notrydoyoda Posted January 2012
The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?
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Thanks!
Woke up early this morning thinking it would be good to call up there talk with my dad and tell him I love him. Then I get a text from step-sister and one of the caregivers that Hospice thinks it is almost time and that he is holding on just to hear from me and for me to tell him it is alright to place his life in God's hands.
I called him, thanked him for a list of things that he had done, had a prayer with him and told him it was ok to place his life in God's hands.
Then step-sister gets on the phone to explain her reaction to me posting on Facebook because she didn't think he would like it. Well, her mother would not have liked it because she was a very private person, but I think she has mixed that from 4 years ago of her mother dying with my dad dying right now. I also think that this was as close to an apology as she could come. My wife was not impressed for I like everyone else in the ____ family need support right now.
I'll probably end up calling her sister for help even if he dies soon and we have the memorial services soon. She's having to be pushed around with a transport chair if there is much distance to walk with her cain in so much pain. We will see.
My cousin who is the son of dad's only living sibling pm 'ed me on Facebook asking how dad was doing. I told him and asked if this update would be ok to share on FB since a certain person did not like it and she's not connected to me anymore. He said to share for everyone is waiting to hear. So, minus my step-sister, I have posted the news on FB. Patrick said if she got mad that she could blame him. :) Well, she is no longer around on my Facebook page to get mad.
I think now that it is likely a matter of hours.
I've had my morning meds and fed the dog today.
I feel better, but my step-sister is still a toxic soul.
The thing is.
All things being equal - MIL out of the picture, time having passed, all being well with you, and the knee surgery going ahead as a planned elective procedure - then it would make sense to keep everything informal and homely and allow family-and-friends to chip in.
But right now things are not equal: you have hit a patch of turbulence and the stress is already showing.
So wouldn't it be better to make a conscious decision and put some formal support in place? If you know that you have an aide coming in once a day, say, to assist with washing and dressing; and maybe a PT to assist with mobilisation; then that will be a defined daily structure that you and DW can lean on, without having to make extra phone calls or figure out timings. And if you find you don't need it after all, you can always cancel.
DW and I talked about this last night. Our idea is to ask her sister to help or get help from our church, lastly hire someone.
CMag? Is this the right time for you to be DW's primary caregiver for 6-8 weeks? Promise me you will hire in help, at the very least - look on that as your oxygen mask. I'm assuming you won't want to suggest postponing the knee surgery until there's clarity with your Dad, correct?
Nope, I'm not managing well. I'm fogetting my pills at times of the day to take them. I don't forget to feed the cats, but I have forgotten to feed the dog, and I'm not eating right at all.
Well I have taken my supper time meds 6 hours late and on an empty stomach which is not right.
My goal for tomorrow is to unpack the garage of all the porch and deck plus yard stuff so that I can mow the back yard with the repaired lawn mower that I have to drive through the garage to get to the back yard. My wife will call the heart doctor's office to find out what they promised to inform her about today so that the surgery on her left knee can go ahead and get scheduled after which she will need my care for 6-8 weeks at home.
I am sorry your father has taken a turn. I hope you are managing well.
Sorry you got blamed but you had no control over what they did with the information.
I have only family and very well selected friends on my otherwise private FB page. I've shared about how my visits with my dad went in the past without any negative feedback. No one from my mom's side of the family complained when I announced her death. Cousins, who were the children, of an aunt and uncle who have died over the past few years kept the rest of the 50 of us updated about their parents and told us when they died.
Beyond family and friends, no one even knows my dad's name or where he lives which was also true of my mother.
I'm sorry that my comments have brought up some painful memories.
Maybe, we should just put my situation to bed and let it sleep for a very long time.
Some of my cousins are still upset with me that they learned of the loss of the family matriarch on social media.
If one wants to notify family of an impending loss, or of a loss, doing it via email or text is much more considerate.
Putting that kind of stuff on social media, imho, is an invitation to identity theft and burglers.
It'd be an appealing idea, but over Christmas? It's just the worst time you could pick to be travelling, certainly not something I'd do on purpose.
Then again, I wouldn't have taken anyone to task about it on Facebook, either. It's like yelling in public.
Facebook, let's face it, can be a flaming menace. I also have to admit that I closed my account more than two years ago, maybe I'd feel different with the new security protocols they have now.
Turning to Christmas (yikes)... am I right about this?
"Guests are like fish - they stink after three days."
Well, now. Daughter 2's future MIL, recently and tragically widowed, is on the point of selling her house and will be in her other house (not as grand as that sounds, just nice family home) in France for Christmas. FMIL is French, not that it matters, only to explain.
Naturally she would like both her sons to join her in support. And naturally the sons would like their partners with them, too. So, very sweetly, because they're not yet married and D2 wants to be with me for her last Christmas as a single gal, FMIL has invited me to join them.
It is extremely nice of her and I hugely appreciate the kind thought.
Having said that...
Because Christmas is on a Tuesday and transport in this country is stupid, there would be no way of making the stay less than five nights long. And that is too long, isn't it. This isn't me being a hermit or miserable or standoffish - you can't spend five nights over Christmas with a hostess you don't know well (I've met her twice) and expect it not to go horribly wrong.
Hope I didn't miss anyone who greeted me. Thanks so much for the greetings, it's 6:48 a.m., just made a quick pitstop to say good morning to everyone, before I head out to work, of all things as a provider. HAAH!! I'm in week #3 right now, so really getting to know the woman I work for. I'll write about that later, for sure.
So glad to hear that some of you got some good hours of sleep also, I think it was Glad & Golden. Recently, I've had to bypass my much loved coffee! Now that I need to get used to a morning schedule, job starts at 8:00 a.m., I'm in dire need of quality sleep.
O.K., it feels good to come back here.
Have a great day,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
I am very sorry about the change your father's health has taken.
That is terrible that your step sister is behaving this way, especially at a time like this! Well do take care of yourself and your wife. I will keep you and yours in my thoughts.
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
Start of those maple floors, love them!
cmag - keep focussed on your dad. Your step sister is out of line. She accepted the job of POA.
duck - thx take care of you too.
I have to rejoice. I had a great 8 hrs sleep last night. This is very rare and makes for a much better day ahead than only 5 hours! My head hurts much less from the sinus infection, and I may venture out today. I need some fresh fruit and veg. and other items. Wish it was warmer, but at least we did not get inches of snow as places south did. Yay!!! Take care all.
Golden, my thoughts and heart is with you go through these sad and happy memories. I am at loss for words. Stay warm, take care of yourself and your heart.
Rays of love, light and peace to all especially the heavy hearted.
The only thing that I think is that she's venting a lot of frustration that she has been his POA and the coordinator of his 24/7 caregivers while I and my wife, both on disability, live 10 hours away with limited liquid means although she sits on a pile of money and goes on cruises when she and her husband want to. The way she wrote today on facebook reminded me of how her mother used to talk to me and what my step-sister apologized for after her mother's death. Her mother had no use for me just like my mother had no use for her husband's children from a previous marriage.
Like you say, the main thing is that my dad is dying and we must get ready for that.
She wanted the names of my dad's living and dead siblings. He only had 7, but I only knew 6. My dad wrote up his own obituary and wrongly stated that he had 9 siblings. I have his family tree records and so could give her their whole names. I even looked up the obituary of one of my uncles and there were only 7 siblings listed. She does not believe me. So, she is going to talk with his only living sibling who is 11 years younger than him.
Anyhow, I need to listen to my favorite music on Spotify via my smartphone for my tachycardia has been acting up today.
I remember when my Mom passed and I phoned everyone to see if they wanted to go to the hospital and pay their last respects. Only my younger brother came with me and while we were at the hospital one of my sisters who couldn't be bothered to come phoned me on my cell to complain about something my other sister had said. Ah, couldn't that have waited?
It always amazes me how petty people become during moments of crisis.
Magnum, stay strong!
fraz -glad you paid your respects to your friend. I am waiting to hear good news re mother. My sinuses are getting better thx, Sorry to hear your mum is back in hospital but I guess it is the best place for her. Your mum has a difficult diagnosis. Is her dementia Alz or Vascular or something else. I sure hope they can find the right combo of meds that works for her. To some degree it depends on the individual. I really think it is the only answer at this stage. Yeah, drama free time and peace are precious.
scared - dementias are dreadful. and that the burden falls on family so much is dreadful too. For those of us from dysfun fams the burden is greater. My PTSD kicks in and I have to give myself space. Hope you have more better days ahead.
duck - I am thankful a staff does contact me. Glad you are seeing the dysfunction more and more as separate from you and are looking at plans to get your own place. I am happy for you that you had a good time with friends at brunch and after, They sound like a lovely couple.
cmag -keep us updated about your dad.
Thinking about October 40 years ago when I was showing signs of going into labour with my youngest son. It was warm, sunny, with golden leaves on the trees. Today here it is cold, hovering around freezing, a bit more snow last night and not looking like it is going to warm up. much. I don't like it. Grateful for a warm house, that I can order groceries and can afford the help I need.
Take care, all. Be good to you.
warming went well. I have not dealt with your situation but what I have done with mother's expenses that aren't autopay was set up a cc in her banking institution in my name and use it for everything I can. I write a cheque for about $5000 and send it as payment about once a year and that pretty well looks after the year's incidental expenses. It is much more convenient for me to be able to use a cc rather than saving every little receipt and running to the bank for reimbursement. I want to set up some prepaid funeral arrangements too so I don't have to do everything all together at the end.
You have to pay it of the executor fee? That seems wrong to me but it as at it is. I don't believe mother set up an executor fee for me. I will charge all costs back to her estate.
Can you approach your bro or do you have a family member or friend who can? He is experiencing emotions due to your mum's death which makes it more difficult. Let us know how it all works out.
glad - interior paint!!! Aaargh to the goatheads.
madge - ah, the good old times! Thx I am waiting. somewhat apprehensively. for the call that mother is responding to meds. Sounds like your mum is doing OK, if not better, on the lowered dose.I can manage social interactions but look forward to being alone again.
ali -so glad your work situation is good for you. I can get invigorated by being with people too, but then need down time and don't need to be with many people much.
Margeaux!!! so good to hear from you. Sorry your mum is declining. I hope the NH gets on top of mother's emotions soon too, My sinuses are getting better slowly, Hope yours clear up soon and your ankle is better, but the dancing sounds like it was fun. Congrats on getting that job. Hope it works out for you.
going to start another post so I don't lose this