The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Hugs, Ali
Good to hear life is calm

thx ali - have PTSD from sis and mum separately. Yes I will get through it and having the new hub and R there helps enormously.

Sounds like you are doing very well. Taking things as they come.Thyroid meds help hugely I know. Content and getting stronger is great!!!!

Aw, Glad, hugs to you. My mom and I often have our different ways of seeing things but I can't imagine her not being around. I sent her a gift certificate to go to a local therapeutic massage school for a massage. I don't think she's ever been for a massage, figured she would enjoy the experience. I'm glad to have her around, even if she drives me batty at times.

Hugs to all of you whose mother's have passed on.  Whether you had a kind, sensible mother, or a dysfunctional one, she was still your mother and there's no replacing that person in our lives, for sure.  (((((hugs)))))

thx glad -106th next weekend,

So understand you not wanting to go. ((((((hugs))))) Wish your kids understood better.

Thinking of all with recent losses -Mother's day is hard.

Good luck, Golden. I know how I dread family visits, family interaction. It's going fine lately but it's knowing how wrong they COULD go, and remembering times when that happened, that sets me on edge. A visit to family is always good for getting my anxiety up a little. I'm sure everything will go just fine, you'll get through it. Keep up your self care.

Speaking of self care, I'm making that topic more of a focus for me lately. I'm at a nice point post-caregiving. The bills are getting paid, the job has had its ups and downs but is stable enough, I'm on thyroid medication for 3 months and that has helped immeasurably to get me over the hump of my worst fatigue and brain fog. I'm working with personal trainer who is so motivational and I'm getting stronger... slowly. And the opportunity presented itself and I started taking an extra day off from work, down to a 5 day workweek from 6 days for the past 4 months. I have a laundry list of personal projects to get to... or I'll just rest more on my days off. Either way, it's a great spot to find myself in, things are comfortable and I'm able to still consider big-picture things such as... am I making a significant career change and what specifically will that look like? (Old topic for me, but still isn't resolved one way or the other.)

Well, just thought I'd check in with all of you. I still read on AC a few times a week. I still like the idea of going for a career in Elder Care, in position of a case manager or biz dev person, but... then I read on here and think I'm not knowledgeable enough, that I don't gravitate naturally to the industry, it just happens to be something I had to learn about due to life circumstances which are now over.

So... who knows. I'm content for now just finding my feet under me, getting stronger, thinking about the next few years and some things I will want to get accomplished. :-) It's all really good stuff. I'm grateful.

Golden have as nice a day tomorrow as you can. And mom's 106th soon isn't it?

Feeling a bit sorry for myself. Last two weekends at son's master graduation and dd#1 award ceremony, state level in her school occupation. Now nephew, one with stroke early last year, graduating with bachelors this week. Party tomorrow at ts1 house. Daughters going. Auntie dearest is there. No thought by my kids that i amy not want to go to ts1. I hate this. I want to spend time with my kids. Every holiday the same damn thing. I wait for invites as I did when my kids were young. My mom never had to wonder if she had plans or where she would be.

I just really do not want to go. Feeling blue first mom's day without mom.😢

The dreaded annual visit with my sis and new hub is tonight for dinner and probably tomorrow, visiting mother. The fire hazard a home is extreme, which makes me nervous after 2016. R got let go from his job -just as well it was so toxic and a set up from the start, and also broke off a front tooth -so we are a bit of a mess. Oh well, by this time tomorrow it will all be over. I am so ready to leave the north with the severe winters and fire hazards in the summer. Add in the mosquitos and the June bugs... There is a story that a motorcyclist was hit square in the middle of the forehead by a June bug and knocked clear off his motorcycle. They bite too and take a chunk out of you.
Wish me luck!

Blackhole-Finally, My mother is going to Mississippi first. Thankfully, I will not be going, then she will be flying from there to Orange County for the conference. I will be flying from Reagan-National to LAX or Orange County. After the conference ends. She will be flying to San Francisco, I will be taking a shuttle to the apartment of the woman I am going out there to see. Then she will be flying back here from San Francisco, and I will fly back from Orange County.

I definitely agree with you about dementia.

SharynMMarie-I know, 'humor my mother'. Her memory is such. That she will tell me one thing, then walk away. This will happen three, or four times in a row.  Before she has told me everything. When I am at my desk, or sitting on the couch is one thing. But she will also do it when I am in the bathroom with the door shut and locked. She will get mad if I don't respond...even when I am in the bathroom. I could be in the middle of taking a shower, but she will still try to have a conversation through the door.

Hubs is home! He brought me lasagna from my favorite Italian restaurant, almonds and walnuts, and Andersen’s Pea soup in the can and also a couple bags of their dry peas with recipe. The nuts are so much cheaper than here in Idaho.

Chris, when my mom had Alzheimer’s, I started treating everything she said and did as though it was Alzheimer’s not her personality disorder. If she lost something, I just said, don’t worry, I do that do. It will sshow up or I would help her look for it. Basically I treated her as somewhat childlike by being compassionate and kind. I found by doing this, she began trusting me, she didn’t irritate me anymore and she calmed down. Of course I wasn’t living with her, but it changed our relationship dramatically.

Countrymouse - you rock. I've been afraid of my mother my whole life! Guardianship is the way to go; and "bite me" is the appropriate response. I needed that from you and appreciate it more than you'll know.

Chris, your demented (as in dementia) mother will get nothing out of a medical conference.

Best case scenario: Fly to SF with Mom. Get her settled @ brother’s. Continue alone to L.A. and Orange County. Then connect with Mom at brother’s, and you 2 fly to back DC together.

If that’s too much for either one of you, then don’t bother. A trip that’s doomed from the start is Not Worth Taking.

Mom keeps “changing her mind” because her mind does not work properly. This is different from your Mom’s lifelong selfish, needy, pain-in-the-butt persona. 

Mom (and by extension, you) just won the booby prize, because Mom’s dementia and her personality disorder now co-exist. THIS is why Mom is extra impossible.

Chris, I encourage you to educate yourself about the different forms of dementia. The tricky, hard-to-interpret early symptoms. And the type of support — a.k.a. alternate care — that’s available for Mom as her needs advance.

As the voice of reason in your family, you need to be fully conscious of the NOW and the FUTURE. Fixating only on Mom’s personality disorder will send you down the wrong path.

Trust me, I know how hard it is to accept the reality of a parent’s diminishing capacity. You spend a lifetime perfecting your strategies for “the devil you know,” then the playbook changes.

And other family members are probably more invested in time-worn complaints than the new reality.

Chris, it’s time to get tough and get real. This is not another installment of the same skirmishes you & Mom have been having since Day One. This is MORE.

I was planning on going out to L.A. from DC, for a medical conference. My mother said she wanted to go. Then after the conference, she would go to San Francisco to visit my brother. While I go to Orange County to spend time again. With a woman I have been talking to, for two years. My mother changed the travel plans.......AGAIN, for the fifth time. She says she is stressed out. Well, It isn't requirement that she go. I don't like change, when it is not me causing it. Her selfishness is getting on my nerves.

Ugh. Furthering my belief that most hospital workers do not understand dementia (or geriatric people for that matter), the woman who booked mom's appointment for a swallowing test today JUST phoned and asked if mom could come in early today. She did this 1 hour and 15 minutes before the scheduled appointment.

Um, no.

I do not think any of these people have tried to get a person with dementia out of bed and dressed and out the door before!

Murph, it is entirely appropriate to pay for this essential service using your mother's money. The service is necessary for her wellbeing and exclusively for her benefit. No problem there. Set up a payment direct from your mother's account to the service provider, I should; you want the paper trail.

Where you do have a problem is that you are allowing your fear of your mother's reaction to interfere with your ability to provide the support that she needs. The only reason that the pill minder issue has become a dilemma at all is that you have already told your mother untruthfully that the the medications service was free of charge. And this kind of thing is only going to get worse and more uncomfortable as your mother requires more and more significant interventions.

Your options are:

find a way to tell mother "bite me, I'm doing it anyway" and defy her to prevent you.

apply for guardianship, so that you obviate the need to obtain her consent to actions that are demonstrably for her benefit. I'm not sure, but others will be, whether you can use your mother's money to pay for a guardianship application - my guess is you probably can, as long as it's necessary to her welfare.

Only you know whether the time has come for you to take a stand on who is in charge of mother's welfare. I know it isn't easy.

Apart from the guilt-provoking thing, is there any form of harm she can threaten you or herself with meaningfully?

Hi everyone. Still on the dysfunctional thread and need advice. Finally hired a person to disburse Mom's meds to her once a day in her senior living apartment and told her it was a free service, just like her cable, heat, and meals (those really are included in her rent). She is fixated on having her pill bottles in her possession but it doesn't work. Me bringing her meds to her everyday doesn't work either, nor does a 7 day pill minder. She is "high functioning" in terms of bathing, dressing, toileting and going down to meals independently - but emotionally she's gone back to the mom I grew up with - unstable, guilt provoking, narcissistic. But my real question is this: I don't have POA but I would like to pay for the med service from her account. I have access to the accounts and would only take out what I pay for the service. As a retired teacher, I honestly don't have the extra $ to pay for it myself and remain comfortable financially. Would love thoughts on this dilemma. Thanks.

My brother should be on the transplant list by end of the week. On average, a match can be available in 4 months.

I read recently regarding dementia and eyesight. The field of vision becomes smaller and one dimensional because the brain cannot process information well. If you see your loved one reaching up as though grabbing something or touching something above them, they may be trying to turn on or off a light and not hallucinating. When they look at the floor, they can’t see if there is step from the carpet to the bare floor as it is one dimensional. This may be why so many are afraid of bathtubs.....it may look bottomless to them. I found this interesting.

Golden, good news moving south! Surprisingly enough, the last few emails from my sis have been pleasant. I’m hoping your visit with your sister is the same or at least limited.

Oh my gosh, I wish I could respond to everyone, but it's midnight and I need to make myself go to bed! So I'll just say that everyone's posts today have been awesome, and thank you!

Pargirl,
LOL!!! Love your posts, thanks regarding “no guilt” and believe me, I don’t feel guilty, only foolish I ever agreed to this to begin with.
Golden, I am listening, promise! I am steadily working on it 👍
Best wishes on your move! ((((hugs)))) Don’t over do it, from one physically challenged gal to another!

Texasgal......One time when I needed to get away (while I was living with my mom and dad after his heart attack) I told my dad I was going to run to Walgreens. I didn't need anything but was just going to waste time and schlub around for a little bit of normalcy and happiness. when I told him I would be back in a little bit, he said well.....I think I will go with you. I need aspirin. (WHAT??!!! NOOOO!!!!) I said DAD....you can't take aspirin!!! You're on blood thinners since your heart attack. He said well.....I might need some??? We had been sequestered in the house for a couple of mos except for drs appts or PT and OT visits. He wanted to get out as much as I did....(I can't imagine that since I had had to deal with my mother's dementia and putting her in a facility, little to no sleep, on top of that living away from my husband and not getting to see my brand new grandson. Sister could not help since she was divorced, worked a long full time job and was raising her grandson). WOW....this was suppose to be a funny story and make you laugh about just wanting to go to a Walgreens by myself. Yes, it is so overwhelming and our lives are not our own anymore. My dad will be 96 in Aug. He lives independently (in a retirement facility so at least he's around people but if anything happens it's on me which is about 80% of the time) but needs to be in ASL. I just had "the talk" with him about it and told him to start chewing on it because it's going to happen. I can't keep this up much longer. The driving alone everyday on Central Expwy is a killer. I've taken care of my in-laws until their passing, my mom with dementia until her passing last summer, helped with my sister's health until her passing a few years ago and on top of that our grown divorced son has been living with us with his 2 young sons 3 to 4 days a week for financial reasons. UNCLE.....I'm done. There should be NO guilt involved in "putting them away" (rainey69). They're brains can't understand anything anymore. I learned so much from the almost 8 years mom was in her facility. Start (where your mom is now) to finish. Soon the facility will be their home and all the aides will be who they know. I tried to to decorate mom's room with some things from her precious house that she just possibly couldn't live without (her words). Every time I would go visit (every day at first (shouldn't have, was hard on both of us) something would be out in the hall. I said mom why did you put that there? She said it wasn't her's. Again....WHAT??? you said you couldn't possibly live without that. Ok, I have gotten waaaay off track here. I was going to answer one post and ended up doing therapy on me again! :)) Just to all the caregivers out there.....please don't feel guilty about putting a person with people that are trained to handle difficult situations. I know I was not and never have been trained to be a Therapist, Doctor, or Nurse. I believe that's why we pay these people to help US. If us as caregivers go down then who will take care of the people we are taking care of? I used to think I could do it all. Younger....yes I tried and did a pretty good job. 12 years later??? I'm dwindling and this isn't what I thought my "retirement" years would look like. AT ALL..... Sorry to have rambled on. I guess I needed this. Good luck and may God Bless you all.

Golden, How exciting a new condo. I agree about furniture placement with an open floor plan. I’m still unpacking boxes. My brother is helping me with Mom’s stuff. Jay refers to her as a high class hoarder with good taste.

blackhole -the waif narcissist. I hear you about the WEIRD!

frazzled - stay strong. I would recommend AL .

rainey - you will never get any positive recognition, You have to be tough and do what is right and safe for her whether she likes it or not. She needs more care and you need a break.

Texas - you don't have to "please" her - just look after her needs.

cmag - I agree - boundaries.

Veronica - yes. I am going to do it! I have started a list of what to take with me. There will not be a lot of boxes, as no basement - just a little storage area. I don't want to clutter up the new place. The place is about 1100 sq ft and open concept which, to me is harder to place furniture in. There is a similar unit next door so I should be able to buy one of them. Dd says she wants my leather sofa set and also the oak dining room set which looks after some of it. I want to buy the condo, replace the carpet with hardwood flooring, then start moving stuff down leaving, enough here to show the place here for sale. Exciting but also emotional leaving a house with so many years of memories. But it is time. The emotions trigger off the FM pain so it is a bit of a journey. I hope that will settle down as I get into the needed work. I have developed a largely telephone relationship with a lady from that area who (with her hub) has just bought a house very near the condo building. She already has plans for lunches out and window shopping which is nice.

Oh well, better start getting moving today. Maybe I can walk off the FM pain.

Oh Golden the big move looms. All I can promise is that it won't be fun. I only had six weeks notice and it caused utter chaos. Now we are here there are stacks and stacks of boxes in the basement waiting to be unpacked.
Most of them i did not personally pack so have not idea what has been downsized!!!!
You sound far more organized than me these days and R is not a flake like my DH.

Texasgal, I understand every word. Nobody ever asks “how are YOU holding up?” Minus some of the wonderul people I have met on this website but nobody in my immediate everyday world. Mom asks sometimes but she will forget 10 minutes later and I think she asks just to try and make conversation. Makes you feel invisible, doesn’t it? I am getting to the point where I just want to hide most of the time, that is the only time I feel somewhat relaxed. I find myself being envious of people working at their jobs because it seems like a “normal life” that I miss very much. Jobs are stressful too but you get to “clock out” and put it behind you for the day. Not the case being the solo caregiver. No vacations, no days off, no concern for your well being.

Texasgal,

I see from your profile that your mother is in independent living. Sounds like you need to work on boundaries.

How am I DOING? How I wish people would ask me that but since my mom moved back in with me...all I ever hear is "How is your mom"....great - driving me crazy but great. What can I to say - that I'm angry, and resentful because my other 2 siblings go on about their lives like nothing is happening and I'm here picking up the slack - being the "responsible" one. They take their vacations etc. when I haven't had a night away in a year? When she won't accept outside help (but she will have to eventually). Frankly I feel like screaming. I'm tired of feeling exhausted, burned - out, not having much of a social life and forget about dating - no privacy. I can't even go run errands after telling her I will be away for quite some time. Nope several hours later I'm getting a call asking what happened to me and she didn't think it took 4 hours to go to the grocery store and wash my car! So what - now she needs a play by play regarding everywhere I need to go? Not like I'm out having a party! So tired of this! Just my rant for the day...thanks for listening. :)

Well,
The dreaded “Mother’s Day” and her B-day is coming up soon and I am filled with apprehension as usual. What will my worthless brothers do this year? I am also dreading this month as I am actively looking to place Mom in a “memory care” facility. She is driving me absolutely nuts about this! I tried having “the talk” with her but her advancing dementia means having that same talk over and over at nauseam. Everytime, she is in denial, everytime she starts to “fake cry” and bemoans her cottage and ‘stuff.” Nevermind that she is not safe, nevermind that I am running on fumes, and nevermind I told her before she moved in with husband and I, when she got to a point where she needed constant supervision, I would have to place her somewere. None of this matters now, it’s only her view of denial that is all that she can see. She has lived her life sticking her head in the sand with any unpleasant subject or situation so how could I think her having worsening dementia would change that?
I have an appt in a couple days at a possible facility. Mom is all about appearances so she will be on her best behavior while we are there but I am sure this will worsen everything again when we leave. How I wish my family was “normal” so I had some kind of support during this difficult transition but I have had to do ALL the unpleasantries on my own re Mom thus far, one more major hurdle of being the “bad guy” placing her for her safety will not be appreciated by anyone. She say’s I am “putting her away” like some animal locked in a cage and cannot understand why. She has fallen over and over and over again, hitting her head everytime and me having to deal with getting her to the ER and explain her medical conditions to the doctors and nurses every single time. The stress of this is KILLING ME after 5 years and her last fall where she was hospitalized for 3 days, she has zero recollection of nor any of her prior falls. I gave up my career, been broke, tethered to the house, no health insurance for years, on call 24/7 and in the end, my own health waning, BUT.......I will be “the bad guy” no matter what. If I left her to keep falling, I would be ignoring the seriousness of her deteriorating mind, if I put her in a facility, I will be the cruel, heartless daughter that “put her away.” No win situation except knowing deep in my heart, this IS the right thing to do. It will be excruciating but I must do the right thing regardless.
Caregivers really are the unsung heroes and often the pariah’s in many families, it is a tough pill to swallow but they will never change, only we can change how we deal with the onslaught of negativity. I think many of us keep hoping one day, we will be recognized for all our efforts and sacrifice but I am always reminded this is a pipe dream, I will never be looked upon with understanding from my family.
Those who do nothing, are uninvolved, seem to find it so easy to critique and bad mouth when they never participated for even a day to learn the truth of the parents condition, the daily responsibilities of the caregiver, to them, it’s all about not getting what they feel they are entitled to, usually money. I am so ashamed of my family.
God bless the caregivers for the unrecognized sacrifices they make at their own great expense. Wishing all of you support on the upcoming holiday with your dysfunctional families, put your armor on and hope for no reason to defend yourself.

Can totally relate to many of the posts on here! My mom is the same, as far as wanting someone by her side 24/7. She suffers from mental illness as well as what the neurologist thinks could be Parkinson's or LBD.

She has always been needy and clingy, just has gotten worse with age, and she's not even that old (56)! I've posted on here a few times about this whole crazy situation, and it's a relief to know there are others who identify.

I've told her that the living arrangement here is only temporary until we can get some good home care or AL set up. She can do her ADLs, just mainly needs someone to administer insulin and meds in the morning and evening. She would not be able to do this, as she has a history of non-compliance and abusing the meds.

My challenge is going to be that when the time comes to move her back home with caregiver help, she is not going to want to go. And how to have "the talk" about that. I will still be there too, she just won't be living with me 24/7.

I still struggle with fear and avoidance of confrontation myself, though therapy has helped a lot.

We have never had a normal mother/daughter relationship. Not a lot of arguing or anger, but mainly frustration with me getting overwhelmed and engulfed by her emotionally. Like me the parent, she the child, is how it's been since my teens and early twenties. She literally can't stand to be alone, and I am married with a family. I had distanced myself for a little while when I was pregnant with my youngest, but had to step in to help once she started declining mentally.