The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

The only update I have is the drs have successfully removed my brother off both sedation meds and are reducing the seizure med while monitoring him. We are hoping by Friday or Saturday they can bring him out of the induced coma.

It is smokey here as well, has been all week.

Glad, yay! Stucco has began.

Some how how I missed posts for Susan and Billsdaugjter. You both have been given good suggestions.

Duck, I agree, you need to be planning for your retirement and a place to live once your mom is gone. Take care of yourself.

susan - welcome, Your story is familiar -the verbal abuse, the need to detach and distance and the need to take care of yourself. I know even at a distance it gets to you. Mother never hugged me either. Thankfully my father did. A good church is a wonderful resource. You must be talented singing in Europe! If dad gets abusive walk out!

glad the stucco has started!!!!! I envy you that great sleep!

duck - "I hate to cause bad blood" YOU are not the one causing bad blood. You have been trained by your dysfun fam to think you are the cause of everything that goes wrong. This handyman is clearly remiss. Don't throw any more good money after bad. If you are concerned about the mold and your health -get a professional opinion as to whether or not it is the toxic type, Not all black molds are toxic. I don't think you can tell by looking at it, Good points have been made about you not spending money on a home you may not be able to stay in once you r mother does.

billsdaughter - your dad is abusive. Probably his behaviour is a mixture of his usual and dementia. My mother has a personality disorder. When the dementia kicked in mother got worse -her negative traits were more exaggerated. Could that be the case with your dad? In any case you have to look after you and only do what you can. Sounds like you have some boundaries. Good! Finding more resources to replace you would be a good idea.

chris - sounds like dementia. Paranoia and accusation are often early signs and hard to take.

sharyn - thinking of you and your brother. Keep us updated as to how he is doing.

stacey - nice to see you posting a bit

Smoke warnings again from the bc fires. Hope the air quality improves soon.

All - look after you. Group (((((((hugs))))

Seconding Barb and Becky.

Duck, I have read your posts about the repairs, etc on the house. You have posted on several occasions that you don’t have adequate income, no retirement, etc. Yet you are constantly purchasing items for the home and making repairs, working on a shed. I agree with Barb, you should not be spending money on this house. You should be saving for your own retirement or future housing needs. You have no guarantee on the disposition of this house. If your sister and nephew inherit, would you even be allowed to continue to live there. Start saving and quit spending.
Make a plan for yourself.

Duck, a more fundamental question: why are you spending money to remodel a home that belongs to your mother? Are you on the title? Do you have a lease?

I assume that when your mom passes, you will be in need of a place to live. Or better, you should be looking for someplace else to live now.

DDDuck, why do you feel obligated to pay in full if the work was not completed and sloppy? To assuage your conscience, then just give half of what's agreed because the job was never completed. Just imagine yourself as a business person. You hired someone to do the work. If that person 'finished' the job, you, the manager of the business looks over the work before paying. If you see what you're seeing now, do you really believe a manager would pay the handyman the full amount?

Send, Thanks! Yikes. Good to know. I will check and see if its dark brown or black. May be why I am so frustrated. The door stays closed. I will definitely get it checked out.

All of these things are so heavy on my mind. I have doctors apt this week which will result in a battery of more appointments. I am feeling burnt out, so soon after getting away from it all.

Is this life........ I sure hope what left of my life gets a hellofa lot better, and happier.
I am grateful because I do have some wonderful people in my life, my son and daughter in law and grands, and then there is this forum. But sometimes it gets lonely, and sad especially since It seems I keep reliving the same theme, ugly sabataoge and continually trying to clear a mist and live right among self absorbed, spiteful selfrigheousness. Any and evey thing I do is an insult to their core and if I dont do anything I feel guilty to my core.

Thanks for baring with my crazy.

Book, Thanks for the advice. Well hear I go again. He lives across the street, I hate to cause bad blood and keep the $500 I owe him and look for someone else. And yes I complained and fussed at the work he did. The extension outside the shed was already low and he just started building under it making it about 2inches less over head. Which means I can stand up under it but its close to my head and I am about 5'7". Not to mention the poor job with the sink. Yes indeed, I have always had bad feelings once I contacted him. I always felt he was taking advantage. Especially after the sink thing where he charge me 185 to change all the pipes to the white new stuff and fix the drain. The sink is still clogged. The thing is that I could possibly get a small lump sum and I mean small and I would be willing to spend a chunk to remodel that entire kitchen bathroom and shed. Anyone with wide hips cant even get in the space where the toilet is.. Oh well, its always something.

Well good news is I ordered this crock pot express. My funds said to wait but I didnt. It will probably be a while before I see my self using it. But I have been wanting collard greens since my sister turned off the gas and bbQ pig feet yum yum. I had packaged to be delivered to store where I pick up breakfast and lunch sometimes.

Chris, having someone accuse you of taking something of theirs is one of the most painful things I experienced with my mother. forget the do something nice thing. The sad part was that my sister and nephew believed her. Thats why we are in a bad place now because of her manipulation. This in the longrun has hurt her care.

Its part of dementia. But I have to say my mother had been doing the accussation thing for as long as I could remember. someone was always doing something to her. When she started accusing my son the first time and only time I nipped it in the bud. Told her dont start that with my son. He is a lot of things but he is not a theif. My poor oldest nephew who was a "bonified" thief, (got caught stealing many times), got it real bad from my mother and sister with their narcissistic ways. I would often stand up for them like he was my son. He was accused of everything under the sun once he got his title.

Sometimes when I look back at that pain I can laugh or see humor in it. I often did, Its a rather cruel humor. Its like when I worked EMS. The humor was sordid but it helped us keep our sanity. It would crack us up this type of humor.

Once when I posted someone told me to try to find some humor, in the situation. Although when happening I couldnt. I would easily jive my mother before she got bad. If she ask me to go to the store I would tell her I need a receipt when I give her her change,

Its amazing, I would give her anything the shirt off my back, burn up all my gas riding her around to find something. run out in the rain to get a sump pump buy her cakes every week. Bring her groceries, cook and clean. While my sister didnt even come by to say hello. But years later she moves in and dont have to pay a cent for anything and dont even have money to give my mother to get dog food when I dropped them to a store. Its amazing.

Have any of you encountered a situation where, your aging relative does something nice for you. Then accuses you of taking something of theirs?

I am not leading up to bipolar disorder.

Bookluvr, thank you for understanding. I have also become very close to my church. Just in last 20 yrs or so. I love it..and love is the operative word. The people are loving, and most seem to be from loving families, where people hug and kiss, and say and show their love, and have real interests in one another I joined the choir..which is so good, we sing at different cathedrals in Europe during the summer. It's hard hard work. And I love it more than anything. My mind has to zero in. And focus. That's why I love math and programming too. My mind has to focus only on the task at hand. I quit my job 6 years ago, to help with the caretaking . I went back for 2 years as a contractor. But..my real point is, I now study those happy vouples and families, and try to learn how it's done. I am warm, huggy with my friends, but all my past relationships were guided by my dysfunctional upbringing. I just didn't know what warmand normal was. I do now .out never had it. And next week I go see my dad for a couple of days, as he needs my help on something. I'll also see my best friend..thank God. I hope I can just be politely silent so as to not ignite his explosive rath again. Thanks for listening

DDDuck, time to forget this 'handyman' who is not really handy. 2 years is a long time, don't you think? I know how difficult it is to find someone to help fix around the house. I have plumbing and electrical issues on this old house. (Oldest bro of next door is an electrician. He can fix/change other people's homes electricals for free but not ours.) Asking relatives is frustrating because it can take months or never (our electrical) for them to come and fix it. I've learned that it's best to just call the professional, pay a high price for the repair .. Get it over and done.

Your handyman doesn't sound reliable. He sounds lazy, slacks off - even when he was paid. I would worry about him doing shortcuts. Or a lousy, poor-piss job of repairs. Do you really want to pay someone who does a lousy job? Call around, google for it and the reviews, call up when you've narrowed it down to 3 businesses.

Susan, you're doing fine being a caregiver from afar.  I grew up with 7 siblings.  I don't ever recall being hugged or praised or encouraged to make something of my life.  When Nana used to visit us, we all scrambled to sit on her lap.  She had no problem touching us with affections.  She was old - with lots of wrinkles... I always thought we had a normal life.  Until in my 20's and met some religious people.  I learned what a 'normal' family is like.  They had no problems saying those 4 letter word of affection.  Love.  I still stumble when saying that word or writing it down.  My niece chuckles when her kids tell me that they love me and I literally stutter trying to say that I love them. 

BillsDaughter, have you researched on options in your area for your father in order to cut back your time dealing with him? It sounds like he's a mean person who enjoys hurting, demeaning people around him. He loves the power of hurting you. My dad used to physically hit me on the head while I was in the middle of changing my mom's pamper. Like all physically abused person, after a while, you become jumpy whenever the abuser makes a sudden movement with his hands. My dad actually showed he enjoyed watching me jump with fear. I could see it in his face. I've learned that it's best to Not show that they've hurt you. No More Crying. You should only do that privacy. No flinching. Try to look back with a calm face - as if it didn't hurt. It's hard. Trust me. My dad would say hurtful things and he would have this watchful look in his face - waiting for me to flinch or strike back in anger... Be very careful. My dad's verbal and physical abuse escalated. One day, he was going to choke me. He approached me with so much anger, his hands stretched out to grab my throat. This time, I just didn't stand there taking it. I poised my body to fight back for my life. He saw my fighting stance, right arm swung back and ready to punch him, both hands clenched in fists. I quickly decided that he's bigger than me, double my weight. (I was only 90 lbs.) I only had one chance to hit him as hard as I could and then RUN out of the house. He stopped when he saw that I was going to fight back.

Two nights in a row I have slept great. Difference? I has been so cool here I have to close the windows, no traffic noise. Throughout my life I have lived on fairly major streets or the furthest about 150 feet away. Major road about 100 feet from my bedroom here. Just noisy places to live.

New house? Not a major street at all. Small subdivision by city standards. Plains views , corn fields, agriculture equipment, just quiet. With AC so can have Windows closed on hot days.

Just FYI ddduck...
I could be wrong, , but it is my understanding that if it is black mold, the shed should be dismantled using hazmat suits, and disposed of by a professional company handling toxic debris. Have an inspection on the home too. In the meantime, stay away from the shed. Very dangerous.
Symptoms of exposure can mimic dementia or mental illness. imo.

He is basically trying to say that the problem is the drain on roof. If its clogged with leaves then the water backs up and enter the shed; I am going to call him again. Tried this afternoon. He usually calls me back because it usually means money. I am so pissed about the mold every time I open that shed. It becomeing a health problem again for me and my mother. My lungs are already damaged with the exposure from the wtc. I am even more sensitive because I am congested and it takes a long time for me to recover. Meanwhile my cough gets worse and its harder to get the phlegm out. So I am highly frustrated because I thought it was fixed and here I go again.

I just learned this morning that my neightbor who is my age had a stroke in December. The news was shocking and sad. Her husband? was sitting in car infront of my house when I came in and I thought it was a man sitting in passenger and when I turned it was the wife? So I went over to speak because we always exchange information about the grands. Her son and my son were best friends until my nephews cames around and my mother started doing ugly stuff when he road past on his bike. It was almost like a feud and one day she and my mohter were at it and I told her I know how my mother is but I am not going to stand by and watch you hit her or harm her. So we didnt speak for years and one day she came to me and said lets put this behind and I was like sure and admired her for being the bigger person. We always spoke but there lack. Her father was a heavy drinkier and over the years if he asked me for a dollar or two in store I would just give it. Until she came to me fussing that I keep giving her father money. I didnt realize the harm I was doing. He later died. Then the mother came down with a poll wrapped in paper once for my mother. Nothing happened but it was not a nice picture. Then once when the kids were small I let them go to a party in the house two doors from these people. When I the lady I am speaking of approached me and said my nephew spat in her son's face. I told her not to worry I would straighten it out. As I rounded the boys up I have my son and nephew looking for the youngest nephew then see him getting beat up by the son. I send them to go break it up. And I tell her mother she should be ashamed of herself for sending the grandson out to get my nephew. she was hanging out the window telling him to kick his **butt. So when I got home my mother is saying she know I stood there and watched it, its my fault in front of the kids. I was baffeled and upset and had no recourse for someone who would believe I would do such a thing. Not only did she do this type of thing often it was with my son also. I didnt know about narcissism. I was young and a little stronger to let my hurt roll off my back and forgive it. And then years later this woman comes to apologize for something my mother started and say lets be friends again and let things go.

I know I wrote a whole book. But this is the jist of all the feeling that went through me. She and her mother used to make these beautiful huge doll houses for some seller and I would admire her work and ask about them. I have never seen any like that since. But they were to me every little girls dream. I always felt that she didnt know it was my mother instigating things and my mother had something negative to say about it like I started it.

I just feel bad for her, then knowing myself how painful it is to be helpless and unable to do the things we are used to doing. I am just so tired of sadness and hurting. Its like I want to make it go away not just for me but for everyone.
Anyway I know she reads, I have seen her exchange books with another friend who lives on the block. All our children played together. The other friend J and I have been close, and still are even after things that were not nice was going on with her. My cousin who just passed was crazy about her for a minute, thank goodness she didnt fall for him LOL he was the worlds #1 womanizer.

I tend to ramble. I am thinking to give her a few books, a card and a plant. I have lots of books, some I havent read and probably won't. I just want to show some report and love. right after I choke the handyman. :)

How am I doing? Horrible! I have been arguing with my dad a lot this week. He has several symptoms of dementia, but I am not convinced that all of his behavior can be attributed to that. My one brother that was helping caretake up and left-told dad he was never coming back-and hasn’t been reachable since. That was 2 months ago. Before I did everything except actually live in the house and cook meals. The brother lived with him until he said he wouldn’t do it anymore, but did cook meals. Now I have home care coming in 5 days a week, 3 nights they cook and the other 4 I do. I still go see him every day except Saturday and Sunday which I save for myself and my husband. I do all his medical appointments, fill his med box, get meds, grocery shop, balance his checkbook that he endlessly messes up, ensure he has what he needs, drive him to whatever store he needs to visit etc. The issue has been he is just so mean and doesn’t care. He makes snide remarks about how I don’t really work hard at my job, has called me stupid, dismisses my anger at a second brother that has been verbally abusive and physically threatening to me for a decade, lies a lot etc. Today he said he would be happy if I just showed up everyday, took care of his needs and kept my mouth shut. When I was crying my eyes out telling him how hurtful he is and how his lack of understanding about the one abusive brother makes me feel he was laughing. I don’t want to be anywhere near him now and he couldn’t care less. I know he has always struggled with showing his emotions and I don’t think this presentation is dementia talking. I don’t have any choice but to continue to care for him, but I am so burnt out and tired of feeling like this about my own father. Rant over and thanks!

Duck, give him a deadline to finish and if he doesn't cut him loose. You can find a more reliable handyman. Maybe find the handyman now, have him finish the work. Then let the other know that you have found someone that will get the work done when you need it. NEVER pay anyone in advance for jobs like this. Always pay by the job, not by the hour. Jobs can linger forever that way.

Becky my thoughts are truly with you during this time of mourning and loss.

Sharyn, My thoughts are with you and your brother.

Glad, I am happy for you that things are coming along in your new home. Sounds exciting and energizing.

One dilemma forgot to mention is the problem with the reconstruction of the back shed. Its off from the kitichen and I ask the guy to fix the problem. It had whole in roof, lot of mold and mildew.. So now after two years and he is still not finished with it. (I made downpayment in november 2years ago.) (I bought cabinets from him that he found some where and paid for hime to put them up. Meanwhile the water spots are seen on the floor in 3areas of the floor not the one adjacent to house. and the mold spots are growing daily along with the smell. When I call he says its from the backup from the drain on roof when it rains. Really. Before I left for my trip he was saying he had to check and see if the drain pipe had a leak. I am really pissed off. I still owe him 500 and I am so tempted to tell him forget it I will find someone else. Only he is my go to person in an emergency. Any suggestions on how to handle this would be great. Last I called he say a little harshly I told you its coming from the drain, did you go up there and check the drain. I say no. Then he asks if I have any more questions.

I was not happy with him before about some work he had done previosuly and I was to fast in giving him the deposit. I appreciate any help.

Welcome susanNH you have come to a great place with lots of ears. Vent and vent away.

Well, house drywall supposed to be finished today. Will check tomorrow. Start of stucco today. Now it seems it is taking so long. Waiting and more waiting.

Becky, I imagine that today is very busy, with funeral arrangements, but I wanted you to know that I am thinking of you, and hope that your family is rallying around you, and being very supportive of one another too! Try to get some rest in here and there, and remember that this part doesn't need to be rushed. If services are put off for a week or more to allow for family and friends, allow that to happen, it's all about the ones left behind, and helping them and you to grieve now, and to celebrate PJ's life.

Don't make any rash decisions in the coming weeks, just take care of yourself and the family. Again, I am so sorry for your loss! Take Care!

The title of this group called me...my family is dysfunctional, but I've always pretended it wasn't. And now IAM the primary caretaker. It's hard. My dad is quite abusive to me, at times. My mom died last year, and she was who I was close to. My family appeared so normal..but we weren't. My parents never touched or hugged me, since I was 5..but yet I still felt comfortable, and a bit too close to my mom. She died last year. I'm now caretaker for my dad..but from afar. I convinced them to move to independent care facility last year. I get no joy..he screams out of the blue at me..gets mad...but then really appreciates me, when he needs me. When he feels his ol self, he's a bit intolerable. So..I've backed off. I couldn't back off when mom was alive as she needed me..she couldn't really be alone. Now it's just dad..who has morals that are questionable, never ever did anything with or for me..except clothe and feed me. My life was good.. materialistically. But I never had a bond with him. That all..just venting. I could sing, 'the cats in the cradle'...that song was very appropriate..my dad has no clue, that we do not have a bond. Oh, he and my mom never touched either..ever...odd...but observers thought we all were a great family.

Sharyn, I hope this latest treatment helps your brother. My uncle was in a medically induced coma for two weeks with pulmonary fibrosis. He came out of it fine. I hope this resolves his problem allowing him to heal and get back to his family.

The drs have put my brother in a medical coma so his brain and body can rest while they reduce the meds every 4-6 hours. This process will take about 3-4 days. I am getting concerned he may not get to wake. I pray these seizures stop as they reduce the meds.

Becky, prayers for healing and comfort. I can only imagine the dept of your loss. L

Becky, I am again so terribly sorry. My husband is 68. He has some heart issues so I can only imagine your tremendous loss. I am dealing with my 88 year old mother with a host of problems and one of my fears is my husband not outliving her. I suppose that could be seen as selfish. It never ceases to amaze me how some are taken from us prematurely and others linger on seemingly forever. I know we are not God. At least I hope you have support around you. May you find peace someday from memories of times you shared.

Thank you all for your kind comments. They mean so much. This has all been so unexpected, just unbelievable. PJ had a complete check up about 7 weeks ago with a clear EKG and cardiac ultrasound. But, his biological father died of a heart attack at 71 and his older half brother died last year at 70 of a heart attack. He was 68. So one never knows.

All of the the family is in shock. His grandsons are devastated. I’ve never seen so many big boys cry. But, his sons and grandsons are being very supportive.

I’m always an insomniac, but this is worse than usual. My mind is going from one thing to another. I guess that’s to be expected.

Hi all as usually I have been off line for a while. I did hear from the paralegal about obtaining a power of attorney. I dont know how to explain it but I am so burnt out with these issues with my mother. Before I came into this forum my life was full of crying about things my mother did. I learned about narcisssim hear, I read things that were referred or mentioned and learned alot about it. Still learning. I know my mother has bred her replacement my sister, by pitting us against each other, and putting her on a pedestal, she and my father let her get away with any and everything.

Realizing, who she is has been depressing. Realizing she is an expert liar. Expert for taking credit, free loading and blaming me fverything is sometimes overwhelming. There is no recourse as she exists in a world where she is always right and freely works up delusions she really beleives to stay on her pedestal.

Deep down I know there is jealousy, and envy. Part of the game. I just really wish it wasnt so. I just wish she was not so swift in convincing people I am the bad person. I dont understand it with my nephews. I watched my mother do the same but I didnt believe her lies, I saw her crazy and I refused to follow her leads. My sister is very pompuus and she is exactly like my mother. she used to hate it when I said it. And way back then I didnt know the true concept behind narcissism. Growing up and even in adulthoodhood therough middle age all I heard, was" its your fault" I have to get out of feeling guilty for everything that goes wrong in any kind of way.

So I dont know where this thing is going to go. Right now I am just hanging on. Trying to keep my self together and I will be going back to a battery of follow-ups on referrals . One is a thyroid scan which I have heard that its not so serious to have abnormal shape. Could this be why I get so wired.
The other issue is I requested medication in therapy. an antidepressant something. I am so tired of being stressed and knowing it and having no control. The therapy helps with my thinking process.

Then I have practically redestroyed my room. The fridge doors are sealed properly. The roaches are gone, gone, gone YaY!!!! That stuff really works. Now the mouse posion I bought was a whole bucket full of the one that does not work.:(. I tried soaking it in some chicken grease I am throwing out.

Not to mention I caught a stomach bug. two weeks ago. Then I get this throat irritation form my client. then the chest cold that followed. So I have been really down. the good thing is that my mother has yet to get sick in the last few years thank God. Her mental status is still good. Same. I am still just concerned of a possible slow bleed as I have no idea if she had a cat scan after being found in the hospital and having mild briusing to her face indicating a fall. I called the doctor and one of the nephews yelled out "Busted" in the hall. I thought he was talking to the cat. But it may have been me. No such thing as being busted when I call the doctor about my concerns. Of course he has to notify my twisted. So who knows what she told them. Wasnt a secret in anyway.

So this is the thing with me. I grew up ashame to tell or speak of things that happened in my house becuase I didnt thing anyone would believe me. When I was in my 40's I considered therapy but still thought a psychiatrist or therapist would feel I was lying about my mother and sister. Now its the same way. What is presented is not what it is. I think there is a lot of resenment for my trip, becuase there was a wake up call. But is there such a thing for a narcissist. Then I feel guilty becuase my sister mops the hall. Well at least on Sunday even if she doesnt have sense to use the chucks on the floor afterwards. Maybee its because I supply them.
I am starting to ramble.
I wish you all rays of love and peace and healing. I am so glad to be able to express my issues.