The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

i don’t know if this is the right place to post. Briefly, I come from a relatively ordinary family. Both parents deceased. I have a sister who lives 2 blocks from me and she is my best friend. I came to AC because of my husband’s family. They are dysfunctional on many fronts. His siblings were trying to get me to take care of their parents. Not happening. That’s why I found AC. I’ve spent six years taking care of first my parents and then my husband for 18 months. I’m not stepping back into that role for anyone else. Now his niece is trying to manipulate me I think. I have never been close to this young woman. we all live in the same city, more or less in the same neighborhood. It’s mostly Polish, Hungarian, with a scattering of Germans, Austrians. Big close knit families. Mostly, Catholic or Lutheran. My husband’s family is Polish. My mother was Polish and my dad Hungarian. My husband’s family plays the family card at every turn. I’m not sure what this young woman wants but I’m sure something. She showed up on my doorstep at 9:30 last night to “just talk”. I told her I was sorry, but that it was late and I was ready for bed. I made sure she was driving and not out walking alone. Now this morning I’m feeling guilty that I turned her away. But I don’t want these family members intruding in my life. My husband was always very careful with them. He always said “give them an inch and they’ll take a mile.” I wonder if I’m being too careful?

golden - I will not disappear altogether! And yes, I am incredibly happy to be home. The house re-warming went very well - so nice to be at home with my besties for company!

CM - My brother has been such a judgey, self-centered person for so long that punching him in the face never occurred to me. Really, I feel sorry for him. I think he leads a very lonely life but has no real clue as to why. Brother was ok with me getting an advance, but that was before he blew up at me for not being responsible (i.e.; not already having money put aside somewhere). The lawyer didn't think mom's bank would let me have one, since the accounts are frozen, and the matter kind of ended there.

cwillie - I do know about Executor fees, and mom even put it in her will. She didn't put how MUCH, however. The maximum in BC is 5% of the gross assets, but the representation agreement from the lawyer says I have to negotiate the amount with the other beneficiaries (which is my brother).

I could actually use some advice from the rest of you about this Executor fee business. The representation agreement is for the lawyer to probate the will, but there are still a ton of things listed for me to do as Executor. Some things are going to have to be paid for, and I can ask the lawyer and his assistants for help with some of the admin stuff, but they will charge me for that separately - if I do get their help, the agreement says I'll have to pay them out of the Executor fee.

The problem I'm having is that under BC Trustee law, you're supposed to try to negotiate the amount with the other beneficiaries - that being my brother. I don't know how to even negotiate this with my brother after this latest outburst from him. The other option is to leave it to the court. But then I have to explain to the lawyer that brother and I had a falling out, plus who knows how long that will tie up the Estate?

My other problem is that, no, I don't have the funds to pay for things out of pocket and get reimbursed later. I just don't. It's not that I would mind being reimbursed....IF I could pay for stuff. But I'm just barely going to get by myself, and getting by (you know, paying rent, eating, etc.)......that is going to take some creativity on my part until I have an income again. I have just enough left in my savings to pay my rent and bills another two months, and that's where it's going to end. I never believed in debt so I don't have things like credit cards or lines of credit. I've paid cash for everything, all down the line. Maybe not the wisest way to go (and probably why bro thinks I'm irresponsible), but it's done and I can't change the past. It's not that I have bad credit, it's just that I don't have any. That's one of the things I hope to rectify by being a property owner, but in the meantime.....I don't know how to come up with the funds to pay for things like notaries, couriers, trips to Vancouver to sign things, etc. I can write a cheque as mom's Executor, and the nice lady at the bank will put it through if I phone her, but I don't want to have to write a cheque for every little stamp, and how do I pay for the gas to get to Vancouver? Write a cheque to myself? Again, I really don't think that's appropriate, to be writing cheques to myself. Do I have to run out and get the first job I can find, just so I can afford to be an Executor?

I guess this is my basic problem, which I could use advice about....how to you act as an Executor when you don't have the financial means to be one? And what should I be thinking of in terms of an Executor fee, and how am I going to get my brother to agree (so that it doesn't get dragged out through the courts.

Sure would appreciate your input.....

Ryekrisp. But I don't think it is made anymore.

My fave was on hot buttered toast! Yum!

It is almost gjetost season. I just love it, on waffles, crackers, lefse, but not in krumkake. 😉

Welcome Marium and upsetdil.

glad -it has been very busy. Good to see. Creamed smoked roe??? Let me know how it is. I miss gjetost.

On the mother front, a very friendly aide who seems to be one of the two who contacts me, called early last week to say they were starting mother back on risperdal ( as the dr had said ti me) and then called again recently to tell me so far there isn't any difference. Mother is still crying. They will keep her on the present dose for a few more days and then increase it if she hasn't improved. I gather the crying is likely due to her condition worsening, as nothing else has changed.

I did some reading on the last stage of Va D and that suffering in people with dementias, cancer etc can be measured by a MSSE test (Mini-Suffering State Examination scale) which has 3 sub groups according to degree of suffering. 0-3(low) 4-6 (intermediate) and 7-10 (high).
I estimate mother to be in the intermediate group. The goal is to assess suffering near end of life and reduce it as much as possible.

I guess they are working on that. I am thankful that this aide takes the trouble to watch mother and call me. I hope the risperdal will help mother. I hate to think of her in emotional pain and surely it can be alleviated somehow at this stage of her life;.

This is a horrible waiting game, as most of you know.

I have a sinus infection again or still - not sure. Anyway peroxide rinses and gargle help. I just have to be persistent. I have found that Tylenol is helping the general ache/pain issues and is "calming" as well. This is being studied as Tylenol blunts emotions - both ups and downs. Right now that is helpful for me. Not noticing much difference in the ups, but some improvement in the downs. They aren't huge downs, but may as well feel as good as I can.

Snow here today Way to soon!!!!

Take care all, Be good to you.

Golden, I too just do not feel the least bit lonely even after days and days. Easy to fall behind, this page has been very busy today.

Do enjoy hearing from my kids especially when dd#2 sends me pics of her IKEA finds, and for all you Scandinavians out there, Madge and Golden? Creamed smoked roe, DD bought some today and is visiting next weekend. Maybe she will bring it here. I would love to try. Supposed to be quite tasty. Will let you know.😲

Well I am waaaay behind and not up to commenting on everything, but will respond to some.

Gershun what you posted about grief has been on my mind, I don't think you are experiencing anything abnormal. I still have some "grief bursts" over my son who died over 16 years ago. I became a hermit when I was grieving heavily and really haven't come out of it much, but then I am an introvert and don't care for a lot of company. I think we are not the same person after we have lost a very loved one.

Here is a little saying on introverts I posted on my f/b page a few days ago. It describes me well. I spend days without any human contact other than through my computer and I don't feel lonely.

People drain me.
That’s why I embrace
Silence and Solitude,
 I can spend days and days without
Any human contact,
Not feeling lonely
for even a moment.

Willowcat

re church, I too find that they cater to young people. The music deafens me and my hearing is not as good as it was. R wears ear plugs when he goes. I don't go much as my energy is limited, but I have a rich prayer and bible study life, a strong faith and a few friends I can share with. I totally agree with :when 2 or 3 are gathered. He didn't say when 20 or 30, or 200 or 300...

dori - so glad to see you back posting . Please don't disappear altogether. Sorry but I think your bro is a first class j*rk. Do get some help with the executor duties. I plan to when the time comes. You sound so happy to be back home.. Hope the home re-warming goes well. Bruce killed his first spider Yay!!!!

fraz - I understand. Let us know whether or not you went. Since various "heavy" events in my life, and caregiving mother is one, I have given myself permission to do or not do according to what I can cope with. not according to social expectations. And the sky hasn't fallen in, and my friends seem to understand. The family who are not friends don't understand what ever I do. Look after you.

marium - welcome - you do sound burnt out. Is there any way you could arrange some respite time? The paranoia is hard to deal with and so are her feelings towards your hub. Is there money to move her to an AL? You might check out of she is qualified for medicaid. Some ALs take medicaid. I suspect she will not be happy no matter where she is.

sharyn - so glad your bro is making progress even if slow.

glad - giving notice wow!!!!

stacey, trying, guest and all .Thinking of you. Group hug, ((((((((all)))))))))

Witness Protection Program? LOL Send! I could always say that I'm just out on day parole and then everyone might think twice. Maybe punch myself in the face really hard so my face looks swollen. If anyone looks at me I'll just say, it's really tough in general population especially in the shower room and bring a big cushion with me to sit on, maybe wink at people when they stare.

Marium
can mom afford assisted living? Or at least a two week respite stay in one?

Feeling burned out after 3 years and no real vacation. Like I would love a 2 week vacation with my Hubbie. Mom is getting more paranoia. Keeps accusing me of taking money out of her purse. She doesn’t like her son in law even though he’s nice to her and she lives with us for free. Does not seem grateful and says wants to move.

It's a fact of residual misogyny, if you ask me, Send.

Though it might also be a compliment, looked at in a certain light? Years after the event I was aghast to hear that my divorced friend had once been pinned up against a wall and interrogated about her attitude to husband-stealing (knowing the alleged aggressor, this story was credible); but I later reflected that the paranoid one hadn't bothered asking me, and I was just as divorced as my friend was. Well, humph. I accepted she was much prettier than me but I was a little miffed to be considered no threat at all :(

Moved from that county so many years ago, CM.
Caregivers on here who know me also know that I am difficult to get to know, but have experienced some difficult times as a divorced woman at church. The wives and single women all welcome the single men, even inviting them to their homes for dinner, but reject the woman attending alone.
It is just a fact of human nature.

Today, I am married for 18 years this November.

LOL, Send! Nice one :D

But are they still wondering today if it might have been a double bluff..?

Good question, Countrymouse! "What are you there for?"

When I first attended one church, the pastor greeted me. I said that I did not want to meet anyone, I was there to worship God. Three visits later, I went out afterwards for dinner/snacks with the group. People definitely wanted to find out about me. I said: "Do you know about the witness protection program?", sensing gossip seekers ears perked up, gathered around now to listen, when seconds before were engaged in a group conversation behind me.
then, I said: "Well, I have nothing to do with that."
and smiled.

I have a suspicion that RBF is used mainly by people who think they're being witty and au courant, and has nothing to do with their genuine opinion of what you or anyone else looks like.

Anyway it's better than RDF *

*resting dumbass face.

...that when two or three are gathered together in thy Name thou wilt grant their requests...

is as close as the Book of Common Prayer gets to defining a quorum; and to be frank two or three is pretty miserly compared with other religions' requirements (you need ten for a minyan in Judaism, e.g., and of course in the olden days it had to be ten males over the age of thirteen, what's more); but nowhere does it say, or not that I've ever heard of, that you can't study and pray on your own; and certainly not that you have to be on speaking terms with other people in the church before you're allowed to sit down.

I'm not sure you can go anywhere and expect people not to show that they have noticed you, a new face, suddenly among them. Assuming they're not so rude as to say "who the heck are you" they're bound to have the odd peep at you, aren't they? I should just smile back serenely, and say "I'm doing research" if you find them unduly intrusive.

I remember the first time I went to a church service where the ghastly modern fashion for exchanging peace greetings had been adopted. You probably have to be English to feel the full horror of making contact with another person in public, let alone actually touching, not to mention wishing an individual you don't know anything at all except possibly 'happy birthday'... Anyway, that first time I was so unprepared and appalled that I was struck dumb and unable to participate. Nobody minded, they just went round me.

The point is, so what if you go and they sing the wrong hymn to the wrong tune and you overhear whispers and the pastor either blanks you or takes your hand in both of his and won't let go until you're afraid you'll be stuck there 'til Thursday... if, in short, it's an ordeal?

At least you've tried.
What's the worst that can happen?
What are you there *for*?

I think we might in danger of just vaguely dreading something that probably isn't there. Doesn't matter, until it stops you doing what you would otherwise want to do.

Gershun, I’ve been told the “resting bitch face” comment too.

Yes, I know what you mean Gershun.
Can you bring the brownies?

So, that is not your gift, or role. But you do have a gift.

After a good nights sleep, I can now recommend going to a well established home bible study, with both male and female attending. Find a huge church (to blend in), go once to discover the Bible study, then go. Once there, you can find one or two other persons to study with.

I went to bible studies for years to learn with others.

It does say somewhere in the Bible "Wherever two or more are gathered in my Name" so if I could just find one other person out there to gather with, we could sit and discuss Jesus and the Bible and that could be my Church.

I may still visit this Church in my neighborhood but what I would hope to have happen is just to blend in. I'd rather that than to have the church welcoming committee sign me up to bring the cookies for after service the next week.

There needs to be a happy medium there. Spare me the effusiveness but don't give me the sideways glance. You know what I mean? I've been told I have "resting bitch face" so that will probably suffice.

Countrymouse, Got up this morning and decided to be proactive. I called 14 other senior women and invited them over this evening for a potluck to discuss our needs at church. See if anyone has any suggestions, any desire to hire a senior minister, etc. Maybe we’ll have some good ideas on what direction to take.

Gosh you all are busy this morning! Will stop in later, I need to get up, check in with contractor maybe give notice to landlord. Saturday coffee and egg pie. No WiFi at coffee shop.😕

Dori great you are home!

Frazzled, go if you can possibly bear to.

If your friend's family only notices you in passing, or don't even see you individually, you will still be adding to the total tribute she is getting.

You will have performed a mitzvah, which is good karma (cramming in all the cultures, here!).

Not even if you are the most self-critical person will you later be able to beat yourself up for failing to carry out a duty. Being there is the only requirement. You do not have to give a sermon, or be ready with the perfect words of comfort.

Similarly if there's a book to sign - just put 'in gratitude' or something and sign it. There is no such thing as pithy or original, and/but there is no such thing as wrong either. Unless you have a brainstorm and try to compose a Limerick on the spot or something, obviously - but you are not going to do that, are you.

And if you need to give yourself a run-up to face a congregation, tell yourself you will set off and if it's really too much you can always turn around and come home again.

I personally reach for the nearest prayer book and look absorbed, if I haven't got anyone to talk to. You learn more about the lunar calendar like that than you'd ever have guessed there was to know.

I can relate to feeling out of place in groups. I think since everything with mom, I have become more reclusive myself. Mainly just due to being tired physically, mentally and emotionally. I'm introverted anyway, but I used to get out and socialize more often than I do at present.

I'm Christian and I pray, but I haven't been to my church a lot lately. I used to attend quite a bit, but for the reasons described above, I just can't motivate myself to go. Nothing against anyone there. I love many of the people, but I find it's just being around groups of people in general. I don't feel depressed, just tired. And when anyone asks how I'm doing, friends included, there are just a very few who would and do understand what it's like with my mom. And of course, you guys here, which I'm grateful for.

I also suffer a bit I think from social anxiety. I had a friend pass away this week. I hadn't seen her in person for about 5 years, as she lived in a different town, but she and I stayed in touch by phone and online and we last talked back in July. She and I had supported one another through some hard times, and her health lately had not been good.

So the funeral is later this afternoon and I have really been going back and forth with myself on whether or not to go. Is that bad? It's just, I don't know, I do know a few people that will be there, but I didn't know her family well. We were work friends initially and then stayed in touch through the years after I left the job. I'm honestly anxious about attending. Part of me feels I should go to pay my respects, but another part of me feels awkward.

But... But.. CM! You're across the pond! Well... Come to think of it, I'm also across the pond. Yes, we need a minister that crosses multi-national boundaries or lines.

You know that an executor can be paid for the work the do Dorianne so I would seriously consider keeping track and submitting a bill to the estate, and considering you haven't been earning during your care years the tax burden wouldn't even be a consideration. Bro shouldn't share equally when he has left it all to you right from the start.

Book, I'm not absolutely sure you want God getting blunt with you. On all the occasions when He has sent a particularly clear message I don't think people have liked it over much.

Lots of ministers of all types seem to recommend sitting still as a good first step, when it comes to refreshing the soul. I haven't heard one say how helpful it is when people come and bang on the door and roust you out, though. I know it's difficult, especially in a tight-knit community, to tell people to sod off and leave you in peace without giving offence, but can you perhaps tell them that at the moment you are not ready for their visits and you are sure they would not want to intrude?

Dorianne...

You are doing incredibly well.

You did not, for example, get incandescent with rage, go round to your brother's house and deck him the moment he opened the door. Must have been tempting, no?

Or...

"Thank you so much for your advice. I am having it transcribed and framed just in case any of it might slip my mind."

Meanwhile, to return to the actual question: unless there are substantial outstanding debts owing or owed, there should be no reason why an equal advance should not be paid to both of you; but what did the lawyer say? And apart from his budgeting tips, did dearest bro have any meaningful objection to this obvious cash flow solution?

"Perhaps we need a minister for seniors."

HEAR, HEAR!!! YES! GET ONE!