notrydoyoda Posted January 2012
The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?
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Have very many of you found your perspective about your parents and your family changed after your parent died? I know those of us on here who have lost our parents already are few but I'm just curious.
I find myself thinking back over my childhood and early adulthood and seeing it from a whole new perspective now that my Mom is gone. I hate to say this but I'm starting to think that there is a real lack of morality with my family. When I went to Church I felt like it was home and it certainly rubbed off on me. I don't know why I assumed it was the same with everyone else in my fam. I just started realizing just recently that most everyone in my family are liars and cheats and don't really give a blank. How could I have been so stupid? I guess it's just a common case of not seeing the forest for the trees.
Don't get me wrong. I'm no saint and have never considered myself better than anyone so I'm not taking any moral high ground here with these realizations. It's just funny that without my Mom in my life, (who was a really devout Christian woman) I'm seeing things very differently. Who knew.
Weekends will be less hectic now that I have made some changes so I'm hoping to check on Sat and Sun.
Not much has changed with my folks. Slow deterioration but nothing major. I'm keeping my boundaries and staying away from the crazy. I still go to see them on the weekend but no longer bring a meal.
I started bringing food to them over four years ago when Dad first got sick. It was one thing I could do that Sis was not controlling. It made me feel useful and helpful and it was important for them to eat nutritious meals. At some point Sis decided to hire (with Mom and Dads money) a person to bring our parents meals three times a week. She never talked to me about it she just did it. My folks also get Meals on Wheels and Mom sends caregivers to the grocery store numerous times a week. Their fridge was always bursting with leftovers. Whenever I mentioned this to Mom she insisted they needed the food I brought.
Their was so much food being tossed I couldn't stand it so I finally stopped. I struggled with this decision for such a long time but better late than never. Recently two of the caregivers have confided to me that the waste of food was really bothering them and they are happy that less is coming in. I still bring Dad his jello because it gets eaten and he loves it.
Funny how hard it was for me to give up bringing meals. I guess my self worth was still caught up in what I did for my parents. I'm fine with it now.
Another change. I now only visit when a caregiver is there because Mom behaves better in front of outsiders. She glares a lot but keeps her mouth shut. I get to spend time talking to Dad without her taking over the conversation. It's MUCH better!
To all who wrote about enmeshment thank you for your wise and helpful words :)
Pack his bags and send him to ....low-income senior housing....assisted living....another relative with no boundaries....wherever. As long as it’s Out The Door.
The the only thing you have to lose is, gulp, your entire identity.
Honest to sh*t, tg, as soon as YOU are ready to make the change, you’ll be surprised at how well Dad does at his new locale.
Boors like your father don’t care who they are oppressing. They simply need to oppress.
Your father’s driving force is the “what,” not the “who.” He’d just as happily torture the mailman the way he tortures you. But you won’t get out of his way and make him find another punching bag.
tg, the sooner you accept how unimportant you are to Dad’s Machiavellian schemes — and his so-called needs — the sooner you can get your life back. And your home. And your marriage.
One of those microwaves was wedge shaped to fit into a corner.😁
Sadly, the neediness has gotten worse as her cognitive ability has gotten worse. I know some of it now she can't help like the memory problems, but to an extent personality wise she has always been very needy and self-centered.
The enmeshment becomes engulfing and suffocating for anyone who tries to be there for her. She has a hard time making friends too because she will suffocate them with her neediness. Case in point, the lady next door to her that she was driving nuts last week.
Golden, I can relate to the PTSD. I think I have it too, especially the anxiety.
Sorry............just trying to bring some levity to the subject.
Ali, are you feeling better yet?
Golden I do not think I have ever had roasted beets, but love pickled ones with cottage cheese. I also think you keep it together better than many of us here.😳
Ali I think I have the same thing - my brain feels like blue cheese - crumbly and moldy, Actually I probably did too much and the CFS is kicking in but stuff had to get done, BTW I don't use a text app.. I rely on memory and scrolling back and forth. Your apt plans sound good, Do you have 2 compatible people in mind or are you winging it golden grls style?
glad - so nice to be in your own home after all this time. You have worked so hard and deserve the best.
sharyn -so nerve wracking, but any progress is good.
stacey - keep coming back - you are still in recovery mode from caregiving. Get ruthless. I tossed my Foreman grill the other day.
duck -glad the therapy helps -seems like you are learning some good things
tg -what the cm, barb and bettina said. Your dad gets a kick out of aggravating you. He succeeds big time. You have imposed this sentence upon your self because the alternative is scarier, You actually don't have to give him money when he runs out. You could say no, or you can come back and vent. Your choice.
sofla - welcome - The time has come when you and your hub have to make that decision despite, and maybe because of, how your mum behaves. Sounds like my mum who was a rage-a-holic -actually has borderline personality disorder which is characterised by much anger, I have had a lifetime of it too. They use it to control and manipulate people. I feel for you. I have PTSD from childhood due to mother and cannot spend much time in her presence even now though she is in final stage vascular dementia and can't speak much. She is in an NH and well cared for, and I keep my distance. Please look after yourself. She sounds mentally ill and you have suffered enough. Time for a facility -asap.
cmag - I think that a disproportionate number of enmeshed caregivers come to this site whether it be this thread or others, The caregivers who are in a healthier situation do not need as much support.
susan - we see enmeshed caregivers with narcissistic parents on many threads in this site. Some only realise their parents are narcs after they read about the experiences of others. In some cases, the whole family has been dysfunctional from the get go - like most of us here. In other cases the parent becomes more narcissistic as they age, their world gets smaller as dementia progresses. Both situations are very trying as you know. I came here mainly to help myself keep my boundaries with mother and it has helped me a great deal
Nice fall temps here. Got the car winterized. Love the shuttle service provided by this dealership. Tomorrow, if ny head improves, will be soup making day. It's that kind of weather. I roasted some fresh beets this evening. Yum. Yesterday no sweats, but a couple today so I am not over this bug yet.
If I have forgotten anyone, my apologies. Sponge head here,
Take care all, do something good for you.
Granite (Monte Cristo) does not make a very good avatar, does it! I love it!
Enmeshment is an emotional state, not something defined by just a cranky or unpleasant personality or a tedious caregiving situation. It's continuing the same dysfunctional patterns that are making someone feel deeply resentful, angry, unhappy, etc... and yet some people cannot seem to free themselves from these patterns. At some point, if it's toxic enough to a person and yet they won't make changes, then I think the term "enmeshed" is fitting there.
But... what's "toxic enough?" That's entirely subjective. There are countless caveats, disclaimers, qualifiers, etc., that have to be considered for that... but I think we all deserve to live lives where we feel valued and respected. If caregiving to parents make us feel the opposite of that, and the caregiving tears down our sense of self respect, I'd say that's toxic.
(Oh my goodness, my brain is a muddle from trying to come up with the right words and think these deep thoughts lol. I'm posting this, for better or worse. Good discussion.)
Guilt can come from all kinds of places. These Freudian terms annoy mean. No offense to you CMagnum but these little psychological catch phrases annoy me. Not everyone who is moody is bipolar, not everyone who is bossy is a narcissist, not everyone who gets sad now and then is suffering from depression. ya da, ya da, ya da.
Would you miss him?
Would it make your "standing" in the family poorer?
As an outsider looking in, it looks like a win/win to me.
Why don't you blow up, tell him off and tell him to shove off to someone else's home? Drive him there, even?
Why would that be a bad thing?
Yep. And get you upset. That's his "win" . Because manipulating someone
into a shocked upset state beats the destitute inner landscape that has become
his soul. Feel sorry for him, but protect yourself. If you can find him a new
place to live....it'd be for the best. For both of you. Letting him manipulate
and abuse is doing him as much harm as you, although I'm sure it doesn't seem like it.
Needed to hear this myself, and keep hearing it. Thanks Countrymouse,
for the important reminder, there is such a thing as walking away. Sometimes we have to cut our losses before they become too great and consume us completely or leave us destitute.
If I may say so without giving offence, your father is a self-centred, selfish, ungrateful, insensitive swine. He reminds me powerfully of a Dickensian character who not only behaves like this but congratulates himself on it and despises those who, he imagines, aren't able to get away with it.
He is your cross to bear. But you know, and we know, and apparently hem-hem some of us are tired of repeating ourselves not mentioning any names whistle la-di-da, that you did choose to pick up that cross and it therefore stands to reason that you can choose to put it down again.
But you won't, I know. And to move from Dickens to Shakespeare, perhaps at this point "to return would be as tedious as to go o'er" - i.e. having got this far down the road, you might as well finish the job.
So come and vent.
Meanwhile. Next time the opportunity presents itself, buy the driver lady a coffee, look her in the eye, and explain gently that while her intentions were no doubt charitable her intervention intruded into problematic areas that you wouldn't expect her to be aware of, but, so, you would appreciate it if she did not repeat the offer.
So after I peeled myself off the ceiling (I was outside at the time) I calmed down. This is the last thing I have for priviacy in my life. I have been doing this for 40 years. Its is not a family thing it is what I do for my community. I have given up my house, my privacy, money and time. This is one of the last things I had control of in my life.
So dad just strolls into the barbeque. I saw him out of my side vision and chose to ignore him. I have so many things to do at this event. He strolled by my wife and smiled and laughed, "funny to see you here" he said, she was fuming.
It is a game with him, to see how he can minilipate others. he has been trying to come to this barbeque for years. I dont go to his things. This friend asked if she could bring him years ago and I said no.
Am I a child right now? Yes. Am I foolish? Yes. Am I pissed right now? Yes. I was with him last week for 18 hours in the car, you think it would have come up in conversation, hell it should have come up at dinner this week or anyother time I am in my own home but he chooses to see how he can circumvent my systems and get one by me.
Had I reacted last night he would have been on his way out of state to a relatives house with his bags packed.
I am just tired of the games he is playing but when he needs money I have to be there, when something needsd to be fixed I have to do it.
I am tired, exhausted and so pissed off right now I cant see straight. Thank you for listening, I am just venting right now, it is the only way I can vent without looking like I need a straight jacket.
I have giving 25% of my home up to him and 100% of my privacy.... I am just tired......... mentally drained with all of his games.