notrydoyoda Posted January 2012
The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?
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Madge, the way this has been going housewarming might be the 4th of July, if I am lucky. Maybe close by the end of October? Kinda guessing. Hopefully the weather holds. Must start organizing the move. Trying to decide on flooring, I love hickory but it is so much color variation! White oak if we can find it. There is some on the "slow boat". You know they cut wood here send it to China for finishing? Cheaper, hard to believe.
Magnum, does not sound like Florida will work so soon. Stay safe and dry. Hope all works out well with your home. The surges and amount of rain is scary.
sharyn - glad your bro has responded. Praying for more.
glad sounds good - more progress!!!
cmag -prayers for all in the hurricane's path. Stay safe
tg - you did set some boundaries with your ex son in law with good results. You could do the same with your dad and be less frustrated. e.g. if he runs out of money before the end of the month, you do not give him any more, Your kids are learning that people can walk all over you.
barbie - welcome - one day at a time is a good way to go
riverdale - hope you and your mum are ok, Hope everyone is OK.
madge and fraz - thx Finally unwound and rested today
The snow is very early here and farmers are scrambling, It is coming down like crazy now and more forecast for the next few days. Tomorrow R and I will visit mother and see how she is doing. Saturday we have an appointment. Hoping to visit with some friends after that. I owe them a meal out. And maybe a little shopping after that.
Take care all and be good to you.
Glad, good that the stucco is almost done. I know you must be excited.
Riverdale, hope you are somewhere safe in SC. I heard the entire coastline has been evacuated. Glad your mom was evacuated early, though I know it's gotta be nervewracking. We were just out there a couple months ago in the Myrtle Beach area (our first trip that far east, and first visit to SC). Stay safe!
Barbie, you are so right, recovery from dysfunction is an ongoing process. I know what you mean about the battle lol. I have had to learn to pick mine lately, it's never easy.
hope you’re feeling better today after the drive and a good breakfast
hope everyone is protected
I would talk to your area Agency on Aging and social services departments about how to help dad get on the list for subsidized senior housing. He needs a place of his own and you definitely need your space back.
It's okay to love your dad and say no to him living with you, yet you can still be able to help him in other ways.
Hm, I wonder what kind of lesson your kids are really learning - old people are h3ll and will suck you dry and I'm for sure not going to ever get myself in that position? Or, based on what happened with your daughter and her ex, Dad's a big pushover?
Had I reacted last night he would have been on his way out of state to a relatives house with his bags packed.
I am just tired of the games he is playing but when he needs money I have to be there, when something needsd to be fixed I have to do it."
TG, you swerve between thinking that you should behave like a long suffering martyr ( and suffering in silence, to boot) and being justifiably mad as heck and your manipulative, narcissistic dad. You are throwing money that you should be saving for retirement at his wants. Stop it!
Have you gotten him on lists for housing tied to his income?
Every morning I get up and tell myself to be a better man, that is hard. I try to stay positive but something triggers.
I feel like a prisoner in my own home as I have made it.
Thanks for letting me vent. It is my only release.
Would I boot him out? No, I cant live with myself to do that. Besides my kids are watching how I treat him which in turn my have an impact on me.
I encourage him to get out which does get us 15 minutes of quiet time. His timing to come home is impeccable, just as we sit down to a quiet dinner or dessert..... oh well.
I am trying to be better and less about me and that I have to do this. I have a relative in the same boat for may years. Asking how she handles it she points to the empty bottle of wine we just shared..... Not that that is the answer but I get it.
I am trying to let him know when something is bothering me which is most all the time. The down side is there is nothing for us to talk about like other people do. No common interest unless he is telling a story. That gets old.
I read the threads and see how others are handling things. I at least have a mobile person and not the issues others have so really I dont have a right to complain.
Thank for listening (or reading). I will try to manage the positive attributes of this situation, not sure which ones re though.
To all of you in harms way in the Carolina's, stay safe and get out of the way. My brothers from our state swift water rescue team are on the way there now to help when it gets bad.
Good for you, Cmagnum!
My brother is vacationing in So Carolina with his wife.
Golden, sounds a bit early for snow, but we have had it here in the mountains already. It is always a race to see which ski area will open first. Usually A-Basin, and the last to close as well, sometime in June, usually. Travel safely.
I am frustrated. Called the real estate agent to ask him what the heck is taking stucco so long. Contractor thought it would be done two weeks ago. They are more than slow, think of a turtle taking a nap but it is not really napping, it is dead. I am hoping they can get done by the end of the month with the outside work, then I can still get sod and sprinkler system in this year. I am losing hope.
Contractor is a bit frustrated with me as I went to a store, in town, for help with picking granite, flooring, tile, carpet, etc, instead of four or five different places that he told me to go. He was not happy I went to this store. One of the last homes he built, the client went in there and decided they liked a carpet that was $30.00 a yard. He allows $2.00 a yard. the shop got stuck in the middle. And I am so happy and relieved to have the help.
Trim and kitchen cabinets are to be in this week. The outside might be done by spring.
Glad, your house is coming along nicely. Not too much longer and it will be moving day.
Have a a safe trip Golden.
Have s a good week everyone.
thinking of you and hope you're doing okay
As for YouTube. It is not a matter of time spent on YouTube. All you have to do, in the same box where you would type the name of the song, artist, or band. Type the words 'seizure pranks'. A whole list of videos' come up. I have tried 'peacefully', to contact YouTube about the videos'. But have received no reply from YouTube. I only found out, that Google is the parent company.
The different ways of approaching something, other than being angry. Because the word 'anger', its' different tense, and synonyms. Are subjective as to the way one expresses their anger. The knee-jerk reaction to the word 'anger'. Is something happening immediately, and physically confrontational. I don't get physically confrontational, unless I absolutely have to. Especially when I am on my bike. If I was hot-blooded, red as fire, angry about what a driver did on the road. I wouldn't take the time to worry about my bike possibly getting stolen in the process.
I never shot up the school, as a way to deal with bullies in grade school. I ran away from school.
Where seizure-training is involved. Yes, I spoke with the officer in charge of medical training, at the police academy. He said seizure training is mandatory. That doesn't nullify my concern.
As for YouTube, I can't do more than I am doing. Unless I contacted Google to complain.
As for my (ex)wife, I am not budging. I refuse to communicate with her.
I'm surprised at YouTube, I must say. Or am I. I probably don't spend enough time on YouTube to know, really. I guess there are an awful lot of things on YouTube I wouldn't want to see.
Having things to be angry about, which you certainly do, doesn't mean there aren't better ways (by which I mean more effective, as in changing something, and less stressful for you) to handle it. I know how annoying and infuriating well-intentioned advice can be (I had an earful of it from my daughter, yesterday, and my heart rate's still up) but it's self-defeating not even to look at possible strategies. See what's in it first - and *then* chuck it across the room. You'll feel better :)
I don't get angry over politics like she does. She is a 'politics junkie'. As far as I am concerned. The 2016 U.S. Presidential election was, the election from HE**. It was a no-win situation, where the candidates were concerned. Pretty much it was the 'lesser of two evils'. She continually spouts off about Trump did this, or Trump did that. I didn't even vote, I was so disgusted with both candidates.
I told her about her having repeatedly telling me about what her GP said, and expecting me to agree. My father even accused me of being upset all the time. I guess I have no right to be upset when:
1. My mother behaves like, her GP, should vicariously be, my GP. By wanting me to do what her GP says. She denies she does that, but she does it.
2. I am on my bike on the road, and a driver ignorant(if not intentionally) passes too close. Even trying to pass, when they shouldn't.
3. I find videos' on YouTube that are people making fun of those who have seizures. Seizures have no cure. Yet, The prank videos', amount to saying the deaths' of World-class athlete Florence Griffith-Joyner in 1998 at 36yrs.-old , and actor John Travolta's son Jett, in 2009 at 16yrs.-old. But YouTube won't pull those videos.
4. My mother denies trying to get me to communicate with my (ex)wife. Even though my (ex)wife's defiant and persistent medical ignorance nearly killed me.
5. I worry about being stopped by the cops while on my bike, or on foot. Who perceive my balance problems, as someone being drunk and/or, on drugs. Potentially resulting in, being hit with a taser gun.
6. States refuse to make seizure-training for teachers requirement. Texas and Kentucky have made it mandatory. But, Every other state refuses.
So, I guess I have to be 'happy as a clam', or else. Her 'faculties' can just erode. But if I say anything about it. I am akin to the Devil.
gershun - all cats have boundary issues. Interesting observation about your family.
sharyn -so true -a control system,
frazz -you prob do have PTSD. Narcs ignore that you have your own life.
cw - when you grew up with a narc you did not have the alternative not to accept it. Serving mum (or dad) was the way it was. That makes breaking away from the control harder.
blackhole - well said. "Boors like your father don’t care who they are oppressing. They simply need to oppress." It can be humbling to accept that but also freeing.
trying -so glad to see you again!!!! Well done on no more meals and only going when there is a caregiver present. Progress!!! Hope to see you back more often.
chris - that must be very frustrating
Foggy this morning and snow forecast for Wednesday. This is a cold September so far. I will drive south tomorrow as there is only a possibility of showers then. Laundry is done, need to make that soup yet to use up veggies in the frig. and have something ready to eat when I get back. Then, barring any emergencies with mother, I am hunkering down here for the winter. Well, might take a trip to visit oldest son if their weather is good.
Take care all!!! Do something good for you.