notrydoyoda Posted January 2012
The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?
Follow
Share
Read More Close
34K Comments
Popular Questions
Related Questions
- How do I deal with an emotionally needy mother who wants all of my time and attention?
- I get so angry with my 88-year-old mom sometimes and find myself getting resentful to her and not treating her very good. How can I deal?
- How do I deal with being "cut" from the family?
- My sole mate is sole care taker of both parents. Where do I find help dealing with this?
Start a Discussion
My wife has not had he surgery yet. We are waiting to hear from the surgeon. She's on some rather powerful pain meds right now. It's just that when the pain gets really bad she throws up. If we don't hear something today, I'm going to ask our rather large church for help with meals and company for my wife while I'm gone to some doctor's appointments that are an hour's drive away and to the memorial services. A cousin has offered to come up and stay with her, but she doesn't want that.
Welcome Jeanne! If your sis has dementia, her behavior is most likely a combination of both. My mom was a sweet heart to the Cnas at the facility, but a terror to family.
Sharyn, take it easy on that pruning. Next year for me. This year would have been tough. We have gone from summer to winter overnight it seems. You should be getting some of this cold too, I would gladly send some your way.
Golden and Fraz hope the med changes continue to help your mom's. I now think that ts2 may have put mom on palliative care as soon as I was out of the caregiving picture. At one point I was told by hospice nurse that they restarted mom on Seroquel and it did not help. If it isn't broke don't fix it. Seroquel worked great for mom when I cared for her. Mom was as good as she could be on the regimen she had while at home. But, it was a major change and maybe nothing would have helped. Nope, I would never ask ts2 at this point. It is done.
Well, got lock sets ordered, ceiling fans and remainder of lighting. AND granite countertops were installed tonight. He was late finishing so I was not going up there when dark. So, that is something to look forward to tomorrow! I am done shopping and making selections and of course cost more than allowance. I HATE shopping for anything! Oh well, last home I will own, and only one in my life that I have been able to pick all the options. Start of first lighting order started to arrive today.
What a mess.
The priest from dad's home church in Ohio called and that service is planned for the 27th. That is a two day drive to. Our sons will come to this one.
The Maryland memorial service is planned for the 19th. It is a one day drive to.
Frazz, I’m hoping your mom does better on the new med regime. If they worked before, they should work now. It takes a while to figure out meds for these conditions. Most important is for the patient to be comfortable .
CMag, I’m sure you have a lot going on with planning a memorial for your dad and the up coming surgery. Take care of yourself, rest.
Glad, exciting how your home is coming along. You will be moving before you know it.
Not much going on other than working. It is cold in the mornings with afternoon highs in the high 50’s.
My brother will be moved to a rehab facility in about 2 weeks. He is doing really good. They will soon remove the trach.
I do need to get some cleaning up done in the garden beds, pruning, etc. I keep putting it off, lol!
As for me, I often have a hard time determining if my sis is indulging in old, manipulative addict behaviors or if it is the disease. Frankly, I know that the resemblance to ‘out-of-it drunkeness’ sometimes robs me of the compassion I should have, and I beat myself up a lot. On the flip side, I dometimes get a little angry or frustrated at Drs and assisted-living personnel that haven’t seen it or don’t recognize it, so think it isn’t really there. Lose-lose situation, for sure.
The tests went fine. Now to wait for the results and when the surgery is? It could be a month from now. Who knows.
I did get the Halloween decorations down and put the summer ones away. My wife has killed herself decorating to the point of being in so much pain that she's throwing up and using her crutches plus sleeping in the lower bed. When I asked her why was she making her knee worse by doing so much in one day, her only answer was because it needed to be done before her surgery. I'm sorry ladies, but that is insane! I don't need this extra stress with two memorial services coming up.
Golden- glad your mom is continuing to improve. I've had kind of the same experience with talk therapy. Saw a couple of therapists before that I felt like didn't really help me, but the one I have now is great. She has helped me through my crazy family issues and is helping me work through some things from my past also.
Hugs to you and Glad both. Take care of yourselves. The grief triggers are rough.
Cmag - How did your wife's testing go? I'm glad your step-sister apologized.
I talked to mom's nurse earlier and it sounds like the docs there agree with the diagnosis from the other facility. They have taken her off the Ativan (which she's been on for quite awhile), Seroquel, and Zoloft, and are trying her on Valium, Geodon and Neurontin, plus keeping her on the Cogentin as well as her other regular meds (insulin, bp meds, etc). They just started them so they are going to monitor her to see how she does on the new regimen. I'm hoping they help. She did sound quite a bit calmer when I talked to her earlier, was not tearful and agitated like the other day.
I don't know much about the new meds. Was reading that Neurontin is used off label as a mood stabilizer but helps with neuropathy and restless legs too, which might help with the weird leg movements that mom has had.
The weather here has been very rainy, though I think it's supposed to be clearing. Still in the 60s after a really hot summer. I know we need a good freeze, but I'll be in layers and wrapped up in blankets when it finally hits lol
This month lots for me too. Two years since L passed which would also be mom's 92nd bday, four years since J passed. So much has happened and I think I have come so far, but still times of sadness. Don't think it is depression because it doesn't hang on and on.
And I am so excited about getting into my own house. It has been seven years since I feel I could call my home my own. Went to pick granite today, same as I picked before but I did not have them hold slabs. Need to go through the week, evidently, but did not realize that until yesterday afternoon.
Went.out to lunch at one of Mom's and L's favorite spots. Hoped to see and talk with the woman that owns it and always works, except I guess on her birthday, today. Had Mediterranean shrimp pasta, one of my faves.
IT is to get down in the 20's tonight, quite chilly. Still waiting for landscape progress. Hoping we get a more seasonal couple of weeks before mid November.
thx fraz - I hope there will be more improvement. My niece is married to sil (referring to son in law) so she is not alone. She was adopted and is feeling rejection from her birth mother, as well as her adoptive mother (my sis). She has never resolved the death of her dad some years ago with whom she was very close. Fairly dysfunctional. Sis is narcissistic and, to me, somewhat sociopathic -very cold. There is very little I can do except show my niece I care and pray for her. They are in the UK so too far to visit. I agree that antid's are fine if you need them, and talk therapy is great . More on that later.
tiger -welcome - isn't it true that we tolerate stress less well as we age? I am 81 and I have to protect myself more than ever before. I am glad you are decreasing contact. There is emotional distancing/detaching and then there is physical distancing. I find I have to do both. Grieving the losses is healthy and necessary to get to detachment. So glad you are making a plan to move on. It is never too late to lessen the pain and plan a better life. You will get support for that here.
cmag - sounds like things are working out better.
linda- good idea for decorating. I am into very, very, very simple these days.
Youngest son Gordie's 40th birthday tomorrow and I am feeling it this year. Getting a few flashbacks to 16 years ago. So these days are slow, and as comfortable as I can make them, I just have to feel the feelings. This too will pass - until the next trigger.
Speaking of talk therapy. my current therapist is the best I have ever had. I have gone for counselling off and on all my adult life depending in life's ups and downs. A couple of counselors were not good, the others, varied but I got something from them. This one "gets" me and my various loved ones very well and I am dealing with some childhood stuff. One problem I have had with counselors is that I have very good coping skills and function at a high level so that after a few session they think I am fine, when, in fact I still have important unresolved issues. As a result, I am rethinking moving away from here till I have gotten further along in therapy. I really don't like the winters, but I can find a way to survive. Once it hits the very cold temperature I prefer not to stick my nose outside the door, or go away for a month or so.
Speaking of snow, it is melting today Thank goodness!!!!
Antidepressants aren't anything to be ashamed of though if your depression is as a result of a chemical imbalance. However, it sounds like your feelings could also be just the normal grieving process, in grieving the years lost, etc. A good therapist could help you too to be able to work through those feelings of grief and burnout and plan for moving on going forward. I find talk therapy very helpful in dealing with my stressful family situations too.
Also glad the furnace started working. That is a big relief, especially with it being so cold!
Sorry to hear about the family drama between your sis and niece. It does sound like maybe some dementia going on with your sis. I hope your niece doesn't get suicidal. People do some things when they are under the influence that they wouldn't do normally. If niece and sil do get evicted, could they still get a place together so that your niece isn't by herself? It's so hard to hear when family is going through things like this, yet sometimes listening with love yet detaching is the best we can do. I have some family members who are still out there on drugs, cousins my age, but not a darn thing I can do, but pray that one day they get some help.
You're so right about being thankful each day. Sometimes it's easy for me to see the problems, but I can count some blessings too. Had some good cheesecake earlier and a nice dinner with hubs. Just good to get out for a bit :)
good news on the return to risperdal
and desserts
I have yet to unpack fully from the Florida trip.
The things in the garage need to go back onto the deck so that I can drive the repaired lawn mower to the back yard and mow it before this next storm comes.
Donna has a four hour heart test in the morning.
I am expecting my step-sister to confirm the date and time of the first memorial service at the chapel in MD tomorrow.
I hope to hear back from the priest at the church in Ohio soon about the second memorial service.
After tomorrow's test, we will wait to hear when the surgeon can operate.
Friday, I am keeping my massage appointment for my 5th out of 6 treatments for this left shoulder.
I am still resting from leaving here because of the hurricane, being the only driver on the Florida trip, the lost night's sleep due to dad dying, etc.
Our worker is going to come buy either the end of this week or the first of next week to repair a section of the fence he damaged while working on the deck and some other things that I need for him to do.
So, while tomorrow is known, everything else is still up in the air. I'm more concerned about the test and getting the surgery scheduled and getting the memorial services organized plus cutting the back yard than I am about decorating. She's going to be laid up for 6 to 8 weeks after surgery. I would not mind missing a few seasons of decorating. It is not like we have people over here often.
sharyn -great news. Let us know what you find out.
bobbing - sounds pretty crazy - if it is time to let go then go for it!
glad -wow starting to pack for moving. Must seem surreal to be getting into your own place soon. Hope Ming behaves! Cats love boxes!!!
fraz - such a hard time and you are right -absolutely no to moving back in with you. You are doing what anyone could to get help for your mother. I hope meds will work soon. Yes the snow is pretty, but it is also cold.
stacey - so good to hear from you.. I know about the wishing the clearing out had been done sooner, and making back up plans. I am glad you have options. Hope your resp troubles clear up. I am getting there slowly.
Mother is showing slight improvement on the Risperdal. She is back on the smallest dose as she was when she went in there. She is eating a little better -all her desserts and all her fluids. She still cries sometimes, but not as much. They will continue on this dose for a while to see if there is further improvement.
Further news of my niece and sis. Sis is proceeding with legal measures to evict her dd and sil from the house she used to share with them and promised them. Niece is understandably very upset and said to me she will not leave that house alive, I asked if she was suicidal and said my sis was not worth it. Her answer was that my sis would not even notice. I am concerned about suicide should she lose the case. She is an alcoholic and I think abuses other drugs at times. Meanwhile sis has removed her son as joint executor because he could not join her and her hub for dinner (or so the story goes). It very much sounds like mother in the early throes of dementia who changed her will several times for n obvious reasons . Sis may well be in the beginning of vasc. dementia. Her dd says there is a definite difference since the TIA.
My excitement and a good reason to be thankful today centers on my downstairs furnace. I woke up to a cold downstairs with the temp at 15C (59F). The air was blowing, but no heat and it was/is below freezing outside. I have an upstairs furnace too which I rarely use, so I turned it up. and lit a log in the fireplace. Then I turned the downstairs furnace off for a few minutes and back on again and it worked!!! Yay. I have contacted the gas co for a check up of my gas appliances. Hope it keeps working till then. So glad I have a back up. We take these things for granted as long as they work well.
It is supposed to go above freezing in the daytime for the next few weeks. I hope so. Then the snow will melt. Meanwhile I put the car in the garage so as to not have to brush off inches of the white stuff.
Take care all - find something to be thankful for. It's good for your health!
SharynM, glad to hear that your brother continues to to improve!
Golden, Snow Wow! We've had such a great Summer here, and now the rains have come. Hope you are feeling better soon! I have a tinge of some Respiratory symptoms myself, the first in Many years. Hoping it doesn't take hold, as it is the most inopportune time to get sick right now, Waaa!
We are stepping up on our house organizations, in preparation of putting it on the market! There have been quite a few very nice Condo options available lately, so I sure Wish we had pushed ourselves earlier and been "there" already, but such is life. If the perfect Condo isn't out there when we are ready to pull the trigger, then we have the option of moving in with my Daughter and SIL for a time, which would be 2 moves, but I will not purchase something that I am not completely in Love with, but a pain, imo! We will just have to see when we get there.
I Hope Everybody is doing Alright! Everything on my end is going well! Take Care All!
My cousin who is my dad's God child and I will speak at the Ohio Memorial Mass.
My cousins who are old enough to remember dad that are on my mom's side all liked my dad. When her brother learned he was spending the night in a hotel before visiting me the next day, he insisted that dad stay with him and his family. He liked my dad and did not like the strick visitation rules.
My mom was enmeshed with her dad which made it impossible to really bond with my dad. Enough on that subject.
Sharyn I am so glad about your brother.
This post is diametrically opposed.. But I mean both lines!
Love you both
Happy to hear that your brother is continuing to improve!
💕
May your heart be peaceful
now, trusting......
Started on organizing move. Master bedroom nearly complete. I am so relieved I did not unpack everything! Have done three laundry loads of bedding,some of which just been sitting in a cabinet for a year and a half. Fresh mattress pad and clean flannel sheets on bed. It seems so early for flannel, but now I can pack summer cotton sheets.
Need to start on my book room and reorganize boxes I cut open to find whatever I was looking for.😲 Retape other boxes but all in all should not be too bad. Hopefully Ming will not have too much fun with boxes in bedroom while I try to sleep tonight. Maybe tomorrow move all boxes to the book room if I can get it sorted yet today or tomorrow.
It has been deeply empowering to know I could do this (leave it to a higher power my a$$ AA! Everyone would have been shot!)
But I did what I set out to do and the caregiving needs to stop.