
Many of us, myself included, come from a dysfunctional family which adds a lot of weight to the challenges of caregiving. I have read stores on various threads on other topics and decided it would be good to have a thread just for this topic for people to share, vent and discuss.
The idea for this thread originated on the thread named "The Caregiver....How are YOU doing today?"
Of course there is a reason but one you may never know.
Take care of yourself and let the dust settle a bit before you make travel arrangements.
I expect the family will wait a few days before any kind of funeral so that can give other people time to travel etc. There really is no rush. Thoughts and prayers for you and the family.
I sympathize with your situation, seeing as you don't want to get too close to sis but also you want to be supportive in her time of need. Seems like it's going to be emotionally messy, no matter what, so stick close to the thread for support.
Aw. Just (((((hugs))))). I'm so sorry. 😪
Hang in there. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.
Oh Sharyn, *what* a thing to happen. I'm so sorry.
But if she isn't travelling alone then it must be better for you to meet her en route, no? And heaven knows you have your own shock to take care of.
It's possibly the one thing keeping me from having a stroke, mind.
The kitten (can I even call him that anymore, when he's almost as huge as a bobcat at only 10 months?) crawled onto my chest and laid his cheek on mine immediately afterwards. (He always knows my mood.) Even better than breathing exercises.
Only... Maybe let it go without saying? Save your breath, for holding.
How's her renal function? Uraemic people can get very very b*tchy.
Silly question to ask you at half past three in the morning, I know. Got any breathing exercises handy?
Well, mom just did it again. I am awake because she was making tea at 2:30 am. Then forgot about the tea and fell asleep on the couch. Then she went immediately into the nasty when I went to get her back to bed. (One of the "rules" of me staying here is everybody sleeps in their own bed so that everybody can have a life outside their tiny bedrooms.) And EXTREME nasty when I insisted on checking for myself that she was wearing a Depends (because she's lied to me about it so often).
"I don't lie!" she snapped.
"You lie all the time," I sighed. "Look, I'm just tired of cleaning up poop. I have to make sure."
"Now I know who you REALLY are," she spat venomously.
What does that even mean.
That's just a snapshot of the whole interchange. Ugly. Nasty. Negative. Crazy. And now I'm the one awake, at 3:30 am.
How is your sister doing? She must be a wreck!
I'll keep checking in, thinking of you. Wish I had more to offer.
We were supposedly "guaranteed" a formal carer's assessment within six weeks of applying to social services. Hollow laughter: make that six months. Seven months. Eight...
One morning I got a call from an Adult Services Team Leader, just calling to "check how you're getting on." I opened my mouth and the words "oh, you know, we're fine" were about to come out but then I broke down into sobs. Extremely embarrassing but she did get the message.
You shouldn't have to have the screaming ab-dabs to get the help you need but I sometimes wonder if it is the only way.
It will be soon. Hang in there.
Last words tonight, until bedtime -
Me: Why do you have to be like this?
Mom: Why do YOU have to be like this?
Me: Well, look who raised me! Take a look in the mirror!
I never thought I'd say it out loud, but tonight, I did.
I'm starting to wonder if she breaks out the poop-a-thons on purpose, too. Like, is it part of her nasty side? Yesterday....how the h*** do you get that much poop EVERYWHERE. I was up till 4 AM cleaning the last of it and finishing the laundry. Not one word of thanks or even acknowledgement.
I really need a break.
I phoned the renal SW today, trying to get that respite bed sped up. She suggested (possibly true) that I am very nice and polite when I talk to people on the phone, so that the home health nurse probably had no idea how badly in need of respite I really am. So she's going to phone the manager at Ponderosa herself and see about getting things in motion.
Please, please, please, let it be soon.
As POA you are charged with oversight of mom's financial resouces. That money is for her needs and care only. Sis is out of line. What I would do is to get someone to serve as conservator and all checks written would have two signatures. You cannot appoint someone to serve as her POA, only mom can do that and only if she is not incapacitated. Maybe mom's attorney would do that or they refer you to someone that will. It would be mom's funds that pay for the service as it is for her benefit. I will benefit you as it will provide you the assistance and support to say no to this sib.
If mom should live long enough and need additional care, say a nursing home, and has to apply for Medicaid she would be penalized, dollar for dollar, on every loan/gift she has given anyone over the past five years. What then? Be strong, get the help and support you need to stop sib from exploiting mom.
And when mom passes who is executor? I would make sure that these "loans" are repaid to the estate prior to splitting it, if anything is left, with other heirs.
Have you spoken to the Hospice social worker about this issue?
Are you thinking that mom is no longer competent to make financial decisions and that you need to invoke you POA powers? How is that document written?
It seems to me that you need legal advice re: mom's competence and what your POA powers extend to.
I suggest talking to the social worker for two reasons; she may be able to hook you up with legal resources (mom's money should be used for this, NOT YOURS) and she may have some resources for dealing with the dysfunction of your siblings in terms of mediation.
((((hugs))))) to you at this very difficult time. Your mom no longer has the power to "stand up for you" to your siblings. It sounds like all she wants is to die peacefully, which is likely why she's agreeing with whomever is talking with her at the moment.
Being POA within a dysfunctional family is no picnic. Stay with us; there are lots of folks who will be along to give advice later this morning, I'm sure.