The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Dori - hope you are getting better and your mum is doing as well as possible.

Saw the condo again and, this time, realised it was owned by smokers and frankly, it stinks. Maybe my sinuses were stuffed last time. Other than that it is OK. R did a quick estimate of what it would cost to replace carpet, repaint walls and ceiling, wash down cupboards etc to get rid of the smoke and toxins. It is like home 2 years ago all over again. With the renos it would be a nice unit. I think I will write up an offer tomorrow, but much lower than I would have to take into account the renos that are needed. If smokers want it, they would be happy as it is.

Tired, gut still a little off. We will stay one more day as R has things to do and I will rebook my appointment with the bank to give me time to rest up from the trip back.

No more news from mother. I will take it that no news is good news.

I should add that my head feels like it is filled with cotton wool. Not the best time to be making big decisions.

Take care all.

dori - I think your mum is fine. Sharyn and the others are right. Take care of you.

Mother's 106th today, and I am in the hotel with a milder version of what Dori has, I think - some dizziness and gut upset. It started in the bus depot yesterday with feeling very tired, then gut rumblings. What do you do when you have too much luggage to make a dash for the ladies room? It passed by the time to line up for the security inspection. Then I had another wave, and felt very woozy when I heaved my luggage, so I took an imodium and felt fine the rest of the day. However, this morning was another matter, and there was no way I could go anywhere. Slept and feel better this evening.

Sis's hub sent a pic of mother who is now looking and acting like her old self, was able to hold a glass of milk and drink it, have a little conversation, and enjoy their visit. He said it was a good improvement, so I am wondering if they started the risperidone already. It so helps her BPD.

Appointment tomorrow to view the condo again and write up an offer. Back home the next day. It has been very good for me to get away. I highly recommend it.

Dori, relax and rest. Most of us have experienced not being able to caregive due to illness. I went 6 weeks because of sciatica. I couldn’t sit or stand, it was so painful. Your mom is in good hands at the hospital.

Thanks again everyone.....

I just phoned the nurses station to check in on mom and they said she's about the same. They didn't tell me when she's being discharged and I didn't ask! I told them that I'm too sick to drive to visit mom today, so to tell her I love her and miss her and that I taped the royal wedding for her.  (She'll like hearing that, because it will confirm that I'm bringing her home eventually!) 

I actually do miss her! I was missing her last night. Maybe it's partly because I'm at her place. I slept 9 hours after I went to bed. Best guy friend asked me last night if I wanted to go out for Indian food this evening, since I'm actually able to go out on buffet night, but I'm not sure I'm up to stuffing my face. He said he'd phone at 4 and see how I feel.

book - We are on public health here in Canada, so no insurance organizations to worry about. But it's also why it's harder to get services sometimes, as the resources are finite and prioritized based on need (and how hard you agitate). And yes I'm in regular touch with the renal unit social worker - it's just that it's a long weekend here (Victoria Day tomorrow), so I can't talk to her until Tuesday.

cwillie - I think the long weekend is contributing to my guilt about it, too! I'd hate to be thought of as a person who wanted her mother out of the way so I could "enjoy" the long weekend. It's sunny and warm, but so far, I've only left the apartment to take mom her things! Probably the most I'll get up to today is running the robot vacuum and sitting in front of the TV folding the 4 baskets of laundry I haven't been able to get to folding....

Dori, if you were feeling any negative vibes from the nurses it wasn't because they thought you should take her home - at least not directly. In my experiences with hospitals through the years I know they try extra hard to send everyone home on holidays because they are not immune to staffing issues that inevitably crop up (the holiday flu). Not your fault, not your problem.

Book, that is a great idea! So great in fact I am copying it and posting to the new website comment page. If you have not seen it.....
https://www.agingcare.com/discussions/All-members-are-invited-to-try-the-new-AgingCare-438344.htm

I was just posting a message on Dori's wall. I was staring at the HUG avatars. Wouldn't it be great if the AC people can come up with an avatar that has a cartoon figure or an animal snoozing with the 'zzzzz' written around it? Then we can send exhausted caregivers this Sleeping Hug that we wish they would get the zzzzs (sleeps)????

Dori, I've been on both sides of the aisle. I was really sick - severe stomach pains, dizziness, weakness, couldn't bend over bedridden mom because it made the pains worse. And I was finally able to change mom's pamper - an hour later. What usually took me 20 minutes, took me an hour. I had to keep stopping to work thru the pain, exhaustion, etc...

And then there was the times dad ended up hospitalized. I stayed home after work and in the weekends. I only visited dad for about 10 minutes. Couldn't stay too long because he was verbally abusive to me when he's in the hospital. I felt guilty that I stayed home while he was in the hospital. I think you really do need to stay home and try to rest. Your body - physically, mentally, and emotionally seems to be crashing.

I think it's very important that you try to catch your mom's doctor who's visiting her while in the hospital. That is the doctor who will help to release your mom in 3 days (most insurance prefer you don't stay longer than 3 days) or send her to respite place so that you can have respite.

OR, go and find the hospital's social worker. The social worker helped soooo much when my mom and dad were hospitalized. She knew who to contact for wheelchairs, hospital beds, etc... I think every hospital has a social worker. I'm not sure what they're called in your area, though.

P.S.... when I went to the ER, I wrote down on the log sheet on reasons for visit: lower left abdominal pain... The man with the bleeding finger who came in after me was seen first. Then I was bumped up on the list after him. I heard a lot of grumbling from those on the waiting room on why I had to be seen before them - who was there for hours....

Thanks you guys.....

This is what my anxiety looks like. *sigh*

I am heading to bed. Sort of fell asleep on the couch awhile ago, re-binging the last season of Westworld. Which is a surprise, because it's one of those shows where trying to catch all the clues fascinates me, even on the re-watch. I guess I am still pretty sick then. Blech.

Hugs, dori

Tomorrow is Sunday - let the answering machine screen the calls

Dori, I’m so sorry that you are feeling bad and that your mom is in the hospital. Pam is right - you want a hospital overnight tell them you have chest pain, maybe a little left arm pain. They always buy that in the ER. Take care and get well.

Dori-(HUG) it's going to be okay. Maybe tomorrow Dr. will say she needs to stay a couple of days longer. Try and wait and see before you get even more stressed.
Don't worry about people judging.People are always going to judge when they are unfamiliar with a situation. You are and have been a very good caregiver.
No one's judging here. We support what you need to do, and we all want you to get better. But wait and see what Dr. says, and then go from there.

Dori, for now, you know that they are keeping her at least for tonight, despite what the Nurses feel or say. Go home, get as much rest as you possibly can, and deal with tomorrow as it comes. It Is hard to turn off your brain, try some Tylenol PM, that ought to knock you out for a good 8 hours or so. Deal with the rest, After some rest. The hospital will take good care of Mom for one more night, NO GUILT!!! It will all work out in the wash!

Dori, just try to get some rest. The stress you are feeling from this situation is not helping you to get better. Turn off your brain, turn on some relaxing music and just try to zone out. The more rest you get the sooner you will feel better. Don't you wish the brain had a switch? I sure did many times. Probably would have used that switch more on my mom than I would have for myself.😉

That's a fair question, glad, but I don't think so. I would've given up during that heinous wait in the ER if that were the case. I just want to make sure mom stays in my care, and I've not been down this road before, of admitting I can't do it, even temporarily. I don't really know what to expect.

Dori, if you are ill you cannot take care of mom. Ask for respite until you are better. They will not, or should not, attempt to gain guardianship because you are sick. Could those thoughts be because you are searching for a reason to give in and bring her home in spite of you knowing you cannot take care of her?

So I went to the hospital to take mom a few things (robe, toothbrush, glasses, etc) and magazines. She is on a medical ward, but luckily has a little corner "room" with 3 and 1/2 walls, a curtain, and no roommates or neighbours, which is close to what she'd want if she actually had the choice.  (Would be better with 4 walls and a door, but it will do.) I didn't stay because I don't know if I'm contagious and there are SO MANY vulnerable elderly people on that ward! (The ward is just called "medical" - I don't even know what that means.)

I FELT SO GUILTY THOUGH!!!! Mom was breathing shallow, she said it was the shock. And her eyes were huge. I reassured her I was NOT abandoning her. And then the nurses were all frowny and I felt like they were judging me.

So this is my fear. I feel like I NEED to say it's an unsafe discharge. I am so dizzy, I still don't think I should be driving. I can't bend forward. I can't see my doctor, or any doctor, till Tuesday at the earliest, because it's a long weekend - unless I go through another 8 hours at the ER. I can't even bear the thought - nevermind that it's not really an emergency on my part.  Mom's already fallen once today, apparently.  What if that happened at home?  She fell twice yesterday.  If I try to pick her up and I fall too, then what? 

But then I'm afraid if I say I can't look after her, someone will come along and take guardianship of her. Is that a thing? Does that ever happen? I don't want to have to deal with all of that! It would be a total nightmare. I don't want her to end up in a home or have other people making decisions about her care.  I've been a good caregiver, I just need a break to get better!

And yeah, because it's a long weekend, I can't even get in touch with the social worker or anybody about respite or anything like that.  So if they try to discharge her tomorrow, I either bring her home or refuse. And then what? If there is a problem, I can't do anything about ANYTHING till Tuesday at the earliest.

Dori, sorry to hear about your illness, and now that of your Moms! Definitely claim that she is an Unsafe Discharge, and a vulnerable adult with no caregiver at home until you are feeling Much better! Perhaps you can have her placed for a short stay in rehab, call it Respite, as it sounds like you really need it! You definitely have my prayer's in the Winning of that Mustang Convertible, you Truly Deserve It!

Glad, so excited for you, now that things are picking up on the building of your new home! I am really enjoying our private chats on FB messenger, hearing all about the house plans and the choosing of your interiors! Save me a spot in one of the guest rooms when it is all complete, as I would Love to see it (and you too of course), when it is All Done!

Hiya Sharyn, hope all is going well with your new home and gardening!

Love to All!

Dori, my husband is a Convertible car Nut, and we've always had one or another during our 34 years together, several Mustang's, a Jeep Wrangler (mine), and we once had a 1966 Pontiac Bonneville Convertible, Which my husband bought off the side of the road for 400 bucks, rusty, tattered top, but New engine and transmission, but he had to have it, and had every intention of restoring to her original condition, and that he did, but not before having to build a 2 car garage for it in the backyard of our first house.

Now That car was a beast at 22 feet long! It took 4 parts cars to get all of the Chrome pieces and interior parts, all of which had to be reupholstered and
re-chromed! He painted it a beautiful robins egg blue, not an original color, but Man did it ever get the looks and hollers! We enjoyed the heck out of that car, but he ultimately sold it, so that we could house my FIL's car, a 78 Cadillac Convertible, when he moved in with us, as we also had a 79 Corvette Convertible that we bought when we got married and still own, and didn't have the room for all 3. I Loved that big car, it was like driving a boat, while sitting on a big comfortable couch! Good luck in the drawing!

CM, Lol, I doubt many people have ever heard of a Lucky Dip! I only know because my Welsh Mom used to speak of them from her childhood, at the community functions or the like. I recall her calling them the Penny Lucky Dip, although perhaps that was just a sign of the era she was from, the 30's. I think they call them grab bags here, but didn't you have to reach into a barrel or something? My Mom had a great memory and childhood, despite the war and being very poor, like everyone else. She shared many stories from her youth with us, and interestingly, I am the one who remembers all her tales, my sisters don't recall sh#t! All the little ditty's she used to sing, they can't remember any of them, until I start singing them, it's nuts, and they don't have dementia, yet!

Golden, I'm so sorry that you are having difficulties with your Mum! I'm sure that seeing her deterioration year to year is very difficult, but she is probability quite happy most of the time! You girls may be triggering that little bit of memory she has left, and she's sad to see you go, or perhaps she has regrets, that she cannot quite capture and voice. Dementia is such a sad disease, and your Mum's advanced age (106 Wow!) has certainty outlived her brain capacity. I pray that God is merciful, and brings her home soon. She is definitely an anomaly, as kids in their 80's shouldn't still be caring for their parent's, krimminy! My thoughts are with you Sweetie, and I'm very excited to hear about your Condo plans, I hope everything works out for you two!

Hello to everyone, hope you are all enjoying the Springtime, and got to see a bit of the Royal Wedding today, What a magnificent extravaganza to be sure! I was up watching it in the middle of the night, and then had some crazy vivid dreams about it when I finally fell asleep early this morning. Nothing like transporting yourself into that luxury, and then waking back up into mediocracy! Lol!

Dori UNSAFE DISCHARGE.

Thanks Pam, I'll remember that.

I've read a few posts on here where people just said, "There's no one at home to take care of my loved one." I think if they try to release mom tomorrow, I am going to say that. "There's no one capable of taking care of her at home until I'm better."  Or just, "I can't take care of her and there's no one else."  She's palliative with renal failure, she has dementia, and she can't walk more than a few steps.  She cannot look after herself on her own, period.

I know I am a little better, BUT....I just took a shower and when I bent over to wrap the towel around my head....yep, still dizzy. How am I supposed to change mom's bed, change her Depends, transfer her to her wheelchair, pick her up when she falls, etc., if I can't even bend over a little bit?

I will tell you a tip.. claim chest pain.. Broke your fingernail,, chest pain,, you get it. I could not do this as I work in an inner city hospital, and my fall was witnessed.. and I really did feel OK, just sore. Mostly I just wanted to go home for the night..LOL
I do know what you mean,, once I took my BFFs hubs to our hospital for a follow up,, and some lovely Saudi prince was wheeled in with his bodyguards,, We were on outpatient so not an emergency for the prince.. but after 3 hours Our apt got cancelled/rescheduled because of this. Sort of left a bad feeling ... we drove over an hour, and he's a veteran .. but we got bumped....

pam - That's crazy! I have to say, the longest I've ever waited in our ER is 9 hours, but it felt longer because I was in agony with a kidney stone and throwing up from an infection.

What made me kind of mad at one point is....a couple of prison guards brought in a red jump-suited prisoner, whose face looked pretty beaten up....and they got in in under an hour! Ok, criminals have a right to health care, too....but seriously, he's in jail for a crime, he got in a fight, and he gets in 8x faster than my geriatric mom who's paid decades worth of taxes for her health care???? That was when I settled my butt permanently in the chair and said to myself, "Mom is NOT coming home tonight." Lol!

Dori I hope they keep her,, get your rest! I know what you mean about the waits at the ER . I work in a large hospital, and fell in a pts room this week ( tangled up in IV tubing during an emergency) even for me , an employee,, the wait would have been 14 HOURS !! I was told to go home and go to an Urgent Care, or come to Onc Health in the morning.. I chose to come back!
And book..you are a great Aunt! to share that discount

Thinking of you Golden. ((hugs))

(((((golden)))))

Well....I am still not well, mom started throwing up (all over the bed) Thursday, and wouldn't even wake up to take her pills that evening, and she is now in the hospital. The ER doc said the xray showed "a bit of pneumonia on one side" but I don't think it's too serious. Basically when I picked mom up from dialysis Friday, the nurse who brought her out to me asked if I could manage on my own while I was sick. Well, I couldn't even get mom into the car on my own. She'd fallen twice in the morning and I could barely pick her up, and I kept thinking about how quickly the apartment had fallen into chaos since I got sick (I could barely keep up on the laundry - everything is washed, but it's still all unfolded in 4 baskets on the dining table....everything else is kind of a mess). So I said no. The nurse said to take mom to the ER. So that's what I did. I think the doc was looking for things just to give me a break to get better!

I got home at 2 AM and I slept for 11 hours. I just got up. The "outpatient coordinator" or whatever she's called tried to phone me at 9:30, but I didn't even answer. (I just looked at the phone and thought, "Give me a break, I haven't even had a chance to get 8 hours sleep.")  She just phoned again to start "preparing" for mom's discharge. I'm like....urgh. I can't even think about that right now. I just told her flat out, I'm sick and I can't care for her yet. I'm hoping they keep her till Tuesday at least. Monday after dialysis seems more likely. Hopefully not tomorrow! The lady I talked to said the doc would go see her tomorrow, but we'll see what he says. The ER nurse and doctor were pretty sympathetic to me, so I think they'll try to keep her at least a few days.

We wound up waiting 8 hours to see a doctor! It was pretty busy, but part of me also wonders if they were keeping me waiting to see how serious I was about not bringing her home yet. I almost gave up a few times - the chairs were awful, I could barely keep my head up, and mom was getting antsy and difficult. But oddly enough, the longer I had to wait, the more stubborn I felt about it. The good thing is, I'm a musician and I can make myself stay up quite late if I have to - I've had plenty of gigs where I don't even get home till 4 or 5 AM. They had no idea who they were dealing with, lol.

dori - sorry, Good LUCK!

bettina - Solid self care and boundaries - amen to that. Glad you did get on when you did.

glad - Thx for the reminder. I remember thinking mother would not reach her 104th birthday and here she is at 106. However, her colour is not as good and her breathing is a little laboured, and that combined with decreased appetite says to me she has seriously declined. Nonetheless, she ate her ice cream treat very readily and asked for more, so the appetite is not entirely gone. So happy for you that the HOA approval came through. Exciting!!! I know there is lots of dysfunction going on!

book - family stuff - ugh!!! That was a great discount for bringing in customers. I have to weed out my jewellery drastically for moving. A lot of it is costume and just sits in the chest. Glad you got to help with the wedding dress - fun!

Thinking about my sis. I sent her and her hub an update about mother. I suspect I will eventually get it in the neck from her no matter what I do or don't do. She supported mother in not taking her antipsychotic a few years ago, which made a difficult situation more difficult, so I didn't get specific but just said that the dr would try to help level out mother's emotions. Sis is putting on a good act for her new hub - this newfound "warmth". I have no illusions that it is any kind of change in her, but it does make being around her easier. Her pattern is to be very nice to me to suck me in, then suddenly turn and strike. She can be extraordinarily nasty.

Said goodbye to son yesterday. He looks more relaxed now that he has a job offer. 😊 I miss him and being closer will be good. R, on the other hand, is suffering from his lack of work.

Wrestling with a bit of teary-ness - wish I could have a good meltdown and get it over and done with. I have booked a late check out here as the bus doesn't leave till 4. It is a VERY basic motel, but cheap, clean and the staff are very pleasant and helpful. The location is near my son's and there are good restaurants closeby, so I may come here again. It will be good to get back to my home from home, the evac hotel, and then back home in a few days. I am tired but holding up.

Take care fo you all -

I felt hurt when fave niece decided to marry and I was not included as someone to help share with her in choosing her wedding dress, despite her yearly "happy mother's day" texts... Family background. When fave sis had her 2 daughters, she obviously showed her favoritism to her younger daughter. The older daughter kept trying and trying to get her mom's attention. Instead, sis would scream and yell at her. Only when I found this site, I realized that her younger daughter was the golden child. She can do no wrong. And if she did, her older sister got punished for it. Anyway, at the time her girls were toddlers growing up, sis always showed her favoritism to the younger daughter (nurse niece). So, I stepped in and was there for the older daughter (fave niece). So, younger daughter and I were never really close. She didn't like reading books. She didn't like fantasy movies (Lord of the Ring, Narnia) and space movies (Star Wars, etc..) Yet, older daughter and I shared a lot in common... Yet, when older daughter (fave niece) got married, I was hurt that she didn't invite me to help her choose her dress.

Today, fave sis, nurse niece and her 2 young daughters & I went jewelry shopping. I went to my favorite jewelry store that I bring all my off-island siblings and in-laws when they visit home. Last year, baby sis made me realize that this store gives discount on top of the discount because I bring them customers throughout the years. 

Today, nurse niece put in layaway her wedding ring. It was $6000-some. Because she was with me, the discount on top of the discount - ended up with about $4500.00. And he even threw in the groom's matching wedding band. Niece was so happy.... Plus fave sis and I bought 4 sets of necklace/pendants + earrings for total of $930.00 (original discount was $1030.00.) But, because I've been bringing so many people to their store for over 20 years, they gave a discount on top of the discount. Sis is bringing 2 sets of the necklace + earrings for her grandkids who moved to Texas. These jewelry are island-style pendants with bamboo trimming (for girls) and a fish hook (for boy)= with coconut tree inside, sail boat on the ocean.

Then, we had lunch at a hotel restaurant. Then... I'm so touched. We went to help nurse niece choose a wedding dress! The first dress she liked. But I didn't care for it. It was too plain. Sweetheart neckline, tapered to her upper waist, and A-line flowed bottom gown. But, I remembered watching Say Yes to the Dress and how irritated I was that no one cared that the bride liked the first dress. So, I felt bad. I asked niece that since she likes the 1st dress, can ... can we do something to the very bland (non-existent if you ask me!) belt? So, niece asked if she can try the dress again, and can we change the belt? Ohhhhh... what a difference a glittery front belt makes! I gasped. I couldn't believe how much that plain dress became so beautiful! The glittery belt also made the tiny glitters of the bottom gown pop out more. We put on the veil with tiny glittery beading on the edge. Perfect! And we got all of it for only $600-some!... I'm invited to the wedding!!! =)

Book, I agree with golden. You were in the trenches of caregiving for so long I would be more surprised if your hair weren't gray. HA! Made me think of someone I dated for a very short period of time in high school. He was practically bald, at 17. That was before kids started shaving their heads. 😝

Golden, you may be right, you probably are. Though, on the other hand didn't you think two years ago would be mom's last? I can't believe how she just keeps going. Thinking of you and an exciting move for you! Happy to hear son found work. It is very hard once we get to be in our 50's and older. I am so happy to be working, in a much smaller town, don't miss shopping one little bit.

Finally got HOA approval today for new house. So maybe concrete basement by end of month. Even better than a hole in the ground. It is raining, pouring, thundering, hopefully not getting too wet to dig that hole. We are under a flood watch.

I am not posting much but read every day. You all have not been very communicative for the last week or so. Come on, there has got to be more dysfunction going on!

Caregiving + dysfunction = rapid aging . The good news is that once I started
taking better care of myself and put some stronger boundaries in between
myself and all the dysfunctional craziness, I started to both feel and look better.

Solid self care and boundaries are where it's at. Wish I'd gotten on board sooner.