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What a terrible shock Sharyn I am so sorry. The first thought is why why why.
Of course there is a reason but one you may never know.
Take care of yourself and let the dust settle a bit before you make travel arrangements.
I expect the family will wait a few days before any kind of funeral so that can give other people time to travel etc. There really is no rush. Thoughts and prayers for you and the family.
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So sorry for your loss Sharyn.
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Sharyn, I just read about your niece. How awful, I'm so sorry for all of you. Sometimes it's hard to say which happened first: substance abuse, mental issues, or dysfunctional parents. It's very sad what these things do to human beings. I wish your niece to be at peace, and for others to make peace with her actions. I'm so sorry.

I sympathize with your situation, seeing as you don't want to get too close to sis but also you want to be supportive in her time of need. Seems like it's going to be emotionally messy, no matter what, so stick close to the thread for support.

Aw. Just (((((hugs))))). I'm so sorry. 😪
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Sharyn, I'm so sorry.
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So sad, Sharyn
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Sharyn.... my heart breaks for your loss. My condolences and prayers to you and your family. I know it is devastating. Losing someone to natural causes or an accident is hard enough. When it is suicide it makes it 10 times worse. I lost a very dear friend, who was like a sister to me, to suicide 12 years ago and to this day I still miss her. She was 48 as well and had problems with drugs and alcohol and a boyfriend that encouraged the use of them.

Hang in there. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.
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Thank you everyone for your hugs and suggestions. They are helping get my thoughts straight.
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My nieces father died at age 42 from liver failure due to years of drug and alcohol abuse. I have a lot to consider right now. I don’t want to get back in too tight with my sister.
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(((((((((sharyn)))))) I am so sorry. My deepest sympathies. This is devastating for a family. Your sis does need support. However you need to look after yourself too. Is your nieces dad in the picture at all? Prayers for arrangements to work out and for strength for you. Keep us updated. Your family has had more than it's share in recent years.
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Thank you. I’m still in shock
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Oh Lordy. You'd best go and get her then. It wouldn't be unreasonable, in those circumstances, and of course respecting his grief, to ask nephew in law to allow for your travelling time.

Oh Sharyn, *what* a thing to happen. I'm so sorry.
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No CM, that’s why I’m torn. She is just devastated as to be expected. My brother can’t travel.
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Will your sister have anyone travelling with her from her home, Sharyn? If not, I expect she'd be glad of a functioning companion to help her put one foot in front of the other. Poor lady, I hate to imagine what she's going through.

But if she isn't travelling alone then it must be better for you to meet her en route, no? And heaven knows you have your own shock to take care of.
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My niece was 48 years old. All of us are devastated. I’m waiting for more info. My other niece (sisters), said they are meeting at the house with my nephew (in law) at 12. I’m deciding if I should drive to California tobe with my sister or to meet up with in Denver to get connecting flight to Kentucky. All depends on what my nieces husband plans are with the service.
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I'm a singer. My breathing is always as smooth and slow and steady as a yoga instructor's, lol.

It's possibly the one thing keeping me from having a stroke, mind.

The kitten (can I even call him that anymore, when he's almost as huge as a bobcat at only 10 months?) crawled onto my chest and laid his cheek on mine immediately afterwards. (He always knows my mood.)  Even better than breathing exercises. 
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Snort! Do you ever need to check for yourself that she's wearing her pad. Too right. Misinformation from her on this point, and it's not she who'll be scrubbing the bloody carpets, is it?

Only... Maybe let it go without saying? Save your breath, for holding.

How's her renal function? Uraemic people can get very very b*tchy.

Silly question to ask you at half past three in the morning, I know. Got any breathing exercises handy?
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CM - I've been called a "stoic" more than once in my life.

Well, mom just did it again. I am awake because she was making tea at 2:30 am. Then forgot about the tea and fell asleep on the couch. Then she went immediately into the nasty when I went to get her back to bed. (One of the "rules" of me staying here is everybody sleeps in their own bed so that everybody can have a life outside their tiny bedrooms.) And EXTREME nasty when I insisted on checking for myself that she was wearing a Depends (because she's lied to me about it so often).

"I don't lie!" she snapped.

"You lie all the time," I sighed. "Look, I'm just tired of cleaning up poop. I have to make sure."

"Now I know who you REALLY are," she spat venomously.

What does that even mean.

That's just a snapshot of the whole interchange. Ugly. Nasty. Negative. Crazy. And now I'm the one awake, at 3:30 am.
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Oh, Sharyn. I am so sorry, how terribly sad. Always comes as a shock. Lost my dad when I was 12 the same way. It is something that remains with us the rest of our days. Always the thoughts of what could I have done differently when there really isn't anything. People that do this are mentally ill and do not have the skills or desire to get help. They really do not think of the impact this will have on the remaining family that are left behind that always try to figure out the why! I am so sorry. Are there children? If so, they are going to need everyone's love and attention. Thinking of you and family.
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Oh Sharyn! I am so, so sorry! What a bombshell! No wonder you are beside yourself, it's a terrible blow. And a shocking thing to wake up to.

How is your sister doing? She must be a wreck!
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You must be in complete shock, all of you. How old was your niece?

I'll keep checking in, thinking of you. Wish I had more to offer.
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My sister is in California and my niece is in Kentucky. I going to wait for more info. Maybe go to Kentucky for the service. I just can’t believe she did this. I never would have thought she could possibly do something like this. The damn family curse of alcohol. She hadn’t been well since a surgery last year.
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Oh Sharyn. I have no words. Can you get to your sister's?
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I’m just beside myself right now. It’s the worst thing I could every have imagined. My sister called called at 2am. Her oldest daughter committed suicide. She went into the woods behind her home and shot herself. I don’t know what to think. It’s just horrible. RIP my dear sweet niece.
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Oh Dori, you're one of life's "copers", hm?

We were supposedly "guaranteed" a formal carer's assessment within six weeks of applying to social services. Hollow laughter: make that six months. Seven months. Eight...

One morning I got a call from an Adult Services Team Leader, just calling to "check how you're getting on." I opened my mouth and the words "oh, you know, we're fine" were about to come out but then I broke down into sobs. Extremely embarrassing but she did get the message.

You shouldn't have to have the screaming ab-dabs to get the help you need but I sometimes wonder if it is the only way.
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Dori- Big Hug.
It will be soon. Hang in there.
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Every time I start feeling sorry for my mom....she turns nasty again. And then when my politeness or kindness doesn't stop it, I give up and snap back. And then we're snapping at each other, followed by hours of total silence.

Last words tonight, until bedtime -

Me: Why do you have to be like this?

Mom: Why do YOU have to be like this?

Me: Well, look who raised me! Take a look in the mirror!

I never thought I'd say it out loud, but tonight, I did.

I'm starting to wonder if she breaks out the poop-a-thons on purpose, too. Like, is it part of her nasty side? Yesterday....how the h*** do you get that much poop EVERYWHERE. I was up till 4 AM cleaning the last of it and finishing the laundry. Not one word of thanks or even acknowledgement.

I really need a break.

I phoned the renal SW today, trying to get that respite bed sped up. She suggested (possibly true) that I am very nice and polite when I talk to people on the phone, so that the home health nurse probably had no idea how badly in need of respite I really am. So she's going to phone the manager at Ponderosa herself and see about getting things in motion.

Please, please, please, let it be soon.
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LW44
As POA you are charged with oversight of mom's financial resouces. That money is for her needs and care only. Sis is out of line. What I would do is to get someone to serve as conservator and all checks written would have two signatures. You cannot appoint someone to serve as her POA, only mom can do that and only if she is not incapacitated. Maybe mom's attorney would do that or they refer you to someone that will. It would be mom's funds that pay for the service as it is for her benefit. I will benefit you as it will provide you the assistance and support to say no to this sib.

If mom should live long enough and need additional care, say a nursing home, and has to apply for Medicaid she would be penalized, dollar for dollar, on every loan/gift she has given anyone over the past five years. What then? Be strong, get the help and support you need to stop sib from exploiting mom.

And when mom passes who is executor? I would make sure that these "loans" are repaid to the estate prior to splitting it, if anything is left, with other heirs.
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You talk to your mom's lawyer, just for starts. 

Have you spoken to the Hospice social worker about this issue?

Are you thinking that mom is no longer competent to make financial decisions and that you need to invoke you POA powers?  How is that document written?

It seems to me that you need legal advice re: mom's competence and what your POA powers extend to.

I suggest talking to the social worker for two reasons; she may be able to hook you up with legal resources (mom's money should be used for this, NOT YOURS) and she may have some resources for dealing with the dysfunction of your siblings in terms of mediation.

((((hugs))))) to you at this very difficult time.  Your mom no longer has the power to "stand up for you" to your siblings.  It sounds like all she wants is to die peacefully, which is likely why she's agreeing with whomever is talking with her at the moment.

Being POA within a dysfunctional family is no picnic.  Stay with us; there are lots of folks who will be along to give advice later this morning, I'm sure.
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Does anyone know how to get a parent in home hospice a mental status exam? I’m my mother’s POA and she lives with me on hospice. My sister is taking advantage of mom’s current mental deficits, by getting her alone and asking her if she can borrow money. I’m the one who writes check for my mom because she cannot write or even think clearly about how to write a check. I feel angry and protective of my mom. I told her what I think, and she became angry with me, saying that she’s tired of having to ask people how to use her money. How can I honor my mom’s dignity while also protecting her from family vultures?? I want to have a professional evaluate her so that it’s official that she’s too vulnerable to agree to loaning her money.
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My 2 older siblings are using my moms hospice status to start terrible trouble and get everyone to suspect me of terrible things. I’m my moms POA. They resent me, and my mom doesn’t defend her own choice, but rather leaves me to deal with their suspicions alone. I’m very close to transferring my legal responsibilities to someone else...a friend of the family and moving my mom out of my home into a facility. My siblings have no responsibility but will be granted an equal portion of my moms estate. My spouse and I are doing all the daily “real” stuff, while they sit back and judge, thinking they know better. There is gossip and lying too. They both manipulate my mom, and because she’s dying, she doesn’t address it. She ends up going with the flow with them and not saying, “hey wait a minute! Show some respect for your sister who’s doing everything!” I feel I have no advocate in this situation. I also feel like I’m an easy target for a law suit or at least having my reputation ruined in my family. My family already watches for any slip up in my life because I’m gay and they are fundamentalist Christians. Maybe I should just walk away from all of this....even the inheritance
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