The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Well, painting at new apartment is taking longer than expected, but that's strangely to be expected in my experience... that contractors will take longer than they initially predict.

I just got off the phone with the moving company that did my move last year and I've scheduled them to do a move for next Monday. Meanwhile, I'm still working all this week and weekend. But... it will get done. It's not much fun to have to be doing this but it's a step in a great direction and I'm excited to get settled at the new place.

It's funny: last year at this time I was completely full of fear and trepidation, so scared, so uncertain of how I would make any of this work out. Would I have to break my lease and then be homeless within 6 months? I thought it was a real possibility. I remember voicing an idea that perhaps I could go and stay in my maternal grandfather's very large house for a bit until I was feeling better, like I had done when I was 18 and didn't have a home for a bit, but my mother shut me down so forcefully on that idea. I don't know why she did that but it made me think I had no alternative except to TRY to get on my feet, even though I was feeling so sick and tired and broken at that time. I had such painful anxiety, I was overwhelmed. I had no one to lean on but I had you guys here, and I remember I called my mother out of a great need to express my fears. Venting to my mother typically hasn't gone well and this time was the same thing. I don't think my mother intends to be demoralizing, but that's the result. She questioned my decision to get an apartment, "why would I do this" kind of thing, it was my fault I was feeling such fear of the unknown.

But even with caregiving and mold illness and all of *that* situation, I was going to TRY to get back on my feet and get a life back for myself.

And here it is a year later and I'm moving on up to a much larger place that I think will be a good situation for many years to come, and I'm so grateful. I have a job that I like for now, I have nice coworkers who've become friends, I have a world class city all around me that I can enjoy and explore for years.

I think thyroid medication played a big part but also, just ALL of it, all of the positive things that have happened this year have helped me to overcome being so broken down. My confidence has improved because things have stopped being so unfixable, and started working out again. It's demoralizing to try and try to fix things that don't get fixed. And while this life is never going to be perfect, it can be something that we can work at and improve upon, see results, keep it moving forward, etc. And that's what was lost to me during the caregiving years. Nothing improved, everything stayed broken despite my efforts, I couldn't feel better no matter what I did. I thought I might be a lost cause. lol I really did. I thought I'd perhaps have to move on to renting a cheap room somewhere and driving rideshare for some income when I could. I was too tired for a real job.

Most regular posters in this thread have had some major life changes in the past few years. I'm proud of all of you for hanging in there and sticking with it. Life isn't easy but you do it, you manage, you hang in there, you grow.

So anyway. lol I'm moving next Monday. What an intense past 12 months this has been. I'm very grateful to be in the position I'm currently in, feeling like I can keep improving on some health issues, and then I can do anything else from there.

Glad, maple is one of my favorites. It’s warm, not too dark!
Duck, thinking of you, so tough living with and around your sisters mind games.
Golden, hope your are feeling better. Safe travels!

no update regarding my bro. They started using Ritalin to wake him up and it was working but have no other news.

Wednesday we we are planning a day trip to the McCall area in the mountains. It is much cooler there and hoping for fall foliage. We are in the 40’s here at night, 70’s and low 80’s during the day.

Hope everyone one had a restful weekend.

DDDuck, I'm sorry you are dealing with all this stress. The legal avenue is stressful in and of itself, but that may be the way to go with your mom. She will eventually probably need more help than you and your sister can provide. I'd look into your options, maybe do a free consultation with an elder law attorney and go from there. At least you'll know what the possibilities are, and it may give you some hope that you have something to fall back on.

Golden, hope your allergies and cold are better, and that you have a safe trip back. I have those darn allergies/congestion issues now too. The weather here can't make up its mind whether it's summer or fall. 70s for a few days, than back up to 91 with a lot of humidity.

Glad, maple is really pretty. I have a maple laminate in my living room and I love it. Hope to go with laminate or hardwood in the bedrooms eventually too (still have our old carpet).

My thoughts and prayers are with all affected by the storms. Some areas of NC and SC are still getting the rain.

Mom was transferred yesterday to the geriatric unit at the psych facility. I had to go up there Friday and yesterday to sign the paperwork for discharge and then for the admission once they got her a bed. Mom was saying she just wanted to go back to her apartment and was very agitated and paranoid yesterday when they were getting ready to transfer her, saying they were going to kill her.

Talked to some of the psych team today and they are going to evaluate her for dementia/neuro issues and cognitive impairment, and have started her on Seroquel to help with the paranoia and delusions and to help her sleep. They said she was a little calmer today. Her nurse seemed very nice.

We'll see how it goes. I'm going to take your advice about not hovering, just staying in touch with the professionals and come up there as needed. When I talked to mom earlier, I said that I will visit, but can't be up there every day because I have other things here that I have to attend to. They don't have visitation anyway until Tuesday. She did seem to be calmer and more accepting of being there. Hopeful that they are able to help her more this time around.

Duck -thx I am a Leo actually. Wouldn't you have guessed it?

Goodnight all. Time to get back to work.

Smile.

Golden, I havent caught up and so I saw your post. I dont know how you do it but dang if you dont keep us alligned with cause and effects!!!! :)

So thanks because during the weeks I kept thinking about the Viking! It made me smile because sometime I see my mother in action and think "Viking". I hope the Viking is well.

I know you are a Virgo, So happy Birthday to you in case I missed or am not on line.

I hope all is well with you.

Bare with me.

So before I even walked in I noticed the floor was still clean. I had been laying out the chucks the past few days to keep floor clean, which is why I was getting them. So I put some chucks down. She came in told my mother she would get her coffee and left. I was back and forth into the bathroom watching the barbecue competition. During one run I noticed a McDonald bag on lamp table. I looked in bag and there was the sausage breakfast and coffee. she and my nephew are fixtated on giving my mother, It was cold and I am thinking did she leave this here for my mother to get into the bag herself. Or for me to serve. Either way it was ridiculous. I went to check hall and saw she had took up the chucks I had layed on floor and the dog had peed and messed. I could not bring my self to clean it and when I stepped outside to make the people deliver the meals faster :) my sister was sitting on the stairs. then her oldest son came and they went up stairs. I told the oldest that I had laid chucks on the floor and his mother took them up. I dont understand it. My mother was the same way very spiteful and vindictive. Its sad I just learned or faced this truth. So I really haven't figured it out or me for that reason.

I get tired of posting the same theme but this is my life. so I reach out for help or perspectives. I am living there its hard when everyone doesn't pull their own weight. I dont know when the toilet situation happened but someone had taken the lid off the tank and placed it on a safe surface. It would have been easy to call the cole man who did shed which is back like it was with mold. So no one addressed it or saw it until I came down. My sister does not cook, so she goes out in the am for her breakfast. I can look at trash and whats laying around to see what my mother has eaten and there was nothing when I came down.

She has 4 more meals in freezer which I hope she does not take out and mess up. It seems I am the only one who cares whether she eats or not. As I was only one calling over and over about what happened to her meals. I hope this works out.

I know she needs a home attendant. I just hate to take things to a legal level. It takes time and money and stress.

My mother has poor eating habits. Sometimes I have to spoon feed her to get her started and then if she really doesn't want it she wont eat it and I worry.

I cant put stuff in freezer because she goes off on a mission of feeding and I'd find meat bread and what ever else portioned in plates or in a pan to cook.

So anyway I am glad someone is coming to do halls and hope we can work out a weekly or biweely arrangement if the price is right.

Meanwhile I continue to get my head right, and figure out what I am supposed to do while keeping my sanity.

I will always be open to any suggestions. I cant believe some of this stuff that goes on. I want to make a stand and sometimes I have to do so if only for a while for my sanity. I cant deny how this tears me up inside and how the anger and sadness comes together at times. I am by no way by a long shot an angel but I pull my weight and try hard to keep my mouth shut and not hurt feelings. I dont know how I am perceived in past. Was I overbearing when we did speak?

Rays of light and love to all.

Greetings everyone, I hope everyone is safe and no one suffered these hurricanes It it was wierd and scary seeing so many hurricanes in action at one time. My son says they were expecting one in Hawaii also. I was talking to a woman who had home in NJ and had just dropped her flood insurance. She and her husband had to pay out of pocket. I forget why she didnt get help from fema.
These storms seem bigger and stronger and more frequent lately. I hate to think of what the coming winter will bring.

I have been off line and havent caught up.
Glad, its so nice hearing about the progress. I thing maple is awesome. I had a large maple dresser chest, I loved it, I always admired the wood and the smell. I always looked good without much furnitureolish. I let my son take it to college and he gave it away when he left dorm! Nice color, nice wood.

Well my saga continues. A lot has happened since I last logged in. Came down this afternoon to find bathroom flooded from the toilet. Besides being backed up from something my mother put in there its time to replace the workware (is there such a word :) ) in the back so it can stop running. I couldnt get the water the thing wouldn't work. Everything is old. for now all is well got a guy comiing to fix it. Actually same guy who helped my son get my bedroom set out of storage so I wouldn't lose it. My mother would not let me bring it when I moved in, part of the narcissist in her. It was a lovely large set, I had a place to put everything. Anyway my landlord had to sell or loss and I made a reluctant dash to my mothers. Of course I couldnt bring something lovely. Anyways I still get to see it and sleep on it when I visit my son. He left it in storage when he moved to Korea.
Anyway I tend to ramble on and on. Part of my psychosis, I guess.

Well since I lost my phone I had been trying to catch up with this guy and finally did.
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The issue with the dog mess in hal overwhelming. And gets tracked up the levels. My sister has never and will not ever clean the floors. I was literally crying sometimes when I would clean hallway especially knowing my sister was walking through it all or using upstairs door to avoid it. I had to keep my sanity and back off it for a while and then someone started addressing it. since I came back its back to square one again. And last week she commented "its about time" as she walked up stairs. It struck the chord in me. I dont understand her mind, her thinking or what she see's or how she see's things. I just know I cant make her do anything and it tears me up inside knowing she has never done house work or chores and she feels entiltled. She totally has no regard for me at all except using me. So when I took my trip, She had to take off from work to do the things I do. So I know this is not good for my mother. Its mentally and physically draining sharing a space with someone like my sister. when Her boyfrind bought a house for her and her children he asked me to move in. I adamantly said no stating "So I can clean and buy everything while she sits on her a*6

So anyways I had been hunting down this man to ask if I could pay him to do the floors and stairs from my level down. I had to give in and do the floor beneath me because I couldnt take it. I mean its crazy and I feel crazy about it.

Then the meals on wheels were not coming and I finally got that straight meaning I have to get up early on saturday to get my mothers meals. So this saturday I wanted to sleep late so bad. I made my self get up and hoped to get a napp downstairs while I waited. I also intended to do my clean routine but my stomach was really bad. I dont know what is causing this and given my work, I can think of the worst. Anyway when I come down my sister was standing in front of window outside There was a bag in the chair I was to sit in and when I moved it she says that's mine. So I ask her if she was waiting on the meals and she said clearly "no".

Maple it is!

WF, maybe during Katrina, I don't remember. But, definitely during Harvey, just a year ago.

I think it was Hurricane Katrina years ago that hit so badly I remember seeing on the news elderly patients floating in water inside a nursing home. They were strapped in their chairs and apparently couldn't be rescued. The water was up to their waist. I couldn't believe my eyes. I cried. I wondered where their families were. All i could think about was these elderly people must have children, grand children, family members somewhere. I was devastated at seeing this. I pray no one in these posts experiences this with Hurricane Florence.

I feel guilty that the horrendous hurricane that was to hit Virginia (my concerns were more Virginia Beach, which is where my Dad lives, in a Retirement villa place..), didn't hit Virginia. BUT it hit NC and SC so horribly. Especially NC. So my prayers to 'make' it not destroy VaBeach (and Richmond) were never meant for it to then devastate NC! I pray for those in NC. What a storm!

Glad, our flooring in the kitchen, living room, dining room and hall is manufactured hardwood. The color is walnut with variations from dark to light and a bit distressed. Bedrooms have carpet. We didn’t get to pick what we would have wanted because our house was already built, just hadnt been put on the market yet. If we had a house built, it would have taken 7-8 months due to sub contractor shortage. We didn’t want to live with our dd long.

Thank you Stacey, I haven’t had an update from my nephew since Monday.

Glad, I Love Maple, the color, the durability, it's Beautiful!

Cmag, praying that this hurricane flows swiftly, and looses it's strength, I hope you and yours are tucked away safely!

Frazz, hope your Mom gets a thorough evaluation at the hospital this time, and that they get her on some meds that Really help! This must be so frustrating for you! I would follow Golden's reccomendations to set up some good boundries while she is away, and not to hover while she is in there, let the professionals do their job. Good luck!

Golden, hope your cold is better,

SSharynM, still praying for your brother, hope he is improving!

All good in my neck of the woods!

After research and morning in the store I am leaning towards natural maple. Bamboo in our dry climate tends to have shrink issues. Though I will get a humidifier on the furnace.

Sharyn, what did you get? I think you have very similar climate.

No more scaffold!😀

There people here claiming that their prayers made the hurricane to lose power from 4 down to 1. If so, I want those same people to pray for it to speed up getting out of here for by going slow, it's damaging a lot by more than just its power. I have prayed about a lot of hurricanes but their power and speed did not change. I believe in prayer, but not in magic.

(((((fraz))))) You don't have to be there all the time. A suicide attempt should always be taken seriously. However, also recognize her attention getting behaviours - meaning get her the psychiatric help she needs, but don't hover over her. Get on with your life, while getting her the professional help she needs, Detach and distance yourself emotionally . It is a crazy making roller coaster ride. You yourself can't solve it. Hopefully now they will take her mental health issues seriously. I think you are doing well. I am still stuffy and a little sneezy so we will see what the day brings.

glad - I have maple and I love it , It is a nice warm colour and I have it throughout the house, I am ok with it in the bedrooms (who wants to vacuum) and have a few small area rugs. Another time I would put it lino or whatever in the kitchen as in the bathrooms. It helps if you get a good sales person in the store. No more snow yet today. Hope it stays away for another month.

madge - how is the viking?

gershun - re seeing family in a different light, I had various "AHA" moments throughout adult life. I think I've got the picture now.

chris - you are a lot of very legitimate concerns regarding your safety and your mothers problems. Come back and vent any time

sharyn - hope there is more good news re your bro soon

ali - keep us updated on your apt plans

susan, duck, everyone - how are things with you and yours?

Thinking of you all, Life can be very challenging at times. ((((((((hugs)))))))

First I thought hickory, Iove the look of it. Then all the color variation I decided it was too much. Then I thought oak, but oh so standard. Maybe maple, not sure. Even considered cork at one point. But now I am thinking bamboo, which typical for me is what I actually started with.

So frustrated. Went to a flooring store, you know the one, that we see ads for discount flooring on tv, a lot. Customer service there is awful. I was in and out of there is about five minutes. Told clerk I was thinking of bamboo, he told me that he wasn't a fan that it is too soft. Turns out that is a bunch of hooey. It is harder than oak.

For the great room and kitchen area. Carpet for bedrooms tile for bathrooms and laundry. Unfinished basement, I can roller skate down there 😁

Golden, hope you get to feeling better. Get some rest and take it easy.

Madge and Pam, don't you hate it when they think everyone's supposed to be up when they are, or that everyone's schedule revolves around theirs? Pam, I would be tempted too to wake him up at 3 am, especially on a night when you know he's tired! Lol.

The party sounds like fun though, I bet you'll have a good time.

Glad, what type of flooring are you thinking? Is it for the kitchen?

Good night all, ((hugs)), hope everyone is safe from the storms.

Cupboards in boxes in the garage. Must figure out flooring soon.

Good for you fraz. You have responsibilities to your kids and that is your first priority.

Thanks for the support. It's been a crazy day. Mom was admitted to the hospital until a psych bed opens up. The social worker there said all of the psychiatric facilities here are full. Wondering if it's a full moon!

I did go up to see mom, but as it turned out the social worker had told me to wait a little bit to see if they were going to move her to another facility, or at least to a room there at the hospital so I didn't have to wait at the ER. So I didn't have to take my little one or take my teen out of school. I decided you guys were right, I didn't want him to miss school if he didn't absolutely need to. I just went once my other kids got home and were able to watch little one for a bit. Hubs got home around then too so went with me for support. By that time, mom had just been moved from the ER to her room.

I've been really pushing to get her evaluated by a geriatric psychiatrist there. In the past when she's been inpatient, I don't think she's seen a geri psych except once, but that time I think they just kept her on the meds she was on at the time, which unfortunately didn't help a lot. I'm not sure how thorough they were. I talked to them at length about her history and concerns about neuro/dementia issues, so hopefully we can get some answers and meds that help.

Mom was acting like it was a walk in the park. She asked me, "So what's going on? What have you been up to?" I was thinking, "Really??" but was trying to be kind and bite my tongue.

She told me she did this because she "just got upset". I asked her why and she said, "about stuff" but wouldn't talk about it. I told her to talk to her counselor or social worker or somebody to tell them what's wrong. She mentioned wanting to come home with me, and I told her that the manager at the facility where she lives said they are all praying for her and look forward to her coming home to her home there (she did, she is very sweet and really cares about the residents there).

Before I left, she said she did not want to go to a psych facility and wanted to know what would happen if she just walked out of there. She said she just wants to go back to her apartment. I told her since police and ambulance brought her in and she tried to hurt herself, she has to stay and get help.

It is very nervewracking. She has been tried on so many different psych meds, and it seems like she will get better for a bit, then get worse. I really hope they look more into the neuro issues.

I did tell her social worker that I was going to stay in touch with mom's doctors but that I wasn't going to be up there every day. Mom has done this so many times as a cry for attention, help, maybe both, I don't know, but I don't want to reinforce the behavior by being on call 24/7.

Frazzled, no wonder you are frazzled. I wouldn't take the youngster, nor take son out of school so you can check on Mom. Let the pros do their job, they will take care of mom.

Golden, thinking of you and hope all goes ok tomorrow. Snow melted already?

High temp records breaking here. Been in the low 90's this week. I would rather have snow.

fraz -hope you are Ok. Mother threatened suicide a few times, That's when we got the psychiatrists involved. It's pretty hairraising, Keep us updated.

cmag -I hope your house is OK.

glad - breakfast is always good.

waterfalls -welcome good advice

madge - boy they are annoying!!!

pam - shoulds like quite a shindig Good for you and hubs, Awesome food,

No snow today thankfully so the roads are bare but now both R and I have colds, so we are keeping contact to the minimum, and the visit to mother today is off. The best laid plans of mice and men gang aft agley!

Tomorrow we have to be in close quarters for a good part of the day, I hope both of us are better by then. Snow is forecast here again for the weekend but clear next week so I will be able to drive back safely.

Oh Madge we will have plenty,, hubs also is smoking 2 huge briskets and we get shrimp.. and everyone brings a dish to share. It's our one and only party of the year, Other than holiday meals that are only for family... It started about 7 years ago when he was still working as a thank you for his co workers and my friends and family and a joint birthday party for both mom's. It has gotten smaller these days with him being retired, and his folks in their 90s. But we still enjoy it, and we get lots of leftover crab and shrimp to pick out and freeze for the winter. And this year we will have lots of brisket I'm sure.. the weather may keep a few away.

Pam

hope you have plenty of crab 🦀 be sure to offer FIL’s friend seconds 🤣

and let the answering machine take calls

lately, frick and frack must be feeling guilty they missed the Viking’s birthday - they’ve both called this week asking when they can see her?
- hoca is open 24/7 and they don’t need to check with me to visit their mom

why though they call my cell when I’m at work and then call right back when I don’t answer 🤬

frick finally left a message saying he would make an effort tomorrow- no doubt he’ll show up during her afternoon nap and be annoyed she’s asleep

So we are busting butt here for the past 2 days trying to get ready for our annual end of season party, and hubs lost 3 prep days going to the river house to get out the boat, dock etc due to flooding ( again)..and help out the elderly neighbors there do the same. So my fil calls this am at 830 am,, hubs has been outside setting up smokers and cleaning the garage,, basically scrambling.. and I was in the tub.. his message was "Ok Hubs,, get out of bed".. he called 2 times in a row! I was brought up to not call people before 9 am or after 9 pm,, fil does this all the time,, for absolutely no good reason except he is up! So of course hubs is in no mood to return THAT call.. FIL calls back again.. finally hubs talks to him around lunch. It was to tell us that one guy who comes will "eat all the crabs" so we better hide some... For Real?? It's his friend for gosh sake.. Next time mom is up at 3 am (like this am) I am going to have her call him... of course he will probably be up too.. No I won't,, but I will think about it!

Good Morning Frazzled. You need to rest & trust the medical & psych teams to
make an updated assessment on your mom. Don't pull the teen out of school to baby sit. Go slow, don't panic. It was good the staff came in and witnessed her trying to comitt suicide. Take the two year old & go. Make rest your focus now! You gave done all you can. Oversee her care but take care if you with time outs for yourself. Things will work out. Your in my prayers.

Oh, Frazzled. I'm so sorry you're going through this, and I'm so sorry that your mother is so unhappy.

I don't mean unhappy in the sense of "oh poor wee lamb." I mean, you try to put yourself in the mind of someone who does these things, and it must be an awfully bleak place to live in.

And then there's the exasperation a rational person is bound to feel with someone who puts everyone through the wringer in this way repeatedly, which doesn't feel good but can hardly be helped.

As for visiting arrangements - I should call the facility and ask if you'll be able to see your mother in her room or in a family room. If so, take the little one (good excuse to keep the visit short and sweet, too); but if not, if you'll be in the residents' lounge or something, then I wouldn't; simply because you can't be sure what you'll encounter. Can't anyone else reliable babysit?

Guys, wish me luck. Here we go again. So, I went to see mom yesterday as the staff said she has been isolating in her room, not going to activities, playing Bingo, etc. like she was. I had taken a break of about a week and a half since her last appt because I wanted to see if I stepped back a little if the drama would kind of die down a little (I was wondering if she was doing some of it to get at me for not being up there every day), and it did, so I was hoping she was participating more.

We went to the lobby yesterday and listened to the music that a gentleman was playing with some of the other residents, and I told her I would be back next week for her neuro appt. She was calm when I left and told me to call her when I got home, which I did but she didn't answer. Not unusual, as she thinks people are listening to her through her phone due to her paranoia.

Well just a few minutes ago, I get a call from her nurse that she put a pair of panty hose around her neck around the time that the aides come in to give her meds and was supposedly (yes, I'm not being callous when I say "supposedly" but we've been through this too many times) trying to hang herself when they walked in this morning. So she was transported to the local ER via ambulance and will probably be transferred from there to a psychiatric facility. I'm now trying to figure out the logistics of getting there, i.e. whether it would be better to go ahead and go with my 2 year old in tow, or to take my teenager out of school and have him stay with little one while I go. Hubs is on a job site in the middle of the job as we speak so can't leave.

Hopefully we get some help and some answers from the docs as to how to manage mom's condition better, and exactly what it is, which is what we've been trying to determine. She was in and out of psych facilities a lot last year and she had some similar issues around the holidays (tried to overdose right after Christmas), plus the drama with my sister, so it's not a new situation by any means, but things have escalated again lately.