The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Thank you CWillie, that is solid advice I will adhere to.

With a mother like mine, I am definitely conscious of my interruption as a visitor.

I do all I can to make myself useful. My DL is a baker and getting a lot of business here making cakes. I wash most if not all of her gadgets, fold clothes, clean cover a lot of the groceries and splurged a lot on dinning out. I try and make my self useful wherever I go even if its for a few minutes.

This last few days, they wont let me pay for anything but I still find a way to contribute.

After venting and getting feedback from you and send, I feel much better and my DL has really not shown any tiredness or shade.

At one point I had a lot of jealousy in my heart for a while. When first one was born her mother stayed with them for months and when she left the aunt and her family came and stayed. So I couldn't see my way there to see my first grand for a while. One time after about six months the whole crew came while I was there. Then of course the grand gravitated to them. It was like I could not have a visit with them to myself. Then later I couldn't afford to visit if I wanted, as I wasn't working. My son flew me down a few times.

I just wanted time to myself to get to know them and for them to get to know me. To do things like I did with my son and nephews while I still can.

Now I also felt better because the oldest told the MiddGRan to apologize. I told her it was nice of her and told her I would probably not say anything and for her not to say anything, I knew deep down that would cause a breach in someway in how far we have come with these past issues.

Two more nights and I will be on my way to a real hell hole.

Thanks for the encouragement and I will not let these incidents spoil my trip. I plan to give my gran a big hug and let her know I love her. (with her bad butt!, lol)

jules - welcome and I think you are right. You deserve some compensation. However, what we see again and again is that promises are made and then broken when it doesn't suit some family members to keep them. I am so sorry you are experiencing this and their greed at what they want for selling you the car.

sharyn -some of the photos I have seen of those fires are remind me of here 2 years ago. The damage is horrendous.Your grands are soooo cute!!! Such a good move to be close to them. Hope the manager has dealt with that nosy lady. She is the last aggravation you need. Not her business! Drama queen!!!

glad - Yay furnace!!! I am glad we don't have goat heads here.

duck - chill!!! as others have said - long visits can bring tensions, and kids will be kids. The girls are heading into some tricky times age wise and it will probably get worse. From the way you were writing at first I thought you were back home already.

Finally the new faucet arrived and it got installed this afternoon. The hose on the old one was decomposing or something. Gone are the days when you could fix your faucet with a new washer! Finally the skin allergies/rashes have calmed down and my gut too. Since last week I have no interest in eating meat, which is very unusual for me. Veggies, fruits and a few grains and nuts are working well.

Had a good chat with dd who seems to have a better handle on what I go through with the CFS/FM. I said I had talked with one of her bros and he is willing to help with POA stuff. I don't want to saddle anyone of my kids with what I, at my age, have been saddled with. Someone in their generation should have been appointed with me as co POA. No one knows what health issues they will develop as they age. Their dad was a bit younger than me and he is gone already as of a few years ago. Mind you, for much of his life, he did not have a healthy lifestyle. Their grandma on that side lived into her 90s, but had AD for about 20 years. I don't want to appoint a POA who will get dementia while I am still alive! Maybe the grands should be involved at some point. Aaargh, the problems of a long lived family! Of course, I may not live that long. It is a cr*p shoot. Need to talk to middle son as well, but he seems to have cut himself off from the rest of us largely. I can't worry about it - his choices for his reasons and he is entitled to them.

I think I am gearing up for another major sort, sell and toss session. I know I need to. Dd has a friend who is going through a break up and could use some cash, so she may be able to help with cleaning and more.

Yesterday evening I went for a walk down the freshly mowed back corridors between the houses here. It is a well established neighbourhood, so gardens are developed and trees are mature. It was so peaceful and the smell of the newly cut grass was delicious! Must go out again and see if anyone has any raspberries peeking through their fence,

Take care all - get yourself a treat!

Duck, Twelve year old girls are sometimes a pain the butt. Plus your grandchildren are the products of their environments. If you’ve had issues with DIL that might be involved as well. I may be too indulgent, but I tend to not comment on my grandchildren’s behavior unless it is dangerous, totally wrong, immoral or completely disrespectful. I’m not their parent and I’m not willing to give up the limited time I have with my grands to play behavior police. I have a 12 yr old grandson whose middle name could be prankster. My 10 yr old granddaughter can be a smart mouth sometimes.

DDuck, she's 12, pre-teen, a Girl, they are All Brats at this age, especially if it is something that she thinks will get your goat! Let her silly antics go, she's finally getting comfortable with you and thinks these little pranks are funny. It's also summertime and she's getting bored, and as the eldest, having to always be looking out for the youngin. She probably doesn't even remember being bratty to you from previous visits.

My 9 year old Grandson Love to prank me and scare me, but he is doing it in fun and not maliciously in any way. I'll bet she is just getting comfortable with you and is getting a rile out of you. Just laugh it off, or her "pranks" will only get bigger and bigger. Just breathe and laugh it off.

Thanks Book. This girl thinks she is a savior. She literally followed me around the department pressing me to talk with her about my niece. She’s an expert in everything. Now all the work I’ve done to move through my nieces suicide, has been brought back to the surface. Next step will be to go to the store manager.

I have decided to keep my mouth shut. Let it go. My little AMy was up and down the stairs all night. I hope it was the right thing to do. I don't think kids are chastised and corrected like I was back in the day. I would role my eyes or say something smart out ear and eye shot. lol.

On my job, a lot of young nurses usally late 20;s or mid thirties come and go. I notice with a lot of them a lack of boundaries and respect. One of the day nurses had an issue with the mother and wouldn't speak to her and disrespected her terribly. I was like how can you walk in someones house don't speak to them and disrespect them. I tried to give her advice and guidance but that girl was off the chain. I think its being spoiled or to put it simply my experience is that people that are like that are spoiled. My summation comes from my mother, my sister, my aunt. all self centered, vindictive, spiteful, jealous, hateful. You would not believe the things this aunt my mothers baby sister has done to her niece, Sham she used to curse out my grandmother, visits her dear demented sister maybe once yearly been over a year now. Had the nerve to tell me my tears at my grandmother's funeral were from guilt and called me all kinds of bi$$$chs
when she told me my mother didn't have dementia a few years back and I told her What you think, you the guru on aging matters now. I deleted her number sent it where I sent my sisters. I see her I speak we hug. That's it. I have learned a little something. I never had a problem dropping a person once the benefit of the doubt runs out which takes me forever. But then its a wrap.

Dang, this is life. I hope it gets better somewhere down the line. I worry about my mother, Ive lost her in a sense already, now I even miss that shell and the nice lady in it. She is my every thought when I wake up. What are we going to eat, what can I fix that she will eat. Ways to give her excitement, interest that I can handle. I cant walk with her. would love to but my mind is too busy to monitor out side. Every time I leave the house I am on a mission, not leisure. When I get back its wash clean cook feed. I gave my music system to my son because I couldn't play music at my mothers. I would be on the phone and she would come up stairs and yell at my door that she hears me.

I am sought of forgetting that mother because this one is so sweet most time even if she is difficult and makes a holy mess. But when issues come up like today. all this sh##$ in one day, I feel like the way I have been emotionally mentallyand sometimes physically treated has embedded this kick me I am a fool look and actions even if it not so inside and then I get the high hot head 0 - 100 anger and frustration. so good at hiding fear and pain and anger but tha wall is slowly crumbling.

I played this virtually reality game. Scary as all get out. The first highlight I screamed but it was cool. A young man came over last night and played it. He screamed and yelped and everytime he did the girls screamed too. It was a sight to see.

Well my friend M, whom we would have made a lovely couple except his crazy messed with my crazy sent me a text thanking me about something and stating I would not believe what he did. I am excited hoping it was something great because he was a good man.

Anyways everyone is asleep. I am up posting. Hoping to sleep a little late. My days get boring if we don't have an itinerary. Got plan for Wednesday, woman will supposedly get my zippers fixed on purse. I am not happy but its better than nothing.


Rays of love and light to you all.

Duck, I think a little bit of family tension is normal when relatives come for extended visits, even when you love those relatives and welcome them as guests in your home you are having to make accommodations to your life and routine while they are there. You have a raw spot on your heart from the way you have been treated by your mother and sister so any spoken or implied rejection causes you pain, but don't assume the worst of your DIL and granddaughter.

Wow Send! Thanks.
I have so much to say about that subject. what made my trip so nice was that I thought these issues were out grown. I thought time heals all wounds.:) she called me and said I'm sorry when she was pregnant with this lil emp who locked the door. I said for what not really thinking as I walking home. I realized when she didn't or couldn't really answer.

One time when the oldest was about three she came and pulled the covers off me and said I had to go. So being raised with that mentality is embedded. Not only does it hurt me but it hurts her in the long run already evident in her social life as it is.

Maybe I will try and find one of those forums.

Bookluvr, "Wish Karma", I love it!!! You are absolutely right. I couldn't have said it better.

And,!! May I add don't feel bad when the karma hits because you have nothing to do with it.

WTF!!! Now she bring down my scarf that was on the coat hanger by the door.

A few mornings ago she was putting toothpaste (a lot) for two mornings I had to put it up higher in the cabinet. So when I did that the next morning I find my castile and shower gel containers missing frm the shower shelf. Yesterday when she woke I asked her about it, she denied it, when I bought it up infront of everyone she says let me go check.

I hate to wonder if she inherited that spiteful, vindictive spirit form my mother. I hate to wonder if I draw this type of behavior.

Geez!! Sneez!!! Maybe I need a lobotomy.

Jules, don't count on it. It happened both times when my mom and then my dad 5 years later passed away. The funeral. And my 7 siblings... .I think you deserve the car BUT nothing was put in writing. Your nieces are greedy. Don't pay for the car. The nerve of them... But I'm not shocked. It's happened to me. And others. Accept. Wish karma on them. And walk away.

Sharyn, looks like your coworker is trying to get you fired. Best to watch your back and keep a check on that temper. Keep losing it, and you will end up looking bad to management. Avoid her. No more talking about health issues at work. Tell hubby that it's time to keep personal & your work life separately. No friendly chitchats, etc... And avoid her. Yes, yes, I did say that before.

DDDuck,
Take a deep breath, you are ok.
Grandmothers with daughters-in-laws need a special suit of armor these days just to survive a short visit.
Sorry your feelings are hurt, and your family is acting poorly towards you, like schoolyard bullies. It is their ages, call it the age of disrespect.
You are not alone in this experience, there are actually support groups for grieving grandparents trying to figure out 'wha happened?'.
If I understand correctly, one was liking to be with you, until the other stopped her from going outside with you. It does not matter what they said, you know one likes you. Put aside your concerns over who said what, and just stand tall, as the mother of your son.
You can go to a hotel, or cut your visit short, but with silence and a smile.
Don't bother to try getting to the bottom of this, it's them, not you.
So many grandmothers are understanding you today.

Okay, thanks for bearing with me. I have vented. I think I mentioned me teaching her the "Our Father" Prayer. So I told her in that prayer we ask God to forgive us as we forgive others. We had just had one of those special talks last night. So I told her I forgive her like in the prayer. but I would still tell her parents.

Later that day when we went out she slid open the deck door at front near where we were sitting. I say dang I wish you had thought of that when we were locked out. Now the enemy had me thinking the oldest heard us ringing the bell but deep down I could see her with headphones with door closed. she didn't have a clue.

So of course the deck door is now locked so I went to the exercise room past the small garden with spider webs all over the pine tree and low and behold the door was open.

she had put the lock on the door! Its only on when everyone is to bed. She could have done that and we all could have been sleep when the parents got home and been locked out. I went up asked then knew the who did it and pulled off covers and popped her good on her thigh. The oldest was like they didn't hear bell I believe her and I will hold on to that because I need to.

the middle one cried and cried and then came down being fresh and smart, then came down and said her mother said bla bla.

now she is saying she is sorry. I think she knows her wrong. Would it be irresponsible and wrong for me not to tell her parent.

I hope someone is up and about. I just had a situation with my granddaughter. I was going to go into detail about past issues, history in my relationship with dl and oldest grand. The are remenents of issues with oldest grand. That hurt, and have given me tearful moments. I wanted to vent these upon my return home. The middle child and I, we mesh lovely. Sometimes in past she follows her sister in making fun or being devious with me.

This has gotten so much better. and I was so thankful in the changes in attitude in both daughter in law and the girls.

Today as I sat watching their cartoons, relaxing, no wig. Finally not being self conscious of my hair. I wear a wig because of bald areas at the temples. I will put my wig on just to get the mail. I don't hide from anyone who knows me well or who used to come by to visit a lot. Anyways the middle grand comes with the phone with the other grandmother on video shocking me as I was indulged with movie. The other grandmother could barely hold her laughter. I was cool and smiling and spoke a bit but deep down I wanted to say whats funny. She was tiickeled.

I was embarrassed to say the least and after awhile I went out for a smoke and a prayer and prayed that these negative thoughts and low self esteem would go away. I felt better. And got over it.

Tonight my son and his wife went to a concert. Here I am expecting issues as I have at times been unable to refrain from reminding her that she is still a child. 12yrs. Especially when she is disrespectful or out of place with her father. I have to say your father said this or that and that's it. She will sometimes challenge him and her mother and they allow it and I keep my mouth shut but a few times had to say something.
I think it becomes a big problem when an adult put a child in adult matters and I see this a lot and I don't like it.My son had issues when he returned from Iraq as far as respect from this oldest one. I have posted on this a few times maybe in another forum.
Now the youngest one just as I am posting says "Grandma, do you know what my mommy said to me?" I said what. and she said "she said not to listen to me."

I haven't even gotten to the gist of my post. since I have been her the middle one runs out with me everytime I go out to smoke. We exercise everyday riding the bike she on the scooter.
Right after they left jwhen I went out the sister stopped her from running behind me. and she stopped chasing behind after that when I went out, beggingto go exercise. All day and everyday Ihave had to tell her to wait till it cools down and I was wondering what the sister said to her to make her stop.
One visit long ago when the oldest was just maybe 5 or so. the oldest said to me My mommy said she will be glad when you leave and you know what I will be too.
Why am I writing this.....
Anyway the gist of this post is that I went out to have a smoke, the girls had gone up stairs and all three were in the parents bed. I had gone up and checked they were good, I told them to be cool and get to playing so hard and hurt themselves as they wild out. they were cool.

I come down set my movie to stream on chromcast and fix my cocktail. Then went out for a smoke. I came back to light a citroma candle and the middle one had spilt milk I gave her a cloth to clean it and as she was going upstair I went out to smoke. I only take a few puffs especially with the bugs and the candle turned out to be just plain wax. When I use card to get in the door is locked and the computer is saying something but it want open. I am thinking maybe the card was disarmed. Kept trying.

Now two days ago, we went out for our ride after the mother went to deliver a cake. That day it was hot. We worked up a good sweat and when it came time to go in I had left the card. the oldest was upstair with the baby. We kept ringing and ringing no answere so we sat out for about 40 mins. After that everytime we went out MidGrandwould say grandma do you have the key. LOL

There is a furnace and I pulled a few goatheads.

Yes, California seems to be an inferno again. So sad. They really need to go back to controlled burning in the forests. At least there has been an arrest for the Riverside fires in So cal.

We we had the boys yesterday while dd worked. E found ,y cross body purse on the breakfast bar. He hung it on his shoulder walked over to his brother saying, I am the mom and I’m going to work now. He gives his brother a hug and a kiss and walks away. A few minutes later he walks through the kitchen saying, mom is home from work and gives his brother a hug and kiss, lol! He repeated it about 3 times. Hubs and I laughed because he was so darn cute!

dd told me a busy body co worker was inquiring about my health. This co worker had also asked me earlier in the week. I texted her saying you are violating hippa privacy laws when you inquire about a co workers health from another co worker. It’s illegal and I want it stopped. when I got to work today, she was waiting for me (her day off). She started back tracking about her questions. She actually insinuate to my dd that I had Alzheimer’s. Then she was pushing me to talk with her about my niece. Man I blew!! I yelled at her, I was so furious. I really wanted to slugged her in the face. Our manager didn’t know what to do. I showed her my text to her where she said she ( the manager) was concerned about me.

Can you believe this girl! My thoughts are she thrives on drama and when she has none, she creates it.

No, Jules I think the car as payment for the care is fair. However, you should have made a payment arrangement with sis. You could try billing the estate. Probably will not work but maybe get the daughters thinking.

Early in April, my sister called to let me know she had just been diagnosed with stage 4 esophageal cancer that had metastasized to her liver. Despite her having written me out of her life five years ago for what was basically a trivial matter, I told her I would be willing to come look after her until she could make more permanent arrangements. She assured me she had plenty of friends who were willing to help out. A week later she called and asked me to come down and help her out. She didn't offer to pay my way down there. So, I forked overthe $78 for train fare, the cheapest way I could find. Plus the $50 for the cab ride out to her house.

She was undergoing chemo-therapy (8 hours every Monday) and radiation M-F, so my job was to take her to all her appointments, pick up her prescriptions, run all her errands, pick up around the house, wash the dishes, which, since she couldn't eat anything, were just mine, and just be there for her 24/7. I received no remuneration and even had to pay for my own food.

After I had been there a month and a half, during which time she got weaker, I finally told her two daughters, (who, once I showed up, no longer bothered to come see their mother except on Mother's Day, when they spent most of their time visiting each other) that their mother was getting weaker and she was going to need a permanent care solution soon. When nothing had been done on that front by two weeks later, I told them that I was planning to leave on July 31 and they needed to find her some sort of rehab facility where she would have 24-hour care by that time. They planned to come back to New Orleans on July 12th and tour some facilities. As it turned out, she went into the hospital on June 28 and died on July 6. I called them on July 3rd and told them they needed to get down to NOLA ASAP. That their mother had become unresponsive and was definitely going to die.

The two girls inherited everything, including a 7-year-old car, a condo, and a great deal of money. When I asked them what they were planning to do with the car, which is 8 years newer than mine and in a lot better shape, with more than double the miles-per-gallon of mine, and they said sell it, I asked if they would consider letting me have it. They said yes, I could have the car as soon as they made their final trip to NOLA.

Well, they have reneged on their promise and will SELL me the car for $10,000 (although the Blue Book value is, at it's highest, around $7400.00. They say they can't possibly "give it away". I consider it payment for services rendered. Am I wrong?

Gavianna - here's a link to your post,.

https://www.agingcare.com/questions/my-motherage-89-needs-to-update-her-willsince-her-husbandour-dad-passed-in-apr2018and-a-daughter-sib-441466.htm

Your mother sounds manipulative and probably enjoys jerking your chain and getting you centered on her indecision about her will. You can't make her do anything, Sometimes a person outside the family can influence a senior to take that kind of action. Meanwhile you need to detach yourself from her problem and focus on your own life. It's not your circus! You need to look after you,

Glad - taking it easy, thx. Seems to me the house is moving fast,

becky - Thx, yes. Glad you are having a good time,

duck - I am happy you have received help here. That is what it is for.

sharyn - you are sad about the devastation by the fires, I know. Some pics reminded me much of here 2 years ago. Horrible. Prayers for all.

Ms Madge, Red Shoe was nice. Sisters were not there. Food was good. PJ had steak sandwich with grilled veggies and I had my usual cheeseburger which was very good. PJ thought the local beers were good. It was very crowded. Typical for seasonal businesses. Crowded with tourists. Thanks for the recommendation.

overall it’s been a good vacation week. Now I have to go home and get rested up.

Golden, Very nice photo of your son. I’m sure this is a difficult time for you. I know the worry over your mother is difficult.

Glad, House is coming right along.

I have not caught up on posts I missed a lot of them. I just scanned through a few recents so please forgive me anyone whose tribulation I have not acknowledged. Its hard for me to keep up even when I am on frequently.

I did notice a query about JesseBelle. I asked also. I miss her. She was one of the first people who shocked me with the same issues. It was almost like a mirror of issues.

I did see a few post from her in the spirit of bullying and clicks which is a reality on this forum. I realize this forum is like the real world, real community.

I almost begged her not to leave out of frustration and not let certain modes of operation which can be quite obvious stop her from posting. I mean, there are so many more to come her and reach out and need to experience and see that their inner hearts and thoughts are not isolated. It encouraged me to see someone with a similar issue surviving and maintining and sharing. It helped. She was opening her heart sharing her pain and concerns and giving awesome advice and support. Life is not fair a lot of the times, but then what is fair.

I came on board here, not for likes, or to be accepted, or bullied. I came here because I needed help, I reached out and my goodness, the feedback from this forum saved my sanity, helped mend my broken heart and spirit. Its people like that and seeing the same working for and from others that keeps me loving this site.

I also miss the Captain, he was off the chain and bought a very special humor with his posts. I see some posters come and go and my heart lights up when I see that same spirit giving to someone else.

This forum helped me through a major crossroad in my life. Many of you have no idea how your strentgths, pain, happiness and sharing has helped me on so many levels; has helped me anticipate and perceive a future issue and helped me realize and deal with an event that came later. I am and always be greatful for this forum

I just find I cant handle posting on more than one and keeping up, sometimes I can barely manage my life and personal issues. But the spirit touches and sticks like glue.

Its so hot and humid here. I just did a few rounds on the bike. Knee and hip pain gets better and I haven't had leg spasms for a good minute (knockonwood!!!!!)

I also found chrysanthium tea. Which has good benefits. When I get home I am going to get some more cardomon. Its good for depression, arthritis and lots of other benefits. I used to use it in my tea. Just a tiny sprinkle then I started to use in bbq sauce. I don't know how long its shelf life is but I had it in cabinet for many years and finally threw it out.

Love and peace to you a



Much love to all. And Jessie and Captain if by any chance you happen to see this I miss you both and wish you the best.

Golden, just try to take it easy.

The house? Hmmm. It is kind of a stand still from appearance standpoint. They have been working on electric and plumbing. Windows are due in the end of the week. So, in a couple of weeks windows should be installed then work on the inside, then it will start going fast again.

Please read the post,under financial planning by Gavianna ,on July 28,2018 on her mom,88 who needs to re write her will and we have a dysfunctional family....help,please.Please reply here or under her financial planning post.The word dysfunctional family is spot on,but i omitted the word in the post.Thank you,very much.

Another accidental repost - don't know what happened.

Thx madge. He was a good looking young man though he didn't know it.

thx duck - enjoy your family while you can.

accidental repost -wish there was a delete button

,

Well I just lost my last comment.

Golden my heart goes out to you.

I am trying to soak up as much love and happiness and peace as I can.

Hope you all are well.

Rays of peace, love and happiness to all.