
Many of us, myself included, come from a dysfunctional family which adds a lot of weight to the challenges of caregiving. I have read stores on various threads on other topics and decided it would be good to have a thread just for this topic for people to share, vent and discuss.
The idea for this thread originated on the thread named "The Caregiver....How are YOU doing today?"
It's a wonder so many of us survived the things we did. I still deal with anxiety and waking up with a knot in my stomach in the morning because I'm never sure what family crisis or drama awaits me.
My Hubs has a habit of reverting to a childish a**hole on special occasions, Birthdays especially. This last year on his Birthday he had been behaving like a real pri*k all
day. But we went through the whole charade of going for dinner with his family (which is painful, even on a good day) When we finally got home I was looking for something in the kitchen cupboard and had left it open. Hubs banged his head on it and turned around and just freaked out on me. I had had enough at that point. I went to bed and just bawled my eyes out. I wondered the next morning why I'd gotten so upset. It wasn't till a couple of weeks later that I realized that that whole incident brought back memories of my schizophrenic brother freaking out on me when I was young when I accidentally hit him in the head with the door. I was really terrified of my brother when I was young so hubs freaking out triggered that memory.
Again Susan, so sorry for the bad memories. :(
I'm going to talk to the area nurse this week about more home support (one of the workers told me we can get 4 visits a day if I push for it), and also see if the renal social worker can also help push for that bed at Ponderosa before I lose it.
susan - thanks, me too! What a horrible shock you must have gotten, to see that book online out of nowhere! Ugh, I have no doubt you felt quite sickened. (((((hugs)))))
Funny how sometimes things can pop up online or elsewhere, and suddenly, you're right back in your abusive or dysfunctional childhood. There was a book published in the 70s that was promoted as an open, honest, pictorial way to explain sex to children. It featured children in the nude and descriptive photos and text about the whole process. I have no idea why, but it popped up on youtube as the subject of a possible documentary when I was uploading a training video for a client. I have no idea why it popped up - I've never searched for such a thing or anything even remotely related to it - but there it was. I knew as soon as I saw the picture of the cover what it was. I almost fell off my chair. My stomach twisted up into a knot and my brain went completely blank for a few minutes. I thought I had pretty much forgotten about that book - but there it was, (literally) in black and white. My father used it as justification for his abuse of us kids, saying if this book showed kids this way, that it was ok for us. Obviously, that was NOT the intent when the book was published. In the 1980s, the book was banned in the US for containing what amounted to child porn.
My greatest fear when I was going through my parents' dressers and closet in their room was that I would find that damned book. I actually kind of hoped I would, so I could burn the disgusting thing, but I didn't. I suspect either Dad got rid of it so he wouldn't be caught with it after I told Mom what he was doing to us kids (when I was 10), or Mom found it and disposed of it herself. I have no idea - all I know is it's gone - or at least I haven't found it so far.
I really need a break. I started talking to mom about the proposed respite stay at Ponderosa Lodge. She was all, "NO! NO! NO!" I told her I desperately need a break, I reminded her I haven't had a whole day off in a year. She said, "Well go, then!" She really thinks it's just fine to walk away and leave her here on her own.
She IS going into Ponderosa for a week. I don't know how I'm going to get her there, but I also don't care how much she protests. I need a vacation.
I did get the molding replaced on my car which was stolen - no one claims to have ever heard of this before - not the parts guy, not the insurance estimator - I'm out $350 despite filing a claim and getting a discount on the parts and a lot of frustration - of course new parts on a 6 year old car stand out even moreso now
And I'm just tired, maybe. Menopause too. Never-ending poopy laundry. Several-times-daily visits from home support, and they're all different workers since mom's hospital stay, so I've had to "train" people all over again - plus my introvert self is hungry for refreshing, recharging solitude.
I can "officially" report that I booked one lone gig for this summer - putting together the Joni Mitchell show after all. Just me and one of my bandmates with a guitar (I'm just singing), and another singer doing harmonies. And in the small park under the gazebo, not the big park with the giant stage. It should be pretty laid back. I'm not too focused on it yet - probably not enough! But the other two musicians' enthusiasm is starting to get a little infectious. We have two months to get the songs together.
I lobbied the other two for one of Joni's lesser-known songs (Nothing Can Be Done) on the set list, on the grounds that I relate to the lyric so much.
I am not old
I'm told
But I am not young
Oh and nothing can be done
I hope everyone is well. I read sporadically on AC during the day and then comment on a post if I think I have something to contribute. I appreciate keeping up with all of your lives, though, by reading on DYS thread. Everything's going generally ok for me. I don't feel as well as I'd like to, far too much fatigue, but I'm making it.
Thanks for mentioning me, Golden. I do need to go get TSH levels tested. Thing is, they weren't all that low to begin with, but I KNOW this medicine made a big difference for me. So. Shrug. I think one of the few obvious things left for me to do, to improve QOL, is to do a strict diet and stick to it. I don't want to, as you can imagine.
Good night, all. (((((hugs)))))
guest - I read somewhere you are not going to the wedding. Good call!!!!!
trying -wondering how you and your parents are
ali - I see you posting here and there. Have you checked that your thyroid levels are where they should be. Sometimes it takes a few TSH tests to get the right dose.
Darn sinus headache is back tonight. Dd and fam came over and took most of the stuff and some extra queen sized sheets I had. I have some books which will go to a local church. some antique ones which may be worth trying to sell in E'ton, and some I will donate to a local used book store. I have a couple of old laptops upstairs which prob should be trashed. They are soooo slow!
Raining a bit - so welcome. Showers forecast for the weekend. Yay!!!
Have a good night, all.
Glad - More progress!
Golden, Forty years is a long time and a lot of memories. I can’t imagine.
The decision with dialysis is a tough one Dori.
I’m scheduled for my aortic valve replacement Monday. Three or four days in CCU, then 7-10 days in hospital. Then 3-4 weeks inpatient rehab. Then 3 weeks outpatient rehab. After all of that I have to have bilateral femoral-popliteal artery bypasses and rehab. A fun summer ahead. I’ve loaded up my IPad with books. I have some cross stitch to work on. I check in Sunday at 4:30 and have surgery 4:00 Monday morning should last about 6 hours.
I’m having my hair cut short tomorrow. Don’t want to have to deal with long hair. PJ’s happy with that. He likes my hair short.
sharyn -happy that your bro is on the list even if being so is confining. Amazing what they do with transplants today. We used to have a lot of thunder and lightning storms back home when I was a child. I loved them. We could use a good bit of rain here.
dori - sorry too hear about your mum's bad week. It sounds like she is getting near the end of the dialysis. What a tough position to be in - for both of you! Yes, it makes sense that this is a hard place to be in. The transition from being a child to your parent to being a parent to your parent is not an easy or natural one. It is good you are spending relaxing time with her. Swimming and etc is good!
Feeling like I can see the light at the end of the tunnel regarding tossing things. Still lots to do but I have ideas of what to do with the rest. There is a fair amount of stuff in the front hall for dd to take to the thrift ship. My energy levels etc. re CFS/FM really limit me. What would take a "normal" person 2 weeks to do probably would take me up to two months to accomplish. Aaargh!!! Don't like it. It means I can't expect to have this place ready in much under 3 months. The bank lady said that real estate is picking up here. That is good.
I am dealing with some grieving over leaving this house and the city, and leaving some family and familiar things behind - forty years and many significant life changes. I have never lived that long anywhere else. That, combined with sinus issues, I think due to dealing with stuff which has triggered allergies, has slowed me down. Oh well -plodding along...
Have a great day everyone. Do something good for you.
I have been thinking a lot this week about how I've known this is probably going to end up being my decision....but now that we're getting closer I just feel like a kid, taking care of her sick mom, and who let me be the responsible one, anyway? I can't even keep my room tidy. Dunno if that makes sense.
Anyway, I've just been spending time with her, watching Grey's Anatomy now, which is one of her faves but I've never seen before. Haven't been online too much.
Did get back to swimming this week, though, so that's good. The BC Lions, our provincial pro football team, has their "training camp" in our city, and they're at the same place where we swim....so BFF and I have gotten to see lots of beautiful male bodies in swimsuits this week, anyway! Wish I could wear my glasses in the pool, lol....
We are having thunder and lightening storms just about every evening for the last week. Sometimes it sounds like the thunder is right over our house and it stays for about 30 minutes before moving.
Have a good night.
I am frustrated out of my mind. R and I filed a claim against the insurance co for their ineptitude and things not addressed. This morning I woke up feeling serene until I opened my email, and there was an item from the person who was the most inept - our adjuster. In four sentences, she made two mistakes. One was saying she understood my frustration, which I very much doubt as she has been a major cause of it, unless it is intentional which it may well be, and the second was writing a sentence that made no sense - "I have you replaced ..." a typo no doubt, but really!!! Can she get anything right??? I have referred it to R who deals well with such things, and am trying to get it off my mind - not too successfully. I need to research another insurance company.
Sent another 2 pair of black pants to mother and hope these work. They are on the large side, but hot washer and dryer should fix that. Better too large than too small. I will look for some summer tops when I next go downtown.
Have a good day everyone.
Tornadoes yesterday came close, ten miles, interesting formations in the clouds.🌀 Flash flood watches, but nothing significant here. My gosh! The flooding in Maryland!
But sometimes I just need a break from the forum. It’s not exactly the happiest place on earth.
Mom died in April. Folks here gave me tremendous support as I went through the whole move to care, the falls and her death. Dads still there in memory care doing pretty well for now. But he’s declining.
I can understand why people ditch the forum when the caregiving is over. When Dad dies I may bail also. I don’t know. But I’ll never forget how much this forum and the folks I met here have helped me the past few years. When this all started, I was the last man standing and a total lost ball in the tall grass.
glad - I think you are right. We don't have support from family, and everyone needs support. Keep us updated on the "hole".
becky - I am sure what you share is helpful to others. We all make mistakes!!! Hope things go well for you on Thursday. Give PJ an extra hug - grief sucks.
blackhole - I hear you about mil outliving you. When I heard about sis's TIA I thought that it could have been a big one, and there is mother at 106 -never had even one! II well know looking for a rescue and then obstructing and bad mouthing anyone who comes close to help. Yes, you have to keep your guard up. I wonder what life will be like when (if) that ever is not the case. My moat is filled with alligators, and I often have the draw bridge up.
sharyn - some of us do go back a while. I, too, need support against dysfun family members. You never know when arrows will be sent your way. How is your bro doing?
cmag - your advice/wisdom is much appreciated
veronica - your story in itself is an encouragement to many, I am sure and you have much knowledge to share. People do drift apart after tragedies. They can't identify, or they do not want to be reminded. I am sorry about your youngest dd. I went through that with my dd.
I joined to get reinforced in distancing and detaching from my personality disordered mother and sister, this being particularly difficult as I am POA medical and financial for mother. I am so grateful for the support I received and still do. It has made a positive difference in my life. I also get to moan about the limitations and pains (in every sense) of my CFS/FM, share significant events, and get advice about managing challenges, of which there are many.
Missing posters - hope some of you check in once in a while.
Take care all and do something good for you.
Many people you feel you have been close to after a tragedy simple don't want to be around that person because it brings up so many bad memories.
My youngest daughter went through a bitter divorce as had her best friend, Best friend has come out the other side remarried and had another baby whereas DD is still fighting over child custody and support. BF told DD she just did not want to hear DD's difficulties because they brought back such bad memories for her. They have since drifted apart and rarely talk to each other. last time DD was in the area she did not even want to visit BF.
Some people I think join because they have a specific question and when they get the answer off they go. Then there are the Trolls--------------------