The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Finally! Nearly ready for stucco color. The gray is an undercoat. The house will be a greyish white, trim color called pewter (gray). This undercoat has taken two weeks, still a bit to do.

Lower area that is white will be a stack stone veneer.

Wishing they would hurry up. I am anxious and excited.

Thanks Dori. I think you’re having a normal experience. I guess it’s a process.

I look at my photos from the mid to late 60’s. My friends and I look like cookie cutters. I looked at PJ’s photos from that time period - clean cut, all male, Catholic high school. Totaluniformity.

Oh ya.....the '80s photos show teenaged me in a mullet and ripped mesh and triple-wrap belts. And a rolled-up-sleeves blazer I wore proudly festooned with so many "jeweled" brooches, my English teacher told me I looked like a Spanish general.

I think the exhaustion is an indication of how much mental energy you have been using to keep things together for so long.
The pic is beautiful, the 50's styles were so glamorous and black and white is also more forgiving I think - I doubt our youthful pics from the 70's and 80's will ever be anything but embarrassing (maybe I should destroy them all now?)

Oh Becky, I didn't realize about PJ, I must have missed it when I was away from the forum. I'm soooooo so so sorry. And I'm so sorry that you have to deal with all that other family crap in the middle of your own grieving. Our dysfunctional families really are the gift that keeps on giving, aren't they? (((((Big hugs)))))

(((((Sharyn))))) I know you must be freaking out - I hope your brother is awake and perky really soon!

Everyone else - I am reading, just not able to respond to everything right now.

I am SO TIRED. All the time. Has this happened to anyone else? I don't remember being this tired when I've lost anyone else in my life. I'll fall asleep sitting up in my desk chair, reading something online, and with my hand still on the darned computer mouse!!! Then I'll jerk awake, try to read some more, and fall asleep again after a line or two. Between Friday and today, I think I slept 28 of 36 hours (mostly in bed this time), with a few breaks to get up and eat, read a little, and get so dozey in my chair that I had to go back to bed. Is this normal???

I don't really know what's normal. Tuesday and Wednesday were rage days. I was just ragey. I think it started with having to clear mom's stuff out of hospice on Tuesday (that smell!!! what's that smell!!!!) and finished with having to write her obit Wednesday night. Rage. Stabby rage. I bailed on a friend I was going to visit Tuesday evening, because I'd just cleared mom's stuff and I learned they were sitting around drinking and I didn't want to be around drinking. Then she took that wrong, like, personally. Then I had to explain myself, trying NOT to sound ragey about it. I thought grieving meant not having to explain yourself. Then just a lot of everything until the obit was done - you know, things that have to be done and people calling and you're just like, "CAN'T YOU ALL LEAVE ME ALONE FOR A DAY WHILE I GRIEVE!!!???" When the obit was done - and the quote for the service booklet and choosing photos, I knew the worst of the funeral planning was over, and that's when the sleepiness started kicking in.

I just did it again. Got myself cleaned up, went for dinner with best guy friend, came home and fell asleep sitting up in front of the computer. For hours this time. The cat even jumped on me at one point, and then gave up trying to wake me. I feel bad for him, he must be so confused.

After all that fuss with Mom's TS and my creepy cousin, I got bro to make the call to them. Turns out no one answered. Bro left a message, no one's called back. Come to think of it, TS hasn't tried to call Mom since August 19, which is a little strange? For someone who tried to call at least a couple of times a day, anyway. That was the day before cousin's birthday. I just (finally) got into Mom's Facebook yesterday, and noticed cousin hasn't posted since his birthday either. I wonder if something happened? Or.....I wonder if his phone got cut off, which wouldn't be the first time. I did have the obit put in both provincial newspapers, so they should be able to find out about mom anyway, and I just posted it on FB today (Saturday).

Not trying to be paranoid, but I read mom's will and apparently IF bro and I both die within 30 days of Mom, her TS gets everything.....so I warned bro about that. Like I said, not trying to be paranoid, but cousin is in debt up to his eyeballs and if he knows about that part of the will.....who the heck knows how desperate he might be feeling? He's not smart enough to pull off murder, but he's a narcissist so he probably THINKS he's smart enough. Ask a cop, they'll tell you anyone is capable of murder. Lol, bro and I are now making jokes about getting other people to taste our food.

Oh, I just changed my avatar pic - just for a little while anyway. That's my mom in the late '50s. Found a bunch of very glamourous shots of mom from back then - or is it just b&w that makes everything look better?

sharyn - the waiting is so difficult. Prayers that he "come to" soon.

cmag -so sorry for the loss of your friend. I am sure she was proud of you. Take care.

Cmag , I’m so sorry about your classmate. I understand how it has hit you hard. I went through a similar loss a few years ago.

Thanks. I am a bit surprised how hard her death has hit me. I guess I'll come down out of my man cave and go back in the house and possibly to bed.

Magnum, I am so sorry to hear about your classmate and friend. Maybe you did not live up, but you far surpassed in other areas she did not ever dream of.

So, young. So sad.

Ttoday is a sad one for a classmate who was also a cheerleader while I played high school football died early this morning. I and most of our classmates were on her Facebook friends list.

She just moved into a new townhouse and was looking forward to having her grandchildren over to help her unpack.

She died a month short of her 62nd birthday.

I am in my man cave looking over my year books and reading what she wrote in them. I am not sure if I lived up to her advice or not, but I have tried to. We are having a powerful thunderstorm tonight. I have been up here a little over three hours. Thanks for listening.

Sharyn, I cannot imagine how anxious you must feel. Just try to be patient. Thinking of you and family.

Book, my nephew said it’s because they couldn’t bring him out of sedation and then the induced coma. Thank you!

Thanks everyone. It concerns me he is so groggy still. They are looking for ways to stimulate him. Ordinarily he would be getting release to leave after 2 weeks. I guess I have to be patient.

Sharyn, as we age it takes longer to recover from surgery of any kind even from just the effects of the anesthesia. Bro's doc's kept him in a coma for a few weeks, so I would think coming out of it could take days or weeks. I really don't know, but is sounds reasonable. 😢

sharyn ((((((((hugs)))))))

Sharyn, I'm not familiar at all about transplants. It could be so many things. What do the doctors say? I've learned when my dad was in the ER and his body was shutting down, that every shift doctor had a different opinion of what was happening. I'm thinking the same is happening with your brother???

This is a very difficult place to be in. The not knowing. And the doctors not being as straight forward as they ought. Positive thoughts and wishes to your brother. {Hugs}

I don’t understand what has happened to my brother. Why won’t he wake up completely? Is he going to be like this permanently? Any medical people here know possible reasons?

Madge, Completely moved in, but still have a lot of unpacking to do. I woke up at 1:00 and haven’t gone back to sleep. Must be my new normal.

Becky,

hope you're sound asleep in your new home tonight

Family dysfunctions are like unpaid bills that are passed down from one generation to another until someone stops making payments.

Dysfunctional family members are like bad pennies. They keep turning up.

Thank you Cmcare- your analogy made me giggle. Feel the same thing sometimes. Thank you so much for making me smile. :)

Analogy Description: I feel like I’m on a chartered boat called the SS Minnow . There is the Skipper and his first mate is Gilligan with passengers and I’m one. All the other passengers jumped off the boat to a raft and I’m ship wrecked on a island 🌴 with the The Skipper and Gilligan . I can’t ask the professor for advice because he may have made it to mainland and forgot to notify proper authorities to send out a rescue mission.

Oh Becky my God, you have had So much on your plate since losing you husband, I can't believe that this is all happening to you so quickly and from all angles, it's Bloody Awful!

Sad to hear about your brother, and hope that things work out in your relationship in the end! It seems like he should know better, regarding that bad Niece, but he is stuck in the middle, as guardian of her 2 kids, is that still the case, hopefully she will begin to fly right and take over the care of her own children, God, I can't imagine being dumped on, and having to raise someone else's kids at our age? I just can't believe how everything came crashing down on you, and for that I am so very sorry!

Glad to hear that your Cataract surgery went well, that's one good thing! Is your new home anywhere near your old place? And what are you going to do with your old home, the one that you just had the addition added onto for your brother? Are you planning on selling that one too? Won't he want you to buy him out in some way, as he did put the money up for the addition, didn't he? What a mess!

Once this move is over for you, I hope that You take a good amount of time to decompress from all of the stress! You Cannot keep on at this pace, or you will become sick! There's been too much going on for you to heal properly both physically and emotionally, and I would hate to see you become really ill from all of this, in fact I can't believe you haven't already, you must be one tough cookie, that's for sure, but nobody can keep up that pace for too long, so do take care of yourself!

You mentioned that you will need a good cry once you are all moved in, now make sure that crying will not put added pressure on your healing Cataract, though I don't imagine that that is something that you have any control over, just do be careful!

Lat us know how you are doing, and Take Care, I am thinking of you during this difficult time! {{{HUGS}}}

No major mom drama this week so far, and for that I'm grateful. I hope I haven't spoken too soon. It's really sad when we even have to say that, isn't it?

Apparently no one from sis's camp showed up last week to see mom or take her with them, despite the drama from mom and sister's attorney and that whole hullabaloo. I was prepared to have to call the police if my sister took her out of there. The staff is already on alert that she is not to leave with them.

I took mom to her appointment yesterday and she did say, "I'm sorry if I said anything to make you mad." I was like, "Well, I did get mad. The stuff you told my sister isn't true." She said, "Well, I just wish you would stay longer and we could hang out more." I'm usually with her at least 2-3 days out of the week, and for about 1-2 hours at a time, although sometimes it's half a day if we end up going to appointments and then stopping for lunch, at the store, etc. I myself really don't "hang out" all that much, as I do well most weeks to keep track of everything I need to do for me, hubs, the kids, business stuff, etc. Plus she and I don't have a lot to talk about. It's the usual complaining, negative, nothing ever makes her happy, so I really don't say a lot.

I still haven't called APS yet about looking into a public guardian, although I know I really should. I feel kind of torn about it because I am doing this unpaid due to mom's limited amount of funds, but I know a state-appointed person is going to want to be paid, and I imagine it's not cheap.

I am happy with where mom is as the staff is really good to her and looks out for her, and I'm worried that she would run out of funds much sooner and have to move somewhere else that takes Medicaid. Not saying that would be a bad thing, and that ultimately may be what happens anyway if we don't get the house mess sorted out so it can be used for her care (lovely sis has it tied up in court), but I've been trying to get it fixed so she can stay there for the long haul, unless or until she reaches the point that she needs NH care, which then Medicaid would be our only option.

Sometimes I ask myself why I even care or make it my problem, and like when I was at my wit's end the other day, I was ready to just walk away from it and not look back. But when I think about her having to move out of somewhere where I know she is being taken care of and has a good quality of life, I feel guilty and I think, "Ok, maybe I can do it for a little while longer."

I may change my mind and call it quits for good when the next major crap hits the fan. *Sigh* I just never envisioned doing this at this stage of my life. I envisioned spending time with and enjoying my own family, and maybe getting to travel like she was able to do. This boundary setting thing is always a work in progress.

susan - in my experience blowing up or being nasty then carrying on as if nothing happened is the norm is dysfun fams. But, if someone did it to them, you would hear about it for decades. Glad your visit was decent and your dad is looking after himself.

Adding to my saga, from a month or so ago, when I joined this group:
The last 3 days, I went to visit my father, at his Retirement community apartment. 1 1/2 months ago, his odd self, screamed at me to never come back. I was thinking that is what I will do, but he asked me to help him with some errands, and he has never acted as if the screaming at me, has ever happened. I am from pure dysfunctional family, so the screaming at me, happens, periodically..and is not due to dementia.
So, I am happy to report..that he acted fine. He has been eating, and taking care of himself, and the visit was fine....so..until he explodes again, all is 'ok'.
He does still marginalize me, and talks over me..but..he has no idea he does it.
But just wanted to send a quick note to this group, as my prior writings were so 'down'.

They were 8 when we got married. They will be 10 on 9/9 I think. Most of the time I feel like I need a flow chart with all of those boys (and girls). I miss all of them at times. But bottom line is I’m just the stepgrandmother (of short duration and it’s not my place to be a part of their lives unless invited or asked to do so. I was a little hurt that a couple of the grandchildren didn’t call after PJ died. But I guess since they are in Georgia and over 18 with their mother and her family maybe I shouldn’t be surprised.

Be glad to get move behind me and move forward. At the time we decided to make the move, it was something we both wanted. But things took a big change and now I wish I wasn’t having to do all of this.

Had my surgery. Piece of cake.

Now I am confused. Becky, you wrote about 10 yr old twin boys at one point in the last year - one of them had a fracture. I am finding it very hard to follow the "story line" with all these changes. Must be my aging brain.

In any case, obviously you are distressed. My sympathies.

Two of them went away to college. The two younger brothers age 16 have permanent residence with their dad’s family. PJ provided two weekends a month respite for their cousin and for annual vacations. Occasionally they visited for holidays. One auto accident three grandchildrean, daughter and her husband killed. His other son died of pancreatic cancer. Three of his children over 18, other two are now with. Their mother since she is home.