The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Book, yes I am eligible for a pension. Had I been working with the city I would have been able to receive a pension at 55. Since I was not employed with the city I have to either get a job working with the city and retire or wait until I am 65.

Sharyn, I am happy for you and your brother and keeping you in my prayers and thoughts.

Dorianne, I am so happy for your relationship with your brother. That you are closer and more supportive of each other. A team. I think that when siblings are together they are invincible. Its wonderful how your mother planned everything out. I think that is the most thoughful thing a person can do if they can. I am keeping you both in my prayers and thoughts.

Sharyn, Wonderful! Hope all is now going to go as well as it can. Thinking of you and family.

Thank you Send. We needed great news. This has been a very hard summer for which we have not fully recovered from, this helps lift our spirits. I am just so excited!


Stacey, thank you! I love the story of your uncle thinking he was on a cruise ship!! Definitely a story to treasure!

SharynM, that's Great news! Here's hoping that your brother continues to have positive improvements every day! I'm praying for your brother and family!

I had an Uncle who had open heart surgery, and it took many days for him to come out of the anesthesia. After about 5 days, with worry that he might have brain injury, he was so restless and thrashing around, that he needed to restrained in the bed, as he thought that he was on a cruise ship (him and my Auntie had been on many cruises), looking out the window, and was screaming for the Captain to "pull the boat over and to let him off"! It was scary at the time, but so funny in hindsight (he enjoyed the story too), thankfully he did fully recover, and lived an additional 15 years or so. He was always my Favorite Uncle!

Many Blessings to you and your family during this stressful time! Love, Stacey

This was the exact perfect time for some good news!
And Sharyn, you needed this blessing. : )

Yes, the Lord is good! All the time!

So good to hear, Sharyn!
Your brother is on his way now.

He’s awake!!! Praise the lord!!!

Huh. I just looked it up and apparently it's not illegal to scatter cremains in BC. Do not listen to friends who act like they know stuff! You do have to get permission from the landowner, but since we're talking about the ocean.....

Not only was there a band called Twisted Sister, but also I saw them open for my heroes, Iron Maiden, in Vancouver in 1984, a week after I turned 16. Mom bought me the ticket for my birthday.

Duck, As Barb said, quit spending money on stuff for these people to steal, ruin and throw away. You need to focus on your long term needs. Keep meals as simple as possible. Cook small quantities so there is no waste or ruin. Your mother’s appetite is decreasing.

Dori, good to hear about you and bro! Twisted sister (there was a band too, wasn't there?) Is for all as it fits so many relationships that I have read about here. Duck has one too. And the term helped me to detach from my situation.

Funny, or maybe not, following mom's memorial TS1 had family to her home for a bbq. I can't remember the entire discussion but I said to ts2 that mom would not have wanted to live as she had been for so many years. Ts2 turned to me with a look of complete shock on her face. It seemed that she had expected me to be angry about the hospice decision, which I found out about accidentally. Of course I wasn't, I was angry about the complete lack of communication even when I asked. That is how twisted families can get. I wonder what else she assumes that is incorrect. I will probably never know as I really do not reopen that can of worms.

Is it illegal to disperse ashes in the ocean? I once tried to find if it is illegal here as I thought it was. But, it is not. Imagine trying to enforce a law like that.

Dorianne; I'm so glad that you and your brother are able to team up to get your mom's final wishes taken care of.

Duck; why are you throwing good money after bad? It sounds like these folks will steal or spoil anything you bring into this vermin infested bedlam. Why are you not making plans to re-locate?

You have a nursing license, yes? That's probably the most portable license in the country. You can get out of NYC and go somewhere where the cost of living is less and start socking away some cash for your retirement.

You mentioned that you had worked for EMS; do you have a pension that you can claim from them when the time comes?

Hello all.....thank you so much for your thoughts and kind words. I am still of mixed emotions about everything. Trying to remember the good and let go of the bad. Torn between feeling relief in no longer being a caregiver to a querulous old woman, and wishing I was a better person to my mother in her last year of life. All of those things.

My mother seems to have gotten her true last wish though: I think my brother and I are becoming friends again. This last month or two, I don't think there are many decisions I've made without him. We have had some long and thoughtful conversations, and even done a little bit of processing together, about BOTH of our mixed feelings and such. It's been pretty good, actually.....and the funny thing is he's been the one to gently make me see the good side of mom, while I've been the one to let him know her bad side wasn't all about him all these years.

I remember this one conversation, the evening after she passed, where I was trying to let him know how much she loved him. He said, "I know. I just don't think she liked me very much."

I was kind of delighted to let him know, "She didn't like ME very much either, towards the end!"

And we talked about the nature of negativity and mom's depression, and maybe both learned not to take mom's "stuff" so personally. Truly, mom didn't like anyone, in a way.

So we are hoping to do the memorial the week after Labour Day weekend. I missed the funeral home guy's phone call Saturday, so we'll be talking Monday. (Honestly, I didn't want to talk about it this weekend anyway! I kind of took a couple of days off from "adulting.") Mom apparently pre-paid and pre-arranged the whole thing 15 years ago. The only thing I had to really sort out so far was how to get mom from here to Vancouver, where the service will be. (The funeral home's "sister organization" here in town took charge of that - she'll be cremated here and I can take her ashes to Vancouver.) Then we are going to put her ashes in the ocean, which isn't in the will (probably because it's not technically legal), but it's what she told us she wanted.

We actually haven't told anyone yet. His boss knows, and a few of my friends here in town know. But we don't want to put mom's Twisted Sister (I like that phrase) and my Creepy Cousin on alert so we're waiting till the funeral date is set to start making calls. I really wish we could just tell them after it's all over and done with, but someone from the old neighbourhood will be on the phone to mom's TS in a heartbeat. So no point trying to be subversive about it. Apparently mom arranged for a limousine in her funeral arrangements! I don't know why since we're not going to the cemetary, and there's no other reason to use it. I told bro I wouldn't ride with auntie and cousin, and he doesn't want to either, so we're going to see if we can use the limo to transport mom's friends who have mobility issues to the service, instead of using it for the family. Then no one can complain about being shut out or whatever.

Take the high road, he says, when I express bitterness or resentment and want them nowhere near any of this. Then two days later he's resentful and bitter and wants them nowhere near, and I'm saying, Take the high road! So hard to have to plan your mother's funeral around a pair of "predators," as brother calls them. But at least we're a team now! Lol.

Here in town, even though my brother can't come help with stuff (he's just so sick), my friends are rallying around to help, and my stepsister too, even though she only met my mom once in her life and doesn't even remember it. Got to get all the paperwork and stuff together this week, and I suppose photos of mom for the service. Maybe some of her paintings for display, if they'll allow that. After the service, mom's apartment.

I'm running out of characters, I guess I'd better post this!

I felt ashamed. I couldn't get her to stay from the gate. She fought me when I pulled her away, only to go back. I think that was "sun-downing" she had to see this man no matter what. Same way she was the first time she got away and was missing. It was sad. I just had to leave her to be.

Plus she hadn't eaten well at all. its really sad and then I see mail where my sister has gotten from the family leave act. I am like she stays up stairs. I wash, clean and cook. Sometimes I just have to leave the pee in hall. I feel guilty but since I have learned who my sister is and got a taste of how she thinks, I leave it. I see she is a lot like my mother, who used to say to me "I am tired of cleaning up behind you", which would shock me into realizing she was transferring her stuff on me. My sister says the same kind of things. I dont engage her anymore. Her number is out of my phone. But I am really having a problem understanding and dealing with her tendency to blame me for everything, realizing she really believes her delusion. Its like when we were kids, I used to always tell her that that balloon she lives in was going to bust one day.

I thought about responding to a post about being wrongly accused and in so many words I said to find the humor. That post popped right in my head when the dish washing liquid incident happened. I was glad I could find humor after my pot was stolen and it does help.

I had thought about recording my mother. You know, we used to do a lot of preparation for events and holidays. Maybe the one time we really got along because I would buy everything and then help her cook. So when I made this plan to cook with her she was on board and while I was cleaning before I left she was telling me all these conspiracies about someone. Or would say I'ma make you laugh (listen to this). I want to record her on those days. I was very seldom able to talk to my mother. If I told her stuff she would use it or try to use it against me. She would make up outrageous lies to hurt me and the accusations hurt because if she believed what she was saying then she didn't know me at all.

I try to stay away from the bad memories but a present event will make me remember and it goes on and on.

Next week I will be 58, God willing. Going out to dinner with my girlfiend and colleague who is retiring on thurday. She got a boytoy when I first met her about 18 years ago. Takes him to atalantic city, shopping then sends him home. A sugar mama. I admired her back then and now, she is still handling her business. LOL.

I hope everyone is maintianing. Rays of divine love and peace and happiness to all.

I have been off for a few days. I am so sorry to hear the bad news.

Becky I hope you are okay.

I really love this family here, this AC family. When something happens or I feel a certain way I come here and I am so grateful that I can. Sometimes I cant wait to post what happens I am glad I can do that. It helps to know you are out there.

Aside from the regular stress, I was sick. A little listless. My mother had not been eating well. Her meals on wheels were cut down to weekends, 3 frozen dinners. I have been calling to get her reinstated to daily. So anyway, Ist day off I had doctor appointment. Now I have a few followups to do, mainly the thyroid sonogram.

So on way home I stopped at store to see if my crock pot express came. It did! I put it up, didnt even open it. My mother was eating poorly, I didnt feel like cooking and was motivated by a friend to get up off my but and get stuff done so I can rest on my last day off. So I Did just that.

I went and bought some pig feet, greens, pig tails. All of which I have not cooked since my sister had the gas stove turned off. I learned that this pot can slow cook, pressure cook all that good stuff. I dropped the food off. Putting chicken to soak, the greens and the pig feet.. Telling my mother we going to be cooking up a storm to day. God her all excited on board. So I go to get clothes from laundry and pick up a few things. I ended up sitting on my friend's steps as she did her gardening and then a woman who is a poet and professor walked up and I was immersed in a good conversation about her recent visit to Paris.

While I fold laundry I was thinking I am not up to this cooking. When I get home the whole box is gone. I look up and down basement, every where, I call nephew and ask him to call his mother and brother. He says my sister hadnt seen it. (which is either a lie, or she really does not pay any attention to anytghing in the house. including my mother.) So now I go out to buy dinner. Upon returning my nephew shows up, He ask what happens and starts looking for it with his phone light on. (PLease) this is the oldest one who runs the streets. I asked him looking him straight in the eye. I almost believed he was being honest. When I said Karma would take care of it kind of turned back. Then the twisted comes down like she ready for combat while he and I are talking. she has a good way of secret talking so I didnt hear what transpired but it made me laugh inside because when my nephew first started stealing she should have nipped it in the bud. then she and my mother would accuse him of everythging with me protecting him sometimes. If its so this would be the first time I know of him stealing from me. He stole my son's velour sweat suit. Years ago. It was real nice and costly some desiigner his generation is into that. Well I went right to the nephew house and got it back.

I had also notice ice trays and dish detergent missing. I didnt think anytihng of it now I guess he has got a new place to live?!>>>>

Okay, so here is the good part. When I came in my mother was ardently"seasoning" the pigfeet and pig tails. I noted it when I came in, it was funny but I was in shock of where this thing might be. After I searched to no avail, I went to rescue my meats. she had put baking powder in the greens, Lol, I was like what the hell!. My mother was buzzing. going 30miles and hour put all kind of stuff on the meat, I chose to get my chicken wings the freezer and to dump the greens before I reacued the meat. I turned around at the sink just in time to see my mother squeezin hallf the bottle of dish liquid, ajx and palmol. green and yellow. WTF!!! I had to laugh, after I screamed what are you doing. so I washed all the meat and put it ih freezer. I will be ordering another pot this week. some one suggested the nuwav. I will compare.

Now the night before. I couldnt get her away from the door yelling my name. Every one she saw was me. At the gate just yelling and fussing.

Sharyn, sounds like good news on your bro! Great!

Sharyn, you and your brother are in my thoughts and prayers.

Dori, My thoughts and prayers are with you. Its hard to find words to express symptathy and understanding sometimes. We go through so much and watch each other go through so much. Just think of your good moments with her when things get to hard to bare or you get real down. Take it easy and be sure to try and rest. You did your best and seems you got her in hospice just in time. Just flash to those memories, the good ones with her smiling at you, and you smiling back.

My brother is partially responding and he is moving his head and flickering his eyes. They are reducing the coma meds like they did the others. The ventilator was removed and a traq was put put in because of less chance of infection. Its looking good!

in the 70’s here. I love this cooler weather.

Dorianne, my thoughts and prayers are with you. Big Hugs to you!

Oh Dori. Big hugs. You were so good to your mother. She exited peacefully, and with the blessings of her faith.

Find your comfort where you can. And the days when everything is prickly.....well, that’s that. Don’t beat yourself up. See what the next day brings.

Take solace in your music 🎶 🎼🎵

Thinking of you. 💕💕

Dori, I'm sorry. When my Mom was in her short term of Hospice..comfort care, the only goal was to allow her to die, comfortably, it was so odd for me. But with death being the best thing to happen, I did research as to why she was hanging on so long (no liquids, no food, and morphine) I read that many times they won't 'let go' and die, with loved ones in the room. Low and behold, when I left to return to my home to retrieve some items, (and to get away from my Dad for a short while..a whole other story, hence the reason I'm in this Dysfunctional Family group)..but, when I left...she died. It was a blessed relief. I had said goodbye. I had said it was time to go...but she hung on...until I left. So..your Mom was snoring away, and then, when alone..could let go. I hope you are doing OK.

Thinking of you Dori, and hoping you can now get on with your life. You were a great daughter, even when you felt stressed and upset about it.. And I am sure she knew it.

Love to you Dori. Funny how they wait til we leave the room...my mom too. You were a great daughter and stayed true to your word. The best that any of us can do.

Sorry to hear about your mom Dori. They’ll be a bunch of stuff to take care of, but take it easy. Many of us have BEEN THERE DONE THAT. It will get easier soon.

I had been wondering and worrying for you Dorianne, I'm sorry for your loss but glad that this stressful journey will soon be just a memory - try to hold tight to the good parts and let go of all the rest.

(((((((((Hugs))))))))). Get some sleep. Cuddle the kitties.

Gigantic hugs, Dorianne. You did good, our kid. Take special care of yourself.

Dori

it's been a hard year - you can rest now -

if you wake during the night, do a search for KD Lang performing hallelujah