work out for the good eventually.
I am not looking forward to the job ahead of me.

Oh! and this afternoon as I tried to get my mother to eat before I left for work. I believe she said I love you. Sometimes posting is so hard, I just made my self cry. But it came out like how a toddler is on a role talking a says a clear sentence or a clear mumble that makes you do a double take and say did you hear that. Anyway we were straight eye to eye when she said it. She didn't want to eat at all.

Its silly for me to say i dont understand. But i really dont understand what the problem is about getting a home attendant and even asking the doctor to write scrip for suplement ensure. These and so many more services, my mother is entiltled to worked all her life. Its just crazy. Same crazy everyday just a different day.

Well, I will be off line for a few. Sometimes I try to engage with my phone but its so awkward and slow and hard to see what I am doing.

I wish you all blessings of love peace and light.

Be good to yourselves, and smile.

Even though we had help here today, my wife over did it while I had to be gone for the whole afternoon. Her excuse. Well, they were not hired to help me with lunch or my meds. mmmmmmm It was a very nice lady and her son who were cleaning. I'm sure they would have not minded taking the time to help her. She's not a good patient. So, she's back to throwing up again.

Here's something that I should have been upset about a while back when it was done, but I'm upset about it now.

My step-sister made the mistake of putting her name of the account she created for my dad for the money from the sale of his house back in May. She was his POA and did not need to do that. She is also the exectrix of the estate and knows my dad's wishes about his money. Now she has to find out from the IRS if there is a way to get around the gifting tax for those whom she will distribute the money to. She should have known better. She is an H&R Block trained tax person. I wonder if it was even legal for her to put her name on my dad's account for the money that came from the sale of his house. At least she is willing to abide by my dad's will, but only to her benefit.

I assumed that we would never see this money, but would be spent on my dad's care once his long term care insurance ran out.

Oreo, boundaries as has been suggested are necessary. Good input from everyone already. Take care of your life first.

My bro gets moved today. He will be closer to home so my sil can go home instead of staying in the Bay Area. He is very weak but the physical therapy should improve that for him. They will wean him off the trach.

It was 25 degrees yesterday morning. It zapped my basil plant to no return, lol! Warming up today and for the rest of the week. We should hit the 60’s for late afternoons.

Stay warm, it’s not even winter yet.

Oreo, "Asian" countries - as I'm sure you know better than I do - range from the world's most sophisticated to much less developed societies, so I hope you won't mind my asking what sort of culture we're talking about here?

Let us assume that your mother's diagnosis is correct.

Let's assume.

You are then correct in thinking that her care needs will be manifestly beyond the capabilities of a family member. The nearest equivalent of a hospice team coming to her home will have to do until she is ready to be admitted to the right hospital setting.

Work out a visiting schedule that you can cope with, but be ready to reduce it or abandon it if your mother becomes abusive or oppressively demanding.

Do not accept any formal responsibility for her welfare.

Seriously. Do not.

Listen to your husband.

Greetings to all. I have been off line for quiet a while and I hope everyone is in a good place and well.

Cmag my thought were with you quite offten. Take care of yourself. You have a lot on your plate.

Sharyn, I was last reading that your brother was going into rehab and I wanted to express to you the miracles I have seen while working on the traumatic brain injury unit. I had previously been in the ER and it was absolutely amazing to see how people recover upon awakening from whatever issue that caused a coma.

Rehab is absolutely awesome. The therapist k there stuff and I have seen a woman completely paralysised from neck down. become able to wash her face, and maneuver an electric wheel chair. I wish the best for your brother. A major issue was safety. One of the main problems was patients waking up thinking they could walk and with determination to go to bathroom. It was hard to get used for most patients waking up not being as functional.

Glad, I just love hearing your dilemas with your new house. Its exciting, and fun. Also really good to hear you are happy with results.

Book, thank you for your truth and advice.

Golden, I hope things are going well with your mother.

Frazz , I hope the same for you, and your mom.

Ali I have always appreciated how you nutshell issues in such a nice short way. Your words were magical and bought tears and hope that one day I will be past all of this crazieness.

Took me over fifty years to realize that I was not ever considered and never would be. I knew I was a scapegoat. But there was nothing I could do about being blamed. But I dropped that cinderella complex quick.

It was until I came onboard here and on the Whine that I really saw and learned what was happening, what a narcissist was. How I was being gaslighted and had been programmed. I could not see my self ever leaving my mother.

The past few months have just been filled with beautiful lies from my sister and my nephews eating the poison.
I was getting blamed for everything and it was amazing to see this same phenomena that my mother did. No matter how ridiculous the accusation or lie was it was the truth to those who believed it which was every one but me.

When I felt like crying I would go on utube and learn more about narcissim, and codependence. I

What was really amazing was that I realized and accept that I have to get the hell out of doge. I still cant beleive how long it took me to get there. Its really hard living with a fascinating beatiful liar who cares about nothing. No logic. no reason. Its hard becuase I have to go against this grain I have in me to set a boundary.

I am still in process of getting to a lawyer. I have appointment coming up next month.
Some times life gets to hard to fast and stuff comes back to back in all kinds of ways. sometimes I think I am cursed. Sometimes I can barely do what I have to do to maintain myself. And sometimes I get so tired of even thinking about the sickness and dysfunction in my family. Living this crazy every day.
My apology for being off so long and more offten. Every single time something happens good or bad I think of sharing this with this family. So when I am gone off for a while please just know that you are all in my heart.


Right now my blood pressure is crazy and I have this crazy heel pain so now I am limping or tippytoeing on one foot. I setting up apts to address this. Then the dang fridge is now freezing every thing. I turned it down to lowest setting and it looks like it snowed in freezer and stuff is still freezing. Now today in frustration i asked for a new fridge and its ago except I lose the 100 I spent on service contract and have to buy another one and price depends on the model I get. Any suggestions for a good long lasting fridge. I thingking to go icemakers this time since I love ice so much. I cant believe we only had this fridge 2.5 years. I call for service evry 2-3 months.

Stay warm. (((HUGS)))

Ran out of room lol, was gonna say I'm just taking things one day at a time, praying it all works out somehow.

SharynM, glad your brother is getting better and able to go to rehab.

CMag, sounds like this is going to be a hectic week. Have a safe trip going out of town and get plenty of rest before and after. Glad your wife's sister and the church will be able to help out while you're gone.

Glad, I bet the granite looks really nice too. Don't you just hate that when you find a good deal online and they cancel the order? Had that happen recently with an early Christmas gift I ordered for my son. I was excited and then my order got canceled so I had to shop some more, didn't find one exactly like it but I still think he will like the one I found.

Oreo, I agree about setting boundaries and definitely not quitting your job or giving up your live to be f/t caregiver to your mom. If she is anything like mine, she will run you ragged and even then nothing will be good enough or make her happy unless she can completely take over your life. Mine too is personality-disordered with dementia and mental illness.

I just smile when well-meaning people tell me things like you mentioned. Or "you are so lucky to still have your mother". Well, I do want to help her as much as I can, but I really feel like I'm the mom in our situation, always have to a large extent. You can still be there for her and help manage her care from a distance.

Golden, glad your sinuses are getting better, and that your mom's med adjustments are helping some, at least as much as can be expected until you know if it's a decline or if she will improve as to being able to eat more, etc.

Take it easy, like you said. A low stress winter will help you keep your strength up too.

They are looking at possibly discharging mom either Thursday or Friday, from what her nurse told me today. She said mom is doing better on the new meds. They did add something at night for sleep as well. Still has been tearful at times, but not suicidal or hearing voices. Their diagnosis pretty much agrees with the other facility, except instead of the histrionic personality disorder, the doctor there seems to think she has borderline traits. They said she was manipulative with staff at times and would ask for her meds at a certain time, and if they said she had to wait until they made their rounds, she would say that she wouldn't eat until they gave them (although when they told her she needed to wait, they said she would usually start eating).

I'm cautiously optimistic. I will say with the personality disorder diagnosis, some of her behavior makes sense in that context. I suspected for a long time she had some sort of personality disorder but she had never been formally diagnosed. However, the previous facility has extensive history with her and her therapist's notes there also indicate "highly manipulative behavior".

As far as the dementia, they termed it "major neurocognitive disorder", which they told me is the new diagnostic term for dementia, but they didn't say what kind. I wonder if it's vascular, because she has had TIAs, heart issues and the diabetic coma back in 2011. She really hasn't been her "normal" self since the coma, but tests haven't been conclusive. I have rescheduled her appt with her neurologist on the 22nd.

I'm a little worried about what it will be like once she gets out. Her facility has not so far said she needs to move, but I don't know how many more times we can go through this before she gets evicted. Lately, she has been determined that she wants to move back home with me, and I've tried and the staff has tried to make everything as pleasant and comfortable for her, but she still says she wants to go home ("home" being my house). I don't want to have to move her again. I don't know that we would find a place as nice or as accommodating.

Then there is the issue with trying to get her finances straightened out. I worry about her running out of funds before we can get the house issue straightened out.

dear cwillie, countrymouse, bettina and golden,

The RPD that she has is CJD, Creutzfeldt-Jakob disease (as her MRIs show the classical sign of cortical ribboning). As it is a prion disease it is 100% fatal and untreatable. I went to all the neurologists appointments with her, spoke to some of them privately, and did my own research extensively; unfortunately I understand that the doctors are statistically most likely to be correct about this diagnosis, unless time tells us otherwise. I totally get why you guys asked to be sure. This is the first time I really wish she were just making things up. In the past we did feel like she malingered a fair bit. She said at the hospital "none of you believe me when I tell you something is wrong", LOL yeah we didn't.

Now my husband and I both agree that we don't know whether her behavior is from a worsening of her dementia, or simply her underlying narcissism resurfacing insidiously. And as a healthcare professional I am supposed to be sympathetic and gentle to sick people so it really f***ing sucks.

When she was warded in the hospital undergoing all sorts of investigation to rule out CJD (and they all failed), I thought I had forgiven her and moved on. She spoke to me one-on-one, saying she always wondered what had gone wrong between the two of us, and I said "we just had a clash of personalities". I felt like there was no point rubbing into someone who was sick and dying that the truth was "you treated me like shit, of course I wouldn't want to be close to you." I thought we really could let go of the differences we had over the years and start afresh with whatever little time we have left. I guess that's why I offered to be her caregiver when she worried about that. But now all the anger and resentment has just come back all over again, because it appears that some of this old shit has NOT changed, and probably NEVER will.

I have told myself over and over again, not to take on caregiving for HER, but only if i want to do it for MYSELF, and to be prepared for the absolute worst. my dad said we could just hire a domestic helper when things go downhill (it's common in the Asian country I live in), but she refused it because she didn't want a stranger in her home. But after reading this article, I all the more think no sane person let alone me can handle being her primary caregiver and it needs to be outsourced, the end result of the disease just sounds insane: (https://medium.com/@mathilde.m/creutzfeldt-jakob-practical-guide-27ce8608cb4b)

You are all right. Boundaries will need to be drawn. I am learning that with each step of the day.

Good night, Golden.

Ordered light fixtures, had a very hard time finding one. Finally found online store that look like they have them. First order appeared that way too, then three days later that order was cancelled. So, when I thought I found them, I ordered, not just from one store, but several. Now it looks like I have three or four of this fixture, of which I only need one. But may change my mind on one fixture and make it the same as the four I have apparently ordered! LOL! We will see.

Way behind again, so I will start on this page

book - thx - mother is not quite back on track but doing better and I am thankful I suspect she has declined and may not return to where she was. We will see if her eating returns to three meals a day. Somehow I doubt it. But she has surprised me before. Hope you are having a great vacay! I am pretty well converted to Kindle now for reading. No worries about mold.

glad - weather had been so strange. It is warmer here again and all the snow has melted YAY!!! Granite counter tops sound lovely. I have been sleeping more too -sometimes in the daytime as well.

sharyn -thx - so glad your bro is doing better. I am feeling better - I think I have found a probiotic which works well.

ali -how is the new apartment working out?

cmag -sounds like you are getting things organised.

fraz - how is your mum doing on her new med regime?

cm and cw -excellent points!

oreo - good advice from others - I have two questions 1) Why would you even consider giving up your life 2) What is the underlying condition for the rapidly-progressive dementia and is it being treated?
I have a narc mother too and she has been known to tell tall tales about her health to get attention. Ten years ago when she was 96 she told us her liver was failing and she didn't have long to live. She is 106 now and her liver is fine. It was a bid for attention, Thankfully I knew it was at the time.
 "spend as much time with her as you can, so you have no regrets" and "make happy memories". People who say that do not have narc mothers and don't understand them. Happy memories - "Hah!!!" "I got exhausted, angry and frustrated a lot." Yes!!! I think you will be scapegoated again - it is the nature of the beast (narcissism) . Look after yourself. Draw boundaries about how much you want to get sucked into this. She wants to be the center of your universe. You have a marriage and a job to look after as well as yourself. Keep them first and support your mothers "needs" (not wants) as much as you decide you can within the context of your life.

Finally it has warmed up a bit, Hopefully we will have another week without snow. I am sick of it already and winter hasn't started. My sinuses are getting better -a little relapse there but manageable. My gut were acting up, but I think I have a solution. The SPCA is down to only 3 cats. I will wait till I am feeling better anyway and see what energy I have, Some weeks I find caring for all the plants quite enough along with other household chores. I am aiming for a low stress winter. If anyone close to me has problems, they are theirs not mine -except for mother, of course, though what I can do there is very limited. I was thinking of what I am thankful for regarding her care - she is safe, fed appropriately, kept clean and dressed, has pleasant surroundings, interacts with the aides, is seen by a doctor on his weekly rounds... That her meds haven't been as well managed as I would like, and as the "should" be, is a negative, but it looks like that is being adjusted.

Hope this all makes sense, I am ready for bed again.

Take care all, and do something good for you.

Hi Oreo, Sorry to hear about your situation. Families with narcs pretty much
always have a scapegoat, and often it is weirdly the one who is most successful and does the most work. Go figure. My suspicion is that the favored sibs/relatives pour on the flattery and entertainment which boosts
the narcissists ego. Most narcissists I've had the misfortune to know have always needed a lot of help and reassurance. Which is totally ironic as they
consider themselves minor deities and above such tawdry concerns. Probably why they mistreat those that help them the most. They neither flatter or entertain as they are too busy and exhausted with providing real help, and they
remind the narcissist that they are both needy and dependent, which they profoundly hate.

You said--"I would most likely end up sacrificing my life, my career progression and my finances, and my dad and brother may just stand at one side while I get sucked dry."

Yep, you've got it. And you will likely risk being disinherited and slandered to
boot. Always, always, always, unless you're an only child or your sibs and
parents are truly kind compassionate and fair minded people, it's better
to hire care. Even if your parents are the kindest most functional folks, it can
still overwhelm and lead to exhaustion. With dysfunctional families its a
guarantee.

Best of luck with your situation. (((hugs)))

Most rapidly progressive dementias are treatable so the death in one year could be a worst case scenario, does your mother have a definitive diagnosis oreo? And given how quickly you have seen your family dysfunction reassert itself I think you would be better off keeping yourself at arms length, remaining a daughter rather than a caregiver.

Welcome, Oreo.

I have observed over time that one characteristic of narcissists is that they believe their ailments and diseases must be more exciting, rarer and more dangerous than anyone else's.

So point number one to clear up: what do you know from independent professional sources about your mother's dementia diagnosis?

Hello all. I am new here and here is my story. This is really long. I hope it's okay.

I am in my late 20s, and I grew up with a narcissistic mother. I have an older brother who is the golden child. My dad is a traditional Asian father who doesn't talk much or do anything, he was just the breadwinner. So my mother controlled everything in the house. Now my dad has retired, but my mother still runs the house for my brother and my dad.

I first recognized that my mother was narcissistic when I was 20yo and dating my now-husband. He said the way my mother talked to me and treated me was not normal. When I finally read about NPD mothers--OMG, she ticked off so much on the list that I felt relieved-- because finally I knew it wasn't ME that had the problem. I was never going to be enough for her.

I moved out just 2 years ago to my own home and things improved with the distance. I felt like my family functioned like a proper family again. But in July this year she was told she most likely has a rapidly-progressive dementia, where 90% of people die within 1 year from the start of their symptoms.

Over 2 months, I've been to countless neurologist appointments with her and my dad. My brother only went to one. Because I'm a healthcare professional, all the healthcare related responsibilities have been dumped onto me, and because of the rarity of this disease there has been absolutely no support from our neurologists whatsoever. In fact my brother still refuses to think she has terminal illness and thinks she can be cured by God.

Everyone says "spend as much time with her as you can, so you have no regrets" and "make happy memories". I joined a FB support group for this disease and they say "do not take anything for granted", as with this disease it can progress so suddenly and quickly that people have even gone from perfectly normal to dead in mere weeks.

But nobody understands the dysfunction in my family. I initially offered to quit my job to be my mother's primary caregiver, considering that I work in healthcare, and I am female, so that's the "most sensible" option, right? I also thought that I would do it so that I would not have any regrets. But I worry that if I do so, I would end up being scapegoated all over again.

My mother has always favored my brother over me. For example, she said they would only give my brother money for his house, and not me. I had to do all the chores for the family when I was younger, not him. My husband and I should pay for family dinners, but not him. Hell we even paid for him and his girlfriend and it's not like we're rich. She even said "you have done nothing for the family, unlike your brother."

I'm conflicted now about whether I still want to be her caregiver. I would most likely end up sacrificing my life, my career progression and my finances, and my dad and brother may just stand at one side while I get sucked dry.

We just got back from a family vacation with my husband, myself, and the 3 of them. My husband and I wanted to TEAR our hair off several times. I planned the trip hoping it would make happy memories. We did have some. But my mother's negativity and pickiness was frustrating. She has been always like that and now it's just worse. My brother and father didn't help at all either, in fact on one day they said that the sights I took them to see were "so boring". Well THANKS, when they did nothing at all to help in the planning process when they could have, it's not like they have dementia!

I got exhausted, angry and frustrated a lot. I went home angry after our dinner at the airport on our return went awry. My mother didn't want to order. Then she complained that she was tired and she wanted to eat fast so she could head home. So my husband offered to do the ordering for her, because my brother and father couldn't make any decisions for her. She said yes, but then she sulked about his decisions, even though he tried to order what she usually ate! So much for "happy memories"

Glad, brrrrrrr! Lows of 10, wow! We are having highs in the mid 50’s with lows btwn 28-31. Not too bad as long as winds are calm.

We have not even gotten to her surgery yet. She is having these problems, pre op. Her identical twin sister is coming down to help her while I am gone. Our church is providing them meals while I am gone.

The first memorial service is only a little over 300 miles away. I can drive that in one day. I will leave on Thursday. The service is Friday. I will rest for two days and drive back on Monday.

That Tuesday my wife gets her tooth crowned and I see a doctor. On Wednesday, we see our primary care doctor. Thursday, I drive part way to Ohio. Friday, I drive the rest of the way and the service is on Saturday. Our son's will meet us there on Friday. I will drive half way back on Monday.

I may or may not have the energy to give out candy for Halloween dressed as Obi Wan Kenobi with my battery powered light saber.

Today is a better day for she is able to use her walker.

Cmag, I'm glad you and DW are getting some help post surgery. Are you planning to drive to both of the memorial services for your dad? Will you be spending a couple of days in each location?

Glad, it was in the 80s and humid on Tuesday and Wednesday of last week, then a rainy day, and now it's been near freezing overnight, high of mid 40s one day, I think it gets into the low 50s today.

Yes, very weird.

Glad, you have a book room! I’ve always wanted one. Unfortunately with the humidity here and no air conditioner where I stored my books, it smells musty when I open to a page. Sneezing, too. I realized it’s time to get rid of the books.

Sharyn, good news about your brother.

Almost 1:00am. Time to go sleep.

Golden, it’s great that your mom is back on track... When you were mentioning your sister’s current situation, I was surprised about your sister’s actions. Until you mentioned TIA. I recalled what I was told when my dad had a stroke. When he recovers, he will either become a nicer person or he will be worse than before the stroke. My dad was mean. We were all hoping he would become a nice person...He was worse. Maybe this applies to your sister?

Cmag, although so many things are happening, you’re definitely going through it one at a time. I can definitely see your resistance to the decorations at this time. I chuckled as I read your comment: It is not like we have people over here often... My fave sis likes to rearrange her rooms. The most affected ones are the kitchen and livingroom. It drives me crazy how she would ask for my opinion about placing the furniture here, there, etc... I asked why ask when we know she’s going to rearrange next week, next month... Several times... Then I give my opinion of new arrangement.

What odd weather we have had. A very chilly week, 40's, then mid sixty's today. Tomorrow a high in the 20's Monday morning about 10. 🎅👏 Then warming to 60's again the rest of next week. Keeps us on our toes. Got errands run today, tomorrow I can stay in and continue to organize for a move.

Golden, keep that cold air up there.

Sharyn, how is it there?

Magnum, good SIL will be there.

The past four mornings I have slept to 6:30 am. Unheard of for me. Haven't been late to work yet but did have to skip the shower one morning.

Granite is installed. It is beautiful!

Better news today. My wife was not sure about asking her sister to come down, but would not ask her either. So, I asked her and she was fine with the idea. After I told my wife about that she thought some more and concluded it was the best thing for he to stay here and for me to work it out with Debra getting her down here. She does not like to drive out of town. Her husband will bring her down. So, Debra to the rescue once again! She will be here from the 19-30th.

I've been under so much stress that I've not eaten right either forgot to take my medicine on time or at all and tonight missed the turn for the street I live on.

Now, we have a plan. I can now sit down and eat. Then, I will take my medicine.

Since my sister in law is an ovarian cancer survivor from 2001, she is not up to much cooking. So, we are asking our loving church to provide my wife and her sister some light meals while I'm gone. My wife also has a sorority sister nearby who is going to help her some.