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Hi all.Thanks Mally 1. Becky I am wishing you God Speed in your healing. You have been through so much. I admire your strentgh, loyalty and preseverance.
Sharyn, I am so happy for your brother getting a transplant. I think more and more people are becoming organ donors. And I know that the transplant list is long. I wish you both the best.

Golden I am always thinking of you when I am not on line.

Everyone I miss you all and forgive me if I didnt shout out personnally. I havent caught up I just read this last page. I am training a nurse tonight so my time is limited. I am going to Korea God Willing in 2 days and my anxiety level is a 10. Once I am there I may have time to share, as I will be at leisure, especially when the grands get over my newness! LoL.

Anyways I miss you all and have much love in my heart for you all. Believe me all, your names stay in my heart. So many of you have touched my life deeply with simple words, honesty and understanding. I am still growing in my dilemas but I feel a little be stronger.

Rays of light, love and peace to you all.
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Sharyn, only the best thoughts for your brother.
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Sharyn...so happy your brother is getting a transplant. Many thoughts and prayers. Please keep us posted and us know how he and you are doing.
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Sharyn
Rather than worrying tonight try to spend even a minute before you go
to sleep imagining your brother well and recovered after the transplant

What is his favorite pastime? See him doing it - hear him tell you how good he feels - feel the smile on your face - even the tears on your cheeks

Rest well
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Sharyn, It is so good your brother is getting his transplant. I hope that all goes as planned. I think your feelings are normal regarding the donor. Take good care of yourself. You have had a lot of worrying to do about other people.
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Sharyn,
Of course you will get prayers all along, for you and brother.

It would be perfectly normal if you were beside yourself.

Many hugs!
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This past month has been hard and I forget things because I’m not concentrating well.

I do have news...my brother is at Stanford waiting his transplant, probably tomorrow. I’m nervous for him yet bittersweet if that makes sense (regarding the donor).

Prayers, positive thoughts are appreciated.
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Tweaked my back bad on Sunday pulling weeds. Went to the chiropractor (mom always thought they were quacks) four times this week. Am moving and feeling much better. On Monday after work stopped to see if he could get my back to adjust, Monday morning nothing would move, and in walk two teenage girls with four younger sibs. They had just come from the pool obviously, still in wet suits and tank top cover-up it too wet, for an adjustment. Chiropractor nice looking 30ish, muscular. Am I just a prud or would you think as I did "how completely inappropriate!" Just had to share that little tidbit.

Needed to go to pick up milk. Usually buy 2% but decided to buy 1% this time. Got up about 11pm for my midnight snack of half peanut butter Sammy and milk. At first I thought that the milk had curdled, it poured so thick. Then realised that I bought buttermilk accidentally. What a surprise that would have been if I hadn't noticed before taking a gulp! Why is the color of the buttermilk label and cap the same as 1% milk?! Now I will have to go to the store again. Buttermilk, not so bad, I used to drink it once in awhile as a kid. We always had it in the fridge for a cleaning woman that would come to mom's a couple times a month.

Those two things just on my mind while I deal with a bit of insomnia. I have been sleeping much better the past couple of weeks, except for the back pain a couple nights this week and of course the 4th. Obnoxious neighbors were blowing off obviously illegal fireworks until 4:00 am yesterday. Quiet tonight though. Now try to get to sleep. 🌛
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Thanks, CM, Mally and Dori! I hope everyone had a pleasant 4th. We had the boys for the afternoon. They played in the wadding pool, had some safe, age appropriate poppers...the type with a pull string with confetti. It was noisy but people here don’t carry it on til 3 am. The benefit of a very small community.
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Duck, Thank for the good thoughts. I need all I can get. I’m so happy you’re getting to go visit your son. I know you were looking forward to that.
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(((((Sharyn)))))

Just a quick post on my way to bed to report: I think mom's new bedroom TV is turning out to be the ticket to my sanity after all! Three evenings in a row, I've had the main living area all to myself (and friends, one of those nights). Woooo! I should've done this a year ago!
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Duck, good to hear from you; thought you fell in a hole!

Sharyn, Can't imagine how hard that is on everyone; you have to wonder what the person who does it is thinking? Years ago I tried it; I used to have what I call "black depressions", when I couldn't even call someone to talk to; couldn't think of a soul in the world to call.... The Lord saved me with a miracle; someone who hated me found and took me to the hospital; said he had no idea why he did it (but I do). The feeling at the time was of no hope; guess she felt the same way.
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Thanks Glad. I am sad my sister is so tortured. I do understand why. Losing a child should never happen. My perspective about my niece, I believe her drinking is not just something started this last year. A fifth a day and more is something I would think has been built up to over time. It is all just so heart breaking.
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Ali, boundaries and sticking to them may solve your issues.

Sharyn, I certainly understand the difficulties the family is having. My dad's mom always told me to never have one child. Dad's passing by suicide was very, very hard on her. Our children are not supposed to pass before us.

Good to see you Duck. Enjoy your vacation and visit with your son. He is overseas right? Korea maybe?
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HI to all. I have missed you all. Just been busy with life and trials and tribulations. Same old s&^t just different days.

I am just checking in to say hi and wish you all a Happy Holiday.

I wish you rays of light love happiness and peace as you struggle with the day to day issues that come your way.

I have been busy, still an emotional and mental wreck. Still same saga. Today I left for work later and heard my sister telling my mother not to come up stairs with her and why is she comming up there and if she comes up she is not going to let her in. I will be going away next week to see my son. Will alert my nephew that I am leaving. Other than that I have been struggling with the same issues only worse now. Because ........well it was not my intention to go here. Just saying hi and I miss you all. I tried to review a little but its a lot. Becky I wish you the best in all especially with the health issues. Golden, seems as if you have found THAT place. I hope so and wish you the best. Ali I look forward to hearing about the therapy and psych especially what helps. I am seeing a therapist. Its helpful, very much so. I get good ah ha's but I am basically still stuck in this mental and emtional vacuum about me, my mother and my sister and our dysfunction. I continue to grow, but I am very tired and burnt out. this vacation is well needed. I just hope my mother will be okay because of the true situation of that house. Sometimes I dont want to believe what I am experincing. Sometimes I feel sad for her, I feel that she knows deep inside how she has raise us and her ugly deeds. she looked real pitiful when I went to see where she was on my sisters floor befofe I went to work. she was in the bathroom fiddling around my sisters door was open. I opened the door when she was nasty talking my mother so I guess she knew sI would come and see what was up with my mother. So when I go the whole sha bang is going to come to the foreground. My cousin is not doing well, her shortness of breath is worsening, lots of blood transfusions and platelets which is a bad sign to me. She cant walk a few steps without stoping to catch her breath.

I didnt mean to pop in and write a book. I think of this AGing Care family very often. Just lately if Im not overwhelmed then I am recuperating from some hurdle I made.

Much love to you all.
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Book, that's it exactly. I have a set routine that allows me to get through each day and each week right now and any ol' thing that is way out of normal-level exertion -- like going out until very late hours with my friend -- is going to cause me trouble. She's also my best friend, so it's non-stop talking and talking and talking. Very draining but I love her and I was glad to spend the time with her.

What's most interesting to me is that it manifested as mental health symptoms. I was having manic thoughts, then some tears, and this kept happening for a couple of hours... in a nightclub. That's not normal exhaustion symptoms. Maybe I triggered it by pushing myself too much, I don't know. I'll tell therapist and psych and maybe I can find a way to get more stable. I can recognize it but I can't stop it from happening.

Things are really are ok with me, though. I'm moving in a few months into a new apartment, a 3 bedroom with tons more room than my current place, and rent is the same. I might get some roommates, too, but I'll have to pick carefully because I need them to be very calm and responsible people, haha. But... I'm on a decent enough trajectory for my limitations right now.
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ABB, I think you may have pushed yourself too much when you went to the nightclub + the drinks. I've learned from repeatedness, that my body tends to slow down dramatically around 3pm. Fave sis & I used to go shopping in the morning, lunch, then continue shopping. I've noticed that in the past few years, sometimes just after lunch, my body starts to shut down. I'm literally dragging my feet, walking so slowly. And my brain would go wooly, woozy (?). I would always tell sis that we need to stop now because I'm so very tired. We go to her home and I end up napping on the sofa or her bed. Now, it's normal in that sis organizes our day together by trying to get everything done by 2pm.
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Hey Sharyn, I wasn't expecting any feedback really, but thank you!! I'm getting by, but then I'll have a day or night where I realize very clearly that there are limitations to what I can do, and my limits are a lot lower than most other people my age. I also realize I have mental illness issues that surface regularly enough, but also are triggered by certain things. I think I'm experiencing underlying longterm issues I was going to run into anyway, but caregiving just made everything worse -- certainly it made my anxiety so much worse. And whether I want to admit it or not (and I don't want to admit it), both of my parents have signs of personality disorders and mental illness. It makes sense to think I have some genetic predisposition to some things. I see therapist in August and hopefully they'll have good input for me.

Sorry about your sis. What an event for her... for all of you. But makes sense to me, with everything you've said about her through the years, that she would be lashing out in anger at everyone else right now. Try to shield yourself from it as much as you can. You can't change anything. I'm glad you don't experience fatigue/stress from work. I do, and my job is pretty easy. That tells me that it's just ANYTHING that runs me down right now. Just being awake runs me down, lol. So this is not good. I don't have a good quality of life right now but I keep working on it. (((hugs)))
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Thank you CM and Becky, my sister is very angry at my kids and my brothers kids for not at least sending her a card. The reality is my sister does not maintain a relationship with any of them. I have kept in contact with her daughters over the years. I just ignored her anger at them because she is angry at everything right now and lashing out at them is easy. She is not an easy person to have any type of relationship with.

Ali, I don’t know what to say about your health other than since my mom passed away, any stress I experience ( generally family stress), I get easy exhausted with my heart rate elevated for a few days. Everyday stress from work doesn’t bother me. I’m just wondering if after being a caregiver, your body and emotions are just not up to any excitement right now. Take care of yourself (hugs)!
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Sharyn, I’m sorry your family is going thru so much pain over niece’s niece’s death. Suicide is the most difficult death to try to understand - the lack of answers and wondering if there is something you could have done.

I’m feeling better every day. Unfortunately, my surgeries didn’t miraculously cure my sleep problems. It’s not a perfect life.
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Hugs, Sharyn.

You are being a rock to your family, you know. All this fallout must be terrible for everyone.
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Dori, I hope this works. I can understand needing space and not feeling you have to sequester yourself to your room.

Becky, glad you home and recovering. Soon these surgeries will a memory and you will be up doing all your normal routine.

Golden, I too have metal allergies. I can wear sterling silver or 14k gold and higher with no break outs or skin irritations. I hope the rest of your trip was more enjoyable.

More info has come out regarding my niece. Apparently she was drinking large amounts of alcohol along with taking Ativan.

My sister is very tortured with questions, what if she did not die immediately, was she in pain, why didn’t her family do something knowing she was drinking so much and taking pills. She even says her daughter is a hypocrite because she banished me from her life when I was drinking. I know it’s her pain that is causing her anger. I wish I had words to help her, but I don’t.

I watched a video about a man now in his 40’s. He survived jumping off the Golden Gate Bridge in San Francisco. He said as soon as his hand let go of the rail, he had instant regret. He also said he did not do it out of selfishness or to hurt anyone; it was to stop the internal battle, stop the pain and silence his thoughts.

If you know someone battling depression, it has become a very serious situation when they say they are a burden or feel like a burden. Take it seriously and try to get them help through APS or other sources.

My heart breaks for my sister, for my niece who now feels she enabled her sister, and her husband who lives knowing their last words to each other was from a bad fight.
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I ask myself "Well, what would I have changed...?" about yesterday and last night. And really, it was good for me to get out to see my good friend and spend a little time out. But it takes such a toll on me. That's all. It really worked me over and I was feeling SOOOOOOOO dramatic. I want to keep things as simple and sane as I can, but it's a struggle.

Thanks for indulging my self-obsessed post, lol.  I see that many of you are dealing with serious health issues, either yourselves or your LO's.  

I see a therapist, then a psych, come August.  I'm hoping they might have some input for how to better handle my anxiety.  It's exhausting to experience.  
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I'm concerned for myself that I have some mood disorder problems. I'm concerned that my anxiety is a big part of why I'm fatigued, and being chronically fatigued makes me feel anxious.

My best friend has met someone though dating and they say they're getting married. (I joked that I have food in the refrigerator older than their relationship, but whatever, she's happy and I'm happy for her.) She came up and I dragged myself out to see her and have dinner with them. Then we went out to a nightclub. It was fun but... I started having very strange anxiety and panic and weird thoughts. I think it's because I was PUSHING myself to go out with her, stay out late, there were lots of drinks. My body/brain just doesn't have much reserves anymore. I push myself too much and it changes my personality.

My day was completely ruined today because I got to bed far too late to do a workout or go into work as scheduled. I knew no one was counting on me today, so it was a reasonable day to call off, but... it's not good.

It's not a crisis but I was SO MOODY yesterday and last night. I would have tears, then feeling agitated and aggressive. Ugh. It's passed but it's concerning to feel that way and act that way.  I'm wondering if chronic fatigue is why I don't handle any bumps in life well at all.  It takes so little to knock me off track, mentally and physically.  
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Well....just brought mom home from dialysis. She LOVES the TV. Took her shoes off and climbed right into bed. So she's in her room, watching Grey's Anatomy....as I write this from the living area.

Fingers still crossed. If she ends up preferring the (bigger, newer) TV in her room, this will actually solve about a hundred problems......
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Oh Becky - yes, this is a big part of it for me. Tiny bedroom that is RIGHT off the living room, and mom has a private bathroom....but the other one (that I use) is right across the hall from the tiny spare room. So I can't even go from my room to the bathroom without being watched. Mom's room is big and tucked away at the back.....but I feel so EXPOSED.  Whatever I do.  Not to mention....ok, her place is technically nicer than mine because everything's new....but it's HER place, HER stuff, HER furniture layout, HER TV, HER view, everything SHE'S chosen. Nothing of mine anywhere. I can't even hang my clothes in the closet because she had it filled with built-in cubbies to store HER stuff. I bought one of those Rubbermaid drawer sets just to have somewhere to put my things. She thinks that's just fine and that I have a pretty good life here. I feel like I've been camping for a year.

Maybe it's a view some people have that one's true "home" is the home of one's parents? I've never felt that way (especially because of the divorce), but mom did end up living back in the house she grew up in, until she came here....though at least she had the opportunity to make it hers. This place would look much different if I had the opportunity to make it "mine." (For starters, all this bloody beige would get tossed over the balcony!)
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cwillie - she liked it except for the people. Too many people, in and out all day and night to check on her. And yeah, I am taking what you said seriously. Thinking about it a lot, actually.

Thanks for that, vstefans.

Well. Just got a 55" Sony TV mounted to the wall in mom's room, with BFF's and her hubby's help. Perfect view from her hospital bed - it's like her own private movie theatre and WAY more comfortable than the couch. Haven't set up the cable yet - have to get a service call for that. But we did set it up with my Chromecast, which means I can broadcast anything to her TV from my laptop or phone....or tablet (she has one but it was a gift she never used, so naturally I can't even find it). The main thing is Netflix, which is what she watches most anyway (because autoplay).

Fingers crossed this is the solution I've been looking for. The biggest issue is space....if I could just get some space, especially on the weekends when I can't go anywhere, I don't think I'd be so angry. If she could just fall asleep in front of the TV whenever she wants, like she used to do before I started staying with her, I don't think SHE'D be so angry.....
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Dori, I can totally understand the whole room/space issue. When mom was alive her duplex was 1300 sq ft plus garage, floored attic storage and full basement. There were 3 bedrooms and 3-1/2 baths. Two of the baths were en suite. The third was off the hallway. There was an added on bath at the back of the garage. I was forced to have the smallest bedroom with no attached bath and had to use the bathroom at the back of the garage. No respect from my mother and she thought I should be happy with my bedroom and bathroom. One of many contributing reasons for why I moved away. A narcissistic mother is the gift that keeps on giving and giving.
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Dorianne, how did the respite stay go for your mom, was she OK with being at the hospice facility? I'm asking because you sound an awful lot like I did when I reached total burn out - everything my mom did annoyed me and I began to believe that every positive thing in our past relationship had been nothing but lies, and I didn't even have the kind of dysfunctional relationship with my mom you are trying to overcome. It finally dawned on me that it wasn't being kind to either of us to continue on as we were, I deserved at least a part of my life back and especially mom deserved to not be taken care of by someone who simmered with barely suppressed rage. Think about it.
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Dorianne, your mom does not have to be a demented demon for you to have a right to want what you want and get some of it. Your solution sounds humane and OK. If she only wants to lie on a couch and watch a TV, you might as well let her; if she needs so badly to believe she is not a burden to you that she can't at least have a little gratitude, that's sad, and a harsh reality for you to have to deal with.

And Pam.. yeah that; how they do it, they expect you to stop any life-sustaining meds and just give pain and anxiety meds. I remember with my mom that I had to explain that her Sinemet made her able to feed herself and she valued that. They did not even want to give her anticoagulants, which she needed in order not to hasten death, which was not our goal. We just wanted her comfortable and able to interact, not totally snowed, and not to have to go back to the hospital.
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