The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

CM,

Iam not able to spend time with him. I am too far away.

CMag, I'm very sorry to hear about your dad. Prayers for you both.

I'm sorry to hear that, CMag. Are you able to spend time with him? How are you coping?

It is the actuary's art, after all, to get the insurance cover as close as possible to meeting the customer's need, neither hopelessly short nor excessively generous. Some geek somewhere might be feeling quite pleased with himself.

The doctor has said that my dad only has a matter of days.

The person who has been his caregiver the longest said two months ago that she felt he would die once his long term care insurance ran out. It ended last month.

Here is an update about my dad who is 93 with Alzheimer's. He has taken a serious change for the worse as he is now bedridden and on morhiphine. This must mean that the end is near.

Frazzled
seroquel did nothing to help mom and rather than keep it increasing it, the neuro agreed to switch to risperdal
after two years, we are at the point of reducing the dosage to a quarter of the original scrip

I did read a few posts and want to respond without getting things mixed up.

Maurgeax, and Church it was good to see you both back and shinning.

Ali I am happy for you.

Golden, I hope meds workout for your mother. Its awesome that some staff are taking time to call and give you reports.

Frazzled, be strong and take care of your self. I can imagine how hard it is to watch your mother stuggle through this tryout of meds with so many diagnosis.

Its good to see posts about different psych meds. I do remember all the tv ads about certain meds. Sometimes the side effects out weight the reason for taking the med.

I also read post about church. The fiends I had brunch with are very spiritual. The husband was my prayer partner, and he is truly and insturment of God's work. They bothe minster to the elderly and they just got back from a wedding in Wisconsin where he was the best man for a senior whom he and wife cared for and looked after while in NY.

So, I didnt know there would be othere there and I felt uncomfortable at first but then when I sat down and listened to the nice quiet music in background and this old lady Silvia, 82 going on 83 so bright and smart and spiritual. and Cella whom I had met at resturant when we celebrated the husbands birthday. Well I tell you I could feel the presence of God and I got so tearful I had to step away before I started crying. Then we waled S home. Three of us with an elderly woman and a hell I feel was my grandmother or mother and love. It was deep and people would take notice as we walked. S showed us her closets, bathroom,cupboard everyroom!! LoL. Then when we got back, we met Mrs C. she had been hit by a van. Also in her late 80's. My friend came to see her in hospital every day she told the story and it bought tears. So I spent that evening listening to One woman tell how God changed her life. She had 10 children and a 45 grands, ended up in jail because her grandson was selling drugs. They had search warrant broke in the wrong apartment and then found a gun in her house., it was her husbands from way back in the days when men walked with guns (straped) with sometimes very good reason. Well anyway she got out with no record or charges but realizesd she was just passing through and that while she was in there to minister to the young girls. She say it was horrible and made us laught becuase she asked the girls why they didnt wear panties and they told her "grandma we are wearing thongs." (when I was growing up it was the worst feeling to get part of panties stucK)
Any way I did read some post about inroversion, I learned and was uplifted by these two very differrent elderly women. I felt honored and strenghtened to go back and deal with the toxic life I have right now. But in that gathering some things were said that I felt weere specifically meant for me to hear. Just like here on this post.

Welcome to some of the new people to the forum. You are in the right place. This forum is full of loving, wise, understanding people who are going through or been through similar if not the same pain and confusion that may have lead you here. This forum helped me maintain my sanity as I repaired my brokenness. Keep posting somewhere, somehow, someone will help you. :)

Rays of love and peace to all.

Greetings everyone. I have been off line for a good while. I way behind catching up. Last week I had some issues I wanted to vent about but I was too tired to do so.

Long story short. The house is falling apart and it is all blamed on me in one way or another. I am really pissed off and sad at the dsame time. I went off on my sister again when she demanded I call man back and that he caused a leak that was in the kitchen. I later heard from "aunt Jean that she says I let man come up and didnt watch what he was doing. Jean was there when I told the man to wait that I did not want him to go alone and expecially on mty tweisted floor.

Then I get a text from nephew saying I am clogging up pipes pouring human waste in toilet please stop, thank you. Phew!!! So I did not repsond. I just cant, its hard to communicate with people stuck on stupid. Unless an authority like the president says its not my fault then I am guiln one twisted senseless way or another. I accepted this craziness from my mother, realizing she was mentally ill and did a good job covering it. But its amazing to see this same phenomena in my sister and nephew. Its almost hilarious if I step out and look at it but in reality it is painful and so unjust.

So I am processing this new found light about my family and kind of scared about how long it took me to see this light. I am sad and stress and working on my goal changes mentally and financially to get away from this sickness and toxicity.

So saturday I am waiting for meals on wheels. MY sister is outside with man welding repairs to metal door. I dare not ask her if she is waiting on meals as I did the last weekend and was sharply told "no". I had noticed how she diligently waited for the meals when I came from trip and felt at least she was committed to that but it didnt last. Anyway I was going to meet some friends for "brunch" after the meals were delivered, I was going straight downtown to exchange a coat I bought for GD#3 who is turning 2 11/1, then stopping by for the brunch. I knew better than to ask her anything. I dont even think she knew I was down there.

Now here is the kicker, she bought the meals in. I saw the bags and quickly looked at the count of the trays I saw in one bag. The other bag was filled with the juice milk bread etc... I follow her in kitchen wondering if she is just going to leave them in fridge or put them away properly. She seemed hesitant as she was placeing bags in frige not freezer. I checked my self and went up to get dressed and when I go to put mealsin freezer they were there but not all. My sister had taken the three good ones upstairs. I heard her come up as I was getting dressed and thoughgt the guy was finishe with door and it wouldnt cause a problem to get out.

So the meals that come frozen are acutually really good although they will give a lot of fish sometimes. the one in the white paper like trays are absolutely delicious. And last week when I went to feed my mother I was wonder where these two trays went. Didnt see in garbage and I just assumed my oldest nephew who has street history took them for himself and decided to leave it alone and see what happens this weeek.
Well I got an eyeful. I could have said more to my sister but I just said strongly that the meals were for Ma. I was really befuddled. It was a grand victory over her adamant insistence to stop my mother from getting the service. She would call saying she does not need nor will she ever need. The supervisor came with caseworker because of the calls from my sister and nephew.

Seeing my sister for who and what she is took me a while. I am angry at how I have been played like a violin by my mother and sister for a lifetime. I am also angry about this constant theme in my life. Me longing for my mothers love and my mother putting twisted on a pedestal. she treats her like s8***t and when I tell twisted off for it they both turn on me.

I know I post long and hard sometimes.

Frazzled, did they diagnose something that has a standard treatment regimen, for convenience sake? Just seems a bit strange to me, I have not been through this, dementia is so unpredictable. Maybe they are trying to fit her into a diagnosis that is treated by those meds?

Seroquel worked great for my mom the majority of the time. But, ativan mom could not take as it had the completely opposite effect on her. It depends on the person being treated, for sure.

Yeah, I don't think the Seroquel is working very well. It was helping her sleep more, but as far as helping her paranoia and other symptoms, not so much.

I did finally talk to a social worker there in the ER. They are going to admit her to the hospital and wait for a bed again in the geri psych unit. I was able to find out too what her final diagnosis was from her last geri psych visit. They said she has schizoaffective disorder, histrionic personality disorder and dementia. It does make sense given her behavior and symptoms. She has only been treated for the schizophrenia symptoms and anxiety/depression before this last visit, so maybe they can try other meds this time around.

Frazzled, I was prescribed Seroquel off label to help me with my insomnia. I had a horrible reaction to it. The night this happened I ended up walking the streets at 4 in the morning trying to shake the feeling off. I've heard lots of bad things about this drug. Maybe you should suggest something else for your Mom.

I hate this disease. I also don't like dysfunction. I especially do not like the broken health care system and the burden it puts on families.

Some days are better than others

Frazz, I’m so sorry your mom is having such a hard time. I know it affects you as well. I hope you get some peaceful quiet time.

Hi everyone,

Golden, I'm sorry your mom still isn't feeling well. Hopefully she will do better with the med adjustments. It just takes some time. I hope you are feeling better too.

Gershun, I totally understand the fear of rejection and being self-critical. All the time I think, "Gosh, I hope what I said came out okay" when I'm talking to people I don't know. I tend to put my foot in my mouth a lot too.

Ali, your workplace sounds fun. Those times when I have worked with a group of people among whom I've had camaraderie it has helped get me out of my introvert shell, especially when the team has a good sense of humor.

SharynM, hope L is doing better, glad he has no broken bones!

Well, mom is back at the ER right now and is probably going back to the geri psych hospital. She was just discharged last Wednesday. Her facility called and said that she was having a meltdown, not wanting to go back to her room to let her nurse give her meds, and was psychotic and saying that people were coming to kill her, just totally freaking out. So they called the ambulance and she was fighting with them while they were trying to get her on the gurney, but are taking her to the hospital. I imagine I will hear from her caseworker there shortly to do the intake.

Again we had her Dr appt scheduled for tomorrow to follow up with her PCP about her insulin since the hospital changed the insulin and dosage this last time. Mom was adamant earlier that she wanted me to come up there this afternoon, and I told her I would see her in the morning when I talked to her earlier, and thought she had calmed down, but then I get the call from staff. Sigh. We'll see what happens. They said it seems like mom's paranoia has been worse since she got out of the hospital on the Zoloft and Seroquel, so the geri psych doctor probably needs to adjust her meds again.

I did attend the funeral the other day. It was awkward, as I didn't know many people there, but I am glad I was able to pay my last respects to my friend. I think I would've felt bad if I hadn't gone.

I think with all that has happened with mom, I just value time at home that is drama-free. Maybe that's part of why I don't get out as much. It seems like endless drama with mom, and I am totally about peace when I can get it.

Hi Margeaux!! Sorry I missed you. I hope you come back soon.

Introverting is my favorite thing to do. I give so much of myself to customer service and co workers I need the down time when I’m off. I enjoy the camaraderie at work, we are always joking around, but I am a true introvert when it comes to needing to recharge. I’m not what I would call shy.

L had his first injury yesterday that required a visit to urgent care, lol! He fell hurting his knee and was not able to walk. Today he is fine, no broken bones just badly bruised. That’s what happens when you jump off things you shouldn’t have climbed on in the first place.

There is is a new show on Wednesday nights on abc. “A Million Little Things”. It’s about the suicide of one member of a group of friends and how they process it.

Ali, good to hear you sounding so grounded and wise. You've come a long way from where you've been. It's good that you enjoy camaraderie at your work place. I've experienced that. But I've also experienced the opposite, where I barely exchanged two words with my coworkers. I think that was mostly on me. Just not interested in sharing myself with others. Mostly out of fear of rejection I think.

For instance today. There is this nice woman I see in the elevator. I've always fussed over her dog and we exchange a few words here and there. Today Hubs and I ran into her and her male friend in the elevator. I finally asked her what her name was and we all introduced ourselves and shook hands. Hubs said "you should try to be her friend" Yeah, I said, but she looks a lot younger than me and I don't want to look too needy, like I'm desperate for friends. I'm 56 but could still pass for my mid thirties. She looks like she is in her thirties. But I think, oh she wouldn't want to hang out with an old fart like me etc. etc. I guess it's this way of thinking that keeps me isolated and alone. :P

Margeaux, no more Ginger for you! I wish I could dance like that! So good to hear from you! Ahhhh, what you have missed!

Hi Everyone,

Glad, Golden, Book, Ali, Country Mouse, Send, Sharyn, & all of you lovely people!
It's been awhile, and it's not like I haven't been thinking of you all.

Anyway, what can I say, I just feel as if life kind of piled up on me last six months or so. I was looking for work mostly, and it took quite some time. But just two weeks ago I started a new gig. Of all things caregiving! HAAH! At first I didn't know whether to go ahead and do this. I'm signed up w/IHSS program. I'm working w/a nice lady for now. Well you all know how that goes, when everything is new & crisp it's all good. But truth be told she does seem to be o.k., someone I can work for. She loves to go to the $1.00 store a lot. One of the things that motivated me on to do this.....is through IHSS if you join the union, we can get medical insurance & even dental for $1.00 a month. The other thing was that I used to work in offices, as a secretary. But I just couldn't think of being couped up again, nor driving so early in the a.m. to a job like that.

I also sprained my left foot a week ago. I went to this beautiful backyard birthday party. There was a live band. So I told my man, "Let's dance." We did, & I was wearing these cute new heels. Well my husband & I were doing those partner moves on an uneven patio floor. We were dancing like Fred & Ginger, we even got compliments. Then when we were back at the table.......my foot became stiff then the pain. Oh Boy!! They got me some ice. But by the time we left, I asked my husband if they had a back door, because I had to take my shoes off, and felt embarrassed after such a lovely performance, and now I was injured. Truth be told I was feeling my age!!! HAAH!

Well, I had to call in sick the 2nd week, was out 2 days. Returned Wednesday - Friday. My foot seemed o.k., but on Friday night it got bad again. Landed up at urgent care Sat. Very sprained ligaments, so I'm wearing a small boot. Been icing the heck out of it. Today it's calmed down.

Anyway, looking forward now to having a bit more $$ in my pocket, and believe me I intend to by a new computer.

Well hope everyone is doing o.k.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Hi, Margeaux! I want to jump in and say hello before you disappear for another 6 months. (((((hugs))))) I hope you're doing well. Sorry to hear about your mother's decline. It's expected but also sad for you, I'm sure.

Golden, I read the poem you posted about introverts, and I think it was that same day someone in my Facebook circle posted something else about introverts. I wish I had saved it. I go so fast some days, browsing social media while at work sometimes, I don't pay close attention to things.

I had a dream awhile back that has stuck with me for months. In my dream, an imaginary woman friend showed me her Facebook account, where she had 37 friends. (I have around 800 Facebook friends at this point.) I said to her "You're doing it right." I've culled a lot of things in my life, learned much by doing so. This recent apartment move has reminded me of the value in living with less stuff. Maybe in the future I'll figure out the wisdom of having a dozen good friends, and focusing on spending time and energy on and with those people. I'm at a place where I have some casual friends who I may never see again back in LA, some from high school that I don't have much in common with and I don't see them either, another group here in Chicago that I know from music hobbies... and I see them rarely. I'm not sure how I feel about having so many "friends" but I don't spend time with any of them. It seems impractical... and I'm not trying to win any popularity awards. I'd rather have quality over quantity. But you wouldn't know it from how I interact socially... hm.

Golden,

I'm so sorry that your mom is feeling this way, the crying.
I hope that the people where she gets her care can resolve this for her.

My mom also is still hanging in there. But this summer we've noticed another decline of sorts, the next stage of the Alzheimers. The little emotional connection she's had, appears to be less and less. She kind of didn't recognize me, which hadn't happened before, thought I was her sister, remember the battle ax?
Actually she was the reason I ended up here at AC on this thread.

Hope your sinus issues clear up, I have them too.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

I read something the other day about introverts and how they expend energy in interacting with other people. It resonated with me. I just now Googled "poem introvert energy" and then looked at the images and there are a thousand short poems/sayings that sum up this idea that interacting with people is a drain to one's energy.

I find it to be both draining and invigorating to deal with other people... just depends on the situation. My coworkers have become such that, when I don't feel well in the mornings, I tell myself to just get ready and get into work and I know that talking with my coworkers will help me out from there. I enjoy their company and our camaraderie, and being around them helps me to get out of my "I don't feel that great" headspace and focus on our work. I think I'm very lucky to have them as coworkers right now.

I find social interactions exhausting especially the older I get

I've observed recently at work - more out of having to overhear their conversations than any interest in them, that when a new young man joined the team, the other young men seem to be very drawn to him but I can't quite figure out why - they hang out at his cubicle and talk football and ask if he's going to lunch - recently a young woman also joined the team, and I don't think anyone has checked in with her or invited her to lunch 🤔

Gershun,
I think you should start winking at everyone - it could be your new trademark - kinda like how some people call everyone Hun

All this talk of Norse cheese and I'm sitting here reminiscing about my uncle and aunt who used to stay with us when in town and they'd make big Norwegian breakfasts and we'd drive to the port and get smoked fish and visit the Norwegian wayfarer church for lefse - that was a long time ago - they were the first to die and mom missed them so for years

golden,
do hope they get mom some relief soon

it's been a full month now since the Viking's risperdal has been lowered - one of the staff told me she thought she is more alert now

Countrymouse, I’m not going to give it any thought. If she calls or whatever, I’ll make an assessment then. Surprised me when she showed up so late. I never have visitor’s simply stop by in the evening.

Interior paint colors look great!

Pulled probably a hundred goathead plant, which would probably lead to at least a thousand in the spring. They are indeed the nastiest weed I have ever had to contend with!

UsedUpDIL, you are not being too cautious. Not at all.

And no guilt. Please!

Sounds like your husband smells an ulterior motive. Trust his instinct and be grateful for his support.

Big hugs!

UsedupDIL, it was very sensible indeed of you to stick to your guns and tell that young lady that 'just talking' would have to wait for another time when you weren't on your way to bed. And, perhaps, when she had let you know to expect you and you had agreed to her visit. Which is how one normally goes about arranging social calls, is it not.

You did the right thing in every respect. You had concern for her wellbeing by making sure she wasn't at any kind of immediate risk. You kept normal boundaries and conventions in place. You were alert to but did not create or provoke a confrontation about the subtext to her visit.

Personally I don't feel that the ball is now in your court; I don't think you should feel any kind of obligation to follow up on this harmless incident. But it depends on how much you're prepared to offer this girl in the way of support. If you like her and think you can help her or usefully advise her or at least give her a listening ear without getting sucked in further than you want, then by all means give her a call and say you're just checking she's okay. But if, really, she is nothing to do with you and you can see very well that speaking to her would inevitably lead to "getting involved", just leave it be. You've done her no harm and you don't owe her anything.

Dorianne - can you write a check to yourself (as executor) for "miscellaneous expenses?

I loved Ryecrisp. I found a couple of good substitutes on Amazon. Wasa Crispbread Dark Rye was good. No Ryekrisp, but good.