The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Internet back just in time for my nightly routine, AC, and news.

The house, Windows were supposed to be in last Friday, now this Friday to be delivered. Got kitchen cabinets ordered, add-ons paid for today. Self closing drawers! House has pretty much just sat still for about a month. Oh and checked on how to get internet to the house. All buried utilities there.

Work is crazy lots of weird land development issues following tornado related to floodplain. UGH!

Now need to catch up.

Aaargh glad - no internet sucks

Yesterday I chatted with both my niece and my nephew about the situation my niece is in. They don't communicate, but I thought he ought to know what is happening, Interestingly my sister is now favouring him, having disinherited him years ago. It's all in what is most useful to her. It is bringing back some pretty heavy memories and feelings of bad times I had with my mother and sister over the years, and reinforces my position to keep minimal contact with sis while mother is alive, and after to cut contact.

My niece mentioned that my sister said she had not had any money from our mother yet, by way of part of justifying wanting to sell her house. I said that mother's money is being used, and is to be used, for her care as long as she is alive. That went over like a lead balloon. Who knows what has been said about how I am handling mother's money. I am not impressed with the new bro in law who, along with my sis is walking into the house and not acknowledging my niece. Understandably she is very hurt. Sis has done this to me too, so I understand, A messy situation and I hope niece and her hub come out of it with something. I suggested they submit a bill for 7 years of gardening, housecleaning, cooking and running errands. I don't suppose it would wash in court but...

Smoky here these days from the fires in BC. I woke up with my eyes stinging this morning. However, at least the fires aren't too close to town, though there are a couple of small ones under control. The weather is so weird the fire risk goes up and down.

Lost a post yesterday so trying again.

(((((((dori)))) all your feelings are normal. The one I dislike most is "She is lucky to have you". What about me??? What about you??? You are doing a great job.

frazzled -- I have read on here of people who have given up guardianship. You are in a dreadful situation. With so much dysfunction, a court appointed guardian could be a better answer. You don't need this stress,

julia - not good. I too wonder why bro moved home and if he is carrying his weight in any sense.

book - definitely something lighter!!!

sharyn - how is that troublesome work person?

glad - update on the house???

becky - I am glad you are in a good space

Take care all

Internet down. Have to sit outside, use data on my phone. Just not going to happen. Hate using my phone to access internet! And type? Don't think so. Talk about withdrawal.😟

JuliaRose,, time to move brother back the heck out.. if he is not helping then he is the way! Does he contribute anything? Like money for his food and share of the bills? If not, you are taking care of him also, and that is a no starter for me!
Dori,, hang in there, you are not a bad person, and we all have these thoughts.

Well, the drama continues...I just got a message from mom's attorney that NGrandmother has called this morning pushing the visitation issue again. We already agreed yesterday that mom, sister and I would do a conference call on Friday, or so I thought. Anyway, the attorney is supposed to call me this afternoon to talk more about the conversation with my grandmother.

I was in tears earlier, so angry, frustrated and just tired of it all. I sent mom's attorney a response to that email asking if there is any way a state appointed guardian could oversee mom's affairs. That I have done the best I can, but if it's going to turn into a circus at the behest of mom's family, perhaps an outside third party would be best. Mom throwing tantrums and not wanting to talk to her own attorney does not help.

I have no financial stake in this whatever. My sister is the one who seems to feel that she does. I've been trying to look out for mom, and I hope that a state-appointed guardian would too.

I also brought up in the email that mom was hospitalized 3.5 MONTHS last year (multiple times) due to health and mental health issues while sister lived with her. Sis lived there about 14 months. She has had no hospitalizations this year. Yes, she is in a facility now, and her funds are paying for such, but she has socialization, someone there to make sure she get the correct doses of her meds at the correct times, and distance from all of the drama. I just don't get it. My sister took 30K of mom's savings, and left less than 10K for mom, and has tied the house up in court. Does she or mom's own mother not want mom to have anything left at all with which to get care for herself?

Thank you guys for listening. I'm just fed up. Has anyone else here had to relinquish guardianship or been able to do so?

Dori, I don’t think your feelings are abnormal. I didn’t actively want my mother to die. I didn’t feel much of anything. I didn’t hate my mother like, like some have written about this thread. I wished she been the mother I wanted, but she wasn’t. It’s been well over a year since she died and I have not grieved at all. I don’t think I ever will. I have moved on with my own life and I am in a better place than I’ve ever been.

Yes to all of it, Dori.

I think the hardest for me is to overcome the caregiver's guilt.

… I edited the ending of this... I'm currently reading an action pack fantasy book series. Too much violence, characters dying, betraying, etc... I just need to finish this book and the current last book #5. Then I need to find a happier book. Books should take me away from life's problems, not add to it.

Yes to all of it, Dori. (Sigh)

I wrote a whole paragraph trying to find a less rude way of describing my mom's friends. But no, that one fits. And it's only a couple of them, I swear. Sort of inherited from grandad's circle.

I wonder if I could ask those of you who've been through this - THIS being, I dunno, losing a dysfunctional loved one?

Did you still have mixed feelings about them even when you were in this place, of knowing you're about to lose them? Did you ever have guilt about all those "bad thoughts" about your loved one - even though you know in your gut they were also true thoughts?

Did you ever feel guilty or....ashamed.....when people say what a good daughter/son you are? Because you know you've been fighting with your loved one during their last year of life? Or resenting them, or whatever, any or all of those things that kind of make you think, "good daughters would've let it go and been nicer to their dying parent"?

Do you ever get really mad, in particular, at health professionals who think they understand anything about what you're going through? Like you just know they came from happy families who raised them with love, or they are strong and good parents raising awesome kids, or whatever. And you just want to fire a cannon at them about what a sweet lady your mom really is, or what a good daughter you really are, or what you're really thinking about when they misinterpret your deeply furrowed brow?

If it was your parent......gosh, I even feel guilty writing this out.....did you ever feel both fear and excitement about "finally" being alone on earth? And did you feel guilty about the excitement, about planning for your future without them, or anything like that? I feel like all my mental energy should be focused on mom, like that's normal, even expected, and like I am abnormal. (Well, I AM abnormal.) Fear would be normal, right? And I do feel it. But I'm also really looking forward to closing this chapter in my life, and also being able to cut off some family for good.

And, did you ever feel like you wound up being the one to console the people who thought they were consoling you? This is part of why I haven't called mom's friends, or her sister. Especially her sister, OMG. I'm tired of being the strong, stoic one who takes charge and makes everybody else feel better. My mother, about whom I have mixed feelings EVEN NOW, is dying. I want to have a f***ing tantrum and break some s***, not be supportive of YOUR feelings. (Not meaning "you," anyone here. Just "you," whomever I am talking to in real life.)

I feel guilty for writing all of this. Although some of the more rage-y bits could possibly be attributed to menopause.

Julia
who gave bro permission to move home - dad ?

I am so frustrated! My brother moved back when my father’s health started deteriorating and now lives in our house, but he refuses to do much of anything to help! I’m burnt out and could really use someone to share the tasks because my Dad is completely dependent on assistance and also now Alzheimers. I don’t have to explain how stressful this is. I am his only caregiver. 

About once a week, i will run into my brother when he comes in the side door or in the kitchen at night, but he won’t do anything to care for our father except, if I desperately need to go out for emergency run to the store, he will sit in another room and be there just in case Dad needs help. He also helps lift him in and out of the car when I can’t do it myself. (I am extremely grateful for his help in these circumstances, and he is very gentle and kind regardless of what time it is.) 

When he first moved in, I told him everything and asked if he could taken on specific tasks. He said he didn’t feel comfortable caregiving, and besides, I was doing such a good job. Wtf! No one can do this 24/7! Why the heck did he move home? Im so mad. I have to hire help, and he now wonders how Dad will adjust... but claims he's sorry but can’t help do anything. (I didn’t even ask him.) Hmmm well if you would even just help a little I might not have to hire anyone! Rarrrr! 

I know now I should just let it go... but I’m just so mad tonight.

Dorianne, some of your mother's friends are like "chewing gum on my shoe"? HaHa; how did you manage to be funny when all this is going on? You'll get through this....

Dorianne, my heart goes out too you. I can feel and understand your pain and dilemma.

Each and every time my mother goes though a stage or just does something different it sends me to tears. So i can imagine how difficult it has been to make these past decisions. I can also relate to the turmoil in the house. Just take your time one thing at a time.

Try not to let the stress take over which I find it easy to do. I jlearned from all this anxiety about my trip, being ready, buying the ticket, getting there , getting home was all for nothing. Today I had two small panic attacks just thinking about getting up for work. Its crazy how our mind and body interact. I love my job.

Dorianne, try and let go and know that it will all be okay in the long run. Be strong. I think when these crucial moments come we see who our true friends are, along with the dissappointing feelings of seeing the true colors of our close ones. ((HUG)) Dont forget how stress can make us sick and depressed, try and focus on the fact that you are doing what is best and you can handle it.

I am no way a therapist but I know what thoughts have help me from going deeper into my pain.

Book, thank you. Avion, it is. Anything to kill mice. Just one bite was working but I didnt get my last order. Girlfriend says I should get a cat, I say I cant be feeding a cat and she says I might as well I buy the poison reularlly. (lol)
They are worse than before and I dread them making it upstairs. The mice already have me a nervous wreck.
There are so many places for them to come in. I just noticed the cracks between floor and wall in bathroom on first floor. Not to mention the holes around pipes and floor under kitten sink. this is the main place they come through and I place the poison chunks there and watch it go down daily. Only thing I ran out. It worked pretty good now caught one on glue trap my first nite home and I hear another one running around off and on but havent seen it.

Frazzeled, sorry to hear about these issues with your sister and your mothers family. I got to a point myself where I had to leave it in God's Hand and it work the truth came out and they were dealt with. Only thing I dont think they really realize their wrong.

Karma will come. It may not be when you want it but it will be on time. Meanwhile you have somethings in place and working for your mother. they will trip up somewhere during all these legal processes.

I often look at the court shows and it looks like the judges can see through some perpetrators with no problem. I hope this is the case and justice prevails.

Rays of love peace and happiness to all.

I don't know. I've asked about filing for a restraining order, but they said I would likely have to witness abuse or have documentation for me to get one. That's the problem, is that they want to get mom alone so they can say or do whatever, and then she's calling me telling me about it, and they then say, "Oh, she's just crazy."

My sister's attorney is pushing for the visits right now, and mom's attorney is saying let's start with a phone call and then maybe a face to face visit. But the only way I could probably bar them from going up there if they know where she is, would be to get a restraining order.

So as her guardian do you have to allow unsupervised visits at all, ever?

I did ask mom's attorney earlier if he could be present if there is a face to face meeting between them and mom. I actually would rather not be there. The attorney really didn't give me a straight answer, just recommended the phone call, but I'll definitely bring it up again, and see if he or a court-ordered supervisor could oversee it.

The judge appointed me mom's guardian earlier this year after mom was determined to be mentally incapacitated. My sister and I had originally asked to be co-guardians, until it was discovered that all of this other stuff was going on, the physical abuse and the mismanagement of her money and property. Her property and the monetary judgment are still at issue, however, as well as the issue of visitations. I am of the opinion that any resources mom has need to be used for her care, but my sister and mom's narc family feel differently, unfortunately, and will go to any lengths to rip mom off.

It's just sad because mom thinks now, "Oh, they're asking about me, wanting to see me" and in reality they would have nothing to do with her if weren't for any of this. My sister even told her as much during a phone conversation a few months ago. She said, "When this is all over with, I won't have anything to do with you or sis (me) ever again."

Frazzled, can you ask that any visits be supervised (not by you), at least until after the final guardianship verdict?

I'm stressed out and just need to vent. I am just sick to death of this whole dysfunctional mess. The only reason I'm still in it is to help my mom, although I don't even know how successful I am at that.

I mentioned that the judge entered a judgment on mom's behalf for money that my sister stole from mom's savings while the guardianship proceedings were going on. Technically, her attorney has 60 days to submit additional documentation or the judgment stands.

Also, while this was going on my sister had mom add her to her house deed a day after mom was discharged from the mental hospital last October. Mom said my sister bullied and threatened her into doing this. But mom refuses to talk to her own attorney to tell him this. So anyway, all of this is still on the table.

My sister had brought mom's NPD mother and brother to the hearing last week, and their attorney is now demanding that they be able to see mom. I have expressed concerns about this because I got mom out of a physically abusive situation with my sister, and mom's mother and brother berate mom too and really don't have anything kind to say to her most of the time, never have. Mom's brother is also a physically violent person at times, don't know about toward mom, but definitely toward others in the family. None of them since I have been mom's guardian have asked how mom is doing. They only bring up that "I won't let them see mom" around court time. None of them has ever ASKED to see mom!

Today mom's attorney went up to her facility to visit with her to get a clearer idea of what she wants to do. Mom went berserk and said she didn't want to talk to him. She said, "What's done is done, your sister already did what she did, it's over with." She said she does want to see my sister, but doesn't want my sister to hurt her.

I was on speakerphone when she said this, and I told her attorney that statements like this, along with everything that has happened to mom in the past with her family, are why I have concerns with them being able to come up there and have access to mom. I have not told them which facility she is in for that reason. She is finally able to have some peace from all of the drama, and I hate for her to go back to being afraid again.

I am confident that the only reason they want to see her is because my sister feels she is entitled to mom's house, and they are hoping to coerce, bully, or guilt mom into saying something to get my sister off the hook for the judgment. If none of this were an issue, we wouldn't hear from them.

After mom told her attorney about being scared of sis, she then said she wanted me, my sister, and her to sit down and talk. I do understand she wants her kids now to "make nice and get along" but it's easy for her to say when I'm the one cleaning up this colossal financial mess my sister left her in, with very little savings, and her house tied up, and trying to keep her head above water so she can afford to get the care she needs. Not to mention trying to take care of her physical and mental health too.

I really want to just walk away, but I can't. I distanced myself and my family from mom's NPD family awhile ago because I wanted some peace in my life and for my kids not to have to grow up around the dysfunction. Now I feel like I'm forced to interact with them when I don't want to. My uncle made a veiled threat to my husband after court last week.

I agreed to do a speakerphone call between me, mom and my sister on Friday. Her attorney feels like starting with a phone call would be best. I don't know, my nerves are just shot. She'll be on her best behavior until she gets mom alone, and then that's when things hit the fan, and me left, as usual cleaning it up.

Dori
You are taking all the right steps. Don't worry about others, or things. Rest today, so you can focus on mom. Everything else can wait.

Hugs

Dori, take it one step at a time. You did great in fighting for those services for your mom. Yes, it's a shame that they take the money but don't do the service. Once you no longer need their services, be straight forward when someone mentions them. Bring up both the positive and the negative - so that people know that you're being fair (and not just bitter against the company.)

DDDuck, I'm so glad that you had fun. You deserved to be spoiled. And one day, you will travel again. Use that as a goal whenever you feel like life / caregiving is pulling you down, drowning.

Hey all, another fly-by update. I don't really know where to put these in the forum but I feel at least I belong in this thread.....

I signed the hospice papers Friday. Looks like mom will probably go into hospice August 13. They don't stop dialysis until she's in hospice.

The new seniors' wellness centre, where the home health nurses have their offices, is in a shopping mall. Good location for a seniors' health and wellness clinic. Really weird location to have to go in and fill out hospice paperwork. I had to run out to the car and try not to cry before I slammed the door shut.

Mom is deteriorating rapidly. She's like a trusting little child at this point. She is pretty much bedridden, or couch-ridden. Can't walk, can't transfer herself. Some of the home support workers won't try, even though she can do it with enough assistance. She's barely functional at all, though. I know it must be time. It's just....ugh.

When I first discussed stopping dialysis with bro, he asked if I wanted him to come up. I said yes, of course. I guess I made assumptions.....I thought he was going to come and help me with the transition. No. He's coming for one night, on Thursday this week. I hope he doesn't make me watch more Star Wars. I have Wonder Woman on Blu-Ray now....I might make him watch that instead. Mom read the comics in the 1940s. I did take her when it was in the theatre, but she might enjoy it again.

I haven't told mom's sister or my cousin. I hate them both, I don't want them to come here. I guess I'll have to tell them soon though. I might wait till she's in hospice. I don't want them in mom's apartment under any circumstances. At least once mom is in hospice they'll have no justification for needing to come through the door. They'll have to get a hotel - there's no beds here except mine, and the hospital bed (which will have to go back anyway as it's on loan from the palliative program).

I also haven't told any of her friends in Vancouver. I must do that soon too. I don't want any of them to tell her sister, though, and a couple of them are old gossips who've been attached (like chewing gum on my shoe) to the family since grandad's heyday. So I guess I'm waiting on hospice for that as well.

The apartment has descended into chaos. I have just run out of f***s to give. BFF is coming over Wednesday to help me bring it down to a dull roar at least, before bro comes up. Not sure why I care, but it is pretty out of control.

I'm overwhelmed at the thought of dealing with mom's apartment, and getting my own things back home. I don't have the energy, and with my injury, I don't have the physical ability either. I know I can count on my friends to get my stuff home, at least. (I've been here over a year - I've moved in a lot of personal stuff.) I'm not really sure what I'll do with mom's things. Mom owns the apartment, so I guess I won't have to deal with it right away, anyway.

I do believe the home support agency has learned about my formal complaint to the health authority. Suddenly almost all of our services are back to their regular allocated times (though they're still allowed to tinker with my respite), and the receptionist is just barely civil to me on the phone. Not my problem - we're almost done with them anyway. I do believe the managers are cooking the books, especially from what the workers have told me, and I sincerely hope they get caught. Private businesses taking taxpayer money for services not provided, and leaving seniors neglected, really is the lowest of the low.

I cried nine times on Friday. I had a blistering headache on Saturday. I felt sick today. The headache is creeping back in.

Duck, forget Combat. Order Advion Disks from Amazon.

I know I write books, thanks for bearing with my long posts.

Well my mother sat outside and was really good. I was in and out grocery shopping and picking up a two medium tables similar to card tables. I met up with a few friends who helped with the grill and we had a really nice time.

I was very grateful. I wish I didn't expect the worse all the time. But I know my history and experience lead me to think this way. I have to work on trying not to worry so much.

My cousin, Sham is having a reveal party for her daughter this coming Saturday. I will stop by for support.

Back to work, had to restock and unpack supplies from last month delivery. New delivery is tomorrow so I will be good and busy tomorrow night.

God Bless You All!!
Rays of Love Peace and Happiness to you all.

My heart goes out to all those affected by the fire. I remember some of Golden's post about on going effects during and as a result of these fires.

Ms. Madge, I hope the Viking had a lovely birthday, if I know its out the box but since she is aware of her birthday being near, shoot off some fireworks. I happened to see a pack in store and my son bought them and shot them off for his birthday, it was awesome. Only 15 dollars for a nice show. They are illegal here in NYC.

The last few days of my trip to Korea were just wonderful. Thanks again for helping me get on right track. I was determined to embrace the love and happiness and I did. I almost didn't want to leave. The first two weeks were filled non-stop we went to a resort which is where my son shot fireworks on the beach suncruise resort, shopping trips, zoo and traveled a few hours to reach all. Had fun in the car singing. Made up a song when one hotel we stayed in didn't have wifi. It was the first one we stayed at and where I learned the hotels did not have ice machines. I was done in, as I love ice, and ice water, the the room didn't look anything like the pictures and the DL was getting on her husband, and hoping he didn't tell anyone to go there. He was like its okay. they have a chat line with other families who are stationed in Korea and give tips about just about everything. We ate out so many times and the food was delicious. the first week everytihing I ate shocked my taste buds with goodness. LOL. I love to eat!

My trip back was great. I met a veteran in restaurant in airport and ended up sitting next to him and his wife on flight to las vegas. We had good talk and good time. he was living in Thailand and told me a lot about it when I told him it was supposed to be part of my trip. but due to season the tickets were to high for my son to pay for 5. He plans to go at another time. And if God willing I make it there the next thanksgiving he is planning a trip to JE Ju Island or something like that. Then I met an
American school teacher who has been living in China for 3 years teaching English.

I had 5hour layover in Vegas and took cab to check it out. Its nice I lost then won enough to cover loses and a 21dollar hamburger and drinks, then last half hour at airport I lost a little. It was fun.

Flight to new York was good.

I was so happy to see my mother that when I hugged her I almost started to cry.
It was hard for her to speak a clear sentence but what she said was similar to where was I so long.

The table was down, I guess they didn't know how to set the leg in the bracket. I had been in the market for a while. My convection oven was on its side in front of the sink. The dish rack was off the sink on its side on a storage container and the freezer was filled with ice accumulation. And un eaten meal on wheels were just tossed in. Other wise it was decent. I felt like I would be blamed for a lot expecially the roaches which were building up again when I left. My order for combat and mouse poison I use was lost and I am waiting for a refund. meanwhile the roach situation is bad, worse. A can of raid was in there almost empty.

Looks like my mother had on same thing as when I left. Its hard to get her tobathe and change. The block party was the next day so when she saw the commotion I told her to get dress so I could take her out.

Becky, I’m glad your cousin got out safely! That fire has been a rough one to battle. The Redding fire is the worst (Northern California). My prayers for all the fire fighters everywhere.

Lazy Sunday here, lol!

Sharyn, The fires are terrible. My cousin has been working at a children’s camp near Yosemite. The camp was evacuated Thursday. So her summer job is over 4 weeks early. She had to leave behind everything she could not get in her backpack. But better safe than sorry. She called me last night and said her asthma had been terrible because of the smoke. So sad. Loss of lives, homes, businesses, wildlife, and forests. But better safe than sorry with evacuation.

Haha, a piñata!

Poor California, the fires just don’t end. My childhood camping grounds is now under advisory evacuation due to the Clark Fork fire on highway 108. So sad they cut resources and no controlled burning has been done in years. Fires here in Idaho too. We have had smoke coverage but not as bad as last year so far. I’m hoping we can take a day next month to go to Stanley and McCall when the colors start to change.


Hoping everyone is well and the weekend is restful.

I’m definitely getting a piñata then🤣

Madge, a pinata would be a scream to watch in an Elder care facility but would't it be awful if poor eyesight and secret grudges came out of the woodwork. It might end up becoming a free for all.