The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Went to visit MIL at the hospital today, and got there in time to join the hospice discussion with the gal at the hospital, so that is all set up. They could not take her back to MC today because they "don't do admissions on the weekend".. WTH, she has a room! But her care is better at the hospital so I am actually glad about that. BIL and FIL were all excited that hospice pays for "everything,, all meds".. Nope, had to get that cleared up,, only the hospice meds.. not her normal ones. But at least they were both happy to see me and FIL said "talk to her, she knows what's going on" MIL looks better, and she was talking sentences (not making sense,, but talking) And she is eating soft foods again (that was a big worry). So I am optimistic about hospice care doing a good job. And hubs feels better about everything.

Happy Canada Day, by the way.

Dammit all, I had a whole big post written and then I accidentally closed my browser!

Anyway, I'll make this shorter. I got drunk on root beer schnapps last night and I have a big headache today.

The respite break was great, and mom and I had a "honeymoon period" that lasted exactly one week after that. Then she went right back to her old ways, and I realized, finally, that you guys were right. My mother is a narcissist.

She treats me like I am nothing. Like, my life is nothing, my needs are nothing, my home is nothing, my friends are nothing, my music is nothing. Everything I am or have or want is NOTHING to her. If I'm anything to her at all, I'm just an extension of her, meant to support everything SHE is or has or wants, like a "good daughter."  And she honestly doesn't think I've given up anything real or tangible to care for her - she actually had the balls to snark at me last week that I have a pretty good life here!!!!!!

This isn't even new. Part of the reason I haven't been around for a couple of weeks is I've just been quietly observing, and adding up all the parts of my life, ending up with this conclusion. It's been a lifetime of secrets, lies, and headgames....

It isn't just dementia. She is physically a wreck, but her mind is not as illucid as she sometimes pretends.....rather, it's part of her narcissism that she just wants other people to do her thinking work for her, alongside everything else everyone does for her. Mild dementia has broken her filters, but only with ME. I'm the only one she is mean, nasty, and dismissive to, and she tells everyone else what a great daughter I am. I think in some ways, she is quite happy to have a tragic, lingering illness like kidney disease, because people feel sorry for her and she gets treated like a queen, never having to do anything for herself, while still getting to live to a reasonable age. (She'll be 80 in two weeks - before kidney disease, she used to constantly say she didn't want to live to "some horrible age like 80.")

Yesterday I screamed at her to stop treating me like I'm nothing, kicked one of the kitchen cabinets so hard I damaged it, sat on the kitchen floor bawling, and then made her go sleep in her room. This is the never-ending battle over the living area (the apartment is open plan), where she just sleeps on the couch all day/evening in front of the TV, and I have to tip-toe around her.  Because me wanting to have a LIFE (get some exercise/play some music/have some friends over/stretch out on the couch myself) really is a pathetic joke to her. I should just hide in the teeny-tiny spare room where there's only room to sit/lay on the bed, or else I should sit quietly at the dining table while she sleeps.

I told the two home support workers who've visited since not to bring her into the living area unless she asks. I must seem like the coldest daughter on earth to them. I'm going to put a TV in her room, hopefully some time this week, and then maybe that will mollify her - and I can start to have at least half a life again, not having to tip-toe around the main living area. (She never wanted a TV in her room because she didn't want it to feel like a sick room - so she treats the entire apartment like a sick room, while everyone else must accommodate that.)  I WILL fight her on this. I'll be damned if I'm going to live like this anymore.

Anyway. I need to get rid of this headache so I won't stay online much longer. But I just wanted to tell you that you were all right, and I'm finally realizing it.

What a pleasant morning! High of 75 yesterday, down to low 50's overnight. Closed windows a bit, no ceiling fan, warming blanket, slept late, must get up for tea soon, nearly 8:00. Feels so good. Even ice still in my glass this morning. Ahh what s the rush?

Thanks, ABB. I scrolled down a bit and found her post about her husband. Quickest way for me to send her a HUG in her message wall.

Thank you Ali. I never would have known without your post.

Golden, hope you feel better quick. Yes the house is going quick. They started enclosing it Friday, trusses next week. Then it will become a waiting game to get on schedule for subs. Six weeks just for Windows to get here.

Poor Veronica. I hope she is okay.

Thx Ali

(((((((Veronica))))))) So, so sorry. Words can't express. Deepest condolences.

Hi all, Veronica has posted on her Wall that her husband passed away last.  I'm just feeling so bad for her. I thought I'd go ahead and share this news with you guys, if you want to post supportive Hugs for her.

glad - wow building is moving fast

pamz - hope things are settling down. It is a difficult time for everyone.

book - your mum hung in there for a long time. My mother is not at death's door but she is declining.

Oh madge - the 90's are long gone for my mother. Hope your viking is dong well.

This is not being a stellar holiday - R and I have enjoyed the mountains. We couldn't get to Jasper as the road was blocked the morning we tried due to a collision. However, we took an interesting side trip. He hiked a couple of days and I spent most of the time dealing with one allergy hit or another. I am now officially allergic to metal - probably nickel - and hopefully only that. It will make sorting through my jewelry much easier. Anything metal, not 14 K gold or over or good sterling silver, will go. I have used a lot of zinc ointment soothing my skin. Then I made a spectacle of myself at the court house. R had business there and I hadn't remembered that I had a pair of folding scissors in my handbag, which also doubles as a pharmacy, make up counter, and more. It is bad enough that my earrings set off the alarm so I had to be searched but, they kept me behind so I could surrender the scissors. But could I find them???? Finally the guy took my bag back to the machine to locate generally where they were in my purse, and, after refusing his kind offer to look, I did find them and handed them over. It was embarrassing.

Since then I have kept quiet and finally. am getting over the various ailments now that it is time to go home. Oh well! The rest has done me good.

Take care all!

Hang in there, Pam
I continue to be amazed at how some folks at mom's facility can take a step back and keep on going even into their 90s
Mom often loses her appetite with UTIs and yes MC misses UTIs all the time - MIL might just benefit from the extra attention from hospice
It's all so difficult

Well she seemed a bit better today. Hubs says she is going back to MC on hospice, and will get more help eating and such. So he is sad, but OK with it. Thank you all for you thoughts and wishes. He coming to terms with it!

Pam, so sorry you and your family are going this. I hope your hubby comes to terms with it. Sending comfort!

Oh Pammy, so sorry things are rough for you and hubs family! Hubby need to realize that his Mom Is 93, and that's a good long life buy most people's understanding. Still, losing a parent at any age is very difficult! My thoughts and prayers are with you and everyone!

Pam, sorry to hear about your MIL. Sending hugs and thoughts of comfort to you and your family.

PZ, thinking of you and family. It is a very difficult time for all. Do what you need to do for you.

Oh dear God,, fil just told hubs that the hospital wants MIL to go on hospice. She isn't eating, and they are keeping her for a few more days. I had trouble understanding what FIL was saying,, but the bottom line is she passing. And Hubs is not taking this well at all,, keeps bring up the situation with the move.. all of it. He is going to go to the meeting at the hospital tomorrow..and I sort of feel like I should call out of work and go too... but I really don't want to be in the middle of this! She is 93, and I keep explaining that you should just want her end to be peacefull, but he is so angry. So I will go to work, and hope I don't get exploded in the aftermath. He is an 'Avoider",, and so this is even worse. I really think it's probably best,, but I'll just try to be supportive and stay out of it. But I do wonder if he will ever be the same with his dad after this, and I know the relationship with his brother is shot

Golden, mom was always at death's door. There were a few 'close call's in which we called all of mom's sibs, they came as a group (not individually) to visit mom, did those Catholic prayers for the dying. Then go to the hospital's waiting room and talk, gossip, laughing... while me and my sibs just sat there staring at them. It's so... surreal - to see mom's sisters, brothers and in-laws just laughing .. while our mom was dying. It happened about twice. Finally, dad (not yet bedridden at the time) told us that we were not to call mom's sibs when we think mom's dying. I think, it also got on my dad's nerves that her sibs were laughing/talking loudly at such a very solemn time for us.  I recalled telling my sibs that it looked like the aunts/uncles were at a party. 

On mom's last day, I believe the aunties/uncles just assumed that mom was again at 'death's door' and that's why we didn't call them. Maybe they suspect that we purposely didn't call them, and may have been angry with us for not calling - but they never said it to our face (that I'm aware of). ..

The guilt did get to me. I don't remember if I posted it here. Our local custom is that when a person dies, no matter the time, we must have the rosary (???) said that same day (even if it means 10pm at night.) Every time I saw mom's sibs crying during the rosary, I felt soooooo guilty. After it was done, I went up to aunty who sang what I call the 'death' song to mom. (It was in our native tongue and I don't understand it at all.)

I asked her if she was mad at me because mom died so soon after I took over her care. (Dad became bedridden 9 months earlier). How dad was able to make her live so long. Yet... Aunty had tears in her eyes, grabbed me, hugged me so hard and told me that no one blames me for mom dying. Sooooo … If the aunts/uncles suspect we didn't tell them, I'm positive that they're not mad at me. It would be my older siblings because.. well, they're older than me. sigh... local custom is that it's the elders who contact the family grapevine. Elders who do everything or tell the younger ones what to do. So, I'm safe from being blamed on not telling them because I'm just the middle child. Not sure about my older sibs...

With my 94 year old dad in hospice care, I decided it was time to make some preparations for his memorial service. My step-sister was thinking about having a private memorial service because he has outlived his friends. She already had someone in mind to do the service. He did her mother's memorial service, but I didn't think he did it all that well. I told her that I would contact dad's and my relatives in another state to see what they thought. I was going to wait until our family reunion in August, but that might be too late. 

Well, I contacted them today and they want his memorial service to be in the town where he was born. My dad has over 50 nieces and nephews in Ohio, plus friends who still remember him like the man who owns in the funeral home where he was born. 

One cousin has said that the funeral home has enough room for all of the relatives and that he would contact the Roman Catholic priest about doing the mass. He even offered to do the eulogy. I think this is much better and is the way to go. 

I don't know how my step-sister will respond, but he's my dad. For that matter, she can have a private memorial service for him where he has been living. He's outlived all of his friends there.

BIL called hubs while I was out "running away " for a few hours,, they ( BIL and FIL ) went to visit MIL in MC, she was lethargic ( normally we find her sleeping in her wheelchair) but luckily it was "the day" the Dr was there. So she was taken to the ER,, tests run.. FIL calls to tell us the tests were all "OK" but she has a "urinal infection" so they are admitting her overnight at least. After a couple eye blinks,, OK ,, I've got this.. He tells hubs he and BIL are home, MIL still in Er awaiting a bed.. Hope he calls hubs tomorrow to let him know the room # in case he decides to go visit.. I wonder how long the MC would have "not noticed" anything if BIL hadn't gone in? That place looks great on the outside..but the care is subpar in my opinion. And hubs hates to go visit,, hates her care, hates the situation that led to this.. I have to fight him to go. So I suggested that if he goes to see her tomorrow my Mom might go with him,, he hates to go to any hospital, etc. I have to work,, so wish them luck...

Outside wall framing! Going fast now.

My Dad and Grandmother both mellowed with age. Just saying.

Don't do it Ruby. Old people do not mellow as they age they just get worse. You have a life now so don't change it and get stuck in a vey bad situation.

Ruby if you are have panic attacks every other day now,, I promise you they will become daily. Don't do it,, just don;t

Blue, white and yellow? Those are Swedish colors. I don't know about how much yellow though. Need to meet with the kitchen designer again. She and I did not click, not one little bit, but ok, I have worked with more difficult people in my life.

After house inside, then waiting on subs to get me on their calendars. So, who knows.

Wow Glad, that does sound FAST! Your new place will look like a Real house by the end of Next Week! Whoo-Hoo! Soon you will be picking out colors and appliances! Make My room Blue White and Yellow Please, Lol!

Make that little voice become a big voice. Advocate for yourself first, then mom. Make sure mom has her documents complete, POA, DNR and if possible have her decide where she wants to live when it is no longer possible for her to stay at home. Maybe it is closer to you to make it easier on both of you. But DO NOT move in with her, give up your life, your life is your life, your job is your job. That is all very important for your elderly years and how you will care for yourself.

FLOORS! Walls by end of week, trusses for roof early next week, then enclosing the home by the end of next week. Gosh it seems to be moving fast now!

Ruby...please follow your instincts. There is a reason that little alarm is going off in your head. I have learned over the years to follow my instincts and my heart. Don't feel guilty. If she threw you out once what is to say she won't do it again.

Visit and try to build a relationship with your Mom, but do not let her guilt trip, bully or cajole you into giving up your life and moving in with her. Again follow your instincts and that little "voice". It might be different if she did not have her mobility or the funds to get assistance, but based on what you have said she does. She needs to have a paid caregiver come in to assist her.

Sorry, don't mean to sound harsh but it took a while for me to stand up to my Mom as much as I loved her. I was her caregiver/companion after my Dad had his strokes and ended up in a nursing home. It was rough at first...but they did not have the funds for a caregiver to come in. This sounds like a totally different situation. When my brother moved back in I moved out as I had found the love of my life.

thanks that's about what i expected to hear. i've told her my feelings but she thinks if i have some time to think it over i'll change my mind. she's still on top of things; in fact she's calling caregivers right now. i've already made a reservation to go back home but she's offering me cash now lol. i'm just afraid i'll regress to child status here

Good that you have a job! Be sure to get back home in time for work, and have a happy life!
An adult child is not responsible for hands-on care for their parent.
They are responsible for getting or arranging their care

There is a reason your sibling and mother do not speak, take a lesson there.

Start with getting a caregiver to come in, at her expense.

Now, pack your bags, and leave a.s.a.p., after informing Mother that you could not possibly do that.