The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Weren't the parents killed in auto accidents? That is why PJ had them, I thought.

There are only two that he was still caring for that were under 18. They have moved back in with their fathers. The other two who were 8 were only with us while their mother was overseas coaching soccer. They had gone back home several months ago. All of the others are at universities from southern Maine to Boston to Atlanta. I actually miss all of them.

Only two people with me now are my two second cousins. They are both over 21, have jobs, going to graduate school. Big help to me right now.

Where will all of the grandchildren of PJ's go? Who will now adopt them? Are they headed to foster care?

Good heavens, Becky. How sad that Jay’s loyalties are skewed. So much hurt in your life right now; you do not need (nor deserve) this extra dose. You are strong and amazing. Your resolve — and the kindness of others— will get you through your surgery and the move. Be kind to yourself. Rest when you need to. ((((big hugs))))

Becky,

Yes, the timing is lousy with so much upheaval in your life, but try not think of today as a lost day - having the cataract surgery will help you enjoy the beautiful scenery of where you live

even if you can't sleep, try just to rest your eyes now and take a few deep breaths - imagine the oxygen filling your body down to your toes

sending healing thoughts your way

(((Becky))) Let yourself feel however you feel, no guilt. You've been through so much just in the past couple weeks. Be easy on yourself. I'm glad your cousin will be there with you some to keep you company. Prayers and good vibes that the move goes quickly and you can start to rest a little.

It’s 4:30 am. I can’t sleep. I’m up feeling sorry for myself and I shouldn’t feel this way. I’d go bake something, but most of my kitchen stuff has been moved to the new house. I only have the bare essentials. This move is stressful. Wish I had had another week or so to get everything done.

Today is mostly a lost day. I’m having my first cataract surgery at 9:00 am. I hope it goes well. Should have my other eye done in three weeks. My cousin is driving me to the hospital. She’s read all of the pre and post op instructions. She doesn’t have a class today and only works late afternoon hours today. She’s going to put my eye drops in.

When end this move is over I’m going to sit down and cry for a couple of days.

My apology to Book, I meant Barb.

I am glad to hear good things happening around the posts. It keeps hope strong.
I will be off for a few days.

Rays of love peace and happiness to all.

Glad, I get hyper and just keep going. I’ll probably crash and burn this Saturday. I feel like I need to sit down and cry for a couple of days.

Major dysfunctional mess with my niece and her little girls. Jay has moved back to Ohio with the girls. He is extremely upset with me because PJ and I would not let my niece move in our house. This is the same niece who stole from from me on two different occasions, maybe three. No way. She came to the house two or so months ago right after I got out of the hospital and was telling me what to do while she sat around and did nothing. She thought she could live with us - no job. Just sit around. She was asking us for money, etc. So another case of the dysfunctional family being the gift that keeps on giving. Our housekeeper quit while she was she was there. She was so rude to her it was awful. My niece is too much trouble to be around. Jay shouldn’t be involved with her, but he’ll have to learn that on his own. I hate that Jay is upset with me. I’m moving with help from PJ’s family and my two cousins. They are all a great deal of help. I can’t deal with the family crap in the middle of PJ dying. Just can’t. Tomorrow I’m having my first cataract surgery.

Why is it no good deed goes unpunished? 2nd funeral this year I have to travel to and take dad. This one does not involve planes, trains and wheel chairs but a 7 hour drive. I was not planning on going but the guilt gets to best of me every time. I called a relative to crash there, will cost me bringing them dinner. I get to see a favorite relative before the next funeral.
Dad is already telling everyone we are coming and telling me every goat path to go on. I tried to set up a quick meet with my best friend but no, the time will not allow.
So he is trying to manipulate the trip. Me its a turn and burn. get in get out. The last one cost me 2 grand to take him. This one hopefully will be fuel and tolls and a quick lunch.
The guilt gets me. I try to be the good son but somehow this will bite me in the ass again. The last one the family still wont talk to me. I have no idea what I do other than vote for the other party they dont like. I dont even bring up politics, they do, I try to keep my mouth shut but they take that as a fight when I say nothing.
So in and out as stealthy as I can.
I am sure I will get smacked with the olive branch again....

Golden, good question about what Jay will do. And then what about the two young girls he has custody of? Hopefully, Beck that housekeeper is chipping in. Will she also move with you?

I cannot imagine doing all the canning you did last weekend, after closing on the house knowing you had a big move and cleaning out a well and long lived in house.

Book I agree with you 100 percent. My issue was with the statement of my mothers care was a priority. because I am the one who makes her needs a priority on a daily basis, cut her toe nails, change her linens, and clean her environment on a regualar basis., not when she falls or come from the hopsital. that is my frustration. Point in matter. When I came back I learned my mother was to get her meals frozen on the weekends, this is from my sister. She made the arrangements after being contacted by the agency, and agreed to have the 7 meals delivered frozen on saturdays. I have no problem with this. So when the meals come its only 3 meals. The 1st weekend, no meals, the 2nd 3 and now this last sat she got two meals. I finally got through to her manager trying to see about her getting regular meals again and learned she was to get 7 meals and she is investigating what happened. There was no followup from my sister and because she does not feed my mother I guess that wasnt a priority. so I was voicing my frustrations about the farce of caring for my mother while making my stolen or missing property an almost silly notion. I truly resented the farce and the insinuation that I am crying over a crockpot when there are more important things.

As I mentioned before my mother has always been a priority for me and in my life even when I was not there. So the things I do now I have always been doing. The frustration comes with the belittlement and being excluded from her care and seeing the farce in her care.

Book, Yes, my sister may be avoiding a homeattendant because someone in that house on a daily basis would be a witness to my sister doing nothing. With some real help the dog mess would not be an issue.

That is my frustration, this Family front is bull. If we were pulling together and truly all of us working towards the same goal my mother would be getting better care and home would be in better condition.

So, I find my self in a better place. I know I have to learn to let go. I feel I had every right in my feelings when my property was sabatoged. There is no stove, my mother needs to eat and all I am trying to do is prepare her a decent meal that she will eat. We used to eat turkey wings with greans and macaroni every sunday. I keep it simple, I just want to do something special sometimes especialy when her appetite decreases and she acts out. It was my way to give her special attention. And with all that in my heart, it was very upsetting to have my intentions dismissed by a lie about family concerns. What family?

Anyways I appreciate the feeback I received. it trully helps and was very grounding. This is who I am. I was brainwashed from chidhood to be just who I am. Now I realize this, stepping out of the cast is a difficult process. Which is why I reach out here. And I thank you all for the help.

((((sharyn))))) wonderful news. You all needed that!!!

glad- yep!!! Love the high ceilings

becky - where will jay live? You just remodelled to make a place for him. So much change...

dori - would be great to have your own place. Looks like things are falling into place for you. Watch those twisted sisters and cousins.

madge - how is your mum doing with the reduced dose of risperdal?

Turned into fall here a few days ago. Leaves are starting to turn yellow and it goes down to 40s at night. Love this time of year. I wish the winters weren't so long. I am still off meat so I gave lots from my freezer to my dd as I doubt I am going back to it. "They say" a vegan diet is healthy. I am seriously thinking about getting a cat when I get back from my next trip south mid September. Otherwise it is just plugging away at tossing things, if even a few at a time. I have been having "sweats" which I can't attribute to anything in particular,. My temp is normal and I am well past "that" age and I don't feel sick. I know they can come with CFS/FM. Oh, well!

Take care all - do something good for you!

Thank you Becky. Wow! They are not giving you much time are they. I’m glad you have family helping you. Make sure you don’t over do it. Your surgery wasn’t too long ago.

Dori, thank you. It sounds like you have good plans. I am so happy you and your brother are helping each other, letting bygones be bye bye.

Try to do best you can and take one day at time. Also try to have a back up plan ahead of time just in case things don’t seem to be to working out to well just in case all of a sudden you get rerouted and have to take a detour and not know where you’re at. It’s a lot easier said than done. At least if started to think of possibilities ahead of time you’ll at least have idea where your at and try to make it to the destination.

Becky

it will be good to have some company in the new house

Dori, That will be great if you can buy out brother on your mom’s apartment. Owning something is not a bad thing. Receiving the inheritance will make things easier for you with your injury. It will give you more flexibility.

I’m going all the paperwork and sorting thing too. Never paid much attention to how many “boy toys” PJ accumulated, but I’m finding out now. I knew he was very stable financially, but have found some pleasant surprises.

Such good news, Sharyn, I'm so glad.

Glad - yup, that was the anthem of my generation. Lol.

Well, still waiting on an actual date for the memorial, but the ball is rolling. I also bought something called "estate protection," which they didn't have when mom set up her funeral. They will notify all the credit bureaus and send them the death cert. so no one can use mom's name or identity to get credit cards, loans, mortgages, etc. I never even thought of that before, but once I started wondering what mom's TS and my creepy cousin might be capable of (and how many times cousin tried to manipulate mom into co-signing things).....yeah.

Going through papers and files this week - apparently mom had a LOT of money socked away in investments. There's more than enough there that I'm going to talk to my bro about buying him out on mom's apartment. (Her will says everything is to be split equally between him and I.) It is a nice apartment, and you are allowed to rent them out despite the building being strata. I have seen others in the building listed for rent at almost twice what I pay in rent for my place. I know there are taxes and fees and such, but I do think it would help pay my own expenses, plus.....I would own something. Plus I really have no idea what I'm going to do for work now, with my injury. At least if my rent and a couple of bills got paid, I could possibly make up the rest with my artistic endeavours. Plus....yeah, I'd own something.

Sharyn, Good to hear your brother is making more progress. I’m sure it’s a relief to the family.

I’m over my head in moving. Have to be out as early on Friday as possible. Decorator did a wonderful job on window treatments. This was supposed to have been mine and PJ’s dream house, but didn’t turn out quite as planned. But it does have many features I love. Simply getting moved is the biggest issue. Sons and grandsons are a huge help.

My two second cousins are going to staying with me this academic year. They are going to graduate school at the U. They have jobs at the university. I’m helping them out with a place to stay. They’re both good company and PJ and I invited them because we had plenty of room and wanted to help them. They’ve been great at helping me pack.

Glad, I really like the front view of your house. Such a nice porch for relaxing.

Thank you MsMadge! It has been the best news all summer.

Duck; to an outsider, your nephew's text seems to be civil and to the point. Stop buying stuff. Pay your bills. Save.

Maybe that's what they are looking at, too.

As your son says, don't feed it.

Can you see that perhaps someone might think that leaving a crockpot around for your mother to fool with (maybe try to plug in) might be a dangerous thing? And that leaving the meat where she could get at it was also dangerous?

I agree that she needs constant supervision, as in a home attendant. Has your sister applied for Medicaid for her?

Is a home attendant going to report the constant presence of dog urine and feces to her supervisor? Could this be a hold up in getting this process started, in your sister's mind?

I know that you are doing the best that you can.

Just checked YouTube for Twisted Sister😁. Fitting. The first song that resulted from the search? "We're Not Going To Take It". Appropriate, don't you all think?

Good news, indeed, Sharyn

Yes, Sharyn.

Thank you Glad! Is your avatar a picture of what the front of your new home will look like?

Thank you Duck, take care of yourself.

I dont know what, why or how it happened. I just know that my nephews response took me too one hundred I could feel my throat throbbing. I felt that way many times when I first moved back and was under attack from my mohter and my sister. I had to ask my mother one day "Do you think I am going to be like this forever" because they were all but litterally kicking me when I was down. I was blowing up here and there and my pressure would not come down. I am not going to let this take me there again. And thank goodness I can come here and find understanding.

I could hear my sister in my nephews response. She is magical and skillful, masterful and deciet and difileing. Just like my mother. I will be so glad when karma comes into town. I am no where near perfect but all I focus on is my mother eating, and trying to keep her area clean. I dont mess with anyone or anyones property although there are times I am highly tempted to just the same as when my mother had more of her senses.

I am hoping to get certified and get a decent enough settlement that I can get a "cottage" somewhere near my son and grands and supplement my little pension and benefits working as long as I am able and get an umpalumpa.

Meanwhile if that doesnt happen then I have to do the best I can with what I have and thrive to make it happen.

I sometimes wonder what it is that draws this type of negativity in my life. This type of sabatoge is not new. Sometimes I see it as spiritual warfare and sometimes I wonder How i got in it.

Please keep me in prayer. I am trusting that the Father will resolve this. I pray regularly for Him to show me what I need to do or how to correct myself. I am sure the answer will seem easy. I dont know where this road with my twisted and her sons is going to lead to. I just pray for justice and all I want is the best for my mother despite her ugiliness and spitefulness towards me before ;her mind got bad.

I look in her eyes as we talk or jive or she asks me a qustion. Deep down I want to ask her if she really knew what she was doing when she lied and did ugly things not just about me. I cant beleive that they truly do not see any wrong in their actions. I just cant understand it.

I wonder if when she looks at me, if she remembers how she was, if she sees the difference in how my sister and I treat her. If she realizes that she set herself and us up for this.

This is why when life feels good, I get scared. When I get a taste of happiness its like something is going to happen. When I am happy I feel like something is wrong. I wish someone could just pour wisdom and understanding in my head.

Thanks for bearing with my drama.

Rays of divine love, peace and happiness to us all.

Thank you all for the comments, it helps, its food for thought and reinforcement. To be honest I have a lot of debt from bad choices in my life. I also cannot afford to get an apartment. Either I make too much or too little it has always been that way. I am constantly applying for housing. through a computer program. If I get chosen from a lottery with reasonable rent I will jump on it quick fast.

Its hard to explain this family and allowing myself to be in the mist of the sickness. Sometimes I want to leave, just let it go. I cant leave my mother and my finances are not straight. In a few years I think I will see my way until then I have to try and put up with this so I can save and pay.

I have worked since I was thirteen so SS benefits will be good but cost of living is so high. I do intend to relocate eventually.

Guess What!! The Crockpot Express? I found it this morning in the bathroom on my floor which is dysfunctional. When i moved in my sister locked her bathroom door. This bathroom was filled with junk and dirty with cat litter box sitting right in front of the toilet. Its small. So everytime I took it out my sister put it back. I asked my motherr to lay down the rule to leave it out. It just went in a bitter circle. I was already stessed about my treatment when I moved in so I let it be. I had a pee pot which I was ashamed to mention in these past years which I emptied in that toilet, when I didnt feel like walking two flights down to use bathroom. Which is how I found it this morning. It was a shock to see someone was so vile and spiteful to do this.

I had been speaking to my son and letting him talk to my mother on video when I got in this morning, she was enjoying watching the baby and later the other two when they woke up.

I had to call my son back and he said just dont feed into it. I text my nephew say I found the box in 2nd flor bathroom on top of litter box, (Not to mention that my sister has since left that litter box filled with cat waste in bathroom and bought another one and place it in the back rooom on her floor which is what she should have done when I first moved in.) I text my nephew that the devil is usy and has full reign with people in this family. Sorry to have bothered you. Its crazy. I also texted that its sad. Ma would not be able to carry that box with both hands up 2 flights and place it there.
(In fact when I came in it was obvious she was long busy seasoning the meats with everything she could put her hands on)

So this fool texts me back: .: "The family is actully more concerned about ma's health safety and well being not a crackpot. did ma have her hot cakes sausage and coffee she likes for breakfast or should I stop and get it."

I read this text when I got off train on way to work. I almost blew a fuse. I realize that these things are done just for that purpose.

My nephew dosesnt have a clue. I was grateful that he would ask should he bring breakfasts. And I quickly texted him back asking why is the FAMILY finding it important to manipulate and focus on moving a crock-pot intead and making sure she is fed and in a clean environment. Has the F seen the mold in the shed that is not safe. Did the F address the pest situation. Does the F realize she has dementia and needs a home attendant. If they are so concerned why was something I ordered, so as to inspire her to eat become someones spiteful focus. Does the family notice her eathing habits or the problem with the fridge ( the molding the guyt replaced is falling off again!) Is the jF going to sit and wait for her to trip or fall or get injured before she gets a home attendant. Or sis the F going to continue to be delusional and Poisonous and spiteful.

Then I added When the FAMILY's true priority is Ma then they will leave my S2#$t alone.

Hey, now, this is the dysfunctional thread! ;) Happy for you both, sharyn and dori! So, there is hope for some of us?