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I'm so sorry Dori. We know this caregiving journey, and also every person's journey, is heading ultimately to death... but it's still so very difficult to experience, such a shock.

It may not feel real for a bit, Dori. I think that's normal. And maybe you'll have your own unique-to-you response to this huge life event. Whatever form the grief process takes for you, I hope you can make peace with all of it. There's nothing more you could have done. You were there, you cared, you gave, you did your best. Your mother is at peace. Whatever fear she felt about dying is no more.

Hugs to you, hugs to your mom. You did great!!
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Dori, I am so sorry. You can now, like Stacy said get back to your music and other things you enjoy, especially your own place. Take care of you whatever means the most to you is what is most important.

Barb, interesting about the 18's, thanks. There are so many Jewish traditions that most of us do not know about.

Just realized the fire was four years ago, today. So.much has happened and so much still seems the same. Brings a bit of frustration with twisteds. Never an offer of any help with anything. Though they sure wanted my help cleaning out mom's house. They were probably thinking that I deserve everything I got. Water under the bridge, what a very strange seven years this has been. Getting ready to settle in somewhere, finally. New home, New life, New challenges.
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Dori, I’m sorry for your loss. You have done an excellent job taking care of your mom. Take your time with service arrangements and take care of yourself.
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Much love to you Dori, my heart and prayers go out to you and for you.
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Dori, so sorry for your loss! You have been an Amazing daughter and Caregiver, having given up so much of your own life, for the care of your Mom. I am so glad her end was peaceful for you both. Rest up now, your Mom is in Heaven and you deserve a good long sleep to be sure! Hospice care can be so draining on your body and spirit too.

I hope now, that you can go forth and get back into the music that you so enjoy, and Make Money at it to boot! Time for you now, you take care of your self! Hugs, Stacey ❤
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(((((((hugs))))) dori. My sympathies on your loss. You have done very well. The timing of the move to hospice was good. Your mum is not suffering any more. Soon now you can look after you.
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Dori, I’m sorry for your loss. It’s been a long, hard journey for both you and your mom. I’m glad that her end was peaceful. Take care of yourself.
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Hugs, Dori. I'm very sorry for your loss. Thinking of you and your family.
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Hey there fellow dysfunction survivors.....I didn't want to make a whole thread for this, just wanted to let you know that Mom passed around 6 this morning. And my last words to her were, "Well, if you're gonna keep snoring, I'm gonna go sleep in the other room."

She had a turn the night before last and become non-responsive, nor would she take anything by mouth. So she was given comfort care and didn't really wake up again. They told me a day, maybe two. I asked my friend the monk to come visit and he brought the priest (Russian Orthodox - mom was baptized RO). I thought it would bring her some comfort, and maybe it did. She's been so afraid of dying. Maybe that's why she felt ok to finally let go after being so sick for so long. Who knows. It was kind of nice, with the singing/chanting.

I stayed overnight on the pullout bed in her hospice room, but she started sawing logs about 4, so I went to sleep in the family room. The nurses woke me a bit after 6, maybe 6:30. It must have been pretty peaceful, she went in her sleep, snoring like nobody's business. Bro was planning to drive up first thing this morning, but I called him right away. He really is too sick to drive 4.5 hours and back, just to say goodbye to a body with no one in it.

Anyway. The build up to this has been so stressful, I feel like I haven't slept in a month. I'm hoping to catch up a bit this weekend.....
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Very cool info Barb! I like to give a small gift and a check. For the last few weddings I have given a nice picture frame and a check. for next wedding coming up I got a Yankee Candle scented "wedding cake" and I will give that with the check. We are currently in wedding season for all my cousins children..
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Good info about the gift and timely for me. I got an invitation to a wedding Jewish couple. Now I know how to write my check.
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That old thing about the wedding gift being the equivalent of the cost....it's no longer the rule. You give what you want. Wedding gifts shouldn't be expected.

In Jewish circles, we write checks in multiples of 18, because the number 18 in the equivalent of the letters of the word "life" (chai) in Hebrew.

So, 18, 36, 54.....
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FIL home alone again for the weekend. His grandson is getting married, ( in a rush so they can qualify for a huge mortgage..LOL) and of course he is NOT invited.. This is the son of the son he lives with,, WTH?? We are also not invited.. didn't expect to be due to the rush, they just got engaged last week... I feel this is very rude, to say the least! So he visited us for a few hours today, hubs took him to get fresh corn. So since they say your wedding gift should equal what the couple pay for your meal, etc... guess what they are getting? And I am very sure we will get an announcement card of some sort down the line..LOL.. OK, I am sure I will send them a check, because I am that way,, but I'll be annoyed when I write it!
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Hello Stacy and welcome. I'm so sorry to read about your mother and what this wicked disease is doing to her.

My suggestion would be a mediator who can work with the family to help organise contact with your mother without antagonising your father - could be a professional, or could be a friend or family member who he respects and will listen to.

I understand how horrified you must be by the way he is behaving; but you have to bear in mind that there is a hierarchy here, and he is your mother's husband, her next of kin, and the person who is travelling with her day by day. Alcoholism would make it worse - "there is no situation, however terrible, which cannot be made worse by alcohol" - but he does have other reasons for being wildly off balance, does he not?

Your siblings, being on the spot and permitted to enter the house, at least, should be able to find out who exactly is on your mother's care team and whether it's time to get reinforcements. Get together all the detail you can so you can see what her needs actually are. At this point in her disease, it may be that take outs and milkshakes are all she can manage. Try to avoid making assumptions.

Flying out there and staying perhaps with a sibling might be no bad thing. But don't do it planning confrontation or hostilities. Do it to be part of the family. You are all in this together.
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Hi, I am new to this forum. I am 50 years old and have been married to my wonderful husband for 28 years. Our children are both in their twenties now. His mother passed away 3 1/2 years ago after a long lung disease. We live near his family and 3000 miles away from mine. 6 years ago my mother was first diagnosed with estrogen positive breast cancer stage 3. Earlier this year my parents found out it spread to her lung, lymph nodes and has malignant liquid in her lung. She cannot do chemo due to a heart condition and so is on Ibrance. My problem is, my father is a functioning alcoholic and has caused terrible dysfunction in the family. He is has told me I am not welcome out there (even though I have gone every year until 2 years ago) and won't even let my younger 2 siblings that do live out there to help much, if at all. We just found out it has spread to her lymph nodes and she has lost 30 pounds - she didn't have 30 pounds to loose. I am my wits end, but my mom doesn't have the energy to fight with him. He doesn't know how to cook, so all she eats is milkshakes and take out. I am just so frustrated and sad and my husband can't believe a family could behave like this, as his family is totally the opposite. We are ready to just fly out there and demand to see her. Any thoughts or advice?
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Talking with my sister last night and she told me she heard on NPR news about research into a muscle relaxer called bacolfen. People are reporting it has stopped alcohol cravings. These people took/ take the drug for muscle spasms. They also are alcoholics. The drug gabapentin apparently does the same thing. Bacolfen is non narcotic which is very good news. Wouldn’t it be amazing to take a non narcotic drug to help alcoholics stop drinking? It’s a drug that has been around for a long time. The biggest reason addiction can happen is because of genetic markers....according to this program my sister listened to.
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Glad, you may like a gallery wall of family pictures to fill up the space.
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Avatar is of doorway to hallway. Probably about a nine foot ceiling. What will I do with all that wall?
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Glad, What is the pix of, I can't quite make it out, is it your new AVATAR?
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Just remembered I took a picture.
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Yes, it is fun to walk through it. First time today I noticed how high the hallway ceiling is, to the two spare bedrooms! Must be nine feet at least. Wide open. Today picked the texture for walls and ceiling. Started to look at appliances, great sales for Labor Day. I am starting to get impatient.

Sharyn, how is your bro doing today. It sounds like he is getting better.

Twisted sisters, Frazzled, brings back unpleasant memories. Sorry you have to go through this.

Golden, take care of yourself. And thinking about it, this will be the first home of MINE that I will live in in about seven years! Four of those with mom, and then the struggling vagabond for the past three years. Such a strange time in my life!

Becky, you will get through it.
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sharyn - good progress for your bro Yay!

becky - you will get through it but I know it is tough.

susan - absolutely let us know how it goes and protect yourself as you need to Mother was a rage-aholic. Finally I learned to hang up or walk away.

glad you must be starting to feel that you have a home. Is it fun walking through it?

frazz -totally understand all your feelings. Your atty said to work it out? He does not have a clue about narcs or guardianship it seems. Could you get a second opinion?!!! Hope the APS is helpful. It is good the facility is supportive.
"essentially, I'm stressing myself out doing hours of unpaid labor for someone that doesn't even appreciate anything I do. I think I have finally realized that."
Good!!! The main thing is that your mum is properly cared for. You do not have to be involved. Sounds like time to step down. From what I have read on here your sis would not have much of a chance to be appointed guardian, but you need to hear that from an elder lawyer.Let us know what APS says and how you are,

Smoky again today, but a little rain later which cleared things up a bit. We don't have it as bad as points south do. Still working on balancing my thyroid. Sleeping better but little energy. There has to be a sweet spot where I can sleep and have some energy too!!!

Take care all! Do something good for you.
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I'm just fed up today, beyond belief. I've been up there with mom 3 separate times this week. Had 2 eye appts and a doctor's appt to take her to this week. She had one of her cataract lenses cleaned with a laser so we had to do the pre-appt then the appt for the actual procedure. Had to take her also to get tested for UTI, which was negative.

Mom asked me when I would be back, I told her Tuesday of next week when she has her follow up eye appt. She was mad that I wouldn't be back sooner. This was the other day that we had this conversation.

So this morning I get a call from the facility that apparently mom called my sister (don't know how she got the #, I guess she must have remembered it), and told my sister that I just put her in that place and never come see her, and said she wanted my sister to come get her.

The manager there said that my sister did call, but they told her they didn't have anyone by mom's name there. They know the story about all that has happened, and even were there during the phone conversation where mom confronted my sis about the theft and abusive and hateful things she did to her when she was living in mom's home. The facility is trying to protect mom too by not letting her leave with anyone but me.

But, here's my anguish, frustration, anger about this whole thing. I have bent over backwards to help mom, and help her recover from everything she went through with my sister. I have not asked for nor am I getting paid, as I know mom can't afford it. Unlike my sister who was taking most of mom's check every month for a salary (couldn't even buy mom clothes) and stole most of her savings, which is why the judge appointed me to be mom's guardian. So essentially, I'm stressing myself out doing hours of unpaid labor for someone that doesn't even appreciate anything I do. I think I have finally realized that.

I called mom's attorney and told him what was going on and that I want to relinquish guardianship. He said that my sister and I are the only two next of kin that could be appointed, and that my sister's atty will try to get her appointed. I don't see how, with an open APS case against her that has been turned over to the DA and a pending judgment for the money she stole, but whatever. I ask if we could request a state appointed guardian. He said he has never dealt with that before, and that I should call the APS worker who filed the case to find out. Surprising, since he is an elder law attorney, but that's what I will do.

He also suggested that I go up there and talk to my mom and try to call my sister to see if we can "talk it out." I'm not doing it. Right now, I don't even want to speak to my mom, and I sure don't want to speak to my sister, who has done nothing but harass me throughout this whole process.

I'm just going to see what I can find out from APS...I've tried and tried to do the right thing and all I get is anguish. Thanks for listening to my vent.
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Sharon, News sounds better about your brother.

Glad, Your house is coming right along! You’ll be decorating and moving in before you know it!!
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DRYWALL! Nearly complete, still need to tape and texture. No outside stucco yet.
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Becky, time to rest now, as I'm sure it's been overwhelming for you these past few days, especially since you are barely over a big surgery yourself. Let the others take the reigns now, and have a few days to just breathe. I hope PJ had a Beautiful sendoff. Still so very sad for you, you take care of your self! Hugs!
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I love this group. I am so happy I found it. Hugs to ALL who need it...I'll be visiting my The Great Santini father on Monday-Wednesday...or Tuesday if I need to escape. I'll let you know how that goes..and if he explodes at me again, Everyone...take care of yourselves.
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Becky, (((Hugs)))!!
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(((Becky))) No words, just hugs. Thinking of you and your family.
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Got thru the funeral and burial. I guess it’s time to settle down into my new reality. Not something I’m looking forward to, but I’ll get thru it.
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