notrydoyoda Posted January 2012
The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?
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We have the youth gene on mother's side too, though there were a few very long lived in my father's side too.
Dd looked it up and said that 1/3 of longevity is genes and 2/3 is lifestyle. Caregiving sure doesn't help and you did it so intensely for so long.
I’m only in my early 50’s, but I still get shocked when I see how much people have aged. When I mentioned to an aunty that I was 5 yrs younger than deceased cousin, she couldn’t believe it. I still can’t see why people think I look like a teenager with my gray hair. I think it runs in the family. When my 1st cousin died, I saw my relatives. My blood kins still look young. Their spouses have aged accordingly. That’s when I realized our youthful genes are from my mom’s side of the family... But stress, illnesses, lifestyles can age us. Caregiving gave me lots of gray hair prematurely!
He was a fountain of knowledge on alternative healings and gladly shared it with everyone... sigh... The hospital doctor thought my dad was a doctor, too...
Nonetheless, this is a sign that we are nearing the end of the "long goodbye". How near is anyone's guess. The condo will come in handy.
I mentioned the agitation and change in personality, so the doctor will see her and review meds next week. I hope they can help her.
Good lick Dori
I want a marigold yellow sports car -Jaguar maybe. though they probably aren't made in yellow.
Thought the shower this morning might work, but it didn't. Haven't had that big cry yet.
Had lunch with my girlfriend yesterday and that was another shocker. She has aged a lot too. She has always been heavy, with short periods of losing weight but not being able to keep it off. 2 stomach procedures and various diets haven't done it. I think it is telling on her health and certainly is on her appearance. Maybe I will wake up next year looking 10 years older...
The good news is that, finally, my oldest son has landed a job after a big hiatus. He has another offer dangling so will wait to see what happens there. I am happy for him.
It has been good to get away and see family and friend again. When I return I have to put on my big girl panties and prepare for the move. I am focussing on the benefits of better weather, a smaller place requiring less care, proximity to a large city and some new/renewed friends. Did anyone say shopping"? I look forward to it all.
Meanwhile my heart is heavy for mother. Waiting for a call from the community worker regarding mother's meds. Surely there is something that can be done. She is miserable.
Sharyn, thank you. I have to mention I have always throught your name is pretty. I think its think the spelling. Yes the therapy is a little draining. Its good. My first time so I am going all the way with it. Sorry to hear about your cousins.
Stacey, I will keep your advice in mind as I care for my mother. There are times I break down with that image of my vibrant energetic mother in my head and how even if we were rocky I want her back, I want her forever. Life.
Becky I hope you are recovering from the attacks and courts case ok. I hope things worked out and that woman is under the jail.
Yes my theray is going well. After writing this vulnerable letter to my sister I sought of refused to let my self be vulnerable and give it to her. I realize how she and my mother are well aware of my weaknesses and have been playing me like a violin for a long time. As much as I long for what I thought we had I know that is not possible. My sister has whatever it is my mother had and she is prone to acting strange when she gets stressed. It does bother me to see her looking like she is stress though. Maybe the reality about my mother is sinking in. I cried like a baby many years ago when i saw the first deterioration in my mother. But my own psychosis wont let me play her fool anymore.
Im off line for a few days. I am a little overwhelmed between taking these extra shifts and medical appointments. I keep missing a call from radiology. I know the woman did a repeat of the pelvic sonogram of course they cant say anything but I asked anyway she says another view of a fibroid. I guess the other test were okay. I havent heard from anyone or gotten any letters (yet). My annual physical will be in a few weeks. I am just plain old tired of just about any and everything about now.
Also let me share, I got a text about how cold water is not good for us. We should drink tepid or warm water. and OHHHH how I love my iced water day and night. It casues constriction of the blood vessels, thus affecting heart and blood pressuree, digestion. I also read how Papaya seeds are good for us in many ways, So I went and got one today. I love the taste of the seeds, they say to start slow with a few seeds a week and increase but not to much as the seeds have small amount of cyanide , as most fruit seeds do. They have the taste of the green hot paste, I cant think wasabi? only not the heat. Maybe a little,
Well, rays of love light and peace to you all.
I also got this in a text.
Hugging is good medicine. it transfers energy and gives an emotional lift. You need 4 hugs per day for survival. 8 for maintenance and 12 for growth. Hugging is a great form of communication because it can say things you dont always have the words for. The nicest thing about a hug is that you cant give one without getting one.
I must add a smile comes with the package!!!! :)
Funny you are all talking about convertibles....the local Crime Stoppers just started a raffle this week for a bright yellow 2017 Mustang convertible. (Because OF COURSE a Crime Stoppers prize car would be yellow....good luck not getting caught speeding in that!) Anyway, dad always wanted a Mustang convertible (a red one, but I'm sure he would've sucked it up for a yellow one!), so I bought myself 4 tix. I always think I have no luck at that kind of stuff, so I hardly ever buy tix for anything. But last year a friend of mine won the local Dream Home, so.....only 12,000 tix on the Mustang, fingers crossed for me please! Lol.
thx Becky - 106 on May 20. We pretended it was last weekend and I am not sure that she understood even that.
sharyn -sounds like you had a good day yesterday, Great that you connected with your cousins
I am still in a little shock over sis and mother. Sis due to the TIA and more aged appearance. Sis also because I saw her hug mother for the first time. Her new hub is a hugger and it has rubbed off. She is a bit of a chameleon.
It is distressing me quite a lot that mother is as she is now, She was obviously in emotional pain and has taken a step down in all ways. For years now she has always said, "Thank you for coming." as we left. This time she glared and repeated only one word "False, false, false!" She may have had some sort of vascular event progressing her disease further, or it may be due to removing the antipsychotic or a combo of both. I am disappointed that I haven't been informed of the changes and will speak to the community nurse about adjusting meds - maybe more antidepressant or adding the risperdal back in again. I would rather see her sleeping more than in this emotional pain. Then I also need to go through her clothing and weed out what isn't her's.
Talked with sis about funeral arrangements for mother and she feels the simpler the better and I agree. There will be few people interested in going, We will have a cremation and then later inter the ashes with my father's near our old home town down east after a memorial service in our old church - TBA when it works best for everyone.
I hope it is not too much longer for her. Her quality of life is so poor. I need a good cry.
Had a nice supper with oldest son, though I zoned out a few times from fatigue and having my mind on other things. He tends to get into pretty intense conversation. Today I will arrange to meet with a girlfriend. My room reservation got botched, so I will return Sat and to the north a few days later after having written up an offer on the condo. Then meet with the bank a few days later and my counsellor. Too much happening!!!
Have a good day everyone
Golden, I’m happy to hear everything went well with your sis. It’s sad about the TIA’s. Sounds like she may be following in mom’s footsteps health wise. Your plans to move, getting a condo sound great, getting away from the colder winters.
Glad, you will enjoy your new home and planning your garden, I’m sure you can’t wait!
Duck, I’m glad to hear you are comfortable with therapy. It is hard work and tiring. I always came home and slept 2 hours after a session.
It was good to read the posts regarding Mother’s Day gatherings. No big dramas and just relax.
Hubs made beef stew for dd and me. Dd’s Hubby was working and I worked the am shift.
I’ve made contact with 2 cousins in Ireland via Facebook. I found out the cousin I met and wrote letters to passed away in 2001 from falling down stairs banging her head, she was 43. My 2nd cousin, a female who is much more talkative with me, has 2 children ages 15 and 9. Both are girls and have Aspergers. More proof of a genetic link.
Just hanging out at home today, watering the garden and painting an old wood chair with black chalk paint then I’ll use liming wax on it.
Hope everyone’s week is good with pleasant weather.
So each and every session I truly learn something knew that explains a little chip away at something I am going through. I am trying to give my all because I want to get something, some help. its very tiresome becasue I go on the morning after my third striagt 12hr shift, and with these medical apts. It was getting very tiresome and I had let the question of is this really helping me find its way in. I get an aha moment a lot. and I am leaving now to do this assingment expressing to my sister how sad I am and how I would like things to be or something. At first I refused saying she will not read it , and how I really and truly cant see us in anyking of realtionship becuase I have lost my trust and respect. He says for me to say nothing negative. Just how sad I am be vulneralble. Have I ever been vulnerable with my sister things like that.
I have writtien her, hand delivered letters, about us the way things are. She had denied it. I guess I can do this one more time teacher. ?#$%@
Then, my neighbor and girlfriend is going through losing her son to stomach ca. He is in another state.
My cousin has had her new chemo therapy IV only once. Every time she goes she needs a transfusion. They were treating her because her blood markers are increasing even though they have not found a new ca.
I am at a loss for words about how ca seems to be on a rampage and how so many young people have been getting diagnosed.
I extended rays of light and energy towards the happiness , peace and love for us all.
I have a hell of a lot of catching up to do and even if I am not signing in daily I am with you all in spirit and heart.
Golden sorry to hear about your mother during your last visit. I think its great you and your sister gwot together and her happy marriage gives me more hope of seeing myself truely in love being loved and happily married one of these ole days :)!
Glad, there was a Bonneville in the oldsmobile line I believe. Anyways my uncle had one. I am a car lover also. I think the convertibles are bad asses. My grandfather used to have one and oh boy it was nice in the summer with him telling that tale of two blind men fighting back to back
I myself am still hanging in there. Same drama just different day. I often dwell on why I dont come on line as much because this was such a life line for me and still is.
I keep thinking its because I am in a stage of flux. I learned about who my mother and sister is, still learning who I am as I still find it hard to accept somethings. I still want things to be right and I know deep in my heart they will never be with my sister or my mother if she were in her right state of mind. It still hurts to see her dwindle away mentally, it also hurts to see the mean selfish spirit she had come through. Although most of the time she is sweet and pleasant.
It bothers me when she does not eat. Shoot~!!!! everything bothers me. I just went through this spell of not cleaning or mopping dog poop and pee. My mother gets it up sometimes. But no one lays the chucks down after cleaning but me so lots of times there are puddles of pea and it does something to my psyche to see and walk past this in the house. I feel ridiculous when I get to the point that if my twisted can walk past it so can I. I think its part of my complex of being cinderella and the maid. As time has gone on and even now I just cant seem to kick the memories of past sabbatoge from my sister and my mother and what really confuses me is that I allow an underlying question of wheter or not it was all intentional and how deep and twisted it is to treat a person with any kind of malice.
My twisted doesnt look so hot to me lately. I dont think I do either for that matter I think I am looking a little better. My sleep was always poor but with haveing to drink the golyetly and back and forth to the toilet and then sleepless nights before that had me looking really tired. I was feeling like I have to get a grip.
Anyways I have been running into my twisted a lot lately. She looks unsettleds s almost unconsciously a few times when we have past in the street. I am just saying I notice anxiety in her face and she has those skin allergies and asthma where the turmoil shows in her skin.
Anyway I kind of broke down in my therapy session last week about how sad I feel that we dont speak. My reality is accepted. I dont trust her, and I dont really have much left for her in my heart. But goodness, when I see kids, any sibblings together, old young no matter what I wish I had that. I wish we two could take my mother for a walk and things like that.
So Mothers day bought up a lot of sadness for me for a moment. I had been missing my girlfriend who passed also. Because I could share these feelings with her and get good real feedback, a reality check in one way or another. So guess what I dreamt about her. Next day all that was uplifted. It felt so good to be back with her the way we used to be. Anyway what ever and everything we had was in that dream and I woke up feeling happy and so much better after having a good time with her. My dreams come true sometimes, and in this one I was buying a house in NJ which is her state and she was like why you spending so much money. then I had moved and she was stopping by after work then I was going to her job the next day for some function. Anyways its was good.
I think I was a little depressed about my cooking situation. I am so used to baking a chicken, ham, ribs , mac n cheese, collards and sweet potatoes. Easter, mothers day all the holidays its how i show love. It kind of hurt that my son would give me my sister and mother a gift card or something the same on mothers day and then it would bother me that he made no distinction between us in his gifts. Then how my sisters children never acknowledge me on any-day.. So I thought about that. How I tried cover things up when they could not live t=with there mother or allowed where she lived. While my mother is telling them how their mother has abandoned them. I have to let all this go and try and move on past this. its just hard to love so hard and just be ignored and treated like an outcast when I gave so much of my self. I know I may be sounding like a narcissist myself. I never wanted fame or a pedestal all I ever wanted was to see them all happy I think that is why I did see my mother or twisted for who they really were. And with that being my sole purpose, it hurts to see my family the way it is. Not to mention me reliving my little nephew coming downstairs telling me how my sister told his mother and her son not to give me or my mother anything for mothers day and wondering if my sister remembers these things she has said and done.
So I have all these memories. Seems Im the only one. How do i let go and move on!?
OK, so I do have something good to share, I finally put in for my passport. By the time it comes in I will be finished with all my test. (Complete physical) mamo, endo, colo, sono, etc.... get my clean bill of health and as soon as that books hits my mailbox I will be making my reservations to see my son in Korea. It looks like its about to finally happen!
Rays of love peace and happiness to you all!
Golden, Sounds like your plans are going well. Sorry to hear your Mum has declined. But 106 is so remarkable.
I did my first two LTC Medicaid applications today. Fairly straightforward applications. Did the required checklists. Copied all of the required bank statements, other income and asset stuff. I think Maine makes it easy. Plus, the individuals are definitely in need. No hiding assets. Nothing to hide.
Saw mother yesterday and she has deteriorated. Her colour is not as good, and her breathing is more laboured. They do not care for her appearance as well as the last place. She needs a hair trim and it didn't look like anyone had combed her hair. She was wearing a top I have never seen before -wasn't hers and didn't suit her. She cried a lot at different times,so her emotional regulation is not as good which probably is due to more mini strokes/ blood vessel deterioration. However she was her true self and was mean when we left. Sigh!
Had a good supper with sis and new hub. She is taking on some of his qualities which is nice. We talked about pre planning/pre purchasing a funeral for mother which I hope to do this summer. Sis had a TIA in December and is on some meds to prevent another It may be part if what it making her look older. She tires more easily now. It is a wake up call for me to avoid/manage stress better.
Tired today and resting. Tomorrow bright and early I will take the bus south to visit oldest son and return here next weekend, then R and I will drive north again. I need to see my bank and make an offer on the condo.
take care all
Everything is going well in my world, busy with yard clean up and spring planting, and of course the ever evolving home renovations!
Hubby and I are going to our Daughters for dinner tonight (it's a Beautiful Day!!!), where all the kids will be contributing to BBQ prep and Fun, and we will all pop up to Mom and Dad's graveside, to place Lilac's from our garden there as a group. It's nice as the cemetery is only a couple of blocks from Dd's home, I often kid her about wanting to stay close to Grandma (her favorite person ever), but in truth, purchasing their home so close to the cemetery was just a coincidence, although wanting to be in that local was not, it was where she grew up, and they are very happy there!
I am finally feeling better (both mentally and physically), about moving on post care giving (its been Ruff!), and want you all to know that I think of you often, and I do try to keep up on the reading here, even if I don't comment often. The dysfunction is pretty much gone now from our lives, buried with the previous generations, even my hubby does not bring it up very often. He has worked very hard at ending the cycle of dysfunction, although I'm sure he is stuffing his feeling's a lot of the time, he's just not one to constantly wish to speak of the past painful stuff, but only remember the good times, and that's alright by me.
Nearly everything of my FIL's belongings are gone in the home, except for a few pictures, and a couple of small piece's of furniture, it does feel nice to have our home be of our own furnishings and decor, (having previously integrated his things into our things, to make him feel comfortable here all those years), and it's made a huge difference not having the constant reminders. They were definitely triggering negative feelings in me, and it's helped me to move forward, not having the constant reminders all around!
After those 13 long years of having my FIL living here with us (he passed away last Oct), it is Amazing the positive changes in my husband. He is now so up beat and happy, energetic and positive, and a real pleasure to be around most of the time (he is still a man, Lol!)! Care giving is definitely the Hardest thing we've ever been through, and to come out the other side (having cared for all 4 of our parent's til death these past 20+years), is incredibly life changing and difficult in it's own way.
Now we are figuring out who we are as individuals, as a couple, as parents to our now grown children and Grandparents too! It's taking a while, remembering that we are no longer accountable to our elder loved ones, and Free to be whom ever we wish to be, to come and go without restrictions, and to plan our lives as we see fit! It his definitely a journey, and the transition has not always smooth and easy!
With the freedom of no longer being responsible for someone else, is such a strange concept, and it would be easy to move forward too quickly, and make poor decisions, so I recommend to anyone in my same shoes, to take your time and really think things through, or risk spending too freely and unwisely, or selling up, and have regret for things later on.
I know that the intensive and harrowing care giving and then the immediate let down that followed losing my FIL led to some serious health concerns and depression for me, so take your time, and do allow your feelings to come, and address them as best you can, as Boy how this journey does affect our lives from so many aspects!
For me, care giving and the loss and grief that came, one right after the next, and the next, never allowed me to fully grieve the loss of the parent who just passed, so I stuffed it, in self preservation mode, to allow me the strength to care for the next ill parent and their immediate needs, so it wasn't until our last parent died, did I really have the chance to address my own health and feelings, and that is not to mention my husband's health and feeling's to boot! In many ways we have had to deal with our feelings on our own, but it is definitely nice to have a partner to lean on!
Hopefully as time goes on (it's only been 6 months), and we really begin to feel better about things, it is my hope and desire to be of some help, and possibly do some volunteer work with our local Senior Services group that has just opened near our home. I think I know best, the areas where I can be of help, one Senior at a time. I'm not quite there yet, but I do feel a calling to be of service in that arena.
So, HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY to you all! May your day be filled with Fun and Relaxation!!! Remember to take care of yourselves, and know that I am thinking of you all, especially since you've all been so instrumental in my health and happiness all these years! Your help and guidance has been so Helpful to me, THANK YOU ALL, I consider you all my Special Friends!
Love Stace! ❤❤❤
PS: No word from my husband's siblings, but mine are all great, and we still get together often!!!
Had a nice compliment from my dd which was phrased discretely (not)
"Not to diss your face, mum, but from behind you look 30 to 40 years younger than you are."
I"ll take it! Some of mother's Norwegian cousins were like that.
Saw the condo, and it has some good features like a nice big open kitchen. The staircase in the lobby to the second floor is awesome. They have cut down some of the trees that would have been seen from the balcony but there are others still on place. I want to find out if they are going to plant more as they hid the road.
Getting through it. Happy Mother's Day everyone!
Didn't there used to be a car model Bonnieville?
Mom's first car a Studebaker convertible. She was walking into the courthouse to get license plates, forgot to set the parking brake, it started to roll away downhill. Don't remember the end of that story.😝
What would you have done tomorrow if it was just you and mom?
Even if you can't do it tomorrow then make a plan for yourself for another day - a facial, or massage or manicure and a glass of champagne
A movie and lox and bagels
Rent a convertible and go for a drive