The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Yay sharyn, So happy for you and him, Prayers that he recover without any complications. Isn't it amazing what medicine does these days?

dori -so glad the transition to your mum's new home went so well. What a blessing!!! Take care this is a rough time.

Surgery was a success. Waiting for my brother to wake up. Thank you!

My brother is in surgery now. They took him in to surgery at 1 am this morning. Prayers appreciated. Thank you.

Duck, you may not have POA but you are an adult living in the same house with your mom and POA sister. (You are, right? Can remember.) If anything were to happen to your mom, both you and your sister may be held liable. I didn't have POA over my dad. But I made sure to contact Adult Protective Service, the elder law lawyer, his medical insurance - trying to find a way to get dad to the ER/doctor for his pneumonia. I made sure to cross my t's and dot my i's in contacting everyone for help. Because if dad had died at home, it would be investigated by the police since he's not under hospice service and he has no up-to-date medical history. I protected myself, despite not having POA, just in case something happened to dad.

You need to do the same for yourself. Just because sis has POA, you log down everything that happened. Keep it SIMPLE and SHORT to the POINT Logsheet. No writing of a novel. In case something happens, you can pull out your logbook and say,

'On this date, I contacted so-and-so (police friend) - mom is missing, no one is home, guessing she left from the upstairs door. Friend says he will get back to me. Never did.

On this date, sis left note that so-and-so is to cover as POA while she's away. So-and-So is not here. Doesn't respond to my call/text...

On this date, I contacted hospital, name So-and-So. Her comment - cannot release info since I have no POA.

Conclusion for today's date: POA sis, POA son - missing in action. Mom disappear. Found in hospital. No one contacts me since I have no POA. Date and sign it.

*keep it simple and do NOT tell any of the POA about this logsheet. Trust me, it will go missing. If you must, pull out your cellphone/tablet, type your notes. When alone in your room, take out the logbook and write it down.

Alternative, open a new email address - to be used only as your caregiving email address. Log in, type out your notes above as it happens - and email it to yourself. The email will have the date and time. This email address will be your proof. Simple. (FYI, I have an email address just for Facebook, another email address just for Agingcare, another email for my iPad, etc... )

Dori, your comment about the staff telling your mom about stopping dialysis.  It reminded me of the time mom's home care nurses and gov't caregivers used to treat my mom. She was bedridden and basically a vegetative state. The home care nurses and the gov't caregivers would come in and greet mom. They would talk about mom to my dad. He would always correct them and say that just because mom doesn't talk or acknowledge them - doesn't mean that she cannot hear and understand them. He told them to be more respectful to mom, their patient. Since then, every time I'm home, I'm just so used to these professionals talking to mom as if she hears and understands them. And when they talk about mom to dad, they chose their words carefully in case mom is listening.

I like how the facility explained to your mom about the dialysis. It shows that they still see your mom as a Person and not just an 'income' for their facility. I'm glad that you found one that still treats their clients/patients with respect.

Dori
as bittersweet as it is, you've done a remarkable thing in moving mom so smoothly

hugs

Hello my fellow dysfunction survivors!

I got mom to hospice after dialysis today. Basically, it went like this. When we were driving away from the hospital, I said, "Do you remember that place you went when I had my respite break?" "Oh yes! I like that place!" "Oh good, because I booked you in again." "Oh! Ok. When?" "Now." "Oh! Ok, I really like that place!"

And she is happy as a pig in sh** right now. Sorry to be crude. She is really happy. She likes it there, she says she liked it even before we decorated it up. (She even got the same room.) Not too much room for decor - mainly lots of cushions and cozy blankets, and a few plants and a small handful of knick-knacks. There's a new electric recliner in the room, and when I got her into it, she started happily playing with all the buttons. It is the kind of chair she can and will sleep in.

She kept thanking me, actually.

The renal social worker said the bed was initally booked as a respite bed, and to tell her that, and then they'd tell her she doesn't have to do dialysis anymore. I don't even know if telling her is necessary - she doesn't have a concept of time anymore, so she might not even notice she's missing anything. I don't know if she will make the connection, but I do know right now, she's pretty happy and content.

The nurse talked to the renal team and was basically told what will happen without dialysis is the potassium will build up in mom's blood stream and she will eventually have a heart attack. Which was kind of a surprise to me.

Fingers crossed that she continues to be happy and content....isn't that what all of us want at the end?

My sister works during the day she leaves about 630 am and returns between 4 and 530pm. I work from 7pm - 7am. I up to get dress and feed my mother about 345 and try to get out by 430pm to pick up my lunch and get train latest 517 to be on time for work. On my days off if I am depressed I sleep late and my schedule is like work. If Im ok I am up around 10 or 11. My days off I am down with my mother I fix breakfast and or dinner and clean and listen to my shows, my mother has cable. I work sunday monday and Tuesday, When I get off wednesday morning I go to therapy. I spend the most time with my mother, I share her bathroom the one on my floor is not together but had a toilet and my sister refused to leave the cat litter box out when I moved back in, Its small . So the cat my mothr and my sister had a bathroom. Now that I have saved a little i will fix it.
Anyway my history with my mother and sister is very similar.

Gosh when I came on here and saw the things people went through, saw I was not alone, I was not happy for the wrongness but I felt some kind of way almost normal.

I dont know what I will find daily. Today my microwave was on the floor and not on top of fridge. One of the two tables I had together was taken down. I know my sisters spirit I always imagine there is some type of spite behind anything of mine that is gone or moved.

When Karma comes its going to kick her A$$%

I used to ask my mother in tears when she would do something vile, like who did she think was going to take care of her. My sister talks to her like a dog. She has never Had to do anything so dealing with my mother for her is a burden she is often very tight and short with her. I have been catering to my mothers every need from a child. I was doing laundry with shopping cart at nine.I was her protector and I turned to God when she said she despised me and havent turned back since. I have always longed for her love. Now I know she wasnt capbale. I have no idea what her pain was but I share my pain , mistakes, loves, thing I learned, experiience, goodtimes, how my family used party and get down. weakness, my everything with my son there are no secrets.
No matter what she did too me I was back for more, bringing her groceries cleaning, scrubbing her tub. Running with my head chopped off to make her events as president of block association or this or the other club while my sister sat on her butt. I often think she resented me because I did everything. But she didn't have to do anything. If she didn't want to wash dishes on her days I had to do it. What ever it was until she did absolutely nothing. I new my mother was mental and I watched my father cover her and I did the same. I would get up early and clean so my father wouldn't have too. to give him a break. He was a teacher and had to drive upstate to work and back and the go to person for his family. bought his grand mother a house and his familybasically treated us like shit. The ones who really loved him embraced us and those two great aunts were like grandparents and I honored them as such. The dysfunction culminates from so many tangents. I know I am messed up. I made a lot of mistakes with my life and I think the love in my heart and my strength in God has saved me from disaster.

Oh here I go again. I can go on and on and on. and I am so tired. I love you all Rays of Love, Light and Peace to all, Good nite. Sleep tight.

dori - it sounds lovely. A friend was in a hospice type room here many years ago. It was comfy, homey, had room for visitors. Great that there is a fold out bed for you. This has to be very hard for you even if you know it is the right thing. (((((hugs)))) and let us know how you and mum are when you can.

duck -the neglect of your mother by your sister is terrible. Please document everything. She has POA and she did not provide proper care for your mother. I think contacting APS and also the SW at the hospital is a good idea. Let it be all about your mother and her care at this point, not about you and your sister

glad - your kitchen sounds amazing -self close doors and slide outs. I want some!!! And exterior work!!

sharyn - thinking of you and also your bro and the waiting list.

book - my sis and her new hub may be two of a kind. I am surprised about what my niece is telling me. But, you know all about greedy relatives, don't you?

We have gone from very hot weather down to 70 degrees, less humidity and and cooler at night. I like it!!!

Woke early so did some reorganizing of my kitchen cupboards, and sorted out the cabinet under the sink finally. I left it to dry out thoroughly after the faucet leaks and the humid weather. I am feeling pretty reasonable today. Hope it lasts. I am still semi fasting and taking probiotics, and it seems to be doing me good. Apparently I am allergic to something in some shampoos - and soaps. This harks back to the evac when my skin got very sensitive - no doubt from the stress. I changed my shampoo and the skin on my neck is fine. Yay!!! Finally!!! I have to wear gloves for cleaning, which I dislike, but it could be worse.

Take care all. Do something good for you!

Duck, are you saying that your mother is generally alone during the day, that your sister works?

How are all of these "escapes" of your mom's not getting noticed by the hospital? Are they going to alert social services that she's a vulnerable, unsupervised person? Is that why you say she's going to be getting a home attendant?

I think in your shoes, I would write to the social work department of the hospital she was in (send it certified) and tell them that while you understand that they cannot give you any information, you feel that your mother is being neglected, is living in squalor and is not eating regularly.

New York is one two states (PA is the other) that does NOT have mandated reporting of elder abuse or neglect. If abuse is reported only 1 out of 24 cases is acted upon.

Duck, Document everything to protect yourself. Don’t run the risk of having your sister and nephew turn things around and put the blame on you.

At least, Duck, make the effort to protect yourself. You work in a medical field, doesn't that make you a mandatory reporter?

Duck, You need to follow Glad’s advice. Your mother cannot be left alone. She needs to be in a facility where she will be properly monitored and cared for. Your sister and nephew are not acting in her best interests. Or, report this situation to APS so that they can investigate.

who does the dog belong to? Someone needs to take care of it as well. The waste in the house is both unsanitary and unhealthy.

Step in now to take care of the situation. Get the proper attention for your mother.

Duck, your mom should not be left alone, ever. I cannot imagine what sis was thinking. I would talk to nephew, or better have the attorney that prepared mom's documents talk with him so he understands his responsibilities. My guess is that sis told nephew she was taking off and he allowed mom to be home alone. She needs to be in a facility. Why is she not in one?

Hang onto that sis note, call APS, have them secure police and hospital records. Mom is not safe in the current living situation and needs more care than what can be provided at home.

At least mom is safe. That is good. You could take her back to the hospital, tell the story, you have many others, that would help speed up the process.

Please bare with my post. sometimes I hit page up or end and do stuff!:)

Well Greetings to all. I hope you are all in good spirit and health. I have a lot to catch up on. But I did notice mention of 107 temps. I had a previous long 'a** s post that I couldnt post realizing I it open from the last time so I logged in again,

I had anotther dilemma but right now I am tired. I typed a whole book about my mother going missing she is home now.

I need honest feedback on my ongoing issues with my sister and her authority with the health proxy. She was away in Atlantic City. left me a note surprisingly also stating the meals on wheel would come on saturday. I guess she took off while I was away and my mother was going upstairs on her floor, not in her room but in the back room on top floor and missed meals.

Long story short after several calls to the hospital the last call I was given to a social worker immediately who after learning my identity said my sister has a health proxy and my mother was to be discharged in his custody.

I waited 5 hours for police to come make report. My nephew is a captain. Now I t know why he could use his connections to expedite a response or alert about my mother missing. then when they find her I text him. The sergeant says the officers are coming to take me to the hospital. I run up stairs to get cab fair and change shoes. then I text my nephew. I am waiting and waiting for offiicer they never show. Meanwhile I call hospital they say my mother is fine and to be discharged. I call nephew he says her is there. I call hospital again to see if he is there and how she is if they are leaving and I get a social worker who asks muy identity then states that my sister has health care proxy and my mother is to be released in his custody. (wow) was that really necessary. so I was like here we go again no wonder the police didnt come get me. Then he didnt answer my text about how is she or anything or calls for their satus. I knew she was okay so I dint want to hop in a cab to turn back around. finally he calls asking me to come down and help him get her out the car she is extremely tired. this was so sad we had to carry my mother in the house she was so sedated. we got her to her feet and she went down on her knees. I couldnt belive the hospital let her go like this, how did they get her in the car. Dang.
When I am leaving for work my nephew the oldest ne came. I said Im leaving and she says where. so I say to work then notice she is rubbing her head saying it hurts a little. I would never had let her leave the hopsital like that. No mental status validation because she was sedated. so I dont know if a cat scan was done because I cant get infor.
I am guessing now that soon she will have a home attendant since my sister had to take off from work to care for her. (my fault!)

I spoke to my friend and prayer partner and he giving me power of attorney over and over. Says to find some way to get it even after she has dementia.
I dont want power I just want myh mother to get whats best. I fought her ugly all my life. yet its hard and painful to what her put in jeopardy over spite and wielding of some finally attained and poor use of authority.

I am open. Hurt my feelings. I dont care. I am back in the stress zone almost in the red. Therapy helps some techniques just come. I didnt cry until they found her and then I could stop my self after the tears built up. But I am angry. I wrote a letter for my sister. she is truly a sick puppy. she refused counselling because we have to see our wrong. so that and mediation is out.Meanwhile my mothers care is based on the understanding of a sick mind.

Also, she got out of the house through the door upstairs. she was the only one who uses it. used it to avoid walking throught the dog pee and waste in the hall. I would hear her come in. she went to atlantic city I guess she was so stress from caring for my mother that she forgot to lock door upstairs when she left. I dont use it and as far as they know I dont have a key.

I was having a hard time posting

Dorianne, I think the plans for your Mom’s room sound pretty. I hope things go smoothly on Monday. Sending good thoughts your way. I know all of this is difficult for you and your mother.

MsMadge.....thanks! Yes, there is a matching chair and couch, which folds out into a queen bed, apparently.

Dori
sounds lovely

will there be a comfy chair for you near her bed ?

It's been between 104 - 107 F here, too. I don't remember it ever getting above 104 when I was a kid. I don't remember there being this much smoke every summer, either. But my town has been totally socked in by smoke, too - we're surrounded by wildfires.

I have totally been having second thoughts and guilty thoughts about putting mom in hospice on Monday. She had a much better day on Friday. I was moping this afternoon about it, but my BFF pointed out that, being with mom constantly, I don't see what everyone else sees, which is a person rapidly going down, with bit of rallying here and there, which is what happens with most people at the end of life.

It's a dumb comparison, but this is how I felt when I euthanized my cat, George. I kept wondering when was the right time, and then from the time I decided until.....months later, I kept wondering if it was too soon. Took me a long time to get over that feeling. Sometimes I'm not sure I ever did.

Anyway. BFF is right, Mom is weak and tired and so, so, so frail, and she's not going to get better no matter how many times she rallies. So. BFF and I are going to go into the hospice and decorate her room while she's at her last dialysis run on Monday. Then I'll take her there after dialysis.

I phoned ahead to ask if I could do it. The woman in charge thought it was a great idea. Then I asked what colour the room is painted. Apparently, purple! "More like a light lavender," the woman nervously told me on the phone. "I can work with purple," I said, thinking furiously. There's not all that much in mom's beige and brown apartment that is going to look nice in a lavender room! Some of the cream coloured things, maybe, and some of the gray things. On the other hand, purple and I have a good relationship. And just about everything I own at home is green, turquoise, or purple. So BFF met me at my apartment today while mom was sleeping, and we gathered up a bunch of my own things (many of which mom gave me over the years). You know, arty things - ceramics and glass mosaic stuff and throw cushions I made myself, some plant containers (bought a couple of plants on the way back here), candleholders (BFF says she has electric tealights)....also my giant PURPLE afghan that my stepgrandma crocheted, like, 50 years ago (apparently to match the CARPET???). And then I'll take some of mom's favourite arty things from her apartment, and her bedding (which is sort of aqua) and her little mosaic bedside table and lamp. I don't have anything I can really hang on the walls without using nails, so I'm taking my portable easel, too - I can take some of the paintings mom did, and change them out every day or two.

It's funny, I know my mom gave up painting around the same time she got diagnosed with kidney disease. But recently I realized she also gave up colour at the same time. I hope I'm not doing the wrong thing. Maybe she doesn't want to be reminded of being an artist.....she always said she was going to get back to painting, but she never did.

Whoa, guys... just had a fire here 1 1/2 miles from town - small town in SD. Thank God we've had tons of rain, and they got it right down....

Aw Send, it was 107 yesterday! It seems California weather followed us, Lol! I’m hoping it cools down soon. Good afternoon.

Sharyn,
Hot, smoke coverage, power outage.......?
For a minute there I thought you were back in California.

Anyway, Good Morning everyone!

Windows! Stucco starting today.

Garage door is in. House locked, I don't have a key yet. :(

Crazy weather. HOT here @ 102 todayand tomorrow with light smoke coverage. Its suppose to cool down over the weekend.

Golden, no more issues with my co-worker. My deli manager had a talk with her too.

We had a short power outage this afternoon for 45 minutes. Happy it was short!

There is is a new drama series starting next month called, A Million Little Things. It’s about a group of close friends who lose one of their group to suicide, how they cope with the questions we all have.

Dori, you are doing great! Everything you are feeling is normal. Be kind to yourself (((Hugs)))!

The nail at the CS zoo had was disasterous. So much damage more than 300 cars totaled in the parking lot, every skylight at the zoo smashed. The pictures of it are unbelievable. Two animals killed, one a rare vulture. Beautiful zoo, think they reopen today. It was quite the mess

The weather very dangerous. Sever thunderstorm warnings nearly daily. And my new car and house? So far so good. Tornados ten days ago much damage to a community where many indigent live.

Cabinet doors I think are silent close too, not sure, must check. Pantry has roll out shelves. Did not check on lower cabinets. A cookie sheet cabinet, had one years ago and loved it!

Glad.... your home is getting closer and closer to being finally done.

I read on the internet news about the latest hail and the Colorado Springs zoo. I have always wondered about that. I always wondered what happens if it hails and the kids are walking home from the bus stop and there's no house close enough to run to.

Golden, I was really hoping that new BIL was going to continue to be a positive influence to your sister. It sounds like she might also be influencing him to her ways, too. Give and take. Too bad.

Frazzled, if you don't want the hassles of family like you're getting now, I totally agree about a state-appointed guardianship. My SIL has a brother who has mental problems (due to over-use of drugs and damaged his brain???). Anyway, she couldn't handle his care physically nor did she want full POA or guardianship over him. He's staying in an institute. The state-appointed has the financial POA. They pay for his care, give him money allowances, etc.. If SIL needs to buy him clothes, she needs to request for extra money. And she gives them the receipts. She is quite happy with this arrangement.

On my last post, I re-read it. It sounded awful. with dark thoughts. Really dark thoughts. I stared at it, surprised. Then I remembered that I was multi-tasking. Reading the ebook, reading AC, and surfing Amazon for free ebooks. I took a brief break from the book because I was getting angry and upset with the fight scenes. I noticed that if I read books with dark tones or negativity, I tend to view life like that, too. That's why I always mention reading light books, funny books.

Glad, Did you get quiet close cabinet doors? Slide out shelves? I got part of my lower cabinets with slide outs. Wish now that I had had all of the lower cabinets slide outs. They are so convenient. I those on my wish if we decide to build a new house in the future.

Golden, Sorry about the issue with your niece and sister. I think dysfunctional family members are the gift that keeps on giving. Little or no contact is sometimes the only answer. I’m sure the smoke from the fires is bad. My grandson played in a basketball tournament in Sacramento last weekend. My son said the air quality was terrible.

We finally had a good soaking rain here today. First time in 2 months. Mostly, we’ve had brief showers.