The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

I've learned that if I go to a pastor/religious leader for counseling, they will always tell me to pray to God, read the Bible and He will answer me. But I mustn't expect Him to answer me the way I want. It will be His way. And so I must be open to whatever it is that happens. Because God does answer but we're not seeing it because we're expecting something else as the solution. Heck! All of my family knows that I don't get hints or subtlety. They've learned to just ask straight out or tell me straight out because any hints goes right over my head.

Today, niece (oldest sis' daughter) said that she's yearning for spiritual stuff but she's not getting it from her current religion. She asked me for recommendation. Wrong person to ask. I told her that I'm having the same problem with my religion. I want to attend a religion that would refresh my soul. So we both made a deal. If either one of us finds one, we would tell the other. She was thinking of joining my religion! I definitely persuaded her Not!!! {{{ shudder }}} I think .. it's almost time for them to do one of their 'unannounced' visits. My mind has been thinking of it lately. Whenever my mind locks on this, that means they will be coming soon. sigh.. headache coming on... They really stress me out. Religion shouldn't do that to their members... One day .. I will find a nice refreshing religion.

Book, this bit: "The guest speaker then asked if anyone else in the group were experiencing what the 2 of us were going through. No one."

No one? Tchah! Yes lots - but nobody was willing to stand up and be counted in front of the others once they knew the group's attention was on them (or they hadn't been listening to the question and certainly didn't want to admit to that).

I love that the speaker's solution to your difficulty in keeping track of time was you should both make appointments to see a therapist (spot the obvious flaw in that plan..?).

About not fitting in with the group or being weird, that's how I felt whenever I attended a few times of the monthly caregiver's group. People told their stories and cried. I was .. not. It seemed that what I was going through, they were not. Plus I was too ashamed to tell out loud that my dad verbally/physically abused me and bedridden mom... There was that one time a newcomer attended the meeting. She was taking care of her elderly husband (she's younger than him). She had raised her hand and asked if it's normal to 'lose time'. She would forget hours and not even know it. I gasped and whispered to her, "You too!!!" She turned and whispered some examples. I nodded emphatically and said that I sometimes had 100% no memory of it happening - that very morning of the event! The guest speaker then asked if anyone else in the group were experiencing what the 2 of us were going through. No one. The speaker emphatically urged both of us to seek therapy. {scoff!} As if we had time between our full time job and caregiving. Yes, she too was a full-time worker - but at home... I always made a point to attend the meeting if it's educational - like lawyer, Medicare, how to sponge bathe a bedridden person, etc... I just wasn't into the verbal sharing of what I was going through.

Therapy doesn't work for me. I refuse to give up pieces of myself out of fear of remembering my deeply hidden past.

Anyway, this is so long I've had to start a second post, so I won't go on and on too long, lol. Feels a bit selfish to just post about me and run! But I do feel so connected to you all, I don't want to just disappear altogether from the forum. I feel now that I'm home, things will finally settle down for me. I can do all the Estate work at mom's, and work through her belongings there, and treat it like a job....and still come home at the end of the day, back to my real home. 

Home is where the cats are. Carmella, my 14-year old girl, settled in right away. I moved her "sleeping chairs" (my two armchairs), so she has been testing out which location she prefers. I think by the window. Bruce is a bit confused and less sure of himself, but I brought the big cat treehouse back home along with the cats, so that seems to make sense to him.  After living his first year basically in a hermetically-sealed skybox, tonight he encountered a HUGE spider for the first time, running across the living room carpet. HUGE like the universe put it there for him - easy first prey. Well, he killed it, and he put it in his mouth a few times, but he refused to eat it. Such an urban innocent.

Tomorrow I am doing a "phone meeting" with a friend in Kelowna, who happens to be a CPA. I'm hoping she can help me sort through the "lawyer-ese" on the representation agreement before I sign it, and also help me by doing the tax stuff. And also I'm making potato and bacon soup. Apparently the element on my oven is broken. I haven't used it since 2017! So I can only cook on the stove....might as well be the dish I'm most famous for. 

I am having a very small potluck tomorrow, actually. October 1 is my 22nd anniversary in my own little riverside "shack." So it's a "house re-warming." Just best guy friend, BFF and her hubby, and hopefully my old property maintenance boss, who is also my awesome friend (and a landlord, from whom I will need lots of advice if I am going to be an investment property owner). I'll have the soup and drinks ready. BFF found fresh corn and watermelon at a farm stand, and is trying to think of a meat dish. BGF is a starving musician but French loaves are like two bucks at Safeway, lol. 

I am so happy to be home. I don't even care how chaotic or shabby things still are (or seem) at home - I just want to enjoy my own space again, and share that feeling with my closest friends, the ones who were there for me throughout the caregiving. I want to put my space back together, and rebuild my life, and plan for my future as a destitute old lady/artist/landlord. 

I feel sad for my brother, that he thinks this life is somehow an invalid one.

You guys, I'm home. This is my first night in my own home since those three weekends I got in January, and my first night permanently home since April 2017.

I know I haven't been around much. The time leading up to mom's death, and the time after....I dunno. It's been chaotic but it's also been....I guess I've needed a break from talking about caregiving, or reading about it.

But tonight I'm home, and it's like....I feel high being home. I'm not even drinking or drugging. I just feel high.

This has been a bit of a hell week for me. Brother dumped the Executor work in my lap, but he's not bowed out completely. He's elected to be in "reserve," meaning he can step back in and micromanage at any time. Yes, things have gone off the rails with him and I. And we were doing so well.

Things WERE going well. Then I had the temerity to ask the lawyer if there's any chance of getting an advance on the Estate, since I've been mom's full-time caregiver the last year and a half, so I don't have a job yet, and I'm pretty darned broke right now. I think I embarrassed bro. He turned around and gave me three separate lectures (one on the phone and two on e-mail) about my irresponsible lifestyle....basically how he's the ant and I'm the grasshopper, and it's time to become the ant before I become a destitute old lady. And also I need to let go of this torch I'm carrying for the past.

That was Monday. I never replied to the e-mails (which came after the phone thing), and we haven't been in touch since. My first mental reaction was, "Lol, wut?" But it's just made me madder and madder all week. Especially since everything's been dumped on me since mom died. What to do with the body, the funeral arrangements, dealing with her bank accounts and investments, the will and the lawyer, and now being Executor and also all of mom's belongings. Fancy getting a lecture on responsibility by the person dumping all the responsibility on you!!!!!

You know what p'd me off about the whole lecture on "the inheritance" and my financial life is....I'm getting by, I have zero debt, and I do have a plan. He KNOWS I have a plan. It's a pretty good plan. It's right about in the middle of what my brother would do and what 23-year old me would do. (Except that I'm not 23, I'm 49, and I'm not stupid, either.) A lot of his lecture included things that are actually in my plan. And, no, it's not exactly what he would do......because we have different values and goals. But it's still a good plan, and I actually feel pretty confident about my future.

Also I have no idea what torch he thinks I'm carrying for the past. I really have no idea where he gets this. He actually knows nothing about me or my life. We have barely spoken in 10 years. But when I mentioned this torch-carrying accusation to my friends, every one of them did the screwed up their faces and said the equivalent of, "Lol, wut?"

Things were going so well, too. Sigh.

Anyway, that's that for my family, I think. The connection to my brother was tenuous at best, but I'm not truly sad to be seeing the end of it ahead. He has no idea what my life is. He's not interested in learning. He's not the least bit accepting of the idea that us having different values and goals is okay. Also he has no friends and I think I FINALLY understand why. Holy crap, the guy visited mom twice in three years - for timespans of a few hours, not days, and never offered to spell me off once - and then lectures me on personal responsibility?

Best guy friend, who is my spiritual brother, is the only one among my friends still trying to make me not give up on my brother. "You're not going to just never talk to him again, though, right?" "You know, that lecture is the same lecture I get all the time, being a musician. ALL THE TIME." But BGF comes from the Cleaver family. He will never get it. He will never understand that blood family is NOT always the most important thing in one's life.

More.....

Countrymouse, Thank you for the comments. I live in an area where the population has declined with people migrating south for better weather and jobs. The area I live in is notorious for the high snowfall and cold weather off the Great Lakes. The church needs the younger people. Maybe us oldies need to band together to make our voices heard. I know the church looks to more senior members for the financial support we provide. I know this because I’m an accountant by profession and I work on the church financial committee. I also know how often and how much I am asked for money. The church hired a youth minister a couple of years go. Perhaps we need a minister for seniors. In a nearby town I saw where they had a minister who specialized in seniors.

That IS your church, UsedupDIL. It makes me really sad to think of established communities being ousted by incomers. You can see the church's point of view - young families mean more members for longer - but I think they make a mistake both about how they're perceived and even more importantly what they're for if they don't make an effort to include everyone who wants to belong there.

I'm very carefully staying out of the politics of it (anyway, I mean, not just for forum rules) but there was a t.v. story about a church in a small town which has become a one-stop rescue centre for refugees. The work it's doing is important and certainly Christian, and I don't argue with that for a moment. What did make me purse my lips was the attitude of the young (to me, i.e. under forty?) lady vicar when she was asked about her existing congregants. There were not many of them. And they were all very old and had been coming to this church all their lives. And having services read in Armenian or whatever it was, and unfamiliar liturgy, and music they couldn't recognise as such, was upsetting them quite a lot. I expect they wouldn't have minded so much if room had been found for both forms of prayer, and if not *all* of the traditional furniture had been removed to accommodate clothing and food banks; but as it was they were made to feel not only rejected but narrow-minded for not enjoying the change. And the vicar had, or at least showed, not a shred of sympathy or understanding for them. It was very sad.

I bet you are not the only person in your age bracket who feels as you do, you know. Have you asked around? This is your church. Room has to be made for everyone. Before you vote with your feet - argue!

I thought the problem I was having was unique to my area, not churches in general. In my area there seems to be a trend to cater, almost exclusively to young families or young singles. Older members are on the margins, with older women even more on the margins. But I hope I can find a church if I keep looking.

Gershun, I would try the church you were looking into attending. You may have found a good fit for you and you won’t know if you ndon’t give it a try.

My church has changed in many ways over the years. I was christened in this church at five months. I’m 59 yrs old. It’s changed geographical location. Big change in doctrine. It went from being affiliated with a traditional conference within the denomination to joining an evangelical conference (this was by congregational vote).

O tempora o mores! - Gershun, what that pastor said about one to one counselling had nothing to do with you and everything to do with current news headlines. It's a sign of the times.

And it's been going on quite a while now - fifteen or sixteen years ago I hired a tutor for my daughter and her best friend, who'd taken it into their contrary teenage heads to learn Ancient Greek, and among the first things he said to me was "I will not have pupils set foot in my house." Well! The man was as gay a maypole, for a start, and well over fifty, and besides I wouldn't have given life insurance to anyone who tried to lay an unwelcome finger on either of those girls; but I took his point. If you are seen never to be in unsupervised communication with anyone you cannot be the subject of suspicion or accusation.

Which must make life a bit difficult in the confessional. But that is more than I know.

Thinking of the comments about feeling unwelcome in the church, are we talking about the church or the congregation, or not making a distinction? Only last week I was listening to two bright and lovely ladies bitching - sorry, but they were - about what a bully another lady in their Talmud class was. Attending places of worship and religious study evidently does not in itself make people any better behaved than they are at, say, the local swimming baths.

But ministers are like doctors for the soul. Especially in that it's not reasonable to expect them to understand you as a patient until they've got to know you a bit.

Also in that some are better than others at things like talking and listening. But they can't turn you away.

All churches are different. They're a bit like people that way, in my opinion -- they're unique to themselves. Give it a try, Gershun, you have nothing to lose but a couple of hours... or even 10 minutes if you walk in and instantly don't like it. You could walk right back out. But give it a try.

Why do you think that women are unwelcome in the church? I've been considering attending a local church in my new neighborhood but now am reconsidering after what I've been reading here. Maybe, I won't be welcome there.

Since my husband died 5 months ago, I do not feel very welcome in church. We both had attended this church since early childhood. My husband had felt for several years that we weren’t very welcome because we were a couple without children. Now I feel it is because I am a woman alone. I have been looking at other churches in my community. So far I have not found a church that offers anything exclusively for unmarried women.

I really think the church is creating a place that makes women feel like they are unwelcome. The church needs to have women in leader who can counsel.

PZ, I am HOME too! I guess I shouldn't complain about too many people. But, wait. What would be worse a conference with 500 people or a grumpy old man at the shore for five days? HMMM, have to think about that for awhile.

Yes, I am home. Very relieved to be here. Drive was fine. Returned to chilly weather, it was warmer in the mountains.

Checked on my house, so much for major progress. The interior is painted, the driveway was poured.... Cabinets still in garage, maple flooring in boxes inside. Maybe next week? The paint looks great! Stopped by decorator and chose grout color for tile.

Gershun - the problem with going to a pastor/priest for counselling is I'm pretty certain I already know what they are going to say - all that talk about trusting in god's wisdom and taking it to him in prayer and believing that heaven is a better place. If you find that isn't working you end up with a sense of guilt that your faith isn't strong enough to overcome your problems so you can end up feeling worse than when you started.

Well I am back from a 5 day trip to the shore with hubs and FIL. As mom is visiting Aunt and family from TX, and you have all heard the stories about BIL leaving FIL home alone while he and wife go on vacay.. I thought this would be a good trip with just hubs, and daughter for few days.. NOPE! He invited his dad because this could be his "last trip" to see the places he loved 30 years ago. I get it, and I was gracefull about it.. BUT.. This is one grumpy old man! HE is 95, and he bitched about everything! Where we ate, what we ate, how different everything was from 30 years ago. We stay at a friends beautiful home, he was jealous it was nicer than his home here, kept saying how they have "too much stuff" and looking for their bar ( they don't drink), and I am so very careful when I am there ( although they consider us family ) and so try to keep it perfect! And I never heard him swear so much in my life.. I actually made a comment about it. My hubs tried so hard to plan things he could do.. I am so very glad to be home, and we have a new appreciation for my Mom, who can be grumpy but NOTHING like this!

Again, CM you are so right. I think when I stopped attending the grief counselling I mentioned, the pastor was probably relieved. I made him uncomfortable cause when he pointedly said, "I don't counsel women on a one to one basis cause people might get the wrong idea" I responded, I don't get that type of thinking. Didn't Jesus let a prostitute wash his feet and then dry them with her hair.? Big silence ..................I think I heard crickets in that room. I never went back after that night and no one called to inquire on my well being.

And another thing, I never asked him to counsel me on a one to one basis anyhow. So why he brought that up is beyond me.

I'm beginning to wonder if we were separated at birth - !

I tried to explain to D1 the difficulty of getting myself integrated into groups, and it ended up coming out as "people don't like me." Which of course she instantly rejected, in fact it would have been rude of her not to, but although that isn't what I meant, isn't true exactly like that, the *effect* is the same. I seem to make other people uncomfortable no matter how self-effacing I try to be.

And by the way - you think you're the weird one in the room? You do realise, don't you, that without exception so does every other person there. It's length of membership and the formation of bonds with other individuals that helps them get comfortable.

Thinking back to the large mother-and-baby circle I belonged to, oh so many years ago, I spent the first sessions ready to weep with boredom. Then one Wednesday the hostess started on about her new vacuum cleaner and as I inwardly wailed and literally crossed my eyes I also caught the eye of a woman across the room - with whom I am still friends, over thirty years later. I can't think there is anything wrong with singling out other misfits and forming your own subset.

Also: expectations. Suppose - oh darn, I've missed it for today what a pity - I did go on that cycling group and was allowed to tag along for an hour while six or eight other ladies carried on their conversations. I wouldn't feel part of the group, but I would get a bike ride and the following week - assuming they didn't say 'oh God not her again' - their faces would be that bit more familiar and their conversations might hold more interest for me. I wonder if we're expecting too much, too fast?

Gershun, yes, I get what you're saying. And I'll qoute you a piece of wisdom:
" If you find that you're the smartest person in the room, you need to find a new room".

Your cohort is out there, I promise.

CM, joining a group............I don't know. I join groups and then I sit there thinking that I must be the only weird person in the room. Don't get me wrong, I'm not weird..............I just feel like I am. I have always had a tendency to say things to cut through the BS in the room, any room. Then everyone in said room looks at me like "she just said that?" Then one of two things happens. The other person in the room that feels like me, approachs me and we isolate ourselves which kind of defeats the whole purpose, or no one gets me and i isolate myself, AGAIN.

Yes, I'm that person. Remember the movie Good Will Hunting? I was like Matt Daman's character except without the genius factor. He had trouble finding peers and so do I.

But Countrymouse, you do it anyway if it, whatever is is helps you. Don't wait for me.

Big hugs, Gershun.

I know it's not the first time I've said this, but about the never seeing anyone to speak to and not knowing how to connect - I'm just the same.

Doesn't help that I don't have the dog any more. Or that I haven't worked in a company since 1989 (I started freelancing to fit work round the kids and never went back). But most of all I know it's me.

There is a knitting circle at my local library, once a week. There are reading groups dotted around the place. A man from the local Historical Association pushed a leaflet into my hand the other day. I volunteer at our local hospital, and lots of the other volunteers get together and do stuff. There is a church literally next door. There is a gym, and there is a tennis club, and there is a ladies' weekly cycling group - meets today at a quarter to twelve, in fact, just round the corner.

So what's stopping me? Not a thing. But here I sit, hiding. 'L'enfer c'est les autres.'

How about... I will if you will?!

Gershun, have you thought about taking a fun class at a local community college or Joann’s or Michaels? Take something that will be fun and learn a new craft.

Thanks everybody. You all make good, valid points. I think my problem right now is isolation. I never see anybody except my Hubs and my two cats. I go grocery shopping and that is my big day out. I've been trying to go to the workout facility we have here too but it's usually empty when I go. It's like life is conspiring to keep me alone. My Mom was my only true friend. I've had friends that came and went throughout my life but my Mom was my only constant friend. I know I probably come across as outgoing in my posts but I'm really a shy person most of the time. The thought of joining another group just makes me tired at the thought of it.

I don't know. Lately, I've been feeling like I'm going to die soon. I don't know why I feel this. I just do. I almost kind of hope it's true. I'm just tired of it all.

But thank you all for caring. Hopefully, this is just a stage I'm going through and it will pass.

(((Gershun))), I think what you are going through is normal. Grieving is such an emotional roller coaster. If you find yourself getting seriously depressed though, it would probably be a good idea to talk to another counselor or attend another grief support group. I just worry about you getting too isolated and depressed, which is really easy to do, especially while you're grieving. Having a counselor or group that you can talk to face to face will help you feel not so alone.

gershun

any chance of you planning a vacation or little getaway ?

Instead of a group as if there is something wrong with you, can you try a class about something you would like to do?
Maybe you will meet up with the class and go to lunch?

I am just thinking the more you get out, the better you will feel, tears and all.....

There will always be triggers, I think. Was offered grief counseling by hospice that helped mom leave. I didn't use it, would get mail from them quarterly. I think I did my grieving while caring for her, then my move 600 miles away. And the crazy dysfunction from twisteds really did me in.

Grief counseling is for whenever there is a time when you think that it may help. There are others that go through similar. Try a different church, or even check with hospice organizations. I was told by one that anyone is welcome.

Gershun, I’m sorry for the loss of your mother. My dad died about 6 years ago; mother 2 yrs and husband 5 months ago. I took care of all three of them throughout their illnesses. My sister helped some with my parents and I had full time help with my husband. I miss them all in different ways all the time. Even though my dad died 6 years ago I go thru periods where I sit down bawl like it happened yesterday. Same with my mom and husband. Not sure what triggers the feelings. I can see something on television, hear a song. I went to a grief support group after my Mom died. It didn’t seem to do much good for me. Now I am going to a Widow’s support group. I don’t relate very well to this group either. I’ve made an appointment with an individual therapist. My first appointment is next week. My younger sister doesn’t seem to have the same grief problems I’ve had. I know she misses them, but it doesn’t seem to affect her the same. Perhaps it’s because she has a husband, three small children and a job which keep her very busy. I don’t have children. I am going back to work 10/1 and hoping maybe that will help some. I don’t know if I’m right or not, but I don’t think we can put a time limit on how long we grieve or decide how we’re going to grieve. I loved my parents and my husband and it’s a big hole in my life without them.

Gershun, I think it’s normal. Grief is an on going process. My mom passed 2-1/2 years ago and I have days where I feel sad and weepy and I can’t talk about her without tears. Different things trigger it too. Sometimes it comes out of no where It has been harder losing my mom, maybe because she was my last living parent. If it is troubling for you, grief counseling may be a good idea. It sounds like this pastor was not very warm and compassionate and if that was the case, it probably prevented you from working through your grief. Remember, there is no time limit on grief. ((( Hugs)))

This doesn't exactly fall under the Dysfunction category but I thought I'd post here anyhow since all the other threads seem so slow and inactive.

I find myself feeling really depressed lately. Dreaming about my dear, departed Mom again. I wake up feeling like she just died yesterday. I'm on the verge of tears all the time. Why am I feeling like this now? I really thought I was on the road to conquering this already and here I am feeling like I'm starting the grieving process all over again.

Why? I did go to grief counselling at one time and it was horrible. I had thought that going to a church based grief workshop would be better and now I wonder why I thought that. The pastor who led the group, and I use the word group lightly cause there were only three of us including myself, was one of these pious people who I can't stand. I've always felt that you can be a good christian and still be relatable. Not in this case.

Anyhow, should I go to another grief group even though it's been over three years since my Mom died? Or is what I'm going through natural? Does anybody out there have any thoughts they'd like to share.